Ray's musings and humor

Archive for November, 2013

My seventeenth day in the slow lane.

I am starting my second week in a rehabilitation facility after my nine day hospital stay after my heart failure. Each day I get a little better so hopefully I will be able to return home in a week or so. When I do I’ll restart the Daily.

Thee good news is I have lost about eighteen pounds. However I

would not reccomend heart failure as a prefered diet, smaller portions is more painless.

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Ray’s been sick

After my successful surgery I ended up with congestive heart failure and pneumonia.  After a 9 day hospital stay I have been moved to a rehabilitation facility. I will restart the Daily when I get back home, hopefully in the not too distant future. In the meantime stay well, keep smiling and have fun.

Ray

 

 

 

Get Lucky

“The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.”

Richard Moss

luck

I will be leaving for the hospital pretty soon for my plumbing surgery. I will be out of commission for a couple of days. I have again learned how slow the clock moves when you fast. Yep, no food or water since last night and I still have hours without food or drink to go. I am keeping track of the time and treating the effort as penance for future misdeeds.

I am sure all will go well and the Daily will return next Monday. But I am not up to writing a new one today so here I was what we published on November 13, 2006.

~~~

I had the good fortune to hear an old acquaintance speak about luck at a meeting I attended this morning. He made many points about how we can improve our “luck.” His point that struck me the most was — pay attention and you might become lucky enough to recognize opportunity when you see it.

I could especially relate to how we are often so committed to what we want to say to someone that we look for the opportunity to interrupt and say what we want him to hear, too busy too even hear what is being said to us. While hopefully none of us drop out quite that far I would suspect too many of us are so concerned about our ability to impress or sell that we miss hearing something that would bring us together. Is it really luck that some find success more often than others or is it due in part to the winners paying attention? In my case I have found feeding back to the speaker my understanding of what they said does three things:

  • The speaker can correct me if I got what was said wrong.
  • If I often miss what is being said I can work to become more attentive.
  • And probably most important of all when we agree on what was said we can move forward together to what might be unsaid otherwise.

Another of his points was to get out of our ruts. We can drive home via a different route on occasion, we can do things we have never done before and understand the value of keeping our mind open to alternatives. We will never break new ground if we never move out of our comfort zone. And I would add – don’t hibernate. Too many of us get so comfortable in the status quo that the world passes us by without our even noticing. When that happens, more often than not, we wonder why others are so much luckier than we are.

His last lesson was telling us not to get hung up on fairness. While we should always be fair we need to understand that the world often isn’t. Too many of us waste time complaining about our bad luck that was the result of being treated unfairly. We can spend time agonizing about it or even striking out, but while we are doing that the “lucky” ones will have picked themselves up brushed themselves off and moved on. Bottom line, if you want to be lucky you can be, if you want an excuse for failure you can chalk it up to bad luck, but trust me few will lend a sympathetic ear.

~~~

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”

Seneca

~~~

Andy Rooney’s tips for telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work !!

(1) The three little words are: “Hold On, Please…”

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear the phone company’s “beep-beep-beep” tone, you know it’s time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a “real” sales person to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get “ads” enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these “ads” with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those “pre-approved” letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage “IF” and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before! the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

~~~

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

~~~

Speaking of luck, she said: I was shopping with my husband at a local supermarket and suddenly couldn’t find him. “I’ve lost my husband!” I muttered slightly louder than was necessary.

Then I heard a woman’s voice from the next aisle: “Some people have all the luck.”

~~~

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands

~~~

He said: A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog’s head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup’s head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, “I didn’t know they had to be baptized.”

~~~

You know you’re growing older when … You begin to realize that your parents were right, after all!

~~~

I’m in a hurry today. I have to answer the email I got from Mrs. Moobooro Nambito, who is the wife of a prominent politician in some African country. She just so happens to need help funneling tens of millions of dollars that her husband gave her to hide–right before the populace tore him to shreds because he stole all their money and resources.

Anyway, she needs help embezzling the funds to the States and is willing to pay handsomely anyone who lets her use their bank account. This is going to be the easiest money I ever made!

~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~

The other day, I had to make a call to the telephone company. Something was wrong with my bill. I dialed the number listed, and was astonished. I got the strangest recording. It said, “You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial.”

~~~

Luck is when opportunity knocks and you answer.

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Another great day!

“If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one.”

Cavett Robert

 good-morning

I benefit from selective memory. I generally only remember the good times and while I have had some really bad times they slip away quickly. One of the benefits of this phenomenon is that when I am down I know that is only temporary and better things are just ahead. I treat health and other problems as events that I cannot change but I can deal with them without letting them bog me down knowing what every they are they are just temporary setbacks. I am just like everyone else as I often have a disappointment but I don’t let them wreck my day.

How about you? If you would like to deal with what might take you down then read what author Elizabeth Scott suggests below.

 

Having A Bad Day? Here’s How To Turn A Bad Day Around!

We’ve all had bad days. And often-times, a day that starts out bad just keeps getting worse, snowballing into a really bad day. This is a common experience–the long day’s journey into stress and frustration; we’ve all been there.

There are actually several reasons for this. Sometimes there’s a ‘domino effect’ with negative events, where one bad thing leads to another. So what can be done to keep ‘one of those days’ from continuing on as ‘one of those days’? Here are some ideas that have worked for me:

Talk To A Good Friend

Here, the emphasis is on good. Trying to find support from someone with poor listening skills or who really doesn’t want to support you can make you feel worse, as can someone who will engage in co-rumination instead of trying to help you pull out of things. (The best balance is someone who will listen to your feelings, empathize, and then help you look at things you may be missing or help you get into a new frame of mind in another way. Sometimes even the listening and empathizing can help you pull out of things on your own.)

Take a Mini-Meditation Break

Meditation can be a great tool for helping people get into a different frame of mind. Even a 5- or 10-minute meditation can give you a needed break from what’s stressing you and help you come back with a new perspective and a fresh start. It can also turn off your stress response you you’re physiologically back to normal.

Count Your Blessings

Gratitude has some wonderful benefits for stress management and well-being. It’s also hard to focus on how bad things are when you’re focusing on how good things are! Counting off 10 or more things you’re grateful for, or really dwelling on 2 or 3, can get you into a whole different place, and turn a bad day around!

Work it Out

I love to work things out with a good workout–the burst of endorphins and the ability to blow off steam can take the negative energy out of my day, even if the workout is only for a few minutes. And getting more fit is a good thing, too!

Accept The Challenge!

One piece of perspective that can make an enormous difference in your experience of stressors is your locus of control–whether or not you view your situation as a ‘threat’ or as a ‘challenge’. It may seem clear-cut which you’re experiencing, but a mild shift in how you view things can actually help you go from feeling trapped and overwhelmed to feeling invigorated and vital. And the best thing about this one is that you can try it under virtually all circumstances, quickly, and with no additional outside-of-yourself resources needed!

~~~

It’s never too late, in fiction or in life, to revise.

Nancy Thayer

~~~

“What’s the usual tip?” a man growled when, Jason, a college boy delivered his pizza.

“Well,” Jason replied, “this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I’d be doing great.”

“Is that so?” grunted the man. “In that case, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” Jason said, “I’ll put it in my college fund.”

“By the way, what are you studying?”  questioned the man.

Jason replied, “Reverse psychology…”

~~~

“By the time we hit fifty, we have learned our hardest lessons. We have found out that only a few things are really important. We have learned to take life seriously, but never ourselves.”

Marie Dressler

~~~

A golfer who was well into his golden years had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California, the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast. It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the water. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.

One year he went out to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer. Before he hit it, however, a powerful voice from above said: WAIT … REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL. He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: WAIT … STEP BACK … TAKE A PRACTICE SWING. So he stepped back and took a practice swing. The voice boomed out again: TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING. He did. Silence followed. Then the voice spoke out again: PUT BACK THE OLD BALL.

~~~

A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives.  In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”

~~~

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.  The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.  So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!

“The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”

The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.  Clearly you’re mistaken.  After all my other leg feels just fine.”

“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”

“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”

~~~

It is always a good day to be grateful for all of life – grateful for large blessings and small.  Especially to be grateful for the symbolic blessings – the rainbows and butterflies that come into our lives when we least expect and most need them.

Jonathan Lockwood Huie

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

I was happy then and I am happy now

“How quick and rushing life can sometimes seem, when at the same time it’s so slow and sweet and everlasting.”

Graham Swift

 Good+Old+Days

This will be a short week for the Daily since Ray will be out of commission starting Wednesday morning as he begins his short stay in the hospital with an expected rapid recovery which will result in bringing the Daily back soon. I have been looking forward to getting this done and returning to getting back into action rejuvenated. If you miss the Daily during its short hiatus there are abot 1700 back issues stored at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ they don’t go back to the first editions which were published in 2000 but there are enough stored to offer a wide variety thoughts.

I was visiting with an old friend the other day and we reminisced about what life was like when we were kids and it reminded me of the following poem that I saved a few years ago. My life has never been better but there was a lot to like about the simpler days of yesterday too.

Trip down Memory Lane

A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street.

A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone,

And no need for recording things, someone was always home.

 

We only had a living room where we would congregate,

Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,

When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine.

 

We only had one TV set and channels maybe two,

But always there was one of them with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,

And if you wanted flavor there was Lawson’s onion dip.

 

Store bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook,

And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker’s book.

The snacks were even healthy with the best ingredients,

There was no label with a hundred things that made no sense.

 

Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play,

We all did things together even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips depending on the weather,

No one stayed at home because we liked to be together.

 

Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own,

But we knew where the others were without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,

And nothing could compare to watching movies from your car.

 

Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season,

Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together with the friends you know,

Have real action playing ball and no game video.

 

Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,

And didn’t need insurance or a lawyer to defend,

The way that he took care of you or what he had to do,

Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you.

 

Remember going to the store and shopping casually,

And when you went to pay for it you used your own money.

Nothing that you had to slide or punch in some amount,

Remember when the cashier person had to really count?

 

Remember when we breathed the air it smelled so fresh and clean,

And chemicals were not used on the grass to keep it green.

The milkman and the bread man used to go from door to door,

And it was just a few cents more than going to the store.

~~~

“There are a few moments in your life when you are truly and completely happy, and you remember to give thanks. Even as it happens you are nostalgic for the moment, you are tucking it away in your scrapbook.”

David Benioff

~~~

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest. Looking at them, the wife said to her husband “I don’t know whether to watch them or the game.”

Husband said, “Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball.”

~~~

How many weeks are there in a light year?

~~~

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any again.” Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, “That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.”

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, “Never, never, never, never say we don’t have something.  If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way.  Now, what was it she asked about?”

And the clerk said, “Muggings in the parking lot.”

~~~

Experience teaches us that there is a small but important difference between keeping your chin up and sticking your neck out.

~~~

A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver’s license exam.

She handles most of the maneuvers quite well.  However, she has a little trouble parallel parking, and winds up a about a foot from the curb.

“Could you get a little closer?” the examiner asks.

The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner and asks, “OK, sir. Now what?”

~~~

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

~~~

She said: Working as a court reporter, I hear to a lot of testimony that you won’t hear on LAW AND ORDER, including the following give-and-take between the judge and a mother during a paternity suit.

Judge: “Was this child born out of wedlock?”

Mother: “No, sir, just outside of Louisville.”

~~~

If you do your best while practicing kindness, if you appreciate what you have and enjoy the blessings in your life, if you care for your friends and family and if you realize that there is more right than wrong in your world than these will be your good old days tomorrow.

Ray

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Do I know the real you?

I feel that the simplicity of life is just being yourself.

Bobby Brown

 BeYourself

This has been a full week so far. Some of it required more energy that I currently have available so I have been physically challenged a few times, hopefully next week’s hospital stay will recharge my batteries. I even have been back on my exercise schedule, not so much due to self-discipline but more out of fear of my Wellness Coach Julia who has returned from an extended sick leave. She never threatens bodily harm if I don’t stay on schedule she just implies it.

As you know I benefit from the wisdom that Marc and Angel Chernoff provide me almost daily. Today as an example Angel sent a copy of her Happiness Quotes to Change the Way You Think. I liked a number of them and so I have provided them below.

Happiness Quotes to Change the Way You Think

  • It only takes one person to make you happy and change your life:  YOU.
  • Stop focusing on how stressed you are and remember how blessed you are.  It could be so much worse.
  • It is not what happens to you, but how you respond to what happens to you.  Count your blessings while others are adding up their troubles.
  • When you smile about the life you live, you end up living a life worth smiling about.
  • Remember, social comparison is the thief of happiness.  You could spend a lifetime worrying about what others have, but it wouldn’t get you anything.
  • Happiness comes more easily when you feel good about yourself without feeling the need for anyone else’s approval.
  • Set an example. Treat everyone with kindness and respect, even those who are rude to you – not because they are nice, but because you are.
  • Give as much as you can, but don’t allow yourself to be used.  Listen to others closely, but don’t lose your own voice.
  • You can’t change how people treat you or what they say about you.  All you can do is change how you react and who you choose to be around.
  • When other people treat you poorly, walk away, smile and keep being YOU.  Don’t ever let someone else’s bitterness change the person you are.
  • One of the most freeing things we learn in life is that we don’t have to like everyone, everyone doesn’t have to like us, and that’s OK.
  • The unhappiest people in this world are the people who care the most about what everyone else thinks.
  • Work to create a life that feels right to YOU, not one that looks right to everyone else.
  • You can’t always wait for the perfect moment.  Sometimes you must dare to do it because life is too short to regret and wonder what could have been.
  • The most reliable way to predict the future is to create it.  Participate in life instead of just watching it pass you by.
  • As we grow older and wiser, we begin to realize what we need and what we need to leave behind.  Sometimes walking away is a step forward.
  • One of the most rewarding moments in life is when you finally find the courage to let go of what you can’t change.
  • Live simply.  Love generously.  Speak truthfully.  Breathe deeply.  Do your best.  Leave everything else to the powers above you.
  • The trick is to enjoy your life today.  Don’t wish it away by waiting for better days ahead.
  • Pay attention to the little things, because when you really miss “the good old days,” you miss the little things the most, like just laughing with someone special.

~~~

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

Dr. Seuss

~~~

Church bulletin bloopers:

This Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

~~~

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

~~~

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Jimmy, either come inside or stay outside!'”

~~~

“Growing up, my Mom always claimed to feel bad when a bird would slam head-first into our living room window. If she *really* felt bad, though, she’d have moved the bird feeder outside.”

Rich Johnson

~~~

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.  And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.  Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too!”

~~~

If I save the whales, where do I keep them?

~~~

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” he wrote, “No.”

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was “Why?”

The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”

~~~

There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother’s age.

~~~

After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. “All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall.” Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained. He looked at the officer and sincerely said, “Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, serge.”

~~~

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

Friedrich Nietzsche

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

You gotta keep laughing

After God created the world, He made man and woman.  Then, to keep the whole thing from collapsing, He invented humor.

Bill Kelly

laugh

They just discovered that I have a urinary tract infection so I am now on high powered antibiotics as an add-on to my next week’s surgery count down. I told a friend at a meeting yesterday that I just treated the news as just another event in my life and that I have had so many health and other setbacks that turned out well that I just don’t let the stuff bother me.

Part of the secret is to keep smiling. As you know the Daily is written for folks who want to start their day on the upbeat. I bet you think I put the jokes in just for you all but in reality I find searching for humor to share is therapeutic; I love the chuckles, belly laughs, and guffaws that I get each day as roam the net looking for something for us. You can’t sneeze with your eyes open and I also never feel bad if I am laughing.

Elizabeth Scott, M.S., wrote an article entitled The Stress Management and Health Benefits of Laughter that seems to validate what I have learned. Here is part of what she wrote.

 

Health Benefits of Laughter

Research has shown that the health benefits of laughter are far-ranging. While more studies need to be done, studies so far have shown that laughter can help relieve pain, bring greater happiness, and even increase immunity. Unfortunately, however, many people don’t get enough laughter in their lives.

Stress Management Benefits of Laughter:

•Hormones: Laughter reduces the level of stress hormones. It also increases the level of health-enhancing hormones. Laughter increases the number of antibody-producing cells we have working for us, and enhances the effectiveness of T cells. All this means a stronger immune system, as well as fewer physical effects of stress.

•Physical Release:  Have you ever felt like you “have to laugh or I’ll cry”? Have you experienced the cleansed feeling after a good laugh? Laughter provides a physical and emotional release.

•Internal Workout:  A good belly laugh exercises the diaphragm, contracts the abs and even works out the shoulders, leaving muscles more relaxed afterward. It even provides a good workout for the heart.

•Distraction:  Laughter brings the focus away from anger, guilt, stress and negative emotions in a more beneficial way than other mere distractions.

•Social Benefits of Laughter:  Laughter connects us with others. Just as with smiling and kindness, most people find that laughter is contagious, so if you bring more laughter into your life, you can most likely help others around you to laugh more, and realize these benefits as well.

How To Use Laughter: Laughter is one of my all-time favorite stress management strategies because it’s free, convenient, and beneficial in so many ways. You can get more laughter in your life with the following strategies:

•Laugh With Friends:  Going to a movie or comedy club with friends is a great way to get more laughter in your life. The contagious effects of laughter may mean you’ll laugh more than you otherwise would have during the show, plus you’ll have jokes to reference at later times.

•Find Humor In Your Life:  Instead of complaining about life’s frustrations, try to laugh about them. If something is so frustrating or depressing it’s ridiculous, realize that you could ‘look back on it and laugh. Approach life in a more mirthful way and you’ll find you’re less stressed about negative events, and you’ll achieve the health benefits of laughter.

Ray’s note: I found no evidence that you can laugh off part of your rear end but try to do it anyway I know you will feel better.

~~~

Humor is a reminder that no matter how high the throne one sits on, one sits on one’s bottom.

Taki

~~~

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” he explained. “It took us awhile to find a new pilot.”

~~~

A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead.

~~~

A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. ‘What are those knives doing in your car?’ asked the officer. ‘I juggle them in my act.’ ‘Oh yeah?’ says the cop. ‘Let’s see you do it.’ So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, ‘Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!’

~~~

“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.”

Robert Benchley

~~~

MACK THE SLICE, the notorious duffer, unwound on the first tee and sent a high drive far off to the right. The ball sailed through an open window, and figuring no damage had been done, Mack played on.

On the eighth hole a police officer walked up to Mack and asked, ‘Did you hit a ball through that window?’

‘Yes I did.’

‘Well, it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, who raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to the hospital. And all because you sliced the ball’.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Mack apologized. ‘Is there anything I can do?’

‘Well,’ the cop replied, ‘try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit.’

~~~

A real friend is a person who, when you’ve made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.

~~~

The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago.

The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In, Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970s, when the oil shortage occurred.

They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the 1930s at 20¢ a barrel. They, of course, sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.

One of the students put up his hand and said, “Excuse me, sir, but that doesn’t sound very ethical to me.”

To which the professor replied, “You’re in the wrong class, son. This is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall.”

~~~

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

Bill Cosby

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

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