I can’t tell you!
“Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated, thus, everyone’s task is unique as his specific opportunity.”
To: Daily Readers
Date: June 28, 2007
Re: Special Assignment
I have been put on secret special assignment to a place where I will be unable to produce the daily. It is anticipated that I will return next week and I hope to publish the next Daily on July 5th.
Stay safe; those of you in the US enjoy your Independence Day holiday.
I shall return
In order to assist those who reside in the US I have listed below some of the things you need to consider as you plan your month. It is:
Baked Beans, Hot Dog and Ice Cream Month – Picnic time, hooray!!!
Minority Tourism Month – Now that I am officially an old guy I think I qualify so I am off for awhile.
Anti-Boredom Month – With you guys around I never get bored.
National Eye Exam Month – I have an appointment set up in two weeks so I’ll be doing my part.
National July Belongs to Blueberries and Peaches Month – Fruit fun for one and all!
National Purposeful Parenting Month – Is this a Planned Parenthood thing or what?
Sports and Recreation Month – I would love sports and recreation if only it did not require me to use my body.
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness–That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive to these Ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such Principles and organizing its Powers in such Form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. . . .
We must remember that a right lost to one is lost to all.
William Reece Smith, Jr.
During this time of great national concern I hope that we can keep a balance between our need for national security and our hard won personal freedoms. Ray
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.
In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees.
Her mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty…
They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
The district attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict.
Bitterly he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"
The foreman answered, "Insanity."
The D.A. said, "All twelve of you?"
Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. Bill’s wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game.
But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired. His wife asked, "What’s the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now."
Bill said, "Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole."
"My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him. "That must’ve been terrible!"
"It was," he said. "All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again…"
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I’m afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left."
"Oh, that’s terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
Hollywood has changed. Today you see women doing on the screen what they used to do off the screen to get on screen.
She said: Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.
In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I’m sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I’m going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad’s car has a flat but it’s not my fault. Honest! I don’t know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don’t be mad, okay?"
Since I don’t have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.
"I’m sorry dear," I replied, "but you’ve reached the wrong number. I don’t have a daughter named Susan."
"Wow, Mom," the young woman’s voice replied, "I didn’t think you’d be this mad!"
The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it.
Stay well, do good work, and have fun.
Indianapolis, Indiana, USA
Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.
The editor is somewhat senile.