Ray's musings and humor

Archive for April, 2007

Home from the sea

“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm”

 

 

I am back in the US after a memorable couple of weeks at sea and a long flight home. This was truly the cruise to remember. We left Florida on a Sunday night and set out for the eight day Atlantic crossing to Ireland. It was not long after we left that the seas started to rise beginning three days of major storms. At one point the gale winds were over 70 miles-per-hour (113 KM) and the swells more than 40 feet (12 meters). The ship rolled to the extent that crystal, liquor, and other breakables were tossed from the shelves in the shops requiring them to stay closed for cleanup. The Captain’s welcoming reception was delayed a couple of days so that he could stay on the bridge. The production show scheduled for the second day was cancelled because it was too dangerous for the dancers to do their thing on a pitching stage. Of course many of the passengers got sea sick and everything scheduled above decks was also cancelled. I was OK, I got plenty of rest and read a couple of books.

 

Once the weather got better and the seas relatively calm I started to experience some intestinal problems which required me to take some stomach medicine and to go on a very restricted diet. I’ll tell you it is not easy watching everyone else at the table eat sumptuous five course meals while I sipped water and ate broth.

 

We finally made it to Cork, Ireland only to be greeted by 30 mph winds (48 KM) and driving rains. The weather kept us aboard until after lunch when we left on a bus tour to Blarney. We enjoyed the trip visited the Blarney Woolen Mill, bought some stuff and headed back to the ship. The next morning we anchored in an English harbor at Falmouth about 5 miles (8KM) from shore. I had taken a turn for the worse so I stayed aboard ship while the others braved the long ride to shore in fairly heavy seas. I ended up in the ships clinic getting blood work, an IV of fluids and electrolytes, and was put on an even stricter diet. Fortunately I recovered enough to visit the cliffs on the French sea coast the next day and spend a few hours at a seaside village. Then it was on to Belgium where we had a great day in Brugge one of my favorite places in the world. I was even able to eat that night. The next morning we landed in Amsterdam, took a short tour and then a long couple of plane rides back to Indiana.

 

As I said it was a truly memorable trip. But in spite of it all I am glad we went. We had great tablemates who are now new friends. We saw some sights, had a few good meals, and best of all made it home again. Oh yes, I forgot to tell you, my shipboard medical bill was $640.

~~~

“If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people together to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea”

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

~~~

There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South. One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items. This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears. Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself. "Are you a Quaker"? he asked as he was trying to ring up the merchandise.

"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.

"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You’re really a real Quaker?"

The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker."

"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.

The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up. As clerk finished ringing up the sale he said, "Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?"

The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy. The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply. The man said, "Screw Thee."

~~~

Don’t be afraid that your life will end. Be afraid that it will never begin.

Unknown

~~~

At a fancy reception a young man was asked by a widow to guess her age. "You must have some idea," she urged when he hesitated.

"I have several ideas," he admitted with a smile, "the trouble is that I don’t know whether to make it ten years younger because of your looks or ten years older because of your intelligence."

~~~

A husband answered the phone, "No, I’m afraid she’s not in at the moment. Who shall I say was going to listen?"

~~~

My cardiologist had bad news for me: "You’re going to need a pacemaker."

Later, the nurse filling out the admission form began to ask me the standard questions: "Have you ever had mumps, measles, etc.?"

Seeing how upset I was, she put down the clipboard and took my hand. "Don’t worry. This kind of heart problem is easily fixed, and your life will be much better as a result."

I felt reassured until she continued with, "Do you have a living will?"

~~~

"What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to."

Hansell B. Duckett

~~~

Jake had proposed to young Gina, and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Jake, "I’m sure I am."

"Think carefully now," said Gina’s father. "There are twelve of us…"

~~~

A study published in "Neurology" says people who snore are more prone to getting headaches. No reason is given. But could it be on account of their spouses hitting them in the head all night long trying to get them to stop snoring?

~~~

Sign seen on a plastic surgeon’s window: "Come in and pick your nose!"

~~~

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

~~~

Better to lose a lover, than love a loser.

~~~

A newspaper editor received this note from a reader:

"My wife was about to file for a divorce when she read the article in your paper about the importance of giving second chances in making a marriage work. So she changed her mind about the divorce. Effective today, cancel my subscription to your paper"

~~~

The best way to keep good acts in memory is to refresh them with new.

Marcus Cato

~~~

A memorable tombstone

Harry Edsel Smith

Born 1903–Died 1942

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.

It was.

(Albany, New York)

~~~

"It is literally true that you can succeed best and quickest by helping others to succeed."

Napoleon Hill

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

We shall return

"Once you have traveled, the voyage never ends, but is played out over and over again in the quietest chambers.

The mind can never break off from the journey."

Pat Conroy

 

 

Notice

The dailies staff, Managing Editor (Ray), Head Writer (Ray), Layout Designer (Ray) and Circulation Manager (Ray), is currently packing to leave for a couple of weeks on the high seas with a few stops in Western Europe. This afternoon will be spent cleaning the presses, forwarding the phones, arraigning for security, and taking care of other housekeeping items. The Daily will reappear in a few weeks, prepared by a revitalized staff.

~~~

Yep, I am packing up to go across the bounding main to visit Ireland, England, France, Belgium, ending up in the Netherlands. This will be my first time in Ireland and we will hang out in Cork. The balance of the trip will be to countries I have visited before, but this time I am skipping the big cities, no Paris, no London, and no Brussels. Rather I will be touring the country sides with some visits to smaller towns and villages.

 

All that will be rewarding but I expect the highlight of the trip will be the people I meet and the new friends I make. This will be my 25th cruise and I expect as always it will be the fond memories of the people I have met along the way that will linger. Of course days filled with rest, no demands, lots of reading, good food and entertainment, and big winnings at the ships casino make the trip even better.

 

So my friends, wherever you are in the world I expect you to:

·         Be kind

·         Smile a lot

·         Have fun

·         Do something you never have before

·         And only get into minor trouble

 

If you feel a warm glow during the day you’ll know it is just me giving mental hugs. See you when I get back. Ray

~~~

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

Mark Twain

~~~

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker’s technical support line for assistance…

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: There’s smoke coming from the power supply on my computer…

Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply…

Customer: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files…

Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it…

Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command…

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician’s efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded…

Technician: I’m sorry. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there’s an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem…

Customer: I knew it!

Technician: Just add the line ‘LOAD NOSMOKE.DLL’ at the end of the CONFIG file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes…

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer…

Customer: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking…

Technician: Well, what version of Windows are you using?

Customer: Windows XP…

Technician: Well, that’s your problem. That version of Windows doesn’t include NOSMOKE. You’ll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out…

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…

Customer: I need a new power supply…

Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply…

Technician: What did he tell you?

Customer: He said my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE…

~~~

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

Emo Philips

~~~

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.  

Judge: And why is that?  

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.  

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?  

Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor, what did you say?  

~~~

"Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself."

Peter da Silva

~~~

Shirley:  They say that with age comes wisdom.

Mary:  Maybe; but since impotence and incontinence also come with age, it hardly seems like a fair trade-off.

~~~

The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes.

Benjamin Disraeli

~~~

Reasons to Go to Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"  

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.  

3. "I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."  

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.  

5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.  

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.  

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.  

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.  

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.  

10. No one steals your chair.  

11. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.  

~~~

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age." Robert Frost

~~~

A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at every bite she took. Finally she took a small piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.

"Speak!" she said to the dog.

The dog says, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know what to say!"

~~~

"If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay at home."

James Michener

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

So much to do!

“The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.”

Ralph W. Sockman

 

 

My fingers are so sore from picking up and tying up so many loose ends in preparation for closing down Ray’s daily for a couple of weeks that I am again going to cheat and revisit the past. So give me a minute while I search back in the archives to see what was in the daily on April 12th in years gone by. OK, here is what I found. Read on, I am going to go take a nap.

~~~

April 12, 2004

If you should see David Letterman today tell him happy birthday from me will you. Besides being a favorite son of ours here in Indiana, he also raised a super mother. Dorothy is a Kiwanis member and a top fund-raiser for our Kiwanis Worldwide Service project. She has held book signings for her cookbook all over our state and beyond. She then donated the proceeds to the Kiwanis effort to virtually eliminate the worlds leading preventable cause of mental retardation, Iodine Deficiency. I had the good fortune to have dinner with her a few years ago in Montreal and loved both her warmth and sense of humor. The thousands of dollars she has contributed to our effort have helped hundreds of thousands of kids in need. Thanks Dorothy.

 

April 12, 2006

I have made a decision. I have listened to everyone who says I should hate the immigrant, the Muslim, the Jew, the Arab, the homeless, the poor, the politicians, and all the other enemies that someone else has chosen for me. I have decided that’s not for me. I am going to think of everyone as my friend unless he treats me otherwise. I don’t have the time or the inclination to spend all my time waiting for everyone else to prove that they are not like all the people we are told to hate.

When I think back and remember all the kindnesses that I have experienced I find some of the most appreciated were the ones given by a black, a Jew, a Mexican, a Russian, an Arab, and others, people that some would tell us were not worth our friendship. I have traveled far and wide and everywhere I have gone I have met people who are just like you and me, people that want to be happy, want to be loved, and just want to be a friend. Like us, people are individuals, sure I am an American, but I am also someone who enjoys life to the best of my ability, appreciate all that others have given me, do all I can to make life comfortable for my family, and I try to be kind. I really don’t think I am much different than the friends I have yet to meet. I need all the friends I can get and am not about to exclude someone because I have been told that it is only someone who looks like me, talks like me, and believes like me has any value. And you know what? If the truth be known the only people I really abhor are those who tell us who to hate.

~~~

The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile…it’s the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

A middle-aged man wasn’t feeling well, so he went to the doctor for a check up.  After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "Well, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking."

The man said, "Well, to be honest with you Doc, I don’t deserve the best. What’s the second best?"

~~~

If you want to catch beasts you don’t see everyday,

You have to go places quite out-of-the-way.

You have to go places no others can get to.

You have to get cold, and you have to get wet, too.

— Dr. Seuss

~~~

Isn’t the only time a woman wishes she were a year older be when she is expecting a baby?

~~~

Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine… except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour!

~~~

A fool and his money are never around when you need them.

~~~

An elderly lady was known for her faith and her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "Praise the Lord!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get angry at her proclamations and he would shout, "There ain’t no Lord!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed to God to send her some assistance… She stood on her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord…God I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."

The next morning the lady went out on her porch, noted a large bag of groceries and she shouted, "Praise the Lord." The neighbor jumped up from behind a bush and said, "Ha ha.. I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries. God didn’t."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "Praise the Lord. He not only sent me groceries but He made the devil pay for them. PRAISE THE LORD."

~~~

"This is a new dress. Do you like it? It’s from my favorite designer, On Sale."

Rita Rudner

~~~

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."

~~~

Doing nothing is tiring, ‘cuz you can’t take a break!

~~~

The owner of a golf course in West Virginia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some  mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the West Virginia University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

~~~

"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."

Franklin P. Jones

~~~

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students’ written work. She wasn’t sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What’s the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again… "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter…"

~~~

Our small efforts at kindness can change people’s lives more than we will ever know.

Since it takes so little time and energy to change the world for the better, why not make an effort to do it every day?

Pat Williams

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

It was on this day

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds – they mature slowly.

Peter De Vries

 

 

It was a heck of a year. It was the year the US Department of Health, Education and Welfare (HEW) was established. Eisenhower was president and the Korean War was winding down.

The first issue of TV Guide was published; it was also the first time a west-to-east jet transatlantic nonstop flight took place. Some of our favorite songs where Vaya Con Dios by Les Paul & Mary Ford, Rags to Riches by Tony Bennett, Till I Waltz Again with You by Teresa Brewer, and No Other Love by Perry Como. The television shows we watched were: I Love Lucy, The Milton Berle Show, Arthur Godfrey’s Talent Scouts, Dragnet, You Bet Your Life with Groucho Marx, The Jack Benny Show, Ed Sullivan’s The Toast of the Town, The Jackie Gleason Show, This Is Your Life, What’s My Line, Your Hit Parade, and The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show. It was the year that we first saw Roman Holiday, Shane, Stalag 17, Lili, War Of The Worlds, and From Here To Eternity at the movies. Of course the really big news was that it was on this day that my wife and I got married at the Notre Dame Chapel in New York City. I was still in the Navy at the time and left not long after on the aircraft carrier, USS Wasp ending up in the Far East at the tail end of the war.

 

A lot has happened over the years, we have seen both good and bad times, raised children who have thrived and who provided us seven super grandchildren. We basically have done alright as we have grown older together. In all honesty I don’t think I would change anything, well maybe a few of the dumb things I did, but generally nothing. My life is filled with memories of old friends, other times, and in my case a lifetime partner.

 

People often ask me what has been the secret of out marriage lasting as long as it has. Instead of giving my usual flippant answer the truth lies in what I wrote in the daily five years ago. I said my wife’ gifts to me were:

 

Being there during good times and bad.

Being there as we travel the world.

Being there as we raised infant children who became successful adults.

Being there to do things I couldn’t do.

Being there to share the enjoyment of watching our grandchildren mature.

Really just being there.

 

It is the little things that create the environment in which we live. It is the shared workloads, the shared worries, the shared joy, and the shared dreams that give life meaning. We have learned everything need not be shared, separate interests, separate hobbies, differing opinions, keep life interesting and knowing that someone is there makes life worthwhile.

 

Happy Anniversary Nancy!

~~~

“Life has taught me that respect, caring and love must be shared, for it’s only through sharing that friendships are born.”

Donna A. Favors

~~~

O’Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced with Maureen O’Riley. He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give in and go to bed with him. Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.

On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage, O’Casey said,

"You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you had gone to bed with me like all the other girls did."

"Experience is the best teacher," Maureen said. "That’s how I lost all of my other boyfriends.

~~~

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner

~~~

A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the hostess, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."

"I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the hostess replied.

"Normally, yes," the lady said.  "But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."

~~~

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I’ve done my job.

Roseanne Barr

~~~

"If you’ll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."

"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said the new husband.

"Toast and juice," she replied.

~~~

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

~~~

The generation gap quickly became apparent when I tried to discuss marriage with my daughter, who is very career oriented.  "A husband might not tolerate your ambition forever," I pointed out.  "He might become concerned about how such total dedication to a job could fit into a successful relationship."  "You don’t understand, Dad," my daughter countered.   "It’s going to be a merger, not a takeover."

~~~

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

~~~

A man and woman had been married for sixty years. They kept no secrets from each other except a shoebox the woman had in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask about.

However, one day the woman got sick and the doctor said she would not recover. The man got the shoebox and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed it was time he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000.

She said, "When we were to be married, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The old man was so moved he had to fight back tears. Only two doilies in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in sixty years. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

Oh," she said, "that’s the money I made from selling doilies."

~~~

A happy marriage perhaps represents the ideal of human relationship — a setting in which each partner, while acknowledging the need of the other, feels free to be what he or she by nature is: a relationship in which instinct as well as intellect can find expression; in which giving and taking are equal; in which each accepts the other, and I confronts Thou. 

Anthony Storr

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

Let’s do something!

After all is said and done, a lot more will have been said than done.

 

 

 

I believe my wife and some of my friends think I am an exceedingly patient person. If I have to wait for some one, stand in a long line, or spend hours in waiting room, no problem; I’ll read, meditate, or dose off. To some I am not quick enough to anger, don’t fret much, and am a demonstrable champion procrastinator. In other words mild mannered, laid back, and overly tolerant. I am now going to share a personal secret with you. It is not true, I am often extremely impatient, frustrated and in quiet discomfort. Sometimes I can’t restrain myself and am not very quiet.

 

I have always had a tendency to be a “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead” guy. I get excited by what can be or even what might be. I find that too many of us spend an inordinate amount of time, examining, debating, nay-saying, and resisting action either out of fear, laziness, or some other impediment to doing something. I sometimes think organizations need to lose their memory of the past and look at this time as a new time and what did not work before might be the very answer today. Sure I am often wrong or misguided, it is just that I prefer to find out rather than miss the opportunity to do something worthwhile. Either tell me what I don’t know or join me so we can see if we can make a difference.

 

Age has brought me the understanding that I am not the boss of anything anymore. Now if I think something can be done I either convince people to rally around the cause or accept the fact that nothing will be done. The answer for me has been to avoid situations where those wiser than me or those without the same vision dominate the decision making process. That does not mean that I am presumptuous enough to think I have all the answers, I know I don’t. But it does allow me to join with those who see a changing world with lots of problems, people who are not afraid to try to do something.

 

So like I said before, I don’t want to be boss, I don’t want to be important, I don’t want to be critically needed. What I do want is to be with people who do more than just plan to do. I don’t know about you but I know I don’t want to stand around and let some of those who are more than willing to impose their world on mine do it. If the status quo sucks, let’s you and I change the status.

~~~

The shortest answer is doing.

Lord Herbert

~~~

A beautiful young blonde woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand.  

The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.  

"Not guilty," the blonde answered emphatically.  

The prosecution council then approached the blond and said, "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf who was waving a union jack on the roof of a car, whilst traveling at over 100 mph through the centre of London, in a blizzard and you were totally nude?"  

The blonde composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said, "What was the date again?"

~~~

Speak softly and sweetly; later you may have to eat your words.

Author unknown

~~~

IMPORTANT THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT LIFE FROM MY CAT

* Life is hard and then you nap.  

* Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.  

* Variety is the spice of life:  One day ignore people, the next day annoy them and play with them when they’re busy.  

* When in doubt, cop an attitude.  

* Climb your way to the top – that’s why the drapes are there.  

* Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone’s face.  

* Make your mark in the world – or at least spray in each corner.  

* When you go out into the world, always remember, being placed on a pedestal is a right, not a privilege.  

* Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care."  

~~~

Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions.

You may have a heart of gold – but so does a hard-boiled egg.

~~~

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

………….So far I have been afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

~~~

Give some women an inch, and they’ll rearrange or redecorate it.

~~~

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store and I’d get a salami, two pints of milk, six oranges, two loaves of bread, a magazine and some new blue jeans all for a dollar!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can’t do that anymore. They got those video cameras everywhere you look."

~~~

Talk doesn’t cook rice.

Chinese Proverb

~~~

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form…

The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous. The pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Honey, just put down ‘Yes’ and be done with it!"

~~~

My Dad has a sure way to keep my Mom from buying an outfit…

When she tries it on, he says, "I love that middle-aged look it gives you."

~~~

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink.

He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you’ll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you’ll turn into a mouse."

This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget….if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"

~~~

I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act.

But I do believe in a fate that falls on man unless they act.

G.K. Chesterton

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

Come on, let’s do it!

I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.

Albert Schweitzer

 

 

 

The other day I did an outreach to some of my friends offering them a chance to volunteer some of their time to help the Salvation Army at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. The job entails four hour shifts helping to man an information booth at the speedway over the coming months as drivers practice, qualify, and then race. It got me to thinking again about the opportunity to do good works that are offered to us all.

 

Most of us provide community support via cash donations, participating in fund raising events, sponsoring walkers, buying Girl Scout cookies and the like. I think I have said it before but I would like to again make the case for what I call “Blue Collar” volunteerism; opportunities for service that only require our hands and our hearts. It may be spending an afternoon helping clean up a park, ringing bells for the Salvation Army at Christmas time, reading to kids, taking the disabled out for an afternoon, or something else, the list of what we can do is endless.

 

In my case I’ll work three or four shifts for the Salvation Army during the Indy 500 practice periods. In May I will again help at the awards ceremony at our regional Special Olympics. This summer I will help operate a food booth where money is being raised to buy clothes for needed children. Of course I also will write a few checks, sponsor walkers for good causes, and do some of the easy stuff but none of these are as rewarding as my “Blue Collar” assignments since they are more fun and provide instant the results. I’ll let you in on a secret; I especially relish meeting the people I get to work with. Shared service is the best friend finding activity I know of.

 

So my friends, trust me, get involved in a few “Blue Collar” service projects, I know you will be glad you did. If you live in Indy and want to join me in one of mine let me know. To you others, I am sorry you can’t join in the fun here but I know there is something for you where you live.

~~~

Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others, cannot keep it from themselves.

James M. Barrie

~~~

A little farmboy comes in late for school.

The teacher asks why he’s late.

The farmboy replies, "I had to take the family cow over to the neighbour’s to get her bred by a bull."

Annoyed, teacher demands, "Can’t your father do that?"

Little farmboy thinks for a moment: replies, "Well, sure… but the bull can do it better."

~~~

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

~~~

Comebacks to the age old question – "Why aren’t you married yet?"

  • You haven’t asked yet.  
  • I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.  
  • What? And spoil my great life?  
  • Because I just love hearing this question.  
  • It gives my mother something to live for.  
  • My fiance is awaiting parole.  
  • I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss America.  
  • I’m waiting until I get to be your age.  
  • It didn’t seem worth a blood test.  
  • I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.  
  • I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.  
  • What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?  
  • I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.  
  • Why aren’t you thin?  
  • I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.  

~~~

Standing still is the fastest way of moving backwards in a rapidly changing world.

Lauren Becall

~~~

A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."

Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails. Is that correct"?

"Yes," she said. "It’s our special just for today."

"Well," he said, "They must be little lobster tails."

"No," she replied, "It’s the really big lobster."

"Big red lobster tails, $5 each"? he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!"

"No, they’re definitely today’s."

"Today’s big red lobster tails, $5 each"? he repeated, astounded.

"Yes," she insisted.

"Well, here’s my five dollars," he said. "I’ll take one."

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, "Once upon a time, there was a really big, red lobster…"

~~~

Never moon a werewolf.

Mike Binder

~~~

Management always needs to have the last word. Case in point: During a meeting at our financial consulting firm, a co-worker was asked to guesstimate a realistic closing rate for the larger cases we were handling.  

"I’d have to say 20 percent," he answered.  

"No, no, no," interrupted our boss. "It’s more like one in five!"  

~~~

Notice on a conference-room door: "Self-Assertiveness Course. Please Barge In".

~~~

A few friends and I were discussing diet tips. When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake.

Someone responded with surprise that sleep was a factor.

Another replied: "Of course sleep has a lot to do with dieting. The only time I’m not eating is when I’m sleeping!"

~~~

If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

~~~

A couple had quarreled about money and gone to bed angry.

The next morning, they rose, showered, dressed and ate breakfast in silence. 

Finally, hoping to break the ice, he said, "You know, honey, I’m not myself today."

"Really?" she said.  "I hadn’t noticed the improvement."

~~~

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

~~~

Kindness is an inner desire that makes us want to do good things even if we do not get anything in return. It is the joy of our life to do them. When we do good things from this inner desire, there is kindness in everything we think, say, want and do.

Emmanuel Swedenborg

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

Stamp out the blahs

The man who doesn’t relax and hoot a few hoots voluntarily, now and then, is in great danger of hooting hoots and standing on his head for the edification of the pathologist and trained nurse, a little later on.

Elbert Hubbard

 

 

It started off as a great day, Easter greetings from all over the world, early coffee with a friend, a satisfying nap, a nice light lunch, anticipation of Sunday with my children and grandchildren. In fact I felt so good I decided it was time to quit procrastinating and do my state and federal income taxes.

 

The final product of a few hours of labor sure put a damper on the day; I ended up having to pay a few thousand more to both Washington and Indianapolis. I even must pay a penalty to the state. So I need to tell you now that you better forget that gift I was going to buy you in Europe. I hope you remember that it is the thought that counts. I guess this year I am going to have to take the estimated tax process a little more seriously.

 

I was so down with the discovery that I owed so much that I had to dip down into my archive and find an anecdote for the blahs. Since I decided to give myself the gift of tranquility I decided I should send you a copy as a seasonal gift. So here are the secrets of relief from the blahs or stress.

 

Watch a sunset. Go to the beach. Be positive.

Sing a song. Pet a dog. Tell a joke.

Listen to music. Blow bubbles. Take a nap.

Dance a jig. Take a walk. Write a letter.

Have a cup of tea. Ask for help. Smile.

Take a break. Do it now! Stretch.

Keep a journal. Hum a tune. Practice patience.

Get up early. Meditate. Do Tai Chi.

Play a drum. Prioritize. Give a hug.

Throw a ball. Play with a child. See a movie.

Plant a flower. Say "No." Set Limits.

Eat a snack. Read a book. Practice kindness.

Light a candle. Laugh out loud. Lie in the sun.

Walk in the rain. Run in the park. Talk to a friend.

Take a bubble bath. Avoid negative people. Take a deep breath.

Ask for what you need. Go to bed on time. Walk a labyrinth

Give a compliment. Clean a closet. Go barefoot.

Give a blessing. Watch a sunrise. Say a prayer.

~~~

I know I have used this quote before but it bears repeating occasionally since I think it is the secret of living a joyous life.

 

Sometimes it’s important to work for that pot of gold.  But other times it’s essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow.

Douglas Pagels

~~~

Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do problems on the blackboard that day.

"Who would like to do the first problem, addition?"

No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right.

"Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?"

Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.

"Who would like to do the third problem, division?"

Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right

"Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?"

Johnny’s hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence.

"Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?"

"The Bible says to go forth and multiply!"

~~~

I’ll believe psychics when one phones me, just in the nick of time, yelling, "Duck!"

~~~

Deep thoughts

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you’re ahead?"

* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use…toothpicks?

* If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

* Go ahead and take risks….just be sure that everything will turn out OK.

* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

* Light travels faster than sound. Maybe that’s why some people appear bright until you hear them talk….

* If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

~~~

Sign on my door: "Go ahead and knock, I’m already disturbed!"

~~~

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"  

"Well," she replied, "I just couldn’t win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."  

~~~

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

In the Midwest, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning.

In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.

The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her dazed, but unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.

"It was the darndest thing. It was the darndest thing," she kept repeating.

"What was the darndest thing, Ma’am?" asked one of the rescuers.

"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug, and the whole darned house suddenly just drained away."

~~~

There is precious little hope to be got out of whatever keeps us industrious,

But there is a chance for us whenever we cease work and become stargazers.

H.M. Tomlinson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

Oh no! It’s back.

“May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer you, those you love near you and all your heart might desire.”

Irish Blessing

 

 

As I reported the other day spring sprung here in Indianapolis very early this year with temperatures in the eighties and flowers and bushes blooming everywhere. Well obviously I angered winter because he is back with a vengeance as we are now experiencing high winds and sub-freezing weather. I am trying to find a plant psychologist as our flora is going to need a lot of counseling, that is they will if they survive. I know it will be beautiful here in a week or so as I will be on my way to Europe then.

 

Today is loaded with opportunity for service for me with little time to think so I will again dip into the daily archives and reprint a blast from the past.

~~~

April 4, 2003

 

It will be a working weekend for many of us in Indianapolis this weekend as we attend a gathering of UNICEF, US Committee for UNICEF, and Kiwanis leaders to develop a program that will make a difference in the health and welfare of millions of kids in the years ahead. I know I have told you before how fortunate I am for having a chance to participate in something as significant as our work to eliminate the world’s leading preventable cause of mental retardation, iodine deficiency disorders (IDD).

 

We have been told each $1 million we contribute to country projects results in protecting millions of people from IDD. I heard the other day that some of the smart bombs being used in the current war cost about $1 million each. It really brings home to me how much we could do if we could eliminate global conflict. Just think $1 million could help millions of kids or could be used to buy a bomb that destroys one building or kills a handful of the enemy.

 

For those of you that have helped us in the past, I thank you. Together we may not be able to raise enough money to buy a bomb or two, but we can raise enough to change the world forever as we protect children from death and disability.

~~~

The truly generous is the truly wise, and he who loves not others, lives unblest.

~ Henry Home ~

~~~

God, grant me the Senility

To forget the people

I never liked anyway,

The good fortune

To run into the ones I do,

And the eyesight

To tell the difference.

~~~

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."

~~~

She said:

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full…of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans…we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves…and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself…and your chins follow suit.

You become more reflective in mid-life.  You start pondering the "big" questions — what is life, why am I here…how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?

~~~

I’m planning to retire and live off my savings. What I’ll do the second day, I have no idea.

~~~

"Zen Judaism"

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. If that doesn’t work, try small-claims court.

The Torah says, "Love they neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So maybe you’re off the hook.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But first, a little nosh.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

~~~

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

~~~

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "’Bout what?"

~~~

You’re not a kid anymore when …

The only reason you’re awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion.

You are proud of your lawnmower.

8 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in."

People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?"

Your high school diploma is the color of buttermilk.

Nobody ever tells you to slow down.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

~~~

"Live so that you wouldn’t mind selling your pet parrot to the town gossip."

Will Rogers

~~~

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife’s birthday and their anniversary.

He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed,

"Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly,

"Nice flowers, honey. Where’d you get them?"

~~~

Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they might have been.

William Hazlitt

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

Howdy Neighbor

“I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor.

Do you know your next door neighbor?”

Mother Teresa

 

 

 

One of the neat things about the daily is that it shrinks the globe for me. The world becomes my neighborhood and I get to hear from people who have given the gift of their friendship. It gets even better when a neighbor leans across the fence and share something that they value. Recently Lucretia in New Zealand did just that and shared these “Eight Friendship Gifts.” I thought I would share them with you since in my opinion if we follow her advice magic things will happen.

 

THE GIFT OF LISTENING…

But you must REALLY listen. No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response. Just listening.

 

THE GIFT OF AFFECTION…

Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends.

 

THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER…

Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."

 

THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE…

It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life

 

THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT…

A simple and sincere, "You look great in red," "You did a super job" or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone’s day.

 

THE GIFT OF A FAVOR…

Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.

 

THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE…

There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.

 

THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION…

The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone, really it’s not that hard to say, Hello or Thank You.

~~~

“The capacity for getting along with our neighbor depends to a large extent on the capacity for getting along with ourselves. The self-respecting individual will try to be as tolerant of his neighbor’s shortcomings as he is of his own.”

Eric Hoffer

~~~

A young boy refused to do his homework, and his father was trying to convince him to do it.  

He said to his son: "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."  

The son replied:  

"Well, when Lincoln was your age, he was President!" 

~~~

Giving away baby clothes and furniture is a major cause of pregnancy.

~~~

COLLEGE CLICHES IN HORROR MOVIES:

Most of the students are always way too stupid to be in college.  

The big time jocks are always the first to go, so brawn does not matter.  

If you are a blonde with big breasts, don’t get naked or you’re a goner.  

Never go exploring in that creepy deserted building.  

Avoid any college with asylums or prisons near by.  

Stick with the brainy wallflower, she usually ends up surviving.  

Never take a shower if you have seen dead bodies, even if you are covered in blood.  

If there is a medical school nearby, avoid the morgue.  

If you are in a Frat or Sorority, beware of any recently rejected pledges, especially if they were released from a nearby asylum.  

Campus Police are pretty much on the level of Keystone Kops.  

Never stay in the dorms during extended holidays.  

~~~

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.

Robert Frost

~~~

An old gent moved into a retirement community where good-looking, eligible men are at a premium.

After he had been there for a week he went to confession and said, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. Last week I had my way with seven different women."

The priest said, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?" asked the man.

"No," replied the priest, "but it’ll wipe that grin off your face."

~~~

Clichés are a dime a dozen.

~~~

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard the following announcement from the captain, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean."

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the captain’s next announcement.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency, and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane, and all the swimmers are on the right side."

After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain’s request. Two minutes later, the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.

The captain once again made an announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.

For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane, "Thank You For Flying Lufthansa."

~~~

Okay! I love you! Now can we eat?

~~~

You are aware of online gambling? Well, Congress is looking into it.

There’s going to be a massive congressional investigation of online gambling and they’re going to shut it down. And when they get done with that, they’re going to look into this North Korean thing.

~~~

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

~~~

Kindness is tenderness. Kindness is love, but perhaps greater than love…

Kindness is good will. Kindness says, "I want you to be happy.

Randolph Ray

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

Let’s go pick daisies

“If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.”

Nadine Stair

 

 

I get confused sometimes. For example the courts say that we cannot limit spending on political speech because that would be an infringement on free speech. So that means the more money I get the more free speech I can buy. If free speech cost money how can it be free? So if I can’t afford much free speech I guess I will have less chance of being heard. I guess that means that some of us are more fee to speak than others. Go figure.

 

And another thing, all my life they told me that April showers bring May flowers. Since there are flowers in bloom all over right now, is it really May? Is this one of those spring saving things where we were supposed to move the calendar forward a month? If it is I wish they would of told me and at what time and on what day to do it. I sometimes think life is getting too complicated.

 

Thank goodness that others can at least help me plan the next 30 days no matter what month it is, as this is:

Multicultural Communication Month – Talk to a young person learn about other cultures. Maybe if we knew more about theirs we would better understand whatever it is they are trying to say.

National Anxiety Month – I find it difficult sometimes to limit my anxiety to only one month a year and let me tell you that makes me real nervous.

National Fresh Celery Month – Does this mean they expect us to eat wilted celery the rest of the year, I’ll tell you right now I am not going to do that.

National Humor Month – This is serious, there is nothing funny about honoring humor.

National Occupational Therapy Month – Since I have no occupation you can have my appointment.

National Weight Loss Month – I would really appreciate it if you would not tell my wife about this one, she is on my case enough already.

Sexual Assault Awareness Month – I am not sure at my age if something like that happened if I should angry or grateful, in any case if it ever happened I think I would be aware. Other than that sexual assault is not funny at all and can destroy the victim for life, we owe it to everyone to keep our communities as safe as we can.

 

So my friends no matter what the calendar may say, this month is our month, let’s do some good, have some fun, and enjoy our lives. And like Nadine suggested let’s kick of our shoes and dance, I’ll meet you at the merry-go-round, I’ll be the guy with the bouquet of Daisies.

~~~

“Spring has returned. The Earth is like a child that knows poems.”

Rainer Maria Rilke

~~~

Laws of Life

Murphy’s First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Kauffman’s Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Miller’s Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you’ll want to be doing something else.

Weiner’s Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

Isaac’s Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Lampner’s Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

~~~

A wise man once said, "If you want to watch the world passing you by, just try driving the speed limit."

Lawrence Brotherton

~~~

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona.

"It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction.

"The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

~~~

Sometimes being in the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

~~~

Ten Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work

10. You have developed Repetitive Stress Disorder from playing Solitare.

9. You’ve actually figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

8. People only come to your office to borrow pencils from the ceiling.

7. In an effort to exercise your creative side you knit a computer cozy.

6. You create an on-going email dialog with your computer at home.

5. No longer content with merely photo-copying your butt, you now scan it and enhance it using Photoshop.

4. After months of taking frequent breaks, you now only require a single can of coke to belch the names of all seven dwarves.

3. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

2. The 18-hole 3 par mini-golf course in your office.

1. The 4th Division of Paper Clips has overrun the Push pin Infantry and General White-Out has called for a new skirmish.

~~~

Failure seldom stops you; what stops you is the fear of failure.

Jack Lemmon

~~~

This scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg, South Africa and London, England. A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air hostess.

"You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."

"Be calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."

The hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. "Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the Economy Class.

I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the Business Class. All the same, we still have one place in the First Class."

Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued. "It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the Economy Class to sit in the First Class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone sooooo disgusting."

She turned to the black guy, and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in First Class."

~~~

“No kind action ever stops with itself. One kind action leads to another. Good example is followed. A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees. The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves.”

Amelia Earhart

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

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