Ray's Daily

“Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death”

Albert Einstein

I attended a lecture today that helped me again realize that I miss more than I need to and what I miss is often vital to my understanding what I am seeing. I am concerned that my curiosity may have waned over the years. It seems like I often stop looking too soon and miss the nuance of what I am seeing.

I wonder if it is laziness or pride that drives me to draw conclusions at the first recognition of what I am seeing. I hope not, as being first with an answer is not how score should be kept, it is kept on the accuracy of what we see. Too often the visual assumption that I may have made has been based on how what I am seeing is similar to what I have seen before. What I report my be good enough most of the time but often it is less than it might be as I have missed the details. And like they say “The Devil Is in the Details,” and the details may change the picture dramatically and with a completely different perception than what I had when I quit looking too soon.

I know this probably sounds convoluted but look at it this way, when we look at something there is a surface image in the foreground that often dominates when seen it is seen only as a surface dimension, but often there is background that takes us to a deeper depth of understanding. Even without background there is often more to see by seeing all of the picture elements and not just the primary subject. Do things change if we see a pretty girl alongside a table with a cigarette burning in an ashtray and than see the same girl with only a perfect rose on that very same table.

Einstein said intellectual growth should continue throughout life. I wonder if that is possible if we let our curiosity whither, sacrificed because of our impatience and intellectual laziness. This does not apply to you of course, just to me and a few others.

~~~

The cure for boredom is curiosity.

There is no cure for curiosity.

Dorothy Parker

~~~

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy.

So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"

"Somebody else’s pants."

~~~

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

~~~

The decision to carry heart defibrillators on airplanes saved a passenger’s life on a Dallas flight.

Unfortunately, his HMO only covers coronaries on round trip flights, purchased 14 days in advance with a Saturday stay over.

~~~

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

Wilson Mizner

~~~

There’s a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed, blowing a whistle, and then walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field.

The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

~~~

"The person who would like to make his dreams come true must stay awake."

Richard Wheeler

~~~

A married lady friend sent this; I wonder what she is trying to tell us.

A woman’s perfect breakfast:

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl

… and her husband is on the back of the milk carton

~~~

Which came first? The woman or the department store?

~~~

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife’s turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, hon."

"Thank God, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"

~~~

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

~~~

TOP 7 SIGNS YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION

———————————-

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are "alright, listen up you heathens…"

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda shorts and a Tank Top

4. Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, "Why can’t they just leave me alone?!"

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION

1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.

~~~

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark.

Chinese Proverb

~~~

Two truck drivers, Ralph and Cletus, who drove as a team, were interviewing for a job at a new trucking company. Many questions were asked, and answered, with Ralph doing most of the talking as Cletus never had much to say.

The interview was coming to a close with one more question. "Ralph, you’re driving in the mountains in Colorado. You’re going down a very steep grade with a very sharp curve at the bottom. All of a sudden, your brakes quit. What do you do?"

Ralph scratched his chin for a bit, then said, "I’d wake up Cletus."

The interviewer was puzzled and asked "Why wake up Cletus?"

Ralph replied, "Because he ain’t never seen a wreck like we’re fixin to have!"

~~~

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

~~~

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

"Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!"

~~~

I think, at a child’s birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity.

Eleanor Roosevelt

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.”

Jimi Hendrix

Sorry gang I am on the run between appointments. Busy day!!! So another blast from the past. Ray

~~~

June 26, 2001

On this day in 1945, at the Herbst Theater auditorium in San Francisco, delegates from 50 nations signed the United Nations Charter, establishing the world body as a means of saving "succeeding generations from the scourge of war." A dream yet to be fulfilled, lets all hope that someday there will be peace everywhere.

June 26, 2002

Good Morning, I thought we all could benefit by these commandments:

1. Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.

2. Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.

3. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.

4. Thou shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.

5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.

6. Thou shall not borrow other people’s problems. They can better care for them than you can.

7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!

8. Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.

9. Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.

10. Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

~~~

If I had my life to live over again, I’d dare to make more mistakes next time.

Nadine Stair

~~~

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 -year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.  The little boy again counted his coins. "I’ll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.

When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn’t have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

~~~

To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven.

Johannes A. Gaertner

~~~

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat. The women just won’t leave him alone.

His mother-in-law says, "You’re driving too fast!"

His wife says, "Stay more to the left."

After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who’s driving this car – you or your mother?"

~~~

When things go wrong…..don’t go with the flow.

~~~

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

6. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale’s.

~~~

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

~~~

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years.  "Mr. Avery, don’t leave it too late.  I have exactly the one you need.  You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don’t bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I’ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs."

"That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said ‘two sisters’. I didn’t say they were mine."

~~~

Kissing  —  A means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.

~~~

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife."

~~~

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

~~~

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson." The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told: "Doctor, I’ve been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson." "That’s wonderful," said the doctor.

"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I’m Lady Nelson."

~~~

People who think they’re out of this world make you wish they were.

~~~

Morris and Harry were both fanatics about deep sea fishing.  Each would come back from fishing trips, and tell the other big lies about the number, and sizes of the fish they caught.

So Morris comes back from his latest fishing trip, and tells Harry… …." You wouldn’t believe, but in da Bahamas I caught a 500 pound herring. "

Harry says…." That’s nothing, last time I fished in da Bahamas, I pulled up an old lantern from a sunken Spanish ship….and da candle was still burning ! "

They both looked at each other, knowing that the other was lying.

Finally, Harry said to Morris…." Look Morris, if you take 450 pounds from off your herring….I’ll blow out my candle! "

~~~

Isn’t it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?

~~~

I am certain that after the dust of centuries has passed over our cities, we, too, will be remembered not for victories or defeats in battle or in politics, but for our contribution to the human spirit.

John F. Kennedy

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

“You need three things in the theater – the play, the actors and the audience, – and each must give something”

Kenneth Haigh

About five years ago I attended a meeting of my Kiwanis Club and had the good fortune of hearing Don Steffy, the Executive Director of the Pike Performing Arts Center tell us about his theatre and its history. The center had been built five years earlier as a contribution to the arts in our community by the local township school system. At the end of his presentation Don offered us the opportunity to subscribe to the next season of performances that would run from fall until spring. I was amazed at what a bargain the series was going to be since it had of sponsor and community support. It was such a good deal I could not turn it down.

If the truth be known I did not expect too much, not realizing what a wonderful gift he had given me and the others. After the first few performances that year I was hooked. Since then I have enjoyed everything from dance companies, one man shows, musicals, to plays. This last season was the Centers tenth anniversary season and it was great as usual. Each year I subscribe to more seats as my friends discover what a gem we have and join our group.

I have been especially grateful for the constant discovery of another rewarding performance that I would have missed if it wasn’t that Don, had included in that seasons schedule a wide range of great theatre. I have been overwhelmed by a large troop of dancers from the Ukraine and their full orchestra, I have been caught up in the rhythm of the musical Smoky Joe’s Café, I have been moved by the poignant rendition of A Christmas Box, and much more. We are blessed with performances by professional companies from the US and abroad.

So why is this so great? As an example I never would have bought tickets to something like the North Carolina Ballet and if I hadn’t I would have missed how country music could be combined with classic dance and become something really special. Often these productions are offered with a minimum of sets and special effects. Rather what they are is what theatre always was, the connection between a performer and their audience. It is refreshing to return to the days when the play was the thing and was not staged with so many bells, whistles and theatrical tricks that we miss the actor and the dialogue.

I would hope you could find your own performing arts theatre wherever you are in the world; if you do you will be glad you did. Now we must bid a fond farewell to my friend Don as his great talent has been recognized and he is moving on to a bigger job in another company. For me, I will always be grateful for the gift he gave me, live theatre as it was meant to be.

~~~

“I regard the theatre as the greatest of all art forms, the most immediate way in which a human being can share with another the sense of what it is to be a human being.”

Oscar Wilde

~~~

(Now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay… practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it’s not so bad… there’s warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food.

Tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you ’til noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.

Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.

It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6" and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

~~~

Every man’s work, whether it be literature or music or pictures or anything else, is always a portrait of himself, and the more he tries to conceal himself the more clearly will his character appear in spite of him.

Samuel Butler

~~~

Perhaps you’ve heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work.

Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don’t bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don’t bleed.

"Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, I do," the patient replied.

"Very well, then," the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient’s finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger… "Dead men do bleed!!"

~~~

Traffic was so bad on the freeway, I had to stop twice to make car payments.

~~~

Returning home from work, a not-so-bright blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,

"Can it get any worse than this? I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman!"

~~~

“Life’s like a play; it’s not the length but the excellence of the acting that matters”

Seneca

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

“The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.”

Sydney J. Harris

I get worried sometimes about friends that just seem to have lost the ability to relax. Even on weekends and holidays their mind is going a mile a minute either on what they view are problems or trying to force themselves to relax, the problem is they just don’t get it done. Relaxation is the gift that is given to us to allow us to recharge and begin anew. It is also amazing how often problems diminish when looked at after a period of relaxation.

So if you’re tired, tense, overworked, stressed, or depressed give yourself a break and relax. And since I know some of you will think you can’t do it I have listed below some tips I stole just for you.

• Eat healthy. Sugar and caffeine are your enemies, as they both cause severe ups and downs, upsetting your body’s ability to regulate energy. Instead of sugary, carbohydrate loaded snacks (like cookies or granola bars), eat fresh fruits and whole grain breads or crackers (sugar-free). Make sure you get plenty of protein, like that found in chicken, lean beef, whole grains, and low-fat dairy.
• Find a quiet place when you are feeling overwhelmed. Even the stall of a bathroom will work if you have no other place to go.
• Close your eyes and picture your own personal paradise. Put yourself there and imagine the setting. What do you see around you? Is there a breeze? What do you hear–birds? Waves? Water? Imagine yourself thoroughly enjoying every moment here in your special place.
• Breathe. Inhale deeply, counting to five, then exhale slowly, counting to five. Do this ten times.
• Relax in bed. Take a bath, play soft music, and lay down in bed. Read a book and clear your mind of all the stress and rush of the day.
• Avoid people who are constantly angry or complain.
• Stop engaging in behaviors that make you feel guilty. Guilt is a potent source of stress, so get rid of the source of guilt by behaving yourself.
• Exercise every day. At least twenty minutes (or more, if you like) every day of moderate activity, like walking or bike-riding, is the best known, scientifically proven way to significantly reduce stress. You will be amazed at how much easier you overcome stress when you exercise regularly.
• Learn to prioritize. Make a list of tasks you must accomplish that day. Put the most important things at the top and list every task in descending order of importance. Take care of things before they become a problem, then your time will be more productive and you will feel less stress.
• You can curl up on your couch with a blanket, and a good book, maybe even a cup of tea, cocoa, or coffee.
• Lay on your bed or sofa, have some soft music playing in the background (or nature Cd’s) and listen to ocean waves, waterfalls, or birds.
• Go for a walk. If you live near a park with a fountain, or near a beach or lake, the calming sound of water will soothe you. Just a regular walk will also relax you.
• Do the activities or hobbies that relax you (fishing, sewing, singing, painting, taking photographs), whatever it is that keeps your mind off the things that normally stress you out, or things that you just need a break from every now and then.

~~~

“Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.”

William S. Burroughs

~~~

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That’s the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"

~~~

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Albert Einstein

~~~

A good woman died and went to Heaven. When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter offered to take her on a tour of the facilities. As they walked past the halo depository, she noticed a sort of fence off in the distance

Intrigued, she asked St. Peter if they could look at it. "What’s a fence doing up here?" she asked.

"Oh, that’s not exactly a fence," he replied. "It’s a balcony railing. You see, some folks arrive here and find that certain friends or loved ones aren’t here, and realize they must have gone to Hell. So we have an arrangement with the Adversary whereby our folks can stand at the railing and look down and find their loved ones."

So they approached the railing, and the woman looked down. She spotted a group of people wailing and tearing out their hair while demons poked them with pitchforks. "What’s the matter with that group?" she asked. St. Peter took a look. "Ah," he said. "Those are Southern Baptists who went to dances."

Then she noticed another group, screaming while they walked on red-hot coals. "What are they being punished for?" she asked the saint. He looked and replied, "Those are old-style Catholics who ate meat on Friday."

Another group caught her attention. They were being whipped with scorpion tails, and screaming. "And their sin?" she asked. St. Peter looked and said, "Oh, those are Episcopalians who used the wrong fork."

~~~

Those who wish to sing, always find a song.

Swedish Proverb

~~~

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long plane flight. After they’re airborne and the plane has leveled off the man in the window seat suddenly says, distinctly and confidently, in a low voice, "General, United States Army, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight-lipped smile, "General, United States Air Force, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both generals."

~~~

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

~~~

A few friends and I were discussing diet tips. When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake.

Someone responded with surprise that sleep was a factor.

Another replied: "Of course sleep has a lot to do with dieting. The only time I’m not eating is when I’m sleeping!"

~~~

Patient: "It’s been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable."

Doctor: "Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?"

Patient: "Yes, I did. The bottle said, ‘keep tightly closed.’"

~~~

When one door closes, another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.

Alexander Graham Bell

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

“I feel the capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest significance.”

Pablo Casals

I have talked before how our attitude to a large extent determines how we see the world. I think that how much we care determines the richness of our lives.

• A flood victim in Texas was fed today because someone cared.
• A lady received a rose today because someone cared.
• A child smiled today because someone cared.
• A painting was in a museum to be seen today because someone cared.
• An Alzheimer patient was not alone today because someone cared.
• A youngster was guided safely across a street today because someone cared.
• A lonesome friend’s day was brightened by a phone call today because someone cared.
• A skill was learned today to be taught to others because someone cared today.

There is so much around us each day that could enrich our lives if we only care enough to let them. I can think of nothing worse on someone’s headstone than……..

HE JUST DIDN’T CARE.

I know each of you care enough to keep your mind active, to engage in the life around you, and to do what you can for those you love and even those you don’t. I just wish everyone else did as well.

~~~

“Want of care does us more damage than want of knowledge”

Benjamin Franklin

~~~

The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.  

Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.  

The children took the news of Danny’s imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He’s been around here a long time–we’ll miss him."  

"Yes," Mom replied, "But he’s too much work for one person, and since I’m that one person, I say he goes."  

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn’t eat so much and wouldn’t be so messy, we could keep him."  

But Mom was firm. "It’s time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."  

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"

~~~

You’ve got to spend money to lose money.

~~~

Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work. For the past year a pretty woman standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up. Jake was a good husband and family man and didn’t want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the woman was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind.  

After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 45 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife.  

"What should I do?" asked Jake.  

The psychiatrist said: "Take Melrose Avenue."  

~~~

I don’t understand the uproar over gas prices,

I just put $10 worth into my car and it didn’t cost any more than it usually does.

~~~

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.

They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let’s get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself."

~~~

A smile is a language even a baby understands.

~~~

A Chicano widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"It is! Trust me, it is!"

"I do have one question for you, my snookums."

"Yes, my love, what is it?"

"When did you learn to speak English so perfectly!?"

~~~

If you like gambling, the worst thing you can do is bring your spouse with you to the casino.

If you lose, they get mad. If you win, they want half!

~~~

Wife: And another thing I want to tell you. I’ve noticed every time you talk, you say my house,

my automobile, my chair, my shoes; everything’s yours. You never say ours. I’m your partner. I’m your wife. It should be ours.

The husband paid no attention to his wife and just kept looking around the room for something.

Wife: What are you looking for?

Husband: Our pants!

~~~

"The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem.

It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one."

Albert Einstein

~~~

Mrs. Goldberg was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?"

"Two for a quarter," answered the vendor.

"How much is just one?" she asked.

"Fifteen cents," answered the vendor.

"Then I’ll take the other one," said Mrs. Goldberg.

~~~

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

Leo F. Buscaglia

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.