Ray's musings and humor

Archive for November, 2007

I’m Off!

I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

Mark Twain

 

 

I am off with some friends on a bus tour to Branson, Missouri. Hours will be spent together with strangers coupled with days together doing the Branson shows I am sure I will make new friends. One of the things I enjoy most about my trips is the people I meet who turn into long time friends. It is probably appropriate that this trip is to the land of the old folks since I will be moving slow until I recapture my youth when I have my next heart surgery.

 

So off we go leaving our home to the house-watchers, mail gathers, and newspaper collectors. The trip is but a few days long and getting there and getting back will be a big test of my long time sitting ability. But I know the pilgrimage to Branson is part of the geriatric right of passage and while I am a little young for all of this I know that my traveling companions need a younger guy to help.

 

So gang, I am off, the Daily lights presses are shut down and only the cleaning crew will be working. Have fun, I’ll see you when I get back.

~~~

By the way thanks to all who made donations to my on line Salvation Army Kettle. We raised over $500 which is already making a real difference in peoples lives. I’ll leave my Kettle open until Christmas for those who may want to join us. As you know no gift is too small, it all helps.

http://give.salvationarmyusa.org/site/TR/RedKettleCampaigns/RedKettle?px=1116841&pg=personal&fr_id=1110&et=Og4Sdhm2_GL95jeiWCcW5A..&s_tafId=1162

~~~

Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves,

And it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

~~~

I’d rather be a ‘could-be’ if I cannot be an ‘are’;

Because a ‘could-be’ is a ‘maybe’ who is reaching for a star.

I’d rather be a ‘has-been’ than a ‘might-have-been’ by far;

For a ‘might-have-been’ has never been, but a ‘has-been’ was once an ‘are’.

Milton Berle

~~~

Joey’s teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise, I have the same problem with his Father."

~~~

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t, either.

Dick Cavett

~~~

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I’ll go down there and get her."

~~~

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Yesterday you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to you!"

~~~

Constant change is here to stay.

~~~

On his honeymoon, a very thick redneck farmer, Billy Joe, insisted on having a room at the luxury hotel with a balcony overlooking the sea.

On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very sexy lingerie.

"Hey Billy Joe, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time" she said coyly.

"No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said.

So Daisy sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Billy Joe once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body.  Once more he refused.  Eventually Daisy grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep.

In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony.

"Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?" she asked.

"Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life – and I didn’t want to miss a moment of it."

~~~

They told me I was gullible — and I believed them.

~~~

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six over-aged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I’m sure you’ll miss your mother being gone."

~~~

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

~~~

A man came hobbling into the doctor’s waiting room, assisted by his wife. The poor guy could hardly move. He was bent over and grimacing with pain as he shuffled along, his hands like two rigid claws.

The receptionist looked on sympathetically. "Oh dear," she said. "Arthritis with complications?"

"No," said the guy’s wife. "Do-it-yourself with concrete blocks."

~~~

"Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical."

Yogi Berra

~~~

My niece, after living in several apartments, found one in the area where she had grown up.

"The best thing about this apartment," she said to her sister, "is that it’s within walking distance of the grocery store."

"What grocery store? I don’t recall a close by grocery store replied her sister..

"You know….." my niece said…. "Mom’s house."

~~~

Children are the only form of immortality that we can be sure of.

Peter Ustinov

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

Category:

Uncategorized

One more time

 

If you haven’t any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

Bob Hope

 

 

Hi all,

I am scheduled to go in for my next heart surgery on January 28th and again will be hospitalized for a couple of days. I get to do all the same preliminary stuff over again, CT Scan, self administered Lovenox shots, and the terrible TEE. I just hope that this time the ablation solves my problems since I have decided that this is probably the least favorite thing I have ever done. But at least I have had practice so I know what to expect. So I hope you will understand if I am not at my best, whatever that is, over the next couple of months. One thing I have most others don’t is that I can look forward to better days.

 

My best always,

Ray

Ray Mitchell

Please take a moment and visit my Salvation Army Page.

http://give.salvationarmyusa.org/site/TR/RedKettleCampaigns/RedKettle?px=1116841&pg=personal&fr_id=1110&et=Og4Sdhm2_GL95jeiWCcW5A..&s_tafId=1162

It is going well but I still need $105 to reach my online goal. Please help if you can, even just $5 will help someone.

ray@iquest.net

~~~

Since it is so late in the day I’ll post from the past.

First published on November 26, 2004

 

"So many gods, so many creeds,

So many paths that wind and wind,

While just the art of being kind

Is all the sad world needs."

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

~~~

I wish I did not worry as much as I do about where the world is headed. I sometimes wonder if some of it comes from the fact I am paying more attention these days. In some small way being fat, dumb, and happy keeps us from reality and thus frees us from concern for the world and the people in it. I spent many years focusing almost all of my attention on my work, spending little time thinking about, much less studying, what was happening locally, nationally and internationally.

Now that I have fully retired I do pay attention. Living in Indianapolis, I am fortunate to have unlimited opportunities to acquire knowledge. I have learned that when we even partially understand problems such as an economy at risk, a questionable war, the polarization of society, growing religious intolerance, and the problems of day to day life we have to make choices. We can chose to hide our heads in the sand and ignore reality, scream and holler at nothing in particular as we vent our frustration, become part of the problem by throwing further fuel on an already smoldering fire, or we can see what we might do to make things better. Even if we have yet to figure out how we can help, we can begin by being kind. Often opportunity to do more will spring from that kindness. I don’t suggest we ignore the bully, tolerate inhumanity, or fail to meet our own responsibilities. What I am saying is that a world that is based on kindness to others is worth striving for, and what we do in even the smallest way affects the world.

One other thing; I am glad I know more now than I did, sure I have learned much to worry about, but I also have discovered some really good people, people who have become my heroes. If you live in Indianapolis and would like to join me in my quest to know more, let me know.

~~~

"Every day I see at least one person who is struggling or having a hard day, and I try to smile or say, ‘Hi,’ even if I don’t know them. Sometimes that simple ‘Hi’ — that reaching out to them in a friendly way — could change how they’re feeling. Someone once wrote, ‘Make yourself a blessing to someone. Your kind smile or pat on the back just might pull someone back from the edge.’ I live by that."

Sara, high school student

~~~

She said: Marrying a man is like buying something you have been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.

~~~

From Ralph (Those of us from Indiana are called Hoosiers).

GUIDELINES FOR UNDERSTANDING "THE HOOSIER CULTURE":

– Know the state casserole. The state casserole consists of canned green beans, Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup, and dried onions. You can safely take this casserole to any social event and know that you will be accepted.

– Get used to food festivals. The Indiana General Assembly, in an effort to grow bigger athletes, passed legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year dedicated to a high-fat food. It is your duty as a Hoosier to attend these festivals and buy at least one elephant ear.

– Know the geography. Of Florida, that is. There are Hoosiers who couldn’t tell you where Evansville is but they know the exact distance from Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That’s because all Hoosiers go to Florida in the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to retired Hoosiers who have a place in Sarasota. Hoosiers consider Florida to be the Lower Peninsula of Indiana.

– If you can’t afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state excuse …… which is that you stay here because you enjoy the change of season. You’ll be lying, but that’s OK. We’ve all done it.

– Speaking of Indiana weather, wear layers or die. The thing to remember about Indiana seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have spring-like days in January and wintry weekends in October. April is capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For these reasons, Indiana is the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering, however, can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn’t strip off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.

– Don’t take Indiana place names literally. If a town has the same name as a foreign city – Valparaiso and Versailles, for example — you must not pronounce them the way the foreigners do lest you come under suspicion as a spy. Also, East Enterprise has no counterpart on the west side of the state. South Bend is in the north. North Vernon is in the south and French Lick isn’t what you think either.

– Become mulch literate. Hoosiers love mulch and appreciate its subtle differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine bark at a minimum. Researchers think the state affinity for mulch derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for topography, and when it can’t be supplied naturally, they are more likely to make little mulch hillocks in their front yards.

– You gotta know sports. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Indiana, you have to be knowledgeable on the three levels — professional, college and high school. The truly expert Indiana sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot center at Abercrombie and Fitch High School, but also what colleges he’s interested in, how much he bench-presses, who he took to the prom, and what he got on his biology quiz last week.

– Remember that Hoosiers are never the first to embrace trends. When they do embrace them, they do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you see a Hoosier with a nose ring, there’s a good chance he’s had it undercoated to guard against rust.

– The best way to sell something in Indiana is to attach the term "Amish" to it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the existence of Amish moo shu pork.

~~~

Why do they waste all that money installing 15 checkout lines and then only use two?

~~~

The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time.  As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive.  Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog’s flea collar.

The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package had been opened.

"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it.  You can’t expect me to get it home and find out it’s the wrong size."

A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good health."

~~~

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

~~~

A mom was getting swamped with calls from strangers.  The reason?  A medical billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers.  When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.

"I’ve had mine for twenty years," she pleaded.  "Couldn’t you change yours?"

The company refused.  So Mom said, "Fine.  From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that the bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day

~~~

"Be forever a student. He and he alone is an old man who feels that he has learnt enough and has need for no more knowledge."

~~  Sivananda  ~~

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Category:

Humor

My operation was only a rehearsal

 

To be capable of steady friendship or lasting love, are the two greatest proofs, not only of goodness of heart, but of strength of mind.

William Hazlitt

 

 

I sent the following note to many of my friends yesterday:

Hi all,

I hope you have had a great Thanksgiving, I did. The rest of my family is now going into pre-Christmas mode while I lay back and watch from afar.

Unfortunately my successful operation turned out to be what looks like a rehearsal. I had four days of fantastic results and then went to the docs just as I was again displaying the previous symptoms. It appears that the scaring they did to disable the extraneous electrical pulses have unexpectedly healed to the point that they are again causing problems. The plan now is to heal for six weeks and then do it all over again, 6 plus hour operation, a couple of days in the hospital, self administered shots, etc.

Needless to say I have not been thrilled. It does make some of my previous ills seem to be not all that bad. Baring a miracle I get to be a good trooper once again in January. I was hoping to be robust on my visit to Bramsom, Missouri next week and on my New Year’s 10 day cruise but I’ll just have to do it the same way I have the last few years, slow and easy.

Keep smiling and keep in touch.

Ray

 

As I think I have said before there is usually something positive even in the most negative situation. That sure was the result of this note, somehow the word got out even to people who I had lost contact many years ago. I even heard from a guy that I had worked with 35 or so years ago and who I had not heard from in decades. I also received good wishes from an African Nun, good friends in Iceland, a cardiologist friend, and many others. It always gives me great pleasure to reconnect with old acquaintances, not only because of the message at hand but for the memories they trigger when we again touch.

I think the happiest people I know are those who are compulsive friend collectors, unlike more material collections our mental memories of shared experiences are with us always. So while I have been disappointed with my medical setback the let down has been more than offset by the words of old friends. Thank you all.

~~~

We come into this world alone, and alone we leave it.

And between the entrance and the exit, we spend our time looking for companionship

E.M. Dooling

~~~

MOMMY, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF…?

Amnesia            What did you just ask me?

Apathy             I don’t care.

Bigotry            I’m not going to tell someone like you.

Damnation          Go to hell!

Dyslexia           Beeing Sackwards

Egotistical        I’m the best person to answer that question.

Evasive            Go do your homework.

Hostility          If you ask me just one more question, I’ll kill you!

Ignorance          I don’t know.

Indifference       It doesn’t matter.

Influenza          You’ve got to be sick to ask me that question.

Insomnia           I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.

Irreverent         I swear to God, you ask too many questions!

Narcissism         Before I answer, tell me, don’t I look great?

Over-Protective    I don’t know if you’re ready for the answer.

Paranoid           You probably think I don’t know the answer, do you?

Procrastination    I’ll tell you tomorrow.

Repetitive         I already told you the answer once before.

Self-Centered      Well, I know the answer, that’s all that matters.

Suspicious         Why are you asking me all these questions?

~~~

A friend is a person before whom I may think aloud.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

Some friends were on vacation in Maine, and while watching fireworks heard their small son say, "Oh, God!" The father quickly cautioned his son, "Please don’t speak the Lord’s name in vain." The boy nodded but obviously misheard, because he asked quietly, "Is it OK if I speak his name back in Minnesota?"

~~~

Diner: I can’t eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!

Waiter: It’s no use. He won’t eat it either.

~~~

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room,

people say, ‘Your Grace’."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well…?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6′ 2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God…."

~~~

I hate mornings. They’re so early

~~~

He said: Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home."

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Honey," she said, "I don’t like this place at all.  There are no curtains in the bathroom.  The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath!"

"Don’t worry," replied her husband.  "If the neighbors DO see you, they’ll buy curtains.  Maybe for us, too!"

~~~

Why can’t life’s problems hit us when we’re seventeen and know everything?

A.C. Jolly

~~~

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited.

Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You’ll never believe it!" Billy said, "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How’d you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

~~~

Be thankful that you don’t have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times…for during those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations, for they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge, for it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes, for they will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary, because it means you’ve made a difference.

It’s easy to be thankful for the good things. Be thankful for everything you are.

– Author Unknown

~~~

Please take a moment and visit my Salvation Army Page.

http://give.salvationarmyusa.org/site/TR/RedKettleCampaigns/RedKettle?px=1116841&pg=personal&fr_id=1110&et=Og4Sdhm2_GL95jeiWCcW5A..&s_tafId=1162

It is going well but I still need $125 to reach my online goal. Please help if you can, even just $5 will help someone.

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Category:

Uncategorized

Hi!

I don’t think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.

Anne Frank

 

 

Greetings all, I hope those of you here in the U.S. are ready for the holidays. In my case I am at the age where my children host our thanksgiving meal and my wife fights the shopping battles. Me, I’ll just rest, thank you very much. Unfortunately I have had some reoccurrence of my heart problem so I have a legitimate excuse. I am moving a little slow today so with your permission I’ll again dip into the past for a daily. With most of our readers on holiday tomorrow I’ll wait until Friday for the next edition.

~~~

November 21, 2000

Believe it or not today is world hello day, so hi there.

~~~

If you are in the US this is the week you will:

Enjoy your Thanksgiving holiday,

Take lots of family pictures,

Eat way too much,

And swear that you are going to start dieting next Monday.

At least that is what I will do.

~~~

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

~~~

"I’d like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young man said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the operator said.

"Do you happen to have a street name?"

The young man scratched his head and hesitated a minute, and then replied…..

"Well, if it will help any, my friends call me ‘Snake’."

~~~

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

Milton Berle

~~~

What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?

"Make me one with everything."

When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don’t I get change?"

The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."

~~~

My accountant is going to put me in a fancy tax shelter: Prison.

~~~

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man says.

"Aw, dad, it’s okay," the son replies. "The poilce car behind us just did the same thing too!"

~~~

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denominations?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

~~~

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard, and not enough chlorine either.

~~~

What came out in the job interviews of the famous:

Julius Caesar – My last job involved a lot of office politics and backstabbing. I’d like to get away from all that.

Jesse James – I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette – My management style has been criticized, but I’d like to think of myself as a people person.

Joseph Guillotine – I can give your company a head start on the competition.

Hamlet – My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.

Lucretia Borgia – My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.

~~~

She told me that she’s about to tell her husband she wrecked the new car.  She hopes they can find her body.

~~~

You know you’re addicted to the internet when…

1 Your bookmarks takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. 

2 You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.                      

3 All of your friends have an @ in their names. 

4 You’ve already visited all the links at Yahoo and you’re halfway through Excite. 

5 You check your mail.  It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 

6 Your phone bill is delivered in a box. 

7 You wake up at 3 a.m.  to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 

8 The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg. 

9 You forget what year it is.             

10 You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

~~~

A cynic is man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

~~~

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team’s response times.

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

The other paramedics nodded in approval.  "Not bad," the second paramedic commented.  "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we’ve cut our average ERT by 20 percent."

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That’s nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our emergency response time in half!"

~~~

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

~~~

David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

~~~

There is an ancient Jewish proverb that says that "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget,

But she’ll never forget what she forgave."

~~~

"I see you were last employed by a Psychiatrist," says the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"

"Well," she replied…. "I just couldn’t win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive!"

~~~

If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

Category:

Uncategorized

Be Thankful

Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving.

W.T. Purkiser

 

 

I am kind of overwhelmed with how good I feel, I had forgotten what it felt like. This really has been a good year in many ways, not the least being how lucky I am to have so many good friends, I certainly have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

 

I decided that rather than going back over all the reasons to be thankful this year that I would look back to some of the Dailies of the past thanksgiving to see if there is something worth repeating, so here goes.

~~~

2005

As most of you know tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day here in the U.S. It is a time when some will reflect on their good fortune, many will overeat, and some will prepare their attack on the stores who always have the biggest sales of the year on the day after Thanksgiving. We are fortunate that most of us have more to be thankful for than we realize.

I share my good fortune with you on a regular basis so I don’t need to list all the good that has come my way. I do want to tell you how much I hope that your year has had many bright spots and that the months and years ahead will continue to bring you good fortune. It is sad that we often take too many of the good things in our lives for granted. It might be worth our while to sit down and list everything we can think of, I suspect we would be surprised by the results. My list would be almost endless, it would include the warm sun, a friendly neighbor, a comfortable home, the smile I got from a child the other day, the things I am allowed to do, and the friends that have given me so much. You get the idea. And when I start to list the things that aren’t all that great I find that most of them are not really that important and some could be changed if I wanted to expend the effort.

I just wish more could share our good fortune. We eat too much while others have little to eat. We can sit by the fireplace and enjoy the warmth when others have to sleep in the cold under bridges. Our health is well managed while millions of children die needlessly of malaria, famine, and war. Yes we have much to be thankful for, in fact we have so much good fortune that we ought to dedicate part of our efforts in the months ahead to making life a little better for those who have little to give them hope much less joy.

~~~

"Let us remember that, as much has been given us, much will be expected from us, and that true homage comes from the heart as well as from the lips, and shows itself in deeds."

Theodore Roosevelt

~~~

Some tips to live by:

·      No matter how talented you think you are at imitating Charlie Chan, do not demonstrate your prowess at this while ordering food from a Chinese restaurant.

·      Never use the second digit on either hand to indicate to someone that your favorite sports team is No. 1.

·      If someone ever asks you your favorite author, remember that People magazine staff writers don’t actually count.

·      Don’t ask for an obscure unpronounceable vegetarian dish at any eating establishment which also dispenses gas, diesel and propane fuel.

~~~

Compromise is the art of dividing the cake in such a way that each one thinks he is getting the biggest piece.

~~~

20 things it takes years to learn

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings,"

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

20. "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck."

~~~

Learn to pause … or nothing worthwhile will catch up to you.

Doug King

~~~

Two lawyers went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained.

The two lawyers stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.

~~~

A rock <– me –> A hard place

~~~

More of my plans for when I become overlord, notwithstanding what we have learned from the movies.

·      I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

·      I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.

·      Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

·      I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

·      No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

~~~

A customer called our airline’s reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. My co-worker asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"
The customer replied, "V-I-S-A."

~~~

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

~~~

”Alice laughed. ‘There’s no use trying,’ she said. ‘One CAN’T believe impossible things.’ ‘I daresay you haven’t had much practice.’ said the Queen. ‘When I was your age, I always did it for a half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes, I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.’”

Alice in Wonderland

~~~

I also want to thank those of you who have helped me fill my Salvation Army Christmas kettle, there is so much need out there and at least in my area there is no better organization to do it than the Salvation Army. It is going well but I still need $235 to reach my online goal. Please help if you can, even just $5 will help someone.

http://give.salvationarmyusa.org/site/TR/RedKettleCampaigns/RedKettle?px=1116841&pg=personal&fr_id=1110&et=Og4Sdhm2_GL95jeiWCcW5A..&s_tafId=1162

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

Category:

Humor

I have a lot of reasons to be thankful

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy

 

 

For those of us who live in the U.S. this is our Thanksgiving week. Thursday is a national holiday and most everyone will spend the day eating too much, watching sports, visiting with family, and some will even be planning their next day shopping as all the stores in America will have specials and huge discounts and our shopping areas will be mad houses.

If I had my way everyone would also take time to stop and identify all the reasons that they have to be thankful. In my case the list is long, not the least being my recent return to good health because of my successful heart operation. Let me give you a tip, if you don’t limit your stopping to realize the reasons you have to be thankful to one day a year your life will be much better. In my case I frequently take inventory of new and old friends, things that I am allowed to do, and generally all the good things in my life. I am even grateful for the adversity for in most cases I have found that I am able to overcome my problems and when there are some I can’t eliminate I am pleased that I have the capacity to accept them and move on.

Sadly many of us are surrounded by cynics who seem to take pleasure in telling us all the reasons why we should be unhappy. Just think how much better our world would be if the cynics expended their energy on trying to make things better rather than trying to make all of us as unhappy as they are. So let’s not wait, let’s count our blessings today and if we do a good job we will realize all the reasons we have to celebrate our Thanksgiving Day holiday.

While I am at it I would like to thank those of you who visited my website at:

http://give.salvationarmyusa.org/site/TR/RedKettleCampaigns/RedKettle?px=1116841&pg=personal&fr_id=1110&et=Og4Sdhm2_GL95jeiWCcW5A..&s_tafId=1162.

I am especially grateful to those of you who have helped me get the job done; I can promise you that good works will be the result. I am glad that I was asked to participate in this program as it is another way for me to express my thanks for all that I have received.

~~~

Thanksgiving Day comes, by statute, once a year; to the honest man it comes as frequently as the heart of gratitude will allow.

Edward Sandford Martin

~~~

TOP TEN REASONS COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO THE THANKSGIVING BREAK

10. You’ll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball

09. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper

08. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jell-O

07. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper

06. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12×14 cell… OK, even if it is for only four days

05. To eat your meals the only trek you’ll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall…in below freezing weather

04. Instead of listening to "when I first started teaching here…" you can be entertained by "when your mother was your age…" and "during the Depression we weren’t lucky enough to have Brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!"

03. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave

02. You’ll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

And the number one reason college students are looking forward to Thanksgiving… (drum roll, please)

01. You won’t be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

~~~

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

~~~

The Lamaze class was in full swing. The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"

She then looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with your partner."

The room suddenly got very quiet as everyone absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes"? answered the instructor.

"I was just wondering, wouldn’t it be even more beneficial to her if she carried a golf bag while we walk"?

~~~

Thanksgiving dinner takes 18 hours to prepare. It is consumed in 12 minutes. Football half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.

Erma Bombeck

~~~

After our friend Tom had been a temporary Bachelor for several weeks, we stopped by his Home to visit him. My wife asked if he was eating Properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of dog food," Tom Told her.  

"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can’t believe you would be eating anything Like that!"  

"Come to the kitchen and I’ll show you," Tom replied.  

Opening the refrigerator door, He waved his hand at a row of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.  

~~~

Optimists make the best of it when they get the worst of it.

~~~

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they’re getting divorced," she shouts, "I’ll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says, "They’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares.

~~~

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.

Mahatma Gandhi

~~~

I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.  

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.  

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.  

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that’s why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."  

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.  

~~~

The unthankful heart… discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!

Henry Ward Beecher

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Category:

Uncategorized

Ready……..Set……….

"If one could only learn to appreciate the little things…

A song that takes you away, for there are those who cannot hear.

The beauty of a sunset, for there are those who cannot see.

The warmth and safety of your home, for there are those who are homeless.

Time spent with good friends for there are those who are lonely.

A walk along the beach for there are those who cannot walk.

The little things are what life is all about,

Search your soul and learn to appreciate."

Shadi Souferian

 

 

It has been great to feel as good as I have over the last two days. I hope it is the permanent result of my recent operation. It has been a long time since I have felt as well and I am looking forward to the days ahead. I am starting to get out and about, have lost 7 pounds and plan on getting back on my treadmill next week. I hope your weekend will be as good as I think mine will be.

 

I feel truly fortunate that I will have a chance to start yet again. The years ahead are filled with opportunity and it is time for me to again reset my priorities and make choices. I plan on trying to stay within my capacity to do what I am asked to do and too continue to put more value on the rewarding moments each of has to be with good people doing good things than those things that provide recognition. I also know I have much more to learn so I plan on making sure I set aside time to expand my knowledge every week. And most of all I will protect enough time to be with my friends so I can enjoy hearing about how well they are doing and what is giving them pleasure.

 

Here is something that I plan to use as a teat of the quality of my plan, you may want to consider it as well.

"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury; and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony."

William Ellery Channing

 

Thanks for being my friend!

Ray Mitchell

Please take a moment and visit my Salvation Army Page

http://give.salvationarmyusa.org/site/TR/RedKettleCampaigns/RedKettle?px=1116841&pg=personal&fr_id=1110&et=Og4Sdhm2_GL95jeiWCcW5A..&s_tafId=1162

~~~

You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.

~~~

"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It’s a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch and I’m not sure he’ll even remember to come back."

Just then, the door flew open and in bounced George.

"You’ll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met old man Brown, who hasn’t bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"

"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he’d forget the sandwiches."

~~~

If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain.

Emily Dickinson

~~~

Remember Life’s "Laws"

1. The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.  

2. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.  

3. Money can’t buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.  

4. Deja moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.  

5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they’re okay, you’re it.  

6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad    check.  

7. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.  

8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.  

9. It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.  

10. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.  

~~~

It is not worth an intelligent man’s time to be in the majority.

By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

G.H. Hardy

~~~

An Australian travel writer, touring Canada, was checking-out of the Hilton. As he paid his bill, he asked the manager, "By the way, what’s with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He’s been there ever since I arrived."

"Oh! That’s ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He’s known as ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’ because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember even the slightest detail of his life."

The travel writer took this in and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief’s memory to the test. "G’day mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"

"Eggs," was the chief’s instant reply, without even looking up and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’s’ great memory.

On his return to the Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’ still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.

Remembering that one local had informed him that ‘How’ was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief rather than ‘G’day’, the Aussie greets him with, "How?"

"Scrambled," replied the Chief.

~~~

Know what I hate? I hate rhetorical questions!

~~~

A guy walks over to a beautiful woman and asks, "Would you mind if I sat here with you?"

She responds by yelling, "No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them and the guy is completely embarrassed. After a few minutes, the woman feels guilty, walks over to the guy and says, "I’m sorry if I embarrassed you."

The guy looks at her and shouts, "What do you mean, $200?"

~~~

Snowflakes are some of nature’s most fragile things but look what happens when they stick together.

~~~

A blonde called in a repairman to fix her electric clock.

He examined it and told her, "There’s nothing wrong with the clock. You didn’t have it plugged in."

She replied, "I don’t want to waste electricity, so I only plug it in when I want to know what time it is."

~~~

"After I’m dead I’d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one."

Cato the Elder

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Category:

Uncategorized

I am glad when I am wrong, are you?

“It is through cooperation, rather than conflict, that your greatest successes will be derived”

 

 

We just had a local election in my city and the incumbents lost in what appeared to be a tax protest. Many in our community like so many other communities wants the services they like continued and paid for but only those and not those that others favor. The result is a polarization between those who consider only their own needs and those that support investments that contribute to the quality of life of the total community.

Similarly as I observe the national polarization as expressed in the current political debates and in Washington I get concerned that we are slipping into an “us guys – those guys” mindset that drives us to the view that those guys are always wrong and always will be and there is no use ever considering their point of view since us guys are never wrong. I think we are getting in deep trouble when we think that everything is a war that requires that those who don’t agree with us unconditionally surrender.

I think we need to continuously ask ourselves if we really want the other guys to be wrong. Is it more important that they fail trying to do the right thing or that they succeed. What I am trying to say is that far too many of us find it easier to live in a black and white world and then to defend our choices beyond reason. Is it our ego that makes us need to always feel we are right versus revisiting what we thought to see if we really are. Is our need to always be right more important than supporting the right thing even when it is done by others?

I think I may have written about this recently but I needed to do it again. I truly hope I am wrong about the people I voted against in the election. I want them to keep my city safe, vibrant and thriving for while if they fail to do so I might have been right in voting against them but it would come at too high a price. I will keep an open mind, cheer their good works, help when I can, and let them know when I have a concern.

Yes my friends I really do hope I was wrong and I will be glad to be proven so. I hope you too will eye results instead of who got them. We need to quit beating each other up and start doing good together.

~~~

“The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation.”

Bertrand Russell

~~~

A little girl was observed by her pastor standing outside the pre-school Sunday School classroom between Sunday School and worship, waiting for her parents to come and pick her up for "big church."

The pastor noticed that she clutched a big storybook under her arms with the obvious title, "Jonah and the Whale." Feeling a little pernicious, he knelt down beside the little girl and began a conversation. "What’s that you have in your hand?" he asked. 

"This is my storybook about Jonah and the Whale," she answered.

"Tell me something, little girl," he continued, "do you believe that story about Jonah and that whale to be the truth?" 

The little girl implored, "Why of course I believe this story to be the truth!" 

He inquired further, "You really believe that a man can be swallowed up by a big whale, stay inside him all that time, and come out of there still alive and OK? You really believe all that can be true?"

She declared, "Absolutely, this story is in the Bible and we studied about it in Sunday School today!" 

Then the pastor asked, "Well, little girl, can you prove to me that this story is the truth?" 

She thought for a moment and then said, "Well, when I get to Heaven, I’ll ask Jonah." 

The pastor then asked, "Well, what if Jonah’s not in Heaven?" 

She then put her hands on her little hips and sternly declared, "Then YOU can ask him!"

~~~

A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn’t act that way very often.

~~~

MEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

"I’m hungry." = I’m hungry.

"I’m sleepy." = I’m sleepy.

"I’m tired."= I’m tired.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"What’s wrong?" = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

"What’s wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What’s wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

~~~

A light heart lives long.

~~~

She said:

If I am trying to sleep, it’s because I am exhausted from my almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it’s because he is lazy.

No matter what the activity, he doesn’t do it as well as my past boyfriend.

If he pays attention to me, he is smothering me. If he gives me space, he is ignoring me.

I demand to be treated as an equal in everything – except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. – these are required gifts proving his love.

~~~

I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.

~~~

KNOW YOUR GETTING OLDER WHEN:

You know all the answers but nobody asks you any questions. 

You get winded playing checkers. 

You need a fire permit to light all of your birthday candles and you need oxygen after blowing them out. 

You order Geritol on the rocks. 

You sink your teeth into a thick steak and they stay there. 

You stop to think and forget to start again. 

You don’t need an alarm clock to get up with the chickens. 

Your pacemaker opens the garage door whenever a cute gal goes by. 

The only whistles you get are from the tea kettle. 

A fortune-teller wants to read your face. 

You finally get it all together, but can’t remember where you put it. 

You pray for a good prune-juice harvest. 

Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.      

You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere. 

Your little black book contains only names ending with M.D. 

You look forward to a dull evening. 

You join a health club and never go. 

You need your glasses to find your glasses. 

You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going. 

Your knees buckle, but your belt won’t    

You have too much room in the house, and not enough in the medicine chest. 

~~~

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

~~~

My Top Ten Inventions

1) The water-proof towel

2) Solar powered flashlight

3) Submarine screen door

4) A book on how to read

5) Inflatable dart board

6) A dictionary index

7) Ejector seat in a helicopter

8) Powdered water

9) Pedal-powered wheel chair

10) Water-proof tea bag

~~~

"Who among us is willing to pay the real cost of a right and beautiful world? The real cost is unselfishness; real caring; true cooperation and self-sacrifice-in short, less ego. If we fool ourselves that our ideals, our values, and our visions could work without effective ego-reduction, then ego has the last laugh, because it’s pulling the wool over our eyes."

Unknown

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

Category:

Humor

Arn’t you glad our lives are so good?

We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same.

Anne Frank

 

 

I had great news at the hospital this morning, no more self administered shots as part of my post op recovery. I am on my way back, not just to how I was a few weeks ago but to how I felt a few years ago. I don’t even have to get another blood test until Monday. While none of the recent past has been fun, things could have been much worse, I know that I am more fortunate than most people and I have every reason to be grateful. Each month of my life has been better than the last in some way and I often have to stop and remember it is not that way for everyone.

Even though we are members of the fortunate few too many of us focus on our problems and leave no time for the joy that exists just below the surface. As you know I never know what I will put in the daily until I sit down to do it. Sometimes I look back at something I have saved from days gone by and that’s what I did today. It was the following that got me again feeling so good about all I have, I wish I knew where I got it– it had to have been written by someone special.

 

Do you remember the times when life has seemed almost magical? Do you remember those days when you felt as if you were floating on air? Stop for a moment and fill yourself with those feelings of how very good, how very special life can be. Though the events may be distant in space and time, the positive feelings they bring can always be with you. Remember often how good life can be. For the more you remember, the more life you give to your best possibilities.

If you focus your attention on the worries, anxieties, conflicts and shortcomings, those are the things that will grow. Focus instead on how good life can be, and with every moment you’ll be making it better. Look up, rather than down, and you’ll see an infinitely bigger, more positive horizon. Celebrate life’s real and substantial goodness, and that goodness will come to dominate your reality. Take a moment, early and often, to remember how very good life can be. And make the goodness grow ever stronger.

~~~

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children…to leave the world a better place…to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

I really enjoy:

The sound of leaves,

The time I get to spend alone,

New Years eve at sea,

And especially the innocence of children.

~~~

Don’t tell me that worry doesn’t do any good. I know better.  The things I worry about don’t happen.

~~~

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.

He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear; right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!…."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don’t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of his predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The river ran again.

And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw… brought both paws together… bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

~~~

If you find yourself in an argument with a woman, plead insanity–they never argue with that.

~~~

No matter what we learned from the movies, when they make me the Evil Overlord I will:

Be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

Make sure that one of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

That all slain enemies are cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

That the hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

Never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

Never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know."

~~~

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

~~~

"Hello, Bill," exclaimed Jim, meeting a buddy for the first time in a while. "Did you marry that girl you used to go with or are you still doing your own cooking and ironing?"

"Yes," replied Bill.

~~~

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon." Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?" The clerk smiled and said… "Rain…"

~~~

“You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.”

Jim Rohn

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

Category:

Uncategorized

I look forward to seeing you there

“When you do nothing, you feel overwhelmed and powerless.

But when you get involved, you feel the sense of hope and accomplishment that comes from knowing you are working to make things better.”

 

 

A friend of mine spoke to a group not long ago about how lucky we are to live in my hometown. He told us great things are happening because people like you and me are involved in so much of what is going on in our community. He shared examples of how so many that were not rich nor had prestigious family connections had lead or influenced many of the good things happening around us.

I thought about what my friend had said and realized the room was full of people with untapped potential, people who observe but don’t come alive and get involved. Far too many of us sit and wait to be discovered and then wonder why our lives are so drab and our rut too deep to crawl out of. My concern resulted in my reflecting back on how I had become involved in so many meaningful activities. I realized that I could be one of those my friend had described, I came to town without wealth and with absolutely no family or friend connections and yet I have been privileged to have been allowed to do so much at the local, state, and national level. I have no outstanding academic credentials and hold no records. As I thought about it I realized that the secret was being myself and just being there.

Nobody is going to discover our talents and interests if we stay in our cocoon. No matter what they say, opportunity won’t knock on your door if it does not know where you live. I am not talking about change the world opportunities, I am talking about being asked to join with others next Saturday for a few hours to make your neighborhood a better place or going to a lecture and talking to the person in the next seat and discovering a new friend.

We are at a time in our world that we need all the help we can get and yet many of us stay home wondering why our lives are not more exciting. I have two suggestions, first decide that it is perfectly all right to just be yourself and second come out and meet us somewhere, we would love to have your help. So the next time I am at a class at the center I’ll look for you, if I am volunteering ringing bells for the Salvation Army I hope we do it together, and when I hear you stand up and suggest how things can be changed for the better I’ll be thankful that you were there to say it.

~~~

“If you’re not actively involved in getting what you want, you don’t really want it.”

Peter McWilliams

~~~

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I’m just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you’re in good health. They are taking care of you, aren’t they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.

"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven.  I’m afraid they’re all wondering where I went."

~~~

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

~~~

She said:

You! Off my planet!!

Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

~~~

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.

Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

~~~

He said:

Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they’re actually in control.

Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don’t bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don’t understand".

Women need to cry. And they won’t do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

~~~

If nobody measures up, check your yardstick.

~~~

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.

"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."

"Would you repeat that, please?"  Bob asked.

The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a ticket?"

"No," said Bob, "But I think I’ll hang around and watch that thing take off."

~~~

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.

Alfred Adler

~~~

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We’ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."

Her husband replied "Well, lots of dogs can do that."

The wife responded, " But we’ve never subscribed to any papers!"

~~~

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

~~~

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.  She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.  She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I’m not bitter.  Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me."

~~~

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."

Jeff Valdez

~~~

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.  "I’m not aware of your problem," the doctor said.  "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient.  "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…"

~~~

“You must get involved to have an impact. No one is impressed with the won-lost record of the referee.”

Napoleon Hill

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

Category:

Humor