Ray's musings and humor

Archive for August, 2007

How about enjoying life this weekend?

"Live fully, have fun.

Be crazy, be weird, go out & screw up!

Don’t try to be perfect.

Just be an excellent example of being human.

Enjoy life."



I got the above quote from my friend Marci’s Yahoo 360 Blog. I think it is right on target, especially after the lunch I had today with a friend. She shared with me her intense and important activities that took place this past week, bottom-line was that she was professionally on stage doing work that was very important to her association every minute of every day. It had been a high energy effort that concentrated on a wide range of needs both to her organization and to our community. You could tell she was ready for a break.


Fortunately we have a three day holiday weekend coming up and then she is off to Paris midweek to visit family and friends. Her job requires perfection, or as close to perfection as possible, now hopefully she will wind down, throw her hat in the air and holler “screw perfection” I am going to have some fun.


Each of us needs to take the pressure off ourselves once in awhile and set aside time to just enjoy life and be who we are not. No rules, other than not hurting anyone. So who do you want to be? Pick somebody, be her or him for an evening, a day or even a weekend. I think if you do you will find drinking Champaign from a flute, with candles all around you in your sunken bathtub is really not bad, not bad at all.


One caution though, when you’re doing all of this don’t make too much noise, I really don’t like to be woken up from my naps.


"Fear less, hope more;

Whine less, breathe more;

Talk less, say more;

Hate less, love more;

And all good things are yours."


Swedish Proverb


One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a res- taurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"


The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.


A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.

Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."


When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.

Lao Tzu


It has been an interesting week in the Stock Market, I thought you could use this dictionary:

Momentum Investing – The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing – The art of buying low and selling lower.

Broker – Poorer than you were in 2006.

P/E ratio – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.

Standard & Poor – Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Bull Market – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market – A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

Stock split – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner – A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction – The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Call Option – Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

Institutional Investor – Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nut house.

Profit – Religious guy who talks to God.


Woman shopping for wallpaper to clerk: "Now we’re getting somewhere. 

That’s the exact opposite of what I’m looking for."


One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, William’s dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She’s a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We’re getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I’m awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father."


The reason 30+ year old women get carded is because the cashiers and bag-boys make bets on how OLD you really are and someone has to find out. They know you would lie if they asked you.


A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, "You know, honey, I think there might be some real merit to what this article says, that the intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling block to the son."

"Well, thank heaven," said the wife, "at least our James has nothing standing in his way."


Slow down and enjoy life.

It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast

you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.

Eddie Cantor


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.


Those were the days!

After growing wildly for years, the field of computing appears to be reaching its infancy.

John Pierce



Nap time so I must go way back again for a Daily today. I am always surprised when I discover how long I have been doing the Daily, this one is from 2001. It will be fresh to most of you since the majority of you were not getting the daily back then and those that did are probably like me, incapable of even remembering what I went to the refrigerator to get much less something I read six years ago.



August 31, 2001


The seminal Moore School lectures at the University of Pennsylvania ended on this day 55 years ago. At the time, most of the country’s leading computer scientists worked at the Moore School, including John Mauchly and Presper Eckert, who led the development of ENIAC, the first widely publicized electronic computer. The lectures, which continued for eight weeks, were instrumental in spreading the understanding of electronic computing to major universities in America and England. Eckert and Mauchly went on to form a company that produced the UNIVAC I and II. As time went by their company was acquired by Remington-Rand a forerunner of Sperry-Rand, and today’s UNISYS.


So who cares? I do, I joined Remington-Rand almost 50 years ago today and retired from UNISYS over 10 years ago. I even worked on the UNIVAC I, we called it the days of the iron men and wooden machines.


Andy Rooney tells us that he has learned:

  • That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
  • That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
  • That love, not time, heals all wounds.
  • That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
  • That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.


I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done already.


Things To Be Thankful For – Mother’s Perspective

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful to have been born the USA, the most powerful free democracy in the world.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes — which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety locks on the back seat windows right before he hurls them out of the car and onto the freeway.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the recycling program which will preserve our natural resources and prevent the overloading of landfills.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for swim diapers because every time my son wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni and cheese — without which my children would be surviving on about three bites of cereal and their own spit.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being interrupted.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for holistic medicine and natural herbs.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to "cause drowsiness" in young children.

BEFORE CHILDREN:  I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured me throughout my formative years.

AFTER CHILDREN:  I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watchers who let me strip down to pantyhose and a strategically placed scarf before getting on the scale each week.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the Butterball turkey hotline.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car, and trendy clothes.

AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.


In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

            Here lays Butch,

            We planted him raw.

            He was quick on the trigger,

            But slow on the draw.


Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.


One Sunday a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"


If you have much, give of your wealth; if you have little, give of your heart.


Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.   "Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits!"


A couple are lying in bed.

He said: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

She said: "I’m sure going to miss you!"


An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly.  Another flash.  He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed.  Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.   He planned to mention the problem to his supervisor when he got to work, but forgot.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!


"If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either."

Dick Cavett


A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."

"Well," answered the Priest, "That’s no a sin."

"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."

"What is it son."

"Do I now have to tell him the war is over?"


The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Edmund Burke


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.


Good News (I think)

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

Albert Camus



I am still in low energy mode that continues to put limits on my activities. The good news is that my corrective surgery plan is now in place.


I will undergo the Ablation procedure on November 8th, it will require only a two day hospital stay baring any complications. I will be getting a pre-op CAT scan on October 23rd; they won’t be able to do the normal MRI because of my pacemaker. I will go off all my primary medication in a couple of weeks; doing so should put me into A-fib almost 100% of the time. While this will probably mean a further reduction in energy it will help to improve the chance of success since it will help identify the sources of my extraneous heart beats. My post-op limited activity should not be very long if all goes well. There will be a lot of later follow-up to see if the operation was a success.


There is a 50% chance or better that it will work and I can stay off of my medication, if it has not totally corrected the problem we will try to solve it by a return to medication. If I fall within the 20%, oh darn it didn’t work group they may go back in later and burn some more.


If all goes well I will be back in action in December going at full speed to make up for all the time I have lost. The bad news is that I will lose one more excuse for my Daily’s typos, grammar errors and mistakes. You probably never thought I had a good excuse anyway so I hope it won’t make any difference.


The grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do,

something to love and something to hope for.

Joseph Addison


It is time for my nap so here is something from the August 29, 7002 Daily.



A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.’"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded one jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn’t selected for the jury.


Andy Rooney on Vegetarians: "Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter.’"


As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band.

"I’ll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to the boys. "You eat it for me."

I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys.

He shook his head. "I can’t," he said.

"Why not?"

Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "I’m not supposed to take candy from strangers."


Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!


Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don’t you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It’s not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It’s these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife."

"Oh, that?" the owner said smiling. "Well… we also deliver."


"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."

Hubert Humphrey


Quirks About Life That You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty…

– Most people deserve each other.

– All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

– The one who snores will fall asleep first.

– The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

– If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.

– The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.

– Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.


I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning.

J. B. Priestly


A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion."


Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".


A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown.

Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let’s go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I’m going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you’re not the flight instructor?"


YOGI BERRA SAID: "I really didn’t say everything I said."


A teacher is giving a spelling bee.  She asks little John to spell the word "before."

"Um…  Before: b-e-e-f-o-r" he replies erroneously.

The teacher then calls on Suzy.

"Before: b-e-p-h-o-r."

Again, she is wrong, and the teacher calls on little Leroy.

"Before: b-e-f-o-r-e." gloats the little boy.

"Very good, Leroy! Can you use the word in a sentence?"

"Yeah.  Before:  Two and two be fore."


"The self is not something that one finds.

It is something that one creates."

Thomas Szasz


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.


Thank You!!!!!

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”

Ashley Smith



One of the things that brighten my life is people like you. Some of you I see often, others, seldom, and some never at all, and yet we are connected. It is who you are and what you do that is special. We may never actually communicate but when our day includes something that we feel good about we may not recognize it but it is a moment that connects us all. It is the good will of others that often motivates us to care for someone else. We may never know the differences we make in someone’s life, but trust me we can make that difference through how we ourselves live.


A guy who contributes many of the ideas you read here is my friend and sometimes traveling companion Ken. Here are some pearls of wisdom he sent me a few years ago, the comments are mine.

  • Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind. I have a friend who learned to count to five before she spoke, her life got much better once she did
  • You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future. I am glad that my character flaws include the inability to worry too much.
  • All people smile in the same language. As you know I have traveled extensively and I have found that a smile opens many doors.
  • A hug is a great gift… one size fits all. It can be given for any occasion and it’s easy to exchange. To tell the truth a hug is as good for the hugger as for the hugee.
  • Everyone needs to be loved…especially when they do not deserve it. Some people are so overwhelmed by anger or loneliness that they become difficult to love, yet no one needs it more. Want to save someone? Then Care for them.
  • Everyone has beauty around them but not everyone sees it. There is music appreciation, art appreciation, and best of all life appreciation, just open your eyes and look.
  • If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow, you have no today to be thankful for. How sad it is that some leave no room for happiness.
  • Harsh words break no bones but they do break hearts. I sometimes think that the worst thing we can do is to say unkind things to those who care for us.


“Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well”



Comments from 1958:

1. The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt if they will ever catch on.

2. Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime to mail a letter!

3. No one can afford to be sick any more; $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.

4. If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00 nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

5. Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $72,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.

6. If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut… forget it!

7. I’m really afraid that Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

8. I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.00

9. When I first started driving, who would have ever thought that someday gasoline would cost 29 cents a gallon! Guess we would be better off leaving the car in the garage.

10. It’s too bad things are tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.


"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

Henny Youngman


A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixen {ready} to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don’t jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I’m going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I’m not married and I don’t have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ”Who’s Robert E. Lee?”

She replied, ”Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee."


All I ask is a chance to PROVE that money can’t make me happy.


An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We’re not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I’m here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.


Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.


Wife to Norm: "What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"  

Norm to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."  

Wife to Norm: "What? At 2 a.m?!"  

Norm to wife: "Yes. We used night clubs."


Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.

Will Cuppy


A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We’ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."

Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."

The wife responded, "But we don’t subscribe to any papers!"


At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.

Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.

Albert Schweitzer


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.


We are writing it now!

We are made wise not by the recollection of our past,

but by the responsibility for our future.

George Bernard Shaw:


Here we go, another Monday, tomorrow today will be history with no chance for correction, editing, or rewrite. Our personal history my not ever make the best seller list but it will be our legacy and define who we are and who we have been. There are days when I feel that having nothing to add is good, for at least I did not make a mistake that I would later regret. I am speaking from experience because I have had far too many of those in my life already. I much prefer it when what is written is something that had value, even if it is only something inconsequential.


I have found that when I decide at the beginning of the day that I will consciously look for something to do that is positive I usually find that I do. I don’t have to look for something of great significance to do that will make the world a better place, if I did that I might overlook the little things that I can do. It may be only holding a door or telling someone how much you appreciate them, what ever it might be it adds a quiet luster to our own history and if we polish up our history often enough it will eventually shine with a dazzling radiance.


If you want to join my personal history making endeavor you might enjoy following this advice:


be happy


help someone

help someone who needs it

help someone who needs it badly

help someone who needs it badly and you know there will be no return

help someone who is not related to you

help someone who is not your close friend

help someone who does not expect you to

help when it is not your duty

help in whatever way you can


and you will be happy



TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE; "if you’re going to kill each other, do it outside.  I just finished cleaning."

RELIGION; "You better pray that comes out of the carpet."

TIME TRAVEL; "If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week."

LOGIC; "Because I said so, that’s why!"

MORE LOGIC; "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you‘re not going to the store with me."

FORESIGHT; "Make sure you wear clean underwear, just in case you are in an accident."

IRONY; "Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about."

OSMOSIS; "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

CONTORTIONISM; "Will you look at that dirt in the back of your neck."

STAMINA; "You sit there ’till all that spinach is gone."

WEATHER; "This room of yours looks like a tornado just went through it."

HYPOCRISY; "I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times.  Don’t exaggerate!"

CIRCLE OF LIFE; "I brought you into this world, I can take you out."

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION; "Stop acting like your father."

ENVY; "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do."

ANTICIPATION; "Just wait until we get home."

MEDICAL SCIENCE; "If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze like that."

ESP; "Put your sweater on.  Don’t you think I know when you‘re cold?"

HUMOR; "When the lawn mower cuts your toes off, don’t come running to me."

GENETICS; "You‘re just like your father."

WISDOM; "When you get to be my age, you’ll understand."

JUSTICE; "One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.


Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.  

"You know, it’s not your fault that the dog died. He’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."  

Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog?"  


"What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner."


"Famous Mothers"

PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: "I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

MONA LISA’S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: "I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO’ S MOTHER: "Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY’S MOTHER: "I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: "But it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something . . .?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH’S MOTHER: "That’s a nice story. Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: "Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"


We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people.

Arthur Schopenhauer


A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I’ll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.  

The soldier, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.  

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That’s fine," he said. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."  

"But aren’t you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked. The sergeant grinned.  

"You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."  


Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.

Robert Louis Stevenson


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.


You’ll have to go without me

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.

A.A. Milne



If I would have known that a message like I sent yesterday would result in so many offers to meet for breakfast, coffee, or lunch I would have had my health problems sooner. I think I made it sound worse than it is but even at that I will not be able to join you for the marathon, the channel swim, or even the Appalachian Trail hike.


After reading the literature on my operation I can see the value of waiting for a few months with no medication. If I get to the point where I am in a-fib a 100% of the time they will have the best shot at shutting down the culprit. I have asked my cardiologist to let me go off the arrhythmia meds immediately. I’ll rise to the occasion. But I need you to do me a favor, if you overhear me telling someone I am worn out because I just returned from a mountain climb in Nepal just go along with the story, that way I’ll shift from wimp to super-guy.


Writing that wore me out, I am not use to pretending I just climbed a mountain so here we go again, a trip back in time.


August 25, 2003


I said then: The world news continues to get worse. I wish it didn’t. It seems like we don’t know what to do, a miracle would help. So like they say, when things get tough, the tough get going, so I am going to Florida Wednesday morning. I want to see if they have better news there.


Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round

or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? 

Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic flight

or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

Do you run through each day on the fly?

When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed

with the next hundred chores running through your head? 

Ever told your child, "We’ll do it tomorrow."

And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die?

Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day,

it is like an unopened gift….Thrown away…

Life is not a race. Take it slower.

Hear the music before the song is over.


Patience in the present, faith in the future, and joy in the doing

George Perera


Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam’s best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide Sam’s earthly possessions, over a million dollars’ worth. In front of Sam’s family, Stu reads the will:

"Stu, if you’re reading this, then I must be dead. You’ve were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself." Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam’s instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam’s widow. The rest he is retaining for himself.

The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then *this*?!  It can’t be!" So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: "To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased."

Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam’s wishes quite clear: ‘Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!’  I wanted the lion’s share! What gives?"

The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family’s interest in mind, he didn’t say, "Give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.’  No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself."


Q: What do you instantly know when you see a well-dressed husband?

A: His wife is good at choosing his clothes.


Howard came home from work one evening and there was his wife Miriam in the kitchen crying out loud.

"What’s the matter, darling?" he asked her.

"I just don’t know what to do," said Miriam. "Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner – but the dog has just eaten it."

"Don’t worry," said Howard, "I’ll get us another dog."


Sign spotted in a toilet in a London office block:



Stan was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Stan answered.

"I’d like to talk to your mother or father," she said.

"Sorry, but they ain’t here."

"Stan!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?"

"Beats me," he replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had t’go bail her out again!"


When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:

either the car or his wife is new.


Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight? You’re going out?

Yes. With whom? With a friend.

I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man. I didn’t leave him. He left me!

You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybody and nobody. I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?

I never left you to go out with anybody except your father. There are lots of things that you did and I don’t.

What are you hinting at? Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.

You’re going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?

My EX husband. I don’t think he would be bothered.  From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!

So you’re going to sleep over at this loser’s place? He’s not a loser.

A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.

I don’t want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? Poor children with such a mother.

Such as what? With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.


Don’t scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! Now you’re worried about the loser?

Ah, so you see he’s a loser. I spotted him immediately.

Goodbye, mother.

Wait! Don’t hang up! When are you bringing them over?

I’m not bringing them over! I’m not going out!

If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?


"The most wonderful thing about miracles is that they sometimes happen."

G.K. Chesterson


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.


How was your day?

“The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way.”

Robert Kiyosaki



Some days are more disappointing then others, today was one of those. As most of you know I have been suffering from energy sapping Atrial Fibrillation for weeks now. The problem will be solved when I get some heart surgery that I thought would take place soon. When I met with the heart surgeon today I learned that I have to be off my current A-fib medication for at least two months before they can do the procedure.


This means that I will frequently be operating at half energy or less for the next few months. I will have to limit my activities somewhat so there will be things I won’t be able to do. I am concerned that my friends will be so understanding that they will no longer ask me to do anything. While I may have to avoid making commitments where my participation is important to the success of the activity so because I am sometimes physically exhausted to the point that the only contribution I might make would be to mess something up.


If people stop asking me to have lunch, coffee, meet, or do something of value I will need mental therapy. What would I do if I didn’t have things to do? I can only nap so long each day, so I am going to play as much as I can and hopefully do some good along the way. I hope to find out when the operation will take place soon as I need to know because of some volunteer commitments as well as a booked tour in November and a New year’s cruise in December.


Life goes on but just at a little slower pace for awhile.


There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere.

Jane Austen


Two older women, Judy and Monica, who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said Monica, "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Judy.

"Of course, the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled Monica.

Judy responded, "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."


The Earth is full – go home.


The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y’allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are xamples excerpts from the Y’allbonics/English dictionary:

RETARD – (verb) – To stop working.

Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.

Usage "You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh."

RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege.

Usage "We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats."


Give me ambiguity or give me something else.


"It’s no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."

"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears, boy."

"You see, sir? I’m no good at math, either!"


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.  As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts.  The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints – this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating.  After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who’s 99."


"The thing you have to be prepared for is that other people don’t always dream your dream."

Linda Ronstadt


As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust. Suddenly, we realized why………we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them….


It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.


After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I’m busy," he said, "I’ll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,

"Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"


Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker’s ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college.

"This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you."

"It’s worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my PalmPilot in there."


The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of a new car.


The manager of a glass and window company had advertised for experienced glaziers. Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 20 years of experience.

He asked, "Where have you worked as a glazier"?

Came the reply, "Dunkin’ Donuts."


If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment.

Henry David Thoreau


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.



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