Ray's musings and humor

Happy New Year

Ray’s Daily

January 4, 2023

http://rays-daily.com

With my failing eyesight I am finding it too difficult to create a new Daily so I will send you reprints from the past 23 years when I can. Stay well and Happy New Year.

Ray

Ray’s Daily first published on January 4, 2005

So, how has 2005 been for you so far? I hope you remembered that there is plenty for us to do this month. After all It is:

  • Be On-Purpose Month. Since I will be cruising for part of the month I don’t think this one is possible.
  • Barbecue Month. Oh sure, now they tell me, the grill is outside bundled-up for the winter.
  • Date Your Mate Month. I assume this means my wife and not a buddy of mine.
  • National Retail Bakers Month. Here is another one; it is also National Prune the Fat Month, I wish they would make up their mind.
  • National Yours, Mine and Ours Month. OK you tell me, what is ours?
  • Prevention of Cruelty to Your Money Month. I promise you if you send me some I will treat it kindly.

If that was not enough it is also Get Out Your Boxer Shorts Day, National Trivia Day, and Short People Day. So, who was the midget in his underwear?

~~~

WARNING: Humor may be hazardous to your illness.

Ellie Katz

~~~

A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done – what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.

The teacher said very simply, “You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella.”

~~~

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

~~~

Dear Diary… For my birthday present this year, Phil (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team (let’s say over 30 years ago and leave it at that), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I’ll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Phil seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air –then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

Thursday:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the *@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@# Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year Phil (the Beast) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

~~~

Getting people to like you is the other side of liking them.

Norman Vincent Peale

~~~

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M., on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.

He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, “I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.”

The boss said, “And to roll down two flights of stairs took you an entire hour?”

~~~

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

~~~

A friend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, CA. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl:  athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my friend asked her if the roast beef was rare.

The waitress gave us a long blank look, and then replied, “Well, no.  We have it, like, just about every day.”

~~~

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it.  I said, ‘Thyroid problem?'”

~~~

A little boy took his dog on a “take your pet to school” day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks.

Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, “Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?”

The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent.

“Right!” exclaimed the boy.

His dog won first prize.

~~~

Don’t go for looks; they can deceive.

Don’t go for wealth; even that fades away.

Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

Find the one that makes your heart smile.

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

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