Ray's musings and humor

Archive for May, 2015

Most of us are better off than we think we are

“It is impossible to feel grateful and depressed in the same moment.”

Naomi Williams

 ! 000000 be grateful

Do you ever get down in the dumps? I do, but fortunately not for long. When my health is interrupted by maladies I start to feel discouraged. It also happens when I find I am unable to participate in some of the volunteer opportunities I am offered and when I have to turn down requests to assist via board or leadership memberships because of my periodic need to stop and recover my energy.

But you know what? My despondencies don’t linger. I only have to pause long enough to recognize how much better I have it than so many others. I have friends with severe illnesses, I often learn of folks with no place to live and I have met seniors who have difficulty getting the food and medicine they need just to survive. It does not take long for my appreciation for what I do have to force out the concerns for my minor trials and tribulations.

Here are some thoughts I got from an Order of Franciscan Sisters that I find to be excellent therapy when things look a little bleak:

BE THANKFUL

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations, because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary, because it means you’ve made a difference.

It’s easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

Appreciating Our Past

It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving. The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons.

Some of us have emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want. Our mistakes? Necessary. Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary too. Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we need to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed. Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth.

A Lesson in Life

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, if they be events, illnesses or relationships, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.

If someone hurts you, betrays you , or breaks you heart, forgive them. For they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to who you open your heart to. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again.

~~~

“Gratitude doesn’t change the scenery. It merely washes clean the glass you look through so you can clearly see the colors.”

Richelle E. Goodrich

~~~

Mr. and Mrs. Shoenfeld were asleep in their beds late one night, when Mrs. Shoenfeld heard a noise downstairs. “Wake up!” cried Mrs. Shoenfeld, nudging her husband.  “There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the pot roast I made tonight!”

“What do we care,” said Mr. Shoenfeld.  “As long as they don’t die in the house!”

~~~

Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.

Daniel Francois Esprit Auber

~~~

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”

~~~

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

Wendy Liebman

~~~

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as “guinea pigs” in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay “wounded” for several hours.

When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: “Have bled to death and gone home.”

~~~

“A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over; nobody’s home.’  I went over. Nobody was home.”

Rodney Dangerfield

~~~

A little boy, who was “very” much afraid of the dark, was told by his mother to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.” The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there

He’ll look after you and protect you.” The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?” “Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?

~~~

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have—life itself.”

Walter Anderson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

Advertisements

He lives on the bright side

You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.

Joyce Meyer

 ! 000000 Stay-Positive (2)

I was at an open house the other day talking to a priest who knows my grandson who just graduated from high school. My friend, the priest, has known my grandson for all the time he has been in high school. As he shared his observations he reported that the things he liked most about my grandson was his willingness to tackle almost any task without reservation and he always did it with a positive attitude. It was a story I often heard from others as they commented on his role as an athlete, on his volunteer work for others as well as on his concern for those he knows.

Of course I was pleased with what I heard and could not agree more. He is a prime example of the value of a positive attitude and a friendly demeanor. I look forward to observing the years ahead and I hope he never loses the verve he brings to whatever he does.

I just received an article that included these thoughts offered by Marc Chernoff, many of which exemplify my grandson’s view of life.

  • If the grass looks greener on the other side… Stop staring.  Stop comparing.  Stop complaining and start watering the grass you’re standing on.
  • Satisfaction is not always the fulfillment of what you want; it is the realization of how blessed you are for what you have.
  • For everything you’ve lost, you’ve gained something else. Appreciate what you have today.  Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful.
  • You cannot expect victory while planning for defeat.
  • Use your struggles and frustrations today to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.
  • The true measure of your success is how many times you can bounce back from failure.
  • Head up, heart open. To better days approaching!
  • Be careful about who you give the microphone and stage to in your life. Don’t just listen to the loudest voice.  Listen to the truest one.
  • Never surrender your hopes and dreams to the tragic limitations others have placed on their own lives.
  • Don’t sit around. Start moving!  In the beginning you may not go in the direction you dream, but as long as you’re moving, you’re creating possibilities.
  • You have to accept whatever comes your way, and the only important thing is that you meet it with the best you have to give. Nothing more, nothing less.
  • The person who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.

~~~

I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful.

Elizabeth Edwards

~~~

Did you ever stop to think about the word UP? There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is “UP.” It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, lights brighten UP a room, we polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn’t rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so…… I’ll shut UP!

~~~

The most frustrating thing about getting older is that every time you see an expensive antique, you remember one just like it you once threw away.

~~~

“I just hope it’s not Alzheimers,” confessed the older gentleman to his doctor. “Maybe there’s some kind of memory medicine you can give me. See, I’m getting terribly forgetful; I lose track of where I’m going or what I’m supposed to do when I get there. What should I do?” he asked glumly.

“Pay me in advance,” the doctor promptly suggested.

~~~

Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.

~~~

A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along. “They’re all fine,” Moshe said, “Except my uncle. He’s very sick.”

“Your uncle is not sick,” the faith healer said. “He THINKS he’s sick.”

Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street. “How is your uncle getting along?” he asked.

Moshe shrugged, “He THINKS he’s dead.”

~~~

Illiterate? Write For Help.

~~~

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Do you have to tell it all?

Where do you get the glaring light

To make my clothes look just too tight?

I think I’m fine but I can see

you will not cooperate with me;

The way you let the shadows play

You’d think my hair was getting grey.

What’s that, you say? A double chin?

No, that’s the way the light comes in;

If you persist in peering so

You’ll confiscate my facial glow,

And then if you’re not hanging straight

You’ll tell me next I’m gaining weight.

I’m really quite upset with you

for giving this distorted view;

I hate what’s happened to my thighs.

I warn you now, O mirrored wall,

Since we’re not on speaking terms at all,

If I look like this in my new jeans

You’ll find yourself in smithereens !!

~~~

“Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.”

Marcus Aurelius

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

Let’s do it today

Procrastination makes easy things hard, hard things harder.

Mason Cooley

! 000000 don't Wait

I am writing to you this morning from a desk loaded with accumulated things I should get at. Yep, it is true; I am a world class procrastinator with a myriad of interests that result in my collecting articles, magazines and the like to help satisfy my quest to learn more than I already know. That would be good news if I did more than just build piles that age as time flies by.

In my former life I always had work partners that would require me to do a stack attack and eliminate the clutter allowing me to triage what I had into piles titled important, not so important and why in the world did I ever keep this. Their help allowed me to productively focus on what had value while not getting bogged down in junk overload.

These days just the size of the backlog is daunting enough to help me rationalize waiting to clear the decks until that elusive tomorrow that seems to seldom arrive. So in the meantime I am going to hire an imaginary dominant partner that will demand I do what needs to be done. Until I get that done I am revisiting some thoughts offered by Marc Chernoff to hopefully motivate me not to wait too long. Here is what he said:

The Art of Making Life Easier!

Let’s take a closer look at three of the most common ways people use expectations to make life harder than it has to be:

You procrastinate to avoid your expectation of problems.

Let’s say you’ve been putting off a big project at work because you’re dreading doing it.  Maybe it’s difficult and you feel overwhelmed.  It’s a lot of hard work, and you are expecting to have to do lots of things you’re perhaps not good at, expecting mistakes, failure and lots of headaches.  But in reality you’re the one giving yourself a headache.  Realize this and let go of your expectations.  This means you don’t know how this project will go… you go into it with an open mind.  You give it a try and see how it goes.  And you learn from the experience no matter how it goes.

Honestly, you cannot find peace by avoiding life.  Life spins and requires us to spin with it; so instead of avoiding what must be done, take every task and experience as a challenge for growth.  Either it will give you what you want or it will teach you what the next step is.

You give up too soon when you realize things aren’t as easy as you expected.

The best things in life don’t always come easy.  Some level of difficulty is necessary.  Avoiding this truth just makes the hard things harder.  Deep down you know this is true, and yet you’ve entered a new endeavor with the expectation that it will be amazing and you’ll do it with ease.  And when it’s inevitably harder than you thought it would be, and you’re less successful at it than you expected, you’re disappointed and discouraged.  So you lose motivation and give up.

There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.  Reality always rears its head in the end.  And the truth about how ordinary people achieve immense happiness and incredible feats of success is that they step out of their comfort zones and do the hard things that their more educated, affluent and qualified counterparts don’t have the courage, drive or determination to do.

People hurt you because they don’t behave the way you expected.

It’s time to put aside this expectation that people will live up to your ideals… and just be open to them.  They will behave imperfectly, just as you will.  Of course, accepting people as they are doesn’t mean you do nothing… you can let go of the irritation, and see how they’re having difficulty, and use it as a teaching opportunity, or an opportunity to help them, or to take the next logical step… with no expectation that they’ll love your lesson or follow it, but just with the intention of helping someone and being proactive.

~~~

Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday.

Napoleon Hill

~~~

Whenever I travel by plane someone always says, “Have a safe trip.” Since when does a safe plane flight become my responsibility?  I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to do! Go kick the tires, drug test the pilot, what? I feel I’m doing my part by not going up to the cockpit every five minutes and asking, “Are we there yet?”

~~~

Murphy’s Technology Law #3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

~~~

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks, “You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?”

The old man replies, “I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.”

The journalist is amazed. “How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?” she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. “Like I’m talking to a wall.”

~~~

A frustrated wife told me the other day her definition of retirement: “Twice as much husband on half as much pay.”

~~~

A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card.

The clerk replied, “We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?”

The man said, “You don’t understand. I need a card that covers BOTH events! You see, we’re celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife’s thirty-fourth birthday…”

~~~

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

~~~

As the storm raged, the sea captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”

One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.”

“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short.”

~~~

Confusion not only reigns, it pours.

~~~

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children as they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she came around to one little girl,who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The little girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

~~~

“The really happy people are those who have broken the chains of procrastination, those who find satisfaction in doing the job at hand. They’re full of eagerness, zest, productivity. You can be, too.”

Norman Vincent Peale

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

Stop for a bit and enjoy the day

The beautiful spring came; and when Nature resumes her loveliness, the human soul is apt to revive also.

Harriet Ann Jacobs

 ! 000000 may

Here we go again another week, a short one this time since yesterday was a national holiday here in the USA. My city hosted the 99th running of the Indianapolis 500 mile auto race on Sunday that was attended by hundreds of thousands of fans. Most of the folks have packed up and left the city by now after having enjoyed good weather while here. Now a huge crew has worked to clean up the tons of trash left behind by the race fans.

I attended an open house celebrating the graduation of my youngest grandson from high school on Friday night and then laid around most of the rest of the long weekend. This morning I am off to the gym and then to my Dentist where I will learn what the major work that needs to be done will entail.

While I am still on the upward trek to more energy and activity I do plan on taking some advantage of spring fever over the days ahead, it is just too nice outside these days to just run from here to there without stopping to enjoy the scenery and people in their spring outfits.

If it is spring in your part of the world you might enjoy doing the following that were offered on the Positively Present Blog:

  • Take a long walk. It’s just enough this time of year to get out of the house and enjoy the breeze and the sunshine.
  • Set up a picnic. What’s better than eating outdoors with the sun beating down and warming you? I can’t think of much else that would fill me with joy the way that would. Grab a basket and a blanket and hit the park to take it all in.
  • Open your windows. It was wonderful to hear the birds chirping so cheerfully, calling out to one another.
  • Snap photos of the season. You can always capture a great moment — and a great season — by bringing your camera out. Taking photos not only helps you to remember the sun-streaked memories of spring, but it also helps you to be more present. When you’re taking pictures, you’re looking at everything with a new perspective, which will help you stay focused on enjoying the spring moments.
  • Sit outside at a restaurant. Around here, restaurants are beginning to set up their outdoor gear. If that’s happening near you, take advantage of that! It’s not all year that you can sit outside (at least not where I live) so it’s really great when it’s once again an option to dine al fresco.
  • Buy (or bring out) a fun, new outfit. Now I know purchasing things isn’t supposed to make us happy, but it does feel great to wear something very spring-like that you never could have worn in the winter. Once the weather gets warm, it’s so fun to bring out an outfit you had packed away for the winter or, if you can, buy something new that will inspire you all season long.
  • Go for a drive. Sometimes one of the best ways to take in the world is from the space behind the steering wheel. There is something about the rush of the road and the swirling of wind in your hair that really allows you to be into the moment. When spring has arrived, there is something amazing about a nice, long drive. Take one and see how you feel…
  • Celebrate with friends. If you’re going to enjoy the season, you might as well celebrate it! Invite some friends over to get into the season with you. There’s nothing quite like being surrounded with your friends to bring out the best in any season. Celebrate the spring!

~~~

Science has never drummed up quite as effective a tranquilizing agent as a sunny spring day.

  1. Earl Hall

~~~

When women retire as homemakers they tend to get a little testy. Here is what husbands have to look forward to.

Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!

I’m creative; you can’t expect me to be neat too!

So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!

Ring Bell for Maid Service…If no answer do it yourself!

I clean house every other day…. Today is the other day!

Our house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

If you don’t like my standards of cooking … lower your standards.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out.

~~~

As long as we have memories, yesterday remains; as long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits.

As long as we have Friendship, each day is never a waste.

~~~

A bricklayer at my husband’s construction job routinely complained about the contents of his lunch box. “I’m sick and tired of getting the same old thing!” he shouted one day. “Tonight, I’ll set my wife straight.”

The next day, the men could hardly wait until lunchtime to hear what happened. “You bet I told her off,” the bricklayer boasted. “I said, ‘No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!’ We had one heck of a fight, but I got my point across.”

He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened his lunch box to find that his wife had packed a coconut and a hammer.

~~~

“People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.”

Søren Kierkegaard

~~~

A husband said to his wife, “You know, dear, it may be time for you to consider getting a hearing aid.”

“How much do they cost?”

“They’re usually about $3,000.”

“Okay, I’ll get one. As soon as you say something that’s worth $3,000.”

~~~

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.

Cindy Garner

~~~

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: “an intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.'”

“See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded the jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.”

She wasn’t selected for the jury.

~~~

“The world’s favorite season is the spring. All things seem possible in May.”

Edwin Way Teale

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

Enjoy the long weekend

Fate often puts all the material for happiness and prosperity into a man’s hands just to see how miserable he can make himself with them.

Don Marquis

 ! 000000 MoneyWealth

It is another one of those days. Yesterday was full of things to do including tests and exploring the possibility of changing one of the approaches to my cardiac therapy. Today is going to be another day filled with things to do so I am going to revert to another Daily from the past. Fortunately many readers where not here when it was first published and others are I like I am, memory challenged so it will be new to them.

Ray’s Daily first published on May 24, 2005

 I have regularly told you that I think risk takers are often the big winners in life. Notwithstanding what Marquis says above I am willing risk living in prosperity. In fact this morning I am off to a Riverboat Casino to win the big bucks. I should warn you though, if I win more than I can carry I may not be able to get a daily off tomorrow from my plane on the way to Tahiti.

Oh yes, just in case I lose I want you to know that I think Horace had it right we he said centuries ago “Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which, in prosperous circumstances, would have lain dormant.” Currently it is mostly my body that lays dormant; if I lose today my wife will probably require me to unleash a talent or two.

~~~

When prosperity comes, do not use all of it.

Confucius

~~~

Real 911 Calls, “BELIEVE” it or not!!

Dispatcher:  9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller:  I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher:  Do you have an address?

Caller:  No, I’m wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

***

Dispatcher:  9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller:  Hi, is this the Police?     ;

Dispatcher:  This is 9-1-1.  Do you need police assistance?

Caller:  Well, I don’t know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey?  I’ve never cooked one before.

***

Dispatcher:  9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller:  I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher:  This is nine eleven.

Caller:  I thought you just said it was  nine-one-one

Dispatcher:  Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller:  Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

***

Dispatcher:  9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher:  Is this her first child?

Caller:  No, you idiot!  This ! is her husband!

***

Dispatcher:  9-1-1

Caller:  Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing.  I’m all out of breath.

Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.

Dispatcher:  Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller:  I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher:  Sir, an ambulance is on the way.  Are you an asthmatic?

Caller:  No

Dispatcher:  What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller:  Running from the Police.

~~~

If living conditions don’t stop improving in this country, we’re going to run out of humble beginnings for our great men.

Russell P. Askue

~~~

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.

“The front row please.” She answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No.” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked.

“No.” she said.

“Good,” he answered.

~~~

Hearing is one of the body’s five senses. But listening is an art.

Frank Tyger

~~~

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn’t anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today.

Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, “I really don’t need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps.”

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even.

The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: “nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?”

Replied the octogenarian “I do, would you please give me a hand.”

~~~

One of the most adventurous things left us is to go to bed. For no one can lay a hand on our dreams.

E.V. Lucas

~~~

She said, “I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter, Carrie, suddenly woke up.

Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, “Aha! I caught you!”

I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of the ‘tooth fairy’, was putting the money under her pillow, but her next words let me off the hook completely. .

“You put that money back!” she said indignantly.  “The tooth fairy left that for me!””

~~~

He said: My wife told me I should be more affectionate.  So I got a girlfriend.

~~~

Here is a group of medical terms as defined by blondes, or was it brunettes:

Barium              What to do when treatment fails.

Cauterize          Make eye contact with her.

Colic                  Sheepdog.

Dilate                 To live long.

Enema               Not a friend.

Fester                Quicker.

Hangnail             Coat hook.

Labor pain          Hurt at work.

Tablet                 Small table.

Tumor                More than one.

Varicose             Nearby.

Vein                     Conceited.

~~~

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.

Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.

Jackson Brown, Jr.

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

She’s not old, she is only 70

As we grow older the beauty steals inward.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 ! 000000 live-your-life

If you are as old as I am you have learned that that your perspective changes as the years roll by. Who would have thought that we would ever think of people in their sixties as being young, but in reality most are, certainly a lot more vigorous than those of us who are trying to extend our prime through exercise, diet and good humor. In my case mostly good humor.

When I am with my fellow golden agers the conversations tend to be medical, historical and imaginative. We see our age in different ways, often those who seem the most fragile in reality are the most vibrant. Their secret? Don’t dwell on you infirmities, rather find joy in what you find around you. Here is something I may have shared with you before, I don’t know who wrote it but it works for many of us.

How to Stay Young

  1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay ‘them’
  2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
  3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’
  4. Enjoy the simple things.
  5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
  6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves (and GOD). Be ALIVE while you are alive.
  7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, and hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
  8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
  9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
  10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER… Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

~~~

‘Age’ is the acceptance of a term of years. But maturity is the glory of years.

Martha Graham

~~~

New Office Work Rules

  1. SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your doctor’s statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
  2. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.
  3. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.
  4. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.
  5. PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order, for instance, those with last names beginning with “A” will be allowed to go from 9:00-9:05, and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes around again.
  6. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you’ll never do enough.
  7. QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.
  8. ADVICE FROM OWNER: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
  9. THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
  10. WHEN THE BOSS IS WRONG, REFER TO RULE 9.

~~~

He had delusions of adequacy.”

Walter Kerr

~~~

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. “You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members,” explained the minister.

“I know,” said the man, “but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I’d like to meet him.”

~~~

Vuja De – The Feeling You’ve Never Been Here.

~~~

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time.   “For example, he said, “take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, “Not very well.”

“Why is that?” Asked the professor.

“For one thing,” the student said, “She’d be way too old.”

~~~

Seven out of 10 people say they are feeling the pinch of high gas prices. The other three have bought siphoning equipment.

Jim Barach

~~~

There’s a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim’s Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn’t know what Junior’s problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel – they say – because it’s bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, “Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

And Junior said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d quit doing it.

~~~

There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.

Sophia Loren

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

It is up to you

I am more and more convinced that our happiness or our unhappiness depends far more on the way we meet the events of life than on the nature of those events themselves.

Wilhelm von Humboldt

 ! 00000 choose happiness

I think some of my friends focus too much on what is wrong in their eyes instead of what is right. I find that if you dwell on the negatives in your life you are never going to be very happy. It is amazing how the same landscape can look welcoming or not depending on what you look for.

Those who can accept their lives as they are versus believing there is a rainbow waiting over the hill holds the key to their happiness. The problem with chasing the rainbow is there is always another hill to climb and seldom does it hide a rainbow.

Here is a piece I picked up from WikiHow that I agree with:

How to Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself

We all occasionally feel down in the dumps, but we can’t let that stop us from enjoying life or fulfilling our goals. If you are feeling sorry for yourself, follow these steps.

1 Talk to a friend or someone who cares about you. Even if you do not agree with their advice, giving voice to your problems brings them up from your subconscious and allows you to examine them. When you keep everything inside, sometimes you don’t even realize what is bothering you.

2 Remember that everything is relative. Your neighbor may be feeling sorry for himself while looking at you, thinking that you are the luckiest person in the world. You may be feeling sorry for yourself because someone else has more money or looks better than you. If we stop and think about what we have, it is always enough.

3 Consider life in a third world country. Imagine if someone there could see you right now sitting at a computer reading this. They might marvel at the wonders of modern technology and think that you are the luckiest person in the world. They may be struggling for enough food and water just to survive.

4 Life can overwhelm us. We need to fix some problems in our lives, or we need to get something done. Realize that there will always be problems no matter what, and you never will finish your “To Do” list. Resolve to take care of at least one thing on your “To Do” list every day, and it will give you a feeling of satisfaction.

5 Remind yourself to live in the moment and stop thinking about the future or past. What we think about creates our tomorrow. If we think about the past, we stay stuck there. If we think about the future, we will never really live it because the future becomes now.

6 Look around you and realize all that you have. Relish the moment and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Enjoy life!

~~~

To pursue a goal which is by definition unattainable is to condemn oneself to a state of perpetual unhappiness.

Emile Durkheim

~~~

At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence, and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus, and was knocked back on to the fairway.

As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, “How on earth did you do that?”

He shrugged his shoulders, and said, “You have to know the bus schedule.”

~~~

To forgive heals the wound, to forget heals the scar.

~~~

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced – with a tiny smile, “For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River’

~~~

The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in.

Morrie Schwartz

~~~

A golfer who was well into his golden years had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California, the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that just out off the coast. It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the water. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.

One year he went out to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer. Before he hit it, however, a powerful voice from above said, “WAIT. REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND NEW BALL.”

He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, “WAIT. STEP BACK. TAKE A PRACTICE SWING.”

So he stepped back and took a practice swing. The voice boomed out again:, “TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING.” He did. Silence followed. Then the voice spoke out again, “PUT THE OLD BALL BACK.”

~~~

You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future.

~~~

Our 13 year old niece spent last night with us. When we dropped her off at home, my sister-in-law asked how she behaved. “She was an angel,” I informed her. “Really?” she questioned. “Yes, really. A perfect angel.”

I assured her. “I just don’t understand. Whenever she is with you she is well behaved. Whenever she is at home, she is a monster. She misbehaves for everyone else. In fact, the teachers at her school drew straws to see who would be stuck with her in their class. How come she always behaves for you?” My sister in law asked. “I don’t know. I guess I just have a way with children. I also try to educate them as well. A child is never to young to learn.” I answered. “What do you mean. What did you teach her?” She inquired. “Well, for instance, children need to learn about death and dying so they better understand this process. I explained this concept very carefully to her.” I informed my sister-in-law. “Really? You explained this to her at 13?”

She asked dumbfounded. “Well actually she was much younger when I explained this. She now understands death perfectly. Which is good, because it makes threatening her with it, much more effective.”

~~~

Spring is wonderful. It makes you feel young enough to do all the things you’re old enough, to know you can’t.

~~~

Karen: On the cover of a women’s magazine, I saw the title: “Men’s Secret Fear About Their Working Wives.” I decided to get a first-hand account. I asked my ex, “What’s your innermost fear about my working?”

Michelle: What did he say?

Karen: He said, “That you’ll quit.”

~~~

It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.

Dale Carnegie

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

Tag Cloud