Ray's Daily

I hope you love change as much as I do

“We have a world to conquer…one person at a time…starting with ourselves.”

Nikki Giovanni

A friend told me the other day that she felt that Ray’s Daily has helped her and others change something in their lives for the better. I do not profess to have any magical skill that results in folks making their life a little bit better because of something I have done. What I am grateful for is that the Daily provides me the reason to think about my own world, my needs, my weaknesses and best of all discovering those things that give me so much pleasure resulting in my finding something to share with you that may have meaning.

For some I wish I could work magic or do more but just visiting with them via the Daily is rewarding to me in itself. I have some readers that only read the top half for to learn what I have discovered while others only read the bottom half which they say brighten their day. I even have a few readers who have saved every Daily for years and revisit the ones that they enjoyed the most whenever the need arises. A favorite friend who has responsibility for a major global public health effort and who is too busy read the Daily most days saves them all and then when things get her down she will pull up one or two which she said gets her going again.

But enough of that, the key thing for me was that my friend said the Daily can help us change lives. As I thought about it I realized just how right she was, we have the opportunity to enrich our lives everyday if only we are willing to change when opportunities present themselves. I don’t necessarily mean big things, in fact in my case it is often just me getting out of the rut that comes from too much routine. I honestly believe that the changes that age, career moves, changing cultures and children leaving the nest are what make life interesting. It is those who resist change and try to hold on to the past that are doomed to disappointment and unhappiness.

History marches on and we write our own everyday. We can’t change the past, we can however choose to enjoy the present and ride into the future with and open mind and a willingness to change and make adjustments that will allow us to enjoy what’s out there.

~~~

When you are through changing, you are through.

Bruce Barton

~~~

Itzic is dying in hospital. He asks for the Greek Orthodox priest to be called so that he can dictate his last will and testament.

The priest arrives and Itzic starts to dictate. “One third of my wealth is to go to the Jewish school for girls. A second third is for the Jewish school for boys.

The priest writes as asked.

“The last third I leave to the Rabbi to build a library,” Itzic continues.

The priest writes then asks, “As you are leaving your entire wealth to The Jewish community, why did you call me and not the Rabbi?”

“Are you crazy?!” screams Itzic. “The Rabbi in the contagious diseases ward?”

~~~

It isn’t difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill – just add a little dirt.

~~~

WE MUST STOP THIS SINISTER PLOT!

Have you ever noticed that as the years go by, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper, groceries are heavier, and everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was horrified to discover how long our street had become! I never noticed when I was younger that it’s been changing!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also have a feeling that these people are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, something has been making people who used to be my own age so much older than I am.

I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection…. and I noticed that even mirrors were not made the way they used to be!

Clothing manufacturers are part of the conspiracy too! Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You’re risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

The people who make bathroom scales are in on it as well. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial? Hah! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they’re fooling?

I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on — but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon *everyone* will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

~~~

“The best way to get people to think out of the box is not to create the box in the first place.”

Martin Cooper

~~~

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Johnny, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Johnny burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

~~~

A woman always remembers where and when she got married; a man sometimes forgets why.

~~~

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

~~~

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”

The woman says….. “I’ll miss you.”

~~~

Life is its own journey, presupposes its own change and movement, and one tries to arrest them at one’s eternal peril.

Laurens van der Post

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Let’s do it, only for today.

Do not regret growing older.  It is a privilege denied to many.

Author Unknown

In a couple of days I will have completed three quarters of a century of life. I am at the age where my contemporaries really get interesting. Some get more set in their ways while others start to lose their way. If you overhear our conversations you might find as much discussion about aches and pains, medications and off the wall opinion as anything else.

Unfortunately there are some who focus more on their infirmities and fear of the future than they do on today and all it has to offer. The other day a friend told me she reads about so many whose lives have ended at an age younger than she is that she sometimes worries that she will become a burden on others. I shared with her that I might end up a burden but I hoped I would not but I will not worry about whatever destiny may have in store for there is too much to do and too much fun to be had each day to worry about things I can’t control.

Today an old friend e-mailed me that he was now 78 years old and that he has lots of years left before he reaches his target age of 104. I think he has the right idea.

Everyday is a new day where we are given the opportunity to live it to its fullest, but that will only happen if we free ourselves from worry and make the best of what we have and hopefully even have some fun.

Years ago Pope John XXIII suggested how we could live a better life, day to day, here is what he wrote:

1. Only for today, I will seek to live the livelong day positively without wishing to solve the problems of my life all at once.

2. Only for today, I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice; I will be courteous in my behavior; I will not criticize anyone; I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone except myself.

3. Only for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one.

4. Only for today, I will adapt to circumstances, without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes.

5. Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul.

6. Only for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it.

7. Only for today, I will do at least one thing I do not like doing; and if my feelings are hurt, I will make sure that no one notices.

8. Only for today, I will make a plan for myself: I may not follow it to the letter, but I will make it. And I will be on guard against two evils: hastiness and indecision.

9. Only for today, I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world.

10. Only for today, I will have no fears. In particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness. Indeed, for 12 hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all my life.

So my friends how about joining with me only for today, and lets you and me make today all it can be. And you know what? tomorrow is another day that we can live to the fullest. In fact I am confident if we start to string each of these good days together we will find the best years of our lives are still ahead of us.

~~~

You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair.

Douglas MacArthur

~~~

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

~~~

The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators.

Edward Gibbon

~~~

A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole son?”

The young man says, “An eight iron, father. How about you?”

The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.”

~~~

If nobody measures up, check your yardstick.

~~~

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

~~~

I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.

~~~

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, “When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it’s all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”

“Why complain?” said the counselor, “You’re still getting the same service.”

~~~

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

~~~

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, “Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.”

“Good,” my dad quickly replied. “Wash it again!”

~~~

The key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible.

Judith Regan

~~~

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn’t mind letting her boyfriend know it, too.

“A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry,” she told him.

“Really?” asked the boyfriend, “And just how many men are you intending to marry?”

~~~

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Chili Davis

~~~

A man goes into a cinema with his dog to watch a film. It’s a romantic comedy and when there’s a funny scene the dog starts laughing. A little later on there’s a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying.

This goes on throughout the entire film, laughing and crying at all the right places. A man sitting a few rows back has witnessed the entire thing and decides to follow the man out.

In the foyer, he approaches the dog owner and says, “That’s truly amazing!”

“It certainly is” The dog owner replied, “He hated the book!”

~~~

Father Time is not always a hard parent, and, though he tarries for none of his children, often lays his hand lightly upon those who have used him well; making them old men and women inexorably enough, but leaving their hearts and spirits young and in full vigor.  With such people the grey head is but the impression of the old fellow’s hand in giving them his blessing, and every wrinkle but a notch in the quiet calendar of a well-spent life.

Charles Dickens

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Did you see what I saw?

Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful,

for beauty is God’s handwriting.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 I have a full agenda today a couple meetings and an NGO board luncheon. So here we go again another Daily from years past. It is hard to believe but this is now Ray’s Daily’s eleventh year.

By the way welcome you new subscribers and to those who have been around for awhile and who have written recently that you enjoy the Daily, thanks!

Ray’s Daily first published on January 27, 2004

I have an architect friend who not only designs excellent buildings and complexes, but who is also well known for his restoration of aging monuments, buildings, and those things that are part of our heritage. Years ago he showed, me and a few others, slides of what we missed as we walked between meetings in Downtown Indianapolis. He asked us to take a moment and look around once in awhile. His advice had amazing results, now when I am there I see beautiful things I never saw before. It may be the cornice of a building, a garden, or a small sculpture, things that are there all the time for us to enjoy, but only if we look. I think it is the same with the things around us in our lives, often we ignore so much that is worthwhile just because we don’t pause long enough to see them.

Recently someone sent me the following list of things that have the ability to give us pleasure, but only if we let them.

    a.. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

    b.. A hot shower.

    c.. A special glance.

    d.. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

    e.. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

    f.. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

    g.. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

    h.. A good conversation.

    i.. The beach

    j.. Laughing at yourself.

    k.. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

    l.. Friends.

    m.. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

    n.. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

    o.. Playing with a new puppy.

    p.. Road trips with friends.

    q.. Making eye contact with a stranger.

    r.. Holding hands with someone you care about.

    s.. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.

    t.. Watching the sunrise.

    u.. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.

    v.. Getting a hug from someone.

    w.. Knowing you’ve done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

~~~

You will never find time for anything. If you want time, you must make it.

Charles Bixton

~~~

A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings, when he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove. At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to descend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed: “Come down, Holy Spirit!” Still no sign of the dove.

The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters:

“Sir, a yellow cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the yellow cat?”

~~~

What we see depends on mainly what we look for.

~~~

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided that he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. It turns out that his next-door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, “Chicken farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I’ll give you 100 chickens.”

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later, the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, “Not too good. All 100 chickens died.”

The neighbor said, “Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. I’ll give you 100 more.”

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stopped in again. The new farmer said, “You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.”

Astounded, the neighbor asked, “What did you do to them? What went wrong?” “Well,” said the new farmer, “I’m not sure. But I think I’m not planting them far enough apart.”

~~~

All general statements are false, except this one.

~~~

Scott and Glenn were walking down the street, when Glenn turned to Scott and said, “Scott, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all that, would you give me one?”

Scott replied, “Glenn, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, yeah, I would give one to you.”

They continued walking. After a couple of minutes, Scott turns to Glenn and asked, “Glenn, if you had two of those luxury, playboy-type yachts—you know, with all the modern conveniences—would you give one to me?”

Glenn replied, “Scott, you and me are like brothers. You were best man at my wedding. If I had two of those luxury playboy yachts with all the modern conveniences, then yeah, Scott, I really would give one to you.”

They kept walking. A couple of minutes later, Glenn turns to Scott and says, “Scott, if you had two chickens…”

“Now hold on there! Glenn, you know I’ve got two chickens!”

~~~

“If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas.”

George Bernard Shaw

~~~

New Testament:  Many are called, but few are chosen.

Marie Dolan:  Many are called, but most are e-mailed.

Ron Morse:  Many are called, but few actually switch long-distance carriers.

Ed Wintermantel:  Many are called, but they face another wait in the examining room.

~~~

I can’t go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

~~~

The trooper said that this excuse is the most effective because it’s believable and any officer can relate: When you get pulled over and the officer comes up to the driver’s window, look at them with desperation in your face and say, “I’m sorry. I know I was speeding but I have to go to the bathroom sooooo badly that I’m about to explode!” You could also add, “Do you know of a restroom really close by that I can get to in the next 60 seconds?”

~~~

Man improves himself as he follows his path; if he stands still, waiting to improve before he makes a decision, he’ll never move.

Paulo Coelho

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

I like you, I hope you like you too!

If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.

Author Unknown

One of my great concerns during these difficult times has been the effect that it has had on the self-confidence of so many people. Job loss and money shortages can destroy us if we let them knock us off our game. In reality confidence has always been an important precursor to success and without it opportunities are often lost.

 Fortunately the lack of confidence can be cured. Here is an edited list of traits from The Confidence to be Yourself: How to Boost Your Self-Esteem written by Dr. Brian Roet.

These aren’t just traits of self-confident people; they’re actually ways to build confidence and boost self-esteem.

Traits of Self-Confident People:

Taking on these traits of confident people will boost your self-esteem automatically. It’s the classic “act as if you’re confident and you’ll feel more self-confident” scenario.

• Self-confident people believe in themselves and what they do. Self-confident people believe that they are in control of their life (boosting self-esteem is trusting yourself).
• Self-confident people accept responsibility for their actions. You can boost your self-esteem by taking ownership of your life.
• Self-confident people have flexibility towards people and situations they encounter. Boosting self-esteem is not about being rigid.
• Self-confident people aren’t governed by ‘shoulds, musts, and ought tos’. Improving self-confidence involves impulsivity and flow.
• Self-confident people are able to evaluate themselves realistically.
• Self-confident people are ‘straight’ with their opinions and discussions. Boost self-esteem by being honest.
• Self-confident people have nothing to hide about their personal beliefs. Improving self-confidence is about being open.
• Self-confident people don’t need to be critical and judgmental to boost their ego. Improving self-confidence involves being supportive.
• Self-confident people are good listeners and not overly concerned about what others think of them. Improving self-confidence is about being authentic.
• Self-confident people say ‘why not?’ when offered an opportunity – not ‘why?’
• Self-confident people accept change as a normal part of life. Improving self-confidence involves rolling with the punches.
• Self-confident people make eye contact when speaking or listening to other people.

Can you see how the above traits of self-confident people also boost your self-esteem? Pick a few traits, practice being self-confident, and your self-esteem will rise.

~~~

I have learned to accept who I am. I do the best I can and avoid pretending to be something I’m not. I also know that there is no one else better at being me than I am. I have learned over the years that when you take control of your life and develop confidence in yourself magic things happen. And you know what? if you do too you’ll find that living with yourself is much more fun.

Ray

~~~

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Eleanor Roosevelt

~~~

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because both had jobs they found it difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so it was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his Room there was a computer so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. The dearly departed was a minister who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, Expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I’ve Arrived

You’re probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!

Dick

~~~

Teacher: “Why couldn’t your brother spell ‘Mississippi’ when I asked him this afternoon in class?”

Boy: “Because he didn’t know if you meant the river or the state!”

~~~

In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had 18 wives, too many puppies to remember, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, “Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”

The owner replies, “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

~~~

A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow.

Charlotte Bronte

~~~

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, “Look at me.  I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.”

The new inmate asked, “What happened?”

“One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!”

~~~

People are like stained-glass windows.  They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

~~~ 

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Thanks Ralph

“The purpose of learning is growth, and our minds, unlike our bodies, can continue growing as long as we live.”

Mortimer Adler

If you have been reading the Daily for any length of time you know I often share the thoughts of Ralph Marston when they compliment that day’s theme. I have been getting e-mail from him for a few years now and I am grateful for that. It is not just that he offers wisdom that is often worth following, it is that he also triggers me to think and to often see things in a new light.

His is another gift that helps keep my life interesting. As we age it is far too easy to just put on our slippers, sit in the recliner and watch the world go by. Far too often we stop while the world keeps moving and we end up seeing it all through old eyes when some new knowledge might allow us to see more clearly. We buy stronger reading glasses, acquire things to help us overcome our physical limitations and yet many of us are reluctant to acquire mental aids and get to the point where the old adage of use it or lose it takes its toll. Lately I have noticed that it does not require a person to be elderly to start the brain withering process all it takes is to stop challenging oneself to learn.

I know for myself some of the best moments of my golden years have been not only what I have learned but also the process of learning. It is amazing how many seniors I have met who have added new knowledge to their accumulated wisdom resulting in their making some terrific contributions to the effort of solving today’s problems.

This latest personal realization was triggered by my reading this piece from Marston today.

Go get more

You do not grow old simply by living a certain number of years. You grow old only when you stop filling those years with new substance and value.

Don’t spend all your time and energy merely confirming again and again what you already know. That will make you too old too soon.

Instead, put your effort and energy into learning, discovering and experiencing what you do not yet know. That will keep your life young, fresh and vibrant, even as the years continue to progress.

There are all kinds of new things you can learn today. There are all sorts of great ways to challenge your assumptions and increase your wisdom.

If you think you know it all, you’re cheating yourself out of the opportunity to continually build upon your knowledge. If you refuse to challenge your beliefs, those beliefs will begin to imprison you rather than support you.

Treasure the knowledge you possess and all the rich experiences you’ve had. Then get up, get out there and get a whole lot more.

All I can say to that is, “Right on Ralph, thanks.”

Ray

~~~

“Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can – there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.”

Sarah Caldwell

~~~

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment – the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the rednecks finally catches a fish.

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?”

The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

~~~

If my computer performs one more illegal operation, I’m going to report it to the authorities.

~~~

“NOW EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME”:

I won’t get bad luck, lose my friends, lose my mailing lists, hear any music or see a cool pop up screen if I don’t forward this. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria’s Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me and Ford will not give me a 50% percent discount even if I HAVE forwarded my e-mail to more than 50 people.

I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons or freebies from Coke Cola, Cracker Barrel, or Old Navy if I send this to10 people who don’t know who I am anyway.

My phone will not MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I forward this. There is NO SUCH THING as an E-mail tracker, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding this to 10 or more people.

There is no kid with cancer through the Make a Wish program in England collecting anything. He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANYMORE POSTCARDS, CALLING CARDS OR GET WELL CARDS!

The government does not have a bill in congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character, or program I will receive immediately after I forward this. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool.

The American Red Cross will not donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never heard of before disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations, they don’t donate!

And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things on to my friends for fear they will think I am not their friend…or by telling me I have no conscious or don’t believe in JESUS CHRIST.

If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it along…but even if it does come by e-mail, I’m sure He will care enough to delete all those annoying forward’s in it!

Now, repeat this 4 times to yourself until you’ve memorized it and then send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will be constipated for the next 3 months.

~~~

The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it.

Chinese proverb

~~~

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, “Wash. Biol. Surv.” until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

“Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.”

~~~

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Bill Watterson

~~~

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?!”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

“Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said.

“The sharks got ’em.”

~~~

It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.

Epictetus

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Resiliency Pays

Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.

Helen Keller

I went to a Council on World Affairs dinner the other night where we received a report from a highly regarded seismologist on the aftermath of the Haitian earthquake. He was down there shortly after the quake to do an assessment. He shared a lot of information as to why there was so much devastation and so much loss of life. But he also commented on the resiliency of the Haitian people especially the children.

He showed a video that he made while living in one of the tent cities a few days after the disaster that showed laughing children. While it has been many years since I visited Port Au Prince and surroundings I have always remembered how so many of the people I met demonstrated a capacity for joy even though they had almost nothing, few even had shoes.

As I have thought about it I have come to believe that the adversity thrust upon people during their lifetime conditions them to deal with whatever comes their way. I don’t mean it is easy, far from it, but it does have a way of bringing focus to what is important and what is not. I never really believed it when people told me that the poor have the capacity to be happy while the rich often do not, but now I think there is some truth to the belief.

As I think back to my childhood when my brother and I were sent away to a farm school for kids from broken homes where we were only allowed to go home once a year between Christmas and New Years and then later how I washed dishes to earn enough money to pay a weekly tuition to a private institution when I was 15 years old I now realize how the experience made me appreciate the little important things in life more than I would have otherwise. Of course I wish I had not felt the pain that accompanied the loss of friends and loved ones over the years. And while it would have been easier if I had not made as many mistakes or had behaved a little bit better in the early years I now know that my life would not be as good as it is today without those experiences. It is almost as if life’s challenges leave one with something like the oxidation on a fine piece of sculpture that results in a patina that adds depth and luster to the piece making it even more beautiful.

I have half jested over the years when I told folks that the challenges that we face are character builders, now I think I understand that they really are. It is not easy to pull ourselves up after a disaster but when we do we become a better person than we were. The adversities that we face teach us to appreciate what is really important and to understand that everything won’t be as we want it to be but we have the ability to make the best of what we have.

~~~

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!

Dr. Seuss

~~~

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?”

The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

~~~

Daddy, where did I come from?” the seven-year-old asked.

It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

“Does that answer your question?” her father asked.

“Not really,” the little girl said. “Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from.”

~~~

Time may be a great healer but it’s also a lousy beautician.

~~~

Dear Mom and Dad,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son, Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible, I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late.”

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said,

“Your prayers were answered.

Your letter never came!”

~~~

“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”

Groucho Marx

~~~

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, “Why’d you do that?

The trooper says, “You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license ready.”

Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”

The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.”

The passenger says, “Huh?”

The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, ‘I wish that guy would’ve tried that crap with me!'”

~~~

Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

~~~

“My girlfriend came up to me the other day and introduced me to one of her male friends, and at first I didn’t mind, since I’m not the jealous type. I just wish she hadn’t started calling him “Sweetie” and living with him and having his kids and marrying him and stuff.  It’s really starting to make me wonder if she wants a future with me or not.”

Derek Maness

~~~

Love your enemies.  It makes them so damned mad.

P.D. East

~~~

The priest was at the side of a dying man. Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”

The dying man said, “Well, if you really want the truth, until I know where I’m going, I don’t think I should make him mad!”

~~~

You are fortunate if you have learned the difference between temporary defeat and failure, more fortunate still if you have learned the truth that the very seed of success is dormant in every defeat that you experience.

Napoleon Hill

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Let’s relax this weekend

“Be mindful of how you approach time. Watching the clock is not the same as watching the sun rise.”

Sophia Bedford-Pierce

Yesterday I talked about my friend that is often stressed out because of task overload. I suggested he put a priority on taking a break each day in order to recharge. I also thought it was worth the effort to only take on those things he can do well and complete as promised. Of course I know for some of us that is a lot easier said than done, I, like many of you often have found myself with so many balls in the air that I had to franticly run around just to keep from losing them. I am also someone who finds himself unconsciously doing more than one thing at a time, some call that multitasking, in my case it is more like undisciplined chaos.

So what do we do? I am not glib or smart enough to know the answers but I stumbled across an article on WikiHow on How to be Laid Back that I think makes a lot of sense. So with a weekend coming up won’t you join me in laying back and taking things a little easy? Here is what the article suggests we do.

How to be Laid Back

Whether you’re a worrywart, a perfectionist, an overachiever, or a workaholic, you probably envy people who seem to float through life gracefully, never concerned (like you are) about what might happen if they don’t do this or don’t do that. Perhaps they’re not the most motivated or accomplished people you’ve met, but they always seem content. If you’re on the opposite end of the spectrum–always doing, never satisfied–here’s how to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride that is your life.

Steps you can take

Do one thing at a time. The world’s greatest achievements were made by people who gave the task in front of them their undivided attention. Tackling multiple activities at once might feel efficient, but is it really productive? Is giving each task 30% of your attention for three hours as effective as giving each task 100% of your attention for one hour each? If something doesn’t deserve your undivided attention, maybe it’s not worth doing at all.

Slow down. Why the rush? If what you’re doing is important enough to warrant your time, you might as well enjoy it. Cleaning the house for an hour with your favourite music playing and your bottom shaking is better than cleaning the house in half that time but in a frantic state of mind. Don’t just “get it over with”–find a way to make every activity something that you look forward to doing.

Stop being a perfectionist. High standards have their place–when performing surgery, for example–but when applied to other areas of your life (your appearance, your home’s appearance, your hobbies, your handwriting, whatever) you’re practically inviting anxiety into your life. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any standards at all; it’s when you start stressing out about the details that you need to ask yourself: “Will doing this right now make me truly happy? Will it make me a better person? Will it make the world a better place?” Usually, the answer is no.

Step aside. When you close your eyes and imagine your role in the world, do you see yourself as Atlas, the mythological Titan, holding the weight of the world on your shoulders? Do you feel like you want to relax, but worry that if you do, everything will fall apart? If so, you need to delegate some responsibility. You might think other people won’t do as good a job, but that’s the thing: they’ll never do it just like you do. So give them responsibility, give them advice, and pass the reins.

Remember that it’s not the end of the world. Many people spend their entire lives trying to prevent bad things from happening. But guess what? They happen anyway. And life goes on. That’s not to say you shouldn’t take any kinds of precautions in life, but if the majority of your thoughts are consumed in contingency planning, you’re not enjoying life. You’re preventing it.

Focus on what you have, not what you have to do. Sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking “I have to straighten this up…I have to correct him…I have to stop her…” but truthfully, we don’t have to do anything. You can walk away from any task, at any time. Try replacing every “have to” with a “want to” and see if the statement still holds. Meaning, is it something that you’ll look back on when you’re in your deathbed and be happy you did? Most likely not. So appreciate what you have, while you have it.

~~~

Is everything as urgent as your stress would imply?

Carrie Latet

~~~

As he lay on his deathbed he spoke, “Sara, I want you should know before I die that Ginsburg the tailor owes  me $200, and Morris the butcher owes me $50, and Klein next door owes me $300.”

His wife turned to the children and said, “What a wonderful man your father is. Even when he’s dying he’s got the brains to realize who owes him money.”

The old man continued, “And Sara I want you to also know that I owe the landlord a hundred dollars.”

To which his wife cried, “Oh oh, now he’s getting delirious!”

~~~

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

~~~

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, “A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000.”

There was a moment’s silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, “Two thousand five hundred!”

~~~

“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Dave Barry.

~~~

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. “How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.

“Well … they feel a bit tight.” replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. “Try pulling up on the tongue.” offers the clerk.

“Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.” He says.

~~~

“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”

Victor Borge

~~~

If you have to write a letter of recommendation for a fired employee, here are a few suggested phrases:

• For the chronically absent: “A man like him is hard to find.” “It seemed her career was just taking off.”
• For the office drunk: “I feel his real talent is wasted here.” “We generally found him loaded with work to do.” “Every hour with him was a happy hour.”
• For an employee with no ambition: “He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.” “You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”
• For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled: “I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”
• For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate: “I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.” “All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”
• For a stupid employee: “There is nothing you can teach a man like him.” “I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”
• For a dishonest employee: “Her true ability was deceiving.” “He’s an unbelievable worker.”

~~~

The man who doesn’t relax and hoot a few hoots voluntarily, now and then, is in great danger of hooting hoots and standing on his head for the edification of the pathologist and trained nurse, a little later on.

Elbert Hubbard

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Take a break

A little kingdom I possess, where thoughts and feelings dwell;

And very hard the task I find of governing it well.

Louisa May Alcott

I had breakfast with a friend the other day who like so many of us, often gets overwhelmed with all the tasks on his plate. I know the feeling, we often say yes to requests more than we should, that coupled with procrastination and putting off some of the unpleasant tasks can really get you down. What’s even worse is that the overload often leaves no time to do things that would help us recharge. In my discussions with my friend I suggested that we all need to make sure our day includes recess time. For you in other countries, recess is time where school children take a break during the school day to play, relax and recharge.

So what can we do? I think we have to be careful to limit what we agree to do only those things that we can do well and do on time; we do no one any favors when we say yes and then don’t deliver. The second thing is to avoid putting the difficult or unpleasant tasks off until later for all that does is provide lingering dread since you are going to have to do whatever it is sometime. My third recommendation is to make recess mandatory and give it as high a priority as any other task and then use the recess to read, relax, play but not to think about or work on something on your things to do list, if you take a recess I think you’ll be surprised how much better things get done after you return refreshed.

I know it is not easy, but in my experience we make things worse when we get overburdened with our task backlogs. Not long ago happiness guru Gretchen Rubin wrote a piece that I think is on target. Here is what she said.

Six tips for forcing yourself to tackle a dreaded task.

Often, I know I’d be happier if I do something I really don’t feel like doing. Those dreaded tasks hang over my head, though; they make me feel drained and uneasy. I’ve learned that I’m much happier, in the long run, if I try to tackle them as soon as possible, rather than allowing myself to push them off.

Here are some strategies I use:

1. Do it first thing in the morning. If you’re dreading doing something, you’re going to be able to think of more creative excuses as the day goes along. One of my Twelve Commandments is “Do it now.” No delay is the best way.

2. If you find yourself putting off a task that you try to do several times a week, do it EVERY day. When I was planning my blog, I envisioned posting two or three times a week. Then a blogging friend convinced me that no, I should post every day. As counter-intuitive as it sounds, I’ve found that it’s easier to do it every day (well, except Sundays) than fewer times each week. There’s no dithering, there’s no juggling. I know I have to post, so I do. If you’re finding it hard to go for a walk four times a week, try going every day.

3. Have someone keep you company. Studies show that we enjoy practically every activity more when we’re with other people. Having a friend along can be a distraction, a source of reassurance, or just moral support.

4. Make preparations, assemble the proper tools. Clean off your desk, get the phone number, find the file. I often find that when I’m dreading a task, it helps me to feel prepared. There’s a wonderful term that chefs use: mis-en-place, French for “everything in its place.” It describes the preparation done before starting to cook: gathering ingredients and implements, chopping, measuring, etc. Mis-en-place is preparation, but it’s also a state of mind; mis-en-place means you have everything at the ready, with no need to run out to the store or begin a frantic search for a sifter. You’re truly ready to begin to work.

5. Commit. We’ve all heard the advice to write down your goals. This really works, so force yourself to do it. Usually this advice relates to long-term goals, but it works with short-term goals, too. On the top of a piece of paper, write, “By the end of today, April 7, I will have _____.” This also gives you the thrill of crossing a task off your list. (See below.)

6. Remind yourself that finishing a dreaded task is tremendously energizing. Studies show that hitting a goal releases chemicals in the brain that give you pleasure. If you’re feeling blue, although the last thing you feel like doing is something you don’t feel like doing, push yourself. You’ll get a big lift from it.

~~~

“Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task”

William James

~~~

MEMO TO ALL EMS PERSONNEL

To: All EMS Personnel From: Chief of Operations

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

2) Stroke patients are NOT “Charlie Carrots.” Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or “hamburger helper.” Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like “negative vehicle to vehicle interface” or “terminal deceleration syndrome.”

4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not “glow worms.”

5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered “pharmaceutically gifted.”

6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not “trans-occipital implants.”

7) The homeless are not “urban outdoorsmen,” nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a “PVC Challenge.”

8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being “paws up,” ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

~~~

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

~~~

My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots.

“Tina,” I commented, “I see you got new boots! Where did you get them?”

“At the store,” she answered.

“Which one?” I asked.

She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, “Both of them!”

~~~

In the long run you will receive more from life doing the job you enjoy than you will ever earn in money from a job you loathe.

Terry L. Mayfield

~~~

A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, “I don’t really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them.”

~~~

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

~~~

My sister brought her daughter a really nice Spinet Piano for her birthday.

A few weeks later, I asked my sister how her daughter was doing.

“Oh,” she said, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

“How come?” I asked.

“Well,” my sister answered, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing….”

~~~

“The really efficient laborer will be found not to crowd his day with work, but will saunter to his task surrounded by a wide halo of ease and leisure.”

Henry David Thoreau

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Start Now!

With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future.  I live now.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

These last few weeks have been filled with news of folks who have passed on, suffered adversity and great losses. Unfortunately for many they also feel that the dire straights they feel they are in is the capstone of their lives and it will never get better. Far too many of these folks have missed numerous opportunities in their lives waiting for a better time and as I have learned time after time, the best time is more often then not, now. Fortunately what many believe is the end can really be a new beginning, what I regret is that for some they waited too long and it really is too late.

I may have shared the following with you before since I have kept it a long time. I don’t remember who wrote it or where I got it but I am grateful that I have it. We all need to be reminded that it is now and the clock keeps ticking and if we wait too long now soon turns into never. So my friends let’s all make today the beginning and get out there and live. Read on and get set to enjoy the ride.

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough and we’ll be more content when they are.

After that, we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.

We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said, “For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time…and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you’ve had a drink, until you’ve sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Work like you don’t need money,

Love like you’ve never been hurt,

And dance like no one’s watching.

~~~

I can’t wait all my life

On a street of broken dreams.

~~~

Famous Last Words:

— Of course you don’t look fat in that dress honey.  Well… maybe a little.

— Hey ya’ll watch this.

— LOOK! An old mine from world war…..

— Sure, rope bridges last forever.

— Trust me, I know what I’m doing.

— Do I cut the red or the blue wire?

— Oh shut up! I won’t fall!

— Oh, it looks like a dolphin is swimming this way…

— I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.

~~~

Cooking lesson #1: don’t fry bacon in the nude.

~~~

A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer “Dear Harold”. At this, dad interrupted and said, “Wait a minute, How come you called God, “Harold”?” The little boy looked up and said, “That’s what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, “Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name.” 

~~~

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

~~~

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. “My you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”

“It was terrible,” her husband said. “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.” Exhausted

~~~

I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, “Watch it!!!

There are plenty more ribs where YOU came from!”

~~~

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he’d been putting off for weeks. He’d cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, “Say, what do you get for yard work?”

The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, “The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.”

~~~

“Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”

Robert A. Heinlein

~~~

During an Army war game a commanding officer’s jeep got stuck in the mud.

The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. “Sorry sir,” said one of the loafers, “but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way.”

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, “Go drag a couple of  those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction.”

~~~

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Colin Sautar

~~~

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.

“Sure,” said the young student confidently. “Means carrying a child.”

~~~

Waste not fresh tears over old grief’s.

Euripides

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Do you?

“We can throw stones, complain about them, stumble on them, climb over them, or build with them”

William Arthur Ward

 Yesterday I shared an article with you that promoted the good things that could come to you if you extended your network and met more people. There are hundreds of people just like you and me that we haven’t met yet, many who have the potential of being life long friends. That is of course if we let them. The chances of that happening if your focus on yourself and not them is slim and if you are a complainer forget about it.

If you are like I am you get turned off fast when someone you meet wants to complain and tell you what is wrong with others; how they have been treated unfairly and how they are seldom if ever at fault. Possibly some of what they say is true but focusing on the negative and using it as an excuse for not moving away from the past is the quickest way I know to leave a bad impression. Think about it, would you rather relate to someone who expresses a positive view of life and takes an interest in you or would you rather be with someone who is negative and self-centered?

My tip is this, if you about to complain, don’t! Recently I read a piece written by Jon Gordon that may help you if you find yourself tempted to complain. Here in part is what he wrote:

5 Things To Do Instead Of Complain

The one thing I keep hearing from leaders and employees is that complaining is at an all time high. I’m not surprised. There are two main reasons why we complain. 1. We complain because we feel powerless. 2. We complain because it’s a habit. The economy has shaken a lot of people’s foundations and we feel powerless which leads to a rise in habitual complaining.

So this week I want to encourage you to go on a complaining fast. Not because it will make everyone around you happier, although it will, but because it will help you experience more joy, peace, success and positive relationships. To help you break out of a “complaining” rut here are five things you can do instead of complain. These tips will help you realize you are not powerless.

1. Practice Gratitude. Research shows that when we count three blessings a day, we get a measurable boost in happiness that uplifts and energizes us. It’s also physiologically impossible to be stressed and thankful at the same time. Two thoughts cannot occupy our mind at the same time. If you are focusing on gratitude, you can’t be negative. You can also energize and engage your coworkers by letting them know you are grateful for them and their work.

2. Praise Others. Instead of complaining about what others are doing wrong, start focusing on what they are doing right. Praise them and watch as they create more success as a result. Of course, point out their mistakes so they can learn and grow, but make sure you give three times as much praise as criticism.

3. Focus on Success. Start a success journal. Each night before you go to bed, write down the one great thing about your day. The one great conversation, accomplishment, or win that you are most proud of. Focus on your success, and you’ll look forward to creating more success tomorrow.

4. Let Go. Focus on the things that you have the power to change, and let go of the things that are beyond your control. You’ll be amazed that when you stop trying to control everything, it all somehow works out. Surrender is the answer.

5. Pray. Scientific research shows that daily prayer reduces stress; boosts positive energy; and promotes health, vitality, and longevity. When you are faced with the urge to complain or you are feeling stressed to the max, stop, be still, plug-in to the ultimate power, and recharge.

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Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.

Benjamin Franklin

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“What happened to you?” asked the bystander to the man lying on the sidewalk outside of the beauty parlor.

The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin.  “Last thing I remember was my wife came out of the beauty salon. I took a look at her and said, ‘Well, honey, at least you tried,’ and I don’t remember anything after that.”

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You know what happens when you play country music backwards? You quit drinking, you get your wife back, you’re rehired and your lost dog comes home.

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Years ago I worked on the UNIVAC I & II which were the follow-on to the Eniac based on the same technology. Here is what Popular Mechanics reported in March 1949 “Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuums tubes and perhaps weigh 1.5 tons.” Today there is much more power in my cell phone.

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“Dogs have owners — Cats have staff.”

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A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, “Can people predict the future with cards?”

His response was, “My mother can.”

The teacher replied, “Really?”

The young boy was quick to explain, “Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.”

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Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

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One day a guy on a vacation heard of an Indian with an amazing memory, so he decided to visit the Indian and see what the big deal was.

He went to the Indian and asked him, “What did you eat for breakfast on July 2, 1961?”

The Indian replied, “Eggs.”

The same man came back 10 years later to see the Indian again. He greeted him by saying, “How.”

The Indian said, “Fried.”

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Those who say they “sleep like a baby” haven’t got one.

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Two inmates break out of their prison cells and are running across the yard when a guard in one of the towers spots them. Immediately, he sounds an alarm and all the searchlights in all the towers shine on the would-be escapees.

Caught in the light, one hisses to the other, “Don’t just stand there! Smile and start tap dancing!”

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She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

Mae West

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She said: I was going away for a few days and left my husband a list of chores. For fun, I put down as Item 5: Think about your wife a lot.

After I returned, my husband proudly reported that he had completed every job. When I saw the list, however, each item except No. 5 had been crossed off.

“What’s this!” I exclaimed. “Didn’t you think about me at all while I was gone?”

My chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully. . .”Hon… I started to, but just never finished.”

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“If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it.”

Anthony J. D’Angelo

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Stay well, do good work, and have fun.