Ray's Daily

Write the bad things that are done to you in sand, but write the good things that happen to you on a piece of marble.

Arabic Proverb

Hi my friends. I am back, not at full speed but at least I am not bed bound all day. The docs discovered I have been suffering with a powerful infection and now have me on what is said to be super antibiotics for the next seven days. The prognosis is that I should then return to semi-normalcy. That is if they don’t find anything more in the additional tests they made yesterday morning. So keep your fingers crossed that all this works. I have not been knocked down like this without a hospital stay before.

Unfortunately I have had to cancel a number of meetings and appointments, including a scheduled cardiac exam. I will be locked in at home at least until the middle of next week and that ought to add some psychological trauma to go along with my physical maladies.

Oh well I am glad my trusted computer kept you semi-informed. More importantly I want to thank all of you who sent me your prayers and good wishes. Like they say this too will pass and I’ll appreciate the world a little more when I recover.

I still am somewhat brain dead so I am going to pull a couple of saved quotes and share them with you and try to include why they are important to me.

~~~

One thing life has taught me: if you are interested, you never have to look for new interests. They come to you. When you are genuinely interested in one thing, it will always lead to something else.

Eleanor Roosevelt

I honestly believe that the most important part of keeping our lives vibrant as we age is to stay interested. Like Mrs. Roosevelt said it will lead you to something else which is often the secret to pulling us out of the mud created by hate and prejudice.

Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

Unknown

We spend so much time finding someone to blame for what we don’t have or for a pitfall that we encounter that cannot be changed that we miss the opportunity to enjoy what we do have and then move on. It bothers me that so many tell me about a negative event in their lives and why it should not have happened to them, something often from the distant past. It is truly the anchors that we choose to drop that hold us back, not the events we experience. I am sure you know we don’t have to bank our misery for when we do it stays with us always.

Bye for now and thanks for being here.

Ray

~~~

It is better to wear out than to rust out.

Bishop Richard Cumberland

~~~

I knew as early as our wedding what marriage to my wife would be like. The priest asked my wife, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

Then the priest asked me, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my wife said, "He does."

~~~

Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

~~~

Sherlock Holmes was sent to heaven to find Adam and Eve.  He came back within a day and said he had found them.

Watson: "How did you find them so quickly?"

Sherlock:  "Elementary, my dear Watson, they were the only ones that didn’t have belly buttons!"

~~~

To admit you were wrong is to declare you are wiser now than before.

~~~

Will Rogers said:

1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

2. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

3. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

4. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

5. You know you are getting old when every thing either dries up or leaks.

6. I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

7. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

8. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

9. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

10. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.

And finally, If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

~~~

"We’re all generous, but with different things, like time, money, talent—criticism."

Frank A. Clark

~~~

Many of us take better care of our cars then we do our mothers and yet we only expect our cars to last 5 or 6 years but we expect our mothers to last for a lifetime. Maybe we need a maintenance manual for mothers so we would know how to take care of them at least as well as we do our automobiles. Here are some items that might be included in such a manual.

Engine:

A mother’s engine is one of the most dependable kinds you can find. She can reach top speed from a prone position at a single cry from a sleeping child. But regular breaks are needed to keep up that peak performance. Mothers need a hot bath and a nap every 100 miles, a baby-sitter and a night out every 1,000 miles, and a live-in baby-sitter with a one week vacation every 10,000 miles.

Battery:

Mother’s batteries should be recharged regularly. Handmade items, notes, unexpected hugs and kisses, and frequent "I love you’s" will do very well! for a recharge.

Carburetor:

When a mother’s carburetor floods it should be treated immediately with Kleenex and a soft shoulder.

Brakes:

See that she uses her brakes to slow down often and come to a full stop occasionally. (A squeaking sound indicates a need for a rest).

Fuel:

Most mothers can run indefinitely on coffee, leftovers and salads, but an occasional dinner for two at a nice restaurant will really add to her efficiency.

Chassis:

Mothers run best when their bodies are properly maintained. Regular exercise should be encouraged and provided for as necessary.  A change in hairdo or makeup in spring and fall are also helpful. If you notice the chassis begins to sag, immediately start a program of walking, jogging, swimming, or bike riding. These are most effective when done with fathers.

Tune-ups:

Mother need regular tune-ups. Compliments are both the cheapest and most effective way to keep a mother purring contentedly. Oh yes, and let’s not forget to speak to mother lovingly and respectfully, especially when she reminds you to drive carefully and have a good time.

If these instructions are followed consistently, this fantastic creation and gift from God, whom we call "MOTHER", should last a lifetime and give good service and constant love to those who need her most.

~~~

“You have many choices. You can choose forgiveness over revenge, joy over despair. You can choose action over apathy….”

Stephanie Marston

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view.

(From the character Atticus Finch)

 Harper Lee

I thought today I would again pull some statements from another “Life lessons” list someone sent me to see what they mean to me. So rather then just reading them and thinking about what they convey to me I thought I would again share my thoughts with you. So here goes.

“A few simple truths”

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you have to say. Best friends listen to what you don’t say! – What I appreciate most are friends who care enough to tell you the truth even if you don’t want to hear it. When folks only tell you what you want to hear you miss one of the best opportunities to find out what you might want to change. It may cause pain for a moment but as they say “if your best friend won’t tell you, who will?”

Now is the most interesting time of all. – You know why? For me it is because this is the moment I can make a choice, I can make things better or worse depending on what I do. Today will be another day filled with mystery, wonder and opportunity. Rather than just drifting through the day going with the flow, I get to decide if I want to continue to ride the wave or step off for a bit, possibly even to do something silly or frivolous. Today will only be uninteresting if I ignore the moments and just coast along.

When things go wrong…. Don’t go with them. – Boy isn’t this the truth! Too many of us ride the sinking ship down waiting for someone to rescue us, someone who never comes.

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side. – If we all just jump on the bandwagon or get behind the parade we really don’t need to think anymore. In life most of the truly great things have been done by people who marched to a different drummer. It is OK to buy into conventional wisdom but only if you have thought it through versus blindly accepting what are often conclusions that are waiting for a truth teller to stand up and holler “WAIT” your going the wrong way.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to. – I have found in my life that anger takes me to places I don’t want to go. If we cannot reason together and instead pull out our guns and start shooting at each other we only makes things worse. I can agree that you have the right to think what you want, but I don’t have to stay and listen to your tirade.

~~~

I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.

Abraham Lincoln

~~~

A Catholic Dictionary

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

~~~

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

~~~

A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing. The pastor was highly gratified and told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "it’s a matter of choice. I’d rather hear your sermon than hers."

~~~

"The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

Announcement: the mental-disease-of-the-month club is being disbanded immediately. The reasons being:

1. During dipsomania month, the club party spent 10 times its budget on refreshments.

2. During kleptomania month, all of the club furnishings were removed, and (as aforementioned) the budget was already spent and gone.

3. During megalomania month, the club organization broke down due to having sixteen claimants to being Club President, etc.

4. During multiple personality month, our club roster roughly tripled in size with no increase in dues.

5.During paranoia month, the inflated roster dropped to zero as each member changed his or her mailing address and left no forwarding address for the club.

You members were obviously out to ruin us; it’s all clear now. It took all our remaining personal savings to track you all down. Therefore, here is your last installment: clinical depression. Have a nice day."

~~~

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny forks and spoons, so I wondered what Chinese mothers use.   Toothpicks?

~~~

A young couple met with their Rabbi to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the synagogue. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the shul, his best man rushed him up the aisle and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants," whispered the Rabbi.

"Uh, Rebbe, I’ve changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

~~~

“Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living; the other helps you make a life.”

Sandra Carey

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

Leo Buscaglia

I was with one of my favorite friends who now lives in Florida yesterday, sadly she was in Indianapolis to attend the funeral of her 28 year old son and to make arrangements to bring his two very young children and their mother to Florida to live with her and her partner. My friend is one of the kindest and most caring people I ever met and my heart was broken when I learned of the death of her son so early in life. I could feel her pain but I also saw how her capacity to care allowed her to rise up to the role she will now play in the lives of her two young grandchildren. For all the years I have known her I have felt her most outstanding feature was her constant demonstration of love for her fellow human beings. There is no way that I could possibly describe the goodness she exhibits so I want to share a story I got from a Steve Brunkhorst mailing some time ago for it reminded me of my friend Nancy the first time I read it and it still does’

The Underestimated Power of Kindness

It was a bright Saturday morning in late fall, 2004. I had stopped at a cafe’ to enjoy a cup of coffee and scan the morning newspaper. Suddenly, I felt a hand on the back of my jacket and heard someone say, "Hey Steve! How ya doin’?" Looking up, I saw a boy wearing a mechanic’s uniform worn by employees of the gasoline station next to the cafe’. He looked familiar, but, at first, I was unable to recall where we had met. He also held a cup of coffee, so I asked him to join me. Very soon, his story – and probably my coffee – began to thaw out my memory.

Five years earlier, he had been traveling home late one February night with a group of friends. A ferocious blizzard had arrived that afternoon, and by midnight, the snow drifts were getting deep. He recalled hitting a drift just down the road from my house. He had walked to my house for help. I had taken my pickup and tow rope, and pulled him out of the snow drift and up to the highway where maintenance trucks had cleaned away the snow. This has been a common occurrence here during the winter. I cannot count the times someone has also pulled my car from a snow drift.

However, it was an unforgettable experience for him. He was only eighteen at the time, and he described how frightened he had been. That was not a storm one would want to be stuck in all night. Within a couple hours, my pickup would not have made it to the highway. As it turned out, his memory and account of that snowy night was a very unexpected – and much appreciated – kindness toward me. I thanked him sincerely for stopping to chat during his break.

His memory of our unexpected meeting in a snow storm brightened my day, and an old acquaintance became a new friend. Since then, we’ve had more chats over a Saturday morning cup of coffee. Such simple actions, as Leo Buscaglia suggested in today’s quote, can indeed have an underestimated power.

There are many people who desperately need kind words, smiles, and listening ears – ears that will hear without judging and respond without possessing. One simple kindness at the right moment can change the direction of a life and shine a light of hope when all light seems to have gone out. Sometimes it has the power to save a life.

Here is a great quote that I keep in my journal. It was written by William Penn…

"I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again."

Steve Brunkhorst

~~~

"Because I took a moment to speak

And you took a second to smile

A tiny part of me will leave with you

And a little bit of you will stay."

Jevan

~~~

Two husbands, Bill and Doug, were discussing their married lives.

Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.

Then Bill said, "I’ve made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said Doug, "How do you manage that?"

"It’s easy," replied Bill. "My last words are always ‘Yes, Dear.’"

~~~

"The Five Stages of Life"

To Grow Up

To Fill Out

To Slim Down

To Hold It In

To Hell With It

~~~

City Boy: Say, Dad, how many kinds of milk are there?

Father: Well, there’s evaporated milk, buttermilk, malted milk, and — but why do you wish to know?

City Boy: Oh, I’m drawing a picture of a cow, and I want to know how many *spigots* to put on her.

~~~

"No birth is an accident, no experience is without meaning, and no life is without value."

Gary Zukav

~~~

A priest was given the job of hearing the confessions of an order of monks. The priest returned to his parish that night and complained to one of the nuns about how long each of the monks took to enumerate all of their sins.

"Oh Father," said the nun. "It couldn’t have been that bad."

The priest replied, "Oh it was worse than you can imagine. It was like being stoned to death with popcorn."

~~~

Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

~~~

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up to the teacher’s desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain’t got no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don’t have any crayons.’ You don’t have any crayons. We don’t have any crayons. They don’t have any crayons. Do you see what I’m getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"

~~~

"I think Little League (baseball)  is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house."

Yogi Berra

~~~

A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."

The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."

The Pastor said, "Sex!"

The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

~~~

"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being."

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Knowing is not enough; we must apply.

Willing is not enough; we must do.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I had coffee the other day with a friend who is co-authoring a book describing the accomplishments of special women. She and her partner are researching what it is that motivates and inspires some women to do extraordinary things. These are not necessarily the renowned, more often than not they are those who do something special for others without recognition. In fact my friends writing partner used the women who deliver the babies of female AIDS victims in primitive settings in Africa as examples.

The magic and inspiration that comes from the good works of others, men or women, offer us all some of the brightest lights in what is often a dark world. It is not that they need or even desire recognition it is that we need them to show us what we can do.

I was talking to Carol Bellamy, the then head of the United Nations Children’s Fund, years ago and told her I was proud of my fellow Kiwanis members who stood ready to offer their hearts, their minds and their hands in the service of children. That comment came back to mind as I reflected on what my author friend was doing. For most of us have good hearts and active minds and yet often fail to offer our hands in service to others. I find it way too easy to find reasons not to do things I might do and when I hold back I miss the opportunity to reap the reward that comes from touching the lives of those less fortunate.

When I think about it, it really does not require super intelligence or even a caring heart, what it does require is action, putting our hands out to others. The great news is that as has been demonstrated on the streets of Calcutta, in small villages in Africa and in homeless shelters here at home those that give nurture their hearts and their souls. I am excited about the stories my friend will share with her readers, not as reports on the works of others but rather as a source of inspiration for all.

I know that many of you give of yourself and for that I am grateful, for it will be people like you, doing even the smallest good deed that in the aggregate will provide us what we will need if we are to have any chance of a better tomorrow. I’ll do what I can and hopefully maybe even a little more and while I am doing whatever it is I know that many of you will be doing so as well and that together we will make a difference.

PS: When my friend publish her book I’ll let you know so you too can acquire it and be warmed by the stories of those who deserve our respect and gratitude.

~~~

I am only one,

But still I am one.

I cannot do everything,

But still I can do something;

And because I cannot do everything

I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.

Edward Everett Hale

~~~

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You’re a man of God. Can’t you do something about this?"

He replied, "Sorry, I can’t. I’m in sales, not management."

~~~

"How many are there working at your office?"

"About one third."

~~~

Arthur grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. He held up the thermos, and the barista quickly came over to take his order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" Arthur asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh, good!" Arthur sighed in relief, "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

~~~

The human race is divided into two classes–those who go ahead and do something, and those who sit still and inquire, “Why wasn’t it done the other way?”

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

~~~

A man was celebrating his 80th birthday and his 50th wedding anniversary.

A reported asked, "Sir, how do you account for looking so fit?"

"Well," the old-timer told him, "when we got married, my wife and I made an agreement that any time we saw an argument coming on, I would grab my hat and walk three times around the block. You’d be surprised what 50 years of outdoor exercise will do for your health!"

~~~

You can’t build a reputation on what you are going to do.

Henry Ford

~~~

Bill has the typical observant wife. One evening after dinner, she handed him a bottle of ‘Rogaine’ hair restorer.

Bill told her while he was indeed starting to thin out some, he didn’t really think he needed hair restorer yet.

She said, "Oh. It’s not for you, it’s for your secretary, she seems to be losing quite a bit of her hair on your jacket."

~~~

An acre of performance is worth a whole world of promise.

William Dean Howells

~~~

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"

~~~

If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

~~~

Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational from a few years ago which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who’s both stupid and an ass.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting sex.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earthexplodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

~~~

Each day is a new canvas to paint upon. Make sure your picture is full of life and happiness, and at the end of the day you don’t look at it and wish you had painted something different.

Author Unknown

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Those who wish to sing, always find a song.

Swedish Proverb

I’m moving fast this morning, I have a meeting where I’ll get caught up on how OASIS of Indianapolis is putting together new programs to benefit us more seasoned citizens and then I am off on a quick trip out of town. So everyone I again go back to yesteryear and hope that you either have joined our merry band since it was first published or that you’re like I am and have a memory that allows the old to look new no matter how many times we see it.

Ray’s Daily first published on July 20, 2004.

Ray’s Daily

Well my social calendar is full today and tomorrow, what with blood draws, Hematologist and Cardiologist appointments, pacemaker checks and EKG’s I will be pretty busy. It is nice to be so wanted. Maybe a friendship club would be cheaper though.

~~~

"The longer I live the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing that we can do is to play on the one string we have and that is our attitude… I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our attitudes."

Charles Swindoll

~~~

Maturity begins to grow when you can sense your concern for others outweighing your concern for yourself.

John Macnaughton

~~~

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

~~~

Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

~~~

Grandma Goldberg, a woman of 85, was slowly ambling down the street when she met her physician Dr. Cohen. Dr. Cohen, a dapper graying man in his early 60’s asked the elderly lady, "Mrs. Goldberg how are you feeling?"

For a long moment the woman gave the good doctor a terrible stare and then she said — "You ask me how I’m feeling! I’ll tell you how I’m feeling!! My legs hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating too fast and I can’t sleep!!! I have horrible headaches and stomach pains too!"

The good doctor looked at the elderly lady with compassion, "If you’re feeling so awful, why didn’t you come and see me right away?"

Grandma Goldberg let out a sigh and said, "I was just waiting until I felt a little better."

~~~

"A man sent a postcard from Las Vegas to a friend: Having a wonderful time. Wish I could afford it."

Myron Cohen

~~~

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin …As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.  As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee.  "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?  Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrr, Gerrrr, Kiiiing."

~~~

To keep the heart unwrinkled, to be hopeful, kindly, cheerful, reverent that is to triumph over old age.

Amos Bronson Alcott

~~~

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to seek a grant designating Southern slang, or Y’allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are excerpts from the Y’allbonics/English dictionary.  

1) HEIDI – (noun) – Greeting.  

2) HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, Hire yew?"  

3) BARD – (verb) – Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow". Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

4) JAWJUH – (noun) – The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and took it to Lanner."  

5) BAMMER – (noun) – The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayam. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000 in improvements."

6) MUNTS – (noun) – A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts."  

7) THANK – (verb) – Cognitive process. Usage: "Ah thank ah’ll have a bare." 

8) BARE – (noun) – An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah’ll have a nutter bare."  

9) IGNERT – (adjective) – Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage:" Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

10) RANCH – (noun) – A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."  

~~~

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

~~~

Nadine and Jill were talking about a friend who had just given birth to triplets.

"You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times?" said Nadine.

"Amazing!" said Jill. "How did she ever find time to do any housework?"

~~~

Law of Institutional Food: Everything is cold except what should be.

~~~

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made.

"For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."

"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.

"I’m not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but I bet it sounds something like. "Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!’"

~~~

Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief,

than from those very things for which you are angry and grieved.

Marcus Antonius

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

If you want to get something that you never had before,

do something that you had never done before.

I was having breakfast a few weeks ago when I noticed one of my favorite servers had an unusual glow about her. I made a comment about how bright she looked and she shared with me that she had found comfort and solace recently by reaffirming her faith. What was especially impressive to me was that this resulted in her turning away from the past and looking forward with hope to the future. Today I had breakfast at the same restaurant and my table partner commented on how well my server friend looked and I shared the story of how she had released herself from the past, set her burdens aside and was now at the beginning of the journey to find the joys that she has missed in the past.

Those of you who know me must know how pleased I was that my former acquaintance and now friend had taken the steps that too many of us never take. Why is it that some of us spend our lives carrying useless burdens that continually bog us down, keeping us from ever moving on with a lightened load? Is it a lack of confidence? Are we so sure we will fail that we never try? Or is it that we have let ourselves fall into a never changing rut that saps our energy? I honestly think we all can be like my new friend if we just decide that the past is truly the past and that it is gone forever. When we look ahead the future with all its potential is waiting for us to enjoy, but only if we choose to move forward and pursue our dreams.

A few days ago Ralph Marston sent me the following that reminds us that pursuing the better life does not have to wait, today is the very best day to get started. Here is what he wrote:

Your time to live

You were born to make a difference. Now is when you can. For a long time you have wanted to move beyond the troubles and shortcomings that have been hounding you. Now you can take action and begin to do just that.

Now is when you can create new and lasting value for your world, for yourself and for those around you. Now is when you can transform your most deeply held dreams and values from vision into reality.

Now is when you can make decisions and take action. Now is when you have the ability to get whatever results you set out to achieve.

On this day, in this moment, you can learn from the mistakes of the past and make the positive changes that will take you to where you most would like to be. Now is your chance to put all you have to its highest and best use.

Now is when your future begins, and now is when you can do something about it. This is the moment, this is the day, and now is your time to live.

So how about it, would you like to join with my friend and move on to better things? If you would, don’t wait, start now, she did and you can too. It very well may be the best move you’ll ever make.

~~~

Giving of yourself, learning to be tolerant, giving recognition and approval to others, remaining flexible enough to mature and learn – yields happiness, harmony, contentment and productivity. These are the qualities of a rich life, the bounteous harvest of getting along with people.

Jack C Yewell

~~~

The veterinarian told the her that her dog needed some exercise. "You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said.

"Try playing a game of fetch with him."

"I can’t play fetch with my dog," she said.

"Why not?" the doctor asked.

"Because," she replied, "He can’t throw."

~~~

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you have to say. Best friends listen to what you don’t say!

~~~

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8.

The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half."

"Just bring me a size eight!" the man replies.

The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I’ve lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, my business has filed Chapter 7, and my son just told me he was gay. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."

~~~

People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.

Abigail Van Buren

~~~

My friend’s mother is a proper Southern lady and a passionate gardener who spends hours outside with her plants. In her neighborhood, where she has lived most of her life, no one has fences and every yard is open to the next.

Recently one of her longtime neighbors, an elderly man, moved away. "Are you going to miss him?" my friend asked.

"Actually I’m relieved," her mother replied. "Now I can bend over."

~~~

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed."

Alexander Pope

~~~

Bill had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more successful than he was.  Some even went so far as to insinuate that he was overshadowed by her and henpecked.  Bill had a sense of humor and always laughed it off.

One day, one of his fiends asked the tiresome question AGAIN, "Who wears the pants in your family?"

"I do," replied Bill.  Then, after a pause, he added, "I also wash and iron them."

~~~

Everyone seems normal….. Until you get to know them.

~~~

He said: As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married.  To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women.

"You’re right, Steve," she said.  "Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry."

~~~

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

Eleanor Roosevelt

~~~

The new librarian decided that, instead of checking out children’s books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them that they were signing a "contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and, with a look of utter disgust on his face, handed them to the librarian.

Before the librarian could even start her speech, the boy said, disdainfully, "That other librarian we had could write."

~~~

“It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours.

It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.”

Buddha

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

“All of life is a journey which paths we take, what we look back on, and what we look forward to is up to us. We determine our destination, what kind of road we will take to get there, and how happy we are when we get there.”

As I said yesterday I will be on the run again today. I even get to stay busy all weekend including distributing coffee and doughnuts with Salvation Army Doughnut Girls to veterans at an American Legion convention. But before I rush off I thought I would again pull up a few of the life tips a reader sent me and share them with you.

More Life Lessons from Ray’s Daily Readers

No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission. – Isn’t that the truth? No one makes us get angry or upset, they only do so if we let them. In my case I do my best to choose not to let them. That does not mean I don’t take criticism seriously, I do. It just means I don’t react angrily but rather consider what I was told and decide if their right and if the are I take responsibility, but if their not I move on. I have also found that it is disarming to the critic when you agree with them when they are right.

Success stops when you do. – It is not just success that stops, everything stops. I feel sad when I see folks who have chosen to end their lives years before their funerals. Give up and you stagnate, keep going and you live.

I’ve learned that ultimately ‘takers’ lose and ‘givers’ win. – I find this to be true more and more each day. One of the life’s great rewards is that people care about givers and ignore takers to the point that takers have a lonesome existence.

Life’s precious moments don’t have value, unless they are shared. – I don’t totally agree for every precious moment is a memory that is a real treasure. However I think moments are magnified many times over when they are shared.

If you don’t start, it’s certain you won’t arrive. – Far too many people’s “I’ll do it tomorrow” plans end up being buried with them. I find that the best answer to the “If only I would of” wish, is to do it and find out what is there. The grass more often than not is less green on the other side but going there and finding out makes our current grass seem much sweeter.

Life is a journey…. Not a destination. Enjoy the trip! – Too many are so compulsively focused on the destination that they miss all the rewards that lay along the path. It is like the child that constantly asks “Are we there yet” while missing the beautiful scenery that exists just outside their window.

~~~

“Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.”

Winston Churchill

~~~

A life insurance agent was speaking to a would-be client:

"Don’t let me frighten you into making a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know."

~~~

I hope they don’t raise the standard of living any higher, I can’t afford it now.

~~~

"Your honor," a defense attorney began, "I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the scene of the crime when it occurred."

The judge looked at the defense table and said, "This is the third time you’ve been in this court room this week, and I’m getting sick of hearing your lies."

The defendant stood up with a confused expression and said, "Your honour, you must be mistaken.  I’ve never been here in my life."

Waving his finger, the judge replied, "I was referring to your lawyer."

~~~

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

~~~

Manny was almost 29 years old.  Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him,  "What’s the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman?  Are you THAT particular?  Can’t you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied.  "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.  So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, “Why don’t you find a girl who’s just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again. "So Manny.  Did you find the perfect girl yet.  One that’s just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom.

My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!!  So,….  Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I’m afraid not.  My Father can’t stand her!"

~~~

Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

~~~

My wife went to high school around this time; I guess she did not take home economics.

The following is from a 1950’s Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal – on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON’TS: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

~~~

“Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming … WOW! What a ride!”

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

“The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.”

Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

I will be on the run for the next two days so today I am sending you the Daily I published eight years ago today. I may have to do a reprint tomorrow as well if I don’t get something written tonight. Have fun today and by all means smile a few times.

~~~

July 15, 2002

One of the most meaningful comments I ever received, was many years ago when the then Vice-president of the Indianapolis Chamber of Commerce said that I had the ability to lose gracefully. The game often goes to those who can play another day. The combination of patience and grace, versus anger and bridge-burning is often the key to success. If nothing else it is much more enjoyable then the trauma created by the alternative.

Many people consider patience a commonplace virtue, not to say a tame and insipid one. But rightly appreciated it is grand and heroic. Without it the strongest character has a dangerously weak spot, which at any moment may be its ruin. With it, the otherwise weakest has an element of invincible strength.

Congregationalist

Of course the problem is to make sure that we know the difference between procrastination and patience. Being an expert at procrastination I have to guard to make sure I am not rationalizing my propensity to wait until the last minute as being anything other than putting off until tomorrow what I should doing it today.

~~~

Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.

Jean Jacques Rousseau

~~~

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year- old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You’re thin and beautiful."

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

~~~

Age does not make us childish, as some say; it finds us true children.

Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

~~~

Three people were trying to get into heaven. Peter asked the first, "Who’s there?" "It’s me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St. Peter let him in.

Then St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, "Who’s there?" "It’s me, Charlie Jones." And St. Peter let him in.

Finally he turns to the third, asking the same question, "Who’s there?" "It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third. "Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another one of those English teachers."

~~~

A competitive world has two possibilities for you. You can lose. Or, if you want to win, you can change.

Lester C. Thurow

~~~

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids?

If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?…. "I’m four and a half" …. You’re never 36 and a half …. you’re four and a half going on five!

That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I’m gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens …. you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony …. you BECOME 21 … YES!!!

But then you turn 30 …. ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk …. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now.

What’s wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40 ….. stay over there, it’s all slipping away ……..

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ….. and your dreams are gone. Then you MAKE IT to 60 ….. you didn’t think you’d make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 …… then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it’s a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday …. You get into your 80’s, you HIT lunch. And it doesn’t end there …. into the 90’s you start going backwards …. I was JUST 92 … Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again …. "I’m 100 and a half!!!!"

~~~

"When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety."

Steven Wright

~~~

Dear Diary

MONDAY:  What a wonderful cruise this is going to be!  I felt singularly honored this evening.  The Captain asked me to dine at his table.

TUESDAY:  I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.

WEDNESDAY:  The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.

THURSDAY:  Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!

FRIDAY:  This afternoon I saved 1600 lives.

~~~

"We’ve begun to long for the pitter patter of little feet – so we bought a dog.  Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet."

Rita Rudner

~~~

Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution.

The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.

Darryl was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly. Darryl said "yes" and the doctor proceeded. "Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Darryl said, "I’d be half blind." "That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I’d be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Darryl’s hand, and told him he was free to go.

On Darryl’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Harold went into the doctor’s office when he was called. The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I’d be half blind." The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?" "I’d be completely blind," Harold answered."

"Harold, can you explain how you’d be blind?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."

~~~

Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together.

Eugene Ionesco

~~~

Youth is not the age of pleasure; we then expect too much, and we are therefore exposed to daily disappointments and mortifications. When we are a little older, and have brought down our wishes to our experience, then we become calm and begin to enjoy ourselves.

Lord Liverpool

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.