Ray's musings and humor

News

“Never awake me when you have good news to announce, because with good news nothing presses; but when you have bad news, arouse me immediately, for then there is not an instant to be lost.”

Napoleon Bonaparte

 

 

Have you noticed how some days are really good, some pretty bad, some so-so and then those that are really good for a moment or two before they swing to the really bad. In my case those days, with their mental gyrations really exercise my mind and test my coping skills. When that happens I should be grateful that describes my total exercise regimen.

So far my day has included plenty of highs and lows. It started out with my making myself a good breakfast, I did wonder why what I took out of the freezer was not so solidly frozen. Of course like all highly skilled husbands I closed the door tightly and kicked the front of the appliance a bit, proud that I had fixed the problem. The bad news was that I could not overlook the water that started to drip on the floor as the ice in the icemaker melted.

The good news was that I discovered I had purchased an extended service contract; I never do that, so in this case my psychic powers must have kicked in at the point of sale. So I spent about 10 minutes utilizing my “press one if…..” skills before I got to a real person. The bad news was after I provided 3 or 4 dozen contract numbers, service numbers, model numbers, serial numbers, house numbers and phone numbers she scheduled a rush service call and happily reported that a service guy would be out late in the afternoon Thursday, I asked what I was going to do with all of the food in the freezer, fortunately she did not tell me.

The good news was I was able to load the most costly stuff into an outside freezer. The bad news was that after I called management to appeal my case so I could get a expedited service call, they called seven local alternative service company’s none who were interested in providing service.

The good news was that they told me to go ahead and get the service myself and they would pay the costs. The bad news was that after I tried everyone locally I called the manufacturer who happily reported that they had someone that would be out next Friday.

So my friends I now have some soft food, some aging dairy products, warm condiments and that’s not good, so out they go.  But all is not lost, we were able to scratch “clean out the refrigerator and freezer” off of last years things-to-do list.

~~~

“Anything that begins "I don’t know how to tell you this" is never good news”

Ruth Gordon

~~~

As the storm began to rage, the absent minded blonde professor started outside when his wife stopped him, asking, "Hey, where do you think you’re going, George?"

"I’m going out to water the flowers," replies the professor.

"But… dear, it’s raining outside!" replies his wife.

"You’re right," says the professor, closing the door and now walking to the closet….."I’d better take my umbrella."

~~~

A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

~~~

A psychiatrist was administering a Rorschach inkblot test to his patient. The doctor showed the first blot and asked what it resembled.

"That’s two poodles having sex," replied the patient.

To the second inkblot, the patient said, "That’s a naked gal leaning out a window, telling all the men who go by to come in and have sex with her."

The doctor showed him the third inkblot. "That’s a pair of panties," the patient said.

Unable to withstand this any longer, the doctor blurted out, "You have a filthy, disgusting mind!"

"Look who’s talking!" the patient cried. "You’re the one with all the dirty pictures."

~~~

None will improve your lot, if you yourself do not.

Bertolt Brecht

~~~

They love you…but they are not your lover.

They care for you, but they are not from your family…

They are ready to share your pain, but they are not in your blood relation.

They are……..FRIENDS!!!!!

True friend scolds like a DAD…

Cares like a MOM….

Teases like a SISTER….

Irritates like a BROTHER…and finally loves U more than a LOVER….!

~~~

Women like silent men; they think they’re listening.

~~~

Rabbi Sam Wolfson was giving his speech to the Jewish federation about the " Tragedy of Jewish Inter-Marriage " with non-Jews. Toward the end of his long speech the Rabbi clapped his hands…waited 10 seconds…and clapped his hands again. The Rabbi then explained that every time he clapped his hands some Jew married a non-Jew.

Immediately Morris jumped up from his seat in the audience and shouted, "So Stop With Your Clapping!"

~~~

Make new friends and keep the old; one is silver, the other gold.

~~~

A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking unto himself a bride.  

"Whatsa dees?" screamed Mother. "Who’s a gonna love you like a Momma? Who’s a gonna starch-a you socks? Who’s a gonna make-a you lasagna?"  

"Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Why are you talking like that? We aren’t even Italian."  

~~~

"Do You Want to Talk to the Man in Charge, or to the Woman Who Knows What’s Going On?"

~~~

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’ "

Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.

"What’s the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don’t you begin?"

"I’m waiting for my secretary," he replied.

~~~

"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they share a common enemy."

Sam Levenson

~~~

A Catholic boy was bragging to his Jewish friend. "My priest knows more than your rabbi."

"Of course he does," said the Jewish boy. "You tell him everything."

~~~

A friend of mine was visiting a college which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet.  If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer investigate immediately.

On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running."

~~~

Success has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself.

It’s what you do for others.

Danny Thomas

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: