Ray's Daily

"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up."

Bible: Ecclesiastes

~~~

Well gang, I will be getting ready to shut down the presses tomorrow so that I can fly off to distant lands. It goes without saying that I will miss you all and I feel especially guilty this time since I will miss two whole weeks of August special events. I can only participate today and tomorrow but I will rest easy knowing you will do your part as the month progresses. I am hoping that you are willing to accept my proxy so I can at least participate in spirit.

Just as a quick reminder here are some of the U.S. August highlights:

Today is World Breast Feeding Day – A word of warning, I learned when I was partnering with UNICEF that this is not for everyone, they are only talking about infants.

This is the first day of International Clown Week – I hope that the people who see me as I travel this week will understand that my behavior is in the spirit of the week, I don’t know how I will explain it next week.

It is also National Night Out Day – I lucked out on this one, we are going out with friends tonight and I suspect we will even be out after dark.

Here are a few of the month long activities:

American Artists Appreciation Month – Take an artist to lunch (note: they are expected to be selected on the quality of their works not on the quality of their looks).

Fall of Empires Month – Actually I think this started when my wife told me in no uncertain terms that I was not an emperor.

Foot Health Month – This one is especially important to me since I so often have my foot in my mouth.

National HAIRitage Month – I am not sure about this one, but if it is what I think it is I don’t need a special month, I think of my lost hair everyday

Psychic Month – You know what I think about this…..I knew you did.

Romance Awareness Month – I am at the age where I need to be made aware of romantic events since I often don’t recognize them when they happen, and trust me that is not a good thing.

Autumn Semester Begins – I don’t understand this at all, when I was a kid autumn was much later in the year, what did I miss?

Anyway thanks for holding the fort while I am gone. In fact I am so grateful that I will consider what you do as being in support of Be Kind to Ray, year.

~~~

"The better part of one’s life consists of his friendships."

Abraham Lincoln

~~~

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to fuss, "Where did you get that car???!!!

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents? "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to panic and asked. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don’t know her name; they just moved in.

She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother to the boys father, "John, you go right up there and see what’s going on."

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary.

The secretary took his money and left him after they had arrived.

He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.

So I did."

~~~

"Strangers are just friends waiting to happen."

~~~

TOP TIPS FOR LIFE

• Don’t waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
• Men: When listening to your favorite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
• Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
• Ladies: If invited to a fancy party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the hostess will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.
• Homeowners: Don’t hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.
• Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send the stranded driver on his way.

~~~

All I want is a LITTLE more than I can spend!

~~~

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn’t help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

~~~

I went to see Pavarotti once and I’ll tell you this much, he doesn’t like it when you join in.

~~~

Danny said to his son, "It’s time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you’ve never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat.

You’ll be preoccupied and won’t be able to think of anything else."

"But don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal … it’s called golf."

~~~

Jim told his buddy, Bill, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."

Bill asked, "Oh? Why do you wonder about that?"

Jim replied, "Well, somebody married my ex-wife this week!"

~~~

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken.

~~~

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."

Mother Teresa

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.

John Barrymore

~~~

I have been asked to give my thoughts on the question “What will be different for the large number of baby boomers when they are all in retirement?” As you know the burden of social costs as we see them today cannot be sustained in the United States and in many other countries. Medical costs continue to rise while the retired base gets larger and the taxpaying workforce gets smaller. It now appears that my generation will not leave future generations as well off as we were if things continue as they are.

I think it we must quit thinking about people in terms of their chronological ages. Most of the people I know in their 60’s and 70’s are healthy, vibrant, interested, active adults; in my mind they have not lost their youth, in fact for some this is the most youthful time of their lives. We need to quit generalizing about the so called “senior” by placing everyone in a category we view as “old folks.”

It is time that we differentiate not on the basis of our age but rather on the basis of our health status. Our needs change not because of how old we are but because of our physical and mental status. We require little help when we are independent, more when we cannot cope with some of the smaller requirements of life, and then we really need help when we cannot make it on our own. In my lifetime these phases have shifted to much later in life for most people, people in their seventies now act and look like people in their fifties did when I was a child.

When I think terms of well being instead of age a whole series of new ideas arise as to how we might meet the needs of the baby boomers and their children. As an example here is one you might want to think about. We could subsidize a transition from fulltime employment to full retirement by supplementing the income of elderly part time workers, thus reducing the social security burden and at the same time reducing the demands on the individual by making it practical for them to reap some of the benefits that come being able to work.

In my case I may have been around for a long time, and I may look my age, but I am not ready to join the ranks of the old folks, I am having too much fun running with the young folks.

~~~

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years.  We grow old by deserting our ideals.  Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.

Samuel Ullman

~~~

It costs a lot of money to date.

I took a girl out to dinner the other night.

I said "What’ll you have?"

She said "Well, I guess I’ll have the steak & lobster."

I said "Well, guess again…"

SKIP STEPHENSON

~~~

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.

Edmund Burke

~~~

My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don’t forget to let the people behind you know what you’re doing."

Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I’m going left."

~~~

Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within. It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy; it is that which we think and feel and do, first for the other fellow and then for ourselves.  

Helen Keller

~~~

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called: Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

~~~

"The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them."

Samuel McChord Crothers

~~~

On his honeymoon, a very thick redneck farmer, Billy Joe, insisted on having a room at the luxury hotel with a balcony overlooking the sea.

On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very sexy lingerie.

"Hey Billy Joe, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time" she said coyly.

"No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said.

So Daisy sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Billy Joe once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Daisy grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep.

In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony.

"Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?" she asked.

"Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life – and I didn’t want to miss a moment of it."

~~~

Yesterday is experience, tomorrow is hope, today is getting from one to the other.

~~~

At a lecture on psychic phenomena in a Comparative Religions course, the instructor told about a woman who contacted police working on a missing persons case.

"She gave them eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the instructor said. "And in fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now, what would you call this type of person?"

While the rest of the class pondered the question, a sheriff’s deputy taking the class raised his hand and replied, "A suspect."

~~~

Grow old with me!

The best is yet to be.

Robert Browning

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

“The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.”

Saint Augustine

~~~

It is time I started to think about my cruise next week. On Friday I will have arrived in Rome, motored to the coast and boarded Celebrity’s Galaxy to begin our sail to some of my favorite European ports and to visit a few others for the first time. My cruises are always relaxing when we are at sea and filled with discovery when on shore.

My day has been pretty full so I pulled up the following excerpt from an old daily that I especially like.

Many of us follow in the foot step of others, while others of us follow the path less traveled. They are the ones that break the new ground, and whose lives are often filled with adventure and rewards. Each of our lives is filled with opportunity after opportunity to take the road less traveled.

We get to choose if we are going to do the same thing day after day, month after month, year after year as we follow either in the footsteps of others or on the path we have always traveled. While there may be no risk or challenge, I can almost guarantee there will be little discovery or new found pleasure. It is as Robert Frost said when he wrote:

         The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long as I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth,

Then took the other as just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim;

Because it was grassy and wanted wear,

Though as for that, the passing there

Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet, knowing how way leads onto way I doubted

if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh,

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

~~~

“I travel a lot; I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”

Caskie Stinnett

~~~

Concluding his exam, the doctor said to his patient, "Mr. Franklin, I find very little wrong with you. You are in surprisingly good health despite being quite overweight. My advice to you is this: If you want to stay healthy, give up those intimate little dinners for two unless you have someone to share them with."

~~~

The police recently busted a man selling tablets he said gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fourth time he was caught for doing this. He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856 and 1928.

~~~

There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience.

French Proverb

~~~

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.

"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."

~~~

"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory."

Paul Fix

~~~

You know yours is a Red Neck Church if:

Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want to know whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em.

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

The pastor says, "I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "Branding."

There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a new church septic tank.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized wash tub.

The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob’s Bar-B-Q, and are embroidered with his logo.

The collection plates are really hubcaps from a ’56 Chevy.

~~~

"I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks."

Totie Fields

~~~

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death’s door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the

patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don’t understand," they said, "Dad hasn’t walked in over a year!"

~~~

I have a cousin who’s always being consulted by doctors. He’s a caddie.

~~~

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. 

In  a very  loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;  YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE,   RIGHT?"     

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

~~~

"Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast – you also miss the sense of where you are going and why."

Eddie Cantor

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

Retired is being twice tired, I’ve thought

First tired of working,

Then tired of not.

Richard Armour

~~~

I have been asked to participate on a panel on retirement next week. The attendees will be retirees and those who are about to retire. Since my job will be to answer questions about retirement I have been thinking about my many retirements and what I have learned. I found that retirement was not what I thought it would be.

When I was working I had a place to go every day, I had schedules to keep and work to do, in other words I had structure and discipline. I found that it can be a difficult adjustment to make when all of a sudden we are totally free. Many of us soon learn that our things to do list is not endless; once everything is painted, all the broken items fixed, and everything organized we find ourselves with too much time on our hands. Some of us decide we are going to spend hour after hour playing golf, pursuing a hobby, or just hanging out. We soon learn that doing the same thing day in and day out gets old and more often than not the things we dreamed about doing lose their luster over time.

When we retire we have a choice, stagnate or rejuvenate. We get to decide if retirement is an end or a new beginning. If we chose to begin again many doors open for us. I found that my second, third, and forth careers where each better than the last. There are service clubs, community organizations, museums, hospitals, all providing homes for volunteers. That is where we find people waiting to take the place in our lives filling the void left by the people we behind when we left our jobs.

Thinking about my participation in next weeks forum helped me realize that the greatest thing about being retired is that we no longer have to prove ourselves. We have no boss to impress, our spouses already know us even better than we know ourselves and hopefully we have learned not to waste time trying to impress others. Most of us become totally free for the first time and it is up to us to take advantage of our freedom. Trust me, failing to do so is miserable.

I love my retirement, no one can fire me when I do something dumb, few care when I do something silly, and best of all I can always be myself for there is no one I need to impress.

~~~

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

Abe Lemons

~~~

Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."

Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Wilson," she gushed, "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why you’re almost a stranger. My, but I’m tired!"

The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn’t often I see you on washday. No wonder you’re tired. Being pregnant isn’t easy. By the way, don’t deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney’s office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail."

~~~

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."

Wendy Leibman

~~~

There is a knock on St. Peter’s door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.  

A short time later there’s another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.  

"Hey, are you playing games with me?"  St. Peter calls after him.  

"No," the man’s distant voice replies anxiously. "They’re trying to resuscitate me."  

~~~

Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.

Marlene Savant

~~~

Steven Spielberg was filming his latest movie in the heart of the Amazon rain forest. The costs involved in transporting tons of movie making equipment into the heart of the jungle were enormous. He literally had a cast of thousands to feed and clothe. It was his most expensive production yet and he sank his entire personal fortune into the project.

The biggest expense was building a faithful replica of an Ancient city in the middle of the jungle. No expense was spared to make the city authentic.

The climax of the movie was to be the complete destruction of the city in a dramatic fire. As Spielberg planned to actually burn the city to the ground there was only one chance to film it.

He set up four cameras:

"Ok, camera one, I want you up in the helicopter to get an over head shot of the whole scene."

"Ok boss"

"Camera two, I’d like you at the edge of the clearing for a medium range shot.

"OK boss"

"Camera three, we’ve built a special fireproof hut in the center of the city. You can poke the camera through a hole in the side and get a close up view from the heart of the fire"

"Ok boss"

"Camera four, I need you at the top of that hill over there to get a long range shot"

"Ok boss"

Once the cameras and actors were all in place, Spielberg himself lit the match to start the fire.

It was an amazing sight, the fire raged and roared for over an hour as the entire multi-million dollar set was completely destroyed and reduced to a smoking pile of ash.

Spielberg radioed the helicopter, "Camera one, how did it go?"

"Sorry boss but the smoke was so thick I couldn’t see a thing. Then the smoke got into the engine of the chopper and we were forced to land. I didn’t get anything."

"Damn!" thought Spielberg, "well I guess I can just use the footage from the other three cameras."

"Camera two, how did it go?"

"Sorry boss but the down draft from the chopper blades fanned the flames and started the bush all around us on fire. We had to run for safety and the camera was burned to a crisp."

"Crap!, I guess I’ll have to make two with two cameras"

"Camera three, please tell me you got the shot"

"Sorry boss, the fireproof hut worked fine, but the lens of the camera couldn’t take the heat and it melted. I got nothing"

"I can’t believe this!" cried Spielberg. "Thank god I sent that last camera up on the hill. The smoke didn’t blow that way, there was no brush fire or heat to worry about."

He walks towards the hill, cups his hands to his mouth and yells…

"CAMERA FOUR!!"

And the cameraman yells back…

"READY WHEN YOU ARE!"

~~~

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

~~~

A man walked into a dress shop and told the clerk he wanted to buy an evening gown for his wife as a surprise.

"What size?" asked the clerk.

The man shrugged blankly.

Trying to help, the clerk inquired, "Well then, what are your wife’s measurements?"

The man thought for a moment. "Small, medium, and large, in that order."

~~~

Don’t simply retire from something; have something to retire to.

Harry Emerson Fosdick

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

“I haven’t a clue as to how my story will end. But that’s all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don’t conclude the road has vanished. And how else could we discover the stars?”

Author Unknown

~~~

I had a little spare time today so I looked back over my shoulder. What I saw was the places I have been, the people I have known, and the things I have done. What I saw was unchangeable history written in stone. I am sure like yours, my past had its ups and downs, its joy and pain, they are all part of our life journey. My past is written in indelible ink and there is not one entry that I can change in my story. I cannot live in the past even if I wanted to.

When I look ahead I find that all the pages are blank. Each day is a new page that tomorrow will be added to my history. When I started to think of the future in those terms I realized that I have choices. I could stop the adventure and concentrate on writing an epilogue that would be no more than a reiteration of the past. I chose not to do that, I want my epilogue to be written in the minds of those I will leave behind. I want to concentrate on writing pages filled with the new, the things I have yet to learn, people I have yet to meet, and the adventures that await as I continue to break new ground.

I don’t know if it is true that we get wiser as we grow older, but I do believe we get to the point where we can overlook the trivial, ignore those who would run our lives, and settle back and visit all that we missed in the past.

I would love to stay and chat but I have to get back to living my life story, I am the only one who do it.

~~~

Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies.

Ann Landers

~~~

Geographic Driving Techniques

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle.

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male.

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male.

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female.

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another’s car: Colorado.

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn’t hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel:

Las Vegas.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um."

Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn: New Mexico resident.

~~~

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.

Buddha

~~~

An old lady tottered into a lawyer’s office and asked for help in arranging a divorce. 

"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer.  "Tell me, how old are you?"

"I’m eighty-four," answered the old lady.

"Eighty-four!  And how old is your husband?"

"My husband is eighty-seven."

"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"

"Next September will be sixty-two years."

"Married sixty-two years?!  Why would you want a divorce now?"

"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."

~~~

"If you don’t run your own life, somebody else will."

John Atkinson

~~~

Isaac was sitting at a table in his favorite restaurant when he called over his waiter.

"Yes?" asked the busy waiter.

"Are you sure you’re the waiter I ordered from?" asked Isaac.

"Why do you ask?" replied the waiter.

"Because I was expecting a much older man by now," replied Isaac.

~~~

I prefer to describe myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair.

Besides…."stalker" is such an ugly word.  

~~~

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name’s Enoch… Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge… Having a party Saturday… Thought you’d like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’."

"Not a problem… After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ’em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too."

"Damn", Sam thinks… "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that’s not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I’ve been alone for six months!

I’ll definitely be there… By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

~~~

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours – it is an amazing journey – and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”

Bob Moawad

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

Alfred Adler

~~~

As you know I am prone to look at the bright side. I am generally an optimist but some times it is not easy. It seems like everyday we learn of new horrors as people like you and I suffer the ravages of war. How sad it is that the innocent get no chance to vote on their being placed in danger. Men, women, and children starve, are maimed, and killed through no fault of their own. Sadly many justify their immoral actions based on their view of morality.

It hurts me to see so much suffering. Can we all not dedicate our energies to peace? Peace is not a dirty word, it is not appeasement, it is not the result of failure, it is the absence of conflict. Sometimes I wonder if everyone sought peace we might find it.

There is much to be said for Peace on Earth, Goodwill towards Man. I wish we had a place where the warriors and the overly righteous could go and fight their battles so that the innocent could live in peace. Of course that won’t happen, but what can happen is that you and I do all we can to keep as many as possible out of harms way.

I don’t know the answer but I feel the pain, there must be a better way.

~~~

I hope…that mankind will at length, as they call themselves reasonable creatures, have reason and sense enough to settle their differences without cutting throats; for in my opinion there never was a good war, or a bad peace.

Benjamin Franklin

~~~

Words Women Use

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks — this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine."

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don’t care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

GO AHEAD (With Lowered Eyebrows) At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

LOUD SIGH! This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh!" means she wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT’S OKAY! This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That’s Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That’s Okay!" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a "That’s Okay!."

THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.

THANKS A LOT! This goes much deeper than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot!" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh!" Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh!," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

~~~

"The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none."

Thomas Carlyle

~~~

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to have to drive on the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger…."Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I always smile nicely and wave in a sheepish banner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work; that’s 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That, brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass everyday. Statistically, females drive half of these.

That’s 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That’s 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that every single day, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? …. I don’t think so!

~~~

"I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way."

Carl Sandburg

~~~

A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don’t you ever get bitten by the snakes?"

"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.

"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you’re bitten by a snake?"

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."

"What, uh…what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.

"Ma’am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."

~~~

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.

~~~

"You know those shows where people can call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18 percent that say ‘I don’t know’? It costs 90 cents to call up and vote–and they’re voting ‘I don’t know.’  

"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone)… ‘I DON’T KNOW!’ (Hangs up looking proud.)  

"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about."  

Andy Rooney

~~~

Peace is the work of justice indirectly, in so far as justice removes the obstacles to peace; but it is the work of charity (love) directly, since charity, according to its very notion, causes peace.

Thomas Aquinas

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

“The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes.”

Tony Blair

~~~

I am really fortunate; I have so many interesting things in my life. There is travel, learning experiences, writing to you all, service projects, meetings, the list gets pretty large sometimes and I get overloaded. I bet a lot of you do too. My problem is that I am not all that good at managing it all. For example this last week I was given four new opportunities to do something worthwhile, things I really would like to do, my problem is I don’t know if I can fit them all in, and if not what to give up.

I sometimes have a hard time saying no when someone asks me to do something, but for me it is even harder to know what to say no to. I use to try to decide by figuring out where I might be able to do the most good, but too often I found that what I agreed to do really was not my thing, so at least now I try to select things I will enjoy. Anyway that’s my problem not yours. But just in case, here are some ways to say no:

• I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF SEVERAL PROJECTS, let people know when you have accepted other responsibilities, no need to make excuses if you don’t have any free time, no one will fault you for having already filled your plate.
• I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT, you might be uncomfortable with any of a number of issues, the people involved, the type of work, the morale implications, etc. this is a very respectful way to avoid a sticky situation.
• I AM NOT TAKING ON ANY NEW RESPONSIBILITIES, you aren’t saying that you will never help out again, just that you feel your schedule is as full as you would like now, understanding your limits is a talent to be expected.
• I AM NOT THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSON FOR THE JOB, if you don’t feel that you have adequate skills, that’s okay, it’s better to admit your limitations up front is the best way to avoid feeling overwhelmed down the road.
• I DO NOT ENJOY THAT KIND OF WORK, life isn’t about drudgery — if you don’t enjoy it, why do it? Don’t be afraid to let someone know you just don’t want too, someone else is bound to enjoy the work you don’t.
• I HAVE ANOTHER COMMITMENT, it doesn’t matter what the commitment is, it can even simply be time to yourself or with friends or family you don’t have to justify — you simply aren’t available.
• I NEED TO LEAVE SOME FREE TIME FOR MYSELF, it’s okay to be selfish — in a good way! Treat your personal time like any other appointment block off time in your calendar and guard it with your life.
• I WOULD RATHER DECLINE THAN DO A MEDIOCRE JOB, know when you aren’t going to be able to deliver a quality product the reason doesn’t matter — not enough time, wrong skills, etc. whatever the reason is enough for turning a request down.

Of course these don’t help me with what to say know to, and I really don’t like it when I find that a flip of the coin does a better job than I do. But the nice thing about the coin flip is you don’t have to spend too much time analyzing. So here goes, heads…no…no…I mean tails….ok two out of three then………

~~~

“Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.”

 W. Clement Stone

~~~

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~

Learn to write your hurts in sand. Learn to carve your blessings in stone!

~~~

How to Lie to the Bathroom Scales

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner…as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight.  

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.  

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.  

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off…to your advantage, of course.  

5. Always go to the bathroom first.  

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)  

7. Don’t eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you’ve weighed in, completely naked, of course.  

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).  

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)  

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally.  

~~~

The best auto safety device is a rearview mirror with a police car in it.

~~~

There was a small town nestled in a valley which was powered by a dam. One day, the dam broke and flooded the valley. Naturally everyone headed for higher ground. Once everyone reached higher ground, they began scanning the area for people or animals who needed help.  

After a few hours of looking it seemed that every one was safe, except that there was this little straw hat that would bob down stream about a 50 yards and then bob back up stream 50 yards. It would then move to the side and bob down stream and then back up stream… It kept repeating this.  

Nobody could figure out why it was doing this. After awhile of pondering this, a young boy recalled his Granddad saying that come hell or high water he was going to get the lawn mowed.  

~~~

A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.

Elbert Hubbard

~~~

A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.

One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin’s hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief!"

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.

~~~

There’s one thing about baldness…..it’s neat.

~~~

From British Newspapers

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)  

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)  

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed the coastguard and asked them to estimate the wind speed. They replied they were sorry, but they didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)  

~~~

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read and all the friends I want to see.

John Burroughs

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

"What we fear comes to pass more speedily than what we hope."

Publilius Syrus

~~~

I am pleased to be able to offer you a charter membership in SEUF (Society for the Elimination of Unfounded Fear). Weekly dues are a dose of optimism. Meetings are held daily immediately after getting out of bed, all meetings are held via mental telepathy and attendance is mandatory. Each member identifies a fear to overcome that day and they then go out and have a worry-free good day.

In case you need a few worries to ignore, here are some of my favorites:

• “Someone may cheat me so I am going to fear everyone in case it is them.” I would rather have someone cheat me every once in awhile than to treat everyone as a cheater.
• “I have quit traveling, I don’t want to die at the hands of some terrorist.” It is as if we think a terrorist would pick us as the one in a billion persons that something will happen to today. It makes more sense to lock up the car and never drive since the odds are so much greater that something will happen then. If we stop traveling the terrorists will have beat us.
• “I decided to quit going to meetings and parties, I am afraid I might not fit in and someone might not like me.” In my experience most people are not interested in judging us. I have found that by just being myself some people I meet will become my friend and others will just drift away and that is a great selection process. I wouldn’t even want everyone to like me because if they did it would mean I would never be able to just be me and I sure would hate to have missed a friend only because I was not there to meet them.
• “I have something important to say, but I am afraid to say it, what if it is dumb? Anyway I am a poor writer and a lousy speaker.” So what? I have found it is what you say that counts, not how you say it. If everyone kept what they had to say to themselves we would never make any progress. And if I say something dumb I am glad to find out it’s dumb so I can let it go and move on, but most of time it isn’t dumb and learning what others think makes it even better.

If you want to take advantage of this free membership in SEUF just be at tomorrows meeting, the rest of us will be glad you did and I know I will like you even more than I do now.

~~~

"The only thing we have to fear is fear it’self – nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."

FDR – First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1933

~~~

MORTGAGE BANKING DICTIONARY

Borrower:  Otherwise intelligent consumer who believes lender should kiss him on both cheeks and give him the money – without all this credit report nonsense.

Closer: This person’s only job is to salvage forty or fifty emergencies at the last moment of every end of month.  This person is rarely sane.

Closing Date :  Put into purchase contracts to give the closer fits of hysterical laughter.

Credit Report:  Basis for advanced creative writing by Processor and buyer since white-out doesn’t work any more.

Escrow Officer :  A humorless individual who is only truly happy when they can blame the late closing on the lender.

Fannie Mae:  Government agency run by ex-stripper.

Freddie Mac:  Type of hamburger consumed in cars by loan officers.

Ginny Mae :  Type of alcoholic beverage consumed in large quantities by mortgage employees.

Good Faith Estimate:  Standard document which a loan officer presents to the buyer to confuse them further.

Loan Application:  Document which mysteriously causes amnesia to the borrower concerning income, credit, bills, and ex-spouses.

Loan Officer :  Highly qualified financial analyst who typically developed these skills while selling used cars or encyclopedias.

Processor:  Overworked, underpaid person who collects the garbage received from the loan officer and transforms it into a real loan.  These individuals are known to consume massive amounts of candy, popcorn, and cookies.

Rate:  This figure is always higher than the buyer’s uncle thinks it should be.

Realtor :  Highly trained professional who nevertheless has trouble figuring out how to subtract the down payment from the sales price to get the loan amount, but has no trouble figuring exact commission without a calculator.

Underwriter:  Conscientious employee otherwise known as "God". Their most difficult task is responding to loan agent’s explanations of poor credit and income history while maintaining a straight face.

We need further information:  We lost your file.

Your loan is in committee:  The underwriter/Processors are having a three margarita lunch and we can’t find them.

~~~

"A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to."

Granville Hicks

~~~

An award should go to the gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded flight was cancelled due to a mechanical problem. The airline left a single customer service agent with the monumental task of rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way past everyone else in line to the front of the counter. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said "I HAVE TO BE ON THIS FLIGHT AND IT HAS TO BE FIRST CLASS!!"

The agent replied, "I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to help you but I’ve got to help these folks first, then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the other passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone and made the following announcement "May I have your attention please" she began, her voice echoing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 17."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F#&*! YOU..!!!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at the airline.

~~~

"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."

Ellen DeGeneres

~~~

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn’t easy," admitted the young lady, "but 3 girls helped me catch him."

~~~

A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme?’" she asked.  

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."  

"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.  

"I don’t think so," replied the man, "but it’s as close as I want to get."  

~~~

Perhaps the most important thing we can undertake toward the reduction of fear is to make it easier for people to accept themselves, to like themselves.

Bonaro W. Overstreet

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

There are three things that are certain in life: death, taxes and change.

You can’t avoid change, it’s mandatory, progress however is optional.

Bill R. Good, Jr.

~~~

I had lunch today with one of my favorite people. She had just returned from Israel where she attended a conference in preparation for a graduate class on Middle East conflict that she will teach in the fall. As often happens we worked on solving all the world’s problems and as always happens we didn’t. In the conversation I suggested that too many of us have become so distracted that we have forgotten what constitutes the good life, times in the past when we got along and overcame our differences so we could work together for the common good.

I think we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to not become so distracted that we lose sight of what we might do. I thought about that a little after lunch and decided to share with you something I put in a daily a few years back, here it is:

If you are like I am you sometimes wonder where your memory has gone. Fortunately for me I seem to be able to forget most of the bad things. Names of people I meet often return slowly, many times not until after they pass by. Even little things like standing in front of the refrigerator with the door open wondering why I am there is one of my life’s little adventures. But in the main, I like you, have many memories that I cherish, those that I can pull up in found remembrance of another time. Someone sent me the following awhile ago and I thought we could use the advice. It is our life; we might as well enjoy it. To paraphrase something a friend has often said, if you think you can’t, you won’t.

Do you remember the times when life seemed almost magical? Do you remember those days when you felt as if you were floating on air? Stop for a moment and fill yourself with those feelings of how very good, how very special life can be. Though the events may be distant in space and time, the positive feelings they bring can always be with you. Remember often how good life can be. For the more you remember, the more life you give to your best possibilities.

If you focus your attention on the worries, anxieties, conflicts and shortcomings, those are the things that will grow. Focus instead on how good life can be, and with every moment you’ll be making it better. Look up, rather than down, and you’ll see an infinitely bigger, more positive horizon. Celebrate life’s real and substantial goodness, and that goodness will come to dominate your reality. Take a moment, early and often, to remember how very good life can be. And make the goodness grow ever stronger.

~~~

Desire is half of life, indifference is half of death.

Kahlil Gibran

~~~

I lived in Chicago many years ago, we lived in a third floor apartment and had no garage so we had to park at the curb in front of our building. Sometimes the snow got really heavy, when it did my wife and my kids would shovel out a spot and guard it until I got home from work. It is in that memory that I share this big city tip.

This guy drives up to his house and where he parks is full of snow. So he parks in a nearby parking lot and walks back home to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house. It takes hours to shovel, but finally done, he walks back to the lot to get his car. When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well, upset.  

What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Police sometimes get involved however, when the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this. This guy decides to get creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water of course froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized Popsicle.  

The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it’s yours until spring!"

~~~

Those who wish to sing, always find a song.

Swedish Proverb

~~~

He was a young Pastor, and as usual, he was running late getting into town…. and he was speeding.  

Then to top it off, he looked in the review mirror only to see the lights of the Highway Patrol!  Already late for church and figuring he’d try for leniency, he quickly slapped his Bible on the dash of his car as the trooper walked up to the window and asked to see his drivers license.  

Looking at his name and title on the license, the trooper asked, "You’re a Reverend huh?" The young Pastor affirmed that.  

The trooper then began writing out a speeding ticket and said, "Well, Reverend; your speedometer runneth over."  

As the trooper handed him the ticket and started to walk away, his last comment was, "Oh, by the way…. the Bible on the dash…. nice touch." 

~~~

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

Henny Youngman

~~~

If you need a laugh, read through these Children’s Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children.  

Q: Name the four seasons.   A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.   

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.   A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.  

Q: How is dew formed?   A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.  

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?   A: Keep it in the cow.  

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?   A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.  

Q: What are steroids?   A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.  

Q: What happens to your body as you age?   A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.  

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?   A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.  

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.   A: Premature death.  

Q: What is artificial insemination?   A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.  

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (ergo.,   abdomen.)   A: The body is consisted into three parts— the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.  

Q: What is the fibula?   A: A small lie.  

Q: What does "varicose" mean?   A: Nearby.  

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"   A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?’   A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.  

~~~

"I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it."

Harry Truman

~~~

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland.  

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?  

"Suspicion of anything foreign."

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"I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, ‘Did you know it’s time for your annual check-up?’ No. But now my postman does."

Cathy Ladman

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Good and evil do not befall men without reason.

Heaven sends them happiness or misery according to their conduct.

Confucius

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Stay well, do good work, and have fun.