Ray's musings and humor

Retirement

Ray’s Daily

January 5, 2023

http://rays-daily.com

A person can stand almost anything except a succession of ordinary days.

Johann Wolfgang Von Goeth

Ray’s Daily first published on January 5, 2005

As you know I really retired for good this last time, after years of retiring and un-retiring. Since then I have found things were not as I expected. All this talk of leisure and freedom are a myth, at least in my case. Once you start to see contemporaries pass on you start to question your own immortality and how you will spend the time that is left. That fact, coupled with a lifetime of saved up things to learn and things to do, makes it mandatory that we don’t wait to get on with the rest of our life. Even though there is much to do, more than  will ever get done, it can be the best time of our life. In my case I also find that I have the freedom not to conform. While there is still some value in not making too much an ass of myself, if for no other reason than to spare friends and loved ones embarrassment, I find that there is a lot to be said for letting yourself go.

My advice to anyone who has yet to reach their golden years is, don’t wait! There is so much to learn and so much to do that you may not get time to do it all if you don’t start soon.

For those of you who are already in the midst of your golden years, I hope you are having as much fun as I am. If not, shame on you. If you are, let’s play! And oh by the way, the naps are great!

~~~

It was the first day of school; many new teachers and even more new students, filled the building quickly. As the principal made his rounds to check in on each class, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms down the hall. He quickly rushed down the corridor, opened the door where he heard the noise coming from, & walked in. Right away he spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise.  Despite the boy’s reluctance to move, the principal seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused. No and’s, if’s, or but’s about it! Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and then proceeded to lecture the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior.

“Now,” he said,” are there any questions before I leave?”

“One girl stood up timidly.  “Please sir,” she asked, “May we have our teacher back?”

“Well, I don’t see why not.”  Looking around the class, he says, “And…just…. where… exactly… is your teacher?”

“He’s the one out in the hall, sir.”

~~~

I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.

Franklin P. Adams

~~~

This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their standards:

They’re still laughing about this at IBM.  Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project.  In the specifications, they stated that they will only accept three defective parts per 10,000.

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter.  It said, “We Japanese had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment.  Hope this pleases you.”

~~~

Live your life so that when you die, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

~~~

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city.

One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”

“Two days ago.”

“Hmm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over.

In May, he’ll be an engineer.”

“What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”

“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”

“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”

“He’s taking every penny I make.”

“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”

“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”

“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”

“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”

~~~

She asked me, What Do You Call A Woman That Works Like A Man??

Her answer was, a Lazy Bitch.

~~~

An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the ‘newly arrived’ area. There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first, and disappears.

The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses.

The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position. He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two.

The pilot says, “I wanted door number three!”

“Sorry,” replies the devil, “that’s ‘flight attendant’s hell’.”

~~~

Don’t borrow trouble.  Be patient and you’ll soon have some of your own.

~~~

Carolyn shares more of her household hints:

I don’t do windows because…  I love birds and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don’t wax floors because…  I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I’ll feel terrible and they may sue me.

I don’t mind the dust bunnies because…  They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don’t disturb cobwebs because…  I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don’t Spring Clean because…  I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous.

I don’t pull weeds in the garden because…  I don’t want to get in God’s way, he is an excellent designer.

I don’t put things away because.  My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because…  I don’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don’t iron because…  I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press”.

I don’t stress much on anything because…  “A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty old woman!!!!

~~~

The great thing about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.

~~~

A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet, and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.

The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.

The man shrugs his shoulders and pounds him hard.

Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes…. “Taa-Daa!”

~~~

When the door of happiness closes, another opens,

But often times we look so long at the closed door that we don’t see the one which has been opened for us.

~~~

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