Ray's musings and humor

Archive for December, 2006

4…3…2…1

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Mark Twain

 

 

We had a great Christmas and I hope you did as well. I had put on my Christmas list that I would really like something I really wanted but did not know what it was and you know what? I got a few, I don’t know if it is because others in my family are psychic, they’ve known me long enough to understand me, or it is just that I like everything, probably a little of each. All and all another great Christmas that caps a generally good year.

 

So now we begin the pre-New Years packing ritual a time when we pack more than we should and forget things we need. Fortunately we have been doing that most of our lives so we don’t have to worry about it being a symptom of aging. So my dear friends, as each of you is celebrating the New Year we will be at sea wishing we had remembered something we should have brought and remember all the things that have made our lives what they are.

 

I am not sure when the daily will have to shut down but I know it will be no later than this Friday. While I am gone I would appreciate your keeping the peace, smiling often, having some fun, and being there when we return.

 

We will be traveling with a couple of dear old friends and that is always good and if this cruise is like all our others we will be starting a few new friendships as well. Of course I will miss all of you, but honestly not too much. I will set aside a little time each day in the casino, while on shore, or at a meal to enjoy myself in your name, see I do care. Be good if you can, if you can’t at least get pleasure from what ever it is and try to make sure no one sees you.

~~~

The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.

~~~

These are from an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?" –Age 15

"It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen’s. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends." -Age 8

"I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween." -Age 13

~~~

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

~~~

Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:

~ Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so."

~ To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.

~ Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.

~ Look out your window often. If you see a large, zigzag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.

~ For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out-of-control fires that consumed most of the city.

~ A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep, and work in doorways.

~ Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.

~~~

A vacation is what you take when you no longer can take what you have been taking.

Earl Wilson

~~~

The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got.  He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line.  "A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits," he told them.

After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served. A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn’t like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.

The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you’re gonna eat ?" he asked.  The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don’t look too appetizing."

The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"  The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."

The kid said, "Yeah, man, I’d appreciate it."

The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.

~~~

A crisis is when you can’t say "Lets forget the whole thing". 

~~~

Since I won’t be with you for New Years I thought you might benefit from the following advice.

If you are sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

  • I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
  • Stop exercising. Waste of time.
  • Read less.
  • Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
  • Procrastinate more.
  • Drink. Drink some more.
  • Take up a new habit: smoking.
  • Spend more time at work.
  • Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
  • Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
  • Start being superstitious.

~~~

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to."

Rita Rudner

~~~

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one.  Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you’re a man, that’s interesting.  I’m a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars!  There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.  This must be a sign that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely.  This must be a sign!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here’s another miracle.  My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.  The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren’t you having any?"

The woman replies, "No.  I think I’ll just wait for the police."

~~~

“I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it, but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor”

Oliver Wendell Holmes

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Advertisements

Let it start with us!

Christmas is not a time or a season but a state of mind.

To cherish peace and good will, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.

Calvin Coolidge

 

 

Chanukah ends today and Christmas is but a few days away. In my family nothing brings us closer together than Christmas. Ours began last weekend when there was a gift exchange between the children who will not be together on Christmas Day. We now are getting ready for our annual joint Christmas-eve dinner with dear friends who have been like family for more than thirty years. These days there are three generations in attendance as well as extended family members, the group has gotten pretty large but for some, especially the younger generations it is the one time of year that we all get a chance to catch up. Christmas morning we will attend a mass where my 11 year old grand daughter will be one of the servers. Later in the day we will gather at my sons for excessive gift giving, I say that but in reality I like the opportunity that we all have to bring pleasure to each other, especially the kids.

 

Yes, our Christmas is probably too materialistic, and yes we probably are not as reverent as we might be, but Christmas does live in all of us. The day will be filled with warmth and friendship, a spirit that I would like to see all year. Maybe we would do well to make sure we bank the feelings of the day and use them to make our next Christmas all of 2007 by holding on to the goodwill that we have on Christmas day.

 

Whatever your religion or beliefs I want to you to know I wish you happiness and joy not only during the yuletide but for the weeks, months, and years ahead. Let us not wait for the world to bring us peace and happiness, let us all join up as missionaries and bring it to others, and through them to the world. Let it begin with you and me and at least we and others like us will rest every night knowing we did what we could to keep the spark of goodwill towards man alive for another day, another of our private Christmas days.

~~~

Christmas, my child, is love in action.

Every time we love, every time we give, it’s Christmas.

Dale Evans Rogers

~~~

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They’re bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They’re Carol’s."

~~~

He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.

Roy L. Smith

~~~

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

~~~

Christmas is a holiday that we celebrate not as individuals nor as a nation, but as a human family.

Ronald Reagan

~~~

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn’t you get my E-mail?"

~~~

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed   great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.  Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said

"See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from afar.’"

~~~

Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.

Washington Irving

~~~

Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and   Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and .   . .

PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why

DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,   Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle   Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,   Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,       …….. (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. 

~~~

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.

Norman Vincent Peale

~~~

The Santa Claus at the mall was more than a trifle surprised when a beautiful young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap but Santa quickly recovered, and started talking to the college-type

"And what do you want for Christmas?" asked Santa.

"Something for my mother,” said the young lady.

"Bring for your mother? Well, that’s what I call thoughtful,” smiled Santa. "What can I get her?"

After thinking for a moment, the girl brightened, turned to Santa and said: "I’d like for her to get a son-in-law "

~~~

I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day.

We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year.

David Grayson

~~~

NOTE!!

The daily will be celebrating the holidays and the presses will be closed for a few days, we may start them for a day or two next week. After that they definitely will be shut down until January 8th or so. The publisher and his wife are reestablishing an old family tradition, New Year’s at sea. While we will probably not see any snow in the tropics I think we will be able to suffer through it.

 

Merry Christmas,

Happy New Year

&

Love to all,

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

A toast!

I’ve had the same, full-time assistant and typist for eight or nine years now. She’s read everything I’ve written, she types everything and does a good job, translates it and makes comments.

Kevin J. Anderson

 

 

I have noticed as time has gone by just how important anyone is who has assistant attached to their title, you know, they are the assistant waiters, assistant managers, assistant-to-the-presidents, teacher assistants, doctor’s assistants, and the hundreds of other kinds of assistants out there. They are everywhere and thank god that they are for it is they who do much of the good work that benefits us all. As an example, I cruise often and will again next week and if you have cruised you know it is the assistant-waiter that gives you personal service, has your favorite drink ready before you sit down and is always ready to do whatever needs to be done. I could give hundreds of other stories about these good people, the assistants but since I know each of you can find your own example I won’t. Sadly, as often as not the assistant is still the assistant because she or he is too valuable to promote to something else of course some just love their jobs for they get to do something important.

 

Over the years I have had many so called assistants but they were so much more than that. They have been my friends, colleagues, partnesr, and also sometimes a few were surrogate mothers making sure that I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to do, at the time I was supposed to be there. These special people were as responsible for any contributions I made as I was. Some have remained friends for decades and I love them all, yes, even the guys.

 

If the truth be known many of the assistants don’t even have the title of assistant, they just stay behind the scenes and do the work. I’ll let you in on a secret, go back there and spend some time with them, they are a lot more fun, appreciate you more, and are a lot less stuffy than most of the people they assist.

 

So join me as I raise a New Year’s glass and toast the assistants of the world for it is they who make it work. And next time you get a chance thank them for what they do since sadly far too many of us never pay any attention to them +and are too quick to thank someone else for the results of their work.

~~~

“The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker.”

Helen Keller

~~~

She said:

People don’t like to look dumpy in their own snapshots, which is why my husband, a professional photographer, gets a lot of requests asking him to retouch photos. You know, erase the crow’s-feet, lop off the love handles.

So I wasn’t surprised when one woman, pointing to a family portrait, asked him, "Can you take 30 pounds off me?" until she added, "And put it on my sister?"

~~~

Bill once told me that his marriage was secure. "My wife would never file for divorce from me. She’d never do anything to make me that happy!"

~~~

For new fathers, or anyone thinking about becoming a father, you must learn these WORDS OF WISDOM:

Don´t ask me, ask your mother.

Close the door. Were you raised in a barn?

Who said life was supposed to be fair.

This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.

You call that noise "music"?

No, we´re not there yet.

As long as you live under my roof, you´ll live by my rules.

Because I said so. That´s why.

Do what I say, not what I do.

So you think you´re smart, do you?

If I´ve told you once, I´ve told you a thousand times.

You want something to do? I´ll give you something to do.

I´m not just talking to hear my own voice!

What do you think I am, a bank?

I don´t care what other people are doing! I´m not everybody else´s father!

Enough is enough!

Don´t make me stop the car!

~~~

I’d like to go to an assertiveness training class.  First I need to check with my wife.

Adam Christing

~~~

Retirement Center Pickup Lines

"What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like…where exactly are we again?"

"Yes, I’m 92… but I have the body of a 78-year-old."

"Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire pools. Your blue hair, too."

"Hey babe, looking for a good time? How’s about coming home with me and…Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z."

~~~

"Sometimes it’s important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it’s essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow."

Douglas Pagels

~~~

In the Admitting office of our hospital, some patients were filling out forms, others were being interviewed and still others were being escorted to their rooms.

An elderly woman, obviously not sure of where she should be, hesitatingly entered my cubicle.  She had completed the admitting forms and, upon my request, handed me her insurance cards.  I typed the necessary information and then asked her the reason for her coming to the hospital.

"I’m here to just visit a friend," she said, "but all this has taken so long, I’m not sure I have the time now!"

~~~

The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.

~~~

The officer pulled me over for speeding.  I explained that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.

But rather than letting me off, he wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, "Congratulations.  The first year is paper, right?"

~~~

The only people to get even with are those who have helped you.

~~~

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was…surrounded by trees and bushes.

~~~

Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?

A. Because…. A lot of men are stupid, but very few are blind

~~~

May your walls know joy;

May every room hold laughter and every window open to great possibility.

Maryanne Radmacher-Hershey

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

I can hardly wait!

“Never let yesterday’s disappointments overshadow tomorrow’s dreams.”

 

 

Soon it will be over, 2006 will be gone forever. There is something really special about New Year’s Day for no matter our religion, culture, or nationality we all share the start of another year and a new beginning. 2006 was good for me, most years are, but I plan on an even better 2007 and I know it will be if I decide to make it so. I honestly believe you can too. Here are some tips I found, I don’t know who wrote it but I would like to have known whoever it was.

 

  • I will no longer worry about yesterday. It is in the past and the past will never change. Only I can change by choosing to do so.
  • I will no longer worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will always be there, waiting for me to make the most of it. But I cannot make the most of tomorrow without first making the most of today.
  • I will look in the mirror and I will see a person worthy of my respect and admiration. This capable person looking back at me is someone I enjoy spending time with and someone I would like to get to know better.
  • I will cherish each moment of my life. I value this gift bestowed upon me in this world and I will unselfishly share this gift with others. I will use this gift to enhance the lives of others.
  • I will take a moment to step off the beaten path and to revel in the mysteries I encounter. I will face challenges with courage and determination. I will overcome what barriers there may be which hinder my quest for growth and self-improvement.
  • I will take life one day at a time, one step at a time. Discouragement will not be allowed to taint my positive self-image, my desire to succeed or my capacity to love.
  • I walk with renewed faith in human kindness. Regardless of what has gone before, I believe there is hope for a brighter and better future.
  • I will open my mind and my heart. I will welcome new experiences. I will meet new people. I will not expect perfection from myself nor anyone else … perfection does not exist in an imperfect world. But I will applaud the attempt to overcome human foibles.
  • I am responsible for my own happiness and I will do things that make me happy. I will admire the beautiful wonders of nature, listen to my favorite music, pet a kitten or puppy, and soak in a bubble bath. Pleasure can be found in the most simple of gestures.
  • I will learn something new; I will try something different; I will savor all the various flavors life has to offer. I will change what I can and the rest I will let go. I will strive to become the best me I can possibly be.
  • I will live life this year in a way that I can look back on it fondly and without regrets and I WILL MAKE 2007 THE BEST YEAR EVER!

~~~

Ring out the old, ring in the new,

Ring, happy bells, across the snow:

The year is going, let him go;

Ring out the false, ring in the true.

Alfred, Lord Tennyson

~~~

An elderly lady on a cruise ship wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I’m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today."

The bartender says "Well, since it’s your birthday, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the lady to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."

The elderly matron says, "Why, thank you. Bartender, I would like a scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one as well."

The lady says, "Thank you.  Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water."

"Comin’ right up."  As he puts the drink down in front of her, he says, "Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The 80 year-old replies, "Sonny, when you’re my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

~~~

The word philanthropy has its roots in the Greek language meaning “love for mankind.” It was never meant to apply only to donors of thousands or millions of dollars.

Arthur C. Frantzreb

~~~

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I . . . I didn’t pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn’t," replied his wife, consolingly. "I did."

~~~

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

~~~

The obstetrician was used to seeing some unusual tattoos when he was working in labor and delivery.

One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," the doctor commented.

With a sad smile, she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."

~~~

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

And now, a joke for the psychics in the group…

  • .
  • .
  • .
  • .
  • .

Bet you loved that one, it is a favorite of mine.

~~~

Life is only as long as you live it.

~~~

There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890’s whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.

However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.

Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

~~~

Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.

~~~

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That’s easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, ‘Of course I will’".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was, ‘Of course I do.’"

~~~

For last year’s words belong to last year’s language

And next year’s words await another voice.

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

T.S. Eliot

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Good for her!

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin–real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.

Alfred D. Souza

 

 

I had breakfast today with a friend who is retiring next week. We had talked over the months about life after a full time job and the choices that people can or must make when they retire. In my friends case she was fortunate to have many options because of her wisdom and talent. One of her many talents is photography and retirement provides her the opportunity to turn professional and make some pretty good money. In her mind she has two choices, she can turn pro and take the pictures others tell her to take, or stay as she is and take the pictures she wants to take. She has chosen the latter. All I can say is great! Just think what it will be like when she gets to see all that is around her as she looks for the next shot. There is discovery around every corner, things that will trigger a new thought, a new feeling, and even an occasional new path.

 

As I have thought more about her plan I realized that those same doors are there for us all, all we have to do is choose and then walk through. We can try to be what others think we should be, where we only see what is there and never see what is around the corner. We can take a job doing the same thing we always did or take one that lets us see what we have missed. We can choose to go to where retired people go and do the same thing most everyday, with the same people while wondering if this is all there is. Or we can do things we never did before and go places to see what we missed in the past. The great thing is that we don’t have to lock ourselves in to one thing or the other. If doing one thing is no fun we won’t have to do it again, if it is us fun we can come back for more. And we can do things that mean something, both of ourselves and for others.

 

One of the ways to measure the quality of the rest of our lives is contained in this poem by Emily Dickenson.

If I can stop one Heart from breaking

I shall not live in vain

If I can ease one Life the Aching

Or cool one Pain

Or help one fainting Robin

Unto his Nest again

I shall not live in Vain.

~~~

My friend Carolyn sent this to me, it was too good not to pass on to you.

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

Here are last year’s winners…..

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole i n it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 PM instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

~~~

The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I couldn’t care less…

~~~

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a ‘Lord Nelson.’ The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.  

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told: "Doctor, I’ve been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson."  

"That’s wonderful," said the doctor.  

"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I’m Lady Nelson."  

~~~

True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.

Charles Caleb Colton

~~~

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry, because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet"?

~~~

There is only one success–to be able to spend your life in your own way.

Christopher Morley

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Goodwill to all!

Christmas – that magic blanket that wraps itself about us, that something so intangible that it is like a fragrance.  It may weave a spell of nostalgia.  Christmas may be a day of feasting, or of prayer, but always it will be a day of remembrance – a day in which we think of everything we have ever loved.

Augusta E. Rundel

 

 

 

I am still swamped. I would be lying if I told it was all for the good of the cause. Parties, a great show at the Symphony, and more have stolen productive time. I did work a Radiothon for the Salvation Army, but that was only for six hours or so. So no matter the reason why I am so far behind, you must suffer with another blast from the past issue.

 

December 18, 2002

About this time every year I remember friends from day’s gone by. They are fond memories, but so many are fixed in time and place. When I do my daily I feel connected to even those I have not seen for more than 25 years. To me it is like looking over a landscape and seeing friends as far as you can see, those nearby are closer in age and we share contemporary events. Those at a distance are often much younger and in a setting from the distant past. There are even some of you I have never met, others only briefly, and so many more of you who are framed in fond memories. I know I have certainly changed over the years, I think I finally got out of puberty when I became 55 and have been maturing ever since. I am sure others have changed as well.

You know what I would like for Christmas? I would like to hear from you. How are you doing? What is going on in your life? What gives you pleasure? You know what I mean, a chance to up date the landscape. So please take a minute or two to at least say hello.

 

December 18, 2003

We are one week away from Christmas today. My grandchildren, like so many other kids have begun the pre-Christmas countdown. It is a time filled with school and church pageants, and a time filled with anticipation and excitement. To some extent I think we adults have overdone it. In days gone by our Christmases were filled with good fellowship, good food, and family get-togethers. We did not have a lot of presents, but what we did have were special and lasted throughout our youth. Today it seems that is quantity as well as quality that count. Children, like us, are caught up in a whirlwind of technology and the need to have the latest. Computer games become obsolete almost at the point of purchase, there will be a new super special game platform out soon, that will render the one they have now out of fashion and no fun anymore. You can’t play without the right shoes, go out without the right jacket, and so on. I begrudge them nothing, for it is we adults who are responsible. We demonstrate the same behavior, be it the car we buy, our latest computer upgrade, a dinner at prestige restaurant, the list goes on and on. Many of us with income, maybe a little wealth and lots of credit cards seem to think that score is kept. not by what we do, but by what we have. It is sad to me that so much of it is just our adult toys of the moment, soon to be tossed aside for the next thing. I often wonder if the nostalgia expressed by my generation is about the real things out of our past or out of our imagination, but no matter, in our minds life was a lot simpler, friends a lot closer, and our things more dear.

 

But that is enough of Christmas past. We all have much to be thankful for and much to celebrate. I know I am more fortunate than most, as the gifts I have been given are the things I have been allowed to do; a family that is near and dear; and a wide group of people like you, my friends and  acquaintances, and those of you that I know only through this daily. People come and go in our lives, but like the Christmas gifts we cherished as a child, they all live on in our memories. Happy Holidays.

~~~

May you look back on the past with as much pleasure as you look forward to the future.

Paul Dickson

~~~

A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions. "You witnessed the robbery, sir?"

"Yes" "What was stolen?"

"Two televisions"

"Did you see the thieves?"

"Yes" "

Could you identify them?"

"Yes"

"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?" At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.

~~~

Some can trace their family back 300 years, but can’t tell you where their children are tonight.

Lawrence Brotherton

~~~

The Hebrew school teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little David interrupted.

"My Mommy looked back once while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

~~~

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

William Allen White

~~~

More wisdom from the kids.

Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.

—Michael, Age 14

Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.

—Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.

—Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat.

—Laura, Age 13

~~~

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

~~~

The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you’re opposed to war?"

Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "Who’ll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"

A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.

"Johnny?" the teacher said.

"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate History!"

~~~

Never moon a werewolf.

~~~

The Rabbi’s wife called a psychiatrist and said, "My husband thinks he’s the new Moses." The doctor assured her that these delusions of grandeur were only a passing fancy.

"OK." she responded. "But in the meantime, how do I keep him from parting the waters in the hot-tub?"

~~~

We make ourselves rich by making our wants few.

Henry David Thoreau

~~~

A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.

Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

~~~

"At whatever stage you apologize to your wife, the answer is always the same — ‘it’s too late now’."

Denys Parsons

~~~

A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What’s the nation’s capital?"

The reply was, "Washington DC."

On being asked what the ‘DC’ stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"

~~~

We look forward to the time when the Power of Love will replace the Love of Power.

Then will our world know the blessings of peace.

William Ewart Gladstone

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Come on, be happy!

HAPPINESS IS…

taking in all the wonders of life —

its joys,

its sorrows,

its sunshine,

its smiles —

learning from the experiences each one brings you,

and then, from a caring heart,

giving them all away again.

Author Unknown

 

 

They say ‘tis the season to be jolly, so why not be happy, you can be you know. I think most of us are basically happy, that is until we talk ourselves into why we are not. If we spent more time appreciating what we have and less time wanting the things we don’t have we would have more time to see what we do have, family, friends, lovers, and those that smile at us who we often never see.

 

Stop and think about those around you, those who are so often taken for granted because they are always there. It might serve you well to see them as a stranger so that you can appreciate them for the gifts they give to you each day. I would gladly trade a shiny new sports car for what I get from others, for the greatest gift I ever got is the people that care for me, they are my happiness.

 

It seems to me happiness is ninety percent personal choice and only ten percent luck. Here are some investments you can make in your own happiness.

 

  • Compliment 3 people everyday!
  • Watch a sunrise
  • Be the first to say "hello"
  • Treat everyone as you want to be treated
  • Live beneath your means
  • Forget the Joneses
  • Never give up on anybody ~ miracles happen!
  • Remember someone’s name
  • Be kinder than you have to be
  • Wish not for things, but for wisdom and courage
  • Be tough-minded, but tender hearted
  • Don’t forget that a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated
  • Keep your promises
  • Leave everything better than you found it
  • Show cheerfulness even when you don’t feel it
  • Remember that winners do what losers don’t want to do
  • Remember that overnight success usually takes 15 years
  • When you arrive at your job in the morning, let the first thing you say brighten everyone’s day
  • Don’t rain on other people’s parades
  • Don’t waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them!

 

I don’t know who wrote this but I honestly believe that if we all did it every day we would not have to look for happiness, it would find us.

~~~

When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.

The Dalai Lama

~~~

A seven year old boy was at the center of Chicago courtroom drama this week when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.  

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.  

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents, and he adamantly refused to live with her.  

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.  

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Chicago Cubs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.  

~~~

Q.  What is worse than being a bachelor?

A.  Being a Bachelor’s son.

~~~

Top Ten Signs You’re Being Stalked by Martha Stewart

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they’re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. You find a lemon slice in the dog’s water bowl.

8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen licorice downspout and the half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace’, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.

4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you’ve been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.

AND THE NUMBER 1 Sign You’re Being Stalked by Martha Stewart…

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

~~~

People who live well are experts at giving. They give their money; they give their time. They share their wisdom and their skills. They quickly say yes when asked to help. For them…to give is to love and to love is to live. It’s a formula for a successful life.

Steve Goodier

~~~

Wendy was waiting her turn at the bakery, when she heard a prospective bride give the cake decorator a hard time as she previewed her wedding cake. She demanded many extras and was critical of the work he’d done so far. After she left, he muttered, "I’m glad I put my special golden award on this cake. That young woman is sure eligible for it."

Curious, Wendy studied the cake closely, but saw nothing.

Finally the decorator pointed to the tiny bridegroom atop the cake with his tiny bride and there it was. Barely visible was the "golden award", a tiny wedding ring, inserted in the groom’s nose.

~~~

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!

~~~

According to experts at the National Institute of Mental Health, depressed people die much sooner than everyone else. Well, that’s just what depressed people need to hear! That should cheer them up!

Jay Leno

~~~

The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend.

I have no wealth to bestow on him.

If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward.

Is not friendship divine in this?

Henry David Thoreau

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Tag Cloud