Ray's Daily

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Mark Twain

We had a great Christmas and I hope you did as well. I had put on my Christmas list that I would really like something I really wanted but did not know what it was and you know what? I got a few, I don’t know if it is because others in my family are psychic, they’ve known me long enough to understand me, or it is just that I like everything, probably a little of each. All and all another great Christmas that caps a generally good year.

So now we begin the pre-New Years packing ritual a time when we pack more than we should and forget things we need. Fortunately we have been doing that most of our lives so we don’t have to worry about it being a symptom of aging. So my dear friends, as each of you is celebrating the New Year we will be at sea wishing we had remembered something we should have brought and remember all the things that have made our lives what they are.

I am not sure when the daily will have to shut down but I know it will be no later than this Friday. While I am gone I would appreciate your keeping the peace, smiling often, having some fun, and being there when we return.

We will be traveling with a couple of dear old friends and that is always good and if this cruise is like all our others we will be starting a few new friendships as well. Of course I will miss all of you, but honestly not too much. I will set aside a little time each day in the casino, while on shore, or at a meal to enjoy myself in your name, see I do care. Be good if you can, if you can’t at least get pleasure from what ever it is and try to make sure no one sees you.

~~~

The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.

~~~

These are from an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?" –Age 15

"It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen’s. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends." -Age 8

"I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween." -Age 13

~~~

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

~~~

Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:

~ Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so."

~ To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.

~ Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.

~ Look out your window often. If you see a large, zigzag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.

~ For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out-of-control fires that consumed most of the city.

~ A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep, and work in doorways.

~ Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.

~~~

A vacation is what you take when you no longer can take what you have been taking.

Earl Wilson

~~~

The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got.  He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line.  "A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits," he told them.

After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served. A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn’t like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.

The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you’re gonna eat ?" he asked.  The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don’t look too appetizing."

The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"  The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."

The kid said, "Yeah, man, I’d appreciate it."

The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.

~~~

A crisis is when you can’t say "Lets forget the whole thing". 

~~~

Since I won’t be with you for New Years I thought you might benefit from the following advice.

If you are sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

• I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Read less.
• Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
• Procrastinate more.
• Drink. Drink some more.
• Take up a new habit: smoking.
• Spend more time at work.
• Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
• Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
• Start being superstitious.

~~~

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to."

Rita Rudner

~~~

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one.  Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you’re a man, that’s interesting.  I’m a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars!  There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.  This must be a sign that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely.  This must be a sign!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here’s another miracle.  My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.  The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren’t you having any?"

The woman replies, "No.  I think I’ll just wait for the police."

~~~

“I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it, but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor”

Oliver Wendell Holmes

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

I’ve had the same, full-time assistant and typist for eight or nine years now. She’s read everything I’ve written, she types everything and does a good job, translates it and makes comments.

Kevin J. Anderson

I have noticed as time has gone by just how important anyone is who has assistant attached to their title, you know, they are the assistant waiters, assistant managers, assistant-to-the-presidents, teacher assistants, doctor’s assistants, and the hundreds of other kinds of assistants out there. They are everywhere and thank god that they are for it is they who do much of the good work that benefits us all. As an example, I cruise often and will again next week and if you have cruised you know it is the assistant-waiter that gives you personal service, has your favorite drink ready before you sit down and is always ready to do whatever needs to be done. I could give hundreds of other stories about these good people, the assistants but since I know each of you can find your own example I won’t. Sadly, as often as not the assistant is still the assistant because she or he is too valuable to promote to something else of course some just love their jobs for they get to do something important.

Over the years I have had many so called assistants but they were so much more than that. They have been my friends, colleagues, partnesr, and also sometimes a few were surrogate mothers making sure that I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to do, at the time I was supposed to be there. These special people were as responsible for any contributions I made as I was. Some have remained friends for decades and I love them all, yes, even the guys.

If the truth be known many of the assistants don’t even have the title of assistant, they just stay behind the scenes and do the work. I’ll let you in on a secret, go back there and spend some time with them, they are a lot more fun, appreciate you more, and are a lot less stuffy than most of the people they assist.

So join me as I raise a New Year’s glass and toast the assistants of the world for it is they who make it work. And next time you get a chance thank them for what they do since sadly far too many of us never pay any attention to them +and are too quick to thank someone else for the results of their work.

~~~

“The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker.”

Helen Keller

~~~

She said:

People don’t like to look dumpy in their own snapshots, which is why my husband, a professional photographer, gets a lot of requests asking him to retouch photos. You know, erase the crow’s-feet, lop off the love handles.

So I wasn’t surprised when one woman, pointing to a family portrait, asked him, "Can you take 30 pounds off me?" until she added, "And put it on my sister?"

~~~

Bill once told me that his marriage was secure. "My wife would never file for divorce from me. She’d never do anything to make me that happy!"

~~~

For new fathers, or anyone thinking about becoming a father, you must learn these WORDS OF WISDOM:

Don´t ask me, ask your mother.

Close the door. Were you raised in a barn?

Who said life was supposed to be fair.

This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.

You call that noise "music"?

No, we´re not there yet.

As long as you live under my roof, you´ll live by my rules.

Because I said so. That´s why.

Do what I say, not what I do.

So you think you´re smart, do you?

If I´ve told you once, I´ve told you a thousand times.

You want something to do? I´ll give you something to do.

I´m not just talking to hear my own voice!

What do you think I am, a bank?

I don´t care what other people are doing! I´m not everybody else´s father!

Enough is enough!

Don´t make me stop the car!

~~~

I’d like to go to an assertiveness training class.  First I need to check with my wife.

Adam Christing

~~~

Retirement Center Pickup Lines

"What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like…where exactly are we again?"

"Yes, I’m 92… but I have the body of a 78-year-old."

"Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire pools. Your blue hair, too."

"Hey babe, looking for a good time? How’s about coming home with me and…Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z."

~~~

"Sometimes it’s important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it’s essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow."

Douglas Pagels

~~~

In the Admitting office of our hospital, some patients were filling out forms, others were being interviewed and still others were being escorted to their rooms.

An elderly woman, obviously not sure of where she should be, hesitatingly entered my cubicle.  She had completed the admitting forms and, upon my request, handed me her insurance cards.  I typed the necessary information and then asked her the reason for her coming to the hospital.

"I’m here to just visit a friend," she said, "but all this has taken so long, I’m not sure I have the time now!"

~~~

The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.

~~~

The officer pulled me over for speeding.  I explained that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.

But rather than letting me off, he wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, "Congratulations.  The first year is paper, right?"

~~~

The only people to get even with are those who have helped you.

~~~

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was…surrounded by trees and bushes.

~~~

Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?

A. Because…. A lot of men are stupid, but very few are blind

~~~

May your walls know joy;

May every room hold laughter and every window open to great possibility.

Maryanne Radmacher-Hershey

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin–real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.

Alfred D. Souza

I had breakfast today with a friend who is retiring next week. We had talked over the months about life after a full time job and the choices that people can or must make when they retire. In my friends case she was fortunate to have many options because of her wisdom and talent. One of her many talents is photography and retirement provides her the opportunity to turn professional and make some pretty good money. In her mind she has two choices, she can turn pro and take the pictures others tell her to take, or stay as she is and take the pictures she wants to take. She has chosen the latter. All I can say is great! Just think what it will be like when she gets to see all that is around her as she looks for the next shot. There is discovery around every corner, things that will trigger a new thought, a new feeling, and even an occasional new path.

As I have thought more about her plan I realized that those same doors are there for us all, all we have to do is choose and then walk through. We can try to be what others think we should be, where we only see what is there and never see what is around the corner. We can take a job doing the same thing we always did or take one that lets us see what we have missed. We can choose to go to where retired people go and do the same thing most everyday, with the same people while wondering if this is all there is. Or we can do things we never did before and go places to see what we missed in the past. The great thing is that we don’t have to lock ourselves in to one thing or the other. If doing one thing is no fun we won’t have to do it again, if it is us fun we can come back for more. And we can do things that mean something, both of ourselves and for others.

One of the ways to measure the quality of the rest of our lives is contained in this poem by Emily Dickenson.

If I can stop one Heart from breaking

I shall not live in vain

If I can ease one Life the Aching

Or cool one Pain

Or help one fainting Robin

Unto his Nest again

I shall not live in Vain.

~~~

My friend Carolyn sent this to me, it was too good not to pass on to you.

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

Here are last year’s winners…..

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole i n it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 PM instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

~~~

The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I couldn’t care less…

~~~

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a ‘Lord Nelson.’ The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.  

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told: "Doctor, I’ve been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson."  

"That’s wonderful," said the doctor.  

"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I’m Lady Nelson."  

~~~

True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.

Charles Caleb Colton

~~~

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry, because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet"?

~~~

There is only one success–to be able to spend your life in your own way.

Christopher Morley

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

We will meet again my friend,

A hundred years from today

Far away from where we lived

And where we used to play.

We will know each others’ eyes

And wonder where we met

Your laugh will sound familiar

Your heart, I won’t forget.

We will meet, I’m sure of this,

But let’s not wait till then…

Let’s take a walk beneath the stars

And share this world again.

Ron Atchison

If you are like I am you find that some of the best moments in your life is when you share an experience with someone else. Be it a sunrise seen together, a task done by both, or a thousand other things that we encounter in our lifetime. Sadly too many of us fail to share our ourselves with others and miss the opportunity to experience the warmth that comes from mutual enjoyment. Those of you who have been daily readers for sometime know that I have great regard for the late Leo Buscaglia, here is what he said about sharing.

“The majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through this world. There will most likely be no ticker-tape parades for us, no monuments created in our honor. But that does not lessen our possible impact, for there are scores of people waiting for someone just like us to come along; people who will appreciate our compassion, our unique talents. Someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around. It’s overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt.”

~~~

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.

Buddha

~~~

Funny Kids’ Opinions

On science: "We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe."  

–Travis, age 11  

On beauty: "If you want to be loved by someone who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful."  

–Anita, age 8  

On beauty: "It isn’t always how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything, and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet."  

–Brian, age 7  

On marriage: "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."  

–Eddie, age 6  

On marriage: "Twenty-three is the best age, because you know the person forever by then."  

–Cameron, age 10  

On relationships: "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."  

–Lynnette, age 8  

On relationships: "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."  

–Erin, age 8  

On science: "One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in 1 second."  

–Harold, age 11  

~~~

Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, and so am I!

~~~

A couple were vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he’d like to camp and to calm her concerns, they’d talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, "Well, we haven’t seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."

The wife shrieked, "There’s two types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous"?

The ranger replied, "Well, that’s easy. See, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it’s a black bear. If it shakes the tree until you fall out, it’s a grizzly."

The motel room was quite nice.

~~~

Sometimes being in the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

~~~

If you like gambling, the worst thing you can do is bring your spouse with you to the casino.

If you lose, they get mad.

If you win, they want half!

~~~

A mother may hope that her daughter will get a better husband that she did, but she knows her son will never get as good a wife as his father did.

~~~

I was in a customer’s home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their four-year-old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pant leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it"?

I said, "Sure Michelle."

So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl’s bicycle.

"Wow, Michelle! That’s a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it"?

"Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face she pouted, "but it’s broke."

I looked at the new bicycle and couldn’t see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What’s wrong with it"?

"I don’t know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!"

~~~

If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it.

Jonathan Winters

~~~

We finally got a local doctor who set-up his practice right in his home. He was awakened one morning about 4:00 A.M. by a man who said he brought his wife in.

Thinking it to be an emergency, the doctor hurried out to the truck with the man. There sat a healthy looking young woman whom the doctor had just seen the day before.

"Good morning Doctor." she smiled. "You told me to come in for a blood test this morning before breakfast."

~~~

Proud father to mother as they watched their small son lying on the floor studying by the light from the TV screen. "Reminds you of Abe Lincoln, doesn’t it?"

~~~

A woman was determined to get her newly retired husband some attractive leisure clothes. She went into a men’s clothing store and told the salesgirl, "I’m looking for something youthful, something wild in a men’s pair of slacks."

"Oh," sighed the salesgirl. "Aren’t we all?"

~~~

“Love is the harmony of two souls singing together.”

Gregory J. P. Godek

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

I was thinking of the pain we cause each other for no good reason. I wonder sometimes if we have inborn anger that comes out even though there is no good reason? How often do we see people angry because of the so called “Principle of the thing,” even when no harm has been done? And if that was not bad enough way too many then stay mad until someone begs our forgiveness. Fortunately most of my friends are tolerant of the mistakes I make and don’t hold my missteps against me, rather they offer help and understanding; at least they do most of the time. I suppose if I had to beg forgiveness for all my mistakes I never would have time to get into trouble. But I subscribe to the belief that it is the fun and adventurous people who make mistakes and it is only those who live in a shell that never do.

Someone once wrote:

“The four hardest tasks on earth are neither physical nor intellectual feats, but spiritual ones: To return love for hate; to include the excluded; to forgive without apology, and to be able to say ‘I was wrong.’” Boy is this on target or what? When I read it this morning I decided to improve the years I have left, so here goes:

• I will concentrate on love and abandon hate.
• I will see those I so easily overlook.
• I not only will forgive without requiring apology, I will put enough forgiveness in my memory bank to forgive everyone in advance.
• I will never try to justify myself when I know I am wrong, I’ll chalk up what ever I might have done to just being another of my mistakes. Anyway I have learned that going on the defensive and telling everyone your right when you’re not never gets you very far.

My deciding to forgive in advance might even lessen the burden of thinking I need to judge everyone else; I was never very good at it anyway. So, live and let live, just don’t hurt us in the process. If you decide to join with me we can use the time we free up attending forgiver’s socials.

~~~

Last Minute Gift Suggestions:

To your enemy, forgiveness.

To an opponent, tolerance.

To a friend, your heart.

To every child, a good example.

To all, charity.

To yourself, respect.

Oren Arnold

~~~

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"Sorry, we don’t need anyone…" the manager at the office replied.

"You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anything, anytime!"

"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."

He was gone about two hours and when he returned, he handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

"How in the world did you do that?" the manager asked.

"I told you, I’m the world’s best salesman, I can sell anyone, anything, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked him.

"What’s that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone about eight hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks with two five-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He put the buckets down, reached in his shirt pocket, took out two bottles of urine, set them on the desk and said, "Here’s Mr. Jones’ and this one is Mrs. Johnson’s."

"That’s good," the manager said, "but what’s in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers’ convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

~~~

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

~~~

Two sons were left a large piece of property by their father. For months they fought over how the land should be divided. Finally, they brought their problem to their rabbi and asked him to solve it.

"Come back tomorrow," said the rabbi, "and we’ll talk."

The next day the sons returned and the rabbi gave them his solution.

"Toss a coin," he said to one of the brothers. "You call it, heads or tails," he said to the other. "The one who wins the toss, divides the land."

"That’s no solution," said one of the brothers. "We’re right back where we started from."

"Not so," said the rabbi. "The one who wins the toss divides the land; but the other gets first choice."

~~~

You can’t be afraid of stepping on toes if you want to go dancing.

Lewis Freedman

~~~

There are three reasons for being a conservationist.

You will help prevent the destruction of the world as you know it.

You will save hundreds of endangered species from extermination. 

And

You will finally have a reason NOT to buy your wife a fur coat.

~~~

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

~~~

Three blondes went to Heaven on the same day and showed up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked them over and said, "Well, before you can enter the gates, you have to answer one simple question to show you know something about why you’re here."

The first blonde stepped up to the gates and St. Peter said, "Now, explain to me, what is Easter"?

The woman replied, "Oh, that’s easy. That’s the holiday in November when everybody gets together to give thanks and eats turkey and…"

"Wrong," replied St. Peter, "You’ll have to wait."

He turned to the second blonde and said, "What is Easter"?

The second blonde replied, "I know, Easter is about Jesus. In December, when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents and celebrate His birthday."

St. Peter shook his head in disgust at the second woman and sighed. He turned to the third blonde and said, "You look a little smarter than the other two. Now, what is Easter"?

The third blonde smiled and said, "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that takes place in the Spring. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and He was deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. Then the Romans took Him to be crucified and stabbed Him in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and crucified Him. He died and was buried in a cave sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiled and nodded.

The blonde continued, "And every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and if He sees His shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

St. Peter fainted.

~~~

“The truest joys they seldom prove,

Who free from quarrels live;

‘Tis the most tender part of love,

Each other to forgive”

John Sheffield

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.