Ray's musings and humor

Archive for July, 2007

Stop Thief!!!

Energy is eternal delight.

William Blake

 

 

I need to report an energy high jacking so I will again have to send you something from a past daily or two. Sorry but as I was walking through my day I got robbed of my energy, it was that rotten Atrial Fibrillation guy again I’ll be glad when we catch him and put him away for good.

~~~

July 31, 2003

I have it on pretty good authority that many of you have not adequately supported some of the significant July activities. Well, today is the day, if you don’t do it now you will again have failed to do your part so:

Eat a hot dog and eat some baked beans, after all July is National hot dog month and Baked Beans month.

Hitch a ride to the hot dog stand because as you know July is National Hitch Hike month.

Finish off your lunch with desert; after all it is the last day of National Ice Cream month.

You might consider stripping at the restaurant, thus doing your part for National Anti-boredom month.

This is also a good day to make a resolution to not wait until the end of August to celebrate next months stuff.

~~~

Holidays are an expensive trial of strength.

The only satisfaction comes from survival.

Jonathan Miller

~~~

Two men, sentenced to die on the same day, were led down to the room where the electric chair was. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "Kill me first."

~~~

I live in my own little world. But it’s OK. They know me here.

~~~

Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, she arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C. airport.

This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United States and Canada, where her husband was asked: "What is your reason for entering the country?" and "How long are you planning to stay?"

He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to England. Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more questions in the same businesslike tone: "Is the house clean?" and "Are there fresh flowers on the table?"

~~~

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

~~~

She said: You have to train men the same way you do a dog. Be very clear about what behavior is acceptable and then give them lots of praise on those occasions when they get anything right, and instant firm correction when they do something wrong. Always use a calm voice. Don’t hit them, don’t make them stay in the yard overnight. Don’t stick their nose in the messes they make, but do make them clean it up. Restrict their access to power tools. Withhold treats when necessary.

Potty training is often difficult with adult human males because their mothers didn’t do it properly. If they put the toilet seat down tell them what a nice boy they are, and then give them a treat.

~~~

I’ve learned that ultimately, ‘takers’ lose and ‘givers’ win.

~~~

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, ”Dad, what happened to the birdie?” His dad told him, ”Son, the bird died and went to heaven.”

Then the boy asked, ”Did God throw him back down?”

~~~

Remember the good old days when people killed time by working instead of by taking coffee breaks?

~~~

Ron just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut off a truck driver. The trucker motioned for Ron to pull over.

When he did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told Ron to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to Ron’s new car and cut up the leather seats.

When the truck driver turned around Ron had a slight grin on his face.

"Oh, you think that’s funny?" the trucker asked, "Watch this." He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in the car. When he turned and looked Ron had a smile on his face. This drove the driver into a rage.

He got his knife back out and sliced all the tires. Now Ron was laughing. The truck driver really started to lose it. He went back to his truck and got a can of gas, poured it on the sports car and set it on fire. He turned around and Ron was laughing so hard he almost fell down.

"What’s so funny?" The truck driver asked him.

Ron replied, "When you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

~~~

There are no new sins….the old ones just get more publicity.

~~~

Six Stages Of Married Life:

1: Tri-weekly

2: Try weekly

3: Try weakly

4. Try oysters

5: Try anything

6: Try to remember

~~~

She said: I’m right all the time. It’s not my fault if the facts are in error.

~~~

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was, "Don’t."

"Don’t what?" Adam asked.

"Don’t eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve! We got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes WAY!"

"Don’t eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I’m your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did Not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

~~~

The ultimate test of a man’s conscience may be his willingness to sacrifice something today for future generations whose words of thanks will not be heard.

Gaylord Nelson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

The Secret of Success

Don’t aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally.

David Frost

 

If I asked you what success was, what would you say? I know many would answer that is some achievement that meets other people’s definitions; big money, titles, medals, awards and the like. It is as if they believe that success comes from exceeding the measurements set by others. I prefer to think of it as defined by one of the definitions in the dictionary — The achievement of something desired.

 

The reason I asked is that I had coffee on Saturday with a truly successful lady, she is smart, has an MBA, has high energy, and excels on a daily basis. We first met a few years ago when she was struggling with what career path she wanted to follow. One that could be based on her education and business experience or one based on her desire to help others. She decided to help others.

 

These days she provides companionship and care to developmentally disabled adults. If they need help with their bank account, getting groceries, paying bills or almost anything else, she is there. One of the things that impresses me the most is that she talks about these people as friends and with respect. She even has one of these good friends who partners with her on a Meals on Wheels route. If that was not enough she spends her spare time visiting with other friends she has made over the years. As an example she told how much she loves going to the farmers market with one of them each Saturday as they both buy food for their individual home needs.Of course she does not make very much money, but her and her supportive husband have decided that they don’t need more than they have.

 

The reason we met was she wanted to share with me that she had decided not to pursue a promotion in her organization supervising other care givers. Why? Because she would no longer get the joy she experiences when she holds the hand of someone in need that loves her. People still talk about her making the choice she has made, after all she has an MBA, but I doubt that they know what success really is, but I know that she does.

 

Our world would be a better place if more people would choose their own path to success, a place where they would reap the real rewards the world has to offer.

~~~

We can do no great things, only small things with great love.

Mother Teresa

~~~

The children begged for a hamster and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.

Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.

The children took the news of Danny’s imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He’s been around here a long time, we’ll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "But he’s too much work for one person and since I’m that one person, I say he goes."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn’t eat so much and wouldn’t be so messy, we could keep him."

But Mom was firm. "It’s time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"

~~~

People are never too busy to tell you all they have to do.

~~~

A Nebraska farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring Farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door.

"Is yer Pa home?" the farmer asked.

No sir, he ain’t," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well", said the farmer, "is yer Ma here?"

"No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Pa."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Ma and Pa."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely.  "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one.  Or maybe I Could take a message fer Pa."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa About that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don’t know how much he gets for Howard."

~~~

"Someone’s boring me. I think it’s me."

Dylan Thomas

~~~

I was setting up a large, cast aluminum, decorative sundial in my yard that I had purchased from a garden catalog.  

A neighbor, an old Florida cracker, was leaning on the fence watching my progress and asked, "What the heck’s that for?"  

I explained,  "It’s a sun dial, see the sun will hit that small triangular spike and cast a shadow on the face of the sundial. Then, as the sun moves across the sky, the shadow also moves across the calibrated dial, enabling a person to determine the correct time."  

My neighbor shook his head and muttered,. "Huh, what will they think of next?"  

~~~

"I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?"

I said, "What do you need?"

Steven Wright

~~~

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole.

One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.

He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole…let’s throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.

They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.

One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.

About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed…they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.

The old farmer said "naw, that can’t be my goat…he was chained to a railroad tie."

~~~

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better.

It’s not.

Dr. Seuss

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

 

They sure could use your help!

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Kahlil Gibran

 

 

Have you noticed how many people wallow in their own misfortune to the point that they can see nothing else? Our pain and our grief are terrible burdens that will take us down if we don’t set them aside and yet too many feel that their pain can never be shared or even understood. Well today I am going to share with you an article that can change people’s lives. We are able to not only offload our troubles, we can also begin to enrich our lives to the point we can look back at the end of everyday knowing that we did well. We still may carry burdens but we will have carried them for a good reason.

 

Here is a cure for sorrow that was written by Brian Cavanaugh, a wise man

There is an old Chinese tale about a woman whose only son died. In her grief, she went to the holy man and said, "What prayers, what magical incantations do you have to bring my son back to life?"

Instead of sending her away or reasoning with her, he said to her, "Fetch me a mustard seed from a home that has never known sorrow. We will use it to drive the sorrow out of your life." The woman went off at once in search of that magical mustard seed.

She came first to a splendid mansion, knocked at the door, and said, "I am looking for a home that has never known sorrow. Is this such a place? It is very important to me."

They told her, "You’ve certainly come to the wrong place," and began to describe all the tragic things that recently had befallen them.

The woman said to herself, "Who is better able to help these poor, unfortunate people that I, who have had misfortune of my own?" She stayed to comfort them, and then went on in search of a home that had never known sorrow. But wherever she turned, in hovels and in other places, she found one tale after another of sadness and misfortune. She became so involved in ministering to other people’s grief that ultimately she forgot about her quest for the magical mustard seed, never realizing that it had, in fact, driven the sorrow out of her life.

~~~

“The true way to soften one’s troubles is to solace those of others.”

Madame de Maintenon

~~~

THE TODDLER DIET

You folks with toddlers should relate to this one! Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don’t get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).  

Well, now there’s the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet.  

Good luck!  

DAY ONE  

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.  

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).  

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.  

Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.  

DAY TWO  

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.  

Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.  

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.  

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.  

DAY THREE  

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday’s sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.  

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.  

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.  

FINAL DAY  

Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.  

Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.  

~~~

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

Milton Berle

~~~

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin. "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

~~~

She asked: I wonder if other women feel the same way as I do?

An argument with my husband tends to make me want to clean something… With his toothbrush!

~~~

Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?  

A. No. Only those you need.  

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?  

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories–those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don’t worry–the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day’s drive away!  

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?  

A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.  

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?  

A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.  

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?  

A. Poke yourself in the eye.  

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?  

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $10 co-payment, there’s no harm giving him a shot at it.  

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?  

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.  

~~~

“I expect to pass through the world but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness I can show to any creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

Stephen Grellet

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

Don’t Wait

"Everything comes too late for those who only wait."

Elbert Hubbard

 

 

My day got away I am sad to say.

So today there is a daily from a past day.

Sorry, Ray.

~~~

Ray’s Daily

July 2003

 

Have you been paying attention to what is going on in schools all over America these days? The unfunded mandates coming from Washington coupled with state budgets in a disastrous state is creating havoc with our kids and our grandkids education and their health.

 

Recently I had breakfast with one of our countries leading public health experts on the medical crisis we face due to childhood obesity. He was extremely concerned about the widespread elimination of physical education and physical activities in schools all over America. I am afraid that we are creating an environment where children will grow into unhealthy adults which will put an even greater load on our healthcare system in the years ahead. I am equally concerned about the loss of music, art, and cultural education in our schools.

 

My concern is that we may be raising children who may be technically proficient but lacking in the ability to enjoy life to its fullest. My generation often takes the position that these are not our problems, I beg to differ; these are the future adults who will manage the world in which we live. We not only owe it to them, we owe it to ourselves to make sure our schools don’t abandon our children.

~~~

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

H. G. Wells

~~~

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari’s decision to take advantage of the British governments ‘Work for the Dole’ scheme and employ unemployable youth.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari Management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew’s first practice session, not only were the new Pit Crew able to change the tires in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, retagged and sold the vehicle over to the MacLaren Team for four bottles of Stella and an old Nike shell-suit.

~~~

Rudeness is a weak imitation of strength.

Eric Hoffer

~~~

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma’am, but may I sit here with you."

The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything.

Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma’am, may I ask you two questions?"

With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!"

The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcia, I know we’ve only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"

Marcia grabbed at Jimmie’s hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you!

You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"

Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"

~~~

Our lives begin to end the day we start becoming silent about things that matter.

Unknown

~~~

"The Five Stages of Life"

To Grow Up

To Fill Out

To Slim Down

To Hold It In

To Hell With It

~~~

A priest was given the job of hearing the confessions of an order of monks. The priest returned to his parish that night and complained to one of the nuns about how long each of the monks took to enumerate all of their sins.

"Oh Father," said the nun. "It couldn’t have been that bad."

The priest replied, "Oh it was worse than you can imagine. It was like being stoned to death with popcorn."

~~~

Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

~~~

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up to the teacher’s desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain’t got no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don’t have any crayons.’ You don’t have any crayons. We don’t have any crayons. They don’t have any crayons. Do you see what I’m getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"

~~~

The doctor explains to Abe that he would be able to resume his sex life as soon as he could climb two flights of stairs without becoming winded. 

Abe listens attentively and then says, "What if I look for the women who live on the ground floor?"

~~~

To be civilized is to be incapable of giving unnecessary offense,

it is to have some quality of consideration for all who cross our path.

Agnes Repplier

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

Easy is hard!

“Integrity is telling myself the truth.

And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”

Spencer Johnson

 

 

I think I shared with you last week that I am having my own energy crisis, nothing to worry about I will be back to normal in a few weeks. My biggest problem is that the loss can be almost instantaneous and those of you who know me well, know I need all the energy I can muster to keep up with my opportunities for service and frivolous pursuits. The wisest course seems to be energy conservation so I have temporarily backed off almost everything for a short term life of semi-leisure. My problem is that I did not realize how hard it is to take it easy. It was especially difficult to back off a couple of volunteer commitments and painfully withdraw from an Art History and a Comparative Religion class. Dropping out of the two classes was especially difficult as both classes have been great. I am making critical meetings and I have three volunteer assignments that I must fulfill in mid-August. If a miracle does not happen by then I will go to the docs and begin the process of my return to normal. Not to worry, nothing of permanent concern is going on.

 

I found another negative in my period of hibernation; it is that I get to watch more television. Yesterday I watched Alberto Gonzales in his testimony to congress and listened to the response of both Republicans and Democrats to his remarks. If you get a chance read about it or get on the web and see it. After spending most of my life as an active Republican with appointments both at the City and State level, I was saddened by what I saw. It appears to me that intellect and skill are no longer a requirement to be Attorney General. I am waiting for the President to say nice job Brownie, oops I mean Alberto. It is fortunate for Gonzales that the President has said that he will not allow Gonzales to be investigated or prosecuted even if his indicted by congress for perjury. Yesterday he made statements that were proven false shortly after the hearing closed. If you do get a chance, look especially at the dialogue between Senator Spectre and Gonzales about the effort he made to get then Attorney General Ashcroft to rescind his appointment of an interim Justice Department head because of his critical illness and to then change a decision made by Justice Department staff. Spectre said something like “How could you possibly have expected Ashcroft to make those decisions while he was sedated and in ICU”. Gonzales’ response was in effect, “There are no laws that prevent us from doing so and Ashcroft could have made his own decision as to whether or not he was capable of making the decisions”, fortunately Ashcroft refused his request.

 

Sorry about the rant, I try to keep everything like that out of the daily. It is just that it was so ludicrous that I could not resist.

~~~

 “Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful.”

Samuel Johnson

~~~

"You Know You’re a Redneck If…"

1. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

2. If the biggest city you’ve ever been to is Walmart.

3. If your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

4. If you thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.

5. If you’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

6. If you think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

7. If your neighbors think you’re a detective because a Deputy always brings you home.

8. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.

9. If you’ve ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

10. If you’ve ever asked the preacher, "Hows it hangin".

11. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

12. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 80mph.

13. If somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

14. If breakfast consist of boiled eggs, can of Beenie Weenies& a couple salt’in crackers and a 6 pack of Budweiser, because you like the smell it creates after completing the digestive cycle.

15. If there are 13 dogs under the front porch and you have papers for one.

16. If a museum curator tries to buy 7 of the vehicles on blocks in your yard.

17. If your Momma knows how to make Roadkill stew.

18. If your truck has more colors than Jeff Gordons race car!

19. If you have ever been shot at by the law.

20. If you have ever been too drunk to walk, and drove home.

~~~

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

~~~

I came home one night and my wife was crying.  

I said, "what’s wrong?"  

She said, "I’m home sick."  

I said, "This is your home."  

And she said, "Yes, and I’m sick of it!"  

Tommy Cooper

~~~

Pride is something we have. Vanity is something others have.

~~~

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came Into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two People are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It’s called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds and Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you!!"

~~~

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

~~~

My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

~~~

When you can’t have what you want, it’s time to start wanting what you have.

Author Unknown

~~~

Two Martians were cruising through the solar system when they suddenly got the urge to try some Earth food. They had no local currency so decided to steal some Mars bars from the local shop. They furtively slipped into the shop while the shopkeeper wasn’t looking, nabbed the bars and slipped back out again.

"Stop! You never paid for those!" shouted the shopkeeper.

The aliens dropped the bars and beamed back up to the mothership. Their mates were furious when they discovered they hasn’t brought any food back with them. "What?" they goggled, "You couldn’t even take a few Mars bars from a shop without getting caught? What happened?"

"I don’t know how the shopkeeper saw us," said one of the unsuccessful shoplifters. "She must have had eyes in the front of her head!"

~~~

“Have the courage to say no.

Have the courage to face the truth.

Do the right thing because it is right.

These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.”

W. Clement Stone

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

Notes

Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.

Andre Gide

 

 

I told a friend recently that I had taken five pages of notes and when I opened the note pad a few days later I realized I could not read music. The sad part is that in reality I am often noting down thoughts, whims, and even sometimes facts in a little note book that I always carry only to find later I can’t decipher what I wrote. Just as I can’t read music I often can’t read my handwriting. My memory is so bad that I depend on my notes to trigger thoughts that can be developed into a Daily entry. That not withstanding here are a few random thoughts I culled today from one of my notebooks.

 

  • I recently attended a class where the instructor was discussing the differences between Western religion and Eastern religion. It triggered a note that read: “It appears that when Western religion is taught we are taught what is viewed as fact, what we know or think we know. In Eastern religion it seems that their teaching is more directed towards what we don’t know and our obligation to spend our lives searching for answers.”

 

  • Another time I wrote, “I wonder if we take ourselves for granted and then spend too much of our lives resting on our so-called laurels, rather than breaking away from our comfort zone so that we can reach new heights.”

 

  • Here is one that I wish I had realized long ago. “We are so busy defending our opinions as if they were incontrovertible fact bcause once we draw a conclusion we stop the verification process.” I have been proven wrong far too often to assume that I am even right most of the time. However my odds of being right improve dramatically if I listen to others and continue the search for answers.

 

  • I wrote in frustration, ““Everywhere I turn I hear one politician say that the American people want this and then hear another politician say that the American people want that. I guess we are expected to pick one of the many “American People” groups that they say represents us all. Well I am not going to do it; I’ll think for myself and strive to learn where I come down on any specific issue.”” In fact it seems to me that we really are not a uniform people, we are different, and that is good if we embrace our differences. Unfortunately there are too many have-not’s, too much vitriolic polarization and not much interest in solving our problems. I wonder sometimes if the lifeboat everyone shared during the great depression brought us together as a people and that the benefits that we received by being together are now withering away.

 

Enough is enough; it is not all gloom and doom, after all there is you.

~~~

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

H. G. Wells

~~~

Heather and Marcy hadn’t seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn’t anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He’s perfect. He’s handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I’ve been waiting to hear a man say to me!"

"He said ‘will you marry me’?" Marcy asked.

Heather replied, "No, he said ‘put your money away’."

~~~

Friendship is the only cement that will hold the world together.

Woodrow Wilson

~~~

Joe’s wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What’s the matter, Joe? Don’t you like my singing?"

Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I’m not beating you."

~~~

My dog saw a sign that said: "Wet Paint” so he did!

~~~

A Catholic Dictionary

AMEN:

The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN:

Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR:

A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HYMN:

A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN:

The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE:

Holy Smoke!

JUSTICE:

When kids have kids of their own.

PEW:

A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

RECESSIONAL:

The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS:

People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS:

The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS:

The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

~~~

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

~~~

A young couple met with their Rabbi to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the synagogue. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the shul, his best man rushed him up the aisle and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

"Pull down your pants," whispered the Rabbi.

"Uh, Rebbe, I’ve changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

~~~

It is unwise to be too sure of one’s own wisdom.

It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.

Mohandas K. Gandhi

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

What about your dash?

Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough.

Emily Dickinson

 

I sometimes wonder how many people read the daily. I know that there are about 400 of you that get it in your mailbox from my old distribution lists. Then there about 250 of you who also get it in your mailbox as subscribers to “Ray’s Daily” at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. In addition there are another 250 who are regularly connected to my 360 Blog, http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp and there’s more, the Blog is getting about 1,500 visits each month. That’s a lot of people, and that does not include those that get it secondhand. One reader recently told me he regularly forwards it to 15 of his friends.

 

So who knows how many there are, what I do know is that there are readers in every part of the world. Many often send me messages with comments or just because they have something to share. One of my favorites is Claudia who lives in Western Australia. While I have never seen my friend she periodically lets me see inside her soul. She, like the rest of us has her good days and her bad days, she feels joy and occasional sorrow and while I have never seen her externally I have seen inside her heart and she is beautiful. I know she is aging gracefully and who could ask for more than that. Anyway I wanted to share with you the latest gift she has given me.

 

                          Claudia’s Dash Poem

                    I read of a man who stood to speak

                    At the funeral of a friend

                    He referred to the dates on her tombstone

                    From the beginning to the end

                    He noted that first came her date of her birth

                    And spoke the following date with tears,

                    But he said what mattered most of all

                    Was the dash between those years

                    For that dash represents all the time

                    That she spent alive on earth.

                    And now only those who loved her

                    Know what that little line is worth.

                    For it matters not how much we own;

                    The cars, the house, the cash,

                    What matters is how we live and love

                    And how we spend our dash.

                    So think about this long and hard.

                    Are there things you’d like to change?

                    For you never know how much time is left,

                    That can still be rearranged.

                    If we could just slow down enough

                    To consider what’s true and real

                    And always try to understand

                    The way other people feel.

                    And be less quick to anger,

                    And show appreciation more

                    And love the people in our lives

                    Like we’ve never loved before.

                    If we treat each other with respect,

                    And more often wear a smile

                    Remembering that this special dash

                    Might only last a little while.

                    So, when your eulogy is being read

                    With your life’s actions to rehash

                    Would you be proud of the things they say

                    About how you spent your dash?

~~~

There are two great days in a person’s life – the day we are born and the day we discover why.

William Barclay

~~~

The city slicker was spending some time with his country cousins. The first morning the farmer said, "We need some help today. I’d sure appreciate it if you could take the bull to pasture three to breed with the cow there."

The city slicker agreed. Six hours later, he staggered back to the farm house, his clothing all torn and disheveled. The farmer took a look, then asked, "The bull give you a problem?" "Hell, no. the bull was eager and raring to go." "Then why did it take you all day?" "Because," the city slicker replied, "The cow fought me for hours before she’d roll over on her back."

~~~

My weight is perfect for my height, which varies.

~~~

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there’s a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

"You know you’re right, sir," exclaimed Smith. "I didn’t realize it.

You don’t suppose she’s faking, do you?"

~~~

We tend to live up to our expectations.

Earl Nightingale

~~~

He said: While I was driving my daughter home from kindergarten, Melody Raye started trying to get me to look at the numerous crayon drawings she’d made that day.

After trying to keep the car between the ditches while looking at the drawings, I told her I would look at the rest later because right now I had to watch the road. She immediately put a drawing in front of my face and said, "You look, Daddy, I’ll watch the road for you."

~~~

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."

Abraham Lincoln

~~~

She said: I had this boyfriend who told me he thought I needed to lose weight. He really hurt my feelings, but he was right. I’m proud to say I lost 173 pounds, when I dumped him. I can’t tell you how much better I feel.

~~~

Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.

Benjamin Franklin

~~~

Four regulars were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning, is it sex or Golf Course and she said… "Take a sweater – it’s a bit cool this morning…"

~~~

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

~~~

And remember… Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90 per cent probability you’ll get it wrong.  

~~~

There is a fountain of youth; it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of the people you love. When you will learn to tap this source, you will have truly defeated age.

Sophia Loren

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

I think they could use our help

 “Overconfidence

Before you attempt to beat the odds, be sure you could survive the odds beating you.”

Larry Kersten

 

 

Maybe the cat is too confident. I have been wondering lately if many of the troubles we see around us are due to a combination of overconfidence and complacency. I think far too many are so convinced of their superiority that they cannot conceive that they could possibly be wrong and if things don’t go their way it must be someone else’s fault. The problem gets to reach dangerous levels when the rest of us become so complacent that we just turn everything over to others.

 

I think sometimes that having good food on the table, a car in the garage, and what would be luxuries somewhere else results in our becoming so self focused that we lose sight of the fact that continuing our lifestyle is dependent on the actions of others. I don’t mean to whine but I wonder sometimes if the cartoon character Pogo had it right when he said “I have seen the enemy and it is us.” Don’t get me wrong I have the highest regard for most of the good people who represent me I just wish there were more of them so we would make fewer mistakes. Unfortunately the less than competent will always be there if we just sit back and let them go on.

 

As you know I tend to look at the positive, yet sometimes it seems to me that the more incompetent someone is the more self-confident they appear. I suspect that is because they often lack the intellect required by taking the time to look before you leap. We only have to look around to see we are all needed now. Many of our educational systems are not fulfilling their responsibility to the future of our society. We are in debt at the personal, local, and national levels to the point we may not be able to meet our obligations one day. If you stop and look around I am sure you will see other signs that there is work that needs to be done. The question is will we be the ones to do something or will we trust those who already think they know all the answers; those just don’t understand the problems.

 

If you decide to get out there and do something, look around, I hope you will see me there as well. I would hope that I would not find me sitting in the stands watching the world go by eating my popcorn wondering what the final score will be.

 

Again love you all and thanks for all you do.

~~~

 “Mediocrity – It takes a lot less time and most people won’t notice the difference until it’s too late.”

Larry Kersten

~~~

How about some golf quips…

1.  Winston Churchill:  "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."  

2.  Jack Benny:  "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."  

3.  Lee Trevino:  "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives.  Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."  

4   Unknown . "Golf is not a game, it’s  bondage.  It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."  

5.  Hank Aaron:  "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."  

6.  Lee Trevino:  "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course."  

7.  Lee Trevino:  "I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced."  

8.  Sam Snead:  "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."  

9.  Paul Harvey:  "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."  

10.  Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players:  "They throw their clubs backwards and sideways, and that’s wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don’t have to walk any extra distance to get it."  

11.  Tommy Bolt:  "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."  

12.  Jimmy Demaret:  "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."  

13.  Jack Lemmon:  "If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."  

14.  Lee Trevino:  "If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron.  Not even God can hit a 1-iron."  

15.  Unknown:  "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan.  Today it’s called the PGA Tour."  

16.  John Updike:  "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child.  Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."  

17.  "Silk Stockings" TV Show:  "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."  

18.  Gerald Ford:  "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."  

9.  P.G. Wodehouse:  "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."  

20.  Bob Hope:  "If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast.  If God wants to play through, let him."  

21.  Ken Harrelson:  "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the centre-field fence.  Nobody cares.  In golf everything has got to be right over second base."  

22.  Chi Chi Rodriguez:  "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous  I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life."  

23.  Chi Chi Rodriguez:  "After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour.  Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."  

24.  Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high-volume, temperamental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said:  "I’d say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir." "A 3- iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt. "What kind of stupid, #*!~%^* choice is that?" "Those are the only two clubs you have left in the your bag, sir." said the caddie.  

~~~

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

Forrest Tucker

~~~

She told me that her husband likes massages. She booked a masseuse to come to the house. Wasn’t that a good idea? She had thought, until the doorbell rang, and there was an eighteen-year-old gorgeous blonde girl standing there saying, "I’m here to give your husband, a massage."

My friend said, "He’s dead."

~~~

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

Richard Jeni

~~~

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

Charles, Count Talleyrand

~~~

An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest’s much-loved roses.  

"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."  

"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.  

"Nuns with scissors."  

~~~

To do the useful thing, to say the courageous thing, to contemplate the beautiful thing: that is enough for one man’s life.

T.S. Eliot

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

I am richer that I realized.

It’s good to have money and the things that money can buy; but it’s good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure that you haven’t lost the things that money can’t buy.

George Horace Lorimer

 

 

If you don’t see the picture posted with the daily today it is an oriental painting titled “The Goddess of Wealth.” The goddess is shown in the air with a round circle that could be the sun in the background. What I find most appealing is that she is surrounded by butterflies and flowers. There is not any gold, no coins, nor are there any jewels in sight. For me she symbolizes the true meaning of wealth.

 

As each year goes by I learn more about what wealth really is. For me it is not a lot of money in the bank, a big car (the one I have gets me where I want to go), nor the cash value of the things we have collected. My bank account is filled with the gift of friendship offered by so many. It includes memories of the good people I have met all over the world. It includes the smiles of children, the accomplishments of others, and the opportunity to work with others doing something worthwhile.

 

The monetary wealth I have allows us to travel a few times a year. We have more than enough to meet our personal needs and to keep us reasonably entertained. We are fortunate that we do not have to struggle for food and shelter like so many others around the world, and for that I am grateful. In truth my most valued possessions have little monetary value, their value is in the beauty and memories that surround them.

 

To tell the truth I have absolutely no interest in sitting around watching the stock market all day, I would much rather be in a class learning something new. I do not have to attend black tie galas when I would much rather be volunteering with others on a project that will make a difference.

 

When I look at my bank book filled with memories and opportunities I realize just how rich I really am. I also appreciate that each of you are an entries in the book and that you make me even richer.

~~~

“Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot.

In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.”

 Oscar Wilde quotes

~~~

The School for the Deaf had just graduated it’s newest class of 21 year-olds. As a celebration, they all went out to a bar for drinks. They all sat down at the bar and began to sign their orders to the bartender, who was looking at them puzzled. He looked at the teacher and said, "I don’t know sign language! What are they askin’ for?"

The teacher replied, "Just give em what you think is good. Don’t give em too much, because this is the first time they’ve ever been drinking. Just use your judgement." The teacher got a drink and went downstairs with the other teacher, leaving the students at the bar.

An hour later, the teachers come upstairs, running to the screams of the bartender. He was backed against the wall pointing at the students and screaming. The students were moaning loudly and waving their arms all over the place. "What the hell are they doing now???" the bartender asked.

The teacher observed for a moment. "Ach! I told you not to give them too much to drink!! You got them drunk, and now they’re singing!"

~~~

I had amnesia once–or twice. …I went to San Francisco…I found someone’s heart…Now what?

~~~

An American general was speaking, via an interpreter, to a battalion of Iraqi troops. At one point, he told a rather long and somewhat convoluted joke. When it was the interpreter’s turn to interpret, he spoke for about four seconds, and the audience burst into laughter, pleasing the general.  

A captain, along on the trip, turned to a Iraqi officer and asked how he managed to convey the general’s joke so quickly.  

The Iraqi officer replied, "The interpreter said ‘The American general has just told a joke. Everyone please laugh.’"  

~~~

Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy.

Howard W. Newton

~~~

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb immediately to 4000 feet for noise abatement."

Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 3000 feet?"

Tower: "At 4000 feet, you will miss the 707 now coming at you at 3000 feet, and that is bound to avoid one heck of a racket….

~~~

An Amish man heard someone breaking into his house, grabbed his old blunderbuss (primitive shotgun) and ran out to confront the intruder.

"Sir," he said to the astounded burglar, "I would not hurt thee for the world. But thou standest where I am about to shoot."

~~~

"You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."

Groucho Marx

~~~

A new recruit police officer had almost finished his interview, and the interviewer asked him the last question which was:

"You are on duty. A car crashes in the middle of the road with two people inside the car, the two people are critically injured and the car is badly damaged. The ambulance arrives, but it is going too fast and crashes into the damaged car. The car blows up and causes the ambulance to flip on its side. A passer-by, while walking on the sidewalk is toppled, by the force of the explosion, into the river beside the road. Unfortunately he cannot swim and is drowning in the river. Another man runs out of a house screaming, and shouts that his wife is pregnant and about to have her baby any second now. "What would you do in this situation?” the interviewer asked.

The recruit looks around the office and thinks for a while… he replies, "I’d take off my uniform and disappear into the crowd!"

~~~

WARNING! The Surgeon General has determined that the excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages could cause you to sleep with someone you normally wouldn’t even talk to!

~~~

My job is in the aerospace industry, and it’s always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

~~~

“If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of potential — for the eye which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible. Pleasure disappoints; possibility never.”

Soren Kierkegaard

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

I was down but now I am up!

“Few things in the world are more powerful than a positive push. A smile. A word of optimism and hope. And you can do it when things are tough.”

Richard M. DeVoss

 

 

Since I have been moving pretty slow for the last week I find it pretty easy to let it get me down. Someone asked me yesterday how I was doing and I said, “surviving,” shame on me, I know better. So if you ask me now I’d say “pretty good, thank you! My old friend Vince sent me this reminder a few days ago.

 

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don’t get it! You can’t be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or … you can choose to be in a bad mood I choose to be in a good mood."

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or…I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or… I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

"Yeah, right, it’s not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It’s your choice how you live your life."

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw him about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I’d be twins…Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or…I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren’t you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

 He continued, "..the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read ‘he’s a dead man’. I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything ‘Yes, I replied.! ‘ The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, ‘Gravity’." Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude… I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

~~~

“People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong…

Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom?”

Thich Nhat Hanh

~~~

Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy’s checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I’ve done it! I made it balance!"

Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let’s see… mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"

"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"

~~~

You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him.

Leo Aikman

~~~

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn’t it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"  

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t hear the question.  

"Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.  

The witness still did not respond.  

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."  

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."  

~~~

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

~~~

I got this official drinking scale from a UK friend

0 Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 Lager warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.

5 Have brilliant discussion with bloke at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out English tennis problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody Tasmanians.

6 Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer-mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing rear end.

7 Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 Head-ache kicks in. Pint tastes off. Send it back. Pint comes back tasting same. Say "thats much better". Fight nausea by trying to play Pub Mastermind for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen’s wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

Note: I found in my drinking day that being unable to read phone numbers, addresses and the notes taken as we solved the world’s problems the next day was a real advantage. You can imagine my shock when I learned, while attending a bar meeting without imbibing, that the participants were not speaking English. Rather they were speaking a bar dialect that allowed everyone to agree because no one knew what was being said and wouldn’t remember the next day anyway.

~~~

“A positive attitude can really make dreams come true – it did for me.”

David Bailey

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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