Thanks for doing this for me!
"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up."
Well gang, I will be getting ready to shut down the presses tomorrow so that I can fly off to distant lands. It goes without saying that I will miss you all and I feel especially guilty this time since I will miss two whole weeks of August special events. I can only participate today and tomorrow but I will rest easy knowing you will do your part as the month progresses. I am hoping that you are willing to accept my proxy so I can at least participate in spirit.
Just as a quick reminder here are some of the U.S. August highlights:
Today is World Breast Feeding Day – A word of warning, I learned when I was partnering with UNICEF that this is not for everyone, they are only talking about infants.
This is the first day of International Clown Week – I hope that the people who see me as I travel this week will understand that my behavior is in the spirit of the week, I don’t know how I will explain it next week.
It is also National Night Out Day – I lucked out on this one, we are going out with friends tonight and I suspect we will even be out after dark.
Here are a few of the month long activities:
American Artists Appreciation Month – Take an artist to lunch (note: they are expected to be selected on the quality of their works not on the quality of their looks).
Fall of Empires Month – Actually I think this started when my wife told me in no uncertain terms that I was not an emperor.
Foot Health Month – This one is especially important to me since I so often have my foot in my mouth.
National HAIRitage Month – I am not sure about this one, but if it is what I think it is I don’t need a special month, I think of my lost hair everyday
Psychic Month – You know what I think about this…..I knew you did.
Romance Awareness Month – I am at the age where I need to be made aware of romantic events since I often don’t recognize them when they happen, and trust me that is not a good thing.
Autumn Semester Begins – I don’t understand this at all, when I was a kid autumn was much later in the year, what did I miss?
Anyway thanks for holding the fort while I am gone. In fact I am so grateful that I will consider what you do as being in support of Be Kind to Ray, year.
"The better part of one’s life consists of his friendships."
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to fuss, "Where did you get that car???!!!
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents? "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to panic and asked. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don’t know her name; they just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother to the boys father, "John, you go right up there and see what’s going on."
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary.
The secretary took his money and left him after they had arrived.
He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.
So I did."
"Strangers are just friends waiting to happen."
TOP TIPS FOR LIFE
- Don’t waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
- Men: When listening to your favorite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
- Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
- Ladies: If invited to a fancy party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the hostess will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.
- Homeowners: Don’t hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.
- Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send the stranded driver on his way.
All I want is a LITTLE more than I can spend!
For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn’t help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
I went to see Pavarotti once and I’ll tell you this much, he doesn’t like it when you join in.
Danny said to his son, "It’s time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you’ve never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat.
You’ll be preoccupied and won’t be able to think of anything else."
"But don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal … it’s called golf."
Jim told his buddy, Bill, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."
Bill asked, "Oh? Why do you wonder about that?"
Jim replied, "Well, somebody married my ex-wife this week!"
A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken.
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
Stay well, do good work, and have fun.
Indianapolis, Indiana, USA
Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.
The editor is somewhat senile.