Ray's musings and humor

Archive for August, 2010

Bye ByeAugust

By all these lovely tokens September days are here,

With summer’s best of weather

And autumn’s best of cheer.

Helen Hunt Jackson

 

 

 

Here we are the last day in August, two thirds of the year has gone by and summer will soon be over. Here in Indianapolis we have had almost no rain and the temperature seldom got below 90 degrees Fahrenheit. While I had a few personal glitches the good news is that I have lost 12 pounds so far and taken four inches off my waist, it is a good thing that I have accumulated a wardrobe of varying sizes as the years have gone by as my weight ebbed and flowed.

Tomorrow brings us to September, the harbinger of autumn and cooler weather and as usual a number of U.S. traditional monthly activities, here are a few for you to add to your plans.

September is:

American Newspaper Month – Don’t wait any longer; read them now for they are folding fast.

Bourbon Month – If I would have known that we were supposed to drink more bourbon in September I would have done my part, unfortunately I have learned too late and now can’t mix alcohol with my multitude of pills. Oh well at today’s prices not being able to drink or smoke is a great money saver.

Emergency Care Month – I have had all the emergency care I want already this year, thank you very much, no more please.

Hot Breakfast Month – I don’t care what they say I am not limiting my hot breakfast consumption to only one month out of the year.

International Cooperation Learning Month – I am not sure what this means but if it means we need to learn to cooperate more, I’m all for it. Maybe our political parties ought to be required to take the course.

Marriage Health Month – I find the best marital health enhancer is frequent use of the phrase “Yes Dear.”

National Courtesy Month – I really like this one, thank you very much.

Pleasure Your Mate Month – We are at the point in life were this is an everyday obligation so I do all the cooking and she takes pleasure in not doing it.

~~~

If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years.

Bertrand Russell

~~~

My cousin, a recent widower, who lives up in the Tampa area thought it might be a good idea to get himself a dog for a bit of companionship. Checking out the pet ads in the local newspaper he came across one that read: "Purebred Police Dog $25". Thinking that sounded like a pretty fair bargain, he called and ordered the dog to be delivered and paid up-front by credit card.

The very next day a van pulled up and left on his doorstep, in a cardboard kennel, the him mangiest looking mongrel he had ever seen. In a bit of a rage, he telephoned the man who had placed the ad and shouted over the phone. "What the hell do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Hey calm down," the man responded, "Don’t be deceived by his looks, mister," "That dog’s under cover and in the Secret Service."

~~~

"A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both."

Dwight D. Eisenhower

~~~

I was pleased to learn that as men mature they become even more attractive, in their unique, distinguished appearance. Women find them overwhelmingly seductive and can’t help themselves. Although I was not happy to learn that men my age are also a lot more gullible and will believe most anything!

~~~

Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about entirely.

~~~

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience. Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."

~~~

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainty that just to be alive is a grand thing.

Agatha Christie

~~~

A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I’m collecting donations for the new children’s home we’re building. I hope you’ll give what you can."

"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I’ll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."

~~~

Ask why until you understand.

~~~

She said: My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out.

"I know," he replied. "It’s a fad me and some of the guys started."

Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can’t stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.

"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do, too."

~~~

Have you ever thought that life is a car wash and you are on a bike?

~~~

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska–a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking.  He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.  "If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."

~~~

186,000 miles/sec. Not just a good idea, it’s the LAW.

~~~

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.  He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap?’

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

~~~

"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."

Hugh Downs

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Advertisements

Simplify

As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler;

solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness.

Henry David Thoreau

 

 

The other day my 19 year old grandson asked me what CC meant on his e-mail reader. Of course I told him it meant carbon copy a throw back to the days when we used carbon paper on typewriters. It was then I again realized the intergenerational gap that widens as each year goes by as things change even more rapidly. I don’t think he has ever even seen a typewriter except in old movies.

This brought to mind how I regularly write the daily as if everyone has seen, heard, experienced and learned the same things I have. A case in point is how I often make reference to Thoreau and his Walden Pond experiences without considering the possibility that others are unfamiliar with what he did. Thoreau left the urban life to live more simply in the rural atmosphere of Walden Pond. There he discovered the joy that can come from a simpler life, one not cluttered by what is bought and collected but one that enjoys the abundance that exists all around us that is often overlooked.

A more recent example was what a valued friend told me last week. I have known her for a couple of years. We first met when we worked on what she might do vocationally in the future. She is well educated having an MBA, she ran businesses in Europe and has a wealth of experience. In other words she is someone with a six figure earning potential. I suggested that she figure out how much her and her partner needed to maintain a comfortable life style and then put value on the non-income producing things she could do to live a full and happy life. As the months have gone by we did not talk much about it until last week when she reported with some glee that they had done the assessment and in fact had started to embrace a simpler life style. They decided they really did not need that much money, they have a modest house and economical car that meets their needs, and they have each other. They have put in a garden that provides both beauty and food. She volunteers helping others and has worked with disadvantaged kids. They read, they conserve, they enjoy what they do together and they seem to have discovered a degree of happiness that too many miss these days.

My friend has proven to me that you don’t have to travel to your Walden Pond for it can exist wherever you are, you just have to be able to realize it. There is a joyous freedom that comes from realizing you do not have to prove your worth by the accumulation of material goods; you can prove it by the accumulation of experiences and good work.

~~~

“It is what a man thinks of himself that really determines his fate.”

Henry David Thoreau

~~~

Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

~~~

Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast; you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.

Eddie Cantor

~~~

Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle of the night feeding?"

"No. I always did that."

"That must have been before you had women’s liberation."

"No, it was before we had baby bottles."

~~~

"Old" is when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

~~~

A priest was sitting on the steps of the church one spring day enjoying the sunshine.  He saw a young boy approaching him on the sidewalk pulling a wagon.  Every few yards one of the wheels would fall off the wagon, the boy would say "Damn!" put the wheel back on, and continue down the street, and a wheel would fall off again a few yards later.

As the boy neared the steps, the priest saw this as an opportunity to make an impression on the boy, and stopped him.  "You know," he said to the boy, "when a wheel falls off your wagon, instead of using profanity, you should say ‘Praise the Lord!’ instead."  He went on to tell the boy how Someone is always watching over us and how we should be careful to do the right thing at all times.

The boy acknowledged his words and thanked him, and went on down the street.  The priest stood there, feeling quite pleased with himself.  About 50 yards away from the steps, all four wheels fell off the wagon, the boy stopped, heaved a huge sigh, and said, "Praise the Lord!"  Instantly the wagon raised off the ground, all four wheels returned to their places.

Upon seeing this, the priest said, "Damn!"

~~~

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."

Germaine Greer

~~~

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced.  "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn’t you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

~~~

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.

~~~

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here’s an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

     1) Hold down the shift key.

     2) Hit the 4 key four times.

~~~

"To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you’re overdoing it."

Josh Jenkins

~~~

An older lady is making her first visit to her new doctor’s office. Before seeing the doctor she is required to fill-out forms. A nurse in the office offers to help her do this. The nurse starts by asking, "How old are you, Mrs. Silver?"

"None of your business," she responds. The nurse then says, "But the doctor must know your age for his records."

Mrs. Silver replies, "Okay. Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?"

"Yes." answers the nurse.

"All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?"

The nurse says, "Zero."

Mrs. Silver responds, "Right! And that’s exactly the chance of me telling you my age."

~~~

“Our life is frittered away by detail … simplify, simplify.”

Henry David Thoreau

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 

Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Try a new road

"Throughout the centuries there were those who took first steps down new roads armed with nothing but their own vision."

Ayn Rand

 

 

 

I think today I’ll share some more from the list of life‘s lessons that a friend sent me a few years ago.

The biggest lie on the planet: "When I get what I want, I will be happy."It has been proven time and again getting what you want almost always results in wanting more or something else. Far too often we find that when we got to the other side we found that the grass was greener where we were, the problem was that we never took the time to appreciate what we had.

The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.Of course this is obvious but I often put solving the problem off too long. Problems linger when we procrastinate. It is always better to do it now so you can move on

We often fear the thing we want the most. – I know one thing if we don’t try because of our fear we will never get what we want.

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you have to say. Best friends listen to what you don’t say!There are those I know who can see what is going on without me telling them, in fact some see things I can’t see myself, I am fortunate that they care that much.

Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints. – I don’t want to ignore others complaints but it does no good for me to carry mine on to tomorrow, I have too many things to do to waste time complaining.

Look for opportunities…. Not guarantees. – Don’t play it so safe that you never venture out to where action, adventure and reward exists.

Life is what’s coming…. Not what was. – While I do enjoy my memories I enjoy building new ones even more.

~~~

Why not go out on a limb? That’s where the fruit is.

Will Rogers

~~~

"Twas the night before school started,

When all through the town,

The parents were cheering,

It was a riotous sound.

 

By eight p.m. the kids were washed,

And snugly tucked into bed,

When memories of homework

Filled them with dread.

 

New pencils, new folders,

New notebooks too,

New teachers, new friends,

Their anxiety grew.

 

The parents recited comforting words

To ease their children’s fright,

Then calmly instructed the tiny tots,

"Get back to bed now, it’s a school night!"

~~~

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."

Tom Clancy

~~~

Little Johnny came into the house with a new harmonica.

"Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Johnny. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?" "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

~~~

"Never trust your tongue when your heart is bitter."

Samuel J. Hurwitt

~~~

She said: Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don’t bounce back. It’s more like splat!

Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.

~~~

"It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

Jerry Seinfeld

~~~

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tch, Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin’, sir."

"Fishin’, eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the 6th today, sir!"

~~~

"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."

~~~

An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.

When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced…

"It’s a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!"

~~~

Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things, in which smiles and kindness, and small obligations win and preserve the heart.

Humphrey Davy

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 

Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Try a dose of sunshine

“Smile, it’s free therapy.”

Doug Horton

 

 

 

The day got away from me today. Between meetings, errands and an inoculation it is already mid-afternoon.

Have you noticed that some days seem to leave little time for doing all you want to do? A friend said recently that we often miss seeing all that is worthwhile in our days because we don’t stop and review what we really did get done. If your days end with you dissatisfied maybe even stressed out you might want to follow the advice I got in an e-mail sometime ago from life coach Jon Gordon. Here are his tips that can help you get out of the funk that sometimes exists in life.

 

Practice Gratitude – You can’t be stressed and thankful at the same time. Gratitude is like muscle the more you do it the stronger it gets. Take 10 minutes each day and make a list of what you are thankful for. You will fill your body and brain with costless and priceless anti-depressants.

Take a Walk of Gratitude – I do this each morning and it feeds me all day long.

Turn off the News – Starve the negative dog.

Smile More – It enhances your serotonin levels and uplifts you.

Read Uplifting BooksIn my case I find light reading to be a great way to recharge.

Get together with a positive, uplifting personI agree with this big time, I don’t need negative people to drag me into their unhappiness.

Call or visit someone who has made a difference in your life and thank them. (research shows this is a huge happiness booster)

Write a Few Thank You Notes Today – When you thank others you feed them and yourself.

Watch a funny movie that makes you belly laugh.

Mentor someone and be mentored by someone.

Start a Success Journal – Write down the one great thing about your day. The more you look for success, the more you will find it.

Decide to Make a Difference – When you help other people with their problems you forget about your own.

 

If we get a headache we don’t hesitate to take a pill to get relief so why not treat an emotional malady the same way. It is therapeutic to take a dose of gratitude, appreciation and positive action as prescribed by Gordon. If you do don’t be surprised when your days become a little brighter.

~~~

1. Start each day with a grateful heart.

2. Focus on the positive aspects of every person you encounter.

3. End each day with a grateful heart.

Lucy MacDonald

~~~

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, "This is Mr. Magillicutty. I need you to bury my wife."

"Mr. Magillicutty? Sidney Magillicutty?"

"Yes, that’s right."

"Didn’t I bury your wife 10 years ago?" the undertaker asked.

"I got married again," the man sobbed.

"Oh," replied the undertaker. "Congratulations."

~~~

A man ninety years old was asked to what he attributed his longevity. I reckon, he said, with a twinkle in his eye, it because most nights I went to bed and slept when I should have sat up and worried.

Dorothea Kent ~

~~~

Here are some actual comments made by NYC Teachers on student’s report cards. These comment were made as part of their final narratives.

All the Teachers were reprimanded, but they said it was worth it!

1. "Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow your student to breed."

3. "Your child has delusions of adequacy."

4. "Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

5. "Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

6. "The student has a "full six pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

7. "This child has been working with glue too much."

8. "When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell."

9. "The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is not coming."

10. "If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week."

11. "It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others."

~~~

"It is better to ask some of the questions than to know all the answers."

James Thurber

~~~

An elderly man was driving down the freeway, and the car phone rings. Answering, he found it was his son’s voice urgently warning, "I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-285.  Please! Be careful!"

"Hey!" said the senior citizen, "It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!"

~~~

I couldn’t remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really do melt in your hand…

Peter Oakley

~~~

The school of agriculture’s dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.

"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

~~~

"It is a sign of a creeping inner death when we no longer can praise the living."

Eric Hoffer

~~~

A boy, who was a witness in court, was asked by a lawyer: "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"

"Yes, sir."

"I thought so! Who was it?"

"My father, sir."

"And what did he tell you?"

"He said the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, I would be all right."

~~~

"Statistics Means Never Having to Say you’re Certain"

~~~

Barbara said, I returned to my parents’ home to attend a funeral. At the funeral my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar.  "Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?" she asked as she left me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He must be the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother’s funeral. "It’s good to see you again, Rabbi," I said. "Though I wish it weren’t always under such tragic circumstances.  "The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.

"Imagine," she whispered, "after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your wedding!"

~~~

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.

Anthony J. D’Angelo

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 

Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy.

Promote civility

"When once the forms of civility are violated, there remains little hope of return to kindness or decency"

Samuel Johnson

 

 

If you don’t mind I am going to take the day off so I will again dust off an old Daily and send that instead. I’ll see you tomorrow, have a great day and keep smiling.

Ray

 

Ray’s Daily first published August 25th 2005

 

I miss the days when we were less polarized, less interested in finding out the dirt about others, a time when we avoided using ridicule and cruelty in our dealings with others.

~~~

Given the tone of political debate among candidates and commentators, it is a wonder that anyone would choose to run for public office.

Let’s lower our voices and treat each other with respect, even when – especially when – we disagree. We’re all Americans; we’re not enemies.

Each of us needs to apply the wisdom of the Golden Rule to political discussion: Treat others the way we would want to be treated.

We will be more tolerant if we keep in mind the humbling possibility that the other guy just might be right.

Glenn Dromgoole

 

Too many red-blue and conservative-liberal differences have generated animosity, hostility, and even hatred. If you are like me you regularly receive e-mails filled with scorn and derision about someone the writer opposes. There was a time when people exchanged factual points of view versus innuendos and outright falsehoods.

~~~

Two men look out through the same bars: One sees the mud, and one the stars.

Fredrick Langbridge

I think our only hope rests with those who can see the stars. Let’s hope they emerge victorious.

~~~

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk rejection.

To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.

Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave.

He has forfeited his freedom.

Only a person who takes risks is free.

Dr. Leo Buscaglia

 

I think civility dies a little every day when we ourselves accept the incivility of others. Too many of us don’t want to take the risk that someone else may not agree with us so we tolerate invective and the diatribes of others. Courtesy and civility is a much better way to live, the others may not appreciate it but you will. And, oh by the way, thanks for listening, I appreciate it.

~~~

Church Signs

Trespassers will be baptized!

"No God – No Peace. Know God – Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"People are like tea bags — you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"Fight truth decay — study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity – Smoking or Nonsmoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"Come work for the Lord.

The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" (U R)

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."

"If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

~~~

"Friends are helpful not only because they will listen to us, but because they will laugh at us; Through them we learn a little objectivity, a little modesty, a little courtesy; We learn the rules of life and become better players of the game"

Will Durant

~~~

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he’d have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe’s wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.

"About $4,500," said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I’ve finally got job security!"

~~~

 

"My creed is that public service must be more than doing a job efficiently and honestly. It must be a complete dedication to the people and to the nation with full recognition that every human being is entitled to courtesy and consideration, that constructive criticism is not only to be expected but sought, that smears are not only to be expected but fought, that honor is to be earned, not bought."

Margaret Chase Smith

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

I will if I can

“An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.”

Mae West

 

 

 

I have gotten a lot of advice and feedback from caring friends this year. In the main they expressed concern about my extending myself beyond my capability to reliably serve. In truth their council has real value. I, like so many of you often have a hard time saying no, not only to those who ask me to do something but also to myself when the desire is so strong that I commit to something I probably should not have. We do no favors when we say yes and then are unable to perform at our best.

We are judged in the main by our reliability, dependability and the quality of our effort. Of even greater importance is avoiding the possibility of letting others down which sometimes results in the failure of a project. That is why I have tried in recent years to avoid committing to anything where my participation was important or critical since my health sometimes intervenes limiting my ability to do my part. That does not mean that I won’t continue to stay active and do all I can. As I said in the Daily the other day, I may not be able to march in the parade but I can follow it up with a broom and shovel and feel grateful for being allowed to do so. My life has been filled with amazing experiences and wonderful friends, the mix may change but the fun goes on.

Ralph Marston wrote a piece a few months ago about the importance of commitment that makes a lot of sense, my only caveat is that we don’t take on more than we might be able to do. But we must stay open to stretching ourselves and taking on all that we can do. Here is what Marston wrote:

 

When you must, you will. When there is nothing to fall back on, you can only move forward. It’s frightening when everything is on the line. It’s also exhilarating and motivating and compelling and empowering.

Commitment is not a halfway thing. Either you’re all the way in or you’re simply not going to be very effective.

Choose your priorities thoughtfully, carefully, and sincerely. Then commit yourself fully to them.

Real, solid, unwavering commitment brings the power of purpose to what you’re doing. Be truly committed, and it happens.

You can achieve whatever you imagine. Do it by jumping all the way in.

~~~

“Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart.”

~~~

One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."

"You’re lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"

~~~

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

~~~

Catching her in the act, I confronted my 3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister’s grapes?" I demanded.

"No," she innocently replied, "I’m helping her share."

~~~

“Character is the total of thousands of small daily strivings to live up to the best that is in us.”

A. G. Trudeau

~~~

The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O’Brian was called for his question session.

"Property holder?"

"Yes, I am, Your Honor."

"Married or single?"

"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

"Formed or expressed an opinion?"

"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

~~~

Why is it called a T.V. set when you only get one? Same thing for a pair of jeans. What’s one jean?

~~~

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man’s window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"

The young man replied, "Well sir, I’m a juggler."

The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don’t say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe’s Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe’s Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee. When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don’t go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

~~~

"The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance."

Laurence J. Peter

~~~

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax………. OH MY GOD!"

Deadly silence………..

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

~~~

A good time to keep you mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

~~~

I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.

At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "GrandPa, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

~~~

I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle.

I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.

Mother Teresa

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 

Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

It rally isn’t

"It ain’t over till it’s over."

Yogi Berra

 

 

 

As the years go by the game goes on and "it ain’t over until it’s over" is as true as it ever was. Some however decide to forfeit and walk away even though there is plenty of time left to play on. What’s even worse are those folks who never even sign up to play.

As the game plays on situations change, incomes rise and fall and some skills wane as new ones develop. The one thing sure is that time marches on and the game continues. Sadly some of us just give up and stop playing, others sit on the bench and just watch while those who stay in the game reap the rewards that come from playing. We may not be as fast as we were but often we are smarter. Sometimes we leave one game to play in another with different demands.

Whatever the case there is always a game and always a place in it for us to play. It is those who do not get defeated by a loss or two and those who hang in there that get there second wind and reap the rewards that come from the thrill of play.

Yep, life is the big game. Each of us is offered the opportunity to play in it, some of us jump at the chance while others need to be dragged unto the field and some just sit down and refuse to play. What is tragic are those that hang back so long that the game ends before they decide to play in it.

What is really neat is that you never have to wait to start. A new game always starts tomorrow and your play does not depend on your past for it was what you do after they shout play ball that counts. Yes life "ain’t never over until it’s over," that is unless you quit before it ends.

 

Start Where You Stand

By Berton Braley

Start where you stand and never mind the past,

The past won’t help you in beginning new,

If you have left it all behind at last

Why, that’s enough, you’re done with it, you’re through;

This is another chapter in the book,

This is another race that you have planned,

Don’t give the vanished days a backward look,

Start where you stand.

 

The world won’t care about your old defeats

If you can start anew and win success;

The future is your time, and time is fleet

And there is much of work and strain and stress;

Forget the buried woes and dead despairs,

Here is a brand-new trial right at hand,

The future is for him who does and dares,

Start where you stand.

~~~

The best way to prepare for life is to begin to live.

Elbert Hubbard

~~~

Two older women, Judy and Monica, who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said Monica, "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Judy.

"Of course, the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled Monica.

Judy responded, "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

~~~

Stop asking if the glass is half full or half empty.

Instead, ask "What’s in it? How did it get there? What can I do with it?"

David Kaufman

~~~~~~

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y’allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are xamples excerpts from the Y’allbonics/English dictionary:

RETARD – (verb) – To stop working.

Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.

Usage "You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh."

RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege.

Usage "We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats."

~~~

"I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes aren’t coming true."

Eric Presbrey

~~~

There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand– it being hot and him being thirsty– he decided to stop. once he got up to the little boy’s stand, he noticed a sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents", well, he thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to get some anyway. Well, he gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig. so he slapped it back onto the table and says, "fill ‘er up." and the kid says, "sure thing, that’ll be 10 cents." To this the business man says, "but your sign says all you can drink for a dime." "It is," the little boy replies, "that’s all you can drink for a dime.

~~~

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

Colin Greene

~~~

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

4. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

5. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

~~~

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

~~~

"It’s no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."

"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears, boy."

"You see, sir? I’m no good at math, either!"

~~~

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation, but would like it to keep in touch.

Robert Orben

~~~

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.  As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts.  The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints – this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating.  After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who’s 99."

~~~

To find what you seek in the road of life, the best proverb of all is that which says:

"Leave no stone unturned."

Edward Bulwer Lytton

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 

Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Tag Cloud