Ray's musings and humor

Archive for February, 2007

What about your dream house?

“In order to plan your future wisely, it is necessary that you understand and appreciate your past.”

Jo Coudert

This morning an acquaintance of mine became a friend. We talked about the years ahead and how we could plan for our happiness. We both had experienced a period in our lives when other people had more influence over what we did then we ourselves had. They decided what box we would work in and sometimes even live in. Heck they knew what was good for us, or at least we let ourselves believe they did. We must be good guys, they said so.

Fortunately we both got to the point where we realized that we were in charge of our own happiness. The bottom line was that we decided to listen to ourselves and take responsibility for our own lives. We would hear what others had to say and then decide if we wanted what they had to offer. Sadly in my experience too many of us wait to take control of our lives until it is too late. Even worse many of us never even stop long enough to put down those things that might enrich our lives, too many never recognize their opportunity to be happy when it is in front of them because they never designed their dream life. Instead of being our own architects and designing that special place for ourselves we buy someone else design and then live within its walls, sometimes never realizing why we are unhappy.

My new friend has decided that she will design her own place from the bottom up. She is putting together a list of all the amenities and necessities that she wants in the life she is about to build. Me I can hardly wait to see what it looks like.


“Build this day on a foundation of pleasant thoughts. Never fret at any imperfections that you fear may impede your progress. Remind yourself, as often as necessary, that you are a creature of God and have the power to achieve any dream by lifting up your thoughts. You can fly when you decide that you can. Never consider yourself defeated again. Let the vision in your heart be in your life’s blueprint. Smile!”

Og Mandino


A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."

The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."

The Chinese man was incredulous, "That’s impossible," he replied. "Where did your people eat for a thousand years?


On my recent birthday my wife gave me a superb birthday present. She let me win an argument.


Four retired Army vets are walking down the street window shopping. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Veterans Bar" over the doorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn’t look all that well kept up. They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they could judge the ‘book by it’s cover’.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis – shaken not stirred and says, "That’ll be 40 cents, please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other – they can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and or! der another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That’s 40 more cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They’ve each had two martinis and so far they’ve spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

The bartender replies, "No doubt you’ve noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain’t nothin’ to write home about. I don’t waste money on that stuff. But, here’s my story. I’m a retired Master Sargent and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That’s quite a story." says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn’t help but notice three other guys at the end of the! bar who didn’t have a drink in front of them and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What’s with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they are retired in Florida. They’re waiting for happy hour


The Good News, Canada has offered to help the U.S. in the war on terrorism! They Have pledged 2 battleships, 6000 troops and 10 fighter jets.

The Bad News, with the current exchange rate, that comes out to 2 canoes, a mountie and a couple of flying squirrels.


A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.


The sad thing is that I can relate to some of the following:

Three old guys were out walking.

First one says. "Windy isn’t it? "

Second one says, "No its Thursday"!!

Third one says. "So am I. Lets go get a beer"


I’ll believe psychics when one phones me, just in the nick of time, yelling, "Duck!"


Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The

first guy said "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier?  How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she’d get these terrible headaches." he answered. "Now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a headache in years."


"Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?"
 George Carlin



Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it that night falls and day breaks?

Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Do pilots take crash courses?

How can there be self-help "groups"?


"Both humor and faith are the expressions of the freedom of the human spirit,

of its capacity to stand outside of life, and itself, and view the whole scene."

Reinhold Niebuhr



Ray will be away at meetings all day tomorrow and he has turned off the presses until Friday.

Don’t worry he is OK, I think.


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Come out and play!

“The heart that loves is always young.”



My old friend Vince in Minnesota sent me this advice on how to stay young the other day and I thought I would share it with you. In fact this morning I was talking to a pal about what age is all about and it turned out we both knew old young people and young old people. It is so nice to know you do not have to find the fountain of youth to stay young all you have to do is be young. Here is Vince’s advice.


1. Try everything twice. On Madams tombstone (of Whelan’s and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice…loved it both times!  

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches;)

3. Keep learning:  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil’s workshop." And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s!  

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.  LIVE while you are alive.  

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, = music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.  

9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.  

I would only add, “Do not take yourself too seriously, enjoy the ride.”


“May you grow up to be righteous, may you grow up to be true.

May you always know the truth and see the lights surrounding you.

May you always be courageous, stand upright and be strong.

May you stay forever young.”

Bob Dylan


Really, Really Bad Traffic


* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.  

* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they’ll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car’s fenders.  

* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you’re trying to get away from.  

* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You’re glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.  

* It’s useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.  

* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off…even then, you’re cutting it close.  

* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.  

* You don’t even have to brush your teeth anymore. Just get in rush hour traffic, smile, and let someone else’s windshield wipers do all the work.  

* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.  

* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.  


Why is it the loudest snorer is always the first one to get to sleep.


We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection………Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they’re fooling?

I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on — but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.


"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."

Sir Francis Bacon


Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking really down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem was.

Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clothile done had our first fight last night."

Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat’s too bad. What y’all had a fight about?"

Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope."

Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat Clothile is Catholic."

Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn’t know de Pope was too."


Every man needs a wife because there are a number of things that go wrong that one cannot blame on the government.


A study published in "Neurology" says people who snore are more prone to getting headaches. No reason is given. But could it be on account of their spouses hitting them in the head all night long trying to get them to stop snoring?


And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count.

It’s the life in your years.

Abraham Lincoln


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Remember when……

“Looking back you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your life- and it was you.

It is not too late to find that person again.”

Robert Brault




I will be attending an intergenerational discussion group in a few weeks. It will be people from my generation mixing with college undergraduate students. The students have provided a set of questions that they would like to discuss and one of them asks about the difference in America during the Second World War and America today. This morning I jotted down a few notes about the world I saw then and the world of today. I won’t bore you with the results but the exercise reminded me of something my friend Inez sent me some time ago. Here is what she sent:


I grew up in the fifties with practical parents — a mother, God love her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the original recycle queen, before they had a name for it…

A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, dish towel in the other.

It was the time for fixing things — a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy.

All that re-fixing, reheating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful.

Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there’d always be more.

But then my mother died, and on that clear summer’s night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn’t any ‘more.’

Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away…never to return.

So…while we have it…it’s best we love it…..and care for it…..and fix it when it’s broken…..and heal it when it’s sick.

This is true…..for marriage…..and old cars…..and children with bad report cards…..and dogs with bad hips…..and aging parents…..and grandparents.

We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep.

Like a best friend that moved away — or — a classmate we grew up with.

There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special…..and so, we keep them close!


“What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.”

Author Unknown


He said: I’ve been married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.  Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."  

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot, 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed…



"It was one of those perfect English autumnal days which occur more frequently in memory than in life."

P. D. James


Ed reminded me why he likes retirement !

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer:    6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?

Answer:   Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Answer:   Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer:   There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer:   The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer:   Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answer:   They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer:   They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer:   Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answer:   The never ending Coffee Break.


My cousin Larry meets a lot of women now that he has changed his email address.

He had a lot of trouble getting action with his old one, which was: "36-year-old-living-with-my-mama @home.com."



If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.  

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash, then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!  

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot, and go out with a bang, because as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!  

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory, and you’ll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.  


Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in both hands, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "What a ride!"

Author Unknown


 Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Late Edition

“Everything comes too late for those who only wait.”

Elbert Hubbard

Well gang, I again have let the day get away from me. Between blood tests and meetings it is almost the end of the day and I have yet to publish the daily, so here we go again, blasts from the past.


February 23, 2004

We have often talked about those who seem to find the cloud even in a rainbow. What is sad to me is that so many just give up as they get older and seem to only be able to find fault. I know that you see each day as a new adventure and something to be enjoyed. No matter how old we are we still have the ability to hope that tomorrow will be an even better day than today. I like the following.


If you can look at the sunset and smile, then you still have hope.

If you can find beauty in the colors of a small flower, then you still have hope.

If you can find pleasure in the movement of a butterfly, then you still have hope.

If the smile of a child can still warm your heart, then you still have hope.

If you can see the good in other people, then you still have hope.

If the rain breaking on a roof top can still lull you to sleep, then you still have hope.

If the sight of a rainbow still makes you stop and stare in wonder, then you still have hope.

If the soft fur of a favored pet still feels pleasant under your fingertips, then you still have hope.

If you meet new people with a trace of excitement and optimism, then you still have hope.

If you give people the benefit of a doubt, then you still have hope.

If you still offer your hand in friendship to others that have touched your life, then you still have hope.

If receiving an unexpected card or letter still brings a pleasant surprise, then you still have hope.

If the suffering of others still fills you with pain and frustration, then you still have hope.

If you refuse to let a friendship die, or accept that it must end, then you still have hope.

If you look forward to a time or place of quiet and reflection, then you still have hope.

If you still buy the ornaments, put up the Christmas tree or cook the turkey, then you still have hope.

If you still watch love stories or want the endings to be happy, then you still have hope.

If you can look to the past and smile, then you still have hope.

If, when faced with the bad, when told everything is futile, you can still look up and end the conversation with the phrase…."yeah….BUT" then you still have hope.


Hope is such a marvelous thing.  It bends, it twists, it sometimes hides, but rarely does it break. It sustains us when nothing else can. It gives us reason to continue and courage to move ahead, when we tell ourselves we’d rather give in. Hope puts a smile on our face when the heart cannot manage. Hope puts our feet on the path when our eyes cannot see it. Hope moves us to act when our souls are confused of the direction. Hope is a wonderful thing, something to be cherished and nurtured, and something that will refresh us in return.  And it can be found in each of us, and it can bring light into the darkest of places.  Never lose hope.

Author Unknown


“It gets late early out there.”

Yogi Berra


The Future of Airlines

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You’re in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It’s the airline’s new policy.

Passenger: That’s the craziest thing I ever heard. I won’t pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I’ll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won’t stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you’re right, you can’t stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We’re about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don’t comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don’t want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there’s a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can’t believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It’s stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn’t seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It’s the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don’t have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you’ve given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there’s a change making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin’ out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You’ll need it later for the lavatory.


Advice is what we ask for when we know the answer but wish we didn’t.


The receptionist found some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker. 

She sent out an e-mail:  "If anybody can say where he/she lost $66, please let me know, and it will be returned."

Within minutes one employee replied, "Kentucky Derby, 2006."


Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy.

Howard W. Newton


Each one of us is a mixture of good qualities and some perhaps not so good qualities.  In considering our fellow man, we should remember his good qualities and realize that his faults only prove that he is, after all, a human being.  We should refrain from making harsh judgment of a person just because he happens to be a dirty, rotten, no-good son-of-a-bitch."


"The difference between great people and everyone else is that great people create their lives actively, while everyone else is created by their lives, passively waiting to see where life takes them next. The difference between the two is the difference between living fully and just existing."

Michael E. Gerber


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Please speak out




I have been struggling with the concept of tolerance lately. For many years I have advocated personal tolerance as the cornerstone of a healthy society. I guess I still do providing we do not see our toleration as being the ability to overlook the faults of others, but rather our ability to respect our differences. Harmony comes from living together not from just accepting adversarial relationships. So I still basically believe taht tolerance is good and intolerance is bad.


Tolerance is defined by some as

  • the power or capacity of an organism to tolerate unfavorable environmental conditions
  • a disposition to allow freedom of choice and behavior
  • a disposition to tolerate or accept people or situations

On the surface it all sounds good. But have we become so tolerant that we ignore problems that we face as individuals and as a society. Would their have been the oppression and slaughter of the Jews in Germany during the 30’s and 40’s if people like you and me had not tolerated the evil action of others. Is the willingness of most of the world’s people to tolerate the current slaughter of innocents in Africa the act of a civilized populace?


Many of us are given the opportunity to stand up and say no to things that should not be in our own personal world, yet how many of us just sit by and tolerate the existing condition because it just is not all that important to us. Many think the answer rests in democracy, yet democracy with out civil liberty often results in the oppression of the minority. We should really care and raise our voices in opposition to what should be the intolerable for each of us are minorities of one kind or another. As an example I belong to an age group is only a small percentage of the total population and my personal beliefs are not shared by everyone else. We are all different in one way or the other and we need to stand up and demand our right to be different for if we don’t who will?


Sorry for the long winded diatribe today, but I worry about our toleration of things that darken the future. Sadly nothing will change unless we decide to take some responsibility to at least leave the world no worse than we found it, we owe it to future generations.


 “Tolerance is another word for indifference.”

Somerset Maugham


Now on with the show……………..

A Blonde’s Cookbook

Monday: It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So, I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. For some reason, Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly, I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Well, good night, dear diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.


Some people will like me and some won’t. So, I might as well be myself, and then at least I’ll know that the people who like me, like me.

Hugh Prather


The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he’d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he’d finished she paid him and said, "I’m going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man, ‘sigh’, he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I’m a woman and you’re a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes…yes!"

"And since I’ve been wanting to ask you ever since you came in the door…"

"Yes… yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"


"The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back."

Franklin P. Jones


Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can see why Americans have not adopted it:

A miss is as good s 1.6 kilometers.

Put your best .3 of a meter forward.

Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.6 kilometers.

Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.


No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.


One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog’s collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out.

The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "We have ten children. He’s trying to catch up on his sleep.


Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart.

Mort Walker


She said: My husband and I found a charming bed-and-breakfast nestled in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Though enchanted, I nonetheless had some questions about the accommodations.  

"Does the room have its own bath?" I asked.  

Nodding, the proprietor answered, "If no one else checks in, it does."  


Collective fear stimulates herd instinct, and tends to produce ferocity toward those who are not regarded as members of the herd.

Bertrand Russell


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Welcome to the daily!

“Welcome every morning with a smile. Look on the new day as another special gift from your Creator, another golden opportunity to complete what you were unable to finish yesterday. Be a self-starter. Let your first hour set the theme of success and positive action that is certain to echo through your entire day. Today will never happen again. Don’t waste it with a false start or no start at all. You were not born to fail.”

Og Mandino



Since many of you have recently joined our daily list in order to start your day with a smile I thought I should review what it is all about. About seven years ago I started sharing stuff I found humorous with a small number of friends, most from the United States, but some from outside the US. Since that time the mailing list has grown to more than 500 recipients, actually much more than that since there have been more than 11,000 visitors to my 360 blog and many of you resend the daily on to others. As you know I have fallen into the habit of sharing thoughts and a little philosophy from time to time and I am grateful to the fact it has become a habit. I doubt that I would be doing much introspective thinking if it were not for the daily, I have learned a lot about myself in the process.


Many of you are old friends, some from as far back as the 1950’s, others from more recent times. You are doctors, housewives, professors, international aid workers, retirees, business people, and more. The list of what occupies you is extensive and you live in all parts of the worldYou range in age from the teens to the eighties. I have never met many of you since you joined the list through a friend or somehow stumbled across the daily as you surfed the web. I feel though that we have become friends since we are in regular contact and I do appreciate your being a reader.


Much of what is included in the daily are things I received from one of you and I am always grateful for that. Of course the best part of that is just hearing from you.


As always if you want me to put a friend on the list let me know and I will be glad to do so. So thanks one and all, I am glad that we have become friends.


Although there may be nothing new under the sun, what is old is new to us and so rich and astonishing that we never tire of it. If we do tire of it, if we lose our curiosity, we have lost something of infinite value, because to a high degree it is curiosity that gives meaning and savor to life.

Robertson Davies


She told me that:

When I was in my younger days,

I weighed a few pounds less,

I needn’t hold my tummy in

to wear a belted dress.


But now that I am older,

I’ve set my body free;

There’s comfort of elastic

where once my waist would be.


Inventor of those high-heeled shoes

my feet have not forgiven;

I have to wear a nine now;

But used to wear a seven.


And how about those pantyhose-

They’re sized by weight, you see,

So how come when I put them on,

the crotch is at my knees?


I need to wear these glasses

as the prints were getting smaller;

And it wasn’t very long ago

I know that I was taller.


Though my hair has turned to silver

and my skin no longer fits;

On the inside, I’m the same old me,

Just the outside’s changed a bit.


I will never put off until tomorrow what I can forget about forever.


One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with her to visit a friend at work. Everyone there knew her, and she was offered a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees went to make more coffee, her son followed her and asked, "What are you doing?"  

"I’m making your mom’s favorite drink," she answered.  

Imagine the woman’s shock when she heard her son say, "Wow! You know how to make beer?"




The Fourth of July weekend was coming up and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room.

He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I’m not free. I’m four."


A wife says she wants a divorce.

Husband: "But you’re supposed to love me no matter what."

Wife: "You have me confused with Jesus."


The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum. Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship’s log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don’t let that stay in the log", the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."

"Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.

"Yes, its true" the mate said.

"Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That’s the rule. If its true it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain sternly.

Weeks later, it was the first mate’s turn to make the log entries. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today."


It is never too late to be what you might have been.

George Eliot


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Don’t overlook the rainbow!

In the central place of every heart there is a recording chamber; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, and courage, so long are you young. When the wires are all down and your heart is covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of cynicism, and then only, are you grown old.

General Douglas MacArthur



The dictionary says that a cynic is a person who believes all people are motivated by selfishness. A person whose outlook is scornfully and often habitually negative is also a cynic. I am ok with the definitions; my problem is that I don’t know how to react to the cynical. First let me say that I really don’t like to be around the cynical, I don’t mind looking a potential problems, I just don’t like people who spend all their time trying to find them. How sad it must be for those who have spent their lives in a negative world, participating only by spreading scorn.


Just think what the cynic misses. How many friends might they have had if they had not believed that everyone is selfish? Pity the cynic who is so busy looking for trash that they can’t see the flower. Every day we let go by thinking the worst is a day that we will surely have missed the best. I would so much rather spend my time finding the flower than spend it looking for trash that I can use to prove to all that they have no reason to be happy.


Do me a favor, if something is wrong tell me, don’t shut everything down. Once you have told me then please work with me to make it right. And oh by the way if you think all people are motivated by selfishness then why are you here, for here is where people who care for each other gather to share friendship and goodwill.


“What is a cynic?

A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.”

Oscar Wilde


What a bargain grandchildren are!


My grandkids believe I’m the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.  

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly.  

Welsh Proverb

Never have children, only grandchildren.

Ogden Nash

When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.

Marcy DeMaree

Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete.

Lois Wyse

If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I’d have had them first.

Henry Youngman

The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents.

You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

Alex Haley

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children.

Joy Hargrove


A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.  

"Well," he replied, "the pay sucks and the hours are lousy, but what I do like is that the customer is always wrong."  


A ninety-year-old man married a woman of the same age.

They spent their honeymoon trying to get out of the car!


Mary:  I’m not interested in marriage.

Sally:  Don’t you want to meet that special guy?

Mary: Hey, I meet special guys all the time. If I was married, I’d have to stop doing that.


Money does not talk. It just goes without saying.


A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him."

"I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."


"If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done."

Ludwig Wittgenstein


The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a ‘Lord Nelson.’ The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.  

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told: "Doctor, I’ve been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson."  

"That’s wonderful," said the doctor.  

"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I’m Lady Nelson." 


"People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn’t look any better."

Margot Black


A frustrated father vented, "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player."

"So what do you do?" asked his friend.

"I send him to MY room!" exclaimed the father.


“There is nothing so pitiful as a young cynic because he has gone from knowing nothing to believing nothing.”

Maya Angelou


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

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