Ray's musings and humor

Archive for January, 2008

Ray is going into the shop

If I had my way I’d make health catching instead of disease.

Robert Ingersoll

 

 

We’re shutting down the daily for about a week. Ray is going back into the shop for repairs at 6AM Monday morning. Hopefully this time it will be the real thing and not a dress rehearsal and that rather than a temporary fix this one is permanent. He’s pretty busy today so I am sending you past words of wisdom or at least words. Enjoy! See you in a week.

Ray’s Computer

~~~

January 25, 2000

On this day in 1890: Nellie Bly completed her round-the-world trip in record time, beating Jules Verne’s fictional character Phileas Fogg’s record of 80 days. If she tried it today she would spend 80 days in airport, hotel, and baggage claim lines.

~~~

Here are some things I wish I knew when I was a kid:

If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you "how you feel about it."

Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger-flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain or the Spice Girls

all weekend. I was an usher in a movie theatre, for those of you too young to remember we would escort people to their seats.

It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of, "It’s my life," and "You’re not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it or you’ll sound like a "baby boomer" (also known as *your parents*).

Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

~~~

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

~~~

You know IT’S YOUR LAST DAY AT WORK WHEN…

  • You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What’s this?", you realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.
  • A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It’s his wife.
  • While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard.  It shorts out.
  • You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
  • You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”
  • You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You’re in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

~~~

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

~~~

He said I am glad to be a guy because:

Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president. (In this lifetime.)

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

~~~

I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.

~~~

A guy tells his doctor, "I am under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people and insulting them. You gotta help me, doctor!"

The doctor says, "Tell me about your problem."

The guy looks at him and yells, "I just did YOU STUPID S.O.B.!"

~~~

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says,

"My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!"

~~~

"Can people predict the future with cards?" said one little boy to another.

"My mother can," said the other boy.

"Really?"

"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Dad gets home."

~~~

A man was standing first in line for tickets from those who had canceled their reservations to a sold-out play.

The manager said he had two together, and pointed to the two women behind the man. "You wouldn’t want to come between Mother and daughter, would you?"

The man turned around, and replied, "No. I did that once, and regretted it right up until the divorce."

~~~

She said: Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

~~~

"If I ever see a falling star, I’m going to use my wish to wish that it had never fallen in the first place. If I’m lucky, that will throw the entire universe into a logic loop and while everyone is busy attending to that, I’ll skip work the next day."

Abhishek Gami

~~~

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

~~~

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he’d learned in seven years."

Mark Twain

~~~

Mr. Smith patted his daughter’s hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent." Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it’s going to be so hard leaving mother."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr.  Smith. "You can just take her with you."

~~~

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Do it and die."

~~~

Dear Lord,

So far today, Lord, I’ve done alright. I haven’t gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or over-indulgent. I’m very thankful for that.

But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed. And from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

~~~

Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being,

and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.

World Health Organization

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

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You’ve have a lot of choices

You’ve got a lot of choices. 

If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you’re not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.

Steven D. Woodhull

 

 

I was listening on the radio to an interview of an author who had written a book about self-help gurus. You know the guys that promise us the secret of success, happiness, wealth, love, just about everything. I don’t really have anything against many of them as they have sometimes provided me insight that has helped me see things that I might have missed otherwise

 As I listened I started to think about our aspirations, you know those things we think will offer us some self satisfaction if we can acquire or achieve them. That got me thinking what I would like for myself. If I built a list what would be on it? A new fancy car maybe, some special knowledge, a financial windfall, a trip, or even personal things like love and friendship. The thing that I have often missed when building lists like this in the past was to ask myself why did I want whatever it was. For example do I really need a new car when mine gets me where I want to go? Does it have to have an engine that would allow me to ride up a steep incline when there are no hills around where I live? Do I really need eight speakers when I only listen to the news? A

Asking ourselves why allows us to decide if whatever it is all that important. If I don’t buy the car can I visit another country, help someone I care about, or do something of value? You get the idea.

Fortunately I have gotten to the point where I don’t really aspire for wealth, expensive toys, the latest fashion or to stay in the five star suite. These days I aspire for peace of mind, caring friends, ending the day pleased with what I did, and blazing new trails while meeting new people. And you know what, life has never been better.

I have found that the best way to keep score is not by what’s in the garage but rather what’s in your heart.

~~~

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

Flora Whittemore

~~~

A blonde calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open.

"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call.

"Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" asks the blonde.

~~~

"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."

Dorothy Parker

~~~

She said: When our son was four months old, I caught my husband in another room, holding the baby on his lap, talking to him and pointing.

I was touched by this father-son bonding and went into the room to eavesdrop.

"Football," he said slowly, pointing to the television. "This is football."

~~~

There are many wonderful things that will never be done if you do not do them.

Charles D. Gill

~~~

Don goes into business for himself. He buys a hotdog cart and sets it up in a prime spot on a busy downtown corner, right near a large bank.  

One day, his friend Jim approaches him and asks Don if he can lend him some money.  

Don refuses.  

"But why?" asks Jim. "Everyone knows you’re doing well, and I’m not asking for much."  

"Well, Jim, in order to get this spot I had to sign a Non-competition Agreement with that bank over there. According to the terms of the agreement, they’re don’t sell hot dogs, and I don’t lend money."

~~~

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question or is it?

~~~

The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.  

"What’s the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded.   

"None," replied the officer. "It’s all part of the service." 

~~~

Those who matter don’t judge me.

Those who judge me don’t matter.

~~~

A guy was hitchhiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was getting on and no cars went by. Suddenly he saw a car roll slowly toward him and stop.  

Without thinking about it, the guy jumped into the back seat and closed the door when he suddenly realized there was nobody behind the wheel!  Just then the car started slowly rolling forward again. He was beginning to get really freaked out when he noticed a curve in the road ahead. He was just thinking about climbing into the front seat when a hand mysteriously appeared through the window and moved the wheel.  

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.  

Gathering his courage, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town.  Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.  

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same restaurant. They were looking around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look, isn’t that the jerk who got in the car when we were pushing it?"  

~~~

Learn to pause … or nothing worthwhile will catch up to you.

Doug King

~~~

My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?" And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?" and my mom said, "He does."

~~~

If you were agoraphobic, you’d be home by now.

~~~

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don’t have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

~~~

Learn as if you were going to live forever. Live as if you were going to die tomorrow.

Mahatma Gandhi

~~~

My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

  My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.

I think I might never put my glasses back on.

~~~

Using the power of decision gives you the capacity to get past any excuse to change any and every part of your life in an instant.

Anthony Robbins

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Give yourself the gift!

“What we are is God’s gift to us. What we become is our gift to God.”

Eleanor Powell

 

 

As you know I love the time I get to spend with others. I am enriched by their friendship, their thoughts, their experiences, and especially their happiness. Sadly some are still struggling to overcome the belief that they don’t have the ability to control their lives, it is as if they feel that fate has determined their destiny and they just have to live with what comes. Fortunately they are wrong; we have the ability within ourselves to make life changes for the better. Everyone deserves happiness but not everyone is generous enough to give it to themselves. Here is something that illustrates how we can make what’s ahead better than it might be otherwise.

 

“Generosity is another quality which, like patience, letting go, non-judging, and trust, provides a solid foundation for mindfulness practice. You might experiment with using the cultivation of generosity as a vehicle for deep self-observation and inquiry as well as an exercise in giving. A good place to start is with yourself. See if you can give yourself gifts that may be true blessings, such as self-acceptance, or some time each day with no purpose. Practice feeling deserving enough to accept these gifts without obligation-to simply receive from yourself, and from the universe.”  

Jon Kabat-Zinn

~~~

“I certainly don’t regret my experiences because without them, I couldn’t imagine who or where I would be today. Life is an amazing gift to those who have overcome great obstacles, and attitude is everything!”

Sasha Azevedo

~~~

According to my mother, she and Dad decided to start a family soon after he became an officer in the Air Force. When months went by without success, they consulted the base physician, who chose to examine Mom right then and there.  

"Please disrobe," he told her.  

"With him in the room??" she yelled, pointing to my father.  

Turning to Dad, the doctor said, "Captain, I think I found the problem." 

~~~

If you are too busy to laugh . . . you are too busy.

~~~

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"  

1st customer: "I’ll have tea."  

2nd customer: "Me, too.  And be sure the glass is clean!"  

(Waiter exits, returns)  

Waiter: Two teas.  "Which one asked for the clean glass?"  

~~~

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Joe Lewis

~~~

From my friend Allen:

Retirement Choices – Where To Live

 

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where …..

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where ….

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where ….

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map .

3.You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You’ve worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression .

You can Live in Maine where ….

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in Texas where ….

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "y’all" is singular and "all y’all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin’ " is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You can live in Colorado where ….

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where ….

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2 Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where’s my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

Or You can live in Florida where ….

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4 Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

~~~

Small deeds done are better than greater deeds planned.

Unknown

~~~

It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account"?

Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."

~~~

Today, this hour, this minute is the day, the hour, the minute for each of us to sense the fact that life is good, with all its trials and troubles, and perhaps more interesting because of them.

Robert Updegraff

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Can you heat it?

I once had a sparrow alight upon my shoulder for a moment, while I was hoeing in a village garden, and I felt that I was more distinguished by that circumstance that I should have been by any epaulet I could have worn.

Henry David Thoreau

 

Recently I had the good fortune to attend a performance by an outstanding New York tap dance troop. They intermixed their performance with on screen performances by some of the all time great tap dancers from years ago. People like Bojangles, Fred Astaire, Eleanor Powel, Shirley Temple, and many more.

The troop was made up of outstanding dancers who performed both individually and in production numbers. They presented to us both high energy virtuoso performances and quiet more graceful and subtle examples of the dance. I realized as I watched just how much I have grown to appreciate the work of Bojangles and others who danced with a style and grace that was almost featherlike while they partnered with a melody instead of dominating the music.

As I thought about it later it came to me that when you listen with your heart a whisper is often louder than a shout and a gentle touch more moving than a shove. It seems to me I have come to appreciate the grace of a Degas painting, the simple melody, the well spoken word, and those who are always civil and never strident, things that might not have gotten my attention when I was younger.

I sometimes worry that we have become so inundated with visuals, sounds, news, and other examples of contemporary society that we are in danger of losing our ability to find beauty in the simplest of things. While I appreciate the prodigy I love the people I know who don’t put on airs but rather just live the good life doing the best they can, hating no one while giving the gift of their friendship to all they meet.

~~~

That man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest.

Henry David Thoreau

~~~

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you’re It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket .

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy .

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means you don’t need fiber today.

4.. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

~~~

It is a good thing to be rich, it is a good thing to be strong, but it is a better thing to be beloved of many friends.

Euripides

~~~

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry…. we can’t hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employee womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

~~~

"Virtue" is the failure to achieve vice.

~~~

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful (and very sexy) 25 year-old blonde. She knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm, as she hangs on to Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She’s not my girlfriend.. .she’s my wife!"

They’re knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

~~~

Some pursue happiness, others create it.

Anonymous

~~~

She told me: After raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started, but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years, a literature course.  

The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.  

He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook…"  

I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.  

The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He’s just taking attendance!"  

~~~

"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I’m lying on the couch and can’t reach the remote, I think, ‘Boy, a kid would be nice right now.’"

Kathleen Madigan

~~~

The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?

Henry David Thoreau

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

I am just too tired today

“If someone is too tired to give you a smile, leave one of your own,

Because no one needs a smile as much as those who have none to give”

 

 

Today is not one of my better days, fortunately by this time next week I should be out of the operating room and be in the recovery room at the hospital. I look forward to being young again and a more reliable Daily writer. Hopefully I have improved since I wrote the following.

~~~

January 19, 2000

 

If you were over 5 on this evening in 1953, odds are you were in front of one of the 68% of TV sets tuned to Lucy Ricardo giving birth to little Ricky. More people watched Lucille Ball that night on "I Love Lucy" than Dwight Eisenhower’s Presidential inauguration the next day.

~~~

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’

Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’ "

Charlie Brown

~~~

Famous Last Words:

— Unfortunately I can not totally agree with comrade Stalin.

— Of course you don’t look fat in that dress honey.  Well… maybe a little.

— Hey ya’ll watch this.

— LOOK! An old mine from world war…..

— Sure, rope bridges last forever.

— Trust me, I know what I’m doing.

— Do I cut the red or the blue wire?

— Oh shut up! I won’t fall!

— Oh, it looks like a dolphin is swimming this way…

— I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.

~~~

Cooking lesson #1: don’t fry bacon in the nude.

~~~

A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, How come you called God, "Harold"?" The little boy looked up and said, "That’s what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name." 

~~~

She said:

Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you’ve gotten sick of him.

Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

A woman’s work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

If you want a nice man, go for a bald one — they try harder.

Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.

~~~

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

~~~

Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second hiker says, ‘What are you doing?’
The first responds, ‘I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll have to jump down and make a run for it.’
The second says, ‘Are you crazy? Don’t you know you can’t outrun a bear?

The first guy says, ‘I don’t have to outrun the bear I only have to outrun you!’

~~~

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

~~~

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking." Exhausted

~~~

I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it!!! There are plenty more ribs where YOU came from!"

~~~

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. His friend asked, "What had the world done to you, my old friend?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That’s not bad."

"But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"Sounds like you should be grateful…"

"You don’t understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

Now he was really confused. "Then, how come you look so glum?"

"This week… nothing!"

~~~

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he’d been putting off for weeks. He’d cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

~~~

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

Robert A. Heinlein

~~~

During an Army war game a commanding officer’s jeep got stuck in the mud.

 The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

~~~

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don’t you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying a child."

~~~

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time;

It is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable."

Sydney J. Harris

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Together we can do great things

If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.

John Quincy Adams:

 

 

The day got away so here is something from a few years ago.

I had breakfast with a friend the other day where the discussion shifted to organizations and their effectiveness. The discussion was timely as I had recently completed the draft of an article on leadership for another publication. The article reflected on a presentation I attended by one of Indiana’s most respected leaders. During his speech he said, “If people perceive their leaders as having high credibility, they’re significantly more likely to be proud to tell others they are a part of the organization; feel a strong sense of team spirit; see their own personal values as consistent with those of the organization; feel attached and committed to the organization; and have a sense of ownership in the organization.”

The speaker reminded us that, in this day and age it is loyalty that comes from trust and organizational pride, that attracts and retains the best and the brightest. Intelligent, competent, and creative people do not want to be associated with those whose honesty is suspect, their participation in such organizations makes them suspect as well. He also shared his observation that honesty produces more efficient and productive team players and that a demonstrated commitment to honesty, integrity, and trust will result in the best and brightest choosing to fill the critical roles that exist in every organization.

I have often thought that there are three kinds of so-called leaders. There are those who always lead the parade; they find out what direction the parade is going and get out in front, constantly looking to mirror any change of direction, these are followers not leaders. Then there are those so called leaders who use their power to dictate to their subordinates, they use threat as a method to assure conformance, these are commanders, not leaders, these are the guys who follow the “My way or the highway” principle of management. And then there are the true leaders, those whose followers choose to be led because of the value they place upon their leader, to me this is the only measure of true leadership.

In my experience it is when we box people in with too many rules, too much supervision and too many rigid procedures, the most we get is conformance. When we are open and honest with people and they understand where we are trying to go, all we have to do is get out of their way, and we get performance way beyond conformance.

If you trust me and I trust you, we can do great things together.

~~~

A leader is someone who helps improve the lives of other people or improve the system they live under.

Sam Ervin ~

~~~

A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs ?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters…First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand… totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left…"

~~~

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." Thomas A. Edison

~~~

A harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his shoes, and fell into a chair. "I’m thinking of taking six or seven of my students to England," he said.

"What on earth for?" his wife asked.

"It might make them feel good to see what it’s like to drive on the left side of the road-legally."

~~~

Failure is the greatest opportunity I have to know who I really am.

John Killinger Author

~~~

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. 

They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear his speech.  The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. 

"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya!  Hoya!"

The politician was a bit puzzled by this native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. So he continued on.

"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya!  Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya!  Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle.  Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Oh, sure…" the Chief said, "but just be careful not to step in the hoya."

~~~

The brighter you are, the more you have to learn.

Don Herold

~~~

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up.

Then she just fainted!"

~~~

Becky is having lunch with Hannah.

Becky says, "My Morris is just impossible. Absolutely nothing pleases him. Tell me, Hannah, is your Harold hard to please?"

Hannah shrugs and replies, "I wouldn’t know. I’ve never tried."

~~~

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor, noticing that the previous bill hadn’t been paid, instructed the collections manager to contact the customer.

The collections manager made the call and left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call from the customer who said, "Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long."

~~~

Sign outside the Red Horse Saloon:  Cheap T-Bone Steaks, 99 cents….w/meat, $10.99.

~~~

"Mollie, how is your sister?  I heard she is very ill."

"Sadie, my sister is impossible.  I never told you but we have been on the outs for as far as I can remember.  Last Tuesday, my son begged me to see her.  So, let me tell you.  When I stood next to her bed, she had the nerve to say, "Mollie, I just want to let you know that if I die you’re forgiven for all you’ve done to me.  But, if I get well, things remain the same!"

~~~

A boss creates fear, a leader confidence.

A boss fixes blame, a leader corrects mistakes.

A boss knows all, a leader asks questions.

A boss makes work drudgery, a leader makes it interesting.

A boss is interested in himself or herself, a leader is interested in the group.

Russell H. Ewing

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

Live it up, not down

“A man ninety years old was asked to what he attributed his longevity.

I reckon, he said, with a twinkle in his eye, it because most nights I went to bed and slept when I should have sat up and worried.”

Garson Kanin

 

 

The other day a guy younger than me shared his concern about his mortality. He had recently had stents put in to open his arteries which has increased his blood flow. The need for the operation seemed to trigger some anxiety about his longevity. It seemed to me at the time that he was thinking about it wrong, he had just undergone surgery that will prolong his life and boost his energy.

None of us know when the fateful day will arise but we do know it is not today, probably not tomorrow or even for many years. Life is to be lived and each day is offered to us to use in whatever way we chose. So I think we all should chose to make the best of it and because of that I plan to live forever or at least for a few more decades so I chose not to worry about life but rather jump on board and enjoy the ride.

Awhile ago someone sent me the following, I don’t remember who it was but I sure like their attitude.

I’m reading more and dusting less.

I’m sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden.

I’m spending more time with my family and friends and less time at work whenever possible. Life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not endure.

I’m trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

I’m not "saving" anything; I use my good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis bloom.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it’s worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.

It’s those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn’t written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn’t tell my wife/husband/significant other/parents often enough how much I truly love them.

I’m trying very hard not to put off, hold back or save anything that would add laughter and luster to my life.

And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that every day, every minute, every breath, is special.

~~~

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine. 

Anthony J. D’Angelo

~~~

She said: I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age.  When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead.  

"Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.  

"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"  

~~~

It’s time to start living the life you’ve imagined.

Henry James

~~~

A wife, one evening, drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet.

Why don’t you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don’t know her well enough."

~~~

Mom, I’ll always love you, but I’ll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

~~~

So true in the 21st Century …  

Our communication – Wireless  

Our dress – Topless  

Our telephone – Cordless  

Our cooking – Fireless  

Our youth – Jobless  

Our food – Fatless  

Our labour – Effortless  

Our conduct – Worthless  

Our relationship – Loveless  

Our attitude – Careless  

Our feelings – Heartless  

Our politics – Shameless  

Our education – Valueless  

Our follies – Countless  

Our arguments – Baseless  

Our boss – Brainless  

Our Job – Thankless  

Our Salary – Much Less  

~~~

"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep.

Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."

~~~

The holiday bowl games were in full swing and we had invited some other football fans over.

One couple brought their active two-year-old son, who began playing with a dish that was filled with antique buttons. After a few near disasters, my husband quietly removed the temptation.

The next morning, I realized the bowl was gone and went upstairs. "Don, where is the button bowl"? I asked my just-awakening husband.

"Gee, I don’t know for sure," replied my spouse, who prides himself on knowing the answer to any sports trivia question.

"I think it’s in Florida."

~~~

It is impossible to gain a toehold when acting like a heel.

~~~

She said: Stopping to pick up my daughter from Kindergarten, I found out that the topic of "Show and Tell" that day had been parents’ occupations.

The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living."

I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.

When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn’t sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."

~~~

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.

Voltaire

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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