Ray's Daily

It’s up to you

Ray’s Daily

June 30, 2016

www.rays-daily.com

Life is short and it’s up to you to make it sweet.

Yesterday I suggested that one of the most important things for us to remember was that life goes on and it is up to us to go with it or it will pass us by. Sadly many folks let their troubles take them down and they never get back up only to regret that decision for the rest of their lives.

I know for many of us staying positive is easier said than done, but going on is always worth it. I like the following poem for it is a good reminder that our futures are up to us.

Life’s Tug Of War

Author Unknown

Life can seem ungrateful and not always kind.

Life can pull at your heartstrings and play with your mind.

Life can be blissful and happy and free.

Life can put beauty in the things that you see.

Life can place challenges right at your feet.

Life can make good of the hardships we meet.

Life can overwhelm you and make your head spin.

Life can reward those determined to win.

Life can be hurtful and not always fair.

Life can surround you with people who care.

Life clearly does offer its ups and its downs.

Life’s days can bring you both smiles and frowns.

Life teaches us to take the good with the bad.

Life is a mixture of happy and sad.

SO…

Take the life that you have and give it your best.

Think positive be happy let God do the rest.

Take the challenges that life has laid at your feet.

Take pride and be thankful for each one you meet.

To yourself give forgiveness if you stumble and fall.

Take each day that is dealt you and give it your all..

Take the love that you’re given and return it with care.

Have faith that when needed it will always be there.

Take time to find the beauty in the things that you see.

Take life’s simple pleasures let them set your heart free.

The idea here is simply to even the score.

As you are met and faced with Life’s Tug of War.

~~~

Every day we have plenty of opportunities to get angry, stressed or offended. But what you’re doing when you indulge these negative emotions is giving something outside yourself power over your happiness. You can choose to not let little things upset you.

Joel Osteen

~~~

Identifying Where A Driver Is From

* One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

* One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

* One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

* One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California.

* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

* Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

* One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

* Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia

* Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida

~~~

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

Whitney Brown

~~~

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

Steven Wright

~~~

Signs Your Church Minister Needs A Vacation:

His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are “alright, listen up you heathens…”

He falls asleep during his own sermon.

He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top

Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, “Why can’t they just leave me alone?!”

He announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon

You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, “Sounds like a personal problem to me.”

For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.

~~~

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

~~~

ALWAYS KEEP SEVERAL “GET WELL” CARDS ON YOUR MANTLE…..SO IF UNEXPECTED GUESTS ARRIVE, THEY WILL THINK YOU HAVE BEEN SICK AND UNABLE TO CLEAN YOUR HOUSE.

~~~

“If we don’t change direction soon, we’ll end up where we’re going.”

Professor Irwin Corey

~~~

A warning received from Ireland.

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives’ duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Irish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

~~~

Always say ‘yes’ to the present moment… Surrender to what is. Say ‘yes’ to life – and see how life starts suddenly to start working for you rather than against you.

Eckhart Tolle

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

 

Life goes on

Ray’s Daily

June 29, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

Live today, for tomorrow it will all be history.

Over the last couple of months my wife and I have lost our closest friend and our dearly appreciated brother-in-law. Their passing has left a vacuum in our lives leaving only our memories of our times together. In spite of it all life goes on and it is important that we do too.

You may know folks. as I do. who stop living at some point in their lives choosing to only exist. I have found that the secret is to keep finding ways to enjoy each day. True, there are certain things I no longer find as easy to do but there are many more things I have yet to do.

The bottom line is that I want to continue to be the person my departed friends and loved ones knew. So, I continue to look for the good things in each day and look forward to each one with optimism and gratitude.

If you think you need to add something to your life try these suggestions that I excerpted from the Life Optimizer blog.

Simple Ways to Enjoy Life

Do you want to live a happy life? If you say yes like most people do, then it’s important to learn to enjoy life. You can enjoy your life where you are with what you already have. You can enjoy your life now.

Here I will share with you how to enjoy life. But before that, I’d like to share two tips that are essential to live a happy life. The first one is to be grateful. No matter how many pleasant things you do, if you don’t learn to be grateful you will always see things negatively.

The second one is to slow down. Life has a lot of simple things you can enjoy. But if you move too fast you will overlook most of them.

With those two tips in mind, here are some ways to enjoy life. Pick the ones that work for you:

• Enjoy your meal. Don’t just eat. Taste it and appreciate its richness.

• Feel music and not just listen to it.

• Sing.

• Gather with old friends.

• Take a walk in the park.

• Read a novel.

• Find and watch a movie you like.

• Give yourself a lazy day.

• Have a candle-light dinner with your spouse.

• See beautiful pictures.

• Read inspiring quotes.

• Exercise with friends.

• Play with kids.

• Have a cup of coffee.

• Get a massage.

• Go to a theater.

• Take pictures.

• Browse your photo album for your treasured memories.

 

~~~

Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.

Marcus Aurelius

~~~

Becky: Do you love me with all your heart and soul?

Dave: Uh-huh!

Becky: Do you think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world?

Dave: Uh-huh!

Becky: Do you think my lips are like rose pedals?

Dave: Uh-huh!

Becky: Oh, you say the sweetest things!

~~~

Doug: “I’m a man of few words.”

Bill: “Yeah, I’m married, too.”

~~~

A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, “Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started.”

Mozart said, “The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with.”

The young man looked astonished. “But, Herr Mozart, you your- self wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I.”

“Ah,” said Mozart, “but I did so without asking advice.”

~~~

Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was surprised…

~~~

These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth.

The Jewish men are dumbfounded. “My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?” they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, “Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?”

The owner looks around and leans in so no one will hear and says, “Shhhh. He thinks we’re teaching him English.”

~~~

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

~~~

A man, exiting a grocery store, was very surprised when a rather good-looking and perky young lady greeted him cheerfully by saying, “Good evening!” Her face was beaming. At least she was smiling until he gave her that “Who are you?” look. He couldn’t remember ever having seen her before.

Then, she obviously realized that a mistake had been made and apologized. She explained, “Oh, I’m so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father of one of my children.” She walked on her way into the store.

The man was left staring dumbfounded after her. More than a bit puzzled, he thought to himself, “What is the world coming to, an attractive woman who doesn’t even keep track of what the father of her children look like.”

However, he was also a bit flattered that he might resemble one of her former suitors. But, also hoped that nobody overheard her saying that she mistook him for being the father of one of her children. A bit panicked, he then thought, “Could I possibly have forgotten a relationship?”

“Could it be that I really fathered a child?” Still stunned, he walked to his car.

He still did not realize, of course, that she was a fifth-grade teacher at a local elementary school

~~~

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

Good Bye Dear Friend

Ray’s Daily

June 28. 2017

www.rays-daily.com

Nothing will ever take away our memories. May your memories be ones that give you comfort and reminders of happier times.

Catherine Pulsifer

Yesterday I shared with you how important I think it is to acquire and sustain friendships. I honestly believe that good friends are the foundation for living a happy life. I also suggested how important I think it is that we let our friends know how much we appreciate them while we can,

My thoughts were reinforced when not long after I put together the Daily I learned that one of my oldest and dearest friends had passed away. He was my brother-in-law and close friend for more than a half a century. He and his late wife were with us during many good times and a few bad times. They lived in Florida while we lived in the north but we still remained close.

Our children grew up together and have remained close, The family vacations we shared were usually the highlights of our year. When my job kept me away from home for months at a time my wife packed up our kids and went to Florida to stay with her sister’s family.

In our later years we cruised together to many parts of the world. On our cruises, my brother-in-law participated in everything, He was gregarious and happy go lucky all his life. Times had not been easy for him since the passing of his dear wife a few years ago and now his struggles are over and he can rest,

Many years ago he had a job that required him to get up very early in the morning and when we would stay with his family he would say not long after dinner, “I will say goodnight now.” So my old friend let me say good night, rest well and thank you for providing my family and me fond memories that will last us forever.

Death is the heartache no one can heal,

Memories are keepsakes no one can steal.

Beautiful memories are all we have left,

Of the ones we loved and will never forget.

Softly the leaves of memory fall,

Gently we gather and cherish them all.

Planted deep in memory’s garden

And watered daily with tears,

Memory has a magical way

Of keeping loved ones near.

Author unknown,

~~~

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.

~~~

While I was tempted to skip today’s humor I realized that my brother-in-law would rather I did not so here we go again.

 There was this hunter who was proud of his retriever because the dog could walk on top of the lake water. No one believed it was true, however, so he invited a friend to witness the dog’s ability. They get into the hunter’s boat and head out on the lake. As the hunter shot a duck over the lake, the retriever jumped out of the boat, walked over the water, and brought the duck back. The friend observed this, but said nothing.

A little later on, the hunter shoots down a second duck, and just like the first time, the dog jumps out of the boat, walks on top of the water, and brings the duck back to the boat. The friend still doesn’t comment.

After he shoots down a third duck and the same performance is repeated by the retriever, the hunter becomes quite annoyed over his friend’s sillence. So he asks,

“Didn’t you notice anything when I shot down those ducks?”

His friend says, “Yeah. That fool dog of your’s can’t swim!”

~~~

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.

Rodney Dangerfield

~~~

On a NW Airways flight from Atlanta, GA. a middle-aged, well-off lady has found herself sitting next to a Jewish man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

“What seems to be the problem Madam?” asked the attendant.

“You’ve sat me next to a Jew!! I can’t possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!”

“Please calm down Madam.” the stewardess replied. “The flight is very full today, but I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class.”

The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).

A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin.

“Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I’ve spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class.”

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues…”It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person.”

With which, she turned to the Jewish man sitting next to her, and said: “So if you’d like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you…”

At this point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the Jewish man walks up to the front of the plane.

~~~

“It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them.”

Pierre Beaumarchais

~~~

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, “Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?” there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, “Put down yes.”

~~~

“Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?”

Steven Wright

~~~

“Farewell is said by the living, in life, every day. It is said with love and friendship, with the affirmation that the memories are lasting if the flesh is not.”

R.A. Salvatore,

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

 

Thanks

Ray’s Daily

June 27, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.

Donna Roberts

As I get older I hear more and more of the passing of old friends and acquaintances. I regret how I often I failed to let them know how much I appreciated their friendship when we were together. As I have aged I have learned how valuable the people in my life are to my wellbeing.

I know how lonely it must be for the folks who have something to say but have no one to say it to. Probably even more important are those who have love in their heart but have no one to share it with.

I believe that the closest thing to the fountain of youth is our pool of friends. It is a pool that needs to be regularly refreshed or it will empty. I am grateful to so many of you for allowing me to be your friend for I have found that there are few things in life more important.

I saved the following article some time ago to remind me of how important building friendships are to the quality of life.

Make New Friends

Need to know how to make new friends? Having trouble making new friends? Well these little bits of advice I got off a friendship card will certainly give you a few tips on making new friends. Keep these in mind as you go out and soon you will lots of new TRUE friends. Good Luck!

1. Don’t worry about knowing people, just make yourself worth knowing.
2. Be friendly with the folks you know. If it weren’t for them you would be a total stranger.
3. Friends are those who speak to you after others don’t.
4. The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.
5. The way to have friends is to be willing to lose some arguments.
6. Deal with other’s faults as gently as if they were your own.
7. A friend is a person who can step on your toes without messing your shine.
8. You will never have a friend if you must have one without faults.
9. You can make more friends by being interested in them than trying to have them be interested in you.
10. A real friend is a person who, when you’ve made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.
11. A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.
12. A friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.

… and most important… A FRIEND IS A TREASURE!

~~~

In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.

Albert Schweitzer

~~~

SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS

1. Kitchen closed – – this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!
3. I’m creative; you can’t expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service…If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day…. Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don’t like my standards of cooking … lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house … but please don’t write in it!
15. Apology … Although you’ll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always look like this: Some days it’s even worse.
16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
17. If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
22. Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out.
23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
24. My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.
25. Gardening forever . . . Housework, never!
26. Dull women have immaculate houses.

~~~

Q: What’s the Indian word for “lousy hunter”?

A: Vegetarian.

~~~

A child asks his mother, “Do all fairy tales begin with, ‘Once upon a time?'”

His mother answers, “No, dear. Once in a while they begin with ‘I’ll be working late at the office tonight.'”

“Does Daddy tell you fairy tales like that?”

“He used to.”

“What made him stop?”

“One day he told me he’d be working late, and I said, ‘Can I depend on that?'”

~~~

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.

Cynthia Nelms

~~~

How to install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s used work boots, a really big pair.

Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it, a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like “Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition – back in 1/2 an hr. Don’t disturb the pit bulls. They’ve just been wormed and they are a little edgy.”

~~~

There are more men than women in mental hospitals – which just goes to show who’s driving who crazy.

~~~

She said:

If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling and he EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup…… I want to be a bear!

~~~

If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself alone. A man should keep his friendships in constant repair.

Samuel Johnson

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

 

I do what I can

Ray’s Daily

June 26, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

“When you say “yes” to others, make sure you aren’t saying “no” to yourself.”

Paulo Coehlo

There are a lot of things I have found more difficult in my golden years. Driving with my failing eyesight is much more of a chore than it once was. Creaking bones and weaker muscles have slowed my ability to move from here to there. My periodic bodily repair needs has made my plans more tentative then they once were. I am sure there are more challenges but fortunately due to my failing memory I can’t remember what they are.

There is one thing though that bothers me more than anything else and that is the necessity to say no so often. Many opportunities for service to others are offered every week, almost all require more from me than I have left to offer. Events that I use to enjoy in the past now are difficult to attend so I have to send regrets. I have many other things I can do and there are many people I enjoy visiting with but I have difficulty with the need to say no so often.

I even have considered resigning from organizations that I have worked with for years only to be stopped by folks who have asked me to stay. So life goes on and I continue ignore the guilt feelings of having to say no so often.

Here is an excerpt from How to Stop Being a People Pleaser written by Henrik Edberg that offers tips to people like me, I thought they may be of interest to you as well.

Learn how to say no.

When you like to please then it’s of course hard to say no. But it is vital for you own happiness, stress-levels and for living the life you truly want.

Here are 5 things that have made it easier for me to say no more often:

◾Disarm and state your need. It’s easier for people to accept your no if you disarm them first. Do that by, for instance, saying that you’re flattered or that you appreciate the kind offer. Then add that you, for example, simply don’t have the time for doing what they want.

◾If they’re pushy, add how you feel. Say that you don’t feel that this offer is a good fit for your life right now. Or that you feel overwhelmed and very busy and so you cannot do whatever they want. Telling someone how you honestly feel can help them to understand your side of the issue better. And it’s also a lot harder to argue with how you feel rather than what you think.

◾Help out a bit. If possible, finish your reply with recommending someone that you think could help out or would be a better fit for what they need. I do this quite often when I feel I lack the knowledge or experience that a reader or a friend is looking for.

◾Remind yourself why it is important to sometimes say no: You teach people by how you behave. They learn about you and your boundaries from your behavior. So if you stand up for yourself and say no and are assertive about what you don’t want then people will start to pick up on that. And over time you’ll encounter fewer and fewer situations where someone tries to be pushy or steamroll you.

◾It’s OK to feel a bit guilty about saying no (but you don’t have to act on it). Just feel it and be with that feeling for a while. But at the same time know that it doesn’t mean that you have to act on it and say yes or do what they want you to do.

 Keep your focus on what YOU want out of your life.

If you know what’s most important to you and you keep your focus on that each day then you’ll naturally start to say no and stop being so people pleasing. Because now your energy and time is mostly focused on your needs and wants.

~~~

Very successful people say no to almost everything.

Warren Buffett

~~~

“Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir,” urged the

street vendor.

“I haven’t got a wife,” replied the young man.

“Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart.”

“I don’t have a sweetheart, either.”

“Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck.”

~~~

Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad.

Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.

Will Smith

~~~

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against … get this … fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued… and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.”

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested … on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year terms!

~~~

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld

~~~

A Jewish man was in St. Vincent’s Hospital recovering from an emergency operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing. The man and nun started talking and the nun asked about the man’s life. The man talked about his wife and 13 children.

“My, my,” said the nun, “13 children . . . You’re a good, proper Catholic family man. God is very proud of you!”

“I’m sorry, Sister,” the man said, “I am not Catholic. I’m Jewish.”

“Jewish!?” she replies and immediately gets up to leave.

“Sister, why are you leaving?”

“I didn’t realize I was talking to a sex maniac!”

~~~

Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.

~~~

“Well, I reckon you’ve been a pretty good horse,” said the farmer.

“You work hard and I ain’t had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster. But all in all? I’d say you’re one fine horse and any farmer worth his salt would be proud to own you!”

“NO!” said the horse, “I said, ‘feedBAG’ not,’feedBACK’.”

~~~

“You just have to do your own thing, no matter what anyone says. It’s your life.”

Ethan Embry

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

Get a good start

Ray’s Daily

June 23, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

This is a wonderful day, I have never seen this one before.

Maya Angelou

Yesterday I shared with you an article on how happy people start their day. Today I thought it would be a good idea to share an article on how you can have a healthy start to the day. For ever since I can remember the morning has been my most productive part of my day and I think it is because of how it starts.

Too many of us fail to invest in our own wellbeing. Trust me getting a great start to your day is worth doing.

5 Health Mistakes You’re Making Before 9 a.m.

by Kim Hayes, AARP

Before Getting Out of Bed

Mistake 1: Rushing to rise

While some of us want to jump up and attack the day full throttle, a more leisurely approach may be better for your body. By getting out of bed immediately you could strain your back muscles, which have been resting in one place all night, Before rising bring your knees (one at a time) to your chest to warm up the muscles and get your blood flowing.

Mistake 2: Grabbing your cellphone

When you roll over and grab your cellphone first thing in the morning, you may be adding to your stress levels by reminding yourself of deadlines and unanswered emails before you have even stepped out of bed. “When we wake up in the morning and turn our phone over to see a list of notifications — it frames the experience of ‘waking up in the morning’ around a menu of ‘all the things I’ve missed since yesterday,'”

During Your Morning Routine

Mistake 3: Staying in the dark

It can be tempting to leave the blinds drawn and keep your cozy nighttime cocoon for as long as possible. But researchers at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine found in a 2014 study that early morning natural light exposure is associated with lower body fat. This is possibly due to a reset of our body’s circadian rhythm, which could boost metabolism. A quick walk outdoors is ideal, but if you’re pressed for time, at least open your shades to stream in the morning sun.

Mistake 4: Skipping a glass of water

You’ve been sleeping all night and your body may have become dehydrated, so it is important to refuel with a serving of water first thing. Staying hydrated also helps to aid digestion and metabolism.

Before Leaving the House

Mistake 5: Skipping breakfast

Consuming more calories earlier in the day may reduce the odds of a heart attack, stroke or other circulatory system problems, according to the American Heart Association. And don’t forget to include proteins with every meal, including breakfast, as they are linked to having less body fat and other health benefits. Greek yogurt, cottage cheese and hard-boiled eggs are all good sources of breakfast protein.

~~~

Good morning is not just a word, its an action and a belief to live the entire day well. Morning is the time when you set the tone for the rest of the day. Set it right!

Fain Blake

~~~

She said: My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home.

The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear. When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug. “It’s okay, Mom,” she said. “The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again.”

~~~

My mind is a garden. My thoughts are the seeds. harvest will be either flower or weeds.

Mel Weldon

~~~

He said: I moved from Southern California up to a rural area of the Pacific Northwest recently. While the scenery up here is beautiful, the women-folk do leave a little to be desired in the areas of vanity and appeal. I won’t be the one to say they’re NOT attractive, but they held a beauty-pageant here last summer… and nobody won.

~~~

I live in my own little world. But it’s OK. They know me here.

~~~

No matter which girls he brought home, the young man found disapproval from his mother. A friend gave him advice. “Find a girl just like your mother — then, she’s bound to like her.” So the young man searched and searched, and finally found the girl. He told his friendly adviser:

“Just like you said, I found a girl who looked, talked, dressed, and even cooked like my mother; and just as you said, my mother liked her”.

“So,” asked the friend, “what happened?”

“Nothing,” said the young man. “My father hates her.”

~~~

When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.

Marcus Aurelius

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

 

A great day ahead

Ray’s Daily

June 22, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

Good morning world! have a great day ahead. Remember, appreciate more, criticize less!

Well I am back. My mammogram yesterday was sure a new experience. Every time the docs have me do a new test I always figure there just can’t be any more. The fact that I might need a mammogram never entered my mind. I expected that I would be the only male there but I was wrong, it turns out while we are not as much at risk as females it is important that we too do periodic breast exams for lumps.

The exam was easy and the radiologist did a quick review which was followed by a consult with a doctor who looked younger than my granddaughters. I learned that I suffer from Gynecomastia in both breasts. Of course I had no idea what the hell that was but learned that it is not unusual in old guys and requires no biopsy or surgery. It could be the result of hormone unbalance due to my multitude of medications. So, it is good news and I can continue to go braless.

So my friends I begin a new day and it will be a good one. I hope you will have one too. Here are some excerpts from an article by Marc Chernoff if you need help.

Ways Happy People Start Their Mornings

 A calm awakening.

In the space between the edge of the night and the chaos of the day, you have a chance to make a special space for yourself. In this space, thoughts and contentment neatly overlap, where past and future issues cease to exist, and time touches eternity. Hovering about your mind, as you gently begin to stir, there are beautiful visions no one has ever seen and soothing harmonies no one has ever heard.

Meditate on the goodness.

Begin each day with love, grace, and gratitude. When you arise in the morning, think of what a great privilege it is to be alive – to be, to see, to hear, to think, to love, to have something to look forward to. Happiness is a big part of these little parts of your life; joy is simply the feeling of appreciating it.

Realize that it’s not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy. Make a habit of noticing the goodness that’s already yours and you will see more of it every time you look for it. (Read The Happiness Project.)

Let go to begin anew.

Don’t hold yourself hostage for the things that didn’t work out yesterday. Don’t let your history interfere with your purpose today. Let yesterday go. Every morning is the start of a new day with no mistakes, just possibilities.

Be right where you are.

Live now. Not before. Not later. Just NOW – in the moment you’re in. Inhabit your morning completely. Don’t rent it out to the past or the future.

Don’t be so worried about what’s ahead of you and behind you that you never enjoy where you are. Start your morning off right by paying full attention to it.

Follow a relaxing morning routine.

For truly relaxing mornings, reduce the number of decisions you must make. There are two simple ways to do this: First, make your big morning decisions the night before: what to eat for breakfast, what clothes to wear, what you need to take to work, etc. Second, build a simple routine for as much of your daily morning tasks as possible.

Move on to what’s most important.

Participate in your dreams today. Your potential is limitless. Put first things first and take action on an important task that’s been lingering.

Success is not something you have; it’s something you DO. It’s something you experience when you wake up and act accordingly. Be a self-starter. Let your first hour set the theme of proactivity and success that is certain to echo through your entire day. Today will never happen again. Don’t waste it with a false start or no real start at all.

~~~

If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one.

Cavett Robert

~~~

A father was shopping in a department store with his small daughter, when the little girl pulls on his coat sleeve and announces,

“Daddy, I have to go!”

“In a few minutes, sweetie.” says the dad.

“But, I’ve got to go NOW,” the little girl insists in a loud voice.

A saleslady standing nearby can’t help but hear the conversation and says,

“I’ll take her, sir. It’s no problem.”

So, as the father watches, the two hurry off hand in hand. When they return the father asks his daughter,

“Did you thank the nice lady for being so kind?”

“Why should I thank her?” asks the little girl in a loud voice. “She had to go, too!”

~~~

I CALLED THE “INCONTINENCE HOTLINE”

THEY ASKED, “CAN YOU HOLD, PLEASE?”

~~~

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!”

The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look like?”

The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other.”

~~~

L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.

Bill Maher

~~~

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.”

“My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?”

And the guy goes: “I’m telling everybody!”

~~~

Living a great life and sharing that life with others is the noble way to live.

Jonathan Lockwood Huie

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

Let’s Go

Ray’s Daily

June 21, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

“Let your mind start a journey thru a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be…Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar, and you’ll live as you’ve never lived before.”

Erich Fromm

I have a busy day ahead. This morning I am off to the Women’s Breast Center for a mammogram, yep I said I am getting a mammogram. Last Friday they found a lump on my breast that needs to be looked at. The good news is that I don’t have to wear a dress. In order to have time to prepare I am sending you one of the past Dailies.

 

Ray’s Daily first published on June 21, 2005

I have learned that you can’t go unless you leave. There is so much for us yet to see and do, but we must let some of the past go if we are to live well in the future. It is not just breaking out of the box that is created by our safe harbors, it also breaking out of the box created by our thoughts and our memories. It is never easy to leave a job and turn it over to someone else without looking back, we did what we did and it is time others took over and without our dwelling on how well they do it. I know it has been hard for me not to critique others serving on boards and committees where I once served. All that does is anchors us to a past that we can’t revisit.

Most of us can pick a moment in time and think backwards and see ourselves as we were then, we can then look forward from that moment and see what we became. Each new day is one of those moments in time; we can stop, stagnate, and maintain the status quo or we can say a fond farewell to yesterday as we move into tomorrow. It is almost as hard as finally understanding that your children are now adults and they need to be free to make their own mistakes and earn their own successes. We just need to free ourselves in the same way. The chains that bind are those we have placed on ourselves and we are the only ones that can set ourselves free.

So I will keep traveling and if we pass each other along the way I hope we will be able to spend a little time together. If we journey together for a bit, hand in hand, we will have the good fortune of sharing the discoveries that lay ahead for us both.

~~~

“Success is not a place at which one arrives but rather the spirit with which one undertakes and continues the journey.”

Alex Noble

~~~

“Why God made moms” answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions.

Why did God make mothers?

1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?

1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?

1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?

1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

~~~

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Dorothy Parker

~~~

After watching his mother change the diaper on his newborn sister, a three year old boy voices his concern that she seems to be missing some parts. So in terms the mother thought he would understand, she explains to her son the difference between boys and girls. Then to make sure he understood what she said, she asks him, “Okay son, now what do you have that your new baby sister doesn’t?”

Smiling broadly, the boy proudly says, “Teeth!”

~~~

Those who want much, are always much in need.

Horace

~~~

A friend and I were shopping for dresses for her three-year-old girls to wear to a wedding. In the store, another girl staring intently at Sarah and Becky asked, “Are those girls twins?”

“Actually they’re triplets,” I explained. “They have a brother at home.”

“Wow,” she replied. “They sure look like twins to me.”

~~~

We were driving our three-year-old son to his Grandma’s home when we stopped at a store. Once inside, our son decided he wanted one of those large gumballs. I told him he couldn’t have one, and he began to pout. I leaned over to him and said, “This is a fact of life: You don’t always get everything you want.”

“I know,” he replied. “Just don’t tell Gramma.”

~~~

On the bottom of an office memo: “If you have any questions, please read again.”

~~~

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars that were all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got caught and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman asked the man.

“Ummm, yeah…,” the driver replied.

The officer grinned and said, “Ever catch all the fish?”

~~~

Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker.

Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end.

Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.

Denis Waitley

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

Don’t miss the parade

Ray’s Daily

June 20, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.

Confucius

If you are like I am you have spent much of your life so concentrated on your work and self-imposed obligations that you missed much of the passing parade. It is a shame when potential friends walk by and we don’t see them. When we so distracted that wonderful stories are left unread, great plays left unseen and sadly smiles of little children are unnoticed.

While we may not always realize it we are the artists that create the lives we live. I hope we don’t spend so much time sketching in the foreground that we overlook the beauty that exists in the background.

Here is a sad tale of boy that spent his life missing the pleasure that was always there for him but always left unseen.

Finding Copper Pennies

Author Unknown

There was a small boy who when walking down the street one day found a bright copper penny. He was so excited that he found money and it didn’t cost him anything. This experience led him to spend the rest of his days walking with his head down, eyes wide open, looking for treasure.

During his lifetime he found 296 pennies, 48 nickels, 19 dimes, 16 quarters, 2 half dollars and one crinkled dollar bill. For a total of $13.96.

He got money for nothing. Except that he missed the breathless beauty of 31,369 sunsets, the colorful splendor of 157 rainbows, the fiery beauty of hundreds of maples nipped by autumn’s frost. He never saw white clouds drifting across blue skies, shifting into various wondrous formations. Birds flying, sun shining, and the smiles of a thousand passing people are not a part of his memory.

Who do you know that is living like this?: Head is bent down burdened with trivial things afraid of pain and criticism and fear of things that never happen hoping to find that copper penny…for nothing.

~~~

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.

Marianne Williamson

~~~

The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.

Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.

The children took the news of Danny’s imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, “He’s been around here a long time–we’ll miss him.”

“Yes,” Mom replied, “But he’s too much work for one person, and since I’m that one person, I say he goes.”

Another child offered, “Well, maybe if he wouldn’t eat so much and wouldn’t be so messy, we could keep him.”

But Mom was firm. “It’s time to take Danny to his new home now,” she insisted. “Go and get his cage.”

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, “Danny? We thought you said Daddy!”

~~~

You’ve got to spend money to lose money.

~~~

Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work. For the past year a pretty woman standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up. Jake was a good husband and family man and didn’t want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the woman was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind.

After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 45 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife.

“What should I do?” asked Jake.

The psychiatrist said: “Take Melrose Avenue.”

~~~

I don’t understand the uproar over gas prices,

I just put $10 worth into my car and it didn’t cost any more than it usually does.

~~~

A Chicano widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

“Honey!” he cried. “Is that you?”

“Yes, my husband.”

“Are you happy?”

“Yes, my husband.”

“Happier than you were with me?”

“Yes, my husband.”

“Then Heaven must be an amazing place!”

“It is! Trust me, it is!”

“I do have one question for you, my snookums.”

“Yes, my love, what is it?”

“When did you learn to speak English so perfectly!?”

~~~

If you like gambling, the worst thing you can do is bring your spouse with you to the casino.

If you lose, they get mad. If you win, they want half!

~~~

Wife: And another thing I want to tell you. I’ve noticed every time you talk, you say my house,

my automobile, my chair, my shoes; everything’s yours. You never say ours. I’m your partner. I’m your wife. It should be ours.

The husband paid no attention to his wife and just kept looking around the room for something.

Wife: What are you looking for?

Husband: Our pants!

~~~

When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.

Lee Ann Womack

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

 

What’s Ahead?

Ray’s Daily

June 19, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

“I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.”

William Allen White

Last week I wondered if many of our lives are lackluster because we just live the same day over and over again. I think if we just go walking the same path every day we would benefit by rethinking how we spend our time. In the following article the author asks the question, “What do you want your days to look like?”

I find the question helps me look at the days ahead in a slightly different manner. What I like is that I don’t have to envision lofty behavior but I can look at how I might make my days more interesting.

What your days look like

Austin Kleon

When my dad brought home girlfriends, my grandpa, rather obnoxiously, would quiz them from his arm chair. I’m told the first question was usually, “So, what’s your philosophy of life?” (I’m not sure what my mother answered.)

I was thinking of my grandpa last week when I was asked a similarly baffling and broad question during an interview: “What is your definition of success?” I hemmed and hawed a bit, until I finally said, “I suppose success is your days looking the way you want them to look.” Sounded okay, but after I said it, I wondered what the hell it meant.

“What do you want your days to look like?” is a question I ask myself whenever I’m trying to make a decision about what to do next. In fact, I believe that most questions about what to do with one’s life can be replaced by this question.

What career should I choose? Should I go back to school? Where should I live? Should I get married? Should I have kids? Should I get a dog? Should I take up the piano?

“What do you want your days to look like?” forces you to imagine the day in, day out realities that making such choices will present you with.

Albert Camus once told a reporter, “One has to pass the time somehow.” And how you pass the time, what your days look like, well, as Annie Dillard wrote, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”

Maybe success is just a matter of how the reality of the days match up to the ones in your imagination. That’s not to say my ambitions these days are all that lofty. In 1851, Nathaniel Hawthorne, after spending the day with his five-year-old son, wrote in his journal, “We got rid of the day as well as we could.”

Whether that’s aiming too low or not, it sounds like success to me.

~~~

“Try and fail, but don’t fail to try.”

Stephen Kaggwa

~~~

The Universal Laws of Computing

For every function, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

To err is human… to blame your computer for your mistakes is downright natural.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

~~~

Success is getting up one more time.

~~~

She said: Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time.

“Nonsense,” I said. “Men are good for only one thing!”

“Yes,” my mother interjected, “but how often do you have to parallel park?”

~~~

A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.

Hugh Downs

~~~

Jackie was attending her High School reunion and was having a blast. As the evening was drawing to a close, the master of ceremonies for the night proceeded to hand out bottles of champagne to the graduates who had traveled the farthest distance to attend the reunion, the graduate who had been married the longest time, the graduate who had become the most successful, etc. And Jackie wondered if she was going to get a prize too. Sure enough, the master of ceremonies called out her name. “Jackie, you win with 11 kids.” and then, trying to be clever, he added in “And champagne is only half the prize. The other half is a giant, economy size bottle of aspirin.”

“Don’t bother with the aspirin,” Jackie replied. “It’s obvious with these many kids that I’ve never had a headache.”

~~~

Everyone says looks don’t matter. Age doesn’t matter. Money doesn’t matter, but I’ve never met a woman yet who has fallen in love with an old, ugly man who is broke.

~~~

A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue – including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

“No,” I confessed.

“Then that explains,” she said, “why you didn’t bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train.”

~~~

9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.

~~~

A salesman approached a home on a nice quiet street and said to the young boy playing on the sidewalk, “Is your mother home?”

The young boy said, “Yup.”

The salesman knocked on the door a dozen times without evoking a response.

Turning to the boy, he said, “I thought your mother was home.”

The young boy said, “She is. I live down the block!”

~~~

Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tries, and a touch that never hurts.

Charles Dickens

~~~

A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole son?”

The young man says, “An eight iron, father. How about you?”

The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.”

~~~

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”

Abraham Lincoln

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

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