Ray's Daily

 

After growing wildly for years, the field of computing appears to be reaching its infancy.

John Pierce

 

 

Nap time so I must go way back again for a Daily today. I am always surprised when I discover how long I have been doing the Daily, this one is from 2001. It will be fresh to most of you since the majority of you were not getting the daily back then and those that did are probably like me, incapable of even remembering what I went to the refrigerator to get much less something I read six years ago.

~~~

Friday

August 31, 2001

 

The seminal Moore School lectures at the University of Pennsylvania ended on this day 55 years ago. At the time, most of the country’s leading computer scientists worked at the Moore School, including John Mauchly and Presper Eckert, who led the development of ENIAC, the first widely publicized electronic computer. The lectures, which continued for eight weeks, were instrumental in spreading the understanding of electronic computing to major universities in America and England. Eckert and Mauchly went on to form a company that produced the UNIVAC I and II. As time went by their company was acquired by Remington-Rand a forerunner of Sperry-Rand, and today’s UNISYS.

 

So who cares? I do, I joined Remington-Rand almost 50 years ago today and retired from UNISYS over 10 years ago. I even worked on the UNIVAC I, we called it the days of the iron men and wooden machines.

~~~

Andy Rooney tells us that he has learned:

• That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
• That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
• That love, not time, heals all wounds.
• That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
• That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

~~~

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done already.

~~~

Things To Be Thankful For – Mother’s Perspective

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful to have been born the USA, the most powerful free democracy in the world.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes — which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety locks on the back seat windows right before he hurls them out of the car and onto the freeway.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the recycling program which will preserve our natural resources and prevent the overloading of landfills.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for swim diapers because every time my son wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni and cheese — without which my children would be surviving on about three bites of cereal and their own spit.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being interrupted.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for holistic medicine and natural herbs.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to "cause drowsiness" in young children.

BEFORE CHILDREN:  I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured me throughout my formative years.

AFTER CHILDREN:  I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watchers who let me strip down to pantyhose and a strategically placed scarf before getting on the scale each week.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the Butterball turkey hotline.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car, and trendy clothes.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.

~~~

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

            Here lays Butch,

            We planted him raw.

            He was quick on the trigger,

            But slow on the draw.

~~~

Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

~~~

One Sunday a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

~~~

If you have much, give of your wealth; if you have little, give of your heart.

~~~

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.   "Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

~~~

A couple are lying in bed.

He said: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

She said: "I’m sure going to miss you!"

~~~

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly.  Another flash.  He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed.  Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.   He planned to mention the problem to his supervisor when he got to work, but forgot.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

~~~

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either."

Dick Cavett

~~~

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."

"Well," answered the Priest, "That’s no a sin."

"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."

"What is it son."

"Do I now have to tell him the war is over?"

~~~

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Edmund Burke

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

Albert Camus

 

 

I am still in low energy mode that continues to put limits on my activities. The good news is that my corrective surgery plan is now in place.

 

I will undergo the Ablation procedure on November 8th, it will require only a two day hospital stay baring any complications. I will be getting a pre-op CAT scan on October 23rd; they won’t be able to do the normal MRI because of my pacemaker. I will go off all my primary medication in a couple of weeks; doing so should put me into A-fib almost 100% of the time. While this will probably mean a further reduction in energy it will help to improve the chance of success since it will help identify the sources of my extraneous heart beats. My post-op limited activity should not be very long if all goes well. There will be a lot of later follow-up to see if the operation was a success.

 

There is a 50% chance or better that it will work and I can stay off of my medication, if it has not totally corrected the problem we will try to solve it by a return to medication. If I fall within the 20%, oh darn it didn’t work group they may go back in later and burn some more.

 

If all goes well I will be back in action in December going at full speed to make up for all the time I have lost. The bad news is that I will lose one more excuse for my Daily’s typos, grammar errors and mistakes. You probably never thought I had a good excuse anyway so I hope it won’t make any difference.

~~~

The grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do,

something to love and something to hope for.

Joseph Addison

~~~

It is time for my nap so here is something from the August 29, 7002 Daily.

Ray

~~~

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.’"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded one jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn’t selected for the jury.

~~~

Andy Rooney on Vegetarians: "Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter.’"

~~~

As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band.

"I’ll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to the boys. "You eat it for me."

I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys.

He shook his head. "I can’t," he said.

"Why not?"

Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "I’m not supposed to take candy from strangers."

~~~

Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!

~~~

Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don’t you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It’s not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It’s these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife."

"Oh, that?" the owner said smiling. "Well… we also deliver."

~~~

"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."

Hubert Humphrey

~~~

Quirks About Life That You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty…

– Most people deserve each other.

– All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

– The one who snores will fall asleep first.

– The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

– If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.

– The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.

– Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

~~~

I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning.

J. B. Priestly

~~~

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

~~~

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

~~~

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown.

Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let’s go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I’m going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you’re not the flight instructor?"

~~~

YOGI BERRA SAID: "I really didn’t say everything I said."

~~~

A teacher is giving a spelling bee.  She asks little John to spell the word "before."

"Um…  Before: b-e-e-f-o-r" he replies erroneously.

The teacher then calls on Suzy.

"Before: b-e-p-h-o-r."

Again, she is wrong, and the teacher calls on little Leroy.

"Before: b-e-f-o-r-e." gloats the little boy.

"Very good, Leroy! Can you use the word in a sentence?"

"Yeah.  Before:  Two and two be fore."

~~~

"The self is not something that one finds.

It is something that one creates."

Thomas Szasz

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”

Ashley Smith

 

 

One of the things that brighten my life is people like you. Some of you I see often, others, seldom, and some never at all, and yet we are connected. It is who you are and what you do that is special. We may never actually communicate but when our day includes something that we feel good about we may not recognize it but it is a moment that connects us all. It is the good will of others that often motivates us to care for someone else. We may never know the differences we make in someone’s life, but trust me we can make that difference through how we ourselves live.

 

A guy who contributes many of the ideas you read here is my friend and sometimes traveling companion Ken. Here are some pearls of wisdom he sent me a few years ago, the comments are mine.

• Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind. I have a friend who learned to count to five before she spoke, her life got much better once she did
• You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future. I am glad that my character flaws include the inability to worry too much.
• All people smile in the same language. As you know I have traveled extensively and I have found that a smile opens many doors.
• A hug is a great gift… one size fits all. It can be given for any occasion and it’s easy to exchange. To tell the truth a hug is as good for the hugger as for the hugee.
• Everyone needs to be loved…especially when they do not deserve it. Some people are so overwhelmed by anger or loneliness that they become difficult to love, yet no one needs it more. Want to save someone? Then Care for them.
• Everyone has beauty around them but not everyone sees it. There is music appreciation, art appreciation, and best of all life appreciation, just open your eyes and look.
• If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow, you have no today to be thankful for. How sad it is that some leave no room for happiness.
• Harsh words break no bones but they do break hearts. I sometimes think that the worst thing we can do is to say unkind things to those who care for us.

~~~

“Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well”

Voltaire

~~~

Comments from 1958:

1. The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt if they will ever catch on.

2. Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime to mail a letter!

3. No one can afford to be sick any more; $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.

4. If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00 nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

5. Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $72,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.

6. If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut… forget it!

7. I’m really afraid that Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

8. I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.00

9. When I first started driving, who would have ever thought that someday gasoline would cost 29 cents a gallon! Guess we would be better off leaving the car in the garage.

10. It’s too bad things are tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

~~~

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

Henny Youngman

~~~

A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixen {ready} to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don’t jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I’m going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I’m not married and I don’t have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ”Who’s Robert E. Lee?”

She replied, ”Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee."

~~~

All I ask is a chance to PROVE that money can’t make me happy.

~~~

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We’re not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I’m here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

~~~

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

~~~

Wife to Norm: "What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"  

Norm to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."  

Wife to Norm: "What? At 2 a.m?!"  

Norm to wife: "Yes. We used night clubs."

~~~

Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.

Will Cuppy

~~~

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We’ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."

Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."

The wife responded, "But we don’t subscribe to any papers!"

~~~

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.

Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.

Albert Schweitzer

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

We are made wise not by the recollection of our past,

but by the responsibility for our future.

George Bernard Shaw:

 

Here we go, another Monday, tomorrow today will be history with no chance for correction, editing, or rewrite. Our personal history my not ever make the best seller list but it will be our legacy and define who we are and who we have been. There are days when I feel that having nothing to add is good, for at least I did not make a mistake that I would later regret. I am speaking from experience because I have had far too many of those in my life already. I much prefer it when what is written is something that had value, even if it is only something inconsequential.

 

I have found that when I decide at the beginning of the day that I will consciously look for something to do that is positive I usually find that I do. I don’t have to look for something of great significance to do that will make the world a better place, if I did that I might overlook the little things that I can do. It may be only holding a door or telling someone how much you appreciate them, what ever it might be it adds a quiet luster to our own history and if we polish up our history often enough it will eventually shine with a dazzling radiance.

 

If you want to join my personal history making endeavor you might enjoy following this advice:

 

be happy

help

help someone

help someone who needs it

help someone who needs it badly

help someone who needs it badly and you know there will be no return

help someone who is not related to you

help someone who is not your close friend

help someone who does not expect you to

help when it is not your duty

help in whatever way you can

help

and you will be happy

~~~

STUFF YOUR MOM TAUGHT YOU

TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE; "if you’re going to kill each other, do it outside.  I just finished cleaning."

RELIGION; "You better pray that comes out of the carpet."

TIME TRAVEL; "If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week."

LOGIC; "Because I said so, that’s why!"

MORE LOGIC; "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you‘re not going to the store with me."

FORESIGHT; "Make sure you wear clean underwear, just in case you are in an accident."

IRONY; "Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about."

OSMOSIS; "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

CONTORTIONISM; "Will you look at that dirt in the back of your neck."

STAMINA; "You sit there ’till all that spinach is gone."

WEATHER; "This room of yours looks like a tornado just went through it."

HYPOCRISY; "I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times.  Don’t exaggerate!"

CIRCLE OF LIFE; "I brought you into this world, I can take you out."

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION; "Stop acting like your father."

ENVY; "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do."

ANTICIPATION; "Just wait until we get home."

MEDICAL SCIENCE; "If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze like that."

ESP; "Put your sweater on.  Don’t you think I know when you‘re cold?"

HUMOR; "When the lawn mower cuts your toes off, don’t come running to me."

GENETICS; "You‘re just like your father."

WISDOM; "When you get to be my age, you’ll understand."

JUSTICE; "One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

~~~

Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

~~~

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.  

"You know, it’s not your fault that the dog died. He’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."  

Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog?"  

~~~

"What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner."

~~~

"Famous Mothers"

PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: "I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

MONA LISA’S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: "I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO’ S MOTHER: "Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY’S MOTHER: "I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: "But it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something . . .?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH’S MOTHER: "That’s a nice story. Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: "Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

~~~

We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people.

Arthur Schopenhauer

~~~

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I’ll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.  

The soldier, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.  

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That’s fine," he said. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."  

"But aren’t you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked. The sergeant grinned.  

"You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."  

~~~

Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.

Robert Louis Stevenson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.

A.A. Milne

 

 

If I would have known that a message like I sent yesterday would result in so many offers to meet for breakfast, coffee, or lunch I would have had my health problems sooner. I think I made it sound worse than it is but even at that I will not be able to join you for the marathon, the channel swim, or even the Appalachian Trail hike.

 

After reading the literature on my operation I can see the value of waiting for a few months with no medication. If I get to the point where I am in a-fib a 100% of the time they will have the best shot at shutting down the culprit. I have asked my cardiologist to let me go off the arrhythmia meds immediately. I’ll rise to the occasion. But I need you to do me a favor, if you overhear me telling someone I am worn out because I just returned from a mountain climb in Nepal just go along with the story, that way I’ll shift from wimp to super-guy.

 

Writing that wore me out, I am not use to pretending I just climbed a mountain so here we go again, a trip back in time.

 

August 25, 2003

 

I said then: The world news continues to get worse. I wish it didn’t. It seems like we don’t know what to do, a miracle would help. So like they say, when things get tough, the tough get going, so I am going to Florida Wednesday morning. I want to see if they have better news there.

~~~

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round

or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? 

Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic flight

or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

Do you run through each day on the fly?

When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed

with the next hundred chores running through your head? 

Ever told your child, "We’ll do it tomorrow."

And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die?

Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day,

it is like an unopened gift….Thrown away…

Life is not a race. Take it slower.

Hear the music before the song is over.

~~~

Patience in the present, faith in the future, and joy in the doing

George Perera

~~~

Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam’s best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide Sam’s earthly possessions, over a million dollars’ worth. In front of Sam’s family, Stu reads the will:

"Stu, if you’re reading this, then I must be dead. You’ve were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself." Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam’s instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam’s widow. The rest he is retaining for himself.

The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then *this*?!  It can’t be!" So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: "To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased."

Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam’s wishes quite clear: ‘Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!’  I wanted the lion’s share! What gives?"

The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family’s interest in mind, he didn’t say, "Give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.’  No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself."

~~~

Q: What do you instantly know when you see a well-dressed husband?

A: His wife is good at choosing his clothes.

~~~

Howard came home from work one evening and there was his wife Miriam in the kitchen crying out loud.

"What’s the matter, darling?" he asked her.

"I just don’t know what to do," said Miriam. "Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner – but the dog has just eaten it."

"Don’t worry," said Howard, "I’ll get us another dog."

~~~

Sign spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

~~~

Stan was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Stan answered.

"I’d like to talk to your mother or father," she said.

"Sorry, but they ain’t here."

"Stan!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?"

"Beats me," he replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had t’go bail her out again!"

~~~

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:

either the car or his wife is new.

~~~

Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight? You’re going out?

Yes. With whom? With a friend.

I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man. I didn’t leave him. He left me!

You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybody and nobody. I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?

I never left you to go out with anybody except your father. There are lots of things that you did and I don’t.

What are you hinting at? Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.

You’re going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?

My EX husband. I don’t think he would be bothered.  From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!

So you’re going to sleep over at this loser’s place? He’s not a loser.

A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.

I don’t want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? Poor children with such a mother.

Such as what? With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.

ENOUGH !!

Don’t scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! Now you’re worried about the loser?

Ah, so you see he’s a loser. I spotted him immediately.

Goodbye, mother.

Wait! Don’t hang up! When are you bringing them over?

I’m not bringing them over! I’m not going out!

If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

~~~

"The most wonderful thing about miracles is that they sometimes happen."

G.K. Chesterson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

 

 

 

“Never awake me when you have good news to announce, because with good news nothing presses; but when you have bad news, arouse me immediately, for then there is not an instant to be lost.”

Napoleon Bonaparte

 

 

Have you noticed how some days are really good, some pretty bad, some so-so and then those that are really good for a moment or two before they swing to the really bad. In my case those days, with their mental gyrations really exercise my mind and test my coping skills. When that happens I should be grateful that describes my total exercise regimen.

So far my day has included plenty of highs and lows. It started out with my making myself a good breakfast, I did wonder why what I took out of the freezer was not so solidly frozen. Of course like all highly skilled husbands I closed the door tightly and kicked the front of the appliance a bit, proud that I had fixed the problem. The bad news was that I could not overlook the water that started to drip on the floor as the ice in the icemaker melted.

The good news was that I discovered I had purchased an extended service contract; I never do that, so in this case my psychic powers must have kicked in at the point of sale. So I spent about 10 minutes utilizing my “press one if…..” skills before I got to a real person. The bad news was after I provided 3 or 4 dozen contract numbers, service numbers, model numbers, serial numbers, house numbers and phone numbers she scheduled a rush service call and happily reported that a service guy would be out late in the afternoon Thursday, I asked what I was going to do with all of the food in the freezer, fortunately she did not tell me.

The good news was I was able to load the most costly stuff into an outside freezer. The bad news was that after I called management to appeal my case so I could get a expedited service call, they called seven local alternative service company’s none who were interested in providing service.

The good news was that they told me to go ahead and get the service myself and they would pay the costs. The bad news was that after I tried everyone locally I called the manufacturer who happily reported that they had someone that would be out next Friday.

So my friends I now have some soft food, some aging dairy products, warm condiments and that’s not good, so out they go.  But all is not lost, we were able to scratch “clean out the refrigerator and freezer” off of last years things-to-do list.

~~~

“Anything that begins "I don’t know how to tell you this" is never good news”

Ruth Gordon

~~~

As the storm began to rage, the absent minded blonde professor started outside when his wife stopped him, asking, "Hey, where do you think you’re going, George?"

"I’m going out to water the flowers," replies the professor.

"But… dear, it’s raining outside!" replies his wife.

"You’re right," says the professor, closing the door and now walking to the closet….."I’d better take my umbrella."

~~~

A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

~~~

A psychiatrist was administering a Rorschach inkblot test to his patient. The doctor showed the first blot and asked what it resembled.

"That’s two poodles having sex," replied the patient.

To the second inkblot, the patient said, "That’s a naked gal leaning out a window, telling all the men who go by to come in and have sex with her."

The doctor showed him the third inkblot. "That’s a pair of panties," the patient said.

Unable to withstand this any longer, the doctor blurted out, "You have a filthy, disgusting mind!"

"Look who’s talking!" the patient cried. "You’re the one with all the dirty pictures."

~~~

None will improve your lot, if you yourself do not.

Bertolt Brecht

~~~

They love you…but they are not your lover.

They care for you, but they are not from your family…

They are ready to share your pain, but they are not in your blood relation.

They are……..FRIENDS!!!!!

True friend scolds like a DAD…

Cares like a MOM….

Teases like a SISTER….

Irritates like a BROTHER…and finally loves U more than a LOVER….!

~~~

Women like silent men; they think they’re listening.

~~~

Rabbi Sam Wolfson was giving his speech to the Jewish federation about the " Tragedy of Jewish Inter-Marriage " with non-Jews. Toward the end of his long speech the Rabbi clapped his hands…waited 10 seconds…and clapped his hands again. The Rabbi then explained that every time he clapped his hands some Jew married a non-Jew.

Immediately Morris jumped up from his seat in the audience and shouted, "So Stop With Your Clapping!"

~~~

Make new friends and keep the old; one is silver, the other gold.

~~~

A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking unto himself a bride.  

"Whatsa dees?" screamed Mother. "Who’s a gonna love you like a Momma? Who’s a gonna starch-a you socks? Who’s a gonna make-a you lasagna?"  

"Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Why are you talking like that? We aren’t even Italian."  

~~~

"Do You Want to Talk to the Man in Charge, or to the Woman Who Knows What’s Going On?"

~~~

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’ "

Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.

"What’s the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don’t you begin?"

"I’m waiting for my secretary," he replied.

~~~

"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they share a common enemy."

Sam Levenson

~~~

A Catholic boy was bragging to his Jewish friend. "My priest knows more than your rabbi."

"Of course he does," said the Jewish boy. "You tell him everything."

~~~

A friend of mine was visiting a college which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet.  If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer investigate immediately.

On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running."

~~~

Success has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself.

It’s what you do for others.

Danny Thomas

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.