Ray's musings and humor

Finding Our Way

Ray’s Daily

September 26, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

conflict-resolution

I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power the greater it will be.

Thomas Jefferson

It is another one of those days. It is mid morning and my colander is overloaded so I need to send you another reprint.

 Ray’s Daily first published on September 26, 2006

 I wonder sometimes if we have become too dependent on the use of power believing that it is the solution to every problem. I sure hope not because history has proven that the misuse of power never works over the long haul. The bully, whether a person, organization, business, or even a country can expect that retaliation will come one day.

Sadly those who are power centered feel no need to search for alternative solutions to the problems they face. Unfortunately, when you shoot off your guns first and that doesn’t solve the problem there is not much left to do but raise the stakes which usually results in even more violent confrontations. In fact every time more pressure is applied the counter pressure grows and history has shown that there is no better way to unify an opponent than the use of force.

Sadly in this day and age it is the reaction to the use of force that is sometimes worse then the use itself. Who would of thought that a handful of terrorists could win so much by just one act. There action has triggered a war that has taken the lives of thousands and continues to do so. Everyday people have changed their behavior out of fear. Billions of dollars have been redirected away from human needs in an effort to protect ourselves from an invisible enemy and to fight what appears to be an unwinable war. I don’t have the answer but I am pretty sure further polarization of nations and cultures is not it.

The truly strong raise above the trap created by dependency on the use of power, in fact the wise retain power as deterrence and as a vehicle to bring both sides together. I wish someone with the power had the courage to say enough is enough and offer to search for more peaceful solutions. Unfortunately I doubt that will happen since everyone on all sides has decided that their advisories can never be trusted. I fear that the answers will never be found in our fighting each other but only by finding a way to search for answers together.

People don’t want to die! What has happened to humanity that we seem to have little interest in making all people safe so all could live? Maybe in the end it will turn out that the solution was up to all of us, including you and me.

~~~

“If each man or woman could understand that every other human life is as full of sorrows, or joys, or base temptations, of heartaches and of remorse as his own . . . how much kinder, how much gentler he would be.”

William Allen White

~~~

On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jewish man who was now a very militant atheist. But he sent his son Morris to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it was a great school and completely secular.

After a month, the boy came home and said casually, “By the way, Dad, I learned what Trinity means!  It means ‘The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.'”

The father could barely control his rage. He seized his son by the shoulders and declared, “Morris, I’m going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. Forget this Trinity business. There is only one God…  and we don’t believe in him!”

~~~

“Everything you can imagine is real.”

Pablo Picasso

~~~

IMPORTANCE OF PROOF READING

* IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words “state zip code” should have read “pull rip cord.”

* It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

* There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

* There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

* In the City Beat section of Friday’s paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is “Dewey.” Another firefighter is nicknamed “Weirdo.” We apologize for our mistake.

* Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

* In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

* Apology: I originally wrote, “Woodrow Wilson’s wife grazed sheep on the front lawn of the White House.” I’m sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word “sheep.”

* In one edition of today’s Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley’s Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

* The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

~~~

My Dad has a sure way to keep my Mom from buying an outfit… When she tries it on, he says, “I love that middle-aged look it gives you.”

~~~

A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door.

“Oh darling” he gushed, “Come here… let me look at you… let me hold you ! Let’s have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I’ve missed your lovin’ so much !”

The wife, keeping her distance, said, “All in good time lover. First, let’s hear you play that harmonica.”

~~~

Sometimes you have to take the leap, and build your wings on the way down.

Kobi Yamada

~~~

He said: At 5 P.M. one Halloween afternoon, my dental hygienist realized that she wouldn’t make it to the store in time to get snacks for trick-or-treaters. So she took home some free samples from the office supply cabinet. That night she handed out dozens of toothbrushes, toothpaste, and dental floss.

The next year, although she had bags of chips and popcorn, not one child came knocking at her door.

~~~

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

~~~

She said: One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse’s office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas.

“Why are you dressed like that?” I asked her.

“I told my son,” she explained, “that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I’ve come to spend the day with him!”

~~~

“Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children’s future. And we are all mortal.”

John Fitzgerald Kennedy

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

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Listen to Mark

Ray’s Daily

September 25, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

honesty

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

Mark Twain

Mark Twain was right, truth eliminates the risk of losing another’s trust if they learn you were not telling it. If you have noticed the truth tellers don’t waste a lot of time figuring out what to say next. Some folks may not want to hear the truth but integrity is a character builder that allows us to grow and earn the respect of others. And that is the truth.

Here is a story I always liked, I hope you will too.

The Dean Schooled Them

One night four college kids stayed out late, partying and having a good time. They paid no mind to the test they had scheduled for the next day and didn’t study. In the morning, they hatched a plan to get out of taking their test. They covered themselves with grease and dirt and went to the Dean’s office. Once there, they said they had been to a wedding the previous night and on the way back they got a flat tire and had to push the car back to campus.

The Dean listened to their tale of woe and thought. He offered them a retest three days later. They thanked him and accepted his offer.hat time.

When the test day arrived, they went to the Dean. The Dean put them all in separate rooms for the test. They were fine with this since they had all studied hard. Then they saw the test. It had 2 questions.

1) Your Name __________ (1 Points)

2) Which tire burst? __________ (99 Points)

Options – (a) Front Left (b) Front Right (c) Back Left (d) Back Right

The lesson: always be responsible and make wise decisions.

~~~

Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.

Albert Einstein

~~~

She said: Concerned about fitness in my 50’s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor…

“I’m here to do my postnatal exercises,” I told the instructor.

She gave me an appraising look. “How old is your baby?”

“Twenty-three,” I replied.

~~~

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Yogi Berra

~~~

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses – I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping. The receipt included $45 in makeup.

I said, “Wait a minute I’ve given up beer and you haven’t given up anything!”

She said, “I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you.”

I told her, “Hell, that’s what the beer was for!”

I don’t think she’ll be back.

~~~

He who cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself.

George Herbert

~~~

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. We used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso to allow for storage in a carrying case.

As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, “Are you all right?”

He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She said she can’t feel her legs!”

~~~

“Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers?

Men don’t like flowers. I’ve been wearing a great scent. It’s called New Car Interior.”

Rita Rudner

~~~

In days past, children were given names that sound strange to us today — Prudence, Charity, Faith, and so on. One boy was named Amazing, and he resented it all his life. People laughed at him because of it. He told his wife that, when the time came, he did not want his name on his tombstone. When he died, she followed his wishes and put on the tombstone, “Here lies a man who was faithful to his wife for 60 years.”

But even in death, he couldn’t escape the curse, because everyone that looked at his tombstone said, “Why, that’s Amazing!”

~~~

“Virtue is often the result of insufficient temptation.”

Cheers, George

~~~

I was flying between Maui and Oahu.  It’s only a 30 minute flight and so, to save money, I flew with a small airline in a little, twin-engine plane. About eight minutes into the flight the pilot announced that we were going to have to turn back due to some engine trouble.

The nervous passenger I was seated next to turned to me and said, “Oh-h-h m-m-my G-g-god.  If we l-l-loose an engine, how f-f-far d-d-do you think the other o-o-one will t-t-take us?”

I told him, “One engine?  Oh, I’m sure it’ll take us all the way to the scene of the crash.  Hell, we’ll probably make good time too.  I bet we beat the paramedics there by at least a half hour!”

~~~

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?” Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”

Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?” Soldier: “No, SIR!”

~~~

No legacy is so rich as honesty.

William Shakespeare

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

Integrity Pays

Ray’s Daily

September 22, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”

Spencer Johnson

integrety

It is another of those “Ray has more to do than time to do them all” days. So here is a Daily from yesteryear.

Ray’s Daily first published on September 22, 2008

If you are on my global affairs mailing list you know how much I have been disappointed by those who are so caught up in the current campaign that they have been overcome by often unreasoned emotion bordering on hate. If you are like I am you are inundated with messages from folks who spend all their time doing what they can to destroy what they are against and little time building up what they are for. Some denigrate one of the candidates who finished high in one of our foremost universities with honors as being elitist and others denigrate the other candidate for finishing at almost the bottom of his graduating class saying he is incapable of understanding complex issues. Neither of these slams tells the story. We ask our candidates to promise the world, even when most know that the promises cannot be kept, especially as our recent history is burdening us with a more than a ten trillion dollar deficit. I prefer to look at who they might bring into office with them. Our countries wisdom lies in our leader’s use of quality staff and advisors for as the past has shown that when big egos think they already know all the answers and have surrounded themselves with yes men we end up in real trouble. So please play fair, share the relevant facts and observations and let us make the best choices we can.

I wonder if my friends truly think it is worth it for them to sink to innuendo, rumor and falsehoods as they work to defeat the other guy. I wish every one would take a step back and look at themselves. If they do and find that they don’t like what they see I suggest they follow the advice that my friend Maureen offered me a few years back. She said if we follow her rules our lives will be better than we thought possible. Here is what she sent me:

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, “I love you,” mean it.

FIVE.  When you say, “I’m sorry,” look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams.  People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives

TWELVE.  Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say “bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

~~~

“Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.”

Clement Stone

~~~

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned. “What was your sin, my son?” asked the priest. “I stole some lumber, Father,” replied the man. “How much lumber did you steal?” asked the priest. “Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse.” The priest replied, “Well, that’s not so bad.” The man continued, “Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage.” “Well, now, that’s a little more serious.” “Father, there’s more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!”

With a pause, the priest finally spoke. “That is a little more serious.

I’m afraid you’ll have to make a novena.”

“Father, I’m not sure what a ‘novena’ is, but if you’ve got the blueprints, I’ve got the lumber!”

~~~

“Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?”

~~~

This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the suit.

“I’ve got grounds, all right,” sputtered the irate husband. “Can you believe my wife told me I’m a lousy lover?”

“That’s why you’re suing?” pursued his lawyer.

“Of course not. I’m suing because she knows the difference.”

~~~

Cherish all your happy moments; they make a fine cushion for old age.

Booth Tarkington

~~~

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense. After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, “What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?”

The student replied. “BIG ones.”

~~~

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet.

James Oppenheim

~~~

Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, “What kind of boy did your daughter marry?”

“Oh, he’s wonderful,” gushed the mother. “He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlor regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night.”

“That’s nice,” said the woman. “What about your son?”

“I’m not so happy about that,” the mother sighed. “His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlor, and makes them eat take-out meals!”

~~~

I NEED SOMEBODY BAD… ARE YOU BAD?

~~~

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eye glasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.

“What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way.”

~~~

“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.”

Mark Twain

~~~

The afternoon was drawing to a close, and the guests were getting ready to leave. “Mrs. Goldberg,” said one of the ladies, “I just wanted to tell you that your cookies were so delicious I ate four of them.”

“You ate five,” replied the hostess, “But who’s counting?”

~~~

The value of compassion cannot be over-emphasized. Anyone can criticize. It takes a true believer to be compassionate. No greater burden can be borne by an individual than to know no one cares or understands.

Arthur H. Stainback

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

You can do it too

Ray’s Daily

September 21, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

When the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”

Author Unknown

perserver

Yesterday I had breakfast with a friend who I truly respect. My friend is a highly regarded professional who helps folks age gracefully. She does her job like she does everything else, she does it with caring warmth.

Over the years I have learned that her life has been full of challenges, burdens that it would be difficult for most of us to bear. Somehow no matter how tough things have been she has persevered and done so without losing her confidence or hope. Like the legendary Molly Brown she just keeps going helping others while retaining her belief that our lives are often better than we think they are.

Recently I got an email from Angel Chernoff that reminded me of my friend and I want to share part of what Chernoff wrote with you today.

Here are 5 daily rituals for long-term happiness and success:

  1. Exercise your integrity. – Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you are capable of.  Communicating clearly and asking for what you want and need from people.  Speaking your truth, even when others judge you for it.  Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your morals and values.  Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.  And, of course, always doing the right thing, even when it’s hard, and even when nobody’s going to know whether you did it or not.
  2. Watch your self-talk. – Mental strength is incredibly important. Take care of your mind and the way you speak to yourself.  Don’t let negative self-talk weaken you. 
  3. Simplify whatever you can, whenever you can. Simplifying is not seeing how little you can get by with – that’s deprivation – but how efficiently you can put first things first, and use your time accordingly to pursue the things that make a lasting difference in your life. Less really is more. 
  4. Give yourself credit. – It’s funny how we outgrow what we once thought we couldn’t live without, and then we fall in love with what we didn’t even know we wanted. Eventually you’ll end up where you need to be, doing the right things, alongside the right people.  Patience and persistence are the key.  But don’t forget to pause once a day and appreciate how far you’ve come too.
  5. Embrace your humanness. – “Human” is the only real label we are born with. Yet we forget so easily.  To become attached to an opinionated label of depressed, divorced, diseased, rejected, or poor, is to be like the rain, that doesn’t know it is also the clouds… or the ice, that forgets it is water.  For we are far more than the shape we’re currently in.  And we, like the wind, water, and sky, will change forms many times in our lives, while forever remaining beautifully human.

~~~

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

Japanese Proverb

~~~

Dog Truths

LEASH:  A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their persons want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection,  given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.

~~~

She said: A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. And a woman’s gotta do what he can’t.

~~~

“This house,” said the real estate salesman, “has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about both.   The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north.”

“What are the advantages?” inquired the prospective buyer.

“The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”

~~~

Some people just don’t know how to drive…I call these people “Everybody But Me.”

~~~

Boss: (to employee) – Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, so Knock, Knock.

Employee: Who’s there?

Boss: Not you anymore.

~~~

“In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.”

George Orwell

~~~

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

“Keep it,” the cop said, “when you collect four of them you get a bicycle.”

~~~

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.

G.B. Shaw

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

Life can be tough

Ray’s Daily

September 20, 2017

“But what is the use of preaching the Gospel to men whose whole attention is concentrated upon a mad, desperate struggle to keep themselves alive?”

William Booth

empathy-1

I have an early breakfast appointment this morning, it will be the first time in a couple of months that my wife will be in the house alone for an hour or so. I did not get a new Daily written so we will again send you a reprint.

Ray’s Daily first published on September 20, 2006

I worry sometimes that we who have so much find it too easy to judge those that don’t. If I was in an area where I did not have warmth, faced danger on every street corner, had no income, and was hungry most of the time I doubt that I would worry too much about politics. I think that too often the powerful do not hear the voices of the powerless and then they don’t understand when the powerless either give up and die or fight back. I have no answers but I do think that the basic needs of life always come first. I felt the same way a few years ago when I wrote:

You guys know how I feel about most things. Generally I am an optimist and believe that we have the capacity within ourselves to brighten our lives. I do wonder sometimes though if I would feel the same way if I did not have a comfortable situation that meets all my basic needs. I am sure many of you remember Maslowe’s Hierarchy of Needs; in effect he said that food, shelter, etc. are needs that must be met before we can even think about our other options. I am sure you are like I am and are glad that we do have more than the basic comforts. It is however important that we have empathy for others and count our blessings. This is not to say that we don’t have our own problems, the difference between us and those who have no food, no shelter, no life is that we can do something.

~~~

“A hungry people listens not to reason, nor cares for justice, nor is bent by any prayers”

Seneca

~~~

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”

“Sure it will.” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

~~~

“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is.  I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.”

Emo Philips

~~~

Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions. I loved this game and still do. Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.

For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate…why am I still driving around in a thimble?

~~~

“On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time.”

George Orwell

~~~

Several years ago we had an intern who was not too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do”?

“Just use copier paper,” she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

~~~

Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.

Thomas Edison

~~~

A customer at Blockbuster had mentioned that before the movie begins, a message comes on the screen saying, “This movie has been altered to fit your television screen.” He then added, “How do they know what size screen I have”?

~~~

“The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky”

Solomon Short

~~~

New Words for These Times

Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.

Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.

Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.

Dadicated: being the best father you can be.

Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time in the hopes you’ll have something to read or write and not have to do any work.

Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.

Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.

Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time. ( Do you still say God Bless You )

Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.

Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer exists.

Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.

Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.

Mandals: sandals for men.

~~~

“Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories – those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.”

Russell Baker

~~~

In Washington State, a little north of Seattle, is a river called the Stillaguamish, but it wasn’t always called that. It was originally named “Aguamish” after a local Indian tribe.

When Lewis & Clark finally made their way to the west coast they came to the Aguamish tribe and met the chief who told them what the name of the river was and gave them a tour of the area.

Years later Merriweather Lewis returned and met the Aguamish chief again and the subject finally came around to the river:

“Chief, I’ve been told that, because of so many white men have arrived in the area, many of the rivers are being renamed because they couldn’t pronounce the names.  Tell me, what is the name of your river now, please, ” Lewis pleaded.

“Oh,” replied the chief.  “It’s Stillaguamish.”

~~~

If you want to keep on getting what you’re getting, keep on doing what you’re doing.

~~~

He said: My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home repair project.

For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn’t surprised the day my other sister, Pam, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.

“I can’t get this thing to cooperate,” she explained when she saw us.

Pam suggested, “Why don’t you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?”

~~~

“It is hard work to be good when you are very little and very hungry, and have many sticks to beat you, and no mother’s lips to kiss you”

Marie Louise De La Ramee

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

Honor the bridge builders

Ray’s Daily

September 19, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.

Wilson Mizner

stock-vector-small-wooden-bridge-vector-illustration-75853696

 

As we get older many of us look back on our lives and review the past. If you are like I am you will remember many good things, some not so good things and happenings that you now regret. My regrets are mainly of the opportunities I missed by not stopping to spend time with people I know I would have liked, even worse were when I let minor animosity excuse me from rebuilding a relationship.

Here is the story about a fellow who I could have used a few times in the past, if he had been around my life would have been enriched by folks I now miss.

BUILDING BRIDGES

Once upon a time two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch. Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.

One morning there was a knock on John’s door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter’s toolbox. “I’m looking for a few days work,” he said. “Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there. Could I help you?”

“Yes,” said the older brother. “I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That’s my neighbor, in fact, it’s my younger brother. Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I’ll go him one better. See that pile of lumber curing by the barn? I want you to build me a fence – an 8-foot fence – so I won’t need to see his place anymore. Cool him down, anyhow.”

The carpenter said, “I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I’ll be able to do a job that pleases you.”

The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing. About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer’s eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped.

There was no fence there at all. It was a bridge… a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work handrails and all – and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.

“You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I’ve said and done.” The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other’s hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder. “No, wait! Stay a few days. I’ve a lot of other projects for you,” said the older brother.

“I’d love to stay on,” the carpenter said, “but, I have many more bridges to build.”

~~~

“Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”

Abraham Lincoln

~~~

Did you know that:

Karaoke is a Japanese word meaning “tone deaf”.

Sleep is that fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.

A cynic is someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.

The answer is what everybody is still looking for.

~~~

I’m not aging, I just need re-potting.

~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him three times what was wrong.  Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

~~~

Lord, if I can’t be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

~~~

You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?” asked the judge.

“Yes,” answered the suspect.

“And what did you steal?”

“A dress, Your Honor,” replied the subject.

“One dress?” echoed the judge. “But you admit breaking in four times!”

“Yes, Your Honor,” sighed the suspect. “But three times my wife didn’t like the color.”

~~~

“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.”

John Barrymore

~~~

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there and found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. On the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.

Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, “What are those drums?” The guide turned to him and said, “Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop.” Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks.

Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide, “The drums have stopped, what happens now?”

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, “bass solo.”

~~~

“Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.”

~~~

After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”

~~~

I’m taking Lamaze classes. I’m not having a baby, I’m just having trouble breathing.

Steven Wright

~~~

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. “Is anyone interested in a little wager?” he said, flashing some large bills around. “I’ve got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards …right down the middle…every time!”

Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, “I gotta see this!” he said. “You know, what? I’ll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee.”

When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest.

Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green -6 inches from the cup.

The pro was astonished. “That’s incredible!” he exclaimed. “How did you train him to hit the ball like that! There’s no need for me to tee off. I couldn’t beat him with a stick. Here’s your money.”

As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said “Oh, by the way, how does he putt?”

The trainer responded, “Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time.”

~~~

“Friends are the family you choose”

Jess C. Scott

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

Stay Up

Ray’s Daily

September 18, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

“Don’t let your struggles become your identity.”

stay positive

Over the last couple of months as my wife struggled to regain her health my life took a radical change of direction. All my time has been pretty much dedicated to what I needed to do to keep my house in decent order. meet mandatory obligations and spending time at my wife’s bedside. For the first time in our lives I had no meetings, no classes and only limited contacts with friends and I found I had to work to keep from slipping into gloom.

If I had succumbed to despair I would have been a detriment to her recovery. While I never was a bundle of joy during her illness I was able to stay relatively positive. I recently read an article written by Garret Kramer that offered tips on how we can keep from misery, here are a few of his suggestions.

Things to remember when your state of mind is low

     When you feel low, these reminders will help you get back on the road to the clarity and consciousness that you’re looking for.

Stillpower is always better than willpower.

     From a clear mind-set, we see that life is leading us in a productive direction — no matter what obstacles cross our path. From a cluttered mind-set, we feel the urge to will ourselves through the same obstacles. Don’t forget, if you act from a low state of mind, you are giving wayward thoughts the attention and belief they need to grow. When you don’t tend to your lows they wither away on their own.

You must stay in the game.

     The human mind is designed to regulate to clarity; to freedom. But only if you stay in the game. If you stop living your life to address negative feelings and moods, you are addressing — and fortifying — problems that don’t really exist.

The potential always exists to see life differently.

     No matter how bad life appears, your “issues” will soon look different from a different level of consciousness. Remember, your state of mind is always in flux. It’s a given that, left alone, your feelings and perceptions will improve.

Even when it’s dark the sun is still shining.

     In ancient times, people became extremely distraught when nighttime fell. They had no proof that the sun would rise again, so they looked for all sorts of strategies and tricks to help them manage their fear of darkness. Then, an insightful astronomer named Copernicus came along and proved that the sun, not the earth, was the center of the universe — it was a sure thing that the sun would appear every morning. Hence, knowing how the system worked paved the way for contentment and success.

~~~

“The only thing that stands between a man and what he wants from life is often merely the will to try it and the faith to believe that it is possible. ”

Richard M. DeVos

~~~

She said: I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly-assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter that escorts all cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California’s Bay Area.

But what my father told his friend was, “She’s involved in some sort of escort service.”

~~~

Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect. It means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections.

~~~

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes.”

~~~

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall but winter didn’t look too promising.

~~~

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. “I’ll admit I’m wrong,” the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, “if you’ll admit I’m right.”

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

“I’m wrong,” she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, “You’re right!”

~~~

Death is more universal than life. Everyone dies, but not everyone lives.

Unknown

~~~

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies, “Son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds. He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl, “Do you like potato pancakes?”

She says, “No.” And the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.

He asks, “Do you have a brother?”

Again, the girl says, “No.” And there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl, “If you had a brother, do you think he would he like potato pancakes?”

~~~

“Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.”

William Jennings Bryan

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

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