Ray's musings and humor

Archive for December, 2007

Tell them you love them!

You don’t choose your family.

They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.

Desmond Tutu



I am sorry about no daily yesterday and a late one today, especially since there will only be one or two more for a few weeks since I’ll be away after Christmas for awhile.

This is a special time of the year for us all; it is a time for us to truly appreciate what we have and especially those dear to us. In that spirit I want to share with you something my friend Jack sent to me last spring.


I ran into a stranger as he passed by,

"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.

He said, "Please excuse me too;

I wasn’t watching for you."

We were very polite, this stranger and I.

We went on our way and we said goodbye.


But at home a different story is told,

How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,

My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.

"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.

I didn’t realize how harshly I’d spoken.


While I lay awake in bed,

God’s still small voice came to me and said,

"While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use,

but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,

You’ll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.

He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,

you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."


By this time, I felt very small,

And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;

"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"

He smiled, "I found ’em, out by the tree.

I picked ’em because they’re pretty like you.

I knew you’d like ’em, especially the blue."

I said, "Son, I’m very sorry for the way I acted today;

I shouldn’t have yelled at you that way."

He said, "Oh, Mom, that’s okay.

I love you anyway."

I said, "Son, I love you too,

and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."


Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.


The great gift of family life is to be intimately acquainted with people you might never even introduce yourself to, had life not done it for you.

Kendall Hailey


The boyfriend said, "We’re going to have a GREAT time Saturday.  I’ve gotten three tickets for the big game."

"Why do we need three?" asked the girl.

"They’re for your Father, Mother, and kid sister." he replied.


I got my IQ test results back, they were negative.


The officer pulled me over for speeding.  I explained that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.

But rather than letting me off, he wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, "Congratulations.  The first year is paper, right?"


When you learn not to want things so badly, life comes to you.

Jessica Lange


*A Man’s Guide to What A Woman Is Really Saying*

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE…..  without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?… we haven’t had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA’S FINE…..  you cheap slob!

I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW…. I just don’t want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?… I can’t believe you have nothing planned.

I LIKE YOU, BUT…… I don’t like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN…. you never listen.

I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE…. I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I’LL PAY FOR MYSELF…. I’m just being nice; there’s no way I’m going dutch!!


Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.


A little son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time the rite of baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub.

The first kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family cat rebelled. It struggled with him, clawed and tore him, and got away.

With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony. But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face.

Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on the floor in disgust and said: "Fine, be an Atheist."


Father grumbling to his two boys as he reluctantly gets ready for an evening out:

"Other kids make their mothers too tired to want to go out — but not you two."


Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Houston, Texas prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a quick peek at it and address him by name.

Once, during a check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Houston, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."


On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery.

There I was…surrounded by trees and bushes.


As you look to finish selecting the rest of your holiday gifts you might want to consider these from an unknown author.

To your enemy, forgiveness.

To an opponent, tolerance.

To a friend, your heart.

To every child, a good example.

To all, charity.

To yourself, respect.


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.


Merry Christmas Charlie

“Happiness is anyone and anything that’s loved by you.”

Charlie Brown



I am rushing around today and soon will be picking up friends to go out for dinner and to the Indianapolis Symphonies Christmas show. It is that time of year when we all seem to have more to do than time to do it. My timesaver for the day is the daily I wrote on December 19th, 2000, here it is.


Inspirational writer Earl Nightingale used to tell a story about a little boy named Sparky.  Most of the world knows him as the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip, the late Charles Schulz.

"For Sparky, school was all but impossible. He failed every subject in the eighth grade.  He flunked physics in high school, getting a grade of zero. Sparky also flunked Latin, algebra, and English.

"He didn’t do much better in sports. Although he did manage to make the school’s golf team, he promptly lost the only important match of the season…He never once asked a girl to go out in high school. He was too afraid of being turned down…Sparky was a loser. He, his classmates…everyone knew it…"

Sparky eventually grew up and recreated his life in the character of a little boy named Charlie Brown.  And while Charlie always stayed a lovable loser, Sparky went on to become one of our most successful and admired cartoonists.

Just about everyone feels like a loser at some point in life. At these times, it might help to think of Sparky, to think of Charlie Brown, to think of the great Charles Schulz.

Earl Nightingale as quoted in Bits and Pieces


I had the good fortune to have had cocktails with Mr. Nightingale many years ago. He was a truly inspiring guy. One of my favorites of his is "treat everyone you meet as the most important person in the world, for to himself he is." It is amazing what good things happen when we stop and do just that.


The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.


1) They have limited memory 

2) You must tell them specifically what you want them to do 

3) You must repeat instructions several times 

4) There is no guarantee they will do as you want them to 

5) They lose things 

6) Adding items can be difficult 

7) Networking is unpredictable and problematic    

8) They throw temper tantrums 


If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?


"And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you," said the husband.

"Yes, several," the wife replied.

"Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed."

"I did."


My wife is so immature, every time I take a bath, she comes in and sinks my little boats.


The following are actual medical records taken from patients charts around North America.

* The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

* Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

* Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

* She is numb from her toes down.

* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

* Patient was alert and unresponsive.


A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions that your wife asks for nothing.


The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application.

The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn’t answer the question about the cause of death of his father.

The salesman wanted to know why.  After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.

The salesman pondered for a moment.  "Just write: ‘Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.’"


Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.


A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.  Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.  Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who I haven’t seen in a long time."     

"That’s a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother!’?  It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.  So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.  "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."


Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.


Her definitions:

ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment)n.

A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

AIRHEAD (er*hed)n.

What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

CANTALOUPE (kant*e*lope)n.

Gotta get married in a church.

CLOTHES DRYER (kloze dri*yer)n.

An appliance designed to eat socks.

DIET SODA (dy*it so*da)n.

A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee)n.

The last two minutes of a football game.

EXERCISE (ex*er*siz)v.

To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.


I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.

Charles Dickens


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

What’s Up?

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”

Anthony Robbins



So what can I tell you has happened since yesterday. First I guess I should bring you up to speed on my personal effort to finance the total Central Indiana medical community. As I may have mentioned I was diagnosed as having a bladder infection a week or so ago. I went on the antibiotics, had lots of vials of blood drawn my primary doc decided if they were going to check on one thing they might as well check everything. I think she did it since I don’t see her as often as I see my other docs. Anyway the blood results were pretty good but since I still had some problems I was off to my Urologist, where he examined the inside of my bladder using what I am sure was a hot poker and knitting needles to get inside, he denied that though. The results were pretty good so next is an ultrasound check of my plumbing on Thursday, of course that is after my blood thinner test tomorrow to adjust my blood medication. As you can see I lead an active social life, it is just that I get mixed up sometimes since so many of them wear white coats and rubber gloves.


I was really pleased this morning when I checked my e-mail. There was a message from my favorite cruise concierge who is currently at sea on RCL’s Serenade of the Seas. I have not sailed with Moritza for a few years yet we still stay in touch. She is a special lady who comes from South Africa. We have sailed with her a few times and it is always a delight.


I also got e-mail from a couple of Washington colleagues from my Kiwanis/UNICEF days. I miss seeing them. They did so much for our projects and I value them as friends. You know that I often get overloaded with e-mails, especially spam and junk, but I am more than willing to put up with the trash as e-mail has kept so many relationships in place that I am sure would have been lost in the past. I am especially pleased when I hear from a friend.


“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.”

Elisabeth Foley



-Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!  

-Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.  

-Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?  

-Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.  

-Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?  

-There go the lights again…  

-Ya’ know… there’s big money in kidneys… and this guy’s got two of ’em.  

-Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!  

-Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing my concentration off.  

-What’s this doing here?  

-I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.  

-That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!  

-Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.  

-Sterile, shcmerle. The floor’s clean, right?  

-What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?  

-OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.  

-This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?  

-Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?  

-Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.  

-What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!  

-FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!  

-Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!  

-Isn’t this the one with the really lousy insurance?  


Bad Spellers of the world UNTIE!


Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.  

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.  

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."  

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"  

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."  

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.  

"Thought he was having his picture taken."  


A bird does not sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song.

Chinese proverb


Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.  

Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"  


A good laugh is sunshine in a house.

William Makepeace Thackeray


As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was concerned about one of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but he had a problem taking orders. One day I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for me.  

"Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid," I told him, "just say, ‘Yes, sir.’ But in your mind, think, ‘You’re an idiot!’ Will this work for you?"  

He smiled at me and replied, "Yes, sir!"


The days are too short even for love; how can there be enough time for quarreling?

Margaret Gatty


Employer: "Where did you receive your training?"  

Applicant: "Yale."  

Employer: "Great, what’s your name?"  

Applicant: "Yim Yohnson."  


George Washington’s brother was the uncle of our country.


As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.

Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning, the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

"Give this to your husband," he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He’s been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"


If a man be gracious to strangers, it shows that he is a citizen of the world and his heart is no island cut off from other islands, but a continent that joins them.

Francis Bacon


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

Thank You

Character is doing the right thing when nobody’s looking.  There are too many people who think that the only thing that’s right is to get by, and the only thing that’s wrong is to get caught.

J.C. Watts



As most of you know I was scheduled to work at a Salvation Army Radiothon this weekend which I did Friday and Saturday from 6 AM until noon. On Saturday there were major storm warnings posted that were in effect until late Sunday. My good friend Hope was working with me Saturday and was concerned that with my current health conditions it was best that I did come in Sunday morning and even though she was not supposed to work that she would come in for me. Well she did and also recruited her cousin to come with her. I am thankful that she did not only for my sake but when she got in Sunday morning no other volunteers had made it because of the storm, so her and her cousin along with assistance from some Salvation Army staff members took care of about a dozen phones. I am truly lucky to have friends like Hope.

I am again grateful to the Salvation Army for letting me volunteer to help. The people I talked to on the phone were warm and caring. I also was able to renew some old friendships with volunteers and staff and I was especially pleased to be able to make some new friends. This activity is one of the highlights of my year and that is especially so this year since I have had to miss so many similar opportunities due to my temporary health problems.

I think I told you before that I am not a very religious person but I am a great fan of the Salvation Army. During a lull in the call in activity the other day I thought about what it would be like in my city if the Salvation Army were not here. Where would so many homeless go for shelter? How many of the addicted would never return to society for lack of caring help? How many kids would stay cold for lack of warm clothing? I thought of all the children who would not have a Christmas present if it were not for the Army and its volunteers. I also remembered the stories told to me by people of how welcome the Salvation Army canteen was when they were forced out of their homes because of a disaster. And there is so much more that they do. I think too many of us take the Salvation Army for granted; we only see them when they are ringing bells at Christmas time asking us to give a dollar or two to help finance their work. The rest of the time most of us don’t see what they do each day for us. We may not be served directly but we all are served indirectly, just think what our city would be like if they did not do what they do.


If we are ever in doubt about what to do, it is a good rule to ask ourselves what we shall wish on the morrow that we had done.

John Lubbock


Infamous Quotes Of State Troopers

"So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you yet another ticket."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those ‘two beers’?"


Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It’s the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"

"No." replied the Managing Director indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.


"I wish I were telepathic. Not just to read people’s minds, which would be cool, but to cut down on my cellular phone bill."

Paul Wiley


Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails.  He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied.  "But I broke him of the habit."


"I hid his teeth."


Why do they report power outages on TV?


Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman’s work! But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren’t so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn’t wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn’t work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."


I’d rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.

George Burns


The old man had died.  A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your pa."


"Teach a parrot the terms "supply and demand" and you’ve got an economist."

Thomas Carlyle


On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they’d have dessert waiting for them when they returned.

After they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded, "we could vacuum."


How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life, you will have been all of these.

George Washington


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

Please help if you can

"It’s rewarding to work for an organization that does so much for others. I’m proud to tell people I work for The Salvation Army. Cost-effective decisions in my area mean another meal, warm bed and clothing for someone who would otherwise go without."

Salvation Army Volunteer



Sorry about no Daily yesterday. It was one of those days that I thought might happen where I just could not get to it. Some more medical stuff combined with some time I had to spend away stole the day. I am getting tired of not being able to hold up my end but everyone seems willing to forgive me or even do my duties. For example I was scheduled to ring bells outside of a superstore to help raise money for the Salvation Army against the advice of my doctors and my wife, fortunately my friend Larry stepped in and is taking my place, another friend, Mike, will cover the same assignment I have next Friday. I am lucky to have such good and understanding friends.

As those of you who are regular readers of the Daily know I have an on-line Salvation Army page where my friends have been making contributions helping me help those in need. Sadly I have heard from three people, two in the US and one in Canada that tried to donate using their credit card a number of times without success. In one case my friend mailed me a check that I gave to the Army. I talked to the lead local Salvation Army computer guru and he has asked me to let him know if others have had the problem, so if you had tried to help via my on-line kettle at http://give.salvationarmyusa.org/site/TR/RedKettleCampaigns/RedKettle?px=1116841&pg=personal&fr_id=1110&et=Og4Sdhm2_GL95jeiWCcW5A..&s_tafId=1162 please let me know so I can pass the information on so they can try and correct the problem. So far we have raised more than $500 which has made life better for some of those folks in need, I am hoping I can do even more. I really appreciate those of you who have helped. Some of you I have never met and yet you have become special in my heart for caring enough to help those in need. Of course that is in addition to the fact I appreciate you all.


I will be working at the 13th annual WIBC Radiothon to benefit the Salvation Army this weekend. Tune into WIBC, 1070 AM in Indianapolis this weekend for your chance to win some great incentive prizes while supporting The Salvation Army in Central Indiana. If you don’t live in the area you can listen live at http://www.wibc.com/streaming/streamingpage.aspxYou can check out prizes at http://www.wibcradiothon.org/hourly-incentive-prize-packages. I’ll be working the phones from 6 AM until noon both tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday if you would like to call in and make a contribution you can do so by calling 1-877-717-3223 tell them Ray sent you.


“If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one.”

Mother Teresa


Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body.  After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.

"Sam, you’re in excellent shape for an 85 year old man.  But I’m not a magician – I can’t make you any younger", says the doctor.

"Who asked you to make me younger, already?" says Sam.  "You just make sure I get older!"


"For what has been — thanks! For what shall be — yes!"

Dag Hammarskjold


My two brothers arrived at boot camp together. On the first morning, their unit was dragged out of bed by a drill sergeant and made to assemble outside.

"My name’s Sergeant Jackson," he snarled. "Is there anyone here who thinks he can whip me?"

My six-foot-three, 280-pound, brother raised his hand and said,

"Yes sir, I do."

The sergeant grabbed him by the arm and led him out in front of the entire group.

"Men," he said, "this is my new assistant. Now is there anyone here who thinks he can whip both of us?"


When push comes to shove… somebody’s gonna figure out that "push" and "shove" mean the same damn thing.


A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible," she told him.  "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband.  "Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, I know.  And it’s lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her eyes.

"I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!"


So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .


A few years ago, as a solar eclipse approached, a planetarium director in Southern California sent out warnings to the community about the eclipse. He warned people not to look directly into the sun during the eclipse.

Soon after issuing the warning, the planetarium director received an indignant letter from a local resident… The letter read:

"Dear Director Atherton,

If an eclipse is so dangerous, you should never have scheduled one in the first place!"


A man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"Do you mean aspirin?" asks the pharmacist.

"That’s it! . . .  I can never remember that word!!"


A man goes to the track and sees a Priest blessing a horse before a race and quickly goes to the ticket window and bets. The horse wins. He watches the Priest carefully for the next four races, and continues to win, until he has quite a small fortune. He decides to bet it all on one last race.

Before the horse crosses the finish line however, it drops dead. The man rushes up to the Priest, confronts him with what he’s seen and demands an explanation.

The Priest just shakes his head sadly and says, "That’s one of the problems with you Protestants. You don’t know the difference between a blessing and the last rites."


In times of prosperity men ask too little of God. In times of adversity, they ask too much.


Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.

The Army General called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands, and salute. The private quickly complied.

Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.

Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the army and navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the Marine General and said, "You’re out of your mind, sir!"

The marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT’S guts!"


It is no profit to have learned well, if you neglect to do well.

Publilius Syrus


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.


It will take courage but without it all is lost

The important thing is this:

To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.

Charles DuBois:



I think I may have mentioned before that we have had a taxpayer revolt in our state. Some people in my city saw huge jumps in their property taxes due to reassessment and there were similar situations in other parts of the state. Some of the problem was due to an archaic government system that has been in place for a century or more. Our local taxing bodies are so numerous and fragmented that the public does not even know who to blame so of course they take it out on the most visible office holders even though the bulk of the taxes are outside of their control. It gets even worse when administration after administration defers needed projects leaving deteriorating infrastructure, huge debt service, and failing systems. And then to top it all off when some one comes in and does something about the problems they get blamed for trying to fix the problems.

The crisis was so great this time that the Governor appointed a blue ribbon bi-partisan commission to review the situation, they released their recommendations yesterday. It was a breath of fresh air; they recommended elimination of duplication, simplified delivery systems, some semblance of manageable home rule, and a major reduction in the number of units of government, along with consolidation where it made sense. Not only would their recommendations significantly reduce the cost of government it would also allow the public the opportunity to identify where the money was being spent and who was spending it.

A great thing, right? Unfortunately I think the chance of even a small number of their recommendations being implemented is slim to none. We, the public, always wait until it is too late to make things happen. In this case too many office holders would lose their jobs, too many patronage opportunities would be lost, and too many vested interests would lose their advantages. So who will show up at public hearings, they will, who will lobby the legislature, they will, who will have the courage to stand up and vote to change the status quo, few will. And where will we the public be, we’ll be standing on the sidelines not paying attention just waiting for the next election. And who will be our choices in the next election, it will be the candidates slated by the parties or elected in the primaries. And who will be at the slating sessions and who will vote in the primaries? The vested interests will. And who will the elected officials protect? They will protect their supporters, those who have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo. Few of those elected will have the courage to stand up and vote to stop this craziness. Meanwhile most of us will complain, we won’t try to understand what is going on and in effect we will give our democratic voice away to those who show up.

Sorry for the long diatribe but our system is broken and unless people like you and I pay attention and then take intelligent action we will leave our children something that may very well be irreparable.


Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.

Raymond Lindquist


A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and fifty words about an automobile. She submitted the following:

"My uncle bought a second-hand automobile. He was riding in the country when it busted up a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The other two hundred are what my uncle said when he was walking back to town, but they are not fit for publication. "


Just pray for a tough hide and a tender heart.

Ruth Graham


He said: My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn’t in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she’d phone back later.  

At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.  

The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I’m sorry," I said, "she’s left for the day. May I take a message?"  

"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?" 


I can resist anything but temptation.



I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement..

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


The worst thing about censorship is ****************** ********.


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It represents a candle’, he said.

‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’

Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And  just what do those symbolize?’

The man replied, ‘These are Carols.’


Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man’s superiority to all that befalls him.

Romain Gary


We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker.

Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist? she asked. "It would always be, ‘Better like this or like this’"?


Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?


The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you’ll be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.  

Arthur Gordon


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

Our future is in the hands of the children

Children are one third of our population and all of our future.

Select Panel for the Promotion of Child Health



I had tests at two different locations plus a meeting with a friend today and the day has slipped away and so has my brain, so another reprint. I hope you will bear with me until early February after my next operation when I will again become a reliable publisher of new material. I even will have to miss now and then but don’t give up hope I’ll generate new stuff when I can.



Reprint of Ray’s Daily December 11, 2002


I heard from my friend Karen who is based in Thailand where she works for UNICEF. I had the good fortune to spend a week with Karen a few years ago as we visited Thai villages, salt operations, and met with government officials. She has expanded her role and now has increased responsibility to the children of Asia. The world is a better place because of what she does.

Speaking of UNICEF, it was on this day in 1946 that the United Nations established the United Nations International Children’s Emergency Fund (UNICEF) to provide relief and support to children living in countries devastated by war. Today UNICEF continues to provide help to children in need throughout the world.


So long as little children are allowed to suffer, there is no true love in this world.

Isadora Duncan


He said: As in many homes throughout the US on New Year’s Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important — the football games on TV, or the dinner itself.

To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the Family Room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold beer for me with her. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn’t miss a thing."


Karaoke bars combine two of the nation’s greatest evils; people who shouldn’t drink with people who shouldn’t sing.


This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face!

What’s wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight."


You are never a looser until you quit trying.

Mike Ditka


Historians have found the first treaty the U.S. government ever signed with the Indians.  It states that the Indians can keep their lands "for as long as the river runs clear, the buffalo roam, the grass grows tall and the mountains stand proud – or ninety days – whichever comes first.


At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I’d like to know why," she scoffed.

The clerk thought a moment and then suggested,

"The horses are a lot older now?"


Exodus 28:42: "And you shall make for Aaron your brother and for his sons linen undergarments to cover their nakedness; they shall reach from the waist to the thighs."

There you have it, straight from the bible. The only Kosher underwear are BOXER SHORTS!


The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books — how not to eat what you’ve just learned to cook.

Andy Rooney


A man is in no shape to drive, so he wisely leaves his car parked and walks home. As he is walking unsteadily along, he is stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 a.m.?" the officer asks.

"I’m going to a lecture," the man replies.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asks, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"My wife."


"I often regret that I have spoken; never that I have been silent."

Publilius Syrus


After the trial had been going on for three days, Harrison, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge’s bench.

"Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from ‘innocent’ to ‘guilty’ of these charges."

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you’re guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.

Harrison looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."


Let him who is without aim cast the first stone.


A group of kids stood outside the circus, eager to get in, but without any money. They begged the ticket-taker to let them sneak in. He sternly refused. Seeing this, a kindly old man put his hand in his pocket and said to the ticket-taker, "Count them as they go in."

One by one, the boys marched in. When the last one had disappeared into the audience, the old man said, "How many were there?"

The ticket-taker said, "Twelve."

The old man said, "Shucks, I guessed wrong again." And he walked off.


People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.


There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.


"If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’ll be glad to do so for you."


Martin had just received his brand new driver’s license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad’s reply, "I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years."


Well done is better than well said.

Benjamin Franklyn


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

It’s better to be wrong once in awhile!

“There are only two kinds of men:

The righteous who believe they are sinners, the sinners who believe they are righteous.”

Blaise Pascal



I think the thing I like best about people I admire is how truthful they are to themselves. Have you noticed how the really smart people find it easy to admit they are wrong. To them truth is worth finding instead of closing their minds to alternatives. It is refreshing to enter into conversations with people who share their thoughts while keeping an open mind.

Unfortunately way too many people seem to feel that they must always be right. They are the ones who always know all of the answers, if we disagree with their belief they think there is something wrong with us. Frequently they use prejudice or hidden motives to color their thinking without realizing that their answers are based only on things that justify their beliefs and any fact that is in opposition is rejected since it must be wrong.

I have a hard time with people who know they are always right, especially when they are not. As you know the world looks different when you can see it clearly instead of looking at it through colored glasses. I prefer to just say thanks and goodbye than to listen to them justifying themselves. Bullheaded they may be but worth spending time with, I think not.

It is too bad that some people seem to feel they must provide rationalization for their behavior no matter what they do. How many times do you hear people give excuses not support a church or charity when in truth all they have to say is I just don’t want to give. I find that those who are self confident and open minded don’t offer excuses, they do what they think is right and if they find that they are wrong they willingly change.

Me, I would rather be found wrong and find out that I am so I can change instead of trying to convince others that I am right when I am not. And you know what? being right all the time is not all that important. So if you are always right, I am glad but please don’t stop and tell me so, I’d rather spend time with people that make mistakes, they are far more interesting.


“Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.”

Peter T. Mcintyre


A friend of mine was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors and memorized those two words.

When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

The audience was shocked. He didn’t know whether he had offended them or perhaps, they hadn’t heard him or understood him. So, he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish, he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"


The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.


I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought an old boat, a trailer and a motor from me.

"Thanks," he said as he loaded them up. "I’m planning to resell them."

Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them for months. But when I ran into him a few weeks later, he’d sold everything.

"How did you manage that"? I marveled.

"I took out an ad: ‘Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.’ When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor. He said no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage. Bought that, too!"


"It’s the tragedy of the world that no one knows what he doesn’t know — and the less a man knows, the more sure he is that he knows everything."  

Joyce Cary


What Not To Say To A Cop

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.  

2. Sorry, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t on.  

3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?  

4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me!  

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.  

6. Bad cop! No donut!  

7. You’re gonna check the trunk, aren’t you?  

8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school instead.  

9. I pay your salary.  

10. That’s terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.  

11. Is that a 9mm? It’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum!  

12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You’re a trained specialist?  

13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.  

14. That gut doesn’t inspire too much confidence; bet I can outrun you.  

15. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?  

16. Is it true people become cops because they’re too dumb to work at McDonald’s?  

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.  

18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around–That’s how far they are ahead of me.  


The smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention.



A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she didn’t have an account with them. When the teller asked for some identification, the woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a current library card.

The teller told her they needed a driver’s license, but the woman said she didn’t have one.

"Don’t you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked, politely.

"Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet.

Pointing to the people in the picture she says proudly,

"See right here….that’ s me in the back row."


Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.


A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.  

One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill’s henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord.  The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief!"  

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.  


“Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

Another Chance

I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning.

J.B. Priestly



A few weeks ago Sandra, a longtime friend of mine, sent me a few things that I held to share with you. Since I am only operating at half speed I thought now is a good time to pass them on.


Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got.

Art Buchwald


Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets

So love the people who treat you right,

forget the ones who don’t,

and believe that everything

happens for a reason.

If you get a change, take it;

If it changes your life, let it,

Nobody said it would be easy,

They just said it would be worth it.

-source unknown


Stuff happens.

Sometimes the stuff that happens is GOOD and sometimes the stuff that happens is BAD.  I wish that life seemed fair and that only good things would happen to good people and bad things would only happen to bad people.  But wait a minute…I know how much I have learned from the bad stuff I have experienced in life.  I would not wish my bad stuff on anyone else, but I also would not trade in the compassion and wisdom that grew out of facing adversity.  I am who I am, partly because of many blessings I have received and partly because of the yucky stuff. 

Maybe you could spend a few minutes this week making a list of the positive events and people that helped to create your "best of times" so that the next time you are going through the "worst of times" you can review your list and recall many good reasons to hang in there.

Remember, you are WORTH IT!

From: Paul & the Ripples Project


This is the anniversary of my countries entering into World War II. Everyone, man, woman and child was involved in some way. Great sacrifices were made, lives were lost, everyone felt the pain of war, it should have ended there but unfortunately it did not. I was in the Far East during the Korean War, watched the Viet Nam War as an observer, and have lived through the recent wars feeling as each year goes by that war has become too easy. I feel we have become spectators on the sidelines watching with interest as others go to battle in our stead while we are asked only to enjoy our lives. We leave it to someone in the future to pay the costs while those we hire sacrifice their lives for us. Something is wrong with this picture.



Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Martha Stewart’s Holiday Calendar


December 1

Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2

Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3

Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4

Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5

Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6

Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7

Debug Windows NT 7

December 10

Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11

Lay Faberge egg.

December 12

Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13

Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14

Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15

Replace air in SUV tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17

Childproof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19

Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20

Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21

Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22

Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23

Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24

Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25

Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26

Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27

Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31

New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.


Repeat after me, "We are all individuals!"


"New State Slogans for Florida"

FLORIDA: If you think we can’t vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don’t like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: Relax…Retire…ReVote.

FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again! …and again…and again…

FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts…and counts…and counts…

FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

FLORIDA: We don’t just cheat in football.

FLORIDA: We’re number one! Wait! Recount!


Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?

Abraham Lincoln


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

OK, what now?

“In time of sickness the soul collects itself anew”

Latin Proverb


It has been another one of those “Ray’s at the doctor” days. This time it turns out I have a severe bladder infection that has taken me down temporarily. So I am on the meds, resting, and taking a thinking hiatus. So you know what that means, we again dip into the past. Sorry about that.


December 6, 2000


Big John tells us that they say this is the day that Santa Claus died, in 342 or 345, or at least that is what we think we know about St. Nicholas of Myra.

His reputed generosity and the 1822 poem by Dr. Clement Moore, "A Visit From St. Nicholas" did a lot to inspire our modern version of the jolly old man.


Count your blessings instead of your crosses;

Count your gains instead of your losses.

Count your joys instead of your woes;

Count your friends instead of your foes.

Count your smiles instead of your tears;

Count your courage instead of your fears.

Count your full years instead of your lean;

Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.

Count your health instead of your wealth.


Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?


Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine – this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling…. and I’ll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I’ll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

1. Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right… real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll call you back!


If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.

Catherine Aird


There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.  One day he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line.  You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose.  You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.’"

The actor is thrilled.  All day long, before the play, he’s practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came.  The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the director was steaming – "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened?  Did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director.  "You forgot the rose!"


A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time.


A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." 

The Rabbi asked, "What’s wrong?" 

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." 

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" 

The man then pleads, "I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?" 

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what.  Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know." 

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" 

The man anxiously says, "Yes." 

"Take the poison !" 


A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"

The father answered immediately, "I don’t know. No male has lived that long yet."


The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.


She said "here are some of the rules,"


Don’t lie.

If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."

Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"

Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is bad.

Ordering for me is good. Telling me what I want is bad.

Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.


Q: How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.


A man is visiting a mental home and sees a group of inmates sitting in a circle. As he gets close one of them shouts, "128" and all the others start to laugh!

He asks the nurse with him what’s going on and he explains that they have all been together so long that they know the jokes off by heart, so to save retelling them all the time they numbered them and just say the number!

The man thinks this is a good idea and although he doesn’t know the jokes asks if he could try it!

The nurse says, "Why not, go ahead!"

So the man shouts, "10"

Nothing, absolute stoney silence! So the man says, "What’s wrong, wasn’t that joke funny?"

And the nurse says, "It wasn’t that, it’s just the way you told it!"


”UNLESS someone like you cares an awful lot,

nothing is going to get better. Its’ not.”

-Dr. Seuss


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

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