Ray's Daily

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”

Anna Quindlen

 

 

It seems like I am meeting more people these days that are not as happy as they could be because they feel they have failed or at least not performed at the level they should. I am beginning to feel that we are a society that imposes on our children a culture of striving for perfection and it lingers for many for the rest of their lives. It would not be so bad if we allowed ourselves to ignore other peoples definition of perfection and chose one of our own so that we can rejoice in being what we want to be and accepting our ability to do what we do as well as we might.

I know I am far from flawless, all you have to do is read yesterday’s daily and note my typos and grammar errors to know that. Yet I would much rather make a few mistakes if it allows me to visit you everyday. The standard I wish for everyone is the opportunity to be what they wish to be and to be able to do as well as they can.

The very special people I know stumble once in awhile, loose a button, take a wrong turn once in awhile and then just move on. For me they are as perfect as I would want them to be for generally they are happy with themselves and live with little pretense and understand that life is to be enjoyed. Anyway who said we needed to be the best at everything. Like I have told you before, this is as good as I get, take me or leave me that is your choice, I have quit compulsively trying to be the overachiever and have decided to just do what I can for all that I can and that is good enough.

A good friend of mine is in the process of writing a book and shared with me drafts of a few of the earlier chapters, in it he offers these suggestions to his readers (John I hope you don’t mind me sharing with our readers).

• I don’t have to do everything perfectly. I can do them well. In fact, sometimes I don’t have to do things at all. I can do some things minimally and still feel good about them. I can choose to concentrate on a few things to work hard at doing well and let other activities slide and still feel good about my accomplishments.
• I can decide how well I am doing. I don’t have to listen to others telling me how poorly or well I am doing. I must learn to recognize that others may give me evaluations for their own reasons. Even when bosses or coaches or parents or teachers tell me how imperfect I am, I can still decide how much of their evaluation I will pay attention to.
• I will promise myself to be my own judge of my successes. They only have to meet my standards, not everyone or anyone else’s.

So my friends make a mistake today, enjoy making it, learn from it and then move on. Remember those who never make a mistake will never be part of the journey you have chosen, they will stay back huddled in the corner avoiding the possible criticisms that so many are so quick to offer.

~~~

Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.

Robert Schuller

~~~

A young Jewish man falls in love with a Native American woman and they decide to get married. When his mother hears the news, however, she is extremely distressed because she wanted him to marry a nice Jewish girl. When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American girl but has decided to live with her on the reservation, the mother becomes so upset that she refuses to even speak to the boy, practically disowning him.  

After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his wife are expecting a child. The mother is happy for him, but there is still quite a bit of tension in the air.  

Nine months later, the son calls the mother again. "Mom," he says, "I just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I also wanted to tell you that we’ve talked it over and we have decided to give the boy a Jewish name."  

Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is wonderful," she gushes. "I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life. You have made me the happiest woman in the world."  

"That’s great, Mom," replies the son.  

"And what," asks the mother, "is the baby’s name?"  

The son proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish!"  

~~~

Believing in our hearts that who we are is enough is the key to a more satisfying and balanced life.

Ellen Sue Stern

~~~

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She didn’t know what to do, so she called her home and told the babysitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don’t know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional."

~~~

Many a man’s tongue broke his nose.

Seumas MacManus  

~~~

There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:

"I have good news and bad news.

"The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

"The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets."

~~~

I began my education at a very early age. In fact, right after I left college.

Winston Churchill

~~~

A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor. After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.

The man asked, "How often do I take these."

"Let’s start off with once every six hours. But they’re not for you." replied the doctor. "They’re for your wife."

~~~

Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make yourself a happier and more productive person.

Dr. David M. Burns

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

There’ll be two dates on your tombstone

And all your friends will read ’em

But all that’s gonna matter is that little dash between ’em…"

Kevin Welch

 

 

It was another interesting morning. I had coffee with a friend who is at a point where he is about to start a new career. He is in his sixties so he can start a new life knowing that there still are many years ahead that can provide him peace, happiness and satisfaction while he is doing something of value. I also got e-mail from a young friend how is trying to decide on relocating to another city where she feels her and her husband can find what they were meant to do as the begin their new life together. Just like my older friend they are ready to start a new life.

These choices are never easy, too many people tell us what we should do, we are concerned about the unknown and we were always told to try never to make a mistake. To these dear friends I only could only offer my best wishes while suggesting they risk doing what is right for themselves. I have learned that it is perfectly alright to make a mistake, we can try what sounds right and if it is not what we had hoped for we can move on to something else. The risk we take is the chance to be happy. Taking the safest route often leaves one wondering for the rest of their lives what it might have been like if only they would have chosen differently.

The quote above reminds us that we live in the dash. None of us will be here forever and every day we wait to invest in ourselves is a day lost forever. I sometimes think it would be worth our while to think that the end is just around the corner so that we understood that now is the time, the time to start the rest of our lives the way we would like them to be.

So what got me started on this, it was the following article. It carries an attention getting message.

 

What Will Matter

Michael Josephson

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten will pass to someone else. Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear.

So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to do lists will expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away. It won’t matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end. It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought but what you built, not what you got but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage, or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.

What will matter is not your memories but the memories that live in those who loved you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident. It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice. Choose to live a life that matters.

Michael Josephson is a nationally known ethicist and radio commentator.

~~~

"The best way to predict your future is to create it."

~~~

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do – everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I’ve lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothin’, so what are ya goin’ to do?"

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home…. very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can’t remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it’s……" But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

~~~

Am I getting older or is the supermarket playing great music?

~~~

You might be from Las Vegas If…..

* – You no longer associate bridges with water.  

* – You can say 110 degrees without fainting.   

* – You can make instant sun tea.  

* – You learn that a seat belt makes a good branding iron.  

* – The temperature drops below 85, and you feel a bit chilled.  

* – You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.  

* – You discover you can get a sunburn through your car window.  

* – You notice the best parking place is determined by shade, not distance.  

* – It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is on the streets.  

* – Hot water comes out of both taps.  

* – You actually burn your hand opening the car door.  

* – No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.  

* – Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?  

* – You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.  

~~~

The self is not something that one finds. It is something that one creates.

Thomas Szasz

~~~

"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" a tourist asked the museum guard.

"They are three million, four years and six months old."

"That’s an awfully exact number. How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here and that was four and a half years ago."

~~~

Conditions are never just right.

People who delay action until all factors are favorable are the kind who do nothing.

William Feather

~~~

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepperand their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma’am," they said, "we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker…"

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

~~~

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart.

Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.

Carl Jung

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

Johann Wolfgang Goethe

 

 

I truly feel sorry for those who get up each day expecting the worse; far too often it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. It seems to me that there are those who will dig so deep to find fault that they do even when there is none there.

I much prefer those who always expect the best. Have you noticed they are the people that brighten the lives of those around them? They see beauty in things far too many of us miss. I think they also find satisfaction in the little things in life, enjoying most days as they go by. I know I would much rather spend my time with them than with the constant fault finder.

I don’t know about you but I know I don’t want to let some grandeous aspiration keep me so occupied and distracted that I fail to find the joy that exists in each day. I have learned that wealth is better measured by the number of pleasant events in our lives than by the amount of money we have in the bank.

These are becoming trying times. Many of us will see some hopefully short term reduction in our savings. The cost of fuel, plummeting housing value, and cost cutting at work can be a real challenge for many. I just hope that those who must live a more modest life style will find how sweet the flowers really smell, how good a simple meal on a lawn can taste and how far a smile from those we care about will carry them. Years ago we didn’t have TV or ten dollar movies but we had books, we drove less and walked more, we did not drive miles for dinner — we walked next door and ate with the neighbors, we did not have electronic games or even the ability to go very far for fun we spent our time with family and the friends who lived up the street. And you know what I seem to remember people were happier then than they are now.

If you don’t enjoy life and find the burdens too heavy why not consider joining us in the Happiness Brigade. Try writing down something you saw today that pleased you, note the smile a stranger offered, be pleased with the little thing someone did for you for if you do it often enough you’ll find that your memory bank account will be overflowing with your accumulated positive experiences.

~~~

Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think, say or do. It is more important than appearance, gift, or skill. It will make or break a company…a church…a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day…I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our attitudes.

Charles Swindoll

~~~

Never test for an error you don’t know how to handle.

~~~

A guy walks into a bookstore, not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A book with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want." So, he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

"Chapter 1: The First Date."

He glances the chapter over for a few minutes and then rushes out of the bookstore to call a girl he’s wanted to ask out for quite awhile. When he gets home, he picks up the phone and calls her. She answers, "Hello?"

He says, "Hi, Jessica. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

She says, "Sure, I don’t see anything wrong with that."

He gets excited. He thought she’d say no way, but she didn’t. So, he decided to take it one step further. He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"

She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

"Fine, I’ll pick you up about nine. You should be finished eating by then."

~~~

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I’m sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly and finally, his fall slows. He soars forward, swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally, he stops in mid-air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally, he says, "Is that all you’ve got? Bird imitations?"

~~~

Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.

~~~

Pauly and Maury were in the neighborhood bar… Again…And Maury remarked that Old Jim had just told him that He was now an octogenarian.

"What’s an octogenarian?" asked Pauly.

"I dunno," said Maury, "but they must be pretty healthy People. Every one of ’em I’ve ever heard of is eighty Years old or more.

~~~

Why is it that we travel hundreds of miles to get away from everyone at home and then send them postcards that say, "Wish you were here"?

~~~

My town takes jury selection very seriously. So much so that when it sends questionnaires to perspective jurors, every question is expected to be answered in full–plain and simple, no ifs, ands or buts.  

This was evidenced by the juror’s questionnaire I was sent. It asked, Do you speak, read and understand English? If no, explain." 

~~~

As long as you keep a person down, some part of you has to be down there to hold him down, so it means you cannot soar as you otherwise might.

Marian Anderson

~~~

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit

of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moaned to her Mom and brother, "Nobody loves me. The whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That’s not true, Mary. Lots of people don’t even know you."

~~~

Optimists make the best of it when they get the worst of it.

~~~

"Mom," said the little girl. "Is it alright to say you are going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"

"Yes," said her mother. "That is the correct thing to say."

"Well then, I’m going to milk the cat."

~~~

Doing nothing is tiring because you can’t stop to rest.

~~~

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain’t been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How’d you get rid of the gators?" "We didn’t do nothin’," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got ’em."

~~~

Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come.

Chinese Proverb

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

“The hardest thing you can do is smile when you are ill, in pain, or depressed. But this no-cost remedy is a necessary first half-step if you are to start on the road to recovery.”

Allen Klein

 

 

Hi all, I am back, but only for one week. My three day hospital stay last week ended up being five days. They started me on my new drug and then decided to up the dosage and restart the three day observation clock. At least there was no cutting this time, only lot’s of needles during their Dracula imitation period. They were a little sneaky though as my main blood draws and EKG’s took place between 2:30 and 4:30 AM. I think they did it then so they could sneak up on me while I was still groggy from being awaken.

It went well, although I am still adjusting and had to cancel a meeting this afternoon. I have a blood draw on Wednesday and an EKG on Friday just to make sure I am still breathing. This is a little more scientific than in the past my first Doc use to have me breathe on a mirror and if it fogged up he would declare me alive and send me on my way.

This hospital stay was at the St. Vincent Heart Center here in Indianapolis. The staff was the most gracious I have ever experienced. They all went out of their way to make myself and the other patients as comfortable and happy as possible. I have never been where the cleaning people, food delivery staff, the nurses and technicians all went the extra mile like these good people did. I don’t like staying in the hospital but this was about as pleasant experience as one could have.

I thought as I was leaving that the recruiters must set the highest priority on attracting and keeping people who genuinely like people. It again demonstrated to me what I always found in business, friendly, courteous, caring people are the secret to a successful enterprise. And do you know what, in almost every case they are also the most competent people you’ll meet.

Anyway friends I am glad to be back, I missed you all. I am now working on full recovery. I still have a ways to go though, I tried to jump over a building this morning and really hit my head hard, but at least it was at the third floor level so I am on my way back.

~~~

“It is important to remember that we all have magic inside us.”

Joanne Kathleen Rowling

~~~

He said: Yesterday my brother Jim was taking a test required for a management job with a local trucking company.   Part of the test involved a verbal section given by the company employment director (or whatever).

Question: "You are driving a forklift and 2 men get in your way, what do you do?"

My brother’s answer: "Go for the one with the most seniority!"

~~~

What is a friend? A single soul shared by two people. Aristotle

~~~

Found on the retirement village bulletin board

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim,5’4" used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and  am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and  meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

~~~

Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

He gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits. Finally he says: "Where’s my change?"

Says the vendor: "All change must come from within."

~~~

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880s. He’s buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore

Four slugs from a .44

No Les No More.

~~~

"Half our live is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed though life trying to save."

Will Rogers

~~~

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses’ mess saying:

"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being’s life are the most dangerous."

Underneath, a nurse had written:

"The last five are pretty risky, too."

~~~

When my son was in third grade, his teacher asked him to spell "straight."  He did so correctly.

"Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?"

"Without water," he replied.

~~~

It’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

~~~

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?"

Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."

~~~

We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy.

Joseph Campbell

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

 

Ray made it back from his day with the physicians yesterday a little droopy. Today I think he still is trying to reset his energy but also I know he was disappointed in what he learned. When they read out his pacemaker’s memory it showed that he was in Atrial Fibrillation and has had number of occurrences since his last operation. Of course that was a disappointment since he had hoped that the two recent operations had totally cured him but unfortunately it did not. The good news is that the problem has not been as severe, yet on occasion it does knock him off stride.

It is possible that starting him on new medications can reduce or eliminate the problem; the medicine they want to try does so in about 70% of patients with similar difficulties. The medicine they will use has some nasty side effects in about 2% of those taking it, if heart failure can be called a nasty effect. So here is the deal he is going back in the hospital for three or more days for observation while they start him on the new drugs, if all goes well he’ll be back at full speed soon. He is hoping that he will be able to be admitted next Monday. Right now he is doing fine just disappointed and worn out. He has had to back out of a number of activities for a little while at least. I told him I was going to send out another of his old dailies today and expected him to write a new one tomorrow.

Oh yes, he told me to thank those of you who have wished him well and to tell you he is fine, it is just another short term glitch that soon will be resolved.

Have a good day!

Ray’s Computer

~~~

March 5, 2001

Today is Custom Chief’s Day in Vanuatu.

I bet you are really ready to celebrate.

 

 

OK, today lets all:

*Strive for excellence, not perfection.*

*Be on time.*

*Don’t criticize anyone for 24 hours.*

*Be kind to other people.*

*Be even kinder to unkind people.*

~~~

A t-shirt on the back of a passing motorcyclist said if "You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off."
~~~

There really is a difference

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

~~~

"Don’t ya just hate it when you see one of those road signs that says ‘Draw Bridge Ahead’ and you don’t have a pencil."

~~~

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Nancy, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that’s over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.

The boss pressed on, "Who told you that you could come and go as you please around here ?"

Nancy simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, …."My lawyer."

~~~

David was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife.  He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

"David!!  David!!  Put down that paper and let’s talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today.  What do you suggest?"

David put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of silence?"

~~~

Doesn’t "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

~~~

Chet: How does Wilma like being pregnant, Bert?

Bert: She’s not "pregnant." She’s "expecting."

Chet: Oh!

Bert: She’s expecting me to do more housework. She’s expecting me to cook dinner. She’s expecting me to rub her feet, etc.

~~~

I asked a girl what her sign was, and she said "Stop".

~~~

From Frances:

What a Difference 30 yrs. makes:

1970: Long hair, 2000: Longing for hair.

1970: The perfect high. 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: KEG. 2000: EKG

1970: Acid Rock. 2000: Acid Reflux

1970: Moving to California because its cool. 2000: Moving to California because its warm.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems. 2000: Roughage.

1970: Paar. 2000: AARP

1970: Killer weed. 2000: Weed killer

1970: Hoping for BMW. 2000: Hoping for BM.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint. 2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones. 2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principals office. 2000: Calling the principal’s office.

1970: Peace sign. 2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. 2000: Children begging you to get their head shaved.

1970: Passing the drivers test. 2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: "Whatever." 2000: "Depends."

~~~

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway

~~~

Taking up painting, an asylum inmate worked for weeks on his masterpiece.  When he finally showed it to asylum doctors, they were stunned.  The canvas was entirely blank.

"Ummmm, yeah, it’s lovely," said one psychiatrist, "but, er…what is it?"

"Why," the inmate proudly replied, "it is a painting of the exodus from Egypt."

"I see," said another doctor.  "Actually, what I don’t see is the Red Sea."

"Ah," said the inmate, "it’s been parted…driven back, as it says in the Old Testament."

"And the Israelites?"

"They have already passed through."

"And what of the Egyptians?" demanded another.

"Are you blind?"  said the artist, growing indignant. "They haven’t arrived yet!"

~~~

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

~~~

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That’s right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn’t have any change for a reward."

~~~

"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do NOT care who gets the credit."

Harry S. Truman (1884-1972) 33rd U.S. President

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.