Ray's musings and humor

Archive for August, 2008

Farewell August

The man who doesn’t relax and hoot a few hoots voluntarily, now and then, is in great danger of hooting hoots and standing on his head for the edification of the pathologist and trained nurse, a little later on.

Elbert Hubbard

 

 

Hi everybody. This will be the last August Daily and there will be none Monday since it is a National Holiday for those of us who live in the United States. It is our Labor Day and the time we at least in theory celebrate and value our labor. For many it symbolizes the end of summer and the beginning of our return to our normal work schedules, our children are back in school and projects that have been on hold during the vacation season demand our attention.

Of course for people like me who are retired or who don’t have a place to work the days generally run together, in my case it is business as usual with meetings often seven days a week. For others everyday is dedicated to finding work or meaning.

September also means a new month that includes our opportunity to join others in recognition of specialized September activities. So rather than waiting to plan our month I have again included opportunities for your consideration since September is:

  • American Newspaper Month – I miss the newspapers of old with their broader coverage and how we all read and discussed the same issues. We need to keep those we have left and not depend on 45 second sound bites to keep us informed.
  • Be Kind to Editors and Writers Month – These are a dying breed and those that are good at what they do deserve our respect.
  • Bourbon Month – I think this use to be one of my favorites but I had enough of it that my memory is not to clear. Since I can’t drink for medical reasons I have found that those save the world breakthroughs that took place after an evening of Bourbon really were not worth remembering.
  • International Cooperation Learning Month – If only we could learn how to do it better. It seems that these days we are spending more time on how we can battle each other and less time on rallying around a common purpose.
  • Latino Heritage Month – It is the time for Hispanic festivals and they should not be missed. There are still enclaves where joy is expressed and a Spanish Festival with food, song and dance can raise the spirit.
  • Marriage Health Month – I have been married so long that I think our marriage is as healthy as it will ever be and that is very good.
  • National Bed Check Month – I don’t understand this at all, if I am supposed to give my bed a check I will. I check on it every night and it is always there.
  • National Courtesy Month – You know if we do nothing else it would be wonderful if we all went out of our way to be especially courteous. People will respond with a smile and we might like it so much that we do it all year long.
  • Pleasure Your Mate Month – I wish I remembered how but fortunately she doesn’t remember either and that gives us both pleasure.
  • Women’s Health Month – Please never ignore your health, we need you far too much for you to become sick

~~~

Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.

Ovid

~~~

Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the Scott isn’t able catch him, so Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.

This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"

Glenn catches his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me… what the heck is a piñata?"

~~~

A consultant knows the way but can’t drive the vehicle.

~~~

A group of Rabbis were having lunch in "Isaacs White House" kosher restaurant. Unfortunately, Isaac served them watermelon spiked with cherry vodka that he had prepared for another table and he realized his mistake too late to do anything about it. All Isaac could do was wait in his kitchen and expect the worst.

As soon as the waiter came back into the kitchen with the empty plates, Isaac grabbed hold of him and asked, "What did they say, please tell me, what did they say?"

"Nothing at all, Mr Isaac," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy cleaning up the watermelon seeds and putting them into their pockets."

~~~

"You’re Just Jealous Because the Little Voices Are Talking to Me"

~~~

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!"

Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. "Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they’ve fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don’t know what you’re laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"

~~~

It is when we forget about ourselves that we do things that are most likely to be remembered

~~~

This is a conversation that took place between a young man and a market surveyor in London.

Surveyor:  Which shaving cream do you use?

Young Man:  Raymond’s

Surveyor:  Which aftershave do you use?

Young Man:  Raymond’s

Surveyor:  Which deodorant do you use?

Young Man:  Raymond’s

Surveyor:  Which toothpaste do you use?

Young Man:  Raymond’s

Surveyor:  Which shampoo do you use?

Young Man:  Raymond’s

Surveyor:  (Frustrated) Okay, tell me, What is this Raymond? An international company?  A local firm?  What???

Young Man:  Raymond?  He’s my roommate.

~~~

It is essential to learn to enjoy life. It really does not make sense to go through the motions of existence if one does not appreciate as much of it as possible.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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Let’s Play

Our minds need relaxation and give way

Unless we mix with work a little play.

Molier

 

 

I had lunch yesterday with one of my favorite people. She is the head of a Non-Governmental Organization that makes a difference around the world by bringing volunteers, money and supplies to support projects in some of the poorest places on the globe. I worry about her sometimes because she never stops. She is raising money, managing a staff of caring people who do their best to stay on top of opportunities for service, makes presentations, motivates volunteers and often keeps her finger in a hole in the dyke. She cares so much and is so dedicated that she often leaves little time for herself. She, like so many of the best people I know has all kinds of demands put upon her time. Like a colleague of mine said one time, “most people only ask for about 10% of my time and they don’t think that is unreasonable, my problem is that there are fifteen people who only want 10%.”

After I left my friend I came home and pulled down a number of items that I wanted to think about and one of them really fits my friend’s situation and is worth considering for ourselves. I wish I knew where I got it so I could tell you the author but unfortunately I don’t know who wrote it. Here is what he said:

According to the world ethic, happiness is not natural – happiness is a pay-packet you earn for putting in the hours. There are, in particular, four erroneous, fearful beliefs about happiness that help make up the work ethic, and they are,

Happiness has to be deserved

Happiness has to be worked for

Happiness has to be earned

Happiness has to be paid for

The work ethic is all about labour: birth is labour, life is labour, love is labour, happiness is labour, work is labour, death is rest. We labour, not for the joy of it, but because we have learned to believe we must. The purpose of the work ethic is to work hard so as to atone for your guilt and unworthiness and thereby "deserve happiness" once more.

"Workaholism" is endemic, and for many of us our life is governed entirely by work. Once upon a time, we worked to live; now, we live to work. Any "life" we do have is merely recovery from work. We work, recover from work, and then work again. We go to the office to work.

After work, we bring home some work with us. For rest, we go to the gym for a work-out. Totally exhausted, we go to therapy to work through our problems – "I’ve done a lot of work on myself," we say. After all that, there’s the house-work! Finally, we hit the sack, too tired to be happy, but our mind is still working and we cannot sleep. No problem! Insomnia is a wonderful chance to get more work done!

The work ethic is motivated by the belief that anything worthwhile requires great work, effort and labour. According to the work ethic: creativity is not inspiration; it’s perspiration; love is a labour, not a joy; success is a fight, it never comes easily; health is about a "no pain, no gain" attitude; salvation is hardest of all – it is a wrestling match with the angels – just ask Jacob. Nothing comes easily according to the work ethic.

We are too busy working to be happy, to be happy. In the last ten years, the average working week has increased by over ten hours to nearly 50 hours a week; the lunch break faces extinction; 6 out of 10 men and 4 out of 10 women work Saturdays; Sundays are now a workday for many. To cap it all, when we dare leave the office at 5pm, there is always one sad, brainless colleague who shouts out, "Part timer", or, "Only doing a half day?" Guilt ensues.

As a society we spend more and more time as a human doing and less and less time as a human being. Indeed, the work ethic despises rest and play. We hardly ever go out to play anymore; instead we go for cardiovascular workouts, business lunches and corporate away days. According to the work ethic, rest is "downtime" – nothing useful is happening. Too much rest and you lose your edge!

Kick the work ethic into touch! When you are relaxed and happy, you perform brilliantly. Remember the old saying: "you do not stop playing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop playing". Work is an attitude. So too is play. Go out to play!

~~~

Play keeps us vital and alive. It gives us an enthusiasm for life that is irreplaceable. Without it, life just doesn’t taste good.

Lucia Capocchione

~~~

A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death."

"Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney.

"Because," he says, "I want someone to be sorry I died."

~~~

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

~~~

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing.

"Officer," he asks, "have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"

"No, I haven’t. What’s the problem?"

"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"

"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asked.

"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He’s carrying one of his ears in his left hand."

~~~

Harp: A nude Steinway.

~~~

She said: Sitting at the kitchen table after dinner one night, my son-in-law was telling us that he’d finished his training for volunteer firefighting and was showing us his beeper. As he spoke, the beeper let out a shrill "there’s a fire" message.

Bryan nearly jumped over the table getting to the door.

We watched him as he raced for the car and sped up the block to the fire hall.

"It’s wonderful to know our firemen are trained to respond instantly," I said to my daughter. "I didn’t know Bryan could move so fast."

"I hate to burst your bubble, Mom," she replied, "but the first guy there gets to

drive the truck."

~~~

I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.

Louisa May Alcott

~~~

Everyone was surprised when fastidious, virginal Percy lispingly announced his intention to wed.

"What, you, Percy?" was the amazed reaction. Some skeptics made bets that he wouldn’t go through with it, but Percy fooled them. He even went on a honeymoon.

Upon his return, one of the losers bitingly asked, "Well, is your wife pregnant?"

"I certainly hope so," said Percy with great sincerity. "I wouldn’t want to go through that again!"

~~~

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance or a stranger.

Franklin P. Jones

~~~

The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual guide and his response to questions.

Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get tired answering the same questions over and over.

An English tourist was giving his guide an especially hard time with silly questions. They were walking through a mountain valley that was strewn with rocks, and the traveler asked, "How did these rocks get here?"

"Sir," said the guide, "They were brought down by a glacier."

The tourist peered up the mountain and said, "But I don’t see any glacier."

"Oh, really?" said the guide. "I guess it has gone back for more.”

~~~

Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

Christopher Robin to Pooh

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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I know and that’s enough

“Pride makes us artificial and humility makes us real”

Thomas Merton

 

 

I had coffee with a media professional this morning where our conversation drifted to the pride we take in what we do. I shared with my friend that I felt that there are two kinds of pride, one is public the other is private. It is my feeling that far too many people fall into the trap of doing things only because it will provide them the ability to boast to others of their accomplishments. I am sure you know people who volunteer, join or do something just to get evidence that they can show to other people that demonstrates how special they are. I find many of them do what they do just for the notoriety and not because it is worth doing. I find this public display of pride to be overbearing and distasteful.

I relate more to those people who are driven by private pride. These are the folks that take pride in what they do and can at the end of each day feel good about their accomplishments. They don’t boast, they tend to be humble and in the process they gain the greatest gift we can give them, our respect.

I am sure I have been guilty of public pride, especially during my working years. My office walls were filled with plaques, awards, VIP photos, and the like. Fortunately not too many people saw what I had so I can rationalize that the display was for my personal reinforcement. In reality little of what I did then was as rewarding as what I have been able to do since. I think I have reached the point where I don’t think it is important that anyone else knows what I do as long as I do and that is more than enough for me.

It is in this spirit that I offer the following from Ralph Marston:

Anything you think to be "beneath" you will limit what you’re able to achieve. The people who are truly the most accomplished are those who do not consider themselves to be better than anyone else. Humility is critical to success. Why? Because lasting success in this world depends on the support of other people. And humility is a sincere expression of respect for those around you.

If others are constantly subjected to your pride and arrogance, then any success you manage to accomplish will be short-lived. Meaningful achievement comes from raising people up, not from putting them down. Those who are consumed with being better than everyone else, never give themselves the opportunity to be the best they can be.

Self importance and arrogant behavior reflect underlying weakness, while true strength, confidence and effectiveness are evidenced by quiet humility. Be a part of the world, not apart from the world, and your success will have a strong, solid foundation.

~~~

“Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position, or prestige.

It is discovered in goodness, humility, service, and character.”

William Arthur Ward

~~~

An older man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you’ve been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor’s orders?"

The old man says, "Since he found out I’ve been on birth control pills since December."

~~~

“I feel the capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest significance.”

Pablo Casals

~~~

She said: I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get very frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you’ll see a whole new set of labels. You’ll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don’t Know," "I Don’t Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it will be there waiting.

~~~

The best cure for insomnia is plenty of sleep.

W.C. Fields

~~~

Two Jews, one old and one young, travel in a train in old Europe. The young Jew asks the Old Jew: -What time is it?

The old Jew does not answer.

After asking him 25 times, the young Jew seem to give up and asks the old Jew: – Tell me, why don’t you want to tell me what time it is?

The old Jew answers: – Because then you are going to ask me where I am going to and I will have to answer that I am going to Zlabodka to visit my beautiful daughter Lea and you will certainly ask if she is single and I will have to say that she is single and you will certainly ask to meet her for a Shiduch and the last thing I want in my life is my beautiful Lea to marry someone who does not have money even to by himself a watch!

~~~

There is no right way to do a wrong thing.

~~~

The teacher asks her class to give her a sentence about a public servant.

A small boy raises his hand right away, so the teacher calls on him.

"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant," the boy says.

The teacher immediately took the lad aside to correct him.

"Do you know what pregnant means?" she asks.

"Sure," replies the boy confidently. "It means ‘carrying a child.’ "

~~~

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

~~~

The story goes that four ministers had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd minister out, after the usual "3 to 1 majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a *higher* authority.

"Oh, Lord!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!" It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the minister finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I’m right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the minister prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, Lord, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the minister, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The minister was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God…," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE’S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The minister put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?!"

"So," shrugged one of the other ministers, "now it’s 3 to 2."

~~~

Don’t judge those who try and fail, judge those who fail to try.

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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Maybe it’s time to start over

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.

Doug Larson

 

 

Sorry gang it has been a full and tiring day, first an early medical test, then a couple of hours in a dental chair getting major work done and then some critical activities that had to be dealt with so before I retire for a long nap I am pulling another past daily for your review. See you tomorrow.

Ray

~~~

First published August 26th 2004.

 

One of the greatest things I have found in life is how great it is to begin again. No matter what our age we can find adventure, joy, and satisfaction in doing something new. I don’t think it is a case of starting over the same old ground, but rather a choice to begin anew and cover new ground. Every time we do we are provided the opportunity to offload burdens from our past. Of course we have to take advantage of the opportunity and not carry past burdens that limit our ability to carry new cargo. Actually we can even begin anew everyday, maybe not completely, but at least enough to stick our toe in the water and test what it has to offer. A guy by the name of Bill Greer wrote the following that provides us a plan.

One of the best things we can do in our lives is this: Begin again.

Begin to see yourself as you were when you were the happiest and strongest you’ve ever been.

Begin to remember what worked for you (and what worked against you), and try to capture the magic again.

Begin to remember how natural it was when you were a child — to live a lifetime each day.

Begin to forget the baggage you have carried with you For years: the problems that don’t matter anymore, the tears that cried themselves away, and the worries that are going to wash away on the shore of tomorrow’s new beginnings.

Tomorrow tells us it will be here every new day of our lives; and if we will be wise, we will turn away from the problems of the past and give the future — and ourselves — a chance to become the best of friends.

Sometimes all it takes is a wish in the heart to let yourself begin again.

~~~

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well-meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)

Monday A.M.

Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control.

Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.

Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the frig. Hope you got back to sleep.

Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you about this. Dinner may be a little late. I’m doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.

Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris’s missing shoes? We’ve checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There’s some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.

Doris: Don’t panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:

1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal? 2. How do you turn off the milkman? 3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots? 4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy’s hand? 5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door? I don’t know what you’re having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M.

Hey: Don’t drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time.  ….. I called your mother. Have a great day.!!

~~~

Instead of taking your clothes to the cleaners and pay a bundle, donate them to goodwill or the Salvation Army. They clean them, you come back the next day and buy them for a dollar.

~~~

There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?" He said, "I’m a former window washer." I asked, "When did you give it up?" He replied, "Halfway down."

~~~

Ever wonder why we make vitamins in flavors so children will eat them, then child proof the regular flavored vitamins?

~~~

Ten Things You *Don’t* Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System……..

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airline’s new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o’clock….one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm….Sorry……(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)….uhhhhh….we have to go back ….we ..we ….uhhhhhh ….forgot something…..

7. I’m sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we’ll be flying much more efficiently now.

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

9. This is your Captain speaking….these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I’m used to.. so you’ll have to give me some leeway…

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

~~~

Remember this next time you meet someone that looks very bright to you, the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound.

~~~

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin’ fools. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.  The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

~~~

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

~~~

He said: When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?" "We’ll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him. "Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted. "Well, then I guess we’ll never see each other again," I quipped. "Okay," he said. "I’m riding with Mom."

~~~

Youth is the time for adventures of the body,

but age for the triumphs of the mind.

Logan Pearsall Smith

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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Humor

Thanks for caring

 “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

Leo F. Buscaglia

 

 

I recently stumbled across an article that reinforced something I really believe in, our ability to let people know we care about them. Sadly some of us just take even those closest to us for granted and seldom just take a moment to let them know just how special they are to us. We are frequently that way too with those we see often; acquaintances, colleagues, business people and others. They are all worth our taking time to let them know we do appreciate them.

All of these folks are important and enrich our existence and I personally think they deserve not only our appreciation but also our interest. Most people are like you and me and wonder if anyone really listens or cares about them. I think I do, but most of the time I don’t do a very good job of stopping and letting them know I do.

And then there are the people we do don’t know but who we meet casually as we go about our daily business. These people are really special because if you take the time to thank them, tell them how nice they look, or just let them know you are grateful for the brief encounter some amazing things happen, you get rewarded. Most days the best reward I get is from the smile from someone who is pleased and often surprised that some one cared to stop and greet them. In my experience nothing pays as well as that what we get from others when we stop and give them a chance.

Here is the story I alluded to in the beginning.

Show Someone You Care

I was sitting at the bar of a local restaurant having lunch and taking a break from the daily grind, sitting there thinking about how tough I had it lately and how I was sick of what I was doing. I own a landscape company and never felt I made a difference in people’s lives.

As I sat there feeling sorry for myself, a pretty girl who looked about 25 walked in and sat down in a booth waiting for her friend. It didn’t take long before I saw she was trying to stay hidden in a way from other people’s gazes and my heart sank. You could see her hair was falling out and, at such a young age, she was receiving chemo.

I sat there watching her trying to remain composed and she was having a tough time of it. I ached for her, imagining what it must be like to go through this and yet I know some of her pain.

You see I buried my wife, the love of my life just a few short years ago and watched her slowly fade away. I needed to get a message of hope to this girl but how? What could I do?

Then it hit me! I called over her waitress and explained that I wanted to buy the girl and her friend’s lunch but I also told her you can’t tell her it was me, it had to remain anonymous. In doing so, I handed her a note to give to the girl when she told her that her tab was paid.

The note read as follows:

"Someone today thought you were beautiful, someone today thought your smile glowed with excitement, someone today thought your eyes lit up the world, someone today cared and wanted you to know this. Enjoy the rest of your day, pretty young lady".

About 15 minutes later the young girl asked for her check and I watched as she was told it was paid for. She asked why? Who? What for? The waitress simply handed her the note and informed her that the gentleman who did it left, as to keep me anonymous.

I watched as she slowly read the note. Her eyes teared up, for only a moment, and then came the smile! A huge, beautiful, hopeful smile! She lit up the room and then sat up straight, not caring who saw her. Her friend also beamed, not for what was done but because her friend was feeling beautiful again.

It’s not how we look or what we have, it’s not our houses or how many cars we have, nor is it how much money we can earn. No, it isn’t. You see it’s all about how much we care and what we do, even if it’s making someone feel pretty only for a moment.

Yes, lunch cost only a few dollars but you see the wonderful part, the magic was free.

Make a difference today in just one life; it’s free.

Bill Renda

~~~

I expect to pass through the world but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness I can show to any creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer it, for I shall not pass this way again.

Stephen Grellet

~~~

There was a party in progress in the woods. Suddenly, there was a downpour of thunder and rain. They jumped out of the tent and ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their carjust as the rain let up. They jumped into the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing.

All of a sudden, an old Indian man’s face appeared in the passenger window and there was a light tapping on the window. The passenger screamed out: EEEEEK! Look at my window! There’s an old Indian guy’s face there!" The old Indian man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" The passenger rolled her window down part-way and asked, scared out of her wits, "What do you want?" The old Indian softly asked, "You have any marshmallows?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants marshmallows!" "Well, offer him the whole bag! HURRY!" the driver replies. So she fumbles with a backpack and hands the old man a bag of marshmallows and yells, "Step on it!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they halfway calm down, and start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What was that?" The driver says, "I don’t know. How could this be? I am going pretty fast." But, all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old Indian man again. Aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!," the passenger yells." "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. She rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?" The old Indian quietly asks, "Do you have a lighter so that I can roast the marshmallows?" The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him, rolls up the window, and yells, STEP ON IT!" They are now going about 100 miles per hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "HE’S BACK!" The passenger rolls down the window and screams out, WHAT DO YOU WANT?" instark fear. The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

~~~

It’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.

~~~

Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked."

"Well, at $50/hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it’s no wonder he walked."

~~~

For fast acting relief, try slowing down.

Lily Tomlin

~~~

Jill was really peeved! She was arguing with the druggist because her favorite cure-all could not be bought without a prescription.

"Look, lady. You can’t have this without a prescription because it’s a habit-forming drug."

"IT IS NOT!" yelled Jill. "I ought to know…I’ve been taking it regularly for seventeen years!"

~~~

A kind word is like a Spring day.

Russian Proverb

~~~

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on those decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous, "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker. "There would still be five, because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

~~~

Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness.

Seneca

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Category:

Humor

We can if we want to

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

Elizabeth Kubler Ross

 

 

When I read Ross’ quote I could not help but remember the many people I know who have overcome adversity. In some cases these good people have demonstrated a degree of courage and resiliency that I found to be awesome. Rather than letting their problems take them down they actually developed a strength of character and objectivity that added more meaning to their lives than they experienced in the past.

These individuals have developed a life perspective that allows them to value what really is important and waste as little time as possible on what isn’t important. A doctor friend of mine does so by the extraordinary lengths she goes to nurture her patients. Another friend who had a number of past business and career successes in his life suffered a number of debilitating illness he does not work any longer but he now spends his time doing as much as he can for others.

I think what makes these people so special and so optimistic is that they now place the highest value on things that too many of us take for granted. They know every breath is precious, they know that the time to show love to those we care about is now and not someday, and they know the value of kindness.

The good news is that you and I don’t have to have a near death experience, suffer great pain or overcome a huge personal loss to find what these fine folks have discovered. All we have to do is decide we don’t want to risk waiting until it is too late to change how we live realizing that days quickly turn into months, years and finally eternity. We can reap the rewards that come to those who live life as it can be lived if we decide we don’t want to coast through our lives missing the best the world has to offer.

~~~

In the midst of winter, I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer.

Albert Camus

~~~

Sadie bumps into her friend Rachel at the mall.

"You’re looking very tired today, Rachel. Did you have a late night?"

"Yes," replies Rachel, "but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."

"Wow, fantastic," says Sadie, "so what were the choices he gave you, Rachel?"

"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory or else he could make my Harry the best lover in the world."

"So tell me already, Rachel, what did you choose?"

"I can’t remember," replies Rachel.

~~~

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

Robert Frost

~~~

To Whom it May Concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.

I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to play dodgeball at recess and paint with watercolors in art. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. Somewhere in our youth, we matured and learned too much. There are nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, and abused children. Lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain, and death. A world where companies poison our water and our soil, and children kill.

What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn’t grasp the concept of death? When the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to return to the days when children played hide-n-seek outside instead of being glued to a television, when video games were as harmless as Pac-Man…instead of spine-ripping, blood-splattering mind numbers like Mortal Combat, and TV still had some shows on that weren’t about sex, killing, and lies.

I remember being naive and thinking everyone was happy because I was. Afternoons were spent climbing trees and fences and riding my bike. I never worried about time, bills, or where I was going to find the money to fix my car. I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, not worry about what I’ll do if this doesn’t work out. I want to live simple again.

I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So…. here’s my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, ’cause. . .     "Tag! You’re it."

~~~

Every man has three characters: that which he shows, that which he has, and that which he thinks he has.

Alphonse Karr

~~~

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and a white-knuckled passenger looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.

There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," screamed a terrified passenger, "aren’t those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn’t," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We’re going to get help."

~~~

People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

~~~

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!"

The man was a real smart aleck and he said, "That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright."

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.

The young man ran back to his car and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

She smiled and told him, "That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!"

~~~

The marvellous richness of human experience would lose something of rewarding joy if there were no limitations to overcome. The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse.

Helen Keller

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Category:

Humor

Thanks for telling me

“If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth.”

Mitsugi Saotome

 

 

I could not resist using Saotome’s quote today since I feel so strongly about our recognizing how important we are to each other. It is not only the pleasure of sharing something we hold dear with another it is also how we compliment each other and benefit from the interaction. In fact if the truth be told we need each other.

As an example an Engineer and I were talking this morning about how we and others handle criticism and correction. We both agreed that it does us no good at all to defend our beliefs without hearing why someone else thinks we are wrong. In fact I said I like being wrong, I don’t mean I jump for joy when I am mistaken, what I mean is that when someone offers me information that shows I am in wrong I will have learned something and not continue to misinform. We all know people who continue along fat dumb and happy without stopping to verify their chosen truths, I would much rather stop and listen and make corrections and move on based on what I learned.

Have you noticed that the misguided are misguided, I mean you never know where they are going to end up and when they get there they wonder what happened. So my friends I want you to know that I am the guy who stops and asks for directions, not because I am so smart but rather because I realize I really don’t have all the answers. You can do me a favor though, when you point out that I said something stupid, be kind, after all I am the resident old guy!

~~~

“We are not put on earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are there always for others, then in time of need, someone will be there for you.”

~~~

Immutable Facts

When one wishes to unlock a door but has only one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)

When one’s hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)

Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance So Sorry Law)

When things seem to be going well, you’ve probably forgotten to do something. (Cheney’s Second Corollary)

When things seem easy to do, it’s because you haven’t followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it’s probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem. (Law of Gravitas)

Most problems are not created or solved; they only change appearances. (Einstein’s Law of Persistence)

You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)

Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call you’ve been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)

If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of Wasteland)

~~~

"My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire department."

Harry Hill

~~~

Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven.

After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.

"You say you have experience selling books?"

"Lots of it," replies Jim.

"And you have a Master’s in American history from the University of Michigan?"

"Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study."

"Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm."

While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls.

Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine looking men. Your partners?"

~~~

She asked: My husband has suggested a candlelight dinner at home for our anniversary. Is he being romantic or just cheap?

~~~

When the heir to the Rothschild fortune visited a poor Jewish village near Budapest, the locals poured out to greet him. With all due ceremony, he was given a small parade, met with the mayor, and awarded a key to the city.

At the local inn, he ordered some roast chicken for brunch. When he finished, he received a bill larger than the most expensive bottle of wine his family sold.

"This is outrageous!" Rothschild shouted at the innkeeper. "Never in my life have I been charged so much for a roast chicken! Are chickens that rare around here?"

"Not at all," said the innkeeper reassuringly. "But millionaires — ah, they are a rarity!"

~~~

I am always doing things I can’t do, that’s how I get to do them.

Pablo Picasso

~~~

Billy’s dad was away on a business trip. So he wanted to sleep with his mother. The first night she refused. The second night she refused again. On the third night she decided to let him lay there for a while and take him to bed when he fell asleep.

So Billy put on his pajamas and jumped into bed on his father’s side. With both his hands behind his head, he said to his mother just before she fell asleep: "With Christmas approaching, don’t you think it would be a good idea if we buy Billy a bicycle?"

~~~

When you walk with wise men, you will become wise, but a companion of fools will be destroyed.

Proverbs 13:20

~~~

My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a reference on her resume, which she planned to submit to a local fast food restaurant. I agreed.

A few days later, she called and asked me to meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview and she told me to bring my references."

~~~

The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast

~~~

A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. "I’m here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.

"I didn’t call a plumber," said the lady.

"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren’t you Mrs. Snyder?"

The Snyders moved out of this house over a year ago," explained the lady.

"How do you like that?" grunted the plumber. "They call you up and tell you it’s an emergency and then they move away!"

~~~

Any person capable of angering you becomes your master.

He can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.

Epictetus

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Category:

Humor

Liesure is a gift to yourself

He enjoys true leisure who has time to improve his soul’s estate.

Henry David Thoreau

 

 

Most every day I spend time with at least one person who is at a major point in there lives where the path ahead is rocky and the destination unclear. Sometimes the burden that these good folks carry is almost unbearable. Their problems may be the result of a loss of job and income, a major uninsured illness, a child in trouble, isolation and loneliness and too many other problems and concerns to mention. Most of their problems are situational, but others are chronic. The difficulty for many is that they lose perspective and balance. Too many of us only work and sleep, others of us may take relaxation in between work and sleep to the extent that if someone doesn’t nudge us once in awhile we would vegetate. And then there are those of us who don’t have to work who plant ourselves so firmly in one spot that we stagnate.

As a psychologist friend and I discussed friends and mutual acquaintances this morning we again came to the conclusion that too many us fail to get more out of life because we don’t know how to get out of the doldrums or even worse we are afraid to try. After our talk I did a little exploring and found these tips that I wish most of us would consider. They are excerpted from an article entitled Leisure Activities: The Way To Beat Stress by Bruce F Morehouse.

MASTERING LEISURE SKILLS

By mastering leisure skills in each of these five major activities areas, the retiree can begin to build the elements of a full and rewarding life in years to come.

NOTE: I believe these are needed even during our working years if we are to reap the advantages of a balanced life. Ray

1. PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES reap benefits that have been widely documented in both the popular press and in professional journals. There is evidence suggesting a direct correlation between physical improvement and emotional well being. Immediate results can be seen in a marked improvement in self esteem and a more positive attitude toward work and household chores.

2. SOCIAL ACTIVITIES and the relationships they develop shape much of the substance of our experience. Individuals influence each others’ opinions, attitudes, values, and behavior. Information is exchanged in an atmosphere where alternative views can be presented and discussed. Finally, it allows us to see ourselves through the eyes of others. We then learn how others view us which leads to more positive social interaction and greater feeling of overall satisfaction with life.

3. CULTURAL ACTIVITY is both a rewarding and an educational experience. Activities such as reading or attending the theater can be thought of as a form of communication with the great masters of the past. This enhances a feeling of continuity with our shared cultural heritage. In addition, we can gain a greater awareness and understanding of other cultures through these activities.

4. FAMILY ACTIVITIES provide an opportunity for interpersonal interaction that is free from the every day roles of parent and child. This allows for understanding of family members as individuals in a setting of mutual equality. The activities increase family cohesiveness and improve communication.

5. HOBBIES provide activities that allow escape from the "being up" aspect of social interaction. They act as a balance to the work day and compliment the more active forms of social and physical leisure. They are a form of focused attention that allow rest from the problems of every day living. Hobbies also allow creativity that may not be present in the work world.

As the individual develops leisure competency in the five activity areas he or she will be laying the foundation for a well balanced and rewarding life in the years to come.

~~~

What is this life if, full of care, We have no time to stand and stare. No time to stand beneath the boughs And stare as long as sheep or cows. No time to see, when woods we pass, Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass. No time to see, in broad daylight, Streams full of stars, like skies at night. No time to turn at Beauty’s glance, And watch her feet, how they can dance. No time to wait till her mouth can Enrich that smile her eyes began. A poor life this if, full of care, We have no time to stand and stare.

William Henry Davies

~~~

He said:

Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day.

When she’s in a good mood it turns green.

When she’s in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.

~~~

Living well and beautifully and justly are all one thing.

Socrates

~~~

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That’s amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That’s amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor’s powers!"

~~~

Why do ships carry cargoes and cars carry shipments?

~~~

Sadie stopped by an usher at the entrance to the synagogue.

The usher asked, "Are you a friend of the bride?"

Sadie quickly replied, "No, of course not. I am the groom’s mother."

~~~

Concern should drive us into action and not into depression.

Karen Horney

~~~

A widowed lady, travelling alone, was taking a long plane trip back to where she & her husband both grew up. Upon arriving at the airport she informed the airline that she wanted to take her dog with her in the cabin. She became angry when the airline told her she couldn’t, but finally gave in and allowed them to put the dog carrier with the dog in the baggage compartment.

The airline pilot told her, "It will be warm & pressurized in there, & your dog should be just fine. Nothing to worry about."

Upon arrival at the first fuel stop, the crew went to check on the dog and found it dead! The airline crew quickly ran all over town until they found a dog of the same color, height, weight, and sex & put it in the cage in place of the dead dog

Upon arrival at their final destination, they hand delivered the lady her dog. Quite surprised, the woman says, "Sorry, but that’s not my dog! Could you please go get *my* dog! ?"

The airline pilot replies, "Sure it’s your dog. Look! It’s the same height, weight, color, & sex as when we loaded it."

The lady again insisted, "THIS, IS *NOT* MY DOG!"

The airline pilot asks her, "Just how do you know that this isn’t your dog?"

The widow answers. . . . "Because my dog was dead! I was taking it home to bury it next to my husband!"

~~~

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

~~~

Jewish humor has it that a rabbi and a priest met at the town picnic and began their usual "kibitzing." "This baked ham is just delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really should try some. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful thing should be forbidden.

You just don’t know what you’re missing. You haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Kennedy’s baked ham. Tell me rabbi, when are you going to break down and try a little ham?"

The rabbi looked at the priest, smiled and said, "At your wedding."

~~~

Stress is like a violin string. If there’s no tension, there’s no music. But if the string is too tight, it breaks. You want to find the right level of tension for you–the level that makes harmony in your life.

Allen Elkin

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Category:

Humor

The truth is worth finding

“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.”

Galileo

 

 

Does it seem to you that we are slipping down a negative slope these days? It is starting to seem that way to me. Everywhere I turn I find examples of people who seem to believe the best way to win is to make sure the other guy loses. Of course the best examples are the political contests, I get loads of mail from people who only report flaws, sadly they also think using ridicule, invective and even falsehoods are OK as long as they make sure that the other guy gets hurt. When did we start tolerating dirty tricks as a legitimate weapon, where we not brought up to believe that the ends don’t justify immoral means?

What bothers me is that often when I ask some one to tell me something good about the person or organization they don’t like, they have no answer. They are so into finding fault that they have no time to look for anything redeeming. It is as if some of us have become so tribal that we act as if we are gorillas in a war who blindly follow the dictates of others with out stopping to ask why we are in the battle in the first place. My fear is that if we become so cynical that we only look to find fault we will all sink into the mud. I want to join up with the people who look for the good in others and then examine the faults, for it is only then will we be able to build on the best and correct the worst.

Can it be that issues are so black and white that the like minded always agree in mass? What happened to our investing in ourselves by listening to both sides of issues and making decisions on a reasoned examination of the results? When did we start to listen mainly to the loudest while ignoring the most thoughtful? I know these are not absolutes as I know generally that you don’t fall into the populist trap of supporting only the panderers to our prejudices. I just feel we need more of you who care enough to look for the truth for if we don’t we have no one to blame for future generations fulfilling George Orwell’s 1984 predictions but ourselves. Fortunately people have the propensity to rise above the mud, let’s hope that more do than don’t.

~~~

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Steve Jobs

~~~

A elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said,

"There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has." They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there’s a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has."

The little boy thought for a while and then said,

"You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."

"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.

"Well, whichever place you go to, you’ll have some money to draw on."

~~~

"Try to keep your soul young and quivering right up to old age, and to imagine right up to the brink of death that life is only beginning. I think that is the only way to keep adding to one’s talent, and one’s inner happiness."

George Sand

~~~

She said: My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall.

"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You’ve got to come here and see what I found."

I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.

~~~

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

~~~

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:

"An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.’"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

She wasn’t selected for the jury.

~~~

What an automated society we live in. Have you ever noticed that when a traffic signal turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the car behind you?

~~~

Cartoon Laws Of Physics

Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Cartoon Law III Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Cartoon Law IV The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Cartoon Law V All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Cartoon Law VI As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

Cartoon Law VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l’oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall’s surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.

Cartoon Law VIII Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives, might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

Cartoon Law Amendment A A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law Amendment B The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.

Cartoon Law Amendment C Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

Cartoon Law Amendment E Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).

~~~

Truth only reveals itself when one gives up all preconceived ideas.

Shoseki

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

Category:

Uncategorized

Let’s go on together

Genius, that power which dazzles mortal eyes, is oft but perseverance in disguise.

Henry Willard Austin

 

 

I spend a lot of time with a lot of different people; some retired, some between jobs and others just getting on with their lives. It usually does not take too long to discover the ones who are just coasting through their lives and those who are pressing on to find more meaning as their years go by. I don’t know if those that coast just give up, are too lazy to search for a better tomorrow or just don’t believe that there really could be a better tomorrow. All I know is that I find a vibrancy and zest for life in those who get up each day believing there is more to see, more to learn, and an ever better life just around the bend.

I love the active and full-of-life people I know, they are fun to be around, they see the good too many of us often miss, and their energy and optimism is infectious. Sadly I also know many who have decided to sit back and accept the status quo as they begin the stagnation and withering process that is the death knell to a life that could have been more. If you are like me you probably know people who seem far older than they are and others that are far younger than their real age. Me, I am hoping to be the guy who holds up the coffin lid and hollers “Wait I’m not done yet!!”

Realistically we are given many excuses that turn into a rationale for giving up but those who know a better day is possible persevere and keep going. I can guarantee that you’ll not find what you are looking for if you stop looking and if you keep looking you might not find what you thought you were looking for but as often as not you’ll find something better.

Here is what Ralph Marston has to say about perseverance:

If you stop when you’re halfway there, or even three quarters of the way there, or even nine-tenths of the way there, you’ll never reach your destination.

It is exciting to get started, and it is a thrill to arrive. And the thing that makes it all happen is perseverance. There is no substitute for it. When everything is working in your favor, keep going, for it would indeed be foolish to stop. When things are working against you, keep going, and your determination will turn the tide.

The point is, keep going. There are no rewards for half of an accomplishment. You get no commission when you make three quarters of a sale. You can only win the race, when you run it through to the end. All the great ideas, and talent and genius in the world, cannot help you unless you persevere.

Know where you’re going, and keep on going until you’ve made it all the way there.

~~~

Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. 

I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down.

Charles F. Kettering

~~~

Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury.

"I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth said.

"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner’s manual. "Here it is: rear defrosters."

~~~

I’m convinced that in a past life I was somebody named Occupant, and they’re still forwarding my mail.

~~~

It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war."

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "I KNEW IT! The cook’s working for the Germans!"

~~~

“Those who wish to sing, always find a song.”

Swedish Proverb

~~~

Here in Indiana, you don’t see too many people hang-gliding. Ol’ Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest hill, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge–into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin’ on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! " Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG…BANG…..BANG…..BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops."

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol’ Zeek!"

~~~

The young do not know enough to be prudent and therefore, they attempt the impossible and achieve it, generation after generation.

Pearl S. Buck

~~~

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach "I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!"

~~~

Risk more than others think is safe.

Care more than others think is wise.

Dream more than others think is practical.

Expect more than others think is possible.

West Point cadet maxim

~~~

It was the end of the day when a cop parked his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner was barking and he saw a little boy staring in at him.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," he replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What’d he do?"

~~~

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals.

Samuel Ullman

~~~

While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.

"Don’t help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."

~~~

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Category:

Humor

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