January | 2015 | Ray's Daily

Ray's musings and humor

Archive for January, 2015

I wish my body was as young as I am

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Satchel Paige

It is going to be a full day today. Relatives are flying in for a four day series of events around my birthday. That includes a private celebration Saturday at a local restaurant. The one gotcha is that I see a gastro-intestinal specialist this afternoon to see what they need to do with some plumbing problems I am having. I just hope that what needs to be done will not interfere with me attending my own birthday parties.

Anyway there is a lot going on right now and there will be for a few days so I am sending another previously published Daily and I do not plan on publishing the Daily tomorrow. If all goes well we will be back in business on Monday.

Ray’s Daily first published on January 31, 2006

Life is for Living

by Author Unknown

Life is a gift we’re given each and every day.

Dream about tomorrow, but live for today.

To live a little, you’ve got to love a whole lot.

Love turns the ordinary into the extraordinary.

Life’s a journey always worth taking.

Take time to smell the roses… and tulips…

and daffodils… and lilacs… and sunflowers…

Count blessings like children count stars.

The secret of a happy life isn’t buried in a

treasure chest… it lies within your heart.

It’s the little moments that make life big.

Don’t wait. Make memories today.

Celebrate your life!

~~~

Today is the anniversary of my birth. I have one every year and to tell the truth I cannot tell the difference between how I was yesterday and how I am today. In all honesty I never really could tell the difference. I find that all that happens is that I have lived another year.

As far as birthdays are concerned I have new one everyday. I wake up reborn, ready to see what the world has in store for me, and to the opportunity to do the best I can. I wasted way too much time getting here to miss all that I will see and do today. I do worry sometimes that I may be losing it though, as it also seems like I am getting younger every day. While you and I cannot get together each day for a party we can at least start fresh together. So may I wish you a happy birthday today, and I hope you have another one tomorrow.

My 2015 comment: I still feel the same way but unfortunately my body often does not. Ray

~~~

A man ninety years old was asked to what he attributed his longevity. I reckon, he said, with a twinkle in his eye, it’s because most nights I went to bed and slept when I should have sat up and worried.

Dorothea Kent

~~~

A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak. “Father, I am going to marry!”

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila. “Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?” says the father. “What is her name?”

“O’Brien” replies the son… “She’s Catholic…”

“Oy!” says the father, “But are you happy?”

“I’m happy,” says the son.

“Ok, as long as you’re happy; my blessings to you both,” replies Moisha.

But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah to marry in the Jewish tradition. Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, “Father, I too will be married soon!”

Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God’s praises. “What is her name,” implores the father?

“Kazalopodopolous,” says the son. “She’s Greek Orthodox…”

“Oy,” says Moisha, “But are you sore that you’re happy?”

“I’m happy, father.”

“Ok, then you, too, have my blessing,” intones Moisha sadly.

Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray, “Please God, let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl, to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes. PLEASE!”

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, “Father! I am to wed in the spring!”

“Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME” his father immediately demands?

“Goldberg!” says Chutzpah!

Moisha is beside himself with joy! “Praise God! Praise the Prophets!” Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, “Is she Doctor Goldberg’s daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?”

“No…” says Chutzpah.

“Hmmm,” says Moisha. “Must be Attorney Goldberg’s daughter Rachel from Santa Monica?”

“Ah, no, father” says Chutzpah.

“Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?”

“Whoopi from Hollywood,” says Chutzpah.

~~~

I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t’ make any difference.

Steven Wright

~~~

I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording:

“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

~~~

“The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.”

William James

~~~

Soon after their last child left home for college, Linda’s husband was resting next to her on the couch with his head in her lap. She carefully removed his glasses. “You know, honey,” she said sweetly, “Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married.”

“Honey,” he replied with a grin, “Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”

~~~

Cheerfulness and contentment are great beautifiers and are famous preservers of youthful looks.

Charles Dickens

~~~

When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.

I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son’s bed was perfectly made each day. Until that is, one night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret. . .He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag!

~~~

“Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am EST”

~~~

TOOLS AND THEIR USAGE

* HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

* MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

* HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

* WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you’ve been searching for, the last 15 minutes.

* DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your iced tea across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

* WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, “Ouc….”

* HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

* TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

* PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

* SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

* BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

* PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

* HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

~~~

The best way to predict your future is to create it.

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

Category:

Humor, Life

Life goes on

Our life is a series of challenges, and how we tackle challenges is what makes the real difference in deciding the direction of life.

Anurag Prakash Ray

We are still working on what it is going to take to cure my latest malady. Thursday the docs will look inside and see what repairs may be needed. I discovered the problem the other morning while I was meeting with colleagues which triggered great concern on their part. I also was and am concerned but all that can be done is being done.

My friends seemed somewhat taken aback by my apparent casual response to my discovery. I think I behaved that way because I have had so many episodes of significant health challenges that were overcome that I fell back into my “don’t worry” mode. I like to save my concerns for what is rather than what might be.

My thoughts reminded me of the following article of how the events in our lives prepare us for the challenges we face as life goes on.

Burden Of My Own

A Monarch of long ago had twin sons. As they grew to young manhood, the king sought a fair way to designate one of them as crown prince. All who knew the young men thought them equal in intelligence, wit, personal charm, health, and physical strength. Being a keenly observant king, he thought he detected a trait in one which was not shared by the other.

Calling them to his council chamber one day, he said, “My sons, the day will come when one of you must succeed me as king. The weight of sovereignty is very heavy. To find out which of you is better able to bear them cheerfully, I am sending you together to a far corner of the kingdom. One of my advisors there will place equal burdens on your shoulders. My crown will one day go to the one who first returns bearing his yoke like a king should.”

In a spirit of friendly competition, the brothers set out together. Soon they overtook an aged woman struggling under a burden that seemed far too heavy for her frail body. One of the boys suggested that they stop to help her. The other protested: “We have a saddle of our own to worry about. Let us be on our way.” The objector hurried on while the other stayed behind to give aid to the aged woman. Along the road, from day to day, he found others who also needed help. A blind man took him miles out of his way, and a lame man slowed him to a cripple’s walk.

Eventually he did reach his father’s advisor, where he secured his own yoke and started home with it safely on his shoulders. When he arrived at the palace, his brother met him at the gate, and greeted him with dismay. He said, “I don’t understand. I told our father the weight was too heavy to carry. However did you do it?”

The future king replied thoughtfully, “I suppose when I helped others carry their yoke, I found the strength to carry my own.”

~~~

“Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them.”

Orison Swett Marden

~~~

We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

“Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?” she asked. “It would always be, ‘Better like this or like this?'”

~~~

“I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?’”

Jerry Seinfield

~~~

When the graveside service had no more than just finished, there was a tremendous burst of thunder, accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder and more lightning.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”

~~~

“Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.”

Stephen Wright

~~~

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, “That was a karate chop from Korea.” The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate chopped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him, “That was a karate chop from China.”

The little guy got up and decided he wasn’t going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he’s on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, “Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!”

~~~

“When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?”

George Carlin

~~~

Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. “You know,” said Melba, “today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don’t use the word ‘obey’ anymore.”

“Too bad, isn’t it?” retorted Ken. “It used to lend a little humor to the occasion.”

~~~

“I dreamed I was a butterfly, flitting around in the sky; then I awoke. Now I wonder: Am I a man who dreamt of being a butterfly, or am I a butterfly dreaming that I am a man?”

Chuang Tzu

~~~

While working in the psychology department at Glen Oaks Community College in Centreville, MI, I was asked to enlarge a chart for a meeting. I called the copy room and asked, “Can I get something blown up down there?”

After a pause the voice on the line replied, “I think you want the chemistry lab.”

~~~

Heaven grant that the burden you carry may have as easy an exit as it had an entrance.

Desiderius Erasmus

~~~

A beggar goes door-to-door looking for food, he rang on one door and a person comes out: -What do you want?

Can I have some food? –

Do you mind if it is from yesterday?

Of course not.

So, come back tomorrow!

~~~

Every struggle you had in your life shaped you into the person you are today. Be thankful for the hard times they can only make you stronger.

Anmol Andore

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

Challanged again

“You don’t stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.”

George Bernard Shaw

Saturday I will reach another milestone, I will be older than I ever thought I would be and my family is gathering from hither and yon to celebrate the event. Unfortunately I have a new medical problem that is interrupting my workout routines for a few days but hopefully will not interfere with the four days of family events that include close family members that I see once a year at most.

I will get some test results today and am scheduled to see a GI specialist on Thursday. You have to admit my life stays interesting. Just yesterday I was in a meeting reviewing the possibility of offering series of classes on aging gracefully. Sometimes the graceful part is not easy.

Here some excerpts from a Web MD article for those who have decided they are going to join me in the long life adventure.

The Art of Aging Gracefully

By Katherine Kam

Experts who have worked with thousands of seniors share their insights into how you can navigate emotional challenges in order to age gracefully.

The Old Are Survivors

It’s true that aging brings hardships, but remember that the old are survivors — a select group. Wisdom, resilience and a mature perspective are often cited as the hard-won prizes of aging. But growing old itself is an accomplishment. “But if you get to be older, you have survived a lot of the threats to your physical and psychological integrity that have affected other people who are no longer around,” psychologist Whitbourne says.

Through good luck or good genes or both, the old have dodged fatal accidents, premature disease, and other things that kill the young. “You are stronger, and you get to live longer,” she says. “Most people think that’s a benefit.”

A dose of healthy denial can improve outlook in one’s later years, she adds. “The people who do the best with aging aren’t thinking that much about getting older. They’re not really focusing on what’s not working anymore. If you sit around mulling over the meaning of existence and how time is running out, you’re building in a scenario where you’re not going to age as successfully.”

Accepting Changes

Accept the inevitable changes of aging, rather than seeing them as aberrant crises.

During the course of his career, Illinois psychologist Mark Frazier, PsyD, has worked with thousands of older people “ages 65 to 105,” he says. Again and again, he’s seen an important key to psychological health: accepting that your life won’t stay the same. Aging changes everyone.

“If you live until you’re 95 years old, you’re probably not going to be living alone in a beautiful apartment and driving your car to the grocery store and picking up your dry cleaning and walking a mile to the park. But if you know that ahead of time, it’s much easier to manage it,” he says.

“To age gracefully, one needs to anticipate the changes that are inevitable,” Frazier says. “People who think rigidly do not do that. As they encounter the natural changes and health status that are part of aging, these things are experienced as negative and adding a lot of stress and strain to their life. Rigid thinkers tend to get overwhelmed. They can’t manage it, and they get depressed.”

Finding Meaningful Activities

Continue to find meaning later in life. “Retirement has always been a time when we see people withdraw from their roles,” says Pauline Abbott, EdD, director of gerontology at the Institute of Gerontology, California State University, Fullerton. During this risky time, some older people succumb to depression and a sense of meaninglessness.

“Part of the challenge of aging gracefully is that you have to continue to find things that are important to you,” Frazier says. That can include travel, spiritual pursuits, hobbies, new social groups, lifelong learning, or recapturing time with family if one lacked the chance during the career years, experts say.

Plan for purposeful activities before you retire, Abbott says. “It should be a transition. It shouldn’t be, ‘Stop work one day and fall off a cliff.’ It’s time to follow where your passions lie.”

~~~

“It is not a question of how old you are, but a question of how you are old.”

Jules Renard

~~~

A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings, when he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove. At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to descend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed: “Come down, Holy Spirit!” Still no sign of the dove.

The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters:

“Sir, a yellow cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the yellow cat?”

~~~

What we see depends on mainly what we look for.

~~~

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided that he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. It turns out that his next-door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, “Chicken farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I’ll give you 100 chickens.”

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later, the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, “Not too good. All 100 chickens died.”

The neighbor said, “Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. I’ll give you 100 more.” Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stopped in again.

The new farmer said, “You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.”

Astounded, the neighbor asked, “What did you do to them? What went wrong?”

“Well,” said the new farmer, “I’m not sure. But I think I’m not planting them far enough apart.”

~~~

All general statements are false, except this one.

~~~

New Testament: Many are called, but few are chosen.

Marie Dolan: Many are called, but most are e-mailed.

Ron Morse: Many are called, but few actually switch long-distance carriers.

Ed Wintermantel: Many are called, but they face another wait in the examining room.

~~~

I can’t go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

~~~

The trooper said that this excuse is the most effective because it’s believable and any officer can relate: When you get pulled over and the officer comes up to the driver’s window, look at them with desperation in your face and say, “I’m sorry. I know I was speeding but I have to go to the bathroom sooooo badly that I’m about to explode!” You could also add, “Do you know of a restroom really close by that I can get to in the next 60 seconds?”

~~~

“The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.”

Robert Frost

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

Back to the Y

“Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.”

Jim Rohn

My wife continues to heal and soon she will be better than ever. Now I need to quit letting myself go and work on losing the weight I have gained over the last few weeks as well as rebuilding the stamina I lost by missing so many exercise sessions. My wife and I are both at the age where if we slow down too much age is going to creep up and knock us down.

I am going to have to convince my body that it is not as old as I am so that it won’t balk at what it must do. Here is what Angel Chernoff suggests might work.

5 Things Happy, Healthy People Do Every Morning

The morning is extremely important. It is the foundation from which the day is built. How you choose to spend your morning can be used to predict what kind of day you are going to have, and thus, what kind of life you are going to live. The happiest, healthiest people I know embrace this truth and use it to their advantage. They have effective morning rituals that improve their well-being and give their lives purpose. Let’s follow in their footsteps. Here’s what they do differently:

They wake up with a sense of gratitude. – In other words, they start the day with love. This means they are truly appreciative of their life and all of its priceless idiosyncrasies. They practice small acts of gratitude in the morning by expressing thankfulness directly to the people they love, and the immediate circumstances (health, opportunities, etc.) they could so easily take for granted. The more you count your blessings, the more blessings there will be to count, and the happier you will be.
They truly begin anew each and every morning. – They know that it’s a brand new day to start over and do something different. Yesterday may have been a complete bummer for them, but today is a new day for success and adventure. Realize this. Live now. Not before. Not later. Just NOW – in the moment you’re in. Inhabit your morning completely. Don’t rent it out to the past. Don’t let your history interfere with your destiny! Let today be the day you stop being a victim of yesterday’s circumstances and start taking action towards the life you want.
They use self-inquiry to affirm a purposeful start to the day. – Steve Jobs’ morning routine used to start by looking in the mirror and asking, “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And Benjamin Franklin asked himself each morning, “What good shall I do today?” I challenge you to come up with questions that keep you on track and push you to live a purposeful life. Here are three questions I often ask myself: What would I like to remember about today? How will I sincerely honor my own desires and truth today? What can I do to make a positive difference in the lives around me today?
They read something positive. – Some happy people read a bit of scripture each morning, while others read inspiring books, articles or quotes to get their day started. Either way, they have a ritual to read some form of self-improvement literature to stretch and grow their insight and knowledge. It’s starts their day off on a positivenote with positive, productive ideas to guide their day’s journey.
They follow an effective, proven morning routine. – Morning routines are critically important. They help you focus and build momentum for your day, and they give you the freedom to be present and relaxed – to enjoy just being right where you are each moment, rather than rushing from somewhere to somewhere. Once you get your routine in order, for the first time in a long time, you will be able to, quite literally, smell the coffee. For truly easy-going mornings, reduce the number of decisions you must make. There are two simple ways to do this: First, make your big morning decisions the night before: what to eat for breakfast, what clothes to wear, what you need to take to work, etc.

Second, build a simple routine for as much of your daily morning tasks as possible. Really, there’s no need to drastically alter the simple things like how much time you give yourself to get ready for work, how complex of a meal you make for breakfast, or bathroom and shower rituals from one morning to the next.

~~~

I think that age as a number is not nearly as important as health. You can be in poor health and be pretty miserable at 40 or 50. If you’re in good health, you can enjoy things into your 80s.

Bob Barker

~~~

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: “If our chute doesn’t open; and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have till we hit the ground?”

The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: “The rest of your life.”

~~~

When you are down and out, something always turns up — and it is usually the noses of your friends.

~~~

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11

Dear Pastor, I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won’t be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

~~~

“Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.”

~~~

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students’ written work. She wasn’t sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, “What’s the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?”

“Tense,” she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again, “What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter?

~~~

“A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.”

Spike Milligan

~~~

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain that to your mother.”

~~~

“My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday, my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.”

Rodney Dangerfield

~~~

CUBICLE WISDOM

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings — they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
If at first you don’t succeed — try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never quit until you have another job.
Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
Go the extra mile — It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Pride, commitment, teamwork — words we use to get you to work for free.
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore.

~~~

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

Albert Schweitzer

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

A fresh start

The only disability in life is a bad attitude.

Scott Hamilton

It is great to have my wife back home and for us to work our way back to the happy life we usually enjoy. I was proud of how well she handled her heart problems and the implantation of a Pacemaker over the past week. It was a long hospital stay that kept her from her normal activities which under other circumstances would have been upsetting. She was a good patient and now will spend a couple of weeks fully recovering with me as her designated driver, another test of our companionship skills.

I am just glad she is home and the prognosis is so good. I think she found the secret of a prolonged hospital stay, you must maintain a positive attitude and she did.

In fact I think the most important attribute of happy folks is their positive attitude. Here is an edited article that offers keys to a happy life through a positive outlook. It was written by blogger Dani DiPirro

5 Steps to a Happy Life with Positive Attitude

Step 1: Believe Happiness is a Choice

For me, this was a hard one at first. I thought that people were either unhappy or happy (and I was one of the unhappy ones). I used to blame this on all kinds of outside forces –- fate, experiences, parents, relationships –- but never really stopped to think that I could choose to be happy. Sure, this isn’t always easy, but it is always, always an option. Teaching myself to see that happiness is a choice has been one of the greatest things I’ve ever done for myself.

Now when I find myself in a bad situation, I know that it’s up to me to find the good, to be happy regardless of what’s happening around me. I am no longer pointing fingers, placing blame. I realize that everything happens how it happens and it’s up to me to choose how I want to feel about it. I am in control of my happiness level and no one can take that away from me.

Step 2: Rid Your Life of Negativity

If you want to live a positive, joyful and happy life, you cannot –- absolutely CANNOT -– be surrounded by negative people who are not encouraging your happiness. When I was a pretty negative person, I tended to attract other negative people. When I decided to make the change to live a more positive life, I had to rid my life of all of the negative people in it. This, as you can imagine, wasn’t easy. Getting rid of people hurts -– even when you know they aren’t good for you or your current lifestyle.

Not only did I have to get rid of the negative people, but I also had to get rid of the negative things too. I had to stop doing certain things that were causing negativity in my life. I had to take a step back and examine which behaviors were good for me and which were not. I learned to focus on the positive things I was doing and let go of the negative ones. This process was not easy and to be honest, is still ongoing, but I know this: having negativity in your life prevents you from living a truly positive existence.

Step 3: Look For the Positive in Life

There is the positive aspect in everything. In every person, in every situation, there is something good. Most of the time it’s not all that obvious. We have to look. And sometimes we have to look hard. The old me just sat back and allowed things to happen by default. If I saw negative, I went with that feeling. I didn’t want to look harder or think too much about the good. I found it much, much easier to sit back and just accept what I saw (which was usually the bad).

Everything –- good and bad -– is a learning experience. So, at the very least, you can learn from bad experiences. However, there’s usually even more to it than that. If you really take the time to look, you will usually find something good, something really positive, about every person or situation.

Step 4: Reinforce Positivity in Yourself

Once I started thinking more positively and adapted to a more positive attitude, I realized I had to reinforce these thoughts and behaviors in myself so they would stick. As with any sort of training, practice makes perfect, and, yes, you can practice being positive. The best and easiest way to do this is to be positive when it comes to who you are. Tell yourself you’re awesome. Tell yourself you look good. Tell yourself that you love and accept yourself completely. Tell yourself you did an awesome job at work or raising your kids or whatever it is you do.

Step 5: Share Happiness with Others

Not only do you need to be positive with yourself for this new positive attitude to really take effect, you also need to be positive with others. You have to share your wealth of positivity with the world.

The best way I’ve found to do this is quite simple and basic: be nice. Be nice to other people, no matter what. Tell someone he or she looks nice today. Tell someone they did a great job on that presentation. Tell your parents or children (or both!) how much you love them and how great they are.

People appreciate positivity and the more you are sharing it with others, the more you are practicing it and reinforcing it in your own life.

~~~

Being in a good frame of mind helps keep one in the picture of health.

Author Unknown

~~~

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. “I’m busy,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.” The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, “Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!”

~~~

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

~~~

A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. “Dear God, thank you for these pancakes.” When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, “I thought I’d see if He was paying attention tonight.”

~~~

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

Milton Berle

~~~

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.”

I said, “Where’s the car?”

She said, “In the lake.”

Henny Youngman

~~~

“The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.”

Rick Venturi, former Northwestern football coach

~~~

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross examination.”

“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”

“How’s that?” the lawyer asked.

“I was afraid he was going to ask if the darn lantern was lit!”

~~~

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

Robert Brault

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

Welcome home

“Being in a long marriage is a little bit like that nice cup of coffee every morning – I might have it every day, but I still enjoy it.”

Stephen Gaines

Great news, as of last night the plan is to let my wife come home later today after her lengthy stay in the hospital. Her absence again made me realize how dependent I am on our companionship. The time comes in a long marriage when you often communicate silently. It is like your psyche has merged together. We are really fortunate that our marriage has weathered the storms. We have had more good moments than most and that allowed us not to mess up our great children too much. The vacuum created by her not being here has been disturbing and I am glad it will come to an end today.

Those of you, who know my wife know it does not take long for her to get cabin fever. She usually takes off in her car a couple of times a day. She walks a mall in the morning, often eats lunch away, runs errands, or visits family and friends. I either stay home protecting our space from invasion or venture out to do the things I do. In other words we both happily do our own thing.

What will be different is she cannot drive for two weeks so I am going to be her chauffer. I want her to be able to do as much as she can after being hospitalized for so long. As I was looking to find suggestions as to how I should behave on the assignment I ran across the following piece that should help.

If A Dog Were Your Teacher

If a dog were your teacher these are some of the lessons you might learn…

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride

When it’s in your best interest practice obedience

Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory

Take naps and stretch before rising

Run romp and play daily

Thrive on attention and let people touch you

Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do

On warm days stop to lie on your back on the grass

On hot days drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree

When you’re happy dance around and wag your entire body

No matter how often you’re scolded don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout run right back and make friends

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm

Stop when you have had enough

Be loyal

Never pretend to be something you’re not

If what you want lies buried dig until you find it

When someone is having a bad day be silent ….. …sit close by. …and nuzzle them gently.

~~~

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.”

Sam Keen

~~~

Harold was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?”

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So….. you know where the juice went. The nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. “My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today…..”

At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time.”

The nurse fainted…… Old Harold just smiled

~~~

Only a mediocre person is ever at their best.

~~~

She said: Antiques have become very popular. Right now there are 15 million Americans who have things that are old, funny-looking, don’t work and are only kept for sentimental purposes. Some of these are called antiques – and the rest are called husbands.~~~

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, “Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?”

“That’s your father.”

“Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?”

~~~

All food is Fat-Free – if you don’t eat it.

~~~

A feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a Hassidic elderly Jewish man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,” so she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the elderly man tries to get up again. She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again. Finally, the old Jewish man says, “Look, lady, trouble I don’t want, but you’ve got to let me get up….. I’m twelve blocks past my stop already!”

~~~

Never leave your wife’s anniversary present in a Wal-Mart bag.

~~~

SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA – I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

PARANOIA – Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I’ll tell you why.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY – Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE – On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

~~~

“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.”

Dave Meurer

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

We are now a two Pacemaker couple

We are all different – and we are all one. Take time to understand, and to appreciate.

Jonathan Lockwood Huie

They implanted a pacemaker in my wife’s chest yesterday to prevent another instance of a heart pause that would put her at risk of passing out, now a few more days in the hospital to work on the right dosage of arrhythmia medication and she will be back home. I am a little frazzled so back to the archives today.

Ray’s Daily first published on January 21, 2004

Today I went to the barber for a haircut where the owner asked me if I was yet 62, a sure way to get a bigger tip. What is hard for me at my age is to realize most people don’t know what I am talking about when I talk about the past. Big movie stars of my era don’t exist in the minds of others; the list of disconnects could go on forever. It is no wonder that we sometimes have trouble with intergenerational communications, we grew up in a different environment, had different experiences, and different priorities. It seems to me that we all need to continue to work on finding the common ground rather than trying to live in each other’s world. Better to search for understanding with an open mind and to find what we have in common, not how we are different.

As an example I remember all of the following, do you?

a.. The 1949 inaugural parade for President Harry Truman on this day was the first to be televised.

b.. On this day in 1950, Alger Hiss was convicted on two counts of perjury for his testimony before congress in the McCarthy Era hearings.

c.. George Orwell [Eric Arthur Blair], the author of Animal Farm and 1984, died on this day in 1950 from tuberculosis in London at 46.

d.. On this day in 1954, the Nautilus, the first nuclear-powered submarine, was launched by the U.S. Navy, christened by First Lady Mamie Eisenhower.

e.. William Shawn succeeded founder Harold Ross as the editor of the New Yorker on this day in 1956.

f.. On this day in 1961, the U.S. sent a space monkey, “Miss Sam”, nine miles high aboard a Mercury rocket. The six pound monkey was successfully returned to Earth.

g.. On this day in 1976, faster-than-sound commercial air travel became a reality as the French Concorde started plying between the U.S. and Europe. The Concorde, traveling at a speed of over 1000 miles per hour, could get to New York from Paris in 3.5 hours. Most commercial jets fly at a speed of 500-600 mph..

h.. On his first full day in office in 1977, President Jimmy Carter issued an amnesty proclamation that covered most Vietnam draft-evaders.

~~~

Everything has been said before, but since nobody listens we have to keep going back and beginning all over again.

Andre Gide

~~~

The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father’s firm. At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father’s office and said, “Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you’ve been working on for so long!”

His father yelled, “You idiot! We’ve been living on the funding of that case for ten years!”

~~~

I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.

Bette Midler

~~~

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!”

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!”

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, “Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?”

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, “Circumcision is not meant to kill.”

~~~

“The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.”

Doug Larson

~~~

As he lay on his deathbed he spoke, “Sara, I want you should know before I die that Ginsburg the tailor owes me $200, and Morris the butcher owes me $50, and Klein next door owes me $300.”

His wife turned to the children and said, “What a wonderful man your father is. Even when he’s dying he’s got the brains to realize who owes him money.”

The old man continued, “And Sara I want you to also know that I owe the landlord a hundred dollars.”

To which his wife cried, “Oh oh, now he’s getting delirious!”

~~~

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

~~~

A very religious couple was touring the Holy Land during the Christmas season and decided it would be very meaningful to them to spend Christmas Eve in Bethlehem, the birth place of Jesus. Arriving there, they searched high and low for a room, but none was available at any price. Finally, they pulled up in front of the Sheraton-Bethlehem and the husband got out of the car, telling his wife: “Stay here, sweetie.

Let me see if I can do something for us.” He approached the desk and the clerk told him there were no rooms. “Sorry, sir. It’s Christmas Eve, our busiest time.” No matter how much the man offered to pay, the clerk said he had nothing. Finally, the man told the clerk, “I bet if I told you my name was Joseph, that the woman waiting in the car was called Mary, and that she had a newborn infant, you’d find us a room.” “Well,” stammered the clerk, “I– I suppose so.” “Okay,” said the man. “I guarantee you, they’re not coming tonight, so we’ll take their room.”

~~~

“My doctor said I was paranoid… well, he didn’t actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.”

~~~

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, “A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000.” There was a moment’s silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, “Two thousand five hundred!”

~~~

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

~~~

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. “How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.

“Well … they feel a bit tight.” replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. “Try pulling up on the tongue.” offers the clerk.

“Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.” He says.

~~~

“How far you successfully go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these.”

George Washington Carver

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

A visit to the past

It is not length of life, but depth of life.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I took my wife into the hospital a few days ago and they determined she needs to have Pacemaker implanted which they plan to do tomorrow. If all goes well she will be home by the weekend. I am a little distracted this morning so I am sending you a reprint from the past.

Ray

Ray’s Daily first published on January 20, 2006

I was at a thought provoking dinner the other night. The speaker provided his view of how we should handle the critical issues we face both now and in the future. As I was driving home I thought about how much my life has changed over the years. It is now filled with new experiences, new understandings, new friends, and so much to do.

It is as if I have lived five lives. The first was my youth, a time when I went wherever the wind took me. I learned what was in front of me and then moved on to something else, time flew by and before long I was called into the Navy, traveled the world and got married.

When my wife and I began our life together it was the beginning of my second life. I entered the computer field where I held a variety of jobs and stayed on the leading edge of a world being changed by technology. As the years went by I helped raise children, and went wherever my job and family needed me to go. They were good years. I did my best, and was rewarded by the success of those I was fortunate to work with, both customers and fellow employees.

It did not seem as long as it really was before our children were married and off raising their own children, a time when there was no more I could do within my profession, and fortunately a time when I could leave that life and move on. I retired, bid farewell to the past and started my third life.

My good fortune continued when I was given the opportunity to work with UNICEF and Kiwanis International as they helped build a better world for children. While my personal income plummeted my personal satisfaction soared. I had left one world and entered another filled with new people, new challenges, and new opportunities. I played a role that few get to play, a role filled with human satisfaction. My fourth life was enriching beyond my dreams. When I finally really retired I stayed close to what is being done for children by Kiwanis and its partners.

As I entered my current and fifth life I realized how each of my lives was better than the previous one. Little did I know that there was so much more to come. Like in my first life I am going where the wind takes me, the difference this time is that I pick the harbor from which I sail. One day I attend a seminar and learn more about the world than I thought I ever would. I am often with people who are planning their next life and just want someone to help them think it through. I also try to make sure I have time to do those modest hands on tasks that contribute to the wellbeing of our community. I work for me; my salary is the good feeling that comes from living life to its fullest. Fortunately it looks like I will never be out of work, for there is always more opportunities than I can handle.

Like many my age, past memories fade, but those that remain cannot compare with how full my life is today. This life is so full that I do not plan on looking for another. I have to stop now for I have mountains to climb, people to meet, and sunsets that are waiting for me to see.

~~~

In the game of life it’s a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.

Bill Baughan

~~~

A person who surrenders when he’s WRONG, is HONEST.

A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE.

A person who surrenders even if he’s RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.

~~~

The more faithfully you listen to the voice within you, the better you will hear what is sounding outside.

Dag Hammarskjold

~~~

A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I’d disapprove of every young man who took them out. But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend’s prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered. Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.

“You know, Dad,” she replied, “we don’t show you everybody.”

~~~

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

Sam Levenson

~~~

The shoe dealer was hiring a clerk. “Suppose,” he said, “a lady customer was to remark, while you were trying to fit her, ‘Don’t you think one of my feet is bigger than the other?’ What would you say?”

“I would say, ‘On the contrary, Ma’am, one is smaller than the other.’ ”

“The job is yours.”

~~~

“We don’t blame our competitors for charging less. After all, they should know what their stuff is worth!”

~~~

Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, “I’m lonely I’m tired of eating apples by myself.”

“Okay,” God said, “I’ll create a man for you.”

Eve said, “A man! What’s that?”

“He’s a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won’t listen very well, he’ll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he’ll be fun in bed.”

“Sounds great!” said Eve.

“Oh, and one more thing,” God said. “He will want to believe that I made HIM first.”

~~~

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man out there who wishes that she were not.

~~~

If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.

Morris West

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

Time to get up

“I awoke, only to see that the rest of the world is still asleep.”

Leonardo da Vinci

Here we go again, another Monday and the start of a work week for most of us. Even in my long retirement Monday requires me to get up early, say good morning to you via the Daily and then get to the YMCA at 5 AM to begin my weekly workouts.

I think I shared with you the other day that someone said they exercised early so they could get started before their mind realized what they were doing. In my case it is because it is a time when I never have an excuse not to do it and there are few of us there using the equipment that early.

I tell folks that even though I live in the US Midwest my body lives on London time, five hours different than local time. I cope with my routine through recording any primetime TV I miss because of early sleep then viewing the next day in between any naps I take because of fatigue.

I read this article by Chelsea Hall the other day and now wonder if I would do better reverting to a more normal schedule.

5 Ways to Prepare for A Better Day

Have you crawled out of bed knowing you were going to have an awful day? We can never guarantee that our day will be good, but if we start it off badly, the day will follow suit. Starting the day in a bad mood can ensure that nothing will go your way. Listed below are five easy ways to help get rid of some of that morning negativity that comes with getting out of bed.

Get Things Ready the Night Before

Realizing you are late, you sit up, jolted awake by the sudden realization. You spend the next stressful minutes stumbling around, trying to get together clothes. Your negativity grows as you realize you don’t know where your shoes are.

Whether you are already running late, or want some extra time for yourself in the morning, getting things together the night before can help. Lay out clothes on a chair or in the front of your closet. This will leave them within easy reach so you don’t have to search around when you get up, giving you more time to relax, or, if you happen to be running late, get you out the door quicker.

Get a Good Night’s Sleep

Nothing starts off the day quite like waking up feeling like you didn’t get any sleep. It can leave you feeling irritable and can affect your mood for the rest of the day. Making sure to get a full night’s rest is critical to a person’s mood and health. Turning off electronics an hour before bed is also recommended because it can help you fall asleep quicker.

Wake Yourself Up Gently

It can be hard to leave the warmth and comfort of your bed. A great way to start your day positively is to do exactly that. Set your alarm so you have a little extra time to just relax in the comfort of your bed waking yourself up gently. Spend a few minutes getting yourself mentally ready for your day. Also spend a few minutes just stretching, as it helps your mind and body wake up..

Establish a Morning Routine

You can gain several benefits from establishing a morning routine. If you know about how long it takes you to get prepared, you are better equipped to set your schedule accordingly and not be rushing around stressed every morning. Exercise, eating breakfast, and rinsing your face with cold water when you get out of bed are great things to include in your routine as they will all help you wake up mentally and physically for a productive day.

Have Some Time to Relax

It can be easy to fall into the motions of everyday life without providing the time you need for yourself. Take some time every morning to meditate, reflect, read an inspirational quote or poem, or just to do something that you enjoy. By giving the proper time to your wellbeing, it will help you become more positive overall.

~~~

“There is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest. Use both and overlook neither.”

Alan Cohen

~~~

Famous Last Words:

— Of course you don’t look fat in that dress honey. Well… maybe a little.

— Hey ya’ll watch this.

— LOOK! An old mine from world war…..

— Sure, rope bridges last forever.

— Trust me, I know what I’m doing.

— Do I cut the red or the blue wire?

— Oh shut up! I won’t fall!

— Oh, it looks like a dolphin is swimming this way…

— I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.

~~~

Cooking lesson #1: don’t fry bacon in the nude.

~~~

Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.

They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second hiker says, ‘What are you doing?’

The first responds, ‘I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll have to jump down and make a run for it.’

The second says, ‘Are you crazy? Don’t you know you can’t outrun a bear?

The first guy says, ‘I don’t have to outrun the bear I only have to outrun you!’

~~~

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

~~~

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. “My you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”

“It was terrible,” her husband said. “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.” Exhausted

~~~

I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, “Watch it!!! There are plenty more ribs where YOU came from!”

~~~

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he’d been putting off for weeks. He’d cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, “Say, what do you get for yard work?”

The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, “The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.”

~~~

“Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”

Robert A. Heinlein

~~~

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.

“Sure,” said the young student confidently. “Means carrying a child.”

~~~

“Of all the things a man may do, sleep probably contributes most to keeping him sane. It puts brackets about each day. If you do something foolish or painful today, you get irritated if somebody mentions it, today. If it happened yesterday, though, you can nod or chuckle, as the case may be. You’ve crossed through nothingness or dream to another island in Time.”

Roger Zelazny

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

Fortunately there are more like you

That’s what it takes to be a hero, a little gem of innocence inside you that makes you want to believe that there still exists a right and wrong and that decency will somehow triumph in the end.

Lise Hand

It seems like hardly a day goes by that we don’t learn of the hateful actions of others. Parents abandoning children, murders committed out of bias, misplaced prejudices and more. If we didn’t know better we could easily believe that cruelty is the norm and goodwill the exception when in reality most folks are kind and caring.

For every child neglected or abandoned thousands of others are nurtured by loving and caring parents. Yes, evil is the exception and fortunately we the majority can share our goodness with those who are the victims of the uncaring. As an example my Kiwanis Club provides snacks to poor and often homeless kids to take with them when the school day ends. It may not seem like much but a kid who would go home hungry otherwise has the opportunity to learn that someone cares providing maybe a glimmer of hope when there is not much else for them.

Here is a story by Wilferd A. Peterson that is great reminder that the world is filled with thousands who care when a few could care less.

We Are the Decent People

We are the decent people of the world. We are in the majority, for men and women are essentially decent. We live in all nations, we live under all the flags that fly.

Decency is not determined by our economic status, our religion, the language we speak, the color of our skin, or the ideology under which we live. Human decency is a universal quality.

We, the decent people of the world, often have our voices drowned out by the shouts of leaders who misrepresent the things for which we stand.

We the decent people carry enough weight to tip the scale for decency if we will make ourselves heard…

We believe that war is the great indecency, that it kills and destroys all the higher sensibilities of man and leaves only death, suffering, and destruction in its wake.

We believe that this is a beautiful universe and that it is made for love and not for hate; for peace and not war; for freedom and not slavery; for order and not riot; for compassion and not violence; for happiness and not misery.

We believe that there is only one war to be waged in the name of human decency, and that is the war against all the common enemies of man… hunger, disease, poverty, ignorance, crime and failure.

We believe that every child should have the chance to grow up in an atmosphere of faith, not of fear.

We believe that the ultimate decency is to help men and never harm men, to lift men and not degrade men, and to respect the dignity of all men as individual human beings.

We the decent people of the world stand for the kind of life that will be good for all of the people, all of the time, everywhere.”

~~~

Each person has inside a basic decency and goodness. If he listens to it and acts on it, he is giving a great deal of what it is the world needs most. It is not complicated but it takes courage. It takes courage for a person to listen to his own goodness and act on it.

Pablo Casals

~~~

Effective Immediately, UPDATED Employee Handbook

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go From 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Management

~~~

Childhood: That period when nightmares occur only during sleep.

~~~

She tells us:

Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.

Conclusion: They’re tiny men in little fur coats.

~~~

The human dilemma is not whether to do right or wrong, but rather to do right when it matters the most, and wrong when it matters the least.

Author Unknown

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

Ray's Daily

Ray's musings and humor

Archive for January, 2015

I wish my body was as young as I am

Life goes on

Challanged again

Back to the Y

A fresh start

Welcome home

We are now a two Pacemaker couple

A visit to the past

Time to get up

Fortunately there are more like you

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