Ray's musings and humor

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

It is never too late

“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching”

Gerard Way

 ! 000 enjoy-life-now-this-is-not-a-rehearsal

I am at the age when I hear other folks who have lived long lives say that they wish they had done things in their life that they never tried. I try to remind everyone that life is not over until it is over and there is a lot to be said for having some bucket list plans. I know the later years in a lot of ways have given me the opportunity to enjoy more of my life than I did when I was primarily vocation focused.

If I could change anything I would have put together a bucket list in my twenties and then set aside some time each year to turn a bucket wish into a bucket reality. It seems like it takes us far too long to realize what is important in life, so my friends my advice is that you are never too old and say you are never too young to plan. Don’t just write down your dreams take action and turn some of them into reality.

Here is a story about a lady that I know I would have liked, I think you would too.

I Would Pick More Daisies

Don Herold

When the late Nadine Stair of Louisville, Kentucky, was 85 years old, she was asked what she would do if she had her life to live over again.

“I’d make more mistakes next time,” she said. “I’d relax. I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been on this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I’d have fewer imaginary ones.

“You see, I’m one of those people who live sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I’ve had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I’d have more of them. In fact, I’d try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I’ve been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, and a raincoat. If I had to do it over again, I would travel lighter than I have.

“If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds and I would pick more daisies.”


“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”

Eleanor Roosevelt


More Gravestone Epitaphs

Alright, so I DON’T know anything about brake repair.

It’s downright cold down here.

C’mon, what are the odds of terrorism on a flight to such a peaceful place as Israel?


If winning isn’t important then why keep score?


If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches & pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, though no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friends limited education and never correct him/her,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, or politics,

Then, you are ALMOST as good as your dog..


She said:

Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.


A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears and asked, “Do you think I’ll find Big Bird in here?  “The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, “Do you think I’ll find the Cookie Monster down there?” Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest.  As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, “Do you think I’ll hear Barney in there?”  “Oh, no!” the little girl replied.

“Jesus is in my heart.  Barney’s on my underpants.”


My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips


Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other.

“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way:

‘Take a clean dish…'”


We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they’re still getting in!


A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said “Acts 2:38,” and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn’t move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood. “What did you say to him that kept him from moving?” they asked the woman. She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. “Why did the woman’s quoting scripture scare you so much?” they asked.

“Scripture?” said the burglar, “I thought she said she had an ax and two 38’s.


“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to slide across the finish line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, and shouting GERONIMO!!!”

Bill McKenna


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.


Sometimes we need to let go

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.

Lao Tzu

 ! 000 let-go-1

I was talking to a friend the other day who is suffering from an old malady of mine, obligation overload. My friend is faced with the fact that there are not enough hours in a day to do all that people expect her to do. It often is not easy to do the right thing and say no, yet if we don’t we end up either not doing what needs to be done or we do it badly.

In my friends case it is time to let go of some of her obligations. A few times in the past I had to let go of my relationships and involvement in organizations I supported. It was never easy but it was much better than agonizing over my failures. The secret of course is not getting overloaded in the first place. I wonder sometimes if we don’t fool ourselves into believing that we are so good that something will fail if we don’t do it when in reality if we try to walk on water we will soon drown. In my experience whenever I left a task there was someone there to pick it up.

I have copied some thoughts from an article by Charu Chandra and added them below. I wish I had had his advice many years ago rather than only learning through the mistakes I made by saying yes more than I should have. I have also learned the hard way that what I have does not define me, it is the quality of what I do that does.


Lessons On Letting Go


Letting Go Of Attachment To People Doesn’t Mean You Have To Become A Recluse

My self-identity used to be dependent on the people around me. Most of my actions were aimed at pleasing people and maintaining my social image. I learned that letting go of attachment to people means that you don’t let your sense of identity be affected by the actions and words of anyone, including your loved ones. This way, you are not running away from your loved ones but you are also not saying things like, “Without this person I wouldn’t survive.”

I learned that it is possible to love a person without being attached to that person.

Having Fewer Possessions Makes You Happier

Attachment to material possessions can get dangerously toxic. I used to have a tendency to accumulate more and more. But recently I have moved towards living a minimalistic lifestyle. Things I used to dream of as a boy, such as owning a big mansion no longer excites me (unless I have a big enough family to fill that mansion). I have realized that I feel much happier living with fewer, high quality items which fulfil my needs and not more.

The Past Doesn’t Matter, Nor Does The Future

It is important to realize that yes, we have a say on what happens in the future depending on the actions we take in the present. So it is okay to think about the future when you make decisions right now. But to worry about it is nothing more than a big distraction.

What about the past? Events that occurred in the past are meant to stay exactly there, in the past. However, it is important to learn the lessons that the past teaches us. Other than that, dwelling on the past has no use to us.

It is Easy to Become a Slave to Your Emotions

Just like with attachment to people, letting go of attachment to emotions doesn’t mean you should stop feeling emotions. All it means is that it is OK to feel emotions but it becomes a problem when you let them change your self-identity. For example, if you just suffered a bad break up, you feel pain. And that is OK — it’s part of life. But you shouldn’t let that change the way you think about yourself.

Just like the saying goes, “Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.” Accept the pain and move on.

Another example, when things are going great, you feel very happy. It is okay to feel this too. But the minute you let it turn into pride and start thinking of yourself as superior to others, it’s bad.


Letting go helps us to to live in a more peaceful state of mind and helps restore our balance. It allows others to be responsible for themselves and for us to take our hands off situations that do not belong to us. This frees us from unnecessary stress.

Melody Beattie


** Update your Thesaurus**

coffee (n.), person who is coughed upon.

flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

abdicate (v.), to give up hope of having a flat stomach.

esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

negligent (adj.), condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your underwear.

lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up when run over by a steamroller.

balderdash (n.), rapidly receding hairline.

testicle (n.), humorous question on an exam.

rectitude (n.), formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist before examining you.

oyster (n.), person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

circumvent (n.), opening in the front of boxer shorts.

pokemon (n), Jamaican proctologist.


She said: I’m a Libra. They say I’m indecisive . . . I’m not indecisive! . .  Am I indecisive?


Now then,” said the warden addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot. “I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?”

One of the three men stepped forward, “Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful.”

“I see. And the cell? What did you use to break the bars?”

Replied the spokesman, “Toast….”


A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

 Milton Berle


Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walks a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose tattooed on one breast. One lady leaned over to the other and said, “She don’t know it, but in 50 years she’ll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket.”


If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?


I find it helpful during this political season, as I am inundated with vindictive massages, to remember this quote from Bertrand Russell:

“The degree of one’s emotion varies inversely with one’s knowledge of the facts—the less you know the hotter you get.”


She said:

Never having learned to ride a bicycle as a child, I finally decided to do it in my late twenties. My boyfriend, William, offered to teach me, and we headed to the park for my first lesson. He held on to the seat as I wobbled down a path. My self consciousness was just beginning to disappear when I saw a father, teaching his little daughter to ride a bike, approaching.

As we passed, I was mortified when William said to the dad, “They grow up so fast, don’t they?”


“The beautiful journey of today can only begin when we learn to let go of yesterday.”

Steve Maraboli


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.


Just be yourself

“Comparison is the death of joy.”

Mark Twain

 ! 00 Be-Yourself

You know what I like about us? We are all different and all special. Just think what our life would be like if all our friends and even strangers thought alike, behaved the same way we did and even looked like us. It would be awful. We should not regret our differences but appreciate them.

The worst thing we can do is to try to be the same as someone else; we should spend less time comparing ourselves with others because we think that they are more special than we are. I learned years ago that one of the keys to happiness is to be yourself while working on being who you want to be. I know I have told you before that I decided some time ago to tell folks that what you see in me is what I am and it is as good as I get. I’ll always strive to do the best I can and it is up to others to decide if it is enough but I will not attempt to change into being what someone else wants me to be.

If you heed the following advice you have an excellent chance of becoming your own best friend.

 How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others (and Start Empowering Yourself)


One of the most common and destructive daily habit is to constantly compare your life and yourself to other people and their lives. You compare cars, houses, jobs, shoes, money, relationships, social popularity and so on. And at the end of the day you pummel your self-esteem to the ground and you create a lot of negative feelings within. And perhaps also outside of yourself.

So what can you do? How can you get a handle on this habit?

Well, today I’d like to share 3 steps that have helped me to move away from this – it does take some time though so be patient with yourself – and towards a healthier outlook and view of myself and life.

Just realize that you can’t win if you compare yourself to others.

Just consciously realizing this is helpful. No matter what you do you can pretty much always find someone else in the world that has more than you or are better than you at something. Yes, you may feel good for a while when you get a nicer car than your neighbor. But a week or two later you’ll see someone from the next block with an even finer car than yours.

Compare yourself to yourself.

Instead of comparing yourself to other people create the habit of comparing yourself to yourself. See how much you have grown, what you have achieved and what progress you have made towards your goals. This habit has the benefit of creating gratitude, appreciation and kindness towards yourself as you observe how far you have come, the obstacles you have overcome and the good stuff you have done. You feel good about yourself without having to think less of other people.

You can make this habit stick by for instance taking a few minutes each day or just each Sunday (or any day that fits you) to use a journal to write down how you have grown, how much closer you are to your goals now, what you have overcome and learned and so on. By doing so your thinking will over time shift and your thought patterns will automatically become more focused on comparing you to you rather than to other people.

Be kinder towards other people.

In my experience, the way you behave and think towards others seems to have a big, big effect on how you behave towards yourself and think about yourself. Judge and criticize people more and you tend to judge and criticize yourself more (often almost automatically). Be kinder to other people and help them and you tend to be kinder and more helpful to yourself.

So focus your mind on helping people and being kind. Focus on the positive things in yourself and in the people around you. And appreciate what is positive in yourself and others. This way you become more OK with yourself and the people in your world instead of ranking them and yourself and creating differences in your mind. You are OK and so are they.


“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.”

Lao Tzu


A Jewish girl brings her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for schnapps.

“So what are your plans?” the father asks the fiancé.

“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.

“A Torah scholar,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”


You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.


Dear Marty,

I have been unable to sleep since I was responsible for braking off your engagement to my daughter.  Will you forgive and forget? Please?

I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose.  I now realize motorcycles aren’t really that dangerous at all, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never-ever, held a job. Whatever possessed me?… I am truly sorry!

I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too.  Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship.  After all, you can’t learn everything about life from books now-a-days, can you? I sometimes forget how backward I can be.  Boy, oh boy, I was sooo wrong.  I was a fool.  But, Marty, I have now come to my senses, and you now have my full blessing to marry my daughter. Go for it!


Your future father-in-law.

P.S.  Congratulations on winning the lottery!


Take my advice, I’m not using it!


A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, watcha’ gonna do about it?” he says menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears. “Come on, man,” the biker says, ” I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy. “I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don’t have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me. “So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. “I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!”


“The easiest thing to be in the world is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don’t let them put you in that position.”

Leo Buscaglia


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.


Hate Poisons

Hatred is self-punishment.

Hosea Ballou

 ! 000hate_not

Is it just me or do you also think there are more hateful comments coming from ordinary folks these days compared to years ago when things seemed to be more civil? I know there were those who were hate mongers in the past but I don’t remember it being easy for the people I knew to make the kind of comments that I hear these days about politicians, folks not like us, the wealthy, the poor, the young, the old, the list goes on.

It seems like it has become too easy to make thoughtless comments about others. Is it because it is easier to blame than understand? My concern is that the airways and general society are condition our kids to think that putting people down shows ones superiority when in fact it does the opposite.

I like most folks have at one time or other said something in the heat of the moment that was cruel and unfounded only to pay a price for my behavior and learned that regret does not heal those we hurt.

These are hard times for many folks and we need each other more than other, the worse thing we can do is unfairly criticize folks that are probably more like us than we know.

I got the following story from the Well Being blog that I think is appropriate today.

The Fence

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily, gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said “you have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.” You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there. Make sure you control your temper the next time you are tempted to say something you will regret later.

Author Unknown


This world of ours… must avoid becoming a community of dreadful fear and hate, and be, instead, a proud confederation of mutual trust and respect.

Dwight D. Eisenhower


She said: Diamonds are a girl’s best friends. Dogs are man’s best friend. So which is the dumber sex?


The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”


I had amnesia once or twice. I think.


One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions; disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, and skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

“A penny for your thoughts.” she whispered in his ear.

“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!”


A person who smiles in the face of adversity…probably has a scapegoat.


A stalwart Vermont farmer bought some land that was still just as it had been before the Pilgrims landed.  He dug up hundreds of stones and built a fence; cut down trees to create a clearing; built a house and a small barn; cleared land for pasture, dug a well and over several years just generally worked his fingers to the bone in creating a small, neat, productive farm.

Eventually his pastor came out for a visit and marvelled rather fulsomely, and at great length, at all that “you and God have done together.”

“Eh,” the farmer said dubiously.  “Ya shoulda seen the place when God ran it on his own.”


A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.


Another success tip:

Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the casual observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.


“What do batteries run on?”

Steven Wright


The kid’s advice to the pastor:

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh


Whoever said “You can’t keep a good man down” didn’t own a couch.


During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: “Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone.” Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, “I was thinking someone from maintenance!”


“Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.”

Will Smith


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.


Thanks Trudy

Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.

Henry James

 ! 0 good_1_

Yesterday I had lunch with a special friend. She is an accomplished artist and has created a series of paintings depicting life in my city. She is also a respected councilor how has helped many people find joy in their lives. In addition my friend is a humanitarian and philanthropist. Yep, a really special person.

I don’t get to see her often but when I do I know I am in for stimulating conversation with some sage advice and shared wisdom. I love her sense of humor and her understanding of what is really important in people’s lives. Her personal philosophy and life view has resulted in her helping people who only existed, often with pain, to become folks who find happiness in their lives.

As I reflected on our hour together I remembered this piece written by Michael Josephson, that could have been written by my friend.

What Will Matter

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.

Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear. So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to do lists will expire.

The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.

It won’t matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.

It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought but what you built, not what you got but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage, or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.

What will matter is not your memories but the memories that live in those who loved you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident. It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.


“Don’t be too hard on yourself. There are plenty of people willing to do that for you. Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do. Even mistakes mean you’re trying.”

Susan Gale


Letters of Recommendations for Employees

For the chronically absent:

“A man like him is hard to find.”

“It seemed his career was just taking off.”

For the office drunk:

“I feel his real talent is wasted here.”

“We generally found him loaded with work to do.”

For an employee with no ambition:

“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.”

“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

“He consistently achieves the standards he sets for himself.”

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:

“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:

“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”

“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”


“Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.”

William Safire


Little Johnny and his friend were always boasting of their parents’ achievements to each other.

Friend: ‘Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?’

Little Johnny: ‘Yes, I have’

Friend: ‘Well, my father dug it.’

Little Johnny: ‘That’s nothing, have you ever heard of Dead Sea?’

Friend: ‘Yes, I have.’

Little Johnny: ‘Well, my father killed it.


“My Dog Can Lick Anyone”


This was written by a class of 8 year olds

  • A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other peoples. A grandfather is a man grandmother. Grandfathers don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
  • They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also don’t step on “cracks.” They don’t say, “Hurry up.”
  • Grandmothers don’t have to be smart. They have to answer questions like, “Why isn’t God married?” and, “How come dogs chase cats?”
  • When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.
  • Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.


“My wife’s found the best method of birth control. She takes off her make-up.”

Rodney Dangerfield


Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued. Whether you’re going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are. 

Anne Lamott


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.



If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness. It will change your life mightily.

Gerald Good

 ! 0 be-grateful

A week or so ago I sent out a note to friends thanking them for helping my Kiwanis Club make a difference in the lives of hundreds of children in my community. Because of fruit and snacks provided by my fellow members kids who have no permanent living arrangements and who have little go home each day with something to eat. There are kids standing on corners in frigid weather in warm coats and shoes because our club bought them winter gear at Christmas. The list could go on but you get the idea. What my friends did and are doing again is donating items and even cash to support our annual dinner and silent auction that helps us raise the money we use to build a better life for those we can help. So you can understand why I am grateful that my friends help us help others.

As I look back over the last twelve months with the serious medical challenges I had I have more than enough reason to be grateful to all that helped me back to health. I am also grateful for the many who stepped in to do what I might have done if I had been able. Over the past few years I have come to have a greater appreciation for the folks that are always there offering a helping hand when needed and friendship during both good and bad times, So my friends, thanks, I am so glad I know you.

One of the positive things you can do for yourself is to decide that you will make gratitude a priority in your life. If you do the world will seem brighter, friendships will be reinforced and new ones belt and you will have a great antidote for the negatives that often bog us down. Here are excerpts from a Zen Habits article that can help if you want to get more enjoyment through your appreciation of others.


How to Live a Life of Gratitude

The thing is, simple acts of gratitude don’t cost you much (especially once you get over the initial discomfort some people feel with thanking others). But they can make a huge difference. If you’re interested in living a life of gratitude, here are my suggestions:

  • Morning gratitude session. Take 2-3 minutes each morning to give thanks, to whoever or whatever you’re grateful for. You don’t have to do anything, other than close your eyes and silently give thanks. This one act can make a huge difference.
  • Say thank you. When someone does something nice for you, however small, try to remember to say thank you. And really mean it.
  • Call to say thanks. Sometimes you might think about something nice that someone did for you. Perhaps you remember during your gratitude session. When you do, pick up the phone and call the person, just to say thanks. Let them know what they did that you’re grateful for, and why you appreciate it. Takes a minute or two. If it’s too early to call, make a note to call later. Even better is telling them in person, if you happen to see them or if they’re on your route. Almost as good is a thank-you email — keep it short and sweet.
  • Give thanks for “negative” things in your life. There’s always two ways to look at something. Many times we think of something as negative — it’s stressful, harmful, sad, unfortunate, difficult. But that same thing can be looked at in a more positive way. Giving thanks for those things is a great way to remind yourself that there is good in just about everything. Problems can be seen as opportunities to grow, to be creative.


Do not take anything for granted — not one smile or one person or one rainbow or one breath, or one night in your cozy bed.

Terri Guillemets


He said he is glad he is a guy because:

He doesn’t have to clean his apartment if the meter reader is coming.

He can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me.”

He doesn’t don’t mooch off other’s desserts.

He can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, we just might become lifelong friends.

I am not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

I am unable to see wrinkles in my clothes.


“This customer service job would be a breeze if it weren’t for all these whiney, pushy, complaining, help-me-now, customers.”

Todd Loushine


English is not an easy language. Something that’s close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.

“The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.” — A sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby.

“Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.” — From an advertisement by a dentist in Hong Kong.

“It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.” — A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest.

“Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily.” — A sign in a hotel in Athens.

“The manager has personally passed all the water served here.” — A sign in an Acapulco hotel.


Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued.


Sally had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys “shot” his mother and yelled, “Bang! You’re dead!” She slumped to the ground and when she didn’t get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, “Shhh. Don’t give me away. It’s the only chance I’ve had to rest all day”.


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield


She said that at:

Age 3: Looks at herself and sees a Princess!

Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella / Sleeping Beauty.

Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella / Sleeping Beauty / Cheerleader; or if she is PMSing, sees Fat / Pimples / UGLY (“Mom, I can’t go to school looking like this!”).

Age 20: Looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly” — but decides she’s going out anyway.

Age 30: Looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly” — but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it, so she’s going out anyway.

Age 40: Looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly” — but says, “At least I’m me,” and goes out anyway.

Age 50: Looks at herself and sees “I am” and goes wherever she wants to go….the hell with the doctors.

Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore.  Out she goes unafraid of the world, seeks new experiences.

Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability.  Goes out and enjoys life….. and enjoys being her.

Age 80: Doesn’t bother to look.  Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

Maybe we should all grab that purple hat a little earlier.


The world has enough beautiful mountains and meadows, spectacular skies and serene lakes. It has enough lush forests, flowered fields and sandy beaches. It has plenty of stars and the promise of a new sunrise and sunset every day. What the world needs more of its people to appreciate and enjoy it.

Michael Josephson


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.



The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.

William James

 ! 01 stress

I missed a couple of appointments and opportunities over the last few months that disturbed me and has taught me I have to manage myself a little better. So I am in the post-it note, computer alerts and smart phone reminder mode these days. One missed appointment took me nearly to stressful concern, a place I have trained myself to avoid over the years.

My stress avoidance has not come from any magic formula, ancient chant or mystical secret but rather from learning some years back that most things that stressed me out were really not that important. Regret sometimes sure, but agony over what had happened and that was now the past, never. Stressing over the past never ever helped anything, it only created lingering discomfort.

So now when I blunder, as I do more than I wish I did, I take notice of what it was and why it happened so that I can do whatever I can to try not to repeat the happening. So I write lots of notes to myself, sometimes with admonitions to be more careful but never with recriminations that only hurt.

So are you a stress avoider like I am? If not you might benefit from the tips included in this article written by stress management expert Elizabeth Scott, M.S.

Stressful Day? Here’s How To Feel Better

Stop Stressful Days In Their Tracks–Every Day Can Be A Better Day!

  • Take A Meditation Break – A well-timed meditation session can feel like a mini-vacation when you’re having an overwhelming day. Regular meditation brings cumulative benefits, but even a five-minute meditation can help put you in a better frame of mind so that whatever stressors come, you’ve got them handled.
  • Use Reframing Techniques – Sometimes stress is all in how you look at it! If you see something as a threat vs. a challenge, for example, it will bring more stress. If you’re catastrophizing, ‘shoulding all over yourself’, or unwittingly using other cognitive distortions to add to the stress of your day, stop. (Hint: these cognitive restructuring techniques can help!)
  • It’s Okay To Say No – Sometimes we have One Of Those Days because we have so many commitments stacked up on each other that one false move leads to a string of minor crises. One way to avoid doing this is to only take on commitments that are really important to you and directly help you fulfill your most valued goals, like ‘keep my job’ or ‘be a good parent’. It’s important to learn how to say no to other more periphery commitments, even if people will be disappointed.
  • Locate A Supportive Shoulder – Sometimes it helps just to have a sympathetic ear or an active listener to tell your troubles to, to ‘get it out of your system’, or to feel validated and supported. If you are someone who does better with the supportive ear of a good friend (and can avoid rumination when telling your tale), then go for it! Research on coping styles shows that social support can be a wonderful stress release, and can lower cortisol levels as well. So let your friends help you, and you can return the favor when your friend has One Of Those Days in the future.
  • Have A Sense of Humor – Laughing in the face of stress is a good way to rob it of its power. And, fortunately, there are other benefits of laughter as well. Practice maintaining your sense of humor on an overwhelming day and the world laughs with you!
  • Just Breathe – A quick and effective way to feel much less stressed anytime, anywhere? Breathing exercises! Try taking a few deep breaths right now, and see how much more relaxed you can be. Then you can reverse your body’s stress response, improve your mood, and press ‘restart’ on your bad day. Or at least suck some of the stress right out of it!


Most important thing in life is to be happy. Don’t stress over the little things and learn to believe in the positives. Remember that it is up to you. Don’t let others bring you down.

Robert Boughter


This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)

  1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
  2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
  3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
  4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
  5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
  6. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
  7. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
  8. The seventh amendment is “Thou shalt not admit adultery.”
  9. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
  10. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  11. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
  12. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  13. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  14. When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
  15. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
  16. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”
  17. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
  18. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
  19. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
  20. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
  21. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
  22. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


Help beautify our dumps. Throw away something pretty.


News from the British papers:

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said, “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.” (The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, “This sort of thing is all too common”. (The Times)


I can resist anything but temptation.


After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops. “People,” he said, “I’ve just been informed that we’re going to be having a fire sale.”

“A fire sale?” spoke up one agent.  “But we sell insurance.”

“I said a fire sale, and I meant it,” he replied rather coldly. “Anyone who doesn’t make a sale gets fired….”


Sometimes it’s important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it’s essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow.

Douglas Pagels


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.


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