Ray's Daily

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”

Anthony Robbins

So what can I tell you has happened since yesterday. First I guess I should bring you up to speed on my personal effort to finance the total Central Indiana medical community. As I may have mentioned I was diagnosed as having a bladder infection a week or so ago. I went on the antibiotics, had lots of vials of blood drawn my primary doc decided if they were going to check on one thing they might as well check everything. I think she did it since I don’t see her as often as I see my other docs. Anyway the blood results were pretty good but since I still had some problems I was off to my Urologist, where he examined the inside of my bladder using what I am sure was a hot poker and knitting needles to get inside, he denied that though. The results were pretty good so next is an ultrasound check of my plumbing on Thursday, of course that is after my blood thinner test tomorrow to adjust my blood medication. As you can see I lead an active social life, it is just that I get mixed up sometimes since so many of them wear white coats and rubber gloves.

I was really pleased this morning when I checked my e-mail. There was a message from my favorite cruise concierge who is currently at sea on RCL’s Serenade of the Seas. I have not sailed with Moritza for a few years yet we still stay in touch. She is a special lady who comes from South Africa. We have sailed with her a few times and it is always a delight.

I also got e-mail from a couple of Washington colleagues from my Kiwanis/UNICEF days. I miss seeing them. They did so much for our projects and I value them as friends. You know that I often get overloaded with e-mails, especially spam and junk, but I am more than willing to put up with the trash as e-mail has kept so many relationships in place that I am sure would have been lost in the past. I am especially pleased when I hear from a friend.

~~~

“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.”

Elisabeth Foley

~~~

THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY…

-Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!  

-Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.  

-Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?  

-Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.  

-Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?  

-There go the lights again…  

-Ya’ know… there’s big money in kidneys… and this guy’s got two of ’em.  

-Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!  

-Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing my concentration off.  

-What’s this doing here?  

-I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.  

-That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!  

-Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.  

-Sterile, shcmerle. The floor’s clean, right?  

-What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?  

-OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.  

-This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?  

-Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?  

-Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.  

-What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!  

-FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!  

-Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!  

-Isn’t this the one with the really lousy insurance?  

~~~

Bad Spellers of the world UNTIE!

~~~

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.  

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.  

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."  

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"  

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."  

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.  

"Thought he was having his picture taken."  

~~~

A bird does not sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song.

Chinese proverb

~~~

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.  

Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"  

~~~

A good laugh is sunshine in a house.

William Makepeace Thackeray

~~~

As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was concerned about one of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but he had a problem taking orders. One day I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for me.  

"Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid," I told him, "just say, ‘Yes, sir.’ But in your mind, think, ‘You’re an idiot!’ Will this work for you?"  

He smiled at me and replied, "Yes, sir!"

~~~

The days are too short even for love; how can there be enough time for quarreling?

Margaret Gatty

~~~

Employer: "Where did you receive your training?"  

Applicant: "Yale."  

Employer: "Great, what’s your name?"  

Applicant: "Yim Yohnson."  

~~~

George Washington’s brother was the uncle of our country.

~~~

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.

Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning, the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

"Give this to your husband," he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He’s been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

~~~

If a man be gracious to strangers, it shows that he is a citizen of the world and his heart is no island cut off from other islands, but a continent that joins them.

Francis Bacon

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

Character is doing the right thing when nobody’s looking.  There are too many people who think that the only thing that’s right is to get by, and the only thing that’s wrong is to get caught.

J.C. Watts

As most of you know I was scheduled to work at a Salvation Army Radiothon this weekend which I did Friday and Saturday from 6 AM until noon. On Saturday there were major storm warnings posted that were in effect until late Sunday. My good friend Hope was working with me Saturday and was concerned that with my current health conditions it was best that I did come in Sunday morning and even though she was not supposed to work that she would come in for me. Well she did and also recruited her cousin to come with her. I am thankful that she did not only for my sake but when she got in Sunday morning no other volunteers had made it because of the storm, so her and her cousin along with assistance from some Salvation Army staff members took care of about a dozen phones. I am truly lucky to have friends like Hope.

I am again grateful to the Salvation Army for letting me volunteer to help. The people I talked to on the phone were warm and caring. I also was able to renew some old friendships with volunteers and staff and I was especially pleased to be able to make some new friends. This activity is one of the highlights of my year and that is especially so this year since I have had to miss so many similar opportunities due to my temporary health problems.

I think I told you before that I am not a very religious person but I am a great fan of the Salvation Army. During a lull in the call in activity the other day I thought about what it would be like in my city if the Salvation Army were not here. Where would so many homeless go for shelter? How many of the addicted would never return to society for lack of caring help? How many kids would stay cold for lack of warm clothing? I thought of all the children who would not have a Christmas present if it were not for the Army and its volunteers. I also remembered the stories told to me by people of how welcome the Salvation Army canteen was when they were forced out of their homes because of a disaster. And there is so much more that they do. I think too many of us take the Salvation Army for granted; we only see them when they are ringing bells at Christmas time asking us to give a dollar or two to help finance their work. The rest of the time most of us don’t see what they do each day for us. We may not be served directly but we all are served indirectly, just think what our city would be like if they did not do what they do.

~~~

If we are ever in doubt about what to do, it is a good rule to ask ourselves what we shall wish on the morrow that we had done.

John Lubbock

~~~

Infamous Quotes Of State Troopers

"So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you yet another ticket."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those ‘two beers’?"

~~~

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

~~~

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It’s the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"

"No." replied the Managing Director indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

~~~

"I wish I were telepathic. Not just to read people’s minds, which would be cool, but to cut down on my cellular phone bill."

Paul Wiley

~~~

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails.  He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied.  "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."

~~~

Why do they report power outages on TV?

~~~

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman’s work! But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren’t so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn’t wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn’t work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

~~~

I’d rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.

George Burns

~~~

The old man had died.  A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your pa."

~~~

"Teach a parrot the terms "supply and demand" and you’ve got an economist."

Thomas Carlyle

~~~

On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they’d have dessert waiting for them when they returned.

After they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded, "we could vacuum."

~~~

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life, you will have been all of these.

George Washington

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

The important thing is this:

To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.

Charles DuBois:

I think I may have mentioned before that we have had a taxpayer revolt in our state. Some people in my city saw huge jumps in their property taxes due to reassessment and there were similar situations in other parts of the state. Some of the problem was due to an archaic government system that has been in place for a century or more. Our local taxing bodies are so numerous and fragmented that the public does not even know who to blame so of course they take it out on the most visible office holders even though the bulk of the taxes are outside of their control. It gets even worse when administration after administration defers needed projects leaving deteriorating infrastructure, huge debt service, and failing systems. And then to top it all off when some one comes in and does something about the problems they get blamed for trying to fix the problems.

The crisis was so great this time that the Governor appointed a blue ribbon bi-partisan commission to review the situation, they released their recommendations yesterday. It was a breath of fresh air; they recommended elimination of duplication, simplified delivery systems, some semblance of manageable home rule, and a major reduction in the number of units of government, along with consolidation where it made sense. Not only would their recommendations significantly reduce the cost of government it would also allow the public the opportunity to identify where the money was being spent and who was spending it.

A great thing, right? Unfortunately I think the chance of even a small number of their recommendations being implemented is slim to none. We, the public, always wait until it is too late to make things happen. In this case too many office holders would lose their jobs, too many patronage opportunities would be lost, and too many vested interests would lose their advantages. So who will show up at public hearings, they will, who will lobby the legislature, they will, who will have the courage to stand up and vote to change the status quo, few will. And where will we the public be, we’ll be standing on the sidelines not paying attention just waiting for the next election. And who will be our choices in the next election, it will be the candidates slated by the parties or elected in the primaries. And who will be at the slating sessions and who will vote in the primaries? The vested interests will. And who will the elected officials protect? They will protect their supporters, those who have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo. Few of those elected will have the courage to stand up and vote to stop this craziness. Meanwhile most of us will complain, we won’t try to understand what is going on and in effect we will give our democratic voice away to those who show up.

Sorry for the long diatribe but our system is broken and unless people like you and I pay attention and then take intelligent action we will leave our children something that may very well be irreparable.

~~~

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.

Raymond Lindquist

~~~

A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and fifty words about an automobile. She submitted the following:

"My uncle bought a second-hand automobile. He was riding in the country when it busted up a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The other two hundred are what my uncle said when he was walking back to town, but they are not fit for publication. "

~~~

Just pray for a tough hide and a tender heart.

Ruth Graham

~~~

He said: My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn’t in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she’d phone back later.  

At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.  

The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I’m sorry," I said, "she’s left for the day. May I take a message?"  

"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?" 

~~~

I can resist anything but temptation.

~~~

Ponderisms;

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement..

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

~~~

The worst thing about censorship is ****************** ********.

~~~

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It represents a candle’, he said.

‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’

Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And  just what do those symbolize?’

The man replied, ‘These are Carols.’

~~~

Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man’s superiority to all that befalls him.

Romain Gary

~~~

We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker.

Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist? she asked. "It would always be, ‘Better like this or like this’"?

~~~

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

~~~

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you’ll be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.  

Arthur Gordon

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

“There are only two kinds of men:

The righteous who believe they are sinners, the sinners who believe they are righteous.”

Blaise Pascal

I think the thing I like best about people I admire is how truthful they are to themselves. Have you noticed how the really smart people find it easy to admit they are wrong. To them truth is worth finding instead of closing their minds to alternatives. It is refreshing to enter into conversations with people who share their thoughts while keeping an open mind.

Unfortunately way too many people seem to feel that they must always be right. They are the ones who always know all of the answers, if we disagree with their belief they think there is something wrong with us. Frequently they use prejudice or hidden motives to color their thinking without realizing that their answers are based only on things that justify their beliefs and any fact that is in opposition is rejected since it must be wrong.

I have a hard time with people who know they are always right, especially when they are not. As you know the world looks different when you can see it clearly instead of looking at it through colored glasses. I prefer to just say thanks and goodbye than to listen to them justifying themselves. Bullheaded they may be but worth spending time with, I think not.

It is too bad that some people seem to feel they must provide rationalization for their behavior no matter what they do. How many times do you hear people give excuses not support a church or charity when in truth all they have to say is I just don’t want to give. I find that those who are self confident and open minded don’t offer excuses, they do what they think is right and if they find that they are wrong they willingly change.

Me, I would rather be found wrong and find out that I am so I can change instead of trying to convince others that I am right when I am not. And you know what? being right all the time is not all that important. So if you are always right, I am glad but please don’t stop and tell me so, I’d rather spend time with people that make mistakes, they are far more interesting.

~~~

“Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.”

Peter T. Mcintyre

~~~

A friend of mine was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors and memorized those two words.

When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

The audience was shocked. He didn’t know whether he had offended them or perhaps, they hadn’t heard him or understood him. So, he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish, he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"

~~~

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.

~~~

I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought an old boat, a trailer and a motor from me.

"Thanks," he said as he loaded them up. "I’m planning to resell them."

Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them for months. But when I ran into him a few weeks later, he’d sold everything.

"How did you manage that"? I marveled.

"I took out an ad: ‘Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.’ When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor. He said no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage. Bought that, too!"

~~~

"It’s the tragedy of the world that no one knows what he doesn’t know — and the less a man knows, the more sure he is that he knows everything."  

Joyce Cary

~~~

What Not To Say To A Cop

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.  

2. Sorry, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t on.  

3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?  

4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me!  

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.  

6. Bad cop! No donut!  

7. You’re gonna check the trunk, aren’t you?  

8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school instead.  

9. I pay your salary.  

10. That’s terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.  

11. Is that a 9mm? It’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum!  

12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You’re a trained specialist?  

13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.  

14. That gut doesn’t inspire too much confidence; bet I can outrun you.  

15. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?  

16. Is it true people become cops because they’re too dumb to work at McDonald’s?  

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.  

18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around–That’s how far they are ahead of me.  

~~~

The smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention.

Unknown

~~~

A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she didn’t have an account with them. When the teller asked for some identification, the woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a current library card.

The teller told her they needed a driver’s license, but the woman said she didn’t have one.

"Don’t you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked, politely.

"Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet.

Pointing to the people in the picture she says proudly,

"See right here….that’ s me in the back row."

~~~

Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.

~~~

A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.  

One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill’s henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord.  The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief!"  

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.  

~~~

“Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

“In time of sickness the soul collects itself anew”

Latin Proverb

It has been another one of those “Ray’s at the doctor” days. This time it turns out I have a severe bladder infection that has taken me down temporarily. So I am on the meds, resting, and taking a thinking hiatus. So you know what that means, we again dip into the past. Sorry about that.

~~~

December 6, 2000

Big John tells us that they say this is the day that Santa Claus died, in 342 or 345, or at least that is what we think we know about St. Nicholas of Myra.

His reputed generosity and the 1822 poem by Dr. Clement Moore, "A Visit From St. Nicholas" did a lot to inspire our modern version of the jolly old man.

Count your blessings instead of your crosses;

Count your gains instead of your losses.

Count your joys instead of your woes;

Count your friends instead of your foes.

Count your smiles instead of your tears;

Count your courage instead of your fears.

Count your full years instead of your lean;

Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.

Count your health instead of your wealth.

~~~

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

~~~

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine – this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling…. and I’ll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I’ll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

1. Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right… real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll call you back!

~~~

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.

Catherine Aird

~~~

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.  One day he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line.  You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose.  You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.’"

The actor is thrilled.  All day long, before the play, he’s practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came.  The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the director was steaming – "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened?  Did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director.  "You forgot the rose!"

~~~

A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time.

~~~

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." 

The Rabbi asked, "What’s wrong?" 

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." 

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" 

The man then pleads, "I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?" 

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what.  Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know." 

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" 

The man anxiously says, "Yes." 

"Take the poison !" 

~~~

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"

The father answered immediately, "I don’t know. No male has lived that long yet."

~~~

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

~~~

She said "here are some of the rules,"

Call.

Don’t lie.

If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."

Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"

Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is bad.

Ordering for me is good. Telling me what I want is bad.

Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

~~~

Q: How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.

~~~

A man is visiting a mental home and sees a group of inmates sitting in a circle. As he gets close one of them shouts, "128" and all the others start to laugh!

He asks the nurse with him what’s going on and he explains that they have all been together so long that they know the jokes off by heart, so to save retelling them all the time they numbered them and just say the number!

The man thinks this is a good idea and although he doesn’t know the jokes asks if he could try it!

The nurse says, "Why not, go ahead!"

So the man shouts, "10"

Nothing, absolute stoney silence! So the man says, "What’s wrong, wasn’t that joke funny?"

And the nurse says, "It wasn’t that, it’s just the way you told it!"

~~~

”UNLESS someone like you cares an awful lot,

nothing is going to get better. Its’ not.”

-Dr. Seuss

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.