Ray's musings and humor

Archive for June, 2008

Good foir you Diana!

There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you.

David Burns

 

 

It’s another one of those days, I have no idea what I’ll write but here goes anyway, and we’ll be surprised together.

First I guess I should report on what I have lost over the past few days. The technology gods continued to challenge my skill and my pocket book. Saturday I had no computer info on my display so I called my friendly Indian Dell guy who I must admit had patience with my inability to easily understand English. As we proceeded to pull that and poke this it became obvious that my flat screen monitor had died. He also let me know that the warrantee extension I bought a few years ago ran out three weeks ago, which of course is the reason it waited to fail until now. So off I go to my local Dell outlet and was able to get a new wide flat screen monitor for a couple of hundred dollars. With the upgraded firmware for my GPS, a new Keyboard, a new Blackberry phone and this latest purchase I hope I have sacrificed enough to technology for awhile.

I also learned on Saturday that one of the people who has allowed me to help them decide what they want to do with their lives just landed a job that will be the platform for some good things in the years ahead. She has chosen a company that provides the environment and job content that she was looking for. I am happy for her but will miss our weekly sessions. Fortunately she joins the ranks of number of my new friends who worked hard to make a midlife career change to something that makes them happy. I am lucky that these people are willing to spend the hours we take discovering what they want to do with their lives and then working out a plan that will help them realize their dreams.

The good news is that so many end up with what they want, the sad news is that there are so many that want to see what we might do together that I have a hard time seeing everyone. I have five new requests today alone which means I’ll be working with at least 10 people in the coming weeks. We usually spend a minimum of two hours once or twice a week so you can see the week fills up pretty fast. I have been successful in giving up most of my leadership positions so that I can devote as much time as possible to those who think I can help. I am often asked why I do it when I don’t ask for anything in return, my response is that I get paid by new friendships and knowing that often someone’s life is happier than it might have been had we not met.

If the truth be known most of what I do is help people understand that it is perfectly alright to be themselves and do what makes them happy. And in almost every case these are good people just like you and they go on to do what they can to brighten the lives of others.

~~~

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.

Helen Keller

~~~

Four-year-old Little Johnny asked, "Mummy, where do babies come from?

"The stork, dear." replied Johnny’s Mom.

"Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" Asked Little Johnny.

Johnny’s mother answer, "The police, dear."

"Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?"

"The fire department, dear."

"Mummy, where does food come from?"

"Farmers, dear."

"Mummy?"

"Yes, dear?"

"What do we need Daddy for?"

~~~

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

~~~

A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

He replied, without hesitation, "No ma’am, that won’t be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don’t buy peat moss." answered the clerk.

~~~

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

~~~

In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"

The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I’m a boy baby!"

"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.

"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See…..blue booties"

~~~

Some people hate getting out of bed. I enjoy it. I do it 3-4 times a day.

~~~

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein’s theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.

"Well, Zayda, it’s sort of like this.  Einstein says that if you’re having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour.  But if you’re sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."

The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"

~~~

Each one of us can work for a small change in the world around us.

Lamar S. Smith

~~~

This guy was sitting in his attorney’s office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That’s the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can’t wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary."

~~~

"He knows so little and knows it so fluently."

Ellen Glasgow

~~~

Morris had died.

His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris’ Last Will and Testament.

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.

To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."

~~~

It ain’t necessarily so, but when people with money meet people with experience, the people with experience tend to get the money and the people with the money tend to get experience.

Joe Klock

~~~

Linda was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.

After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind.

Linda looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. She waited for the officer to come up to her car. As he did he said, "Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do… because you couldn’t catch the other cars!"

~~~

Men spend their lives in anticipations,—in determining to be vastly happy at some period when they have time. But the present time has one advantage over every other—it is our own. Past opportunities are gone, future have not come. We may lay in a stock of pleasures, as we would lay in a stock of wine; but if we defer the tasting of them too long, we shall find that both are soured by age.

Charles Caleb Colton

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

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Join Me?

It is essential to our well-being, and to our lives, that we play and enjoy life.

Every single day do something that makes your heart sing.

Marcia Wieder

 

 

OK everyone here is the deal, we have a weekend coming up and most of us get to choose how we will spend our time. Not only that, those of us who live in the U S have a short week since next Friday is Independence Day which means a three day weekend for most. So let’s see two days off followed by four days work followed by three days off. Two and three make five so we have five days off and only work four. If you think about it if we took Thursday off it would be a four day weekend and we could a long walking vacation, I know driving is out of the question with gas so high. So that means that we would be off six days and work only three, That seems silly to put three days in the middle of our time off, it would make more sense if we just told everyone today that we will see them a week from Monday. Those of us who are retired are busy seven days a week with no days off so it will be us on the sidelines waving to you as you walk by on your extended holiday.

Me; I’ll just do what I always do get up in the morning looking forward to all the day has to offer realizing how fortunate I am that I’ll be able to see the sun, flowers and if I am lucky some of you. I expect to enjoy everyday and when I don’t it is usually because I made a wrong choice and if I don’t because of something I have no control over I just let it pass and try not to let it interrupt my being prepared for the good stuff.

So my friends work if you have to but enjoy your world because you chose to do so. If you don’t enjoy much everyday maybe you need to change glasses because chances are you’re not seeing all that is around for you to enjoy. So here’s the deal; we are going to stay well, play well, and let ourselves be ourselves for the next ten days, while not getting caught having fun in the wrong places. I know you can do it if you really want to but if you choose to do what you always do and don’t have fun don’t come running to me I’ll be too busy to stop and listen to your complaints.

~~~

Enjoy the journey, enjoy ever moment, and quit worrying about winning and losing.

Matt Biondi

~~~

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy.

So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"

"Somebody else’s pants."

~~~

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

Wilson Mizner

~~~

The decision to carry heart defibrillators on airplanes saved a passenger’s life on a Dallas flight.

Unfortunately, his HMO only covers coronaries on round trip flights, purchased 14 days in advance with a Saturday stay over.

~~~

Do not assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

~~~

There’s a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed, blowing a whistle, and then walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field.

The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

~~~

"The person who would like to make his dreams come true must stay awake."

Richard Wheeler

~~~

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife’s turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, hon."

"Thank God, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"

~~~

Which came first? The woman or the department store?

~~~

TOP 7 SIGNS YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are "alright, listen up you heathens…"

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda shorts and a Tank Top

4. Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, "Why can’t they just leave me alone?!"

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION

1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.

~~~

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark.

Chinese Proverb

~~~

Two truck drivers, Ralph and Cletus, who drove as a team, were interviewing for a job at a new trucking company. Many questions were asked, and answered, with Ralph doing most of the talking as Cletus never had much to say.

The interview was coming to a close with one more question. "Ralph, you’re driving in the mountains in Colorado. You’re going down a very steep grade with a very sharp curve at the bottom. All of a sudden, your brakes quit. What do you do?"

Ralph scratched his chin for a bit, then said, "I’d wake up Cletus."

The interviewer was puzzled and asked "Why wake up Cletus?"

Ralph replied, "Because he ain’t never seen a wreck like we’re fixin to have!"

~~~

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

~~~

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

"Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!"

~~~

Create the kind of self you will be happy to live with all your life.

Foster C. McClellan

~~~

A certain executive had an inordinate fear of flying. He was to represent his company in a multi-million dollar deal that would take place in Tokyo. Alas, he was trapped. He would have to fly.

The person at the ticket counter noticed his nervousness and was very reassuring. "Just relax and have a good time."

"Just for the record," he asked, "What kind of plane will I be flying on?"

The answer of "DC-10" struck new terror into the man. He bravely approached the boarding area.

He finally made it into his seat before his shaking knees gave out. He sat in his seat for about 20 minutes, becoming more scared as the minutes ticked on. He summoned the stewardess. "What’s taking so long? We should have taken off 15 minutes ago."

"Part of the crew got held up in traffic, sir. We’ll be leaving in just a few minutes."

Sure enough, a few minutes later, he saw the gangplank recede into the side of the terminal, the doors shut, and felt the cabin pressure build slightly. The engines began to whine. The plane slowly backed out, rolled over to the runway and began to pick up speed. Just as they were about to leave the ground, the engines shut down. The plane taxied back to the gate they had just left. The gangplank came out and the engines shut off.

The man was nearly hysterical. "Stewardess, what’s wrong?"

"Not to worry, sir. As we approached takeoff speed, the pilot heard something in one of the engines that he didn’t like, so he brought us back here. We’re fixing the problem now."

"That’s great. I’m glad there is concern for our safety." Within, 3 minutes, the man saw the gangplank recede and heard the engines whine again. They taxied out and took off. "That was really fast! Did they fix the problem that easily?"

"No, sir, we switched pilots."

~~~

Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.

Margaret Lee Runbeck

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Where am I?

Don’t be dismayed at goodbyes.  A farewell is necessary before you can meet again.  And meeting again, after moments or lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.

Richard Bach

 

 

Today I am going to repeat a past daily. I am a little slow out of the gate since I have had a bad case of technology overload. I did a major firmware, maps, and more upgrade to my GPS device. I also decided that I really didn’t need to carry a Palm Pilot (PDA) and a cell phone so I went a bought one of those super duper, wham bam, cell phone/PDA/camera/video/MP3 player/—- things. It does everything, e-mail, web access, and all that other stuff. In truth it does everything if you set it up right and even an idiot can do it with little trouble. Fortunately, I guess, I am not an idiot since it took me hours to get everything operational and then to link it in with my desk top calendar, address books, task lists, memos, and other stuff. Anyway I am now capable of going somewhere, knowing how to get there with my GPS and then contacting the outside world via e-mail or phone to see if anyone knows why I went there in the first place. So I am off and you are stuck with another reprint.

Bye for now.

Ray’s Daily June 26, 2003

 

A new friend, Jacque a Florida High School Teacher sent us these lessons for living:

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one:

“What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?”

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. “Absolutely,” said the professor. “In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say ‘hello’.

I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

~~~

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 -year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.  The little boy again counted his coins. "I’ll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.

When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn’t have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

~~~

To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven.

Johannes A. Gaertner

~~~

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat. The women just won’t leave him alone.

His mother-in-law says, "You’re driving too fast!"

His wife says, "Stay more to the left."

After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who’s driving this car – you or your mother?"

~~~

When things go wrong…..don’t go with the flow.

~~~

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

6. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale’s.

~~~

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

~~~

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years.  "Mr. Avery, don’t leave it too late.  I have exactly the one you need.  You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don’t bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I’ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs."

"That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said ‘two sisters’. I didn’t say they were mine."

~~~

Kissing    A means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.

~~~

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife."

~~~

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

~~~

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson." The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told: "Doctor, I’ve been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson." "That’s wonderful," said the doctor.

"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I’m Lady Nelson."

~~~

If aliens saw us walking in the park, picking up after our dogs, who will THEY think is the dominant species?

~~~

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.  "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I’ll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.  "Why there are three doctors there already!"

~~~

People who think they’re out of this world make you wish they were.

~~~

Morris and Harry were both fanatics about deep sea fishing.  Each would come back from fishing trips, and tell the other big lies about the number, and sizes of the fish they caught.

So Morris comes back from his latest fishing trip, and tells Harry… …." You wouldn’t believe, but in da Bahamas I caught a 500 pound herring. "

Harry says…." That’s nothing, last time I fished in da Bahamas, I pulled up an old lantern from a sunken Spanish ship….and da candle was still burning ! "

They both looked at each other, knowing that the other was lying.

Finally, Harry said to Morris…." Look Morris, if you take 450 pounds from off your herring….I’ll blow out my candle! "

~~~

Isn’t it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?

~~~

I am certain that after the dust of centuries has passed over our cities, we, too, will be remembered not for victories or defeats in battle or in politics, but for our contribution to the human spirit.

John F. Kennedy

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

THANKS!!!

 

“Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well”

Voltaire

 

 

I have another one of those full days. I had a breakfast meeting, I still have to do a major lengthy upgrade to my GPS system and on and on; I won’t bore you with it all. I did not want to again just do a reprint from the past as I have been prone to do lately because I just got a flood update from the Salvation Army that included appreciation for our financial contributions. If you were one of our online contributors, thank you; you have helped make a difference in the lives of some pretty desperate people. If you wanted to make a contribution and did not get around to it we still could use your help, you can make a donation today at http://salvationarmyindiana.org/kiwanis.html. 

Since appreciation is today’s theme I want to let you know how much I appreciate our connection. Many of you have become more than readers, you have become friends. I am especially grateful to those of you who share your wisdom and offer your counsel. I also find it awesome how many of you are doing so much for others, you are truly a band of heroes.

~~~

A random thought from Ray’s notebook.

Does it seem to you that we have become a people that need someone to blame for all of our problems? Some tell us everything is due to the NAFTA treaty, for others it is the immigrants, and for still others it is our religious differences. Sadly we seldom think it is us. Both our government and our people have spent money we don’t have and we have seen the dollar plummet in value. Oil and food cost shoot up as the dollar weakens and we view our consumption of a quarter of the world’s resources as our right. Yet we take little responsibility for our plight. We go to war but are not asked to make any personal sacrifices; it is only the people we send and their families who pay a terrible price. By most measures we no longer can consider ourselves superior to other nations and yet we don’t shore up our educational delivery systems, we don’t take action to slow the academic decline and if the truth be known too many of our decision makers have become questionable role models for the future generations.

~~~

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”

John Fitzgerald Kennedy

~~~

A woman whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in added pounds – and girth – was being shown a Jeep by a salesman at an auto dealership.

When the salesman’s pitch had run its course, he sought to close with the typical line, "Now what would it take to get you into one of these?"

Looking at the Jeep’s high front seat, the woman replied, "Probably a crowbar."

~~~

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?

Peg Bracken

~~~

A gentile once wandered into a Jewish restaurant and ordered roast chicken. It arrived complete with potatoes and a few sundries, and the diner looked at it without much favor. He said to the waiter, "Don’t I get a green vegetable?"

And the waiter said, "And what color is the pickle? Purple?"

~~~

He who hesitates is probably right.

~~~

She said:

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.

"NO!  NO!  NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded.  "That’s not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU!  NO, THANK YOU!"

~~~

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

~~~

As she was about to leave the house for her new job, she thought it would be fun if he picked her up at work and they could go out to dinner. She put a note on their dining room table that said, "For a good time, call…" and she put her new work number.

When her husband failed to call, she took the bus home.

"Where were you?" she asked. "Didn’t you get my note?"

"Oh," he replied with a sheepish grin, "I wasn’t sure who wrote it."

~~~

“Nobody holds a good opinion of a man who has a low opinion of himself.”

Anthony Trollope

~~~

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

~~~

Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternatives.

Maurice Chevalier ~

~~~

A Jewish mother is walking down the street with her two young sons.

A passerby asks her how old the boys are.

"The doctor is three" the mother answers, "and the lawyer is two."

~~~

"Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally, I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off."  

Buzz Nutley

~~~

At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many guys at these parties that she’d date.

"Oh, I have a 3.8, so I’m much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What’s your G. P. A.?"

Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 25 in the city and 40 on the highway."

~~~

Forgive all who have offended you. Not for them, but for yourself.

~~~

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the man asks.

"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is…"

"Wait! Back up a minute," The man says. "My agent called?"

~~~

Science is true. Don’t be misled by fact. 

~~~

A worried father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.

"I’ll say he is, Daddy," responded the girl. "Just last night he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves, and if you two are easy to get along with."

~~~

Don’t confuse an open mind with one that’s vacant.

~~~

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer’s garden.  "I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one." The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes," replied the farmer, "I’ll give you that one for two cents." "OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer’s hand, "I’ll pick it up in about a week."

~~~

"Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" isn’t the falling down, but the staying down."

Mary Pickford

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are more than 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

You’re it!

“Live life fully while you’re here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You’re going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don’t try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human.”

Anthony Robbins

 

 

I am going to have to stay cool in future Daily’s since an old Psychologist friend just subscribed. She is bright, analytical, and pulls no punches. We were collaborators and colleagues years ago when we jointly tilted windmills in organizations that choose us to participate on their boards and committees. It has been many years since we last talked and I would suspect she no longer uses a two by four as a tool when she does counseling, she was very effective. Anyway I am glad she is well and is continuing to contribute via helping others find what they are looking for in their lives.

Speaking of helping I need your assistance. I have a friend who has had to spend the last few months being brave. She is brand new to the area, jobless, living with a sibling and their family, with her kids living far away in other states and she has not here long enough to build her support system. I don’t know about you but what she has experienced lately would be enough to drag most of us down. Fortunately my pal, through her faith and basic good humor holds her head up and keeps moving forward, of course the ankle she broke a week or two ago does slow her down a bit and the fact she has no health insurance is also a bummer, but on she goes. So how can you help? Her adult daughter who she has not seen for some time will arrive in a day or two and they are going to spend a couple of days doing girl things and then go south to rural Indiana for an old time rousing wedding, followed by visiting some of the neat places in Kentucky. What we need to do is shout as loud as we can together and wish her the best time ever. I have copied her on this piece just in case she is inside when we do it and she doesn’t hear us, at least she’ll know that we did.

So go get ‘em girl, forget everything for a few days and have a great time. Hey, I just thought of something. What if she came back feeling guilty because she had all the fun and we didn’t? I don’t think we should take that risk so let’s follow Robbins’ advice and all have fun and be crazy for the next four or five days!!! So count to a hundred because I tagged you and your it!!! Bet you can’t catch me.

I am so glad this lady found me since she has given me the excuse to be even sillier than I normally am.

~~~

“Fun is good.”

Dr. Seuss

~~~

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred… "I’ll die for you!"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked,

"How many times?”

~~~

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

Robert Brault

~~~

Max Greenberg was at his favorite eatery, the Second Avenue Deli, when he called over the waiter.

"Yes?" asked the busy waiter.

"Are you sure you’re the waiter I ordered from?" asked Max.

"Why do you ask?" replied the waiter.

"Because I was expecting a much older man by now."

~~~

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

~~~

Esther was talking to her friend Sadie.

"My son Sammy," said Esther proudly, "has first class degrees in psychology, economics and politics."

"You must be proud of him," said Sadie.

"Yes I am," replied Esther. "He can’t get a job but at least he knows why."

~~~

"Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice."

~~~

Andy: "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row."

Psychiatrist: "Hold it, Andy. That doesn’t sound so terrible."

Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end."

~~~

"In order to do what really matters to you, you have to, first of all, know what really matters to you."

Dr. Edward Hallowell

~~~

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

~~~

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as "4’s"?

~~~

She said: To prepare for my daughter’s first communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate. We only lived there for a short while, so I didn’t know the priests very well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her I couldn’t remember.

After a brief silence, she said, "Ma’am, I’m talking about the name of the baby’s father."

~~~

Whoever has a heart full of love always has something to give.

Pope John XXIII

~~~

An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs….."

"Sir," says the doctor," you complain you have so many things…what DON’T you have?"

The man answers, "Teeth."

~~~

The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older.

~~~

There was a major sale at Victoria’s Secret and the guy wanted to get his girl some really sexy lingerie. The store was packed with women for this big sale and before he knew it, he was pushed and shoved by frantic women all trying to get at the merchandise. He remained calm for as long as he could, then bowed his head and pushed hard and effectively and plowed through the crowd of women. "Hey you!" an angry female voice yelled out at him, "Try acting like a gentleman!"

"That’s what I have been doing," He retorted, "But since that isn’t working out for me, I’m gonna now act like you ladies!"

~~~

Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

Dale Turner

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are more than 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Did I tell you how special you are?

“Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.”

Malcolm S. Forbes

 

 

One of the great things about my last few years has been the super people I have met, people from all walks of life with a wide variety of jobs and interests. The tough thing for me is how many of these special people are so much better than they think they are. In fact it sometimes seems like the majority don’t place as much value on who they are and what they do as they should. It would not be so bad if it wasn’t that their lack of belief in themselves often keeps them from things that would benefit them either in a job or by enriching their lives.

The other day I was watching an English movie where the male lead said something like “We need to tell people how much we value them as soon as we can because it would be a tragedy if we waited until they gave up and it was too late”. The people I know are often better than the people I read about, they do little things for others without expecting anything in return, they help others and seldom hurt anyone, I guess the one thing they have in common is that they care. And like the guy said it behooves us to let them know how special they are.

 If the truth be known few of us will ever be famous, win big trophies, or become wealthy in the eyes of others, but all of us can be true to ourselves and recognize our own value and be proud not only of what we do but also because of what we don’t do. So my friends hold your head high and have sympathy for those who measure life only in material terms for they will never find the key that you have in you, the key to a truly successful life.

I think Ralph Marston is one of the smartest guys around. Here is something he wrote a number of years ago about confidence that I think has great value.

 

The strongest confidence is quiet confidence. It does not boast and is not arrogant. Quiet confidence pays no attention to those who ridicule it simply because of their own insecurities. Quiet confidence does what is right, no matter what others may think.

Quiet confidence is built from substance, and is not just made for show. It is genuine and as such, it is powerful. Quiet confidence does not seek the easy way out. Quiet confidence finds the true and the right way through whatever situations or obstacles there are. It makes no grand promises. Yet it delivers much value.

Quiet confidence is not overly concerned with appearances. Quiet confidence simply gets things done. You don’t always see it, nor do you often think about it. Yet quiet confidence works tirelessly behind the scenes, bringing you many good and valuable things.

Quiet confidence is real, persistent confidence that makes a positive difference every day. Try some yourself, and see how much real and lasting value it can add to your world.

~~~

“Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”

 Mark Victor Hansen quotes

~~~

"Boys and Girls Are Born Equal But Not the Same"

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.

3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

~~~

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

Calvin and Hobbes

~~~

A sign at a fast food restaurant read: "Fat Free French Fries."

Fascinated, I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the basket of fries was dripping with fat from the fryer.

"Just a minute! Those aren’t fat free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes. The fat is free."

~~~

If you can’t be a good example — then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.

~~~

A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse’s trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has in training. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn’t win today, the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.

The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start. The race begins and the horse is 30 lengths behind the pack after only half a furlong. He gives the horse a great backhand on the rump.

Nothing.

He then gives him a series of sharp slaps on the shoulder.

Nothing.

He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.

The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says, "Will you stop it with that whip? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver the milk!"

~~~

The best manner of avenging ourselves is by not resembling him who has injured us.

Jane Porter

~~~

I heard about a lady who was speeding and an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn’t have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

~~~

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.

Henri Bergson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are more than 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

He left again

NOTICE

Ray has left on a special assignment and will not return until Saturday. I thought before I shut down I would send you an old Daily, he forgot to tell me what he wanted me to do but who cares. I will have to shut down this afternoon so no Daily tomorrow. I am pretty sure he’ll be ready to write again Monday, who knows he might even find something today or tomorrow to write about while he doing whatever he is doing.

Ray’s Computer

~~~

June 19, 2002

Be strong enough to face the world each day.

Be weak enough to know you cannot do everything alone,

Be generous to those who need you help,

Be frugal with what you need yourself,

Be wise enough to know that you do not know everything,

Be foolish enough to believe in miracles,

Be willing to share you joys,

Be willing to share you sorrows of others,

Be a leader when you see a path others have missed,

Be a follower when you are shrouded in the midst of uncertainty,

Be the first to congratulate an opponent who succeeds,

Be the last to criticize a colleague who fails,

Be sure where your next step will fall, so that you will not stumble,

Be sure of your final destination, in case you are going the wrong way,

Be loving to those who love you,

Be loving to those who do not love you, and they may change,

Above all, be yourself!

~~~

One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

~~~

More headline news you may have missed:

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

~~~

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

Desmond: No, teacher, it’s the same dog!

~~~

Signs that you are in the 21st Century

-You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

-You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken with your neighbor yet this year.

-You call your son’s beeper to let him know it’s time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, What’s for dinner?

-Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

~~~

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

~~~

He had been experiencing chronic problems with back pain, so he visited his doctor.

The good doctor, after giving him a thorough examination, said grimly, "I am sorry to have to say this, but if you want to get well again you would have to lose a foot."

"What!" I exclaimed. "You mean my foot has to be amputated?"

"Oh, no, no!" replied the good doctor, vociferously. "I mean you have to lose a foot from around your waistline!"

~~~

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me", the farther replied.

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

~~~

I love visiting my sister-in-law in Florida in the summertime; while there I have learned that:

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

~~~

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don’t have to. My Mom is a good cook."

~~~

Sam and Gilda Shapiro are having marriage problems. After counseling with their rabbi they decide to just end their union. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we’ve been back together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing."

The wife interjects, "Seven weeks, your honor!"

~~~

"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."

~~~

Parents of a young boy went into his room and found him crying. When asked why he responded by saying, "I ate a penny and now it is gone."

The father thought quickly and reached into his pocked and pulled out a penny; he then "pulled the penny out of the boy’s ear."

The boy laughed took the penny and swallowed it and said, "Do it again!"

~~~

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application.

~~~

"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn’t get back to sleep.

"I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought maybe you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"

~~~

"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try."

Beverly Sills

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are more than 1000 readers from all over the

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