Ray's Daily

“If one advances confidently in the direction of one’s dreams, and endeavors to live the life which one has imagined, one will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

Henry David Thoreau

I have been concerned lately with the number of people who come to see me who seem to have given up on themselves. Loss of job, economic stress, poor working conditions, family problems and other negative events seem to take people down more easily than in the past. I hope I am wrong and that I just see more than my share of those who seem to have surrendered to a colorless fate without making a strong effort to resist. To some extent I think that we have allowed society, tradition and others convince us of what constitutes a successful life and anything else is failure. How sad it is that some people focus so narrowly on a few of life’s elements as being the only key to happiness.

Thankfully it doesn’t have to be that way. The tough part is that far too many have not spent any time finding out enough about themselves to be able to understand the keys to their own happiness. The good news is that those who do see how the road ahead can be much better than the road behind and enthusiastically go for something better. These folks communicate their interests with enthusiasm and people react positively. I know it is not easy after being conditioned year after year to define success only by the definitions of others.

Today I am including a fairly long article written by Stephen Martile that is similar to the discussions I often have with friends looking for brighter alternatives. Don’t give up on you — let the real you emerge and you’ll be surprised how good life can be.

Finding purpose in life gives you direction and guidance. It channels inner forces and energy to overcome outer circumstances and conditions. It’s at the crux of leading your life, instead of having life lead you. Are you doing what you love? Are you living on purpose? Here are 4 ways to finding purpose in life:

1. Introspection.

Spend some time with yourself. Examine your life and get in touch with those thoughts and feelings that are important to you. Reflect on past experiences and ask yourself:

* When do I feel that my life is most meaningful?

* What do I enjoy doing the most?

* What activities bring me the most passion and energy?

* What are my true priorities?

* What is the deepest purpose I would like to express in my life?

Write down the answers to these questions. Just reading this is not going to cut it.

Find a quiet space and take 15-20 minutes to really answer these questions. Spend some time and really think about what brings you joy and happiness in your life. Reflect back on your life and write down the answers that come to you.

2. Environment.

You see, you occur to people a certain way. The way you see yourself may be different than the way others see you. The way you occur to others is a reflection of your inner self. The people in your life are reflective of your way of being. They see things that you don’t. The clues to finding purpose in life can be found in the people that are closest to you.

Consider 5 people in your life that are close to you: your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend or other important friends or family members in your life. Sit down with them and ask them these questions:

* What do you think comes most naturally to me?

* What do you think are my special talents and gifts?

* What do you think I am really good at?

* What do you think is really important to me?

* When do you find that I’m the happiest and what am I doing?

Again, just reading this is not going to cut it. Write out the answers and review them. Compare the answers you received from the introspection method to the environment method, then look for patterns.

* What are the similarities?

* What patterns do you see?

* What qualities, character traits and values seem to be repeated over and over again?

This is a clue. Your patterns are an indication of what is unique and special about you.

3. Natural Ability, Not Skill..

When looking for answers, consider natural ability and not skills. Skills are those actions that you’ve perfected over time; they’re external and not necessarily unique to you. Skills are important to executing a well crafted life purpose but are secondary to natural ability.

Look for natural ability; this comes from the inside. Everyone’s got it – you’ve got it. Your natural ability is an act of creative contribution that ignites you. It’s natural to you because it’s part of who you really are. Look for natural ability when examining your life with the questions above.

4. You’re Inspired.

When you’re inspired, your “in spirit,” and spirit is who you really are. Inspiration is the act of expressing that which is within you. Again, your environment is a reflection of who you are. Consider the people, mentors, heroes and superstars in your life that are an inspiration. The reason they are inspiring to you is because you see some of yourself in these other people.

What is your purpose? Consider these questions:

* Who are some of your heroes and what is inspiring about them?

* Who are the teachers, coaches or mentors that inspire you the most?

* Which movie stars, musicians or performers are inspiring to you?

Again, it’s all about recognizing the patterns. Look for those areas in your life where you see a common thread. These are the clues to realizing and finding purpose in life.

~~~

“Life’s real failure is when you do not realize how close you were to success when you gave up.”

~~~

A friend said: Our five-year-old son went to a church conference with my wife and me. He got restless, so my wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested he mark down every time the speaker said the word "and." After a while, he grew bored, and I asked, "Would you like to listen for a different word?"

"Yes," he whispered.  "I’d like to listen for ‘Amen’."

~~~

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can’t get out.

Steven Wright

~~~

A woman’s husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change."

The following day her husband fulfilled her request. He put $40 in nickels, dimes and quarters into a quart jar, then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer.

On her birthday he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change.

~~~

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."

Mark Twain

~~~

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn’t see us or recognize my pick-up."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we’re in here… and he’s the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "But God won’t tell my wife."

~~~

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her…or something like that.

~~~

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

~~~

"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.

Be the living expression of God’s kindness — kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile."

Mother Teresa

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task.

William James

As many of you know I have limited my activities this week by avoiding negative meetings, e-mails and the like. As I suspected this not only resulted in my staying in a positive frame of mind, it also provided more time to deal with the things that I have in backlog — mostly notes and other documents that clutter up my desk, the floor around me and the many shelves in my office den.

Great news, right? Wrong! I again found during my mini-sabbatical that my interests greatly exceed my ability to follow them all. My ability to procrastinate coupled with my failure to ruthlessly prioritize have left me with piles of things that have aged to the point of uselessness.

In my business life I had the good fortune of having colleagues that would join me as I attacked the stacks that had accumulated. They made sure I handled everything in the stacks of paper by throwing away things that I would never get to resulting in my ending up with a small pile of things I had to do soon and a slightly larger pile of things worth doing. Since these good people are long gone I plan on calling on my imaginary friend to sit with me and insist on my doing as I use to do, junk the unimportant, focus on what needs to be done and then rewarding myself with a manageable pile of things that should be done.

Besides thinking about my dilemma I decided to see what others offered as solutions. In the process I found this suggestion from author Tim Clark that I think has value.

Do First What You Want to Do Least

Ever have trouble deciding what to do first each day, and why?

Setting priorities — a cornerstone of achievement — had always been a struggle for me until I came up with a new policy a few years ago.  Do First What You Want to Do Least.

The logic is simple: What we most dread doing is usually the thing we should do soonest.

What do you want to do least today? Apologize to your spouse? Write that report? Make an appointment for that colonoscopy? Well, do it first thing in the morning, and watch your productivity soar.

For example, some years ago it became obvious that I needed to start exercising regularly if I wanted to maintain my health. I pushed through the dread and started going to a gym, but that meant time-consuming daytime commutes, two showers on gym days — and spending money.

About a year later, I realized that exercise, as the most crucial foundation of health besides diet, was, quite literally, the most important thing for me to do each day. So I switched to a daily, at-home regimen, instead of three-times-a-week at the gym.

Now I exercise first thing each weekday morning, in the comfort of home, while watching the news. It costs nothing, no travel’s needed, and I take only one shower a day. And the habit’s so ingrained now that I no longer dread it — though I love taking weekends off from my regimen.

Being one of the world’s greatest procrastinators I find it way too easy to put off things I don’t like to do. A prime example is balancing my personal checking account. Sometimes the statements sit for a month or two awaiting my attention. When the do finally reach the point where they are starting to crumble with age I deal with them. It usually only takes me a short time to do the job and I find that their resulting absence provides pleasure. So I really relate to Clark’s suggestion. If I reconcile my statements as soon as I get them I’ll have the dual reward of the satisfaction that they won’t haunt me day after day and that I can move on almost immediately from an unpleasant task to a pleasant on in a manner of minutes. I am so excited about my discovery that I am going to open my statements soon, well as soon as I get this other stuff out of the way. Oh no, there I go again.

~~~

Putting off an easy thing makes it hard.  Putting off a hard thing makes it impossible.

George Claude Lorimer

~~~

"Twas the night before school started,

When all through the town,

The parents were cheering,

It was a riotous sound.

By eight p.m. the kids were washed,

And snugly tucked into bed,

When memories of homework

Filled them with dread.

New pencils, new folders,

New notebooks too,

New teachers, new friends,

Their anxiety grew.

The parents recited comforting words

To ease their children’s fright,

Then calmly instructed the tiny tots,

"Get back to bed now, it’s a school night!"

~~~

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."

Tom Clancy

~~~

Little Johnny came into the house with a new harmonica.

"Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Johnny. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?" "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

~~~

"Never trust your tongue when your heart is bitter."

Samuel J. Hurwitt

~~~

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tch, Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin’, sir."

"Fishin’, eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the 6th today, sir!"

~~~

"It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

Jerry Seinfeld

~~~

An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced…"It’s a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!"

~~~

Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things, in which smiles and kindness, and small obligations win and preserve the heart.

Humphrey Davy

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results.

Willie Nelson

I am enjoying my drop out week. I am not listening to the naysayers, opening hate mail, or being in places where arguments drown out reasoned discussion. Of course I know it is only one week and then I’ll again be in the mainstream. But this week again reminds me how important it is not to let negativism get to me. I have a friend whose career as a motivational speaker and life coach allows him to focus in on stamping out negativism. In fact many years ago he gave me a mug that had in its design the word negativism in a circle with a diagonal line through, it is one of my favorites and is a constant reminder to stay positive.

Some time ago I saved an article by Hale Dwoskin, author of the New York Times best seller "The Sedona Method," in which he suggests how we can avoid ever letting another negative person bring them down in our job, relationships or any aspect of life. Here is what he had to say:

An excellent resolution people can make — one that will serve them well emotionally for their entire life — is to not let others bring them down.

The negative person type is often characterized as those who complain about anything and everything, and have a knack for telling people exactly what’s wrong with them and their life.

People who exude negative energy such as this can be a major risk for other people’s well-being. If people are not careful, the negative individual’s pessimism may begin to rub off on them, or make them doubt their instincts or path in life.

At the most basic level, people can stop a negative person from bringing them down simply by not being around them. As soon as they start droning on about the bad things in life, they can just leave. Of course, this isn’t always an option, particularly if the negative person is someone they work with, live with or must see often. So a backup plan is necessary — one that will work every time, no matter what.

Positive people should make it a point to stay positive, and it is their right to stay that way. If someone begins to bring a person down, here’s how to circumvent it:

Step away from their negativity. One way to do this is to imagine taking a pair of scissors and cutting the cord linked to the negative person. Using this visualization technique, someone’s negative thoughts cannot interfere with another person’s positive ones.

People can also find something to love about the negative individual. Nothing squelches negativity faster than love, so they should find something positive about the individual, even in the midst of that individual’s complaining. When a person shares that positive something with the negative person, they may even see that negative person’s frown turned upside down.

Another tactic people can do is to make themselves open and transparent.

"Allow yourself to feel and be as transparent and as open as possible," says Hale Dwoskin, CEO and director of training of Sedona Training Associates. "What this means is if you are trying to protect yourself or prevent others from pulling you down, you are much more likely to be pulled down." "However, if you allow yourself to simply open and welcome whatever feelings are brought up while you are around others, you become more transparent and therefore create less ways for people to hook into you and pull you down," he continues. People need to remember that they can be positive no matter what.

~~~

“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours”

Swedish Proverb

~~~

A man ninety years old was asked to what he attributed his longevity. I reckon, he said, with a twinkle in his eye, it because most nights I went to bed and slept when I should have sat up and worried.

Dorothea Kent

~~~

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, "This is Mr. Magillicutty. I need you to bury my wife."

"Mr. Magillicutty? Sidney Magillicutty?"

"Yes, that’s right."

"Didn’t I bury your wife 10 years ago?" the undertaker asked.

"I got married again," the man sobbed.

"Oh," replied the undertaker. "Congratulations."

~~~

"Out of My Mind — Will Be Back Shortly"

~~~

Here are some actual comments made by NYC Teachers on student’s report cards. These comments were made as part of their final narratives.

All the Teachers were reprimanded, but they said it was worth it!

1. "Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow your student to breed."

3. "Your child has delusions of adequacy."

4. "Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

5. "Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

6. "The student has a "full six pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

7. "This child has been working with glue too much."

8. "When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell."

9. "The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is not coming."

10. "If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week."

11. "It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others."

~~~

"Growing Old Is Mandatory — Growing Up Is Optional"

~~~

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"

~~~

"It is better to ask some of the questions than to know all the answers."

James Thurber

~~~

An elderly man was driving down the freeway, and the car phone rings. Answering, he found it was his son’s voice urgently warning, "I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-285.  Please! Be careful!"

"Hey!" said the senior citizen, "It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!"

~~~

The school of agriculture’s dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.

"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

~~~

"Statistics Means Never Having to Say you’re Certain"

~~~

Barbara said, I returned to my parents’ home to attend a funeral. At the funeral my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar.  "Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?" she asked as she left me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He must be the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother’s funeral. "It’s good to see you again, Rabbi," I said. "Though I wish it weren’t always under such tragic circumstances.  "The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.

"Imagine," she whispered, "after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your wedding!"

~~~

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”

Mahatma Gandhi

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Mirth is like a flash of lightning, that breaks through a gloom of clouds, and glitters for a moment; cheerfulness keeps up a kind of daylight in the mind, and fills it with a steady and perpetual serenity.

Joseph Addison

One of the great things about my week away from negativism and the strident arguments going on these days is that it lets me spend time in the minds of others who offer suggestions on how we might find the path to some level of reasonable serenity. As an example here is an offering by Nancye Simms that I really like.

Don’t undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.

Don’t set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.

Don’t take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them life is meaningless.

Don’t let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future by living your life one day at a time.

Don’t give up when you still have something to give nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

Don’t be afraid to admit that you are less then perfect. It is a fragile thread that binds each of us to each other.

Don’t be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

Don’t shut love out of your life by saying it impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give love; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Don’t dismiss your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope; to be without hope is to be without purpose.

Don’t run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.

I honestly believe that following her advice can make a magical difference in ones life. Each entry should be read, thought about, understood and then implemented. In fact I am not sure that doing one a day and then doing some in depth thinking about how the suggestion applies to me and then building on what I discover would result in actions that would lead to an even greater degree of personal satisfaction. Do me a favor, stop and read what she says again this time slowly, it will be time well spent.

~~~

A great attitude does much more than turn on the lights in our worlds; it seems to magically connect us to all sorts of serendipitous opportunities that were somehow absent before the change.

Earl Nightingale

~~~

Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam’s best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide Sam’s earthly possessions, over a million dollars’ worth. In front of Sam’s family, Stu reads the will:

"Stu, if you’re reading this, then I must be dead. You’ve were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself." Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam’s instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam’s widow. The rest he is retaining for himself.

The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then *this*?!  It can’t be!" So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: "To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased."

Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam’s wishes quite clear: ‘Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!’  I wanted the lion’s share! What gives?"

The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family’s interest in mind, he didn’t say, "Give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.’  No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself."

~~~

Q: What do you instantly know when you see a well-dressed husband?

A: His wife is good at choosing his clothes.

~~~

Stan was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Stan answered.

"I’d like to talk to your mother or father," she said.

"Sorry, but they ain’t here."

"Stan!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?"

"Beats me," he replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had t’go bail her out again!"

~~~

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car or his wife is new.

~~~

Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?

You’re going out?

Yes.

With whom?

With a friend.

I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.

I didn’t leave him. He left me!

You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybody and nobody.

I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?

I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.

There are lots of things that you did and I don’t.

What are you hinting at?

Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.

You’re going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?

My EX husband. I don’t think he would be bothered.  From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!

So you’re going to sleep over at this loser’s place?

He’s not a loser.

A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.

I don’t want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?

Poor children with such a mother.

Such as what?

With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.

ENOUGH !!

Don’t scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!

Now you’re worried about the loser?

Ah, so you see he’s a loser. I spotted him immediately.

Goodbye, mother.

Wait! Don’t hang up! When are you bringing them over?

I’m not bringing them over! I’m not going out!

If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

~~~

For the man sound of body and serene of mind there is no such thing as bad weather;

every day has its beauty, and storms which whip the blood do but make it pulse more vigorously.

George Robert Gissing

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

I have decided that I am going to have a good week. No one is going to make me unhappy or get me angry. If you want to argue, wait for a week, if you want to share some joy let’s do it. There is too much to enjoy to let others or events take us down.

Ray Mitchell

Facebook

August 23, 2009

Yep I am going to focus on what is right. So:

• If I won the Irish Sweepstakes, have money in a secret account from an African banker, or some other such windfall, give it to somebody else.
• If you are planning on sending me hate mail, don’t, I find haters to be hateful and they can take me off their list.
• If you want to argue forget it, I don’t know what happened to reasoned debate but it seems to have gotten lost somewhere.
• If you want to tell me why you are unhappy and that you want me to be unhappy too don’t bother. I am not one who seems to only be satisfied when they are miserable and go out of their way prove they have every right to be.
• I don’t need to hear about all the people you blame for where you are today if you are perfect and faultless.
• I do want to hear about what’s right in your life.
• I would love to share in a moment that made you happy.
• I would love for you to join me in having a really good week. And for god’s sake don’t let anybody try to convince you that things are lousy and that the whole world has gone bad.

~~~

“One day at a time–this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”

Author Unknown

~~~

Two older women, Judy and Monica, who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said Monica, "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Judy.

"Of course, the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled Monica.

Judy responded, "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

~~~

"The thing you have to be prepared for is that other people don’t always dream your dream."

Linda Ronstadt

~~~

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y’allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are xamples excerpts from the Y’allbonics/English dictionary:

RETARD – (verb) – To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh."

RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats."

~~~

"I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes aren’t coming true."

Eric Presbrey

~~~

There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand– it being hot and him being thirsty– he decided to stop. once he got up to the little boy’s stand, he noticed a sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents", well, he thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to get some anyway. Well, he gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig. so he slapped it back onto the table and says, "fill ‘er up." and the kid says, "sure thing, that’ll be 10 cents."

To this the business man says, "but your sign says all you can drink for a dime." "It is," the little boy replies, "that’s all you can drink for a dime.

~~~

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

Colin Greene

~~~

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

4. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

5. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

~~~

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

~~~

"It’s no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."

"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears, boy."

"You see, sir? I’m no good at math, either!"

~~~

“When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"”

Sydney J. Harris

~~~

"Hello, help desk."

"Yes, this is Mrs. Duffy on the sixth floor. I want to report a violation of company policy."

"What seems to be the trouble, Mrs. Duffy?"

"I have found some of the computers in the office here are being used to look at orgies."

"We have filtering software on the network that prevents sites like that from being displayed."

"Well, I just sat down at one of the computers and clicked on the bookmarks."

"And there’s a list of pornographic sites?"

"I should say so. Quite a few."

"They should be blocked by the filter. Did you click on them?"

"I didn’t have to. They say dot O-R-G and I’ve been around long enough to know what that means."

~~~

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.

Mahatma Gandhi

~~~

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.  As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts.  The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints – this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating.  After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who’s 99."

~~~

We can throw stones, complain about them, stumble on them, climb over them, or build with them.

William Arthur Ward

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go.

Some people move our souls to dance.

They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.

Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.

They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same."

Flavia Weedn

As time goes by I find it more and more worthwhile to stop and inventory what is good in my life. Lately I have found that others do too, in fact a valued acquaintance told me the other day that the greatest antidote for depression caused by a bad day was to review the day and look for what was good while ignoring the bad. For me the good may only be that I kept breathing, was accident free, and didn’t hurt anybody but most days it is much more. On some of the best days it was a smile from someone brightened the day enough to banish any darkness that might have otherwise surfaced.

Lately I find that my inventory’s most prized possessions and experiences are my friendships. I have reason to be truly grateful for all of those who have allowed me be part of their lives. I thrill at their successes and grieve their losses. I appreciate the solace they offer when I encounter a glitch in my health or experience a loss. Through it all I have learned that they greatest human attribute is caring. It is so easy to focus only on ourselves and ignore the joy that can come from others if only we open our hearts.

Please don’t be afraid to care, sure there is pain every once in awhile but there is also shared joy. I have found that the interchange with friends enriches both the mind and the soul. I am fortunate that I have learned that everyone I meet is a potential friend and that most often they are ready to become one. I know I can live without my possessions but I would hate to think what life would be like without so many of you — my friends and family.

~~~

"When you ask God for a gift,

Be thankful if he sends,

Not diamonds, pearls or riches,

but the love of real true friends."

Helen Steiner Rice

~~~

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant’s kitchen. But one day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for ‘enjoyment of food’. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them.

The manager said, "You’re enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."

Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case.

The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"

Abraham didn’t say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I’m paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

~~~

There is one thing alone that stands the brunt of life throughout its course: a quiet conscience.

Euripedes

~~~

Mrs. Crumps was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn’t believe in capital punishment and didn’t want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.

But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

"Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It’s a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Crumps, "I’ll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."

~~~

Hope is like a road in the country;

there wasn’t ever a road,

but when many people walk on it,

the road comes into existence.

Lin Yutang

~~~

"University of Minnesota researchers said that the drug Naltrexone could be used to curb a kleptomaniac’s impulse to steal. Although the drug is not covered by most HMO’s, doctors say kleptomaniacs should have no problem obtaining it."

Tina Fey

~~~

"When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves."

William Arthur Ward

~~~

A psychiatrist was trying to comfort a new patient who was terribly upset. "You see, Doc," the patient explained, "my problem is that I like shoes much better than I like boots." "Why, that’s not even a problem," answered the doctor. "MOST people like shoes better than boots. Even I prefer shoes to boots." The patient was elated, "That’s neat, Doc. How do you like them, fried or scrambled?"

~~~

"As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say. I just watch what they do."

Andrew Carnegie

~~~

Uncle Rusty is a wise man. A while back he retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and quiet, puttering around his work shop.

That is of course until the school year began. On the first day of school three young boys, full of pent up energy from a full day of school, came down his street. As they walked down the street they beat rhythmically on every trash can they past. Day after day, it was the same thing. Beating, clanging and pounding out a rhythm on the cans as they walked down the street. Poor Uncle Rusty just couldn’t take it any more.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young musicians. As they worked their way down the street, pounding out a tune on the cans, Rusty stopped them and said, "You kids sure are having a lot of fun. I like seeing young people like you, express themselves. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang up job on the trash cans.

After two days, Uncle Rusty greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad _expression on his face. "This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The boys were not pleased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon concert. A couple of days later, Sly Uncle Rusty approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

With words that would ensure he would have peace and quiet from that day forward he said "Look, my Social Security check just isn’t stretching as far with the expenses. So I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents a day. Will that be okay?"

"What?! Just a crummy quarter?" the boys exclaimed. "If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

~~~

Remember that a little love goes a long way. 

Remember that a lot… goes forever. 

Remember that friendship is a wise investment. 

Life’s treasures are people… together. 

Realize that it’s never too late. 

Do ordinary things in an extraordinary way. 

Have health and hope and happiness. 

Take the time to wish upon a star.

And don’t ever forget… for even a day… 

How very special you are.

Douglas Pagels

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.