Ray's musings and humor

Archive for March, 2012

Great News!

“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect.

It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

 

I got good news yesterday afternoon from my gastro-intestinal Doc. The biopsy on the troublesome polyp is benign so thankfully there is no oncologist in my future. It still has to be removed. Since the last time they did one of this size resulted in severe complications they are referring me to one of the top GI Docs at the University of Indiana Medical Center to see if he is willing to remove it. If that fails I will have to have part of my colon removed surgically, while neither of the two options are thrilling they are a lot better than a siege of chemo and/or radiation treatments. So I am pleased that I have again avoided the worst case scenario and that my inability to worry saved me from unfounded agony. Life is good.

A friend seemed surprised the other day when I shared what was going on since I did not appear to be more anxious. I said I had learned a long time ago that I do not have the power to change what is. What has helped me has been my willingness to accept whatever comes my way and after learning what positives may also exist I move on making the best of whatever is going on. To tell the truth I believe that a positive attitude provides the foundation that results in an enhanced healing process.

So my friends my cruise no longer seems in jeopardy. What needs to be done is something that I have dealt with before and I am not important enough to any of my current activities that a short absence will be a problem.

I like what Ralph Marston wrote about accepting what life hands you I hope you will as well. Here is what he wrote:

Total acceptance

It is through total acceptance of what is, that you gain total control of what can be. By allowing life to come to you, you empower your purpose to radiate out from you. You cannot successfully fight against what is. For the moment you choose to fight, you’re fighting against a past that cannot be changed.

Accept the energy that comes to you in this now moment, whatever flavor that energy may be. Apply that energy to create a beautiful future filled with joy and positive purpose. Embrace each circumstance as it comes into your awareness. By doing so you will gain access to its positive possibilities.

Live from a place of deep-seated peace. Instead of jumping into a reaction at every turn of events, exude a consistent, confident purpose. Lovingly accept every bit of life as it comes your way. And you will always find much too truly love.

~~~

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves – regret for the past and fear of the future.”

Fulton Oursler

~~~

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famous scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen…and replaced by exact duplicates.” His mind sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Half the people you know are below average.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

What happens if you get scared half to death ….. twice?

My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

~~~

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.

Frank A. Clark

~~~

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. “Doctor,” he said, “I need you to cut off my dog’s tail.”

The vet stepped back, “Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?”

“Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome.”

~~~

We lived in Minnesota in the late 60’s, we were a lot hardier then. We had to be, and here is why:

a.. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through l8 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Minnesota.

b.. If you’re proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Minnesota.

c.. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota.

d.. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in Minnesota.

e.. If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Lutefisk, you might live in Minnesota.

f.. If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Minnesota.

g.. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Minnesota.

h.. If you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedi, Edina and Shakopee, you might live in Minnesota.

i.. If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear, and you sing gently, “From the land of sky-blue waters, …. you might live in Minnesota……

~~~

Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

~~~

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. “Well,” Bubba began, “We wuz havin’ a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, “Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?”

“And then what happened?” the officer interrupted.

“From what I remember,” Bubba said, “I stood up and said, “Sure, I’m game.”

~~~

Complaints? Write them here legibly []

~~~

A guy had been isolated on an island in the South Pacific for 10 years. He lit a signal every night for 10 years but no one saw it and no one came to rescue him. Finally a passing boat did notice the signal and sent an officer and men in a small boat to investigate. The castaway explained that he had been on this island for 10 years waiting to be rescued.

The boat captain ask “If you are all alone, what are those three huts I see built in the lagoon?

He answered “The first hut is my home. The second hut is where I go to church. And the third hut is where I went to church before I got mad and changed churches …”

~~~

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

~~~

When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. “Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?” she asked.

Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, “I’ll take them.”

Relieved, I started to to ring her up, until she interrupted me. “Can I have another pack? This one’s been opened.”

~~~

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

Melody Beattie

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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Yesterday I said I would do it tomorrow but now it is today and not tomorrow

“You may delay, but time will not.”

Benjamin Franklin

 

I am busy and somewhat distracted today and must leave for a meeting. I do feel the need to get my taxes done as well and hopefully today I will learn about my next medical adventure. So rather than try to come up with a new Daily I found this one from seven years ago that shows that in some ways I have not changed much.

 

Ray’s Daily first published on March 29, 2005

I probably have told you that lately I find I have escalated my procrastination skills to record setting levels. The sad part is that I know better, I am always uncomfortable with having things linger on my to-do lists as they approach required deadlines, and I almost always find that once I get started the tasks are easy and often turn out better than I expected.

My most recent example has been the preparation of my Federal and State taxes. I have been putting off doing them week after week as my wife increased the frequency of her do-the-taxes reminders. Well the news is that I got them all done this weekend. As always with the software I use the whole thing was relatively painless and went fairly quickly, and as usual I regretted waiting so long. But that is not the big news; the big news is that when I was done it turns out that I will get all of my 2004 estimated federal tax payments back. This means that I either have made a major mistake or I have stumbled on an easy way to reduce federal income tax liabilities.

After checking or rechecking it appears that we made no mistakes, of course the friendly IRS will let me know if I am wrong. Since I hold each of you in such high regard I thought I should share the secret with you. The first thing is to make sure you have no supplemental income from consulting contracts or any other payment for your work, this way there are no bothersome W2’s or income 1099’s which also result in zero self-employment taxes. The second secret is to keep cash in Money Market accounts and certificates of deposit that pay less than two percent interest. The third secret is to invest in equities that pay little or no dividends. So if you really want to reduce your taxes, quit your job, put whatever cash you have into low or no interest bearing accounts, and buy securities in companies with low profits.

Now I don’t want you to think that by following this plan that you will no longer work. I find I am given all kinds of opportunities to work for free and sometimes even for food. Despite all of this if the FED’s do send my money back, my wife and I will probably take a trip to New England in the fall.

~~~

Nothing hurts more than having to pay an income tax, unless it is not having to pay an income tax.

~ Thomas Robert Dewar ~

~~~

“Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food-preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.”

~~~

The most efficient labor-saving device is still money.

~~~

One of my nurse buddies told me that:

* The patient furthest away from the nurses’ station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses’ station.

* You always remember “just one more thing” you need after you’ve gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.

* The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.

* When you cancel extra staff because it’s so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.

* If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on. Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.

* There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.

* When management smiles at you, be afraid, very afraid …

* Staffing will gladly send you three aides–but you have to float two of your RNs.

* As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.

* Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you’ve had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.

* You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room.  You always remember when you get back to the other end …

* Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn’t doing well.

* Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.

* The more sophisticated the equipment, the longer it takes to get repaired.

* Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

* As soon as you’ve ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!

~~~

An accountant couldn’t get to sleep, so he tried counting sheep. Then he made a mistake, and it took him all night to find it.

~~~

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir,

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane. Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn.

I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat.

Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that, too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?

~~~

It’s so simple to be wise.  Just think of something stupid and then don’t say it.

Sam Levenson

~~~

A tourist from the city was visiting a quaint country village, and got talking to an old man in the local pub.  “And have you lived here all your life, sir?” asked the tourist.

And the old man, with a wise look, said, “Not yet.”

~~~

There’s nothing so rewarding as to make people realize they are worthwhile in this world.

Bob Anderson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

I wish I knew what they meant!

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”

Anthony Robbins

Busy day today, I am off to cardiac rehab at 6 AM then a blood draw to see if I have to continue my two a day self-injected stroke protection medication. I have had to give myself nine shots so far at about $100 apiece it gets expensive so I hope my test results will let me stop, if not it will probably mean another four before I test again. Then it is off to the dentist since he reported that my last x-ray showed the need for some immediate attention. If that was not enough I also have a lecture that I need to attend. The day hasn’t even started and I am already worn out. So you got it, another reprint.

 

Ray’s Daily first published on March 28, 2005

 

I sometimes forget that our generational separation often results in a mysterious communications gap. It can go something like this:

I said, “I was really put through the wringer today.” She said, “What’s a wringer?” I said, “It is the thing that you put on the side of the wash tub that you use to get the water out of clothes before you hang them on the line to dry. She said “How big is it?” I said “It is about the size of a breadbox.” She said, “What is a breadbox.” I said, “Never mind. Anyway I just had a bad day and let’s leave it at that.” She said “That’s too bad what happened?” I said “I ran into this guy, he looked like Jimmy Cagney and he was so mad at me I thought he might come after me riding on the running board of a black roadster shooting a Tommy Gun.” She said “Who the hell is Jimmy Cagney, what is a running board, and what is it doing behind something called a black roadster?” At this point I excused myself and went to the senior center where we all talk the same language.

Substitute culture differences for the generational differences and you can see why we are so often misunderstood by others, and even worse, why we so often misunderstand others.

~~~

A world community can exist only with world communication, which means something more than extensive short-wave facilities scattered about the globe. It means common understanding, a common tradition, common ideas, and common ideals.

Robert M. Hutchins

~~~

A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 PM he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

“Do you know how to work this thing?” the older man asks. “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”

“Yes, sir,” says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the other man, and feeds it in.

“Now,” says his boss, “I just need the one copy…”

~~~

All men have the same amount of hormones. If you want to use yours growing hair, that’s your business.  Baldy

~~~

She said: I’m A Senior Citizen

I’m the life of the party…even when it lasts till 8 p.m.

I’m very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.

I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.

I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you are saying.

I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I’m so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care . . .

I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.

I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.

I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I’m anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory . .

I’m going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors . . .Absolutely nothing!

I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I’m in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP. . .

I’m supporting all movements now . . .by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

I’m a walking storeroom of facts . . . I’ve just lost the storeroom.

~~~

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

Roseanne

~~~

Doug:  I know you’re crazy about that little daughter of yours.  What are you going to do when she starts to date?

Bill:  I figure I’ll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear.  Then I’ll say, “Do you see that sweet, little young lady?  She’s my only daughter, and I love her very much.  If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember this:  I don’t mind going BACK to prison.”

~~~

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

Fran Lebowitz

~~~

A person enters a service station and asks for the quickest way to get to Oak St.

The attendant says, “Are you walking or driving?”

The person says, “Driving.”

The attendant responds, “That’s the quickest way”.

~~~

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, “You’re only interested in one thing,” and you can’t remember what it is.

Milton Berle

~~~

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.

She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?”

The clerk says, “What denomination?”

The woman says, “Oh my God. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

~~~

You see things; and you say, ‘Why?’

But I dream things that never were; and I say, “Why not?”

George Bernard Shaw

~~~

 

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Wanna feel good?

We get to make a living; we give to make a life.

Winston Churchill

 

This coming Thursday I will be sharing with a number of guests at my weekly Kiwanis meeting why I have been a Kiwanis member for more than thirty years. It has not always been easy to stay active as my business and travel coupled with post retirement obligations have often kept me excessively busy. But rather than give up the friendships I have made, the things I learn from top notch speakers and the opportunity to do some good I have elected to make my membership a priority.

Fortunately my club has such a wide variety of service opportunities that there is almost always something that I can do, even when my health holds me back. I have found over the years that doing something for others is truly a gift I can give to myself. It is hard to explain the positive results that come from caring for others, in fact I find it to be as good for me as most of the medicines I take.

Not too long ago a gal wrote the following in her blog that I think hits the nail on the head, she wrote it after she had spent a weekend as a volunteer for a humane society event. Here is what she said:

 

When You Do Good, You’ll Feel…

inspired. Being around other people who are spending their time doing something good for the world is truly one of the most inspiring things. You’ll probably be around people who do inspiring things for a living (like the people I met who spend every day at the animal shelter) and that will make you feel even more inspired. Doing something good for a good cause is one of the most inspiring things. You will realize that there are many other people out there in the world that want to make it a better place.

grateful. When you’re in a situation where you’re donating your time to a cause, it’s probably because something or someone needs help. In this case, I was assisting with an event to raise money for animals in need. Hearing about those animals in need made me feel incredibly grateful for my own life — and for the life I am able to give my pup Bella. No matter what the cause, if you are aware of what your work is benefiting, you will most likely feel incredibly grateful for all of the goodness in your own life.

useful. Being a part of this great event made me feel like, even if it was just for a weekend, I was doing something good with my life. I had a purpose and that purpose was to assist with an event that would raise money for animals in need. Feeling as if our lives have purpose is one of the wonderful impacts of being involved in a meaningful volunteer opportunity, and it’s not something to be taken lightly. This weekend, it was amazing and inspiring to feel as if what I was doing had a true purpose.

connected. For the first time in my life, I was with a group of people who really got how I felt about animals. I’ve certainly met animal-lovers before, but to be in a room full of people who feel as passionately about helping animals as I do was truly a wonderful feeling. Whatever cause you choose to support, it’s such a great feeling to be around other people who support the cause that you feel strongly about. Feeling connected to complete strangers is a rare occurrence and something to be enjoyed.

hopeful. When working with a group of people who are inspired and motivated by a single cause, you almost can’t help but be hopeful. Though it might seem like you’re only impacting a small corner of the world when you’re working on one event for one cause, you’ll find yourself filled with hope because you know that all over the world — in all of the other little corners — there are other people doing good things to make something — maybe just one thing — a little better.

~~~

The unselfish effort to bring cheer to others will be the beginning of a happier life for ourselves.

Helen Keller

~~~

A husband was with his wife when she decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop. Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him. In a cocky manner, he asked, “Where are all the men’s clothes?”

In a demure voice the clerk replied, “All of these clothes are for men, sir.”

~~~

The best exercise for reducing is to move the head slowly from right to left when offered a second helping at the dinner table.

~~~

I never knew this…..

TRUE Newspaper Headlines

* Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link-Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995

* Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut-The New York Times, November 22

* Alcohol ads promote drinking.-The Hartford Courant, November 18

* Official: Only rain will cure drought.-The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

* Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men.-The Sunday Oregonian, September 24

* Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows.-The New York Times, March 10

* Scientists see quakes in L.A. future.-The Oregonian, January 28

* Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold.-Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

* Bible church’s focus is the Bible.-Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

* Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity.-The Chicago Tribune, March 5

* Lack of brains hinders research.-The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

* Fish lurk in streams.-Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

~~~

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.

~~~

The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.

After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story.  Most of the pictures were predictable, but Larry’s had an odd element in it.

“Larry, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?

“It’s the flea, teacher.”

“Flea…? Ah…what flea?” asked the teacher.

To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse:

“Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt.  There’s Mary; there’s Jesus; and there’s the flea.”

~~~

There is in the worst of fortune the best of chances for a happy change.

Euripides

~~~

A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday for coffee and a chat. They drink their coffee and then sit for hours discussing the world situation. Usually, their discussion is very negative. One day, Aaron surprises his friends by announcing, loud and clear, “You know what? I’ve now become an optimist.”

Everyone is totally shocked and all conversation dries up. But then Sam notices something isn’t quite right and he says to Aaron, “Hold on a minute, if you’re an optimist, why are you looking so worried?”

Aaron replies, “Do you think it’s easy being an optimist?”

~~~

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of candle will never be shortened. Happiness never ceases by being shared.

Chinese Proverb

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

DRATZ again!

He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears.

Montaigne

 

I made it back from my special assignment which took me to Michigan where their traditional cold and blustery March weather was replaced with balmy days with temperatures in the 80’s. While there we invested some of our money in games of chance at an Indian owned casino. I am sure you will not be surprised to learn that our investments did not provide any return; it was more like a money down the drain experience. I suppose though that providing our original Native Americans some compensation for past practices has some justice attached but my wife does not see it that way.

Friday I had my delayed colonoscopy; it had been delayed until I overcame my cardiac problems. The good news is that it is done. Unfortunately there is also some bad news, I flunked the test. While they did remove a couple of polyps there was one that was nasty that they left. I will learn later in the week after the docs get the biopsy results what we will have to do next.

I learned long ago that there is little to be gained by agonizing over that which we cannot control. I also know that unfounded worry is almost always misguided so I will hold off on doing so until I know what to worry about. I am getting so use to helping the medical economy I’ll just view it as another adventure. That is not to say that I do not realize it may be serious it is just to let you know that it is not in my nature to let it get me down. Of course I will be upset if I have to cancel my end of May cruise to Alaska, especially since my cardiac interruption required me to cancel the cruise we had scheduled for last November to the Caribbean.

~~~

No man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow’s burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear.

George MacDonald

~~~

Boudreaux goes to see his preacher one day. “Preacher, sumting terrible is happening, and I have to talk to you about it.”

The preacher asked, “What’s wrong, Boudreaux?” Boudreaux replied, “My wife, Marie, I tink she’s poisoning me.”

The preacher, very surprised by this, asks, “What makes you say that?” Boudreaux then pleads, “I’m telling you, I just know she’s trying to poison me. What should I do?”

The preacher then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, and I’ll see what I can find out and let you know.”

A week later the preacher calls Boudreaux and tells him, “Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three solid hours. You want my advice?” Boudreaux anxiously says, “Yes, anything!”

The preacher tells Boudreaux, “TAKE THE POISON!”

~~~

Children are natural mimics – they act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners.

~~~

Fortuneteller: You will be miserable, depressed, and unhappy until your 40th birthday.

Client: Then things will improve?

Fortuneteller: No, you’ll just get used to it by then…

~~~

“Nothing needs reforming so much as other people’s habits.”

Mark Twain

~~~

Sol and Mort are walking from religious service. Sol wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Mort replies, “Why don’t you ask Rabbi Schwartz?”

So Sol goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, “Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?”

But Rabbi says, “No, my son, you may not. That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”

Sol goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.

Mort says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”

And so Mort goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, “Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?”

To which Rabbi Schwartz eagerly replies, “By all means, my son. By all means.”

~~~

“It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.”

George Bush

~~~

OK guys, I’m assuming that you suffer from PMS, not directly, but suffer none the less. Hers the solution…

Q: What can I do to end the havoc created every 28 days?

A: Absolutely nothing.

Q: Will it ever end?

A: Sure, but you’ll be so old you won’t notice.

Q: Why is it that I’m wrong so much during this awful time?

A: You just are, cope with it. Someone must bear the blame.

Q: Can I just pack up and go out with the boys?

A: Only if you are heavily insured and have a death wish.

Q: What should I do to cope with this?

A: Glad you asked… (take notes)

1. Pamper your woman!  Shower her with love and affection.

2. Duck (alot).

3. Let her vent.  Remember, she probably doesn’t mean it.

4. If #3 does not apply, you deserve every bit of it…don’t whine.

5. Making dinner will lessen the trauma, take note: Burnt biscuits will only add to your pain – Order out.

6. Speak only when spoken to – Limit your replies to: “Yes, of course you’re right darling” and “those jeans never fit better.”

7. Educate yourself on the magic pills your loved one prefers, keeping them on hand is a bonus point for you.

8. Keep small children (and other helpless creatures) out of the path, keep the casualties to a minimum.

9. Gifts and “shiny” tokens of affection are advised, just remember these words: Victoria’s secret , Macys & Tiffany.

10. Always remember, you are against something way beyond your power.

~~~

Some of your hurts you have cured,

And the sharpest you still have survived,

But what torments of grief you endured

From the evil which never arrived.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Ray escaped again!

Success is peace of mind in knowing you did your best.

John Wooden

 

I am off early this morning on a special assignment and will not be back until Thursday and then Friday I have to be at the hospital at 6 AM for another Colonoscopy. The last one resulted in my in spending a week in intensive and transitional care after a horrendous bout of internal bleeding. I have lost 21 pounds in the last couple of months so I do not need to lose more via blood loss. Although I do hope that my pre-op fasting and purge routine will offset any weight gain that occurs while I am on assignment.

And so my good friends I am once again breaking out and will leave with a few thoughts from an earlier time. I’ll be back with you next Monday. Please have fun while I am gone and avoid getting arrested.

Ray

~~~

Ray’s Daily first published on March 20, 2002

One thing that has happened since I have again retired has been the difficulty I have explaining my behavior to my wife. Almost every day she asks where I am going, and I tell her I am working on something for someone and have a job to do. She keeps saying if I have all these jobs, where is my paycheck. I think they call that special spousal counsel.

One of the benefits of retirement is that you can do the right thing without worrying if it is going to fly with the vested interests, maintainers of the status quo, or the risk avoiders. But you know in all cases we would be better off not waiting for retirement. Here is something that says what I mean.

 

IF YOU HAVE A DREAM

Don’t wait for some distant day to come; it may be too late before you’ve even begun. Not everyone will agree with all you decide. Be true to yourself first and foremost. The only important thing in life is what you do with the time you spend here on earth.

Don’t cloud today with things that can’t be undone. You have no more control over yesterday or tomorrow, than you do the raging of your passions.

Do not quiet these dreams nor quench your desires, for if you do your journey is ended. You have only today to begin anew and follow your dreams. For in the end all we have are our memories.

When the twilight comes to us, let there be, no excuses, no explanations, no regrets!

~~~

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, – I’m home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

Steven Wright

~~~

“Air Force Maintenance Issues”

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

“Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before next flight.

(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That’s what they’re there for

(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right.” and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

~~~

You’re never too old to become younger.

MAE WEST

~~~

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.  She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. “Excuse me,” she said, “I’m in a hurry.  Could you check me out, please?”

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, “Ummmm, Not bad.”

~~~

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

~~~

A couple is celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary and goes down to their old school. There, in a corner, they hold hands as they find their old desk where he had carved, “I love you, Sally.” On the way home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car in front of them. She picks it up and counts $50,000.

The husband says, “We’ve got to give it back.”

She says, “Finders keepers.” And when they get home she hides it in the attic.

The next day, two FBI men show up at their home. They ask, “Pardon me, did anyone in this house find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

She says, “No.”

The husband says, “My wife is lying. She took the money and hid it in the attic.”

She says, “Don’t believe him, he’s a bit senile.”

So they sit the man down and begin to question him. One FBI guy says, “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

The old man says, “Well, my wife and I were on our way home from school…”

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says,  “Let’s get out of here.”

~~~

“Time is at once the most valuable, and the most perishable of all our possessions.”

John Randolph

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Free medicine for you

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Lord Byron

 

One of the benefits I get from putting the Daily together is the constant reminder not to take life too seriously. The balance I try to provide by including some humor is as much for me as it is for you. I find that a daily dose of laughter is as important to my wellbeing as any of my pills. The people I enjoy most are those who have an overflowing sense of humor, you know the folks I mean, the people that make you smile whenever they are around.

In this day filled with doomsayers, worriers, accusers and even some nasty people we need the antidote that humor provides. It’s not only good for the soul; it is also good for the body. Don’t believe me? Then read this article from the University of Maryland Medical Center that extols its health benefit.

 

Laughter is the “Best Medicine” for Your Heart

Can a laugh every day keep the heart attack away? Maybe so. Laughter, along with an active sense of humor, may help protect you against a heart attack, according to a recent study by cardiologists at the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore. The study, which is the first to indicate that laughter may help prevent heart disease, found that people with heart disease were 40 percent less likely to laugh in a variety of situations compared to people of the same age without heart disease.

“The old saying that ‘laughter is the best medicine,’ definitely appears to be true when it comes to protecting your heart,” says Michael Miller, M.D., director of the Center for Preventive Cardiology at the University of Maryland Medical Center and a professor of medicine at the University of Maryland School of Medicine. “We don’t know yet why laughing protects the heart, but we know that mental stress is associated with impairment of the endothelium, the protective barrier lining our blood vessels. This can cause a series of inflammatory reactions that lead to fat and cholesterol build-up in the coronary arteries and ultimately to a heart attack.”

In the study, researchers compared the humor responses of 300 people. Half of the participants had either suffered a heart attack or undergone coronary artery bypass surgery. The other 150 did not have heart disease. One questionnaire had a series of multiple-choice answers to find out how much or how little people laughed in certain situations, and the second one used true or false answers to measure anger and hostility.

Miller said that the most significant study finding was that “people with heart disease responded less humorously to everyday life situations.” They generally laughed less, even in positive situations, and they displayed more anger and hostility.

“The ability to laugh — either naturally or as learned behavior — may have important implications in societies such as the U.S. where heart disease remains the number one killer,” says Miller. “We know that exercising, not smoking and eating foods low in saturated fat will reduce the risk of heart disease. Perhaps regular, hearty laughter should be added to the list.”

Miller says it may be possible to incorporate laughter into our daily activities, just as we do with other heart-healthy activities, such as taking the stairs instead of the elevator. “We could perhaps read something humorous or watch a funny video and try to find ways to take ourselves less seriously,” Miller says. “The recommendation for a healthy heart may one day be exercise, eat right and laugh a few times a day.”

~~~

It is impossible for you to be angry and laugh at the same time. Anger and laughter are mutually exclusive and you have the power to choose either.

Wayne Dyer

~~~

He said: My wife and I went to a “Dude Ranch” while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn’t, she replied, “The one without the horn is fine. I don’t expect we’ll run into too much traffic.”

~~~

“The sharing of joy, whether physical, emotional, psychic, or intellectual, forms a bridge between the sharers which can be the basis for understanding much of what is not shared between them, and lessens the threat of their difference.”

Audre Lorde

~~~

Remember Gracie Allen? She said:

Appliance salesman: You’ll like this range. For instance, you put in a roast, you set the oven control, then you go out all day. When you come home at night, the roast is done.

Gracie: Haven’t you got one where I don’t have to go out?

George: Gracie, what do you think of television?

Gracie: Oh I think it’s wonderful, I hardly ever watch radio anymore.

~~~

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!

~~~

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . . ?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

~~~

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Groucho Marx

~~~

Taxing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned round and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” she explained.

“Oh, and it took a while to fix it,” said the passenger.

“Not exactly.” replied the stewardess, “It just took us a bit to get a new pilot here.”

~~~

We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.

~~~

The young lady walked over to the hospital room where she knew her friend was. “May I see Irving, please?” she asked the woman blocking the door.

“We don’t allow anyone but relatives to see the patients,” replied the woman. “Are you a member of the family?”

“Why-er-why, yes.  I’m his sister,” said the lady.

“Oh, I’m so glad to meet you,” said the woman. “I’m his mother!”

~~~

He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much; who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction.

Bessie Anderson Stanley

~~~

 

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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