Ray's musings and humor

Archive for September, 2008

Ray’s leaving it is now all up to you

“We may run, walk, stumble, drive, or fly, but let us never lost sight of the reason for the journey, or miss a chance to see a rainbow on the way.”

 

 

My friends soon the presses will be shut down at Ray’s Daily. Today will be the last edition until the third week in October. I will be on a special international assignment in the weeks ahead doing people-to-people visitations, that’s my cover story anyway. I will be disguised as a tourist sailing on one of the worlds newest ocean liners. Most of the time I will be investigating who is making the leaves in Canada and New England turn from green to yellow and even in some cases red. As you may have read it is thought be happening due to an international conspiracy undertaken by a network of foreign government sponsored botanists with the sole purpose of distracting our attention from the current economic crisis.

It is with regret that I will not be here to help you solve the current global financial disaster, secure peace in the Middle-East and restore civility to the political process, but someone has to check on this flora terror situation and I’ll do the best I can. In the meantime I am somewhat comforted knowing that when I return you will have set the world right and my retirement nest egg, my pensions and the value of my home will have been restored so that I like you will be able to spend the years ahead enjoying peace, prosperity and goodwill. Meanwhile please accept my deep appreciation for what you will do while I am away.

In the meantime I hope to occasionally retrieve critical e-mail but other than that I will not be able to get the news of the day so I can keep up with your progress. While missing the news is a sacrifice I think I will be able to live through it using the principle of what I don’t know won’t hurt me.

So thanks again for all you have done and will do. Keep it together and I’ll see you sometime in October.

Ray

Code Name

I can’t tell you that.

~~~

To care for anyone else enough to make their problems one’s own, is ever the beginning of one’s real ethical development.

Felix Adler:

~~~

SOME TEXAS WISDOM

1. Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.

2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

3. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.

4. If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

5. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

7. There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.

8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

9. Don’t squat with your spurs on.

10. It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

11. Always drink upstream from the herd.

12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

13. There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, The few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it’s really hot.

~~~

"Of Course I Don’t Look Busy — I Did It Right the First Time."

~~~

She said, when I arrived for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. "For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I’ve even found her sitting in the wrong desk." "I don’t understand that," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."

~~~

"Practice Safe Food — Use Condiments."

~~~

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination.  He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes.  No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window.  He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15".

The jogger said thanks and left.  The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and yet *another* jogger!

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left.  Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.  To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying,

"I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME!"

Once again he settled back to sleep.  He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir?  I’ve got the time…..it’s 8:45!"

~~~

"I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: ‘This door is alarmed.’ I said to myself: ‘How do you think I feel?’"

Arnold Brown

~~~

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they promised they would take care of it, mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn’t looked after it?"

After a moment, her five-year-old son replied quizzically, "Uh, once?"

~~~

Could it be that the people who have nothing to say are the ones we should listen to?

~~~

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I’d limp too."

~~~

Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions; could have, might have and should have.

Louis Boone

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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The future is up to us

“The most practical kind of politics is the politics of decency”

Theodore Roosevelt

 

 

Yesterday I attended a presentation by a friend who had led a delegation of Jews, Christians and Muslims to the Middle East where they visited Israel, Palestine and Jordan. They visited with people in refuge camps, ate with regular folks like you and me, and even built a Habitat for Humanity home. Their experience was somewhat life changing and they found as I have when I visited various parts of the world that people are generally good and are more like we are than we realize.

I have long been a believer that the hope of the future is public diplomacy, those people-to-people experiences that let us get to know each other without the filters of politics and extreme philosophies. Wilfred A. Peterson did a much better job than I ever could when he wrote about who we the people are and who we can be. Here is what he said:

 

We Are the Decent People

We are the decent people of the world. We are in the majority, for men and women are essentially decent. We live in all nations, we live under all the flags that fly. Decency is not determined by our economic status, our religion, the language we speak, the color of our skin, or the ideology under which we live. Human decency is a universal quality.

We, the decent people of the world, often have our voices drowned out by the shouts of leaders who misrepresent the things for which we stand.

We the decent people carry enough weight to tip the scale for decency if we will make ourselves heard…

We believe that war is the great indecency, that it kills and destroys all the higher sensibilities of man and leaves only death, suffering, and destruction in its wake.

We believe that this is a beautiful universe and that it is made for love and not for hate; for peace and not war; for freedom and not slavery; for order and not riot; for compassion and not violence; for happiness and not misery.

We believe that there is only one war to be waged in the name of human decency, and that is the war against all the common enemies of man… hunger, disease, poverty, ignorance, crime and failure.

We believe that every child should have the chance to grow up in an atmosphere of faith, not of fear.

We believe that the ultimate decency is to help men and never harm men, to lift men and not degrade men, and to respect the dignity of all men as individual human beings.

We the decent people of the world stand for the kind of life that will be good for all of the people, all of the time, everywhere."

~~~

Each person has inside a basic decency and goodness. If he listens to it and acts on it, he is giving a great deal of what it is the world needs most. It is not complicated but it takes courage to listen to his own goodness.

Pablo Casals

~~~

She said: Concerned about fitness in my 50’s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor…

"I’m here to do my postnatal exercises," I told the instructor.

She gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?"

"Twenty-three," I replied.

~~~

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Yogi Berra

~~~

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. We used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso to allow for storage in a carrying case.

As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?"

He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can’t feel her legs!"

~~~

"Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers?

Men don’t like flowers. I’ve been wearing a great scent. It’s called New Car Interior."

Rita Rudner

~~~

In days past, children were given names that sound strange to us today — Prudence, Charity, Faith, and so on. One boy was named Amazing, and he resented it all his life. People laughed at him because of it. He told his wife that, when the time came, he did not want his name on his tombstone. When he died, she followed his wishes and put on the tombstone, "Here lies a man who was faithful to his wife for 60 years."

But even in death, he couldn’t escape the curse, because everyone that looked at his tombstone said, "Why, that’s Amazing!"

~~~

"Virtue is often the result of insufficient temptation."

Cheers, George

~~~

I was flying between Maui and Oahu.  It’s only a 30 minute flight and so, to save money, I flew with a small airline in a little, twin-engine plane. About eight minutes into the flight the pilot announced that we were going to have to turn back due to some engine trouble.

The nervous passenger I was seated next to turned to me and said, "Oh-h-h m-m-my G-g-god.  If we l-l-loose an engine, how f-f-far d-d-do you think the other o-o-one will t-t-take us?"

I told him, "One engine?  Oh, I’m sure it’ll take us all the way to the scene of the crash.  Hell, we’ll probably make good time too.  I bet we beat the paramedics there by at least a half hour!"

~~~

It’s as easy as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950…

~~~

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn’t like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn’t often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit’s wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

~~~

Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

~~~

Recently, a young woman came into my friend John’s insurance office with her newborn twins. John asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart.

She gave him a funny look before responding, "No, I haven’t had any problem. This is Benjamin and this is Elizabeth."

~~~

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."

Dawna Markova

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

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Don’t let them do it to you

Not being able to govern events, I govern myself, and apply myself to them, if they will not apply themselves to me.

Michel de Montaigne

 

 

I don’t need to tell you that these are tough times for far too many. Unfortunately some of us get so angry that we want to strike out against someone or something, it almost seems that emotion has displaced reason. I suppose a lot of that is the result of the frustration that comes from not knowing what to do or who to blame. The bad part of all of that is the one who suffers most is the person who lets their feelings drive their behavior into areas where they suffer even more.

As I thought about the problem I looked back in my archives and found that some one had excerpted wisdom from an article by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. Here is what the author suggests and while it focus on our reaction to others the same principles apply to how we react to events.

 

When you live at or below ordinary levels of awareness, you spend a great deal of time and energy finding opportunities to be offended. A news report, an economic downturn, a rude stranger, a fashion miscue, someone cursing, a sneeze, a black cloud, any cloud, an absence of clouds — just about anything will do if you’re looking for an occasion to be offended. Along the extra mile, you’ll never find anyone engaging in such absurdities. Become a person who refuses to be offended by any one, any thing, or any set of circumstances. If something takes place and you disapprove, by all means state what you feel from your heart; and if possible, work to eliminate it and then let it go.

Not being offended is a way of saying, "I have control over how I’m going to feel, and I choose to feel peaceful regardless of what I observe going on." When you feel offended, you’re practicing judgment. You judge someone else to be stupid, insensitive, rude, arrogant, inconsiderate, or foolish, and then you find yourself upset and offended by their conduct. What you may not realize is that when you judge another person, you do not define them. You define yourself as someone who needs to judge others.

~~~

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own.  No apologies or excuses.  No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.  The gift is yours – it is an amazing journey – and you alone are responsible for the quality of it.  This is the day your life really begins.

Bob Moawad

~~~

Her rules

The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it’s time to meet more guys.

The Rat Race: If there’s one rat in a room full of nice men, he’ll hit on you first.

The Eyeglass Prescription: Don’t wear your glasses on a blind date.  You’ll look better, and he will too.

The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.

The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night.  It’s a call from a creep you told you were busy.

The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea.  But who wants to go out with a fish?

The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.

The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he’ll lasso another woman.

Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person’s mind at a cocktail party.

The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.

Twain’s Truth: Familiarity breeds children.

The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they’re single.

~~~

A lawyer’s epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange

Here lies an honest lawyer,

And that is Strange.

~~~

"If we were rich," said Mrs. Abrahams, "we’d spend six months a year in Florida, six months a year in Europe, and six months a year in California."

"But dear, that would make eighteen months in a year!" said her husband.

"Indeed it would, Herbert.  Isn’t is wonderful what you can do with money?"

~~~

One of the secrets of a long and fruitful life is to forgive everybody everything every night before you go to bed.

~~~

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn’t feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

~~~

When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.

Henny Youngman

~~~

It was just after midnight, and there was a rapping at the doctor’s door.

Dragging himself out of bed and poking his head from the window, he shouted down at the lone figure.

"Well?"

The woman looked up, "No, sick."

~~~

A little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, am I descended from a monkey?"

The mother replied, "I don’t know, son, I’ve never met your father’s folks."

~~~

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived.

One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all.

Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. "Reform I can understand. But where will it end?  You! Goldblum!  The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???"

Goldblum shuddered.

God went on.  "I can live with that.  Men are weak, but the Word is strong!"

Goldblum sighed with relief.

"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really:  serving Ham & Cheese Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?"

Bauman hung his head in shame.

"Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I’m not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions."

Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far!  Am I asking too much?  No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying….

‘Closed for the Holidays!’"

~~~

Other people or unfortunate circumstances may have caused you to feel pain,

but only you control whether you allow that pain to go on.

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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Please let the children see more

Only through art can we get outside of ourselves and know another’s view of the universe which is not the same as ours and see landscapes which would otherwise have remained unknown to us like the landscapes of the moon. Thanks to art, instead of seeing a single world, our own, we see it multiply until we have before us as many worlds as there are original artists.

Marcel Proust

 

 

It’s another one of those days, medical tests this morning followed by a lunch meeting downtown. I’ll leave from there to go back to my favorite dentist to finish the work we began a few weeks ago and then off to an early evening High School varsity soccer game where my grandson will be recognized as a senior finishing four years of soccer. So forgive me for another classic from the past.

Ray’s Daily

September 23, 2004

Proust wrote the above more than a half century ago. I can understand what he meant; I was fortunate to live in Chicago for many years and had access to the Chicago Art Institute’s great collection of impressionist painters. I also have had a chance to spend time amongst the great art works in the Vatican Museum in Rome. I, like Proust, saw the world a little different after each experience. I know many have no interest in art, music, literature, and the humanities, if it is by choice so be it, if it is because of a lack of opportunity to feel it, I am sorry. Many of the good things in life and in our human existence are the result of those who saw the world in all of its forms and used every medium to share their view with us. From ancient Greece to today people like you and I have had their lives enriched because of what others have created for us. I am so sorry for the children of today who have had the arts eliminated from their educational experience because we the public do not place adequate value on those things that can enrich lives. Some say we just cannot afford the cost, I feel we cannot afford the loss of citizens who see more than just the commercial world around them. I think if you take some time to revisit your local museum, go further in the depths of the internet to reach the beautiful things that exist there, or see a live performance of a play or orchestra, you will find that you will be glad you did. Beauty is often hidden, but it can be found if we just open our eyes, ears, and minds.

~~~

Art distills sensations and embodies it with enhanced meaning.

Jacques Barzun

~~~

LUTHERAN AIRLINES, INC.

If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline. You’re all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting experience.  There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight.  Meals are potluck.  Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft.  Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.  All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget is met.  Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this Lutheran Air 599.

Okay then, listen up: I’m only gonna say this once.  In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I wouldn’t bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.  You’re gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those back up in their little holes.  Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest with you, we’re going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet .. sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In the event of a water landing, I’d say forget it.  Start saying the Lord’s Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which isn’t right, but what can you do?

The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they may interfere with the plane’s navigational system, which is seat of the pants all the way.  No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the side of your head.

We’re going to start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style with the coffee pot up front.  Then we’ll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat pocket in front of you.  Don’t take yours with you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kidding!

Right now I’ll say Grace.  "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these gifts to us be blest.  Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or pretty close.  Amen."

~~~

"Be what you are. Do what you do. Do it the best you can, and you’re going to have such a good life."

Helen Gurley Brown

~~~

Members of the Methodist women’s church circle were concerned because a widowed church member and her three small daughters were staying away from services.

Finding the reason to be a lack of suitable clothes, the ladies’ group corrected the situation in a generous manner; they held a bake sale and used the money to buy new clothes for all the children and the mother.

When the little girls still failed to appear at Sunday School, some of the ladies called to inquire about their absence. The mother thanked them sweetly for the clothing and explained…..

"The girls looked so nice, we decided to go to the Presbyterian Church down the street."

~~~

If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap.

If you want happiness for a day, go fishing.

If you want happiness for a month, get married.

If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune.

If you want happiness for a lifetime, help others.

              Chinese Proverb

~~~

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."

The caddy suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron, then a wedge, THEN a putt.

The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he underestimate his game!

Giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.

He then proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one heck of a putt…"

~~~

"John, I can see that all your buttons are sewed on perfectly. You must be married!"

"That’s right. Sewing on buttons was the first thing my wife taught me on our honeymoon."

~~~

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. He was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?" Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "Which end of the fork are you referring to?"

~~~

After you’ve heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

~~~

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. ‘Look, Miss,’ said the foreman, "Do you have any experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I’ve been divorced three times!"

~~~

Our humanity is a poor thing, except for the divinity that stirs within us.

Francis Bacon

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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Let’s reclaim integrity

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”

Spencer Johnson

 

 

If you are on my global affairs mailing list you know how much I have been disappointed by those who are so caught up in the current campaign that they have been overcome by often unreasoned emotion bordering on hate. If you are like I am you are inundated with messages from folks who spend all their time doing what they can to destroy what they are against and little time building up what they are for. Some denigrate one of the candidates who finished high in one of our foremost universities with honors as being elitist and others denigrate the other candidate for finishing at almost the bottom of his graduating class saying he is incapable of understanding complex issues. Neither of these slams tells the story. We ask our candidates to promise the world, even when most know that the promises cannot be kept, especially as our recent history is burdening us with a more then ten trillion dollar deficit. I prefer to look at who they might bring into office with them. Our countries wisdom lies in the our leader’s use of quality staff and advisors for as the past has shown that when big egos think they already know all the answers and have surrounded themselves with yes men we end up in real trouble. So please play fair, share the relevant facts and observations and let us make the best choices we can.

I wonder if my friends truly think it is worth it for them to sink to innuendo, rumor and falsehoods as they work to defeat the other guy. I wish every one would take a step back and look at themselves. If they do and find that they don’t like what they see I suggest they follow the advice that my friend Maureen offered me a few years back. She said if we follow her rules our lives will be better than we thought possible. Here is what she sent me:

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE.  When you say, "I’m sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams.  People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives

TWELVE.  Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

~~~

“Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.”

W. Clement Stone

~~~

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned. "What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest. "I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man. "How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest. "Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse." The priest replied, "Well, that’s not so bad." The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." "Well, now, that’s a little more serious." "Father, there’s more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"

With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious.

I’m afraid you’ll have to make a novena."

"Father, I’m not sure what a ‘novena’ is, but if you’ve got the blueprints, I’ve got the lumber!"

~~~

"Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?"

~~~

This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the suit.

"I’ve got grounds, all right," sputtered the irate husband. "Can you believe my wife told me I’m a lousy lover?"

"That’s why you’re suing?" pursued his lawyer.

"Of course not. I’m suing because she knows the difference."

~~~

Cherish all your happy moments; they make a fine cushion for old age.

Booth Tarkington

~~~

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense. After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"

The student replied. "BIG ones."

~~~

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet.

James Oppenheim

~~~

Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your daughter marry?"

"Oh, he’s wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlor regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night."

"That’s nice," said the woman. "What about your son?"

"I’m not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlor, and makes them eat take-out meals!"

~~~

I NEED SOMEBODY BAD… ARE YOU BAD?

~~~

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eye glasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.

"What seems to be the problem, madam?"

"I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way."

~~~

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."

Mark Twain

~~~

The afternoon was drawing to a close, and the guests were getting ready to leave.

"Mrs. Goldberg," said one of the ladies, "I just wanted to tell you that your cookies were so delicious I ate four of them."

"You ate five," replied the hostess, "But who’s counting?"

~~~

The value of compassion cannot be over-emphasized.

Anyone can criticize. It takes a true believer to be compassionate.

No greater burden can be borne by an individual than to know no one cares or understands.

Arthur H. Stainback

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Category:

Humor

Ready? Let’s go!

The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.

Sydney J. Harris

 

 

I have used the Harris quote in the past and am again because I so strongly believe that we need to give our brain a mental vacation more often than most of us do. For many of us this has been an especially trying week as we have seen our country and others in the world struggle with the global financial crisis. Usually people like you and me are not so directly affected but this time many of us are. I have talked to people this week that fear they will loose their uninsured savings, their jobs, their nest eggs and some even have talked about delaying retirement. Fortunately most of their fears are unfounded but that does not keep them from worrying.

In my case I have been lucky enough to get to a point in life where I don’t worry too much, I just wait for things to play out and then adjust if I have to. I am disappointed this time however that we all sat back and let our government and our citizens borrow much more than we could afford and it all came crashing down around us. I am also disappointed that financial organizations who have had years of record profits are transferring their insurmountable problems to our government where the only source of income is from taxes paid by you and me. That means more liability for each of us, huge interest payments on an already staggering national debt and ultimately it will us, our children and even our grandchildren who will have to pay the debt.

But I digress, forget everything I just said and join me for a few days of mental vacation. Let’s avoid the news, avoid negative conversations, review what’s good and ignore what’s bad, let’s have some fun. One of the things I am doing is catching a frivolous movie this morning. Later I plan to dip into my humor archives and pull together some stuff for future dailies. Tomorrow I am breakfasting with a favored friend who is always smiling and Sunday I am brunching with most of my very favorite people, my children and grandchildren. And as to a world in turmoil with shouting heads throwing blame at everyone but themselves, I don’t know what your talking about, I can’t see them, I can’t hear them and I don’t want to either, that is until I return Monday I am away on a mental vacation.

OK, I know for some what I suggest is easier said than done. If you are having a problem dropping out for a few days you might try these techniques that I copied from a relaxation web site.

Exercise is one of the best ways to manage stress. Walking is a great way to get started.

Write. It can help to write about the things that are bothering you.

Let your feelings out. Talk, laugh, cry, and express anger when you need to.

Do something you enjoy. A hobby can help you relax. Volunteer work or work that helps others can be a great stress reliever.

Learn ways to relax your body. This can include breathing exercises, muscle relaxation exercises, massage, aromatherapy, yoga, or relaxing exercises like tai chi and qi gong.

Focus on the present. Try meditation, imagery exercises, or self-hypnosis. Listen to relaxing music. Try to look for the humor in life. Laughter really can be the best medicine.

~~~

"Sing away sorrow, cast away care."

Cervantes

~~~

Did you know that:

Karaoke is a Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".

"Normal" is a setting on a washing machine.

Sleep is that fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.

A cynic is someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.

The answer is what everybody is still looking for.

~~~

I’m not aging, I just need re-potting.

~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him three times what was wrong.  Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

~~~

Lord, if I can’t be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

~~~

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there and found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. On the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.

Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop." Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks.

Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide, "The drums have stopped, what happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "bass solo."

~~~

"Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said."

~~~

After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!"

~~~

"Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one."

Mark Twain

~~~

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is anyone interested in a little wager?" he said, flashing some large bills around. "I’ve got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards …right down the middle…every time!"

Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, "I gotta see this!" he said. "You know, what? I’ll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee."

When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest.

Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green -6 inches from the cup.

The pro was astonished. "That’s incredible!" he exclaimed. "How did you train him to hit the ball like that! There’s no need for me to tee off. I couldn’t beat him with a stick. Here’s your money."

As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said "Oh, by the way, how does he putt?"

The trainer responded, "Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time."

~~~

Sometimes it’s important to work for that pot of gold.  But other times it’s essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow.

Douglas Pagels

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Category:

Humor

We can do it!

I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders.

Jewish Proverb

 

 

It seems like each day we are hit with more bad news. For those of us in retirement we see the combination of plummeting investments with inflation and predictions of even stormier times ahead requiring us to rethink our life plans. Many of those not in retirement who have seen job loss, home foreclosures, loss of personal wealth, increased educational cost and incidences of uninsured health interventions are now having to readdress their life style. The future for almost everyone is unclear these days and most of us are faced with momentous choices. The adjustments can be difficult and it is often hard for our loved ones to understand.

Many of us may be at one of the most significant junctures in our lifetime. For many it will be a time of agony and woe resulting in anger and their striking out against whoever they can blame. Hopefully most will see the situation as a test of their mettle and the opportunity to decide what is really important in their lives. If we invest in maintaining a positive attitude, not by pretending that problems don’t exist, but rather by learning how to make the best of bad times we can find happiness in new ways. We need to decide if we will let adversity take us out of the game or will we implement changes that allow us to rise above it? The choice is ours. Here is what Ralph Marston suggests:

 

Adversity is only adversity. Choose not to make it anything more.

Adversity will affect the circumstances in which you live and work. Yet you do not have to let it affect who you are, or where you’re headed, or what you’re able to do. Take note of the setbacks and adjust to them. But don’t expand on them by making them a part of you.

Instead, use each instance of adversity as a reminder of why you have chosen to move in the direction you are moving. Use each setback as an opportunity to redouble your positive, forward-looking efforts. Every day brings new value and new possibilities. There is always a way to take the next step forward on the path you have chosen.

Find that step today and take it. No mere circumstance can stop you from moving steadily and joyfully forward in the direction of your dreams.

~~~

If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a problem.

Everything else is inconvenience.

Robert Fulghum

~~~

I was walking into the casino when I passed a very depressed man sitting dejectedly on the floor by the entrance. Normally, I would have kept walking and minded my business, but something about this individual made me pause.  So I stopped and asked him what was wrong. "Oh, I got problems you don’t want to hear about," he told me. I persisted.  "What kind of problems?" I asked him. He looked up at me and said, "I just got bad news. My wife is very sick and needs immediate medical treatment.  I don’t have insurance and I have to find the cash to take care of her."

"How much do you need?" I asked.

"$200.00," he responded.

I thought for a moment and then asked the guy, "Look, if I gave you the money to take your wife to the doctor, how do I know you just won’t turn around and go into this casino and gamble the money away."

He looked up at me reassuringly and stated "Oh, I got gambling money!"

~~~

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

~~~

Louise was describing her new apartment to her mother.  "Mom, you’ve got to come and see it.  It’s gorgeous!  Great sitting room and the bedroom is exquisite.  The kitchen is a model of efficiency and the bathroom…well, all I can say is…the bathroom is out of this world!"

There was a pause, then her mother remarked, "Isn’t that a little inconvenient?"

~~~

Believe it, those were sad days!

In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.

"Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I’d like a small room for two weeks."

"I’m awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.

"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there’s a room."

"Not so fast, Madam. I’m sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."

"Jewish? Who’s Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."

"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"

"Jesus, Son of Mary."

"Where was he born?"

"In a stable."

"And why was he born in a stable?"

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn’t let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"

~~~

There is no failure except in no longer trying.

~~~

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car.  She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter, she didn’t know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do.

The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.  She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door".

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.  Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don’t know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.  The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????"  But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help.  She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick……I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her.  Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car."

He said, "SURE".  He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH…..You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man, see, I just got out of prison today.  I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud….."THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!!!!"

~~~

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."

Marty Feldman.

~~~

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the lady’s room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing their waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I’ll bet none of you thought I would make it."

~~~

"This is how hope works: it looks for the good in people and situations, rather than finding the worst; it discovers what can be done instead of throwing up its hands at what can’t; it considers problems large and small, as opportunities to move forward when it would be easier to quit; it makes us human, helping us find the very best in ourselves for those around us and the situations we face."

Kevin Eikenberry

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Category:

Humor

Fact or Fiction?

“The truth is not for all men, but only for those who seek it.”

Ayn Rand

 

 

As I am sure most of you know, especially those of you who are on my Global Issues mailing list, I have become very concerned about how many of us have become intellectually lazy. Not you of course, it is those other guys, you know the ones, the people who leave their thinking to someone else and once they pick someone to listen to they just adopt the other persons thoughts and conclusions as their own and go merrily on their way. Thank goodness you devote the time to learn all you can from the facts and do not listen to only rumor and innuendo. Today as I started the daily I remembered I had written something four years ago that I believe applies today. Here is what I said at the time.

 

I know we have talked before about how things look different depending on where you stand. Lately it seems that many of us can look at the same thing and see something very different. As an example we both could be looking at a field and one of us sees wild flowers and the other sees weeds. There is nothing wrong with that, it is just the way things are. My problem is that many of us perceive what we see as an absolute representation, and anything else is false. If you are like I am you are getting all kinds of e-mail containing information that is represented to be the total and absolute truth, most of the time it is being sent to justify one position or the other. It also seems that once many of the authors decide that their perception is unquestionably the truth they spend the rest of their time defending their position with no consideration of another’s view. It is even worse when they close their mind and see no need to reexamine whatever it is to see what they might have missed.

I am beginning to believe that our perceptions are often a reflection of what we want to see or hear. I don’t know if our unwillingness to spend time learning what another perceives in order to get another point of view is due to laziness or prejudice. I just wish that we used some of the energy we put into defending a position into reexamination and revalidation of our beliefs. I suggest we would be well served if we stop once in awhile and ask ourselves if we knew more would we be willing to change our minds. I don’t know about you but in my experience the best and brightest often change or modify their beliefs as they seek to accurately see what is going on. The recognition of reality that results in changing our mind is a strength, the change is not a weakness. If nothing else we should at least respect the others view and not try to force ours on them.

Life is not a game where we win by making sure the other guy loses. It is a journey that we all take together, it is when we learn what we can from each other that we have the best chance to make progress.

~~~

No matter what you believe, it doesn’t change the facts.

Al Kersha

~~~

She said: My husband and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When my husband began a story, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table.

There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly, he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I’ve told you this one before, haven’t I?"

We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."

"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"

Suddenly, we realized what had happened. Sheepishly, we returned to our table. His boss smiled and said, "Don’t worry. After the second one, I figured it wasn’t for me, so I passed it along."

~~~

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

~~~

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what’s your name?"

"Fred," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,

"…the balcony…"

~~~

It’s when you run away that you’re most liable to stumble.

Casey Robinson

~~~

A READER’S GUIDE

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country – if they could find the time, and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

~~~

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring and integrity, they think of you.

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

~~~

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

"No, thanks," says the manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn’t like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis.

"No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn’t like it."

Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I’d like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn’t like it." Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

~~~

Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.

John F. Kennedy

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Category:

Humor

Hang in there

“When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears”

Anthony Robbins

 

 

Gas is back to more than four dollars a gallon, the stock market has taken a huge hit as did my retirement fund, the weather has created problems for millions and local employment networking exchanges are overflowing including many folks who have seen their businesses permanently shut down. It truly is the worst of times for many and far from the best of times for even more. Fortunately most of the people I know are pretty resilient and will weather these difficult times. They are the folks who understand that friends, family, and the world around them still hold promise. They may not have nearly as much as they did but most have enough to sustain themselves and their families. My hope is that they can find a simpler lifestyle that may even allow them to enjoy their days a little more than they have recently.

 

Robert Holden suggests we can find hope in identifying those things in our lives for which we are grateful or at least should be. It seems to me it is times like this that makes the exercise even more valuable. Here is what he recommends.

For the next seven days, sit down each evening and write down ten things you are grateful for each day. Better still, do this with your partner or a friend. Before we practice gratitude, we are in the dark and there appears to be very little to be grateful for. Once we begin, a new light dawns, sometimes a brilliant light, a light as bright as heaven itself.

To whom are you grateful to in your life? Do these people know the full extent of your gratitude? Do you realize how grateful they will be when you tell them? Gratitude is more than an attitude; gratitude is a philosophy. The philosophy of gratitude begins as a hope, grows into a belief, and, finally, becomes an absolute knowing. It is a knowing that within any given situation – peaceful or painful, beautiful or ugly – there is always a gift waiting, wanting for you to see.

If it appears you have nothing to be grateful for, it is because you are not allowing yourself to receive. Just because you do not receive does not mean there is nothing to receive. On the contrary, there is always something to receive, and so there is always a reason to be grateful. Pray, "Dear God, teach me I am worthy to receive, teach me how to receive, teach me gratitude". Gratitude is good medicine. One single serving of gratitude is often enough to open the heart, energize the body, warm the bones, make your hair curl, put a spring in your step, start you humming, and make you smile like a baby!

~~~

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.

Melodie Beattie

~~~

He said: I think I am going to make a great father someday, because I really have a way with kids. Take the other day for example.

I was in Taekwondo class standing next to a nine or ten-year-old kid. I was watching him out of the corner of my eye while we did punches in the air.

I saw him punching with his wrist bent. Instead of a straight line from his knuckles to his elbow, he was pointing his knuckles down at the end of every punch. This is a problem when you do finally hit a solid target, because you will break your wrist.

With the aim of helping him out and correcting his mistake, I grabbed him after class and led him over to one of the heavy bags.

"I noticed a mistake in your form," I told him, "and I want to show you how to correct it." "Here, take a fighting stance. Now, punch the bag as hard as you can!"

He threw a vicious over-handed punch and let out a scream as his wrist buckled and he collapsed to the floor cradling his forearm.

"Now," I continued, "let me show you what you did wrong!"

~~~

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

~~~

A father was shopping in a department store with his small daughter, when the little girl pulls on his coat sleeve and announces, "Daddy, I have to go!"

"In a few minutes, sweetie." says the dad.

"But, I’ve got to go NOW," the little girl insists in a loud voice.

A saleslady standing nearby can’t help but hear the conversation and says, "I’ll take her, sir. It’s no problem."

So, as the father watches, the two hurry off hand in hand. When they return the father asks his daughter, "Did you thank the nice lady for being so kind?"

"Why should I thank her?" asks the little girl in a loud voice. "She had to go, too!"

~~~

There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: want less.

~~~

At the end of a job interview, a young Engineer fresh out of MIT was asked, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replied, "In the neighborhood of $150,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 6-weeks vacation, 21 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it.

~~~

One half the world doesn’t understand the other half and it doesn’t matter which half you’re in.

~~~

A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like crazy. I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and… guess what he found? The birth control pill!

~~~

It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.

Hans Selye

~~~

I just got back from a sailing holiday where I remembered this true tale you might be interested in. A friend was looking for a second hand boat (a Laser) to buy, when he hit on a great idea… At his sailing club (the Queen Mary in London) there was a large trailer park and a smaller yard where the management put trailers and boats if the owner didn’t pay their membership for 12 months. The Queen Mary club is very big and at the time there were three or four Lasers in this yard that judging from their condition hadn’t been sailed for at least a year.

My friend took down the numbers of these boats and asked the club secretary for the owners address so that he could make them an offer. The first chap he rang said he wasn’t interested in selling as he was going to sail it himself "one of these days".

He then rang the second owner who lived about 100 miles away. A woman answered the phone and confirmed that they did still own the Laser. My friend explained that he had seen it in the defaulters yard and that as it clearly hadn’t been sailed for a year – did she think her husband would be interested in selling?

"Oh no" she said "there must be some mistake – come rain or shine my husband spends one weekend a month in London sailing…"

I bet he had some explaining to do when he got home!

~~~

All of us get knocked down, but it’s resiliency that really matters. All of us do well when things are going well, but the thing that distinguishes athletes is the ability to do well in times of great stress, urgency and pressure.

Roger Staubach

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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Thanks Claudia

These, then, are my last words to you: Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create that fact.

William James:

 

 

My friend Claudia in Australia is kind enough to often send me things that are of value to her and that she thinks would be valuable to me. This weekend she sent me a piece that I thought was timely as political vitriol, natural disasters, significant jumps in living costs, people losing their jobs and homes is taking its toll and I needed some positive thinking.

I think Claudia’s sending what the Dahlia Lama suggests is the kind of back to basic’s quality of life behaviors that can help carry those who follow his suggestions through difficult times. Thanks Claudia.

Good Karma

Words from the Dalai Lama

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R’s

Respect for self.

Respect for other’s and

Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone everyday.

9. Open arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the Earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

17. Remember the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

~~~

I have found life an enjoyable, enchanting, active, and sometime terrifying experience, and I’ve enjoyed it completely. A lament in one ear, maybe, but always a song in the other.

Sean O’Casey

~~~

He said: Serving as a Marine recruiter in North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on the application, and he began filling out his paper work. But when he got to the question "Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?" he looked up at me with a worried expression.

"Well," he confessed, "I do own a Toyota. Does that matter?"

~~~

Bernie says to his wife Sarah, "Let’s go out tonight, darling and have some fun."

Sarah replies, "OK, but if you get home before I do, please leave the light in the hall on."

~~~

"A Little Office Prayer"

 

Grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change things I cannot accept,

And the wisdom

To hide the bodies of those people

I had to kill today because they

Ticked me off.

 

And also,

Help me to be careful

Of the toes I step on today as they

May be connected to the butt

That I might have to kiss tomorrow.

~~~

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."

~~~

Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking really down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem was.

Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clothile done had our first fight last night." Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat’s too bad. What y’all had a fight about?" Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope." Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat Clothile is Catholic." Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn’t know de Pope was too."

~~~

Vote for the man who promises the least. He will be the least disappointing.

Bernard Baruch

~~~

A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me to come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn’t locate the road. We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen and fire personnel were stumped. We went to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there.  I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or fire department.

"Neither," he replied.  "I deliver pizzas."

~~~

Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving.

W.T. Purkiser

~~~

My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday.

A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

"Oh….that," said my dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"Gee, how come?" I asked.

"Well…" he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can’t sing…."

~~~

Why explain? Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it.

~~~

When a physician remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother’s side or your father’s?" I asked.

"Neither," he replied. "It’s from my wife’s family."

"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet ’em sometime, Doc!"

~~~

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start,

anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

Carl Bard

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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