January | 2012 | Ray's Daily

Ray's musings and humor

Archive for January, 2012

Another Year

Our goal was to win, to win a Super Bowl, but also to win in the right way, to be role models to our community, to represent Indianapolis, the state of Indiana and the National Football League.

Tony Dungy

It is unbelievable, today is my birthday and Indianapolis has gone crazy. There are people everywhere. Parties are scheduled all over town. They have even blocked off streets and are holding free concerts. Thousands are greeting strangers and guests as they arrive for the big celebration. They have even strung a zip line through a number of downtown blocks so folks can take an exciting ride across our city. Budweiser even took over a hotel and renamed it the Bud Light Hotel. All I can say is the people here for the Super Bowl on Sunday are fortunate that it is being held the week of my birthday or maybe it is the other way around.

It is really a wow time here and the national and international news media is giving our city rave reviews for its hospitality, friendliness, spectacular events, and so much more. I cannot do justice to what is turning out to be one of the best planned and executed events ever. If you have a minute visit http://www.indianapolissuperbowl.com/ or http://visitindy.com/2012-Super-Bowl-Indianapolis-Guide and get a taste of what is going on.

I cannot describe how proud I am of the people I know who have worked so hard for a number of years now to make this week as memorable as possible for our guests from around the world. Thousands of school children have colored greeting cards that have been put the hotel rooms welcoming those who well be here for the event. More than 8,000 volunteers are doing all they can at venues throughout the city to make the experience as pleasant and trouble free as possible. Streets have been closed and turned into celebration areas, restaurants have expanded, major spaces have been transformed into party venues, and a huge Super Bowl Experience has been built inside our massive convention center and it is all in walking distance for each, as is the stadium where the Super Bowl will be held. We even have roaming ambassadors trained and equipped with cell phones to answer questions, help with restaurant and party reservations and anything else they can do to help.

How fortunate I am to be able to celebrate my birthday in such a great place.

~~~

“A Super Bowl guarantee: Indianapolis will be a great host”

ESPN’s Adam Schefter foremost NFL reporter

~~~

WE MUST STOP THIS SINISTER PLOT!

Have you ever noticed that as the years go by, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper, groceries are heavier, and everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was horrified to discover how long our street had become! I never noticed when I was younger that it’s been changing!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also have a feeling that these people are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, something has been making people who used to be my own age so much older than I am.

I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection…. and I noticed that even mirrors were not made the way they used to be!

Clothing manufacturers are part of the conspiracy too! Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You’re risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

The people who make bathroom scales are in on it as well. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial? Hah! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they’re fooling?

I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on — but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon *everyone* will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

~~~

“The best way to get people to think out of the box is not to create the box in the first place.”

Martin Cooper

~~~

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Johnny, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Johnny burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

~~~

A woman always remembers where and when she got married; a man sometimes forgets why.

~~~

When Ma & Pa first arrived on the homestead Pa installed a bell on the front porch and told Ma if trouble comes while I’m out in the field a plowin’ then you just ring that bell and I’ll come a running.

The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home. When he arrives Ma says “Them boys are givin me a hard time about doin the chores and little Sammy done stuck the butter knife in the molasses without lickin the blade clean first.”

Pa says “you mean I just run all the way in from the fields for this. next time it had better be important.”

The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home again. When he arrives his wife is in tears standing over a broke clothes line. “Pa”; she says “some jackass came ridin through here on a mule and ran right through the clothes line and rurnt the washin.”

At first Pa was trying to figure out what was ridin what but then he yells “I told you not to ring that bell unless something bad was goin on. If this happens again I’m goin to whap you with a board.”

The next day Pa hears the bell again and grabbin up a board heads for home. When he arrives Ma is clinging to the porch rail with a spear in her back, the house behind her is in flames and the chickens are laying dead in the front yard, shot full of arrows.

Pa looks at Ma and says “Now that’s more like it.”

~~~

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”

The woman says….. “I’ll miss you.”

~~~

A healthy social life is found only when, in the mirror of each soul, the whole community finds its reflection, and when in the whole community, the virtue of each one is living.

Rudolf Steiner

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Category:

Humor, Life

I am going to have a great week, are you?

“The measure of mental health is the disposition to find good everywhere.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you have been reading the Daily lately then you know I have been wondering why so many folks go through life missing much of the enjoyment it has to offer. Some become so frustrated with what they view to be their failure to secure those things that would make them happy that they often turn to anger and search for something or someone to blame for their plight. It seems that our current culture has conditioned lots of folks to believe that their worth is solely based on their wealth and position.

I know you have heard all this from me before but I repeat it only because I know in my heart that it does not have to be that way and I feel the pain of those who do. I am always amazed at how we can see something one way if we are looking for flaws and another if we are looking for positive aspects. I feel good about the fact I chose not to waste my time looking for what’s wrong with my condition or searching for a nonexistent culprit who is more responsible for my life than I am. I much rather use the time I have enjoying what I do have and placing value on the little day to day things that fill all most every waking moment. Let’s face it reaching the top of the mountain is not the lingering achievement it is the climb.

Here is something I found written by a guy who publishes a blog called Attitude Tips that I think has merit and is worth sharing.

Your happiness is the most important aspect of your life. Why do I say this? Because if you really examine everything you do, and everything you want to have, I would bet that it’s because you believe doing and having those things will make you happy. Am I right? If you want a new car, or a new relationship, why do you want those things. Ultimately, it’s because you believe these things will make you happy. Being happy is really the main goal of pretty much every living person on this planet earth.

Once you understand that happiness is your true goal, you also start to understand that new stuff, new relationships, and new achievements aren’t really what you are after. Sure, they might be nice side benefits, but if you were happy now, would any of that stuff really matter to you much?

This is where the importance of a positive attitude comes in. When you start developing a positive attitude in your life. You begin to look at what is already good in your life, and start to have more gratitude for what you already have. Instead of focusing on what is lacking and what is wrong in your life, you refocus on what you have already been blessed with. Living life with a sense of gratitude instead of feelings of lack and frustration will cause you to feel happy. When you already feel happy, all of those other things you thought you wanted or needed suddenly only become stuff that would be nice to have. And when that happens, your happiness is no longer dependant on other people, places, things, or achieving goals.

The interesting thing is that once you move in to a state of hootlessness (to borrow a term from the Sedona Method course) about getting what you want, you actually start getting more great things happening in your life. You see, when you move from a state of “must have” to “nice to have”, you have dropped all the resistance out of your vibration. And when the resistance is gone, the law of attraction can move things in to your life at a much faster pace.

~~~

The only thing complaining does is to convince other people you are not in control and that you let less than positive circumstances control your mood and outlook.

Author Unknown

~~~

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

“Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient. “You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it’s actually worse than that. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there — if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, “Pay me in advance.”

~~~

Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

~~~

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

~~~

There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.

Chinese Proverb.

~~~

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”

~~~

“Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.”

Jim Murray.

~~~

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a “dream home”. Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget.

However, after the first week, she began complaining again. “Joel,” she said, “I don’t like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath.”

“Don’t worry.” replied her husband. “If the neighbors do see you, they’ll buy curtains.”

~~~

“Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.”

Euripides

~~~

My aunt’s neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, named Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain for several days. The following spring,, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he’s been out sowing his wild oats. Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt’s friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the street. “A black cat?” the woman said. “Oh, yes! My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter.”

~~~

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.”

Robert Louis Stevenson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

I hope you are as fortunate as I am

Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come.

Chinese Proverb

I don’t know about you but I find the current political polarization depressing. It is the same with street talk; I think there is far too much hate and anger in much of the speech while most cannot really offer much in concrete justification for how they feel. I know it may seem strange but the people I know who are really in need, the jobless, the foreclosed homeowners and those just getting by often have a greater appreciation of what they have than those who truly want for little.

I am beginning to think that over accumulation of material things creates an ever increasing desire for more, resulting in less appreciation of what is accumulated. Some have become so driven that they have little time left to be concerned about others.

I think one of the best things that happened to me was when my fantasies no longer included acquiring the newest supercar, expensive clothes, $100 dinners and the like. My fantasy had turned to my learning to appreciate what I do have and to appreciate the people I know and those I will meet, more than I do things I might have.

Here is an edited poem someone sent me not long ago that I really like, I hope you will too.

Count Your Blessings

Unknown Author

I’ve never made a fortune,

and it’s probably too late now.

But I don’t worry about that much,

I’m happy anyhow.

And as I go along life’s way,

I’m reaping better than I sowed.

I’m drinking from my saucer,

‘Cause my cup has overflowed.

Haven’t got a lot of riches,

and sometimes the going’s tough.

But I’ve got loving ones all around me,

and that makes me rich enough.

And may I never be too busy,

to help others bear their loads.

Then I’ll keep drinking from my saucer,

‘Cause my cup has overflowed.

When I think of how many people

in this world have it worse than I do.

I realize just how blessed most of us really are.

~~~

Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.

Rabindranath Tagore

~~~

There’s a (Baptist) church-sponsored basketball league in the Atlanta area that makes awards to players at the end of every game. Young players will get awards for best defense, best offense, best sportsmanship, and an award for being the most “Christ-like.” I asked a mother how a player would qualify for that award. “It’s easy,” she said. “If the crowd moans ‘Oh, Jesus!’ every time one particular player gets the ball, he gets the award.”

Don’t you just love a Baptist with a sense of humor?

~~~

“The price of Prozac went up 50% last year. When they asked Prozac users how they felt about this they said, “Whatever…”

Conan O’Brien

~~~

The doorbell rang and the little girl ran to open the door. In the doorway stood a man with a clipboard. He explained he was from the Census Bureau and wanted to know how many were in the family.

Coming over, drying her hands on her apron, the mother said, “Let’s see. There’s me and my husband, and my children Tracy, Katherine, Amanda, Alfred, Benjamin–”

The census taker interrupted, saying, “I’m not interested in the names. The numbers will be enough.”

The little girl pitched in. “We don’t use numbers. We haven’t run out of names yet!”

~~~

Just remember–when you think all is lost, the future remains.

Robert Goddard

~~~

A woman, having walked all around the cemetery, complains to the caretaker, “I have looked all around, and can not find my husband’s grave.”

“Oh? What name were you looking for?”

“Irving Finkelstein.”

“Hmmmm,” says the caretaker, “must be a mistake somewhere. The only Finkelstein we have is a Rachel Finkelstein.”

“That is no mistake!” says Rachel. “Irving has always put everything in my name!”

~~~

“Ever notice that a human baby doesn’t walk until it’s tall enough to reach a parent’s hand?”

~~~

At the bar one night, a man approached one of the ladies standing near the edge of the dance floor. “Would you like to dance?” he asked.

The girl didn’t even look at him when she replied, “I don’t like this song, and even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you.”

The man immediately said, “Oh, I’m sorry, but you must have misunderstood me. I said, ‘You look fat in those pants.'”

~~~

The best way to get even is to forget..

~~~

A pilgrim was walking across the prairie during the days of the Old West when he came across a small town. Passing through the town, he noticed a saloon and decided to stop and quench his thirst. After ordering a beer, he stood at the bar and observed the other clientele in the saloon.

Suddenly the saloon door swung open, and a cowboy came running in yelling “Big Jake’s comin’!” Within seconds the establishment had cleared, leaving the pilgrim and his beer alone at the bar.

Sure enough, a huge seven-and-a-half foot, 500 pound cowboy came swaggering in, tearing out the front door frame with his broad shoulders. The cowboy looked around the saloon, marched over to the pilgrim, picked him up by the scruff of the neck, and threw him over the bar, bellowing “Gimme a drink!”

The pilgrim complied, placing the almost-full bottle next to the glass on the bar. The cowboy tossed back the drink, then bit the neck off of the bottle and emptied that too.

At that point, the pilgrim, quaking in his boots, asked “Sir, would you care for another?” To which the cowboy replied, “Nope. I gotta go. Big Jake’s comin’!”

~~~

Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyway.

Emory Austin

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

Do you overthink?

“Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in.”

Napoleon Bonaparte

I recently received the following from Dani who publishes Positively Present and it reminded me that overthinking can be as bad as underthinking. How often do we let opportunity pass us by as we are still thinking about what we might do? What can be even more debilitating is wasting too much time concentrating on what has gone wrong and who we might blame. Life is too precious to waste too much of it trying to think up excuses or agonizing over things we cannot control or influence. Look at what Dani offered and see if you need to find ways to free up your mind for more rewarding use.

The January 2012 issue of Real Simple had a great article on how to get over overthinking (a negative mental habit that too many people battle far too often). Below is my take on the six steps recommended to kick that cycle of too-much-thinking to the curb.

6 Steps to Stop Overthinking

Step 1: Take Action. As the article says, “If the problem is specific and solvable, try to turn it into a concrete solution.” Don’t focus on what happened in the past (or what hasn’t happened yet). Instead, focus on what you can do to improve the present moment.

Step 2: Challenge Your Beliefs. Ask yourself if what you’re thinking is definitely true. Try to think about other possible ways of looking at whatever you’re thinking about.

Step 3: Distract Yourself. My mom always used distraction on us as kids and to this day I find that it’s one of the best methods for dealing with almost any situation that has resulted in overthinking. Find something that will stimulate you mentally and focus your attention on that activity.

Step 4: Don’t Talk It Out. Sometimes you need to share with other people, but when you’re overthinking something this is a big no-no. The more you talk about something, overanalyzing it and allowing for others’ comments to take you in new thinking directions, the more you’re going to obsess over it.

Step 5: Practice Mindfulness. Focus on the present moment and you’ll take away the power your thoughts seemingly have over you. The present moment isn’t about what could have been or what could be. It’s about right now.

Step 6: Be Patient. Overthinking isn’t an easy habit to break so it’s important to be kind to yourself as you’re working on this problem. As the article reminds us, overthinking about how you can’t stop overthinking isn’t going to do anyone any good.

Overthinking isn’t something that can be stopped overnight. It takes time, patience, and practice. The more you work on the steps above, the more you’ll be able to avoid overthinking. And remember: there’s a difference between thinking and overthinking. Thinking is great — inspiring, motivating, necessary for survival — but overthinking brings nothing but stress and negativity into our lives. If you want to live a positive life, it’s important to have a handle on your own mind and these tips are a great place to start!

~~~

No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head.

Terry Josephson

~~~

New York City rules of the road:

*Always look right and left before proceeding through a green light.

*When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow for oncoming traffic to pass.

*Never, ever stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.

*The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.

*Learn to swerve abruptly. Manhattan is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keep them on their toes.

*Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.

*Double-park in the East Village, unless triple-parking is available.

*Honk your horn the instant the light changes.

*Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.

*Making eye contact revokes your right of way.

~~~

There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother’s age.

~~~

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: “If our chute doesn’t open; and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have till we hit the ground?”

The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: “The rest of your life.”

~~~

When you are down and out, something always turns up — and it is usually the noses of your friends.

~~~

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students’ written work. She wasn’t sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, “What’s the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?”

“Tense,” she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again, “What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter?

~~~

“A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.”

Spike Milligan

~~~

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain that to your mother.”

~~~

“My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday, my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.”

Rodney Dangerfield

~~~

A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for having used the same tests for the past 35 years.

“Don’t you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that all of your students know EXACTLY what’s on the test before they sit for it?”

“Doesn’t matter,” replied the professor. “You must realize that the subject is economics. The answers are different each year!”

~~~

[Thinking is] what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

William James

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

Here I go again

Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.

Jim Rohn

Today was my heart day. I went to my cardiologist to review my current health status and to learn what I am expected to do next. Unfortunately I failed on of his tests. It was an eye test, he had me stand up straight and look down to see if I could see my shoes and lo and behold I could not as my belly was in the way. So now I have been ordered to go through a paunch reduction program. He has ordered me to lose about 20% of my weight without having any limbs or body part removed surgically.

It was easy for him to say, he does not know how hard it is to resign from the gluttony society. But if it will help my return to semi-physical prowess it will be worth it. I have done it before in a competitive race with a friend where I had to report my weight on a daily basis; regrettably my friend has moved on and probably has stayed slim so I will be on my own. Since I am in fear of my medical caregivers and their propensity to beat on me I will start weighing myself every day and do it without holding on to the towel bar even though I am lighter when I do it that way. I have three months before my next weigh in and since I am sure that light weight clothes and pockets loaded with helium filled balloons won’t do the job I need to go back to a frugal diet. Wish me luck.

It’s just no use

Can’t deny it

My belt’s not loose

I need to diet!

Beef burgers and chips

Get away from me!

Kept far from my lips

Just salad for tea

This body I must pump

Need to exercise well

Must tighten up my rump

And my huge bloated bell…(y)

This is a fight I can win

I truly can become slim

With fast food do not sin

And keep going to the gym

Need to get in shape and not feed

I would just like to be quite svelte

You never know, I may yet need

To actually tighten my belt!

~~~

If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.

Anon

~~~

10 reasons Adam was the luckiest man

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.

2. He had no in-laws to drop in.

3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.

4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.

5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.

6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.

7. He never had to shovel snow!

8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn’t normal.

9. There was no “standard weight and height” tables – and the word FAT meant good.

10. When God asked “Adam, where are you?” He replied, “The woman you gave me was reading the map.”

~~~

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Thomas Jefferson

~~~

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. “Professionally employed?” he asked.

“We’re a military family,” the wife answered.

“Children?”

“Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve,” she answered proudly.

“Animals?”

“Oh, no,” she said earnestly. “They’re very well behaved.”

~~~

Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.

Margaret Lee Runbeck

~~~

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”

“Objection!” said the defense attorney. “Irrelevant!”

“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand. “I don’t mind answering the question.”

“I object!” the defense said again.

“No, really,” said the blonde. “I’ll answer.”

The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”

So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”

The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know!”

~~~

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

Lao-Tzu

~~~

Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men’s room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him.

After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, “I’m that man. I was the one who gave you the dime.”

“You’re not the one I’m looking for. I’m looking for the guy who left the stall door open!”

~~~

Don’t dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

English Proverb

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

It is up to you

“Always look at what you have left. Never look at what you have lost.”

Robert H. Schuller

One of the things that disturbed me the most on my recent trip was how many people I met who seemed to go out of their way to be unhappy. They spent far too much time trying to find out what was wrong with everything and everybody. I’ll never understand why so many people, have a negative attitude which guarantees that they will miss most of what life has to offer. I honestly think it is mostly a matter of attitude. Here is edited piece that Dani at Positively Pleasant offers on the subject.

5 Steps to a Happy Life with Positive Attitude

Step 1: Believe Happiness is a Choice

For me, this was a hard one at first. I thought that people were either unhappy or happy (and I was one of the unhappy ones). I used to blame this on all kinds of outside forces –- fate, experiences, parents, relationships –- but never really stopped to think that I could choose to be happy. Sure, this isn’t always easy, but it is always, always an option. Teaching myself to see that happiness is a choice has been one of the greatest things I’ve ever done for myself.

Now when I find myself in a bad situation, I know that it’s up to me to find the good, to be happy regardless of what’s happening around me.

Step 2: Rid Your Life of Negativity

If you want to live a positive, joyful and happy life, you cannot –- absolutely CANNOT -– be surrounded by negative people who are not encouraging your happiness. When I was a pretty negative person, I tended to attract other negative people. When I decided to make the change to live a more positive life, I had to rid my life of all of the negative people in it. This, as you can imagine, wasn’t easy. Getting rid of people hurts -– even when you know they aren’t good for you or your current lifestyle.

I learned to focus on the positive things I was doing and let go of the negative ones. This process was not easy and to be honest, is still ongoing, but I know this: having negativity in your life prevents you from living a truly positive existence.

Step 3: Look For the Positive in Life

There is the positive aspect in everything. In every person, in every situation, there is something good. Most of the time it’s not all that obvious. We have to look. And sometimes we have to look hard.

The old me just sat back and allowed things to happen by default. If I saw negative, I went with that feeling. I didn’t want to look harder or think too much about the good. I found it much, much easier to sit back and just accept what I saw (which was usually the bad).

Everything –- good and bad -– is a learning experience. So, at the very least, you can learn from bad experiences. However, there’s usually even more to it than that. If you really take the time to look, you will usually find something good, something really positive, about every person or situation.

Step 4: Reinforce Positivity in Yourself

Once I started thinking more positively and adapted to a more positive attitude, I realized I had to reinforce these thoughts and behaviors in myself so they would stick. As with any sort of training, practice makes perfect, and, yes, you can practice being positive. The best and easiest way to do this is to be positive when it comes to who you are. Tell yourself you’re awesome. Tell yourself you look good. Tell yourself that you love and accept yourself completely. Tell yourself you did an awesome job at work or raising your kids or whatever it is you do.

It’s okay to not like everything about yourself (yet), but don’t spend energy dwelling on the negative. Remind yourself of the good in you. We all have positive attributes and it’s up to you to remind yourself of them every day.

Step 5: Share Happiness with Others

Not only do you need to be positive with yourself for this new positive attitude to really take effect, you also need to be positive with others. You have to share your wealth of positivity with the world. The best way I’ve found to do this is quite simple and basic: be nice. Be nice to other people, no matter what. Tell someone he or she looks nice today. Tell someone they did a great job on that presentation. Tell your parents or children (or both!) how much you love them and how great they are.

People appreciate positivity and the more you are sharing it with others, the more you are practicing it and reinforcing it in your own life.

~~~

“A great attitude does much more than turn on the lights in our worlds; it seems to magically connect us to all sorts of serendipitous opportunities that were somehow absent before the change.”

Earl Nightingale

~~~

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. “I’ll tell you why,” said Deacon Brown. “Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.”

“Well,” interrupted the dealer, “didn’t you receive them yet?”

“Oh, we received them all right,” replied Deacon Brown. “However, you sent us some golf pencils…each stamped with the words, ‘Play Golf Next Sunday’.”

~~~

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?”

The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

~~~

Daddy, where did I come from?” the seven-year-old asked.

It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

“Does that answer your question?” her father asked.

“Not really,” the little girl said. “Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from.”

~~~

Time may be a great healer but it’s also a lousy beautician.

~~~

Dear Mom and Dad,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son, Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible, I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late.”

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said,

“Your prayers were answered.

Your letter never came!”

~~~

“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”

– Groucho Marx

~~~

The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.

Then he spoke: “Have you noticed just what I have done?”

“Of course, dear. Every single detail!”

“Good. That’s how I want my breakfast served every morning.”

~~~

“A healthy attitude is contagious but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.”

Anonymous

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

I made it back

“To insure good health: Eat lightly, breathe deeply, live moderately, cultivate cheerfulness, and maintain an interest in life.”

William Londen

I made it back from my brief foray out of the country. Unfortunately I was not as fit as I thought I was so I had to curtail my activities while overseas. I did do OK at my Cardiac rehab session this morning which pleased me.

I was sorry today to have to pass on an offering to join one of the Salvation Army’s Super Bowl Teams that will be feeding some first responders due to my instability, physical not mental. Anyway I am glad to be home. I am going to have to send another blast from the past. Hopefully I’ll have more energy and be a little smarter tomorrow.

Ray’s Daily first published January 23, 2004

I’m off early this morning to have breakfast with an old colleague from New York who is in town for a meeting. Getting together for an hour or so is important to me as now that I appear to be really retired, we may never meet again, at least face-to-face. I think what we become is often due to the results of our friendships and their impact on our thoughts and even our lives. It is sad how often we fail to tell friends all they have given to us until it is too late to do so.

In a slightly different vein I lunched with another close friend this week and our conversation drifted into a discussion about someone we both hold in high regard. Our talk centered on the decisions and judgments our friend is making in his professional life. We got into the fact that we all have a tendency to see the world only from where we stand and that this may be having undue influence on his decisions. We all have a lifetime of experiences, developed tastes, observations, and even prejudices that I believe often have too much influence on what we do or say. As an example it drives me up the wall when a politician says “The American People want…” as if they are capable of speaking for all of us. How many times have we slipped into subjective judgmental comments such as the restaurants special is lousy, or the movie stinks, as if everyone shares our tastes. I often feel that one of the greatest problems we face in the world today is that those in power, base their decisions on what worked for them a generation ago and don’t understand the changes that have gone on in society since.

I remember lunching in Rome years ago at a restaurant that served Lasagna, to those of us who were touring together, when I heard a fellow traveler complain that “the Italians don’t know how to make Lasagna.” Judging others, the world and all it has to offer, by only our own subjective view is not only somewhat arrogant, but of even greater importance is a sure way to miss out on so much of what makes life interesting and worthwhile. It seems to me that just knowing that how we feel and what we do is filtered by seeing the world only from where we stand is enough for us to open our minds to more. And you know what? Standing in a different spot once in a while can be an adventure and even fun.

~~~

The less routine the more life.

Amos Bronson Alcott

~~~

Ken said:

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.

From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.

I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;

And he answered, “Because of the Seniors Discount.”

I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries;

And there, once again, got quite a surprise.

The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.

He said, “For you, Seniors, the coffee is free.”

Understand—I’m not old—I’m merely mature;

But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure.

The newspaper print gets smaller each day,

And people speak softer–can’t hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),

And my glasses identify people I meet.

Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit…not a lot, I am sure.

You see, I’m not old…I’m only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.

You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.

Washing my hair has turned it all white,

But don’t call it gray…saying “blond” is just right.

My car is all paid for…not a nickel is owed.

Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer…get off of the road!”

My car has no scratches…not even a dent.

Still I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.”

My friends all get older…much faster than me.

They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.

I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles…for sure,

But don’t call me old…just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they’re building today

Are so high that they take…your breath all away;

And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.

That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new,

And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.

I’m still in the running…in this I’m secure,

I’m not really old … I’m only mature.

~~~

“The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.”

King Edward VIII

~~~

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he’d have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe’s wages to pay for the repairs.

“How much will it cost?” asked my uncle.

“About $4,500,” said the owner.

“What a relief!” exclaimed Uncle Joe. “I’ve finally got job security!”

~~~

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

~~~

When it comes to wine I’m very particular about what I buy. There are two things I look for before making my selection.

First, the word “Wine” must appear somewhere on the label. This is something I insist on.

Second, I look for a sign nearby that says “On Sale.”

Follow these two rules and you won’t go far wrong.

~~~

A computer DOES save time at work. Now I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.

~~~

No man can ever be noble who thinks meanly or contemptuously of himself, and no man can ever be noble who thinks first and only of himself.

W. H. Dollinger

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

Ray has left the building

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no help at all.”

Dale Carnegie

Well my friends it is that time again, the combination of special assignments and providing the Daily staff time to recharge requires us to suspend the daily until Monday January 23^rd. I fully expect when we get back on stream we will find everyone well and happy. I am sure we will be.

These past weeks have been enlightening, interesting, sometimes challenging but also full of promise as I have met with so many that are laying the foundation for better days ahead. It always amazes me what a few willing and caring individuals can do. I am especially excited by those who are collaborating with others, both individuals and organizations in an effort to brighten the future. These are folks who are not concerned about turf or credit; they find their reward in accomplishment. As a friend and I chatted the other day we both realized that it is not important than anyone knows what we have contributed, we always know ourselves and can feel good about the fact we cared enough to do what we could.

Thank goodness that there are people who are not afraid to try and who often succeed through perseverance. These are the creators and innovators who make the breakthroughs that so often pull us out of the doldrums. What gives me great hope is that there are so many, people we may never hear about yet who do so much, we owe them our gratitude.

So to you my many windmill tilting friends, those who toil in the real world clearing the path for the rest of us, thanks. Keep up the good work while I am gone and I hope when I return you’ll let me help.

It is not always easy to do what needs to be done, fortunately like you there are many who never stop. Here is a poem that tells what I mean.

Don’t Quit

by: Unknown Author

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,

When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,

When funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.

When care is pressing you down a bit.

Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns

As every one of us sometimes learns.

And many a failure turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out:

Don’t give up though the pace seems slow –

You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out –

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.

And you never can tell how close you are.

It may be near when it seems so far:

So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit

It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

~~~

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

Winston Churchill

~~~

More things to remember:

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

~~~

“I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.”

Dick Martin

~~~

My friend’s sister was to be married on short notice but still wanted an elaborate wedding. The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception. Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note, made 280 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation. Family and friends were surprised to read: “Conception immediately following the ceremony in the grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn.” Everyone is invited.”

~~~

The reason so few people are successful is no one has yet found a way for someone to sit down and slide uphill.

W. Clement Stone

~~~

A manager was told by his doctor to take up some sport for exercise so he decided to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asked him how he was doing.

“It’s going fine”, the manager said, “When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!”

“Really? What happens then?”, the girl asked enthusiastically.

“Then my body says, ‘Who? Me? Don’t talk nonsense!'”

~~~

“Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list…”

~~~

Two guys had businesses on the same street. One had customers coming and going and the other, well, maybe two or three a day. Finally, Morris, whose business was doing badly, decided to visit Shapiro, who was doing very well. Going in the door, he saw a large banner over the entrance which read: “GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE.”

Morris wanted to know why Shapiro was going out of business, since he seemed to be doing so well. Shapiro confided, “That sign has been in my window for almost eight months. If I took it down, I would go out of business.”

~~~

(NEWLYWEDS) ‘Dear, don’t expect the first few meals to be great. It takes time to find the right restaurant.’

~~~

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, sir,” the new recruit replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

~~~

“I do not think there is any other quality so essential to success of any kind as the quality of perseverance. It overcomes almost everything, even nature.”

John D. Rockefeller

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

The future can be bright with our help

“To the person who does not know where he wants to go there is no favorable wind.”

Seneca

I had a great lunch meeting yesterday with the head of an organization whose members have the potential to lead our city and environs into a brilliant future through their ability to turn promise into reality. While so many of us limit ourselves to seeing only today’s world my friend is a visionary who is creating a vision of our community as it can exist in the future. The great thing she is that she sees the future based on what might be rather than on a continuance of the status quo.

The dream she is formulating requires an understanding of what it will take to assure the best for all of us. She is special because she is not only skilled at defining what we might aspire to become but because she also has the leadership and implementation skills that make me confident that she will develop the vision and acquire the leaders needed to take us to a bright tomorrow.

What excites me about her effort is that she sees our lives being enriched not only by our jobs and our environment but by having lives that include a vibrant social community that provides us all a lifelong access to the arts, learning experiences, volunteer opportunities and a place where we all have a chance to participate.

My friend brings to the table an unwillingness to be dissuaded by the naysayers. She has the optimism, tactical skills and experience that allow me to believe that she and others like her will prevail. But they will need help, help from people like you and me, for the future can be bright but only if we invest in what it can be. It means that we must learn to civilly work together for our common good and not slip into to the corrosive and destructive behavior we see from our elected representatives, for all that does is assure that nothing will be done with the result that the legacy we leave for our children is only a dream that we allowed to slip away.

Please don’t turn tomorrow over to others. Share the dream and then let’s all pitch in and lay the foundation upon which we can construct a glorious legacy for all to enjoy.

~~~

“A leader has the vision and conviction that a dream can be achieved. He inspires the power and energy to get it done.”

Ralph Lauren

~~~

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you talk!” exclaims the bartender.

“I see your ears are working,” says the duck, “Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?”

“Certainly,” says the bartender, “sorry about that, it’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

“Marvelous!” says the ringleader, “get him to come see me.”

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, “Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!”

“Yeah?” says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”

“At the circus” says the bartender.

“The circus?” the duck enquires.

“That’s right,” replies the bartender.

“The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?” asks the duck.

“That’s right!” says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: “What do they want with a plasterer?”

~~~

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

~~~

Recently in Traffic Court a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there.

The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.

The Judge then said, “Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you $57. Next…”

~~~

I love giving homemade gifts. Which of my children would you like?

~~~

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Mexicans east a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of fatty food and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

Conclusion: Eat, drink and be merry. Speaking English is what kills

~~~

Can’t sleep? Try counting your blessings.

~~~

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”

Jack Handy

~~~

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

~~~

The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day.

Father1: Whew! It’s getting rather warm in here, isn’t it?

Father2: Shall I open the window?

Father1: No, that’s alright. I’ll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves.

Father2: Hey, that’s a good idea. Why don’t we include that in the constitution?

Father1: What? That we’re allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?

Father2: Yeah, but that doesn’t sound very smooth. How about “Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?”

~~~

“Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your Vision is the promise of what you shall one day be. Your Ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.”

James Allen

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

Kindness Pays

Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness.

Seneca

I just got back from my first Cardiac Rehabilitation session since my going down with a cold last week. I did better than the staff and I thought I could but I am worn out and a little brain dead. I have to leave again pretty soon for a lunch meeting with the head of our cities leading leadership organizations. Rather than mess up you again are going to be taken back to yesteryear via a previously published Daily. Have fun today!

Ray’s Daily first published on January 11, 2005

“The Wise Woman’s Stone,” Author Unknown

A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.

“I’ve been thinking,” he said, “I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone.”

I think “Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone,” is the kind of question we should stop and ask more often. Some of us don’t even notice the good works of others, many take them for granted, and there are even some who ridicule those that don’t put themselves above everyone else. Just think how great it must be to be able to unselfishly give to others without thought. Especially when we have so much we can give. We can give our time, we can give our friendship, we can give our understanding, and we can give our hearts. It is those who are open to others without malice, self-interest, or hidden agendas that go through life reaping the rewards that come from caring for others no matter who they might be. Most will never know about your kindnesses, but you will. In my estimation it is not wealth, title or prestige that is the true measure of man or woman, it is ones kindness and unselfish caring for others that matters.

~~~

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.

Og Mandino

~~~

There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of The Hicksville Southern Baptist Church.

It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on “dedicating yourselves to service” and the Choir Director chose to sing: “I Shall Not Be Moved.”

Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on “giving.” Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: “Jesus Paid It All.”

By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday Morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on “The sins of Gossiping.” Would you believe the Choir Director selected: “I Love To Tell The Story?”

There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed, he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: “Why Not Tonight?”

Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later, explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist: “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.”

~~~

“Remember that happiness is a way of travel – not a destination.”

Roy M. Goodman

~~~

The School for the Deaf had just graduated it’s newest class of 21 year-olds. As a celebration, they all went out to a bar for drinks. They all sat down at the bar and began to sign their orders to the bartender, who was looking at them puzzled. He looked at the teacher and said, “I don’t know sign language! What are they askin’ for?”

The teacher replied, “Just give em what you think is good. Don’t give em too much, because this is the first time they’ve ever been drinking. Just use your judgment.” The teacher got a drink and went downstairs with the other teacher, leaving the students at the bar.

An hour later, the teachers come upstairs, running to the screams of the bartender. He was backed against the wall pointing at the students and screaming. The students were moaning loudly and waving their arms all over the place. “What the hell are they doing now???” the bartender asked.

The teacher observed for a moment. “Ach! I told you not to give them too much to drink!! You got them drunk, and now they’re singing!”

~~~

She said: Men are like animals messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but occasionally make great pets. She also said: If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day or two, He’ll be back to his usual self.

~~~

Her “Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler”

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

~~~

I told my wife I feel old, fat, bald, useless, and stupid. She said, “Don’t be silly you re not old.”

~~~

Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk: 10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound 4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound 2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound 2 bars soap at $.83 each “How much does that come to?” asked Larry. “Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents.” “If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?” said the boy. “Seven dollars and sixty-four cents,” stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions.

Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, “I don’t want to buy anything…that’s our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it.”

~~~

Want a little peace and quiet around your house??? Buy a phoneless cord.

~~~

He said: I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, “Do I click the square?”

I said, “Yes.”

She asked me, “Single click or double click?”

~~~

After harvesting the usual bumper crop of squash last year, I took a half-dozen to the office. I piled them on the table in the break room and posted a sign advertising them as free.

The next day I noticed an addition to my sign. Below “Free Zucchini,” someone had written, “Save the whales.”

~~~

If someone listens, or stretches out a hand, or whispers a word of encouragement, or attempts to understand a lonely person, extraordinary things begin to happen.

Loretta Girzartis

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Category:

Humor, Life

Ray's Daily

Ray's musings and humor

Archive for January, 2012

Another Year

I am going to have a great week, are you?

I hope you are as fortunate as I am

Do you overthink?

Here I go again

It is up to you

I made it back

Ray has left the building

The future can be bright with our help

Kindness Pays

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