Ray's musings and humor

Archive for September, 2020

More Tests

Ray’s Daily

September 30, 2020

http://rays-daily.com

Even if something is left undone, everyone must take time to sit still and watch the leaves turn.”

Elizabeth Lawrence

I am of for an early morning medical test, so here is another reprint.

Ray’s Daily first published on September 20, 2010

My special assignment yesterday took me to an Orchid Nursery and to a large colorful garden in another location that hosts weddings and other events for people from all over the world. I also visited one of the Midwest’s largest landfills. Why the mix? It was because they were all located in the center of the state well off the beaten track and near each other. I saw a lot and I learned a lot. I am glad that I am provided opportunities to discover things I would never select to visit on my own.

 Can you believe it, October tomorrow? I think I am in some kind of time warp things are moving so fast. If you are in the right region make sure you stop and listen to the leaves turn color in the weeks ahead, you’ll need to listen with your eyes.

Since I thought I better get a jump on planning I downloaded some of the October opportunities to consider. October is:

  • Dental Hygiene Month – In my cast this is a “protect your investment” exercise since I have spent a lot more than I paid for my first new car on dental work this year.
  • Let’s Talk Month – Advocates for Youth – This is worthy effort if you can find a kid that will talk to you and also explain what they said.
  • Talk About Prescriptions Month – What can this be about? I am an old guy so I am always talking about prescriptions with others my age. Hey, we have to talk about something that does not require memory.
  • Book Month – Only one book? I wonder which one.
  • Car Care Month – Let your car know you care, five it a hug.
  • Dessert, Pasta, Pizza, Sausage Month – Thanks a lot! No that I have diabetes you offer to overload me on carbs.
  • Seafood Month – OK, this works. What I am sorry about is that it took me so long to find out just how good fish can be.
  • Energy Awareness Month – When ever I have any I am not only aware I am also surprised.
  • UNICEF Month – Seriously the years I worked on global projects with UNICEF proved to me how effective they are. If you are in the US there will be kids with orange boxes collecting as part of Trick-or-Treat for UNICEF, I hope when you get a chance you will donate. I know I will.

~~~

“Just before the death of flowers,

And before they are buried in snow,

There comes a festival season

When nature is all aglow.”

Author Unknown

~~~

The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains. Neither one could account for his trouble. Arriving home from work one night, he informed her, “I finally discovered why I’ve been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago and I just learned today that I’ve been sitting in the wastebasket.”

~~~

Seen on a headstone in a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread,

And the Lord sent them manna.

Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,

And the Devil sent him Anna.

~~~

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.

The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. “My fee for that work, ” acidly snapped the attorney, “is five hundred dollars.” The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.

~~~

“Happy laughter and family voices in the home will keep more kids off the streets at night than the strictest curfew.”

~~~

SUCCESS

    At age 4 success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.

    At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

    At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

    At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

    At age 35 success is . . . having money.

    At age 50 success is . . . having money.

    At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

    At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

    At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

    At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

~~~

She said, my mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was onJury duty…

They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

~~~

What the Store-employees really mean…

1. “Can I help you get a size?”

Don’t touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don’t need your hands messing it up again.

2. “Do you need help with anything?”

Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.

3. “Welcome to <<Store Name Here>>”

Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of socks.

4. “Have a nice day!”

Now that you ruined mine

5. “Thank you for shopping at <<Store Name Here>>”

Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!

6. “Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?”

The more you can carry, the more you can buy!

7. “I love your shirt!  Where did you get it?”

Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here, why are you even shopping here?

8. “Can I help you get something down?”

I’ll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice customer put in the absolute wrong place.

9. “Don’t worry about folding it, I can do it”

You would just mess it up again if you folded it.

10. “No, we don’t have any more in the back”

I just don’t want to check

~~~

“October is the fallen leaf, but it is also a wider horizon more clearly seen.

It is the distant hills once more in sight, and the enduring constellations above them once again.”

Hal Borland

~~~

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

Life Goes On

Ray;s Daily

September 29, 2020

http://rays-daily.com

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”

Mother Teresa

This has been an interesting and challenging week so far. Yesterday my smart and competent three children led the planning process as we prepared for my wifes move to a room in our facility for folks with failing memories. Even though I know she will be happier there and will be well cared for, the imminent permanent living separation has not been easy for me. I am glad that she will be close and we can spend lot’s of time together. I am grartefull to have a caring family and that I live in a community with a caring staff, many who have become my friend. Yes, these are not easy times. But Nancy and I are so much better off than most that I need to concentrate on that fact while being grateful for what we do have.

Here is apoem in that spirit. So my friends I wish you well and that we all do what we can to appreciate what we have.

    Reflecting on Life

Take time to stop today

Take time to stop a while

Reflect on how life changes

Then take the time to smile

Know that as the days go by

These things that challenge you

Will one day just be memories

Of times you have gone through

Look back now on yesterday

And all you have achieved

Recognize the strengths you’ve gained

The blessings you’ve received

One day in the future

You will think about today

You’ll see just how these challenges

Have helped you on your way

    Written by Michelle Tetley

~~~

“Happiness is a quality of the soul…not a function of one’s material circumstances.”

Aristotle

~~~

1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don’t know each other.

2. They drive side by side, too. If they can’t find another slow driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane.

3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in their rearview mirrors, either.

4. Slow people drift sideways so they’ll block the path of anyone trying to pass them. If two people or vehicles are trying to get around them at the same time, they drift into the path of the one that is moving at the highest speed.

5. Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and you’ll wind up with soggy ice cream every time.

~~~

Courage is grace under pressure.

Ernest Hemingway

~~~

A scroungy looking fellow goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “No way; I don’t think you can pay for it.” The guy shrugs, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risqué.”

“Done!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a very large gerbil. He puts the gerbil on the bar and it scampers down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing some wonderful Scott Joplin tunes.

The bartender says, “Truly Amazing! I’ve never seen anything like that before. And your furry friend is truly good on the piano.” The fellow grins, downs the drink and asks for another. “Cash, another miracle or else no drink,” says the bartender.

Undaunted, the fellow reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous baritone voice and great pitch. A fine singer. Another patron from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $500 on the spot for the frog.

The guy says, “Done, sir.” He takes the five hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger beats a hasty retreat out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, “What are you? Wacko? You sold a singing frog for just $500? That thing must be worth millions. You must be crazy.”

“Maybe not…,” says the guy, “Considering my friend the gerbil is also a ventriloquist.”

~~~

If evolution is true, how come mothers still have only two hands?

~~~

One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields.

The first cow said, “I’m telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I’ve heard it’s spreading so fast that it’s already on Farmer Brown’s land just down the road!”

The second cow replied, “So what? It doesn’t affect us chickens!”

~~~

I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

~~~

One finds the most romantic people at home improvement centers.

My son was helping a couple purchase a new door for their home.  After he asked what size they needed, the stumped husband yelled clear across the store to his wife in home supplies, “Honey, c’mon over here and see which one of these doors you can fit through!”

~~~

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewelry. The elephant then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.

When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.

“Could you describe the elephant?” the cop asked.

“An elephant is an elephant,” he replied. “You’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. What do you mean ‘describe’ him?”

“Well,” said the policeman, “there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant.”

“I can’t help you out,” said the frustrated jeweler, “he had a stocking pulled over his head.”

~~~

Choose heaven for the climate & hell for the company.

~~~

“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her room-mate.

“Terrible!” the room-mate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”

“He was the original owner!”

~~~

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. “This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well.”

~~~

Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”

Mahatma Gandhi

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

Bon Voyage

Ray’s Daily

September 28, 2020

http://rays-daily.com

“To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path.

Don’t worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest”

Ray’s Daily first published on September 28, 2006

As some of you know I spend much of my time with others who are in the process of deciding what they want to do with the rest of their lives. As I am sure you know it is not an easy task. Too many of us get lost in the process, someone tells us to go that way, another sends us someplace else, and our past tries to keep us on the same path we have always been on. Way too often the range of choices we have available to us is so debilitating that we just give up and stay in the same old rut.

If we are to venture of in a new direction, we don’t need a map, we can make our own. Every step we take may seem to lead in a wrong direction but that is never the case, each step is progress and if we take a wrong turn we just backtrack and follow the other path. Often it is not the destination that rewards us but the journey itself. Everything we see and lean along the way helps to make our journey more worthwhile.

I know one thing that is absolutely true; if you don’t start you will never get there. If you don’t know where and when to start, don’t worry about it just start somewhere. Progress is made by discovering barriers and finding paths. Life is to be explored and if you don’t want to enrich the journey all you have to do is stay put, close down your dreams, and be satisfied ending up where you are. But if you do you will miss more than you know.

But if you take the journey you will find as you progress you will gather momentum and discover navigational skills you never knew you had. Who knows you might find that your magic place is really not that far away. By the way, if you do start soon look for me, I’ll be the guy alongside the road who waves and wishes you bon voyage.

~~~

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”

Buddha

One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. The next year things were different, however.

~~~

“The children came over in person to thank me,” the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

“How wonderful!” the friend exclaimed.  “What do you think caused the change in behavior?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” the grandmother replied.  “This year I didn’t sign the checks.”

~~~

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:

“I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

~~~

She said: Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson Jermon was constantly hungry, I went to the ‘fridge to find something he might like. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili. “Hey, Jermon,” I called out excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. “Look! I found some chili.” Struggling to be polite, he said, “If you’re that surprised, I’m not really sure I want it.”

~~~

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

~~~

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnnie down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma’s kitchen.

“Well now, where’s my bucket and where’s my water?” Gramma asked him.

“I can’t get any water from that water hole, “Gramma!” exclaimed Johnnie. “there’s a big ol’ alligator down there waiting for me!”

“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnnie. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt anyone. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”

“Well, Gramma,” replied Johnnie, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

~~~

They say you can’t have too much of a good thing. I wish I’d been part of that study.

~~~

At a Mass at which some young ladies were to take their finals vows to become nuns, the Bishop presiding noticed two Rabbis enter the church just before the service began. They insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The Bishop wondered why they had come, but he didn’t have time to inquire before the Mass began.

When it came time for the announcements, the Bishop’s curiosity got the better of him. He welcomed the two Rabbis and asked why they had chosen to be present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the “Brides of Christ.”

The elder of the Rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, “Family of the Groom.”

~~~

Right is right, even if everyone is against it; and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it.

William Penn

~~~

A young man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing inconsolably.

“I feel terrible,” she told him. “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”

“Forget it,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”

“Yes, and it’s lucky you have,” said the woman, drying her eyes. “I used them to patch the hole.”

~~~

He who is outside the door has already got a good part of his journey behind him.

Dutch proverb

~~~

He said: The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar. “Hey,” commented my 11-year-old, “it sounds as if someone just got his food.”

~~~

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Oscar Wilde

~~~

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.  

“I’m losing my memory, Doctor,” he sobbed. “What should I do?”  

“Pay me in advance.”  

~~~

~~~

Ever notice how kids learn to drive a car in no time, but cannot understand the workings of the lawn mower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner?

“I play golf in the low 80’s,” the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.

“Wow,” said the young man, “that’s pretty impressive.”

“Not really,” said the little old man. “Any hotter and I’d probably have a stroke.”

~~~

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

~~~

“The difficulties you meet will resolve themselves as you advance.

Proceed, and light will dawn, and shine with increasing clearness on your path.”

Jim Rohn

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

Don’t Give Up

Ray’s Daily

September 25, 2020

http://rays-daily.com

“Learn how to be happy with what you have while you pursue all that you want.”

Jim Rohn

These are not easy times for me or many others. The tough part is that so much of what is going on is not in our control. There is nothing that I know of that I can do about my wife’s health problems, my failing eyesight, my limited mobility or the current epidemic. But what I can do is adjust to todays realities and do the best I can. Giving up is not the answer.

I can work to make my wife’s days as pleasant as possible, stay connected with friends and family and  find ways to learn and stay active. There is always more waiting for us tomorrow, but it is up to us to be open tor what it may hold.

Here is an edited article that has tips for how we can make our lives as positive as possible.

Six Ways to Thrive in Tough Times

by Aila Accad, RN, MSN

Here are six tips that can help you thrive in tough times.

Nourish Yourself – Let go of the bootstraps for a few moments, acknowledge your stress and be kind to yourself. What nourishes you — inspirational reading, music, a cup of tea …? Are there people or places, a favorite chair or spot in nature that provide sustenance? Make nurturing yourself every day a priority.

Stay Present – Don’t project ahead. Take life one day, one moment at a time. Tough times are more manageable when you pay attention to making decisions and taking action on only the next step. Fearful preoccupation or worries about dire imagined future possibilities can leave you open to illness, accidents and errors in judgment that compound your problems. Scale down, simplify your activities and concentrate your precious energy supply on only what is critically important right now.

Accept Support – This can be difficult for people who prize self-sufficiency. Remember it is as virtuous to receive, as it is to give. Don’t deprive your friends and family of the pleasure to help you when you need it. Shared burdens provide opportunities for enhanced closeness and appreciation for one another.

Trust Your Resilience – Chances are you have been through tough times before. What natural strengths did you rely upon in those situations? What are your natural inner resources? Trust that you have what you need to see this tough time through.

Visualize Success – See yourself moving into a new chapter of life. How do you want to write that chapter? Creation begins in the imagination. In order to be free to dream and hope for something new, you must let go of old visions, descriptions and limitations of the person you think you are or can become.

Forgive Past Errors – Forgive yourself for mistakes or paths not taken. Release the burden of the past so you can travel lighter in the present.

~~~

“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

~~~

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”

“I know” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”

~~~

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

~~~

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.”

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.”

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog.”

The bouncer says, “A Doberman Pinscher?”

He answers, “Yes, they’re using them now; they’re very good and protect me from robbers, too.”

The man at the door says, “Come on in.”

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”

The man with the Chihuahua says, “A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

~~~

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

~~~

A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, “Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.

The hunter comes back on the line. “OK. Now what??”

~~~

“When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always get worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better.”

Malcolm S. Forbes

~~~

ay Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

Thank You

Ray’s Daily

September 24, 2020

http://rays-daily.com

“A friend is what the heart needs all the time.”

Henry Van Dyke

I have learned over the past few years to really appreciate what others do to make my life a little more pleasant. Often it is just a greeting offered with a smile from a passing resident. Sometimes it is a personal e-mail from a friend. Yesterday it was the housekeeper who cleans my apartment each week who said “let me know if there is anything more I can do for you.”

I think too often we do not value what we are given by others. It is when we learn to appreciate the offering of goodwill and friendship as much as the gift itself that that we will find more happiness. Here is a story about the true value of what we are given.

Gifts from the heart

According to legend, a young man while roaming the desert came across a spring of delicious crystal-clear water. The water was so sweet he filled his leather canteen so he could bring some back to a tribal elder who had been his teacher.

After a four-day journey he presented the water to the old man who took a deep drink, smiled warmly and thanked his student lavishly for the sweet water. The young man returned to his village with a happy heart.

Later, the teacher let another student taste the water. He spat it out, saying it was awful. It apparently had become stale because of the old leather container. The student challenged his teacher: ‘Master, the water was foul. Why did you pretend to like it?’

The teacher replied, ‘You only tasted the water. I tasted the gift. The water was simply the container for an act of loving-kindness and nothing could be sweeter. Heartfelt gifts deserve the return gift of gratitude.’

I think we understand this lesson best when we receive innocent gifts of love from young children. Whether it’s a ceramic tray or a macaroni bracelet, the natural and proper response is appreciation and expressed thankfulness because we love the idea within the gift.

Gratitude doesn’t always come naturally. Unfortunately, most children and many adults value only the thing given rather than the feeling embodied in it.

We should remind ourselves and teach our children about the beauty and purity of feelings and expressions of gratitude. After all, gifts from the heart are really gifts of the heart.

Written by Michael Josephson

~~~

“We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.”

Cynthia Ozick

~~~

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”  

“Objection!” said the defense attorney. “Irrelevant!”  

“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand. “I don’t mind answering the question.”  

“I object!” the defense said again.  

“No, really,” said the blonde. “I’ll answer.”  

The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”  

So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”  

The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know!”  

~~~

He said: I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can’t fix it, so I’m moving to New York.

~~~

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman. “Mom, what’s this?” I asked.  

“Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat,” she answered.  

“Is it working?” I asked.  

“Yes and no,” she explained. “I’ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!”  

~~~

Success is a journey, not a destination.

Ben Sweetland

~~~

Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western civilization.   

Moses said the law is everything.  

Jesus said love is everything.  

Marx said capital is everything.  

Freud said sex is everything.  

Einstein said everything is relative. 

~~~

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.

~~~

There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack. When they met up, the other redneck asked, “Whatcha got in that there sack?”  

The redneck with the sack replied, “Just some chickens.” The other redneck said, “If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?”  

The redneck with he sack answered, “I’ll give ya both of them if you get it right.”  

So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, “Five?”   

~~~

Ask yourself: Have you been kind today?

Make kindness your daily modus operandi and change your world.

Annie Lennox

~~~

The passengers on a cruise ship were fascinated by the sight of a bedraggled, bearded man on a small island.  The ship passed slowly by as he desperately shouted and waved his arms.

“Who is that person on the island?” one of the passengers asked a ship’s officer.

“I have no idea,” mused the officer “but every year when we pass that island he goes crazy.”

~~~

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

~~~

A plane took off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.  

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Please sit back and relax… OH MY GOD!”  

After a moment of silence, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”  

A passenger in Coach piped up, “That’s nothing… you should see the back of mine!”  

~~~

Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own.

Harold Coffin

~~~

This small skinny dude walks up to the bar and starts to sit on a bar stool, and a big dude on the next stool says, “That seat’s taken!”

The little dude sits down anyway.

The big dude grabs him and whacks him several times with the back of his hand and tells the bartender, “When he wakes up, tell him that was Judo from Japan.”

Next day the little dude returns, before the big dude gets a chance to hit him, he hits the big dude several times and the big dude falls to the floor. The little dude tells the bartender, “Tell that sucker when he wakes up, that was a Monkey Wrench from Sears.”

~~~

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.”

Eckhart Tolle

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

Appreciation

Ray’s Daily

September 23, 2020

http://rays-daily.com

Only through art can we get outside of ourselves and know another’s view of the universe which is not the same as ours and see landscapes which would otherwise have remained unknown to us like the landscapes of the moon. Thanks to art, instead of seeing a single world, our own, we see it multiply until we have before us as many worlds as there are original artists.

Marcel Proust

I am off to an early Doctors appointment this morning so here is another reprint.

Ray’s Daily first published on September 23, 2004

~~~

Proust wrote the above more than a half century ago. I can understand what he meant; I was fortunate to live in Chicago for many years and had access to the Chicago Art Institute’s great collection of impressionist painters. I also have had a chance to spend time amongst the great art works in the Vatican Museum in Rome. I, like Proust, saw the world a little different after each experience. I know many have no interest in art, music, literature, and the humanities, if it is by choice so be it, if it is because of a lack of opportunity to feel it, I am sorry. Many of the good things in life and in our human existence are the result of those who saw the world in all of its forms and used every medium to share their view with us. From ancient Greece to today people like you and I have had their lives enriched because of what others have created for us. I am so sorry for the children of today who have had the arts eliminated from their educational experience because we the public do not place adequate value on those things that can enrich lives. Some say we just cannot afford the cost, I feel we cannot afford the loss of citizens who see more than just the commercial world around them. I think if you take some time to revisit your local museum, go further in the depths of the internet to reach the beautiful things that exist there, or see a live performance of a play or orchestra, you will find that you will be glad you did. Beauty is often hidden, but it can be found if we just open our eyes, ears, and minds.

~~~

Art distills sensations and embodies it with enhanced meaning.

~ Jacques Barzun ~

~~~

LUTHERAN AIRLINES, INC.

If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline. You’re all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting experience.  There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight.  Meals are potluck.  Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft.  Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.  All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget is met.  Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this Lutheran Air 599.

Okay then, listen up: I’m only gonna say this once.  In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I wouldn’t bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.  You’re gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those back up in their little holes.  Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest with you, we’re going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet .. sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In the event of a water landing, I’d say forget it.  Start saying the Lord’s Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us, which some people say “trespass against us,” which isn’t right, but what can you do?

The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they may interfere with the plane’s navigational system, which is seat of the pants all the way.  No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the side of your head.

We’re going to start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style with the coffee pot up front.  Then we’ll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat pocket in front of you.  Don’t take yours with you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kidding!

Right now I’ll say Grace.  “Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these gifts to us be blest.  Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or pretty close.  Amen.”

~~~

“Be what you are. Do what you do. Do it the best you can, and you’re going to have such a good life.”

Helen Gurley Brown

~~~

Members of the Methodist women’s church circle were concerned because a widowed church member and her three small daughters were staying away from services.

Finding the reason to be a lack of suitable clothes, the ladies’ group corrected the situation in a generous manner; they held a bake sale and used the money to buy new clothes for all the children and the mother.

When the little girls still failed to appear at Sunday School, some of the ladies called to inquire about their absence. The mother thanked them sweetly for the clothing and explained…..

“The girls looked so nice, we decided to go to the Presbyterian Church down the street.”

~~~

If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap.

If you want happiness for a day, go fishing.

If you want happiness for a month, get married.

If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune.

If you want happiness for a lifetime, help others.

Chinese Proverb

~~~

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, “Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me.”

The caddy suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron, then a wedge, THEN a putt.

The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he underestimate his game!

Giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.

He then proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, “And now for one heck of a putt…”

~~~

“John, I can see that all your buttons are sewed on perfectly. You must be married!”

“That’s right. Sewing on buttons was the first thing my wife taught me on our honeymoon.”

~~~

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. He was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: “Is this pig?” Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: “Which end of the fork are you referring to?”

~~~

After you’ve heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

~~~

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. ‘Look, Miss,’ said the foreman, “Do you have any experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times!”

~~~

Contrary to popular belief, used-car salesmen are fairly honest with their customers.  It’s usually a condition of their parole.

~~~

Our humanity is a poor thing, except for the divinity that stirs within us.

Francis Bacon

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

RIP RBG

Ray’s Daily

September 22. 2020

http://rays-daily.com

“When a thoughtless or unkind word is spoken, best tune out.”

Ruth Bader Ginsburg

We lost an American icon when Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed the other day. She had an unparalleled work ethic, lasting until her last days. She stayed vibrant and intellectually active even as she battelled numerous health problems. She always maintained her her sense of humor as well as her basic humanity. I was impressed with her friendship with Justice Antonin Scalia proving that differences do not have to be barriers to friendships.

We have lost an inspiring human being and an outstanding role model for all who strive for a successful life. I only hope we as a people can rise above our differences and work together to regain our ability to bring harmony back to our nation.

Living an inspired and successful life

Here are 26 alphabetical tips for living an inspired and successful life.

Ask for what you want.

Be who you say you are.

Care about others.

Dare to live your dreams.

Ease through the day.

Find the best fit.

Give to another.

Hug a friend.

Inspire someone to greatness.

Jump over a boundary.

Kick a bad habit.

Leap across a fear.

Mention something uplifting.

Never say never.

Open your mind and heart.

Pursue your innermost passions.

Quit complaining.

Restore your smile.

Set your sights high.

Trust yourself.

Use all the day.

Value everything.

Wait until it feels right.

Xpress yourself.

Yank weeds from your mental garden.

Zoom into the now.

Written by Carol James

~~~

Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work.”

Stephen King

~~~

Hurricane tips for us.

* Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.

* No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don’t work without electricity.

* Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in their hand.

* Cats are even more irritating without power.

* He who has the biggest generator wins.

* Women can actually survive without doing their hair–you just wish they weren’t around you.

* A new method of non-lethal torture-showers without hot water.

* There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.

* TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful.  One day at a time, brother.

* A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6-12 oz Budweiser’s to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14-pound turkey frozen for 8 more hours.

* There are a lot of trees around here.

* Flood plan drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously wrong.

* Contrary to most Florida natives’ beliefs, speed limit on roads without traffic lights does not increase.

* Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not required.

* Just because you’re 35 doesn’t mean you can stay out as late as you want.  At least that’s what the cops told me during a curfew stop.

* Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.

* People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.

* When required, a Lincoln Continental will float–doesn’t steer well, but floats just the same.

* Some things do keep the mailman from his appointed rounds.

* Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing.

* Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged.

* 27 of your neighbors are fed electricity from a different transformer than you, and they are quick to point that out!

* Laundry hampers were not made to contain such a volume.

* If my store sold only ice, chainsaws, gas, and generators…I’d be rich.

* The price of a bag of ice rises 200% after a hurricane.

* Your water front property can quickly become someone else’s fishing hole.

* Tree service companies are under appreciated.

* I learned what happens when you make fun of another state’s blackout.

* MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30% higher electric bill ?????

* Drywall is a compound word, take away the “dry” part and it’s worthless.

* I can walk a lot farther than I thought.

~~~

An optimist laughs to forget.. pessimist forgets to laugh.

~~~

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned. “What was your sin, my son?” asked the priest. “I stole some lumber, Father,” replied the man. “How much lumber did you steal?” asked the priest. “Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse.” The priest replied, “Well, that’s not so bad.” The man continued, “Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage.” “Well, now, that’s a little more serious.” “Father, there’s more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!”

With a pause, the priest finally spoke. “That is a little more serious.

I’m afraid you’ll have to make a novena.”

“Father, I’m not sure what a ‘novena’ is, but if you’ve got the blueprints, I’ve got the lumber!”

~~~

“Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?”

~~~

This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the suit.

“I’ve got grounds, all right,” sputtered the irate husband. “Can you believe my wife told me I’m a lousy lover?”

“That’s why you’re suing?” pursued his lawyer.

“Of course not. I’m suing because she knows the difference.”

~~~

Cherish all your happy moments; they make a fine cushion for old age.

Booth Tarkington

~~~

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense. After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, “What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?”

The student replied. “BIG ones.”

~~~

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet.

James Oppenheim

~~~

Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, “What kind of boy did your daughter marry?”

“Oh, he’s wonderful,” gushed the mother. “He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlor regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night.”

“That’s nice,” said the woman. “What about your son?”

“I’m not so happy about that,” the mother sighed. “His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlor, and makes them eat take-out meals!”

~~~

“I would like to be remembered as someone who used whatever talent she had to do her work to the very best of her ability.”

Ruth Bader Ginsburg

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

Please Care

Ray’s Daily

September 21, 2020

http://rays-daily.com

Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get.

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Here we go again, another week. I continue to recover from my foot problem’s each day is a little better. While I do get to visit my wife for a little bit each day I do miss the companionship that we have always had, at least she is getting good care.

Ray’s Daily first published on September 21, 2004

If you are like I am you wonder what is going on these days. It seems like the events of the last few years have created fear, isolation, and often a lack of caring.

Schools don’t have the money to let children explore the arts, society, and cultures, and people say “it’s not my problem.”

Children are being abused, starved,  unloved, and people say “it’s up to the parents,” it is too bad that an innocent child can’t chose their parents, and when no one else cares, finds that there is no place to go.

Innocent people are being starved, beaten, and killed all over the world, and people say “it is not my problem, life does not have much meaning to the people who are the victims, it is just their culture.”

The list could on and on, I fear the terrorists have done more to us than we realize. In spite of it all I still have hope. Here is what Erma Bombeck wrote before her untimely death. If we all did as she recommends the world would be a better place.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the ‘good’ living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life anyone ever gets to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.”

There would have been more “I love you’s.” More “I’m sorry’s.”

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute…look at it and really see it …live it and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff. Don’t worry about who doesn’t like you, who has more, or who’s doing what. Instead, let’s cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let’s think about what God HAS blessed us with. And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally, as well.

We have one shot at this and then it’s gone.

I hope you all have a blessed day.

~~~

I feel the capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest significance.

Pablo Casals

~~~

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat.  He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror.  Being curious the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”

“That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man.

“Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.”

“Wow! Does that really work?”

“You bet it does.”

“Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.”

“Well, okay.”

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked,  “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?”

“You’re the sixth,” he said.

~~~

Any child who is anxious to mow the lawn is too young to do so.

Bob Phillips

~~~

Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat will stop my fellow mail carriers and me from delivering junk mail.  One day, I delivered an envelope full of coupons to a home.  It was addressed to “The Smart Shopper at 729 Main Street.”

The next day the envelope was returned with this note scrawled on it: “Not at this address.”

~~~

The person who agrees with everything you say either isn’t listening to you or plans to sell you something.

Bud Holiday

~~~

Some Jewish Curses

May your bones be broken as often as the Ten Commandments.

May God answer all your prayers – and then may He mistake your worst enemy for you.

May your husband’s father marry three times so you’ll have three mothers-in-law.

May all your teeth fall out –except one, so you can have a toothache.

May a child be named after you – soon.

May the heartburn after one of your meals be strong enought to heat your home.

May you grow like an onion – with your head in the ground.

and Last but not least

I wish you everything you wish me, and everything you’ll regret not having wished me after I’ve wished you everything I wish you.

~~~

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.”

George Bernard Shaw

~~~

The afternoon was drawing to a close, and the guests were getting ready to leave.

“Mrs. Goldberg,” said one of the ladies, “I just wanted to tell you that your cookies were so delicious I ate four of them.”

“You ate five,” replied the hostess, “But who’s counting?”

~~~

“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.”

Mark Twain

~~~

A gal bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn’t reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her “What Happened?”

She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, “Oy, these car designers, these people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!”

~~~

The value of compassion cannot be over-emphasized.

Anyone can criticize. It takes a true believer to be compassionate.

No greater burden can be borne by an individual than to know no one cares or understands.

Arthur H. Stainback

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

What do you see?

Ray’s Daily

September 18, 2020

http://rays-daily.com

“There are none so blind as those, that will not see”

Ray’s Daily first published on September 18, 2006

I thought he could not hear and that he was blind but what he had was a closed mind. I wonder sometimes how much we miss in life because we have chosen not to look or listen. Some say that they won’t eat Chinese, German, or some other countries food because they had some once. To me that is like saying “I don’t like any American food because I ate fried chicken once and did not like it.” I have found in every cuisine food I liked and food that was not to my taste, but I would not have found what I liked if I had not tried it.

It would not be so bad if the barriers stopped at food, but they do not. Too many of us avoid travel because we had a bad experience one time in the past. If I had let an unpleasant hotel stay in Paris keep me from returning, I would have missed seeing the city at night from Montmartre or having a pleasant spring lunch on a river barge while cruising on the Seine. I don’t like Wagner but it did not keep me from learning that I really enjoy the works of Puccini. Soccer was never for me until I had grandchildren who played and when I attended their games I learned what I had been missing.

When I stop to think of things, I avoid because of a past experience it becomes embarrassing to know that I have made decisions based on only one or two experiences from the past. What have I missed? Unfortunately, I think I missed too much. Since retirement I have become more adventurous, I do more, listen more, and see more. Not only do I learn things I never knew, I also now see things I am sorry I missed in the past.

Maybe some of us close our minds because we just don’t want to be bothered, or because it is sometimes unpleasant to deal with things in our world. I regret that these closed minds miss so much, I also regret that we often could have used their wisdom if only they would see, hear, think and share their thoughts.

Our lives are finite; each minute is an opportunity to reward ourselves with a new discovery, a new experience, and new found pleasure. I feel sorry for those who will try to hold up their coffin lid to holler out “wait! I am done yet” only because they have let too much pass them by in their life.

~~~

“Let us resolve to be masters, not the victims, of our history, controlling our own destiny without giving way to blind suspicions and emotions.”

John Fitzgerald Kennedy

~~~

A college professor asked his class a question.

“If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?”

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when Called upon said, “Professor you’re 44.”

The Professor said, “You’re absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?”

The student said, “You see professor, I have a brother, he’s 22, and he’s only half crazy.”

~~~

Don’t bother me. I am in the midst of living happily ever after!

~~~

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.

She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Later it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?”

A little boy on the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!”

~~~

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly: what is essential is invisible to the eye.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

~~~

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”

~~~

When choosing between two evils, I always take the one I haven’t tried before.

Mae West

~~~

Church Bulletin Bloopers

  • The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
  • 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
  • On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
  • Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
  • Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

~~~

“The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.”

Robert Frost

~~~

“So, what’s the matter?” asked Becky. “I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with the old professor?”

“Oh, everything went wrong,” says Mrs. Professor. “First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait and then that I was reeling in too soon. “All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse,” lamented Mrs. Professor, “I ended up catching the most fish!”

~~~

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

~~~

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

“Jeffrey,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?”

“My daddy said it,” he responded.

“Well, that doesn’t matter,” she explained, “you don’t know what it means.”

“I do, too,” Jeffrey corrected. “It means the car won’t start.”

~~~

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for.

Jose Addison

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

Make it a good one

Ray’s Daily

September 17, 2020

http://rays-daily.com

“Every day, it’s important to ask and answer these questions: “What’s good in my life?” and “What needs to be done?”

Nathaniel Branden

If you are like I am sometimes it is not easy to get going. In my case it takes a positive outlook about what the day can hold if I expect it to be a a good day. I know one thing, if I spend any time thinking about what is wrong these days the climb to the bright side becomes difficult if not impossible.

Over the years I have found that I expect the day to be worthwhile it is most of the time. I know one thing I don’t want to lose a day of happiness because I started on the wrong foot.

Here is a piece that I may have shared before but what it offers is worth remembering.

I have a choice about today

I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today and I am important. My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.

Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.

Today I can feel sad that I don’t have more money or I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.

Today I can grumble about my health or I can rejoice that I am alive.

Today I can lament over all that my parents didn’t give me when I was growing up or I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.

Today I can cry because roses have thorns or I can celebrate that thorns have roses.

Today I can mourn my lack of friends or I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.

Today I can whine because I have to go to work or I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.

Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or I can appreciate that I have a place to call home.

Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping.

What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have!

Have a GREAT DAY … unless you have other plans and please remember, a ‘Smile’ will make the days go better.

Author Unknown

~~~

“The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.”

Louis E. Boone

~~~

She said: My husband and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When my husband began a story, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table.

There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly, he stopped, grinned and said, “Oh, but I’ve told you this one before, haven’t I?”

We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

“What do you mean?” he replied. “I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me.”

“But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!”

Suddenly, we realized what had happened. Sheepishly, we returned to our table. His boss smiled and said, “Don’t worry. After the second one, I figured it wasn’t for me, so I passed it along.”

~~~

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

~~~

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient: “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy what’s your name?”

“Fred,” the cowboy moaned.

“Where ya from, Fred?” asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,

“…the balcony…”

~~~

It’s when you run away that you’re most liable to stumble.

Casey Robinson

~~~

A READER’S GUIDE

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country – if they could find the time, and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

~~~

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring and integrity, they think of you.

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

~~~

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks,” says the manager. “I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn’t like it.”

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis.

“No, thanks,” the plant manager replies. “I tried alcohol once, but didn’t like it.”

Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course. “I suppose you play golf,” says the salesman. “I’d like to invite you to be a guest at my club.”

“No, thanks,” the manager says. “I played golf once, but I didn’t like it.” Just then a young man enters the office. “Let me introduce my son, Bill,” says the plant manager.

“Let me guess,” the salesman replies. “An only child?”

~~~

“Positive thinking is powerful thinking. If you want happiness, fulfillment, success and inner peace, start thinking you have the power to achieve those things. Focus on the bright side of life and expect positive results. ”

Germany Kent

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

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