Ray's musings and humor

Archive for December, 2011

It won’t be long now

Then sing, young hearts that are full of cheer,

With never a thought of sorrow;

The old goes out, but the glad young year

Comes merrily in tomorrow

Emily Miller

Here we go again, tomorrow we will be saying good bye to 2011 and get ready to welcome 2012. This year has included its share of problems, periods of sadness and probably more challenges then we needed. I lost some dear friends as well as a few neighbors and acquaintances. I would have preferred my having less medical incidents with time passing a little slower than it did.

But you know what, in spite of it all it was a good year. Our savings shrunk a little but we have enough and much more than most people around the world. My health suffered some setbacks but the recuperation and recovery has left me better off than I was last January. All in all the new friends I have made, the new things I have been allowed to do and the new things I have experienced have helped me to realize that my life is really very good.

I do miss those who have passed on, especially my friend Peter, but I have reserved a special place in my heart where I store their memory. I occasionally visit them there and I am warmed by what I find. I am fortunate though that while their chairs may now be empty there have been many new friends to keep my life vibrant and full.

It was a little more than eleven years ago when I sent out my first Daily to just a few friends never dreaming it would ever get the readership it now has. As I have told you in the past, doing the Daily requires me to think and take stock of my life almost every day and that has been a blessing. It was not until recently that I realized that retaining all the Dailies since the beginning is like having a journal that I can look back on and savor at another time.

So tomorrow at midnight, if I haven’t fallen asleep I will put the bad memories of last year to rest and the build on the good memories as 2012 opens to let me into what I plan to be another really good year. Before we go today I want to wish you the happiest of New Years and I look forward to all we are going to do in 2012.

Here is a Happy New Year piece I would like to offer you. I did not write it, I don’t know who did, but it is my wish for you.

 

May the stars carry shine upon you,

May the flowers fill your heart with beauty

May hope forever wipe away your tears,

I wish you the very best with a year full of happiness

May you achieve all that u wish for…

Wishing you many wishes for the New Year

Have a great 2012 ahead

Happy New Year 2012

~~~

What the New Year brings to you will depend a great deal on what you bring to the New Year.

Vern McLellan

~~~

A Jewish Prayer for the New Year

May we get a clean bill of health from our dentist, our psychiatrist, our ophthalmologist, our cardiologist, our gastroenterologist, our urologist, our proctologist, our gynecologist, our podiatrist, our plumber and the IRS.

May our hair, our teeth, our facelift, our abs, our honey cakes, and our stocks not fall and may our blood pressure, our triglycerides, our cholesterol, our white blood count, our weight and our mortgage interest rates not rise.

May we find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour and when we get there, may we find a parking space.

May we all relax about the third millennium of the common era, and realize that we still have 239 years until the down of the sixth millennium of the Hebrew calendar by which time the computer will be long since obsolete and so will we.

May we be awestruck by God’s sense of humor as we realize that a professional wrestler could have become president of the United States and that an Orthodox Jew has risen to prominence in American politics while remaining true to his Jewish roots. It is my belief that God’s joyous humor is the reason he really does not want us to touch our toes while exercising or he would have put them further up our bodies; and, the reason so many of us take up jogging is to hear heavy breathing again.

May what we see in the mirror delight us and what others see in us, delight them. May someone, as well as God, love us enough to forgive our faults, be blind to our blemishes and tell the world about our virtues.

May the telemarketers wait until after we finish dinner to call us. May our checkbooks and budgets balance and may they include generous amounts for charity.

May we remember to say “I love you” at least once a day to our spouse, our child, our parent, all of our significant others but not our boss, our intern, our nurse, our masseur, our hairdresser or our tennis instructor.

And may the Messiah come this year, and if he does not, may we live as if he has, in a world at peace, with awareness of God’s love in every sunset, flower, baby’s smile, lover’s kiss, and every wonderful astonishing beat of our heart. May we smile and laugh throughout the year.

~~~

‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house

Not a garment would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I’d nibble, the eggnog I’d taste

At those holiday parties went straight to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber)

And thought of the marvelous meals I’d prepared;

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese

And the way that I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”

When I put on my extra-large husband’s old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt–

I said to myself, as only I can,

“You can’t spend the winter disguised as a man!”

So–away with the last of the sour cream dip!

Go, fruitcake! Go, cookies! Go, cracker and chip!

Each last bit of food that I like must be banished

‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have that ice cream, not even a lick;

I’ll chew only on a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or cornbread, or pie;

I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore–

But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

~~~

“Let us leave behind sadness, regrets and painful moments and have a new start full of joy this new year”

Shelly Panika

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

How fortunate we are

The tragedy of life is in what dies inside a man while he lives – the death of genuine feeling, the death of inspired response, the awareness that makes it possible to feel the pain or the glory of other men in yourself.

Norman Cousins

 

As I was thinking about the approaching year’s end I decided I would look back to the Daily’s I wrote on December 29th in years past. My plan was to see what might trigger a new inspiration or reminded me of something I thought was important. When I read the Daily that I wrote seven years ago after the horrific events in Asia I decided that I could not express my current feelings any better than I did then. Here is what I wrote on December 29th 2004.

 

Tsunami deaths top 50,000

Guardian Unlimited UK

Death toll in what may be world’s costliest natural disaster rises

The Malaysia Star, Malaysia

‘They are hungry’

The Globe and Mail, Canada

Rescuers predict death toll of 60,000

NEWS Australia

‘Where are my children? Where are they?’

Chicago Sun Times

~~~

As we end our year many of us will reflect back on 2004. It is often too easy for us to want more, feel sorry for ourselves, and find it easy to find fault in our lives. If you are like I am you will have spent this morning in a warm home, had plenty to eat, knew where your loved ones were, and at worst might have been inconvenienced by the weather. By contrast put yourself in the place of those who have lost their lives, their families, their homes, their livelihoods, and more in the tragedy that has befallen South Asia.

I mourn the loss of the innocent; they might have been my children, my brothers and sisters, or the friends that I cherish. It is times like this that I truly appreciate each of you and those that I hold dear, we are the lucky ones.

I would hope that this year we would count our blessings and ignore our minor setbacks. I honestly believe that if we take stock of all of our advantages we will understand just how fortunate we really are. Let us appreciate our good fortune, help others, and build upon our good works as we make 2005 our best year yet.

~~~

Retirement Center Pickup Lines

“What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like…where exactly are we again?”

“Yes, I’m 92… but I have the body of a 78-year-old.”

“Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire pools. Your blue hair, too.”

“Hey babe, looking for a good time? How’s about coming home with me and…Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z.”

~~~

“Sometimes it’s important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it’s essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow.”

Douglas Pagels

~~~

In the Admitting office of our hospital, some patients were filling out forms, others were being interviewed and still others were being escorted to their rooms. An elderly woman, obviously not sure of where she should be, hesitatingly entered my cubicle.  She had completed the admitting forms and, upon my request, handed me her insurance cards.  I typed the necessary information and then asked her the reason for her coming to the hospital.

“I’m here to just visit a friend,” she said, “but all this has taken so long, I’m not sure I have the time now!”

~~~

Wisdom is oftimes nearer when we stoop than when we soar.

William Wordsworth

~~~

GRANDKIDS DO MAKE SENSE, AT LEAST TO GOD.

Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing in there now. Amanda

Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce

Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.  Janet

God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison

Dear God, Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita

Dear God, I bet it’s very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy

~~~

If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.

~~~

Mike: Do you remember first meeting your wife?

John: Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I’d never allow her near the gutter again.

Mike: Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her.

John: Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling.

~~~

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

~~~

The following sign hangs in a local garage: AUTO REPAIR PRICE LIST:

Ping-Ping-Ping…..$35.00

Plunk-Ping-Plunk…$50.00

Klunk-Ping-Klunk…$125.00

Thud-Klunk-Thud….$200.00

Clang-Thud-Klank…$325.00

~~~

My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie’s house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

“But, Mom,” he said, brightening, “you don’t have to worry about buying another one. Charlie’s mom said it was irreplaceable.”

~~~

The individual is capable of both great compassion and great indifference.

He has it within his means to nourish the former and outgrow the latter.

Norman Cousins

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Time Marches On

One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.

John Burroughs

One thing we procrastinators have learned is that the deadlines don’t slip and it is not long before the wall in front of you looks a lot bigger than it did from far away. Right now I hear the footsteps of the approaching New Year with a strong desire to not let it roll over me before I make a commitment to make 2012 my best year yet.

I was planning on listing a set of resolutions even knowing that in the past they have slipped away far too easily. I do have some serious commitments I feel I want to make and in some cases must make, such as:

  • Sustained weight loss.
  • Regular exercise.
  • Realizing my limitations and using the capabilities I do have to the best of my ability.
  • Being selective in my commitments while exceeding my colleague’s expectations.
  • Being more understanding of the changes that accompany my wife, mine and my friends aging processes.
  • Focusing on being friendly and kind to all I meet while continuing to acquire new friends.
  • Appreciating what I have and not worrying about what I don’t have.

There will be more of course but you get the idea. After reading an article written by author William Anderson on Goals versus Resolutions I have decided to heed his advice. Here is an excerpt from the article he wrote:

This year, instead of making resolutions that you know are destined to fail, sit down and put to paper what you’d like to have happen if your efforts produced the results you want.

* If you knew this would be your last year on earth, what would you want to make sure that happens, no matter what? Write it down.

* If you were to live to a ripe old age, what do you need to do this year, to make sure your ripe old age is as healthy and happy as possible? Write it down.

* Are there relationships to be made, relationships to be repaired? Unsaid things that need to be said? Write them down.

* Are there things you’ve loved doing that you haven’t been doing? Singing, dancing, painting, gardening, hobbies, going to clubs and organizations you’ve liked? Write them down.

* Are there trips you’d like to take, or a vacation long overdue? Write it down.

* Are there good things you haven’t let yourself have because you’ve not felt ready or deserving? Maybe you’re ready. If you make efforts at the right things, you absolutely are deserving. Write it down.

* If you were to pay attention to all your needs, body, mind and spirit, what would you have yourself do? Write it down.

Don’t be vague about what you’d like in your life. Admit your desires and goals. Write them down. Usually, the only things that happen by accident are accidents. So, be clear. Identify where you’d like to go. Expect some good things. Maybe you’ll get lots. Imagine life unfolding for you this year in better ways than ever before. You’re older, wiser, moving forward in time and life, toward new potentials that are your birthright, a creative being in a creative world. Make a list and put it in a safe place.

Now, take this list of dreams out every once-in-a-while to review and dare to imagine them happening. Think of what you can do this month and this week to help bring them about. Let your heart desire what it needs and let it get excited about tomorrow. Celebrate every step forward. Respond to any reverses with renewed intent until moving forward becomes the entrenched habit.

~~~

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.

Benjamin Franklin

~~~

Reasons why I never visit my rich friend:

Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and…..

Question : “What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino,or Coffee?” Answer: ” Tea please”

Question : ” Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea,Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Iced tea or green tea ?” Answer : “Ceylon tea ”

Question : “How would you like it ? black or white ? Answer: “white”

Question: “Milk, or fresh cream? Answer: “With milk ”

Question: “Goat’s milk, or cow’s milk” Answer: “With cow’s milk please.

Question: ” Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?” Answer: “With sugar”

Question: ” Beet sugar or cane sugar?” Answer: “Cane sugar ”

Question:” White, brown or yellow sugar?”

Answer: “Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead.”

Question: “Mineral water, tap water or distilled water?” Answer: “Mineral water”

Question: “Flavored or non-flavored?” Answer: “I think I’ll just die of thirst!!!!

~~~

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Rita Rudner

~~~

“I noticed you always carry my photo in your handbag. Why?” a husband asked his wife.

“When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem always disappears,” she said.

The man smiled. “You see how good I am for you?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said. “I see your picture and say to myself, ‘What other problem can there be that is worse than this one?'”

~~~

“One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.”

George Carlin

~~~

A blonde is complaining to her friend what a horrible day at work she had; her boss had a heart attack and died!

Her friend says, “Why, that’s terrible! What did you do?”

The blonde shakes her head and says, “There was nothing I could do. He kept yelling at me to call 911, but he wouldn’t tell me the rest of the numbers!”

~~~

In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior.

Sir Francis Bacon

~~~

An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, “Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you’ve been giving to Mrs. Smith.”

“Oh, he did, did he?” the doctor shot back. “And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor’s orders?”

The old man says, “Since he found out I’ve been on birth control pills since February.”

~~~

Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn’t have it in the beginning.

Mahatma Gandhi

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Happy Everything!

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” Wishing you happiness.

Helen Keller

 

I have a friend who owns and runs a catering company that she named “Happy Everything.” As I think about the current season I realize how appropriate Happy Everything is, we celebrate Hanukah, Christmas, Kwanza and the New Year over just a couple of weeks. Rather than look at our differences the period provides us all the opportunity celebrate our own traditions while honoring those of others. In that spirit I wish each and every one of you “Happy Everything.” Let us all pray that we can use the season as a springboard into a new year with more peace in our world, less pain and suffering and food and shelter for those who have spent most of their lives much less fortunate than we have been. For each of you personally I hope that you find that next year will be the best year you have ever had.

I thought this would be a nice time to know a little bit more about what we celebrate so here is a gift we can give to ourselves, better understanding.

 

Hanukah

 

The origins of Hanukah or the Festival of Lights are an event that happened 200 years before the birth of Christ. A king named Antiochus attempted to have all Jewish persons under his reign to follow the Greek religion. Under the leadership of Judah Maccabee, there was a rebellion.

After three years of fighting, the Maccabees drove the Greek soldiers away. The Maccabees wanted to rededicate the temple, but were only able to find enough oil for one day. Miraculously, the oil lasted eight days; long enough to make new oil.

An important part of the Hanukah celebration is the menorah. This is a candleholder with eight candles and a shammash or servant candle. One candle is lit by the shammash for each of the night of Hanukah.

After the lighting of the candles, people give gifts to one another. People sing and make merry. A popular food for Hanukah is potato pancakes, or latkes, cooked in oil in honor of the miracle.

Children enjoy playing the dreidel game. This is a top game played with nuts or gold-covered chocolate coins. There are four letters of the top which stand for nun, gimmel, hay, and shin and give the directions for what to give or take during the game. The letters also stand for “nes gadol hayah sham” or “a great miracle happened there.”

 

Christmas

 

In the Seventeenth century the Puritans did not celebrate Christmas. December 25 was a workday. In the late 1700’s, Christmas was once again a happy holiday. The Colonists decorated their fireplaces with greenery, sung carols, and feasted. No one, however, had a Christmas tree.

In 1823 Clement Moore wrote the poem “A Visit From St. Nicholas.” Saint Nicholas or Santa Claus began to play a big part in the celebration of Christmas.

In the 1840’s. German immigrants introduced the Christmas tree. This decoration became a major part of the Christmas tradition.

In the 1890’s, Victorians decorated their trees and homes with lots of lace, flowers, and glass ornaments. Sending Christmas cards became popular during this time.

Today, we combine old and new traditions to celebrate Christmas in a way that is meaningful to our family and friends.

 

Kwanza

 

Kwanzaa is an African-American holiday created in 1966. It begins on December 26 and lasts through January 1. The name Kwanzaa come from the language of Swahili and means first fruits of the harvest.

To prepare for the holiday, families decorate their homes with Kwanzaa symbols. They place a mkeka, a straw mat, on the table. Corn (one ear for each child in the family) and other foods are placed on the mkeka to remember the earth’s abundance.

Candles are placed in a kinara, a wooden candle holder. A black candle is placed in the center as a reminder of the richness of African-Amercan skin. Three red candles represent struggles and three green candles represent a prosperous future. A candle is lit for each day of Kwanzaa. The black candle is lit first, then red and green candles are lit alternately.

There are seven priciples of Kwanzaa, one for each day. They are Umoja or Unity, Kujichagulia or Self-Determination, Ujima or Collective Work and Responsibility, Ujamma or Cooperative Economics, Nia or Purpose, Kuumba or Creativity, and Imani or Faith.

~~~

“This is my wish for you: peace of mind, prosperity through the year, happiness that multiplies, health for you and yours, fun around every corner, energy to chase your dreams, joy to fill your holidays!”

D.M. Dellinger

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Thank you Annie!

If we have the opportunity to be generous with our hearts, ourselves, we have no idea of the depth and breadth of love’s reach.

Margaret Cho

 

Years ago author O’Henry wrote a short story about a young wife who sold her long and beautiful hair to a wig maker so she could buy a watch fob for her husband who as I recall had sold his watch in order to buy his wife a silver comb for her beautiful hair. It was a moving story that showed that the Christmas spirit lives in the hearts of even those who are poor and in this case it was the love associated with the gift that was the true gift and not the tokens presented.

What reminded me of this story was what one of my favorite people told me this morning. My friend is a single mother with a young daughter who decided they were going to help a less fortunate mother and daughter have a brighter Christmas this year. I linked her up with a community center where I am a board member to help her locate someone she could meet who could use a Christnas friend. They their new friends yesterday, a mother with an older daughter. My friend reported that the mom was so moved by the gesture and the gifts that she was given that she cried. You see my friend had gone to the trouble of getting a wish list of things her new friends needed or wanted so that she would be sure the gifts were something they would use.

I was interested in what my friend gave them from their list that so moved the mother to grateful tears. And do you know what it was? It was household paper products and supplies, my friend also added a Wal-Mart gift card in order for them to get whatever other necessities they may need. My friend and her daughter, like the couple in the O’Henry story expressed their love for others through these simple gifts. For me the even greater message is that those of us who have so much often we ask for luxuries at Christmas while others are grateful just to have the barest necessities of life.

A few years ago my friend Annie made a life changing commitment to enrich her and her daughter’s lives through both understanding and caring for others. I am a benefit of that decision, she has given me the gift of her friendship.

~~~

“It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.”

Mother Teresa

~~~

She told me why SANTA CLAUS must be a WOMAN!

Most men wouldn’t be caught dead wearing red velvet.

Men don’t even think about selecting gifts until after lunch on Christmas Eve.

Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.

If Santa were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and Chia Pets, still in the bag from the mall.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened by having to be seen with all those elves.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowl full of jelly.”

Having to do the “Ho Ho Ho” thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up chicks.

And last but not least, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment!

~~~

“I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up… they have no holidays.”

Henny Youngman

~~~

A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, “Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?”

The Pope considers for a moment, and says, “I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you.”

The next day the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, “My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape.”

“And what’s the bad news?” asks the man.

“You tee-off tomorrow morning,” the Pope replies.

~~~

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

David H Comins

~~~

A lawyer was cross-examining a witness:

“You have just testified that you heard the shot at exactly 11:32 p.m.? How did you know what time it was? Did you look at your watch?”

“No,” the witness said. “I looked at the sundial in the garden.”

“That’s absurd,” screamed the lawyer. “How could you tell time by a sundial at 11:32 at night?”

“I had a flashlight,” the witness said.

~~~

How do I know anything really exists? Kick it *really* hard.

~~~

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day.

While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, “Grandpa, they didn’t have a whole lot of problems with all  these diseases when you were young did they?”

Grandpa replies, “Nope.”

The teen says, “Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?”

Grandpa replies, “A wedding ring.”

~~~

Soccer is the only game you can say “We killed them 2-0.”

~~~

A young woman meets her old, retired, parish priest and when he asks her how she is, she bursts out crying.

“What’s the matter child?” he asks.

“Oh, Father,” she says, “it’s my boyfriend. He won’t marry me because I’m Roman Catholic.”

“There, there child. Here’s what you do. Explain to him the faith of the Church, the traditions, the ceremonies and the rites. That’ll bring him around.”

Tearfully, the young woman says she’ll try it. About a year later they meet again, and again she bursts into tears when he asks how she is doing.

“Is it your boyfriend, child?” he asks. “Yes, Father.”

“Did you explain about the Church as I suggested?”

“Yes, Father,” she says, “but that was the problem. He was so taken by it that he’s now studying to be a priest.”

~~~

“A smile is the universal welcome.”

Max Eastman

~~~

“George is so forgetful,” the sales manager complained to his secretary. “It’s a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch and I’m not sure he’ll even remember to come back.”

Just then, the door flew open and in bounced George.

“You’ll never guess what happened!” he shouted. “While I was at lunch, I met old man Brown, who hasn’t bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!”

“See,” sighed the sales manager to his secretary. “I told you he’d forget the sandwiches.”

~~~

A generous man forgets what he gives and remembers what he receives.

Old Proverb

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Thanks Carla and company

What fits your busy schedule better, exercising one hour a day or being dead 24 hours a day?

Randy Glasbergen

 

In yesterday’s Daily I suggested that this was a good time of the year for us to inventory our blessings, rethink our desires, and recognize the challenges ahead. As I was thinking back over the last six months I again realized how much more important the non-material things in life are than the material things we accumulate. As I thought about it I realized how important my Cardiologist and his support staff have been to me. I especially appreciated how tenacious they were in securing approval for me to enter into a cardiac rehabilitation program.

I am so fortunate to be participating in a program staffed by qualified professionals who are also warm and caring as they lead and motivate those of us they serve helping to improve our health while laying the foundation for ongoing healthy habits. I just had my tenth session out of the planned thirty three and my blood pressure is down while my stamina is on the way up. I am again feeling pretty good and I am relearning why I liked exercising in the past. I wish I had not demonstrated my failing intelligence by ever letting my health provide me excuses for not doing more. I plan on doing better in the future.

I really should have heeded the advice of the Mayo Clinic as suggested in the following peace

Exercise

Want to feel better, have more energy and perhaps even live longer? Look no further than exercise. The health benefits of regular exercise and physical activity are hard to ignore. And the benefits of exercise are yours for the taking, regardless of your age, sex or physical ability. Need more convincing to exercise? Check out these seven ways exercise can improve your life.

No. 1: Exercise controls weight – Exercise can help prevent excess weight gain or help maintain weight loss. When you engage in physical activity, you burn calories. The more intense the activity, the more calories you burn. You don’t need to set aside large chunks of time for exercise to reap weight-loss benefits. If you can’t do an actual workout, get more active throughout the day in simple ways — by taking the stairs instead of the elevator or revving up your household chores.

No. 2: Exercise combats health conditions and diseases – Worried about heart disease? Hoping to prevent high blood pressure? No matter what your current weight, being active boosts high-density lipoprotein (HDL), or “good,” cholesterol and decreases unhealthy triglycerides. This one-two punch keeps your blood flowing smoothly, which decreases your risk of cardiovascular diseases. In fact, regular physical activity can help you prevent or manage a wide range of health problems and concerns, including stroke, metabolic syndrome, type 2 diabetes, depression, certain types of cancer, arthritis and falls.

No. 3: – Exercise improves mood – Need an emotional lift? Or need to blow off some steam after a stressful day? A workout at the gym or a brisk 30-minute walk can help. Physical activity stimulates various brain chemicals that may leave you feeling happier and more relaxed. You may also feel better about your appearance and yourself when you exercise regularly, which can boost your confidence and improve your self-esteem.

No. 4: Exercise boosts energy – Winded by grocery shopping or household chores? Regular physical activity can improve your muscle strength and boost your endurance. Exercise and physical activity deliver oxygen and nutrients to your tissues and help your cardiovascular system work more efficiently. And when your heart and lungs work more efficiently, you have more energy to go about your daily chores.

No. 5: Exercise promotes better sleep – Struggling to fall asleep? Or to stay asleep? Regular physical activity can help you fall asleep faster and deepen your sleep. Just don’t exercise too close to bedtime, or you may be too energized to fall asleep.

No. 6: Exercise puts the spark back into your sex life – Do you feel too tired or too out of shape to enjoy physical intimacy? Regular physical activity can leave you feeling energized and looking better, which may have a positive effect on your sex life. But there’s more to it than that. Regular physical activity can lead to enhanced arousal for women. And men who exercise regularly are less likely to have problems with erectile dysfunction than are men who don’t exercise.

No. 7: Exercise can be fun – Exercise and physical activity can be a fun way to spend some time. It gives you a chance to unwind, enjoy the outdoors or simply engage in activities that make you happy. Physical activity can also help you connect with family or friends in a fun social setting. So, take a dance class, hit the hiking trails or join a soccer team. Find a physical activity you enjoy, and just do it. If you get bored, try something new.

The bottom line on exercise

Exercise and physical activity are a great way to feel better, gain health benefits and have fun. As a general goal, aim for at least 30 minutes of physical activity every day. If you want to lose weight or meet specific fitness goals, you may need to exercise more. Remember to check with your doctor before starting a new exercise program, especially if you have any health concerns.

~~~

We do not stop exercising because we grow old – we grow old because we stop exercising.

Dr. Kenneth Cooper

~~~

Some of my favorite signs signs:

In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

On a fence: “Salesmen Welcome, Dog food is expensive.”

Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary, we’ll hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarians waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!”

Inside a Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”

In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

In a counselors office: “Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.”

~~~

“I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.”

Steven Wright

~~~

The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters. The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, ‘The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.’ If it’s really him, he’ll answer, ‘Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'”

So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Murphy.”

The bartender replies, “You’re going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There’s Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There’s Murphy the Banker, who’s president of our local savings bank. There’s Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too.”

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.”

The bartender replies, “Oh, you’re looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street.”

~~~

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

~~~

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!”

~~~

Lack of activity destroys the good condition of every human being, while movement and methodical physical exercise save it and preserve it.

Plato

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Enjoy the Season

It is essential to our well-being, and to our lives, that we play and enjoy life.

Every single day do something that makes your heart sing.

Marcia Wieder

 

I am running way behind today but I have been busy. I had a productive consulting meeting with the director of a significant medical education project that will soon take place in Africa. I spent a few hours resolving my problems with the installation of a new large disc drive that will hold my system backups. And I just finished working on a proposal for a major people serving organization. Since I need to start the food preparation for “she who must be fed” I don’t have much time for a new Daily, let’s hope I can find one that you can enjoy from the past.

Ray’s Daily first published on December 20, 2005

Our year is about to end and it does at the height of our holiday season. This is the time of the year when most of us will find enjoyment from those we are with and what we will do. It is also the time when we have the opportunity to put some joy into the life of others. Many will find inspiration coming from their beliefs, others from there humanity. So I hope you can take a little bit of time to make someone else’s life a little better. What a wonderful thing it would be if we all took time out for a week to put our anger, hatred, and selfishness aside and truly had the chance to experience peace on earth and goodwill toward man. Sure, I know it won’t happen, but it will not be because of you and I that it does not.

This is also the time of year when many of us will reflect on the past, we reflect on what was good and what was not good as 2005 slowly slipped away. This is also the very best time for us to inventory our blessings, rethink our desires, and recognize the challenges ahead. As we plan the future we have the opportunity to promise ourselves that next year we will set aside time to enjoy the world around us and what we already have, especially our friends and family. And please above all commit to doing something special for yourself for it is only you that can open the door to personal joy.

I honestly believe that if we chose to be happy, we will be. All we have to do is look around us, there is so much pain in the everyday lives of the billions of people who have no food, medicine, shelter, or safety that we, by contrast should be grateful for everything we have.

Next year each morning as I awake I plan on remembering that I am safe, I am free, and I am alive, and that a new day is beginning and it is going to be one that I will enjoy. You can do it too, and just think if we do it at the same time we will have shared another experience, and shared experiences are always the best kind.

~~~

Enjoy the journey, enjoy ever moment, and quit worrying about winning and losing.

Matt Biondi

~~~

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

~~~

“He had delusions of adequacy.”

Walter Kerr

~~~

Two men were talking. “My son asked me what I did during the Sexual Revolution,” said one. I told him I was captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes.

~~~

Jill:  Mary, what exactly is an “oxymoron”?

Mary:  It’s a phrase made up of contradictory terms, like “deafening silence.”

Jill:  Oh, I get it.  Like “Mr. Perfect”!

~~~

Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought.

Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi

~~~

A young boy enters the barber shop and Bill Soprovitch the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,  “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!!!!”

~~~

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Phyllis Diller

~~~

Ken sent us some “Senior” personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim,5′-4″ (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

~~~

If people weren’t meant to have midnight snacks, then why do they put a light in the refrigerator?

~~~

In a department store, a difficult customer and a patient clerk were having a hard time getting together. Nothing the clerk provided was suitable.

Finally, the finicky shopper said in annoyance, “Can’t you find a smarter clerk to serve me?”

“No,” said the saleswoman. “The smarter clerk saw you coming and disappeared.”

~~~

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

~~~

When I stopped to visit a friend, I found her on the phone with a real estate agent. “That’s a little high!” she exclaimed. “What can I get for less than $500 a month?” The reply was evidently not to my friend’s liking. “I see,” she said abruptly, and hung up.

“What did the agent say you could get?” I asked.

“A car.”

~~~

My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither,

But just enjoy your ice cream while it’s on your plate.

Thornton Wilder

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

It’s a good thing I can’t remember how old I am

The idea is to die young as late as possible.

Ashley Montagu

 

It’s another of those good news bad news days. The good news is that I rang Salvation Army bells for more than five hours yesterday at Lucas Oil Stadium the home of the Indianapolis Colts as they surprised everyone by winning their first game of the season. While I was doing my job out on the concourse and could not see the game the fan’s joy spilled out to where I was and I am sure contributed to how many people put money in my red kettle.

The bad news is that I crashed my external hard drive where I store regular complete system backups. It should not of been a big deal since all I needed to do was go out and buy a replacement after all the sales right now are great. So of course that’s what I did. I got a super wiz bang, huge capacity, high speed drive and even got $50 of the regular price. Since it is plug and play there was not software to install just plug and go, I did, it didn’t. The device manager says it is installed and running well, the only thing is it has no drive letter and does not show up as accessible on windows explorer. The device manager says it’s is there, the diagnostics run and says it is functional but I cannot use backup software to save on a missing drive. I am too tired to keep trouble shooting so I’ll do the Daily and take a nap.

Aging would be easier if your challenges did not exceed your capacity as often as they do. I guess that the frequent realization that life is not always easy is a sign of a long and full life. Sometimes I wish I had not matured quite so quickly.

Oh, I almost forgot. I saw a friend today at the OASIS offices and discovered that he and I started our careers working for the once famous Remington Rand where General MacArthur became the chairman of our board after he left the Army, that was more than fifty years ago. I stayed with the company through numerous mergers and acquisitions and when I retired in 1990 after almost 35 years the company had morphed into UNISYS.

OK now back to aging. Here is a poem that sure reminds me a lot of myself.

A SMILE NEVER AGES

 

The older you get the less you know.

Just ask your kids they will say its so.

Blood pressure up. Arches flat.

Everything you eat just goes to fat.

 

Get out of bed. Move real slow.

Three times a night you have to go.

Caffeine not only keeps you awake –

it makes you pee for heaven’s sake.

 

The world keeps changing

at a hectic pace

causing more gray hair

and a wrinkled face.

 

But as you look in the mirror –

what catches your eye –

is your smile never ages

as the years go by.

 

Tom Krause – Author

~~~

The best thing about getting old is that all those things you couldn’t have when you were young you no longer want.

L.S. McCandless

~~~

“And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you,” said the husband.

“Yes, several,” the wife replied.

“Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed.”

“I did.”

~~~

My wife is so immature, every time I take a bath, she comes in and sinks my little boats.

~~~

The following are actual medical records taken from patients charts around North America.

* The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

* Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

* Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

* She is numb from her toes down.

* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

* Patient was alert and unresponsive.

~~~

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions that your wife asks for nothing.

~~~

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application.

The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn’t answer the question about the cause of death of his father.

The salesman wanted to know why.  After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.

The salesman pondered for a moment.  “Just write: ‘Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'”

~~~

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

~~~

Her definitions:

ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment)n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

AIRHEAD (er*hed)n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

CANTALOUPE (kant*e*lope)n. Gotta get married in a church.

CLOTHES DRYER (kloze dri*yer)n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

DIET SODA (dy*it so*da)n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee)n. The last two minutes of a football game.

EXERCISE (ex*er*siz)v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

HAIR DRESSER (hare dres*er)n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.

 

~~~

To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be forty years old.

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Sometimes I’d rather be lucky than smart

Go and wake up your luck.

Persian Saying

 

I have had a great week. My rehab is going well and my special assignment took me to the West Baden Springs Hotel (http://www.frenchlick.com/hotels/westbaden) which is an unbelievable place. I have stayed at some truly great hotels both in the U.S. and overseas but this is as good as or better than all of them. The hotel was once called the eighth wonder of the world and if you go to the web page you will see why. The rooms and amenities were fabulous and the service outstanding. In addition the hotel is only about a mile away from the famous French Lick Hotel and Casino and there is shuttle service between both properties. Of course my wife and I both had to visit the casino both days and luckily we both won and brought back more money than we had when we arrived.

My luck continued to be great; today I picked up a powerful Samsung Galaxy Tablet that I won in a recent raffle. It will allow me to leave my netbook, Kindle and accoutrements home when I next cruise. It is ironic that I had just bought the Kindle Fire last week so now I have two tablets, but I like different features on each so I will keep and use both of them for different purposes.

I will have a long day this coming Sunday as I will be ringing bells for the Salvation Army at the Indianapolis Colts game. The game does not start until one in the afternoon but I have to report to the pickup location at nine-thirty and probably will not get home until six in the evening. It will be a big test of my stamina and staying power but I have been doing better, I have gone almost a week without taking a nitro heart pill. The episodes I have had have been mild.

On top of all that we have Hanukah and soon Christmas so my friends remember it is the season to be jolly, by golly. If you feel a grouch coming on take a drink, do a dance, tell a joke, smile and hug someone. Enjoy it all!

~~~

“I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries”

Theodore Isaac Rubin

~~~

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Claven was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went: “Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this.

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the backthat are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and …..health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. “In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers

~~~

Money can’t buy happiness, but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

~~~

A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty.  After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.

With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water.  Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table.  He proudly asked his family, “Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty.”

Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, “Depends if you’re drinking or pouring.”

~~~

Sound travels slowly.  Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don’t reach them till they’re in their 30s.

~~~

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They determined to make a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous trunks, sunglasses, shirts, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

The next day, they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud; you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came, wearing a string bikini this time, walking toward them.

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning, Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said, “Just a minute, young lady.”

“Yes?” she replied.

“We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests?”

“Father, it’s me, Sister Helen.”

~~~

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.

Malcolm Forbes

~~~

An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced…

“It’s a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!”

~~~

Just when you get really good at something, you won’t need to do it anymore.

~~~

She said: My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached.  The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots.

“Tina,” I commented, “I see you got new boots! Where did you get them?”

“At the store,” she answered. “Which one?” I asked.  She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, “Both of them!”

~~~

If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting?

~~~

The other day I went to the bookstore to buy a dictionary. The clerk showed me a really cheap one. I couldn’t find the words to thank him. I did, however, buy a thesaurus. I thought that was very nice, pleasurable, agreeable.

~~~

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”

I don’t know who the author was but I appreciate his putting into words my feelings.

Ray

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Ray is off on another adventure

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

Andre Gide

 

It is late in the evening and I am preparing for a two day special assignment. I am only leaving a skeleton crew behind to watch the store. Since I am pressed for time I am going to once again dip into the archives and select something to send early in the morning. Since I will be out of commission there will be no Daily on Thursday. While I am gone I would appreciate it if you would introduce the programs needed to reduce unemployment by three percentage points, thank you your cooperation.

Ray

~~~

Ray’s Daily first published on December 14, 2004

Never hurry.

Take plenty of exercise.

Always be cheerful.

Take all the sleep you need.

You may expect to be well.

James Freeman Clarke

~~~

Last Thursday afternoon I took plenty of exercise as I walked around the outside of the RCA Dome and our Convention Center. In fact for me it was more than plenty of exercise as I went upstairs, downstairs, and walked more than I had in years. Fortunately when I had completed my journey I was able to crawl to my car. The next day I paid the price as I sat through a long but special luncheon.

On Saturday I attended a Criminal and Juvenile Justice Summit sponsored by our mayor. Unfortunately I was only able to stay for the opening session of the all-day conference. My spirit was there, but my body took me home. Sunday was not much different as I missed two different grandson’s games. Yesterday I met all my obligations as I enjoyed the road to recovery.

The prognosis is great as long as I never hurry, stay cheerful, take lots of naps and avoid walking around large buildings. Just think if I never felt bad I would not know what feeling good really was.

~~~

To be or not to be isn’t the question.

The question is how to prolong being.

Tom Robbins

~~~

Driving styles:

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle.

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male.

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male.

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female.

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another’s car: Colorado.

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn’t hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel:

Las Vegas.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida “seasoned citizen” driver, also known as “no-see-um.”

Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn: New Mexico resident.

~~~

Is there another word for synonym?

~~~

Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body.  After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.

“Sam, you’re in excellent shape for an 85 year old man.  But I’m not a magician – I can’t make you any younger”, says the doctor.

“Who asked you to make me younger, already?” says Sam.  “You just make sure I get older!”

~~~

“For what has been — thanks! For what shall be — yes!”

Dag Hammarskjold

~~~

My two brothers arrived at boot camp together. On the first morning, their unit was dragged out of bed by a drill sergeant and made to assemble outside.

“My name’s Sergeant Jackson,” he snarled. “Is there anyone here who thinks he can whip me?”

My six-foot-three, 280-pound, brother raised his hand and said, “Yes sir, I do.”

The sergeant grabbed him by the arm and led him out in front of the entire group.

“Men,” he said, “this is my new assistant. Now is there anyone here who thinks he can whip both of us?”

~~~

When push comes to shove… somebody’s gonna figure out that “push” and “shove” mean the same damn thing.

~~~

A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively.

“I feel terrible,” she told him.  “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”

“Oh, just forget it,” consoled her husband.  “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”

“Yes, I know.  And it’s lucky you have!” said the woman, drying her eyes.

“I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!”

~~~

So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .

~~~

A few years ago, as a solar eclipse approached, a planetarium director in Southern California sent out warnings to the community about the eclipse. He warned people not to look directly into the sun during the eclipse. Soon after issuing the warning, the planetarium director received an indignant letter from a local resident… The letter read:

“Dear Director Atherton, If an eclipse is so dangerous, you should never have scheduled one in the first place!”

~~~

A man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.

“That’s it! . . .  I can never remember that word!!”

~~~

Wisdom is knowing what to do next;

Virtue is doing it.

David Starr Jordan

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Tag Cloud