Ray's musings and humor

Archive for March, 2014

I woke up this morning, I am grateful

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting what we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”

Frederick Koenig

 buddha

 

I got e-mail the other day from a reader in Europe who said he woke up grateful because he was alive and fairly well. He said focusing on being grateful kept him from the doldrums or words to that effect. I know we have touted gratefulness before but his message reminded me that stopping to be grateful for what we do have often is a great way to avoid the side effects that come from unpleasant events.

The past few days we have had auto repairs that were more costly than what we paid for our first car. It took a big bite out of our budget, but you know what I am grateful that I have a car, most do not. I am grateful that my auto is now safer and that its life has been extended. I am also grateful that it has been my trusted steed and did not breakdown on me in the middle of nowhere. Yep, I am fortunate. If you think about it we all are. All we need to do is learn to appreciate that we are alive and have more than we realize.

I recently stumbled across a piece by the Happyboomernurse, Gail Sobotkin that promotes gratitude that I would like to share with you this morning, Here is what she wrote.

 

Gratitude Quotes That Foster Happiness

When we choose to live in a state of gratitude we view life as the gift it is and appreciate all the positive things in our lives. The first thing I do each morning is take a deep breath and thank God for the start of a brand new day. As a nurse, I’ve seen people with lung diseases and terminal diseases struggle for each breath and this taught me to fully appreciate the fact that the ability to simply breathe is a blessing which most take for granted.

Florence Nightingale said, “Live your life while you have it. Life is a splendid gift.” Nurses are more aware than most of the fragility and preciousness of this thing we call the life force. One moment we’re here, and in the next breath we could be gone. Various faiths explain what happens after death in different ways and those who have only their own personal beliefs may feel all existence ends at the time of death. Such things may be up for debate and no one knows for sure what happens when we die, but we all know that our time on earth is limited. The wise among us, celebrate life as a splendid gift to be savored, not wasted.

Robert Louis Stevenson said, “Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant.” I am grateful that I have the ability to plant seeds of joy wherever I go and make a conscious effort to do so whenever possible. Spreading smiles, love, kind words, kind thoughts and actions costs nothing and brings great joy into my own life and I’ve found that it’s a natural antidote to depression. When I focus on helping others I am less focused on my own problems or worries.

In this regard, we can learn from the bees whose work ensures the beauty in our world by pollenating flowers:

“The bee is more honored than other animals, not because she labors, but because she labors for others.” ~ Saint John Chrysotom.

~~~

As each day comes to us refreshed and anew, so does my gratitude renew itself daily. The breaking of the sun over the horizon is my grateful heart dawning upon a blessed world.

Terri Guillemets

~~~

Tom and Darryl were out hunting deer. Tom asked, “Did you see that?”

“No,” Darryl replies.

“Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead.”

“Oh,” responded Darryl.

A couple of minutes later, Tom said, “Did you see that?”

“See what?”

“Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.”

“Oh.”

A few minutes later Tom again said, “Did you see that?”

By now, Darryl is getting aggravated, so he says, “Yes, I did!”

And Tom says: “Then why did you step in it?”

~~~

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”

~~~

He said: On my four-year-old daughter’s first trip to Disneyland, she couldn’t wait to get on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.  As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.

When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, “Next time, you drive.  I didn’t know where I was going.”

~~~

A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities; an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.

Reginald B. Mansell

~~~

Visiting St Patrick’s Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight. The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they’d each like to light one. She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles.

“Do you have any questions?” she asked.

“No,” said the five-year-old, “but if there’s a pony outside, it’s mine.”

~~~

“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”

Steven Wright

~~~

Mrs. Smith pulled Mrs. Jones out of earshot of the porch, where Mrs. Jones’ lovely young daughter, Linda, sat. “It is really none of my business,” whispered Mrs. Smith, “but have you noticed what your daughter is doing?”

“Why, no. Is she up to anything special?”

Mrs. Smith leaned closer. “Haven’t you noticed? She has started knitting tiny garments!”

Mrs. Jones’ troubled brow cleared. “Well, thank goodness,” she said smiling, “at last she has taken an interest in something besides running around with boys.”

~~~

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.

Melody Beattie

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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Time to get off the train!

How do you want to be remembered?

Live life full out – Begin today.

Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 Lonely Passenger

 The other day I suggested that we all have the capacity to resist being permanently taken down by adversity. I had quoted folks who let us know that picking ourselves back up is the first step to what can be a great life. After I wrote the piece I realized that many of the unhappy people I meet have not suffered any adverse events, they just never seem to have ventured off the beaten path.

It seems that many people get stuck on a train they boarded years ago and never got off, the train keeps on chugging along, everyday being just like all the days before. They look out the window and see people who have ventured out into the world and don’t understand why they are stuck. Of course the answer is they never get off the train. The scenery never changes, the same people share the ride with them every day, the only thing that changes is the rut they are in, it just gets deeper as time goes by.

Blogger Robin Sharma wrote a piece entitled 62 Tips to Get Unstuck in 2013 that suggested a number of behaviors that I think have real value, I am listing some of them below. My belief is that when we behave in the ways he suggests we won’t have to worry about staying in a rut as we will be invited off the train by people who appreciate who we are.

 

Tips to Get UnStuck

  • Make excellence your way of being (versus a once in a while event).
  • Be on time (bonus points: be early).
  • Be a celebrator of other’s talents versus a critic.
  • Finish what you start.
  • Release the energy vampires from your life. They are destroying your performance
  • Write in a journal every morning and record gratitude every night
  • Make the choice to let go of your past, it’s dusty history and polluting your future
  • Smile more (and tell your face)
  • Remember that victims are frightened by change and leaders grow inspired by it
  • Clean out any form of “victimspeak” in your vocabulary and start running the language of leadership and possibility
  • Say “sorry” when you know you should say “sorry”. Say “please” and “thank you” a lot
  • Be slow to criticize and fast to praise
  • Keep your promises
  • Know that a problem only becomes a problem when you choose to see it as a problem
  • Remember that you empower what you complain about
  • Get to know yourself
  • Know your values and then have the guts to live them–no matter what the crowd thinks and how the herd lives
  • Become the kindest person you know

~~~

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.

Elbert Hubbard

~~~

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. “Well,” he replied, “the pay is good and the hours aren’t bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.”

~~~

I’ve changed my mind a dozen times.  It seems to work better now.

~~~

Correlation

[a] The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

[b] On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

[c] Conclusion: Eat what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.

~~~

“My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, ‘Cough!'”

Henny Youngman

~~~

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Central high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1952.”

“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”

~~~

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

~~~

There were two couples who played golf together regularly at their club, and on the sixth hole, a par four, the second shot to the green must carry 80 yards over water. One of the women, Mrs. Nesmith, for over a year, could never carry the water, and would always hit into it, totally psyched out by the presence of the water. Her friend in the group suggested that she might want to see a hynotherapist that could be of help in this situation. So the woman went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions.

During the sessions, the woman was hypnotized and the therapist would “plant suggestions” that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole, she would not see water, but rather a plush green fairway leading all the way up to the green.

Six months pass and a golfer at the club asked “Whatever happened to Mrs. Nesmith? She hasn’t been playing golf at the club for almost four months now.” The golfer was informed that five months earlier, Mrs. Nesmith had drowned at the par four sixth!!!

~~~

To be one’s self, and unafraid whether right or wrong, is more admirable than the easy cowardice of surrender to conformity.

Irving Wallace

~~~

An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling out the application form. He came to this question: “Do you favor the overthrow of the United States government by force, subversion, or violence?”

Without giving it a second thought, he wrote, “violence.”

~~~

What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.

Pericles

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

 

Happy Trails!

“Happiness depends upon ourselves.”

Aristotle

 be-happy

 

I am generally a happy person and am glad that I seem to have developed a life that is pretty good. What I can’t understand are the folks I meet who seem unhappy most of the time. Many of these people don’t really want to be that way they just don’t seem to know how to change. In my experience happiness can be contagious but since few happy people hang around those who are always complaining about their plight not much happiness rubs off on the people who need help.

Fortunately all is not lost for it is never too late to discover how to be happy. A while ago I was sent a copy of an article written by Angel Chernoff that reported on the characteristics of happy people, the content may help someone to start on the path to more joy in their life. Here is a shortened version of what she wrote:

 

7 Sexy Character Traits of Happy People

  1. Moral Courage – Happy people stand up for what’s right and don’t get pushed around by peer pressure into the newest fad or trend.  They have the courage, conviction and inner strength to do what’s right even while others reshape themselves into ever-shifting expressions of someone else’s standards, becoming shadows of other’s values.
  2. Self-Confidence – Happiness requires a degree of confidence that allows us to believe we have value, that we are worthy of love and friendship and success.  Happy people have faith in themselves and in their ability to develop the skills and qualities needed to become highly competent at living life well.

Keep in mind, though, that it’s not the pseudo-confidence that hides insecurities under cocky exteriors that shout their accomplishments and exaggerate their strengths and experiences.  It’s a humble self-acceptance and self-love that genuinely feels comfortable in their own skin.

  1. Thoughtfulness – They say nice people finish last, but that’s just not true.  As a matter of fact, jerks are never completely trusted or respected by people who respect themselves.  Happy people are thoughtful people.  They consider the needs of others.  Making a difference, in fact, takes center stage in their lives; it’s an important part of their self-identity.
  2. Passion – Happiness at its highest level includes living a life of passion and purpose.  Happy lives are directed lives, pointed at something deeply meaningful.  The happiest amongst us are excited about living because every day offers them another opportunity to do what they love, because truly passionate people have many interests, they are rarely bored, adrift or indolent.
  3. Self-Responsible – Have you ever met a happy person who regularly evades responsibility, blames and points fingers and makes excuses for their unsatisfying lives?  Me either.  Happy people accept responsibility for how their lives unfold.  They believe their own happiness is a byproduct of their own thinking, beliefs, attitudes, character and behavior.

6. Honest – Liars hide from the truth.  They lack the courage to stand up to the reality of their lives.  They hide behind words and camouflage – their hidden agenda behind a web of stories and verbal slights of hand.  Happy people don’t live that way.  Honesty is a hallmark of the happiest amongst us.  It is also a characteristic of the dangerously sexy.

7. Self-accepting – Happy people are authentic.  They are real and know who they are and what they like.  They are in touch with their feelings and spend time learning and growing and developing.  Self-accepting people may forgive themselves of their own shortcomings, but they don’t excuse them.

They look their weaknesses square in the eye, accept them as they are, then go to work growing and improving and transforming them into strengths.  Self-acceptance is never used as an excuse for stagnation or laziness or apathy by the truly self-accepting.

~~~

“So we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?”

Hunter S. Thompson

~~~

The Rosenthals had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage, and Mr. Rosenthal was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.

“It’s simple,” he said. “Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.”

“And you?”

“I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on.”

~~~

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

~~~

SIGNS YOU ARE BEING STALKED BY MARTHA STEWART

* You get a threatening note made up of letters neatly cut out of a magazine with pinking shears;

* You find a slice of lemon floating in your dog’s dish;

* Every napkin in your house has been folded into the shape of a swan;

* On her TV show she makes a replica of your home out of gingerbread, including your fallen-down licorice downspout and stuck-half-open, graham-cracker, garage door;

* You find your pet bunny simmering on the stove in an exquisite, tarragon, rose-petal, and saffron demi-glace.

~~~

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

~~~

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses’ lounge saying:

“Remember, the first five minutes of a human being’s life are the most dangerous.”

Underneath, a nurse had written:

“The last five are pretty risky, too.”

~~~

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

~~~

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

~~~

“He had delusions of adequacy.”

Walter Kerr

~~~

The teacher was giving her second grade students a lesson in science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now, it was question time and she asked, “My name begins with the letter M and I pick up things. What am I?”

A little boy in the front row said, “You’re a mother.”

~~~

“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.”

Steve Maraboli

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

 

Get back up, you’ll be glad you did

I never failed once. Discovering how to make a light bulb just happened to be a 2000 step process.

Thomas Alva Edison

Eddison

The people I respect most are those who handle adversity without letting setbacks stop them from going on with their lives. The many years I spent with men and women who had lost their jobs and who were not sure of what they would do next proved to me that it is possible to turn what appears to be a disaster into the first step on a path to a happier existence. We all face challenges in our lives, job loss; the passing of a loved one; serious illness; a failed project the list seems endless. The choice we have is to let such occurrences take us down or use them as fuel to strengthen our resolve to go on.

I have learned in my lifetime that the world does not end when I encounter an adverse situation, in fact the world does not change much at all, it is just as welcoming after the fact as it was before. All the many setbacks in my life have done is show me that if I get up and go on great things can happen. I know one thing; the athlete that falls and does not get up has no chance of finishing the race.

Thomas Edison set a great example a hundred years ago when he treated a loss as an inconvenience and not a tragedy, here is the story.

 

Great Value in Disaster

Thomas Edison’s laboratory was virtually destroyed by fire in December, 1914. Although the damage exceeded $2 million, the buildings were only insured for $238,000 because they were made of concrete and thought to be fireproof. Much of Edison’s life’s work went up in spectacular flames that December night. At the height of the fire, Edison’s 24-year old son, Charles, frantically searched for his father among the smoke and debris.

He finally found him, calmly watching the scene, his face glowing in the reflection, his white hair blowing in the wind.  “My heart ached for him,” said Charles. “He was 67 – no longer a young man – and everything was going up in flames. When he saw me, he shouted, “Charles, where’s your mother?”

When I told him I didn’t know, he said, “Find her. Bring her here. She will never see anything like this as long as she lives.” The next morning, Edison looked at the ruins and said, “There is great value in disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Thank God we can start anew.”

Three weeks after the fire, Edison managed to deliver his first phonograph.

~~~

You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down.

Mary Pickford

~~~

Boudreaux goes to see his preacher one day. “Preacher, sumting terrible is happening, and I have to talk to you about it.”

The preacher asked, “What’s wrong, Boudreaux?” Boudreaux replied, “My wife, Marie, I tink she’s poisoning me.”

The preacher, very surprised by this, asks, “What makes you say that?” Boudreaux then pleads, “I’m telling you, I just know she’s trying to poison me. What should I do?”

The preacher then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, and I’ll see what I can find out and let you know.”

A week later the preacher calls Boudreaux and tells him, “Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three solid hours. You want my advice?” Boudreaux anxiously says, “Yes, anything!”

The preacher tells Boudreaux, “TAKE THE POISON!”

~~~

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

~~~

Sol and Mort are walking from religious service. Sol wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Mort replies, “Why don’t you ask Rabbi Schwartz?”

So Sol goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, “Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?”

But Rabbi says, “No, my son, you may not. That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”

Sol goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.

Mort says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”

And so Mort goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, “Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?”

To which Rabbi Schwartz eagerly replies, “By all means, my son. By all means.”

~~~

“It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.”

George Bush

~~~

OK guys, I’m assuming that you suffer from PMS, not directly, but suffer none the less. Hers the solution…

Q: What can I do to end the havoc created every 28 days? A: Absolutely nothing.

Q: Will it ever end? A: Sure, but you’ll be so old you won’t notice.

Q: Why is it that I’m wrong so much during this awful time? A: You just are, cope with it. Someone must bear the blame.

Q: Can I just pack up and go out with the boys? A: Only if you are heavily insured and have a death wish.

Q: What should I do to cope with this? A: Glad you asked… (take notes)

1. Pamper your woman!  Shower her with love and affection.

2. Duck (alot).

3. Let her vent.  Remember, she probably doesn’t mean it.

4. If #3 does not apply, you deserve every bit of it…don’t whine.

5. Making dinner will lessen the trauma, take note: Burnt biscuits will only add to your pain – Order out.

6. Speak only when spoken to – Limit your replies to: “Yes, of course you’re right darling” and “those jeans never fit better.”

7. Educate yourself on the magic pills your loved one prefers, keeping them on hand is a bonus point for you.

8. Keep small children (and other helpless creatures) out of the path, keep the casualties to a minimum.

9. Gifts and “shiny” tokens of affection are advised, just remember these words: Frederick’s, Macys & Spiegel.

10. Always remember, you are against something way beyond your power … Real men buy necessities at the store!

~~~

My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine.

Steve Allen

~~~

A friend of mine heard this on a pre-flight announcement from an American Airlines pilot: “On our flight today, we will be flying at 34,000 feet.  To give you an idea of how high that is, we would be able to fly over 50 Empire state buildings stacked one on top the other. Our speed will be about 500 miles per hour.  That is just over the muzzle velocity of the standard military .45 pistol.  We will be pushed along by two Pratt and Whitney JT-8D-200 turbofan engines.  While thrust to horsepower varies with altitude, the total 40,000 pounds of thrust is greater than the combined power of 10 D-9 diesel locomotives. In other words, we’re faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and as always your Dallas based crew stands for truth, justice, and the AAmerican way!”

~~~

Children are natural mimics – they act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners.

~~~

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

Thomas A. Edison

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

 

What time is it?

“How did it get so late so soon?”

Dr. Seuss

Time Flies

I am out of sync this morning, the clock is moving too fast and my mind too slow so I am sending you the Daily I wrote 10 years ago.

Ray’s Daily

March 25, 2004

 

A friend sent me this story the other day.

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!”

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know! how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!” 

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I   do it wrong? Is God mad at me?”  As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman   approached the table. He winked at my son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer. 

 “Really?” my son asked.   “Cross my heart,” the man replied. Then in theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), ” Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”  

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, “Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already.”

If we all acted this way the world would be a better place.

~~~

Virtue and genuine graces in themselves speak what no words can utter.

William Shakespeare

~~~

My brother-in-law says:

a.. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

b.. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other women replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”

c.. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

d.. A lady inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Husband wanted”. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing “You can have mine.”

e.. The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, “I’ve found a man just like father!” Her mother replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”

f.. When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

g.. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

h.. Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

i.. You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

j.. During a heated spat over finances the husband said, “Well, if you’d learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid.” The wife, fuming, shot back, “Oh yeah??? Well, if you’d learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener.”

k.. My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

l.. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.

m.. The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

n.. First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

o.. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Please don’t tell my sister-in-law that he sent this to me.

~~~

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing from something.

Wilson Mizner

~~~

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”

~~~

Restaurant sign on Main Street, Camden, Maine:  Come on in. The locals will enjoy your accent.”

~~~

When my youngest daughter was three, she begged to be allowed to attend a concert with her older sister and brother.  She assured me she was a big girl and would behave herself. As we took our seats in the orchestra hall, I handed programs to the kids.  Following the lead of her older siblings, my three-year-old opened her program, and in her most grown-up voice said, “Mommy, I’ll have the chicken, please.”

~~~

Of all liars, the most convincing is memory.

~~~

Bernie took his wife Sadie to see a psychiatrist for a check up. After examining her, the doctor took Bernie to one side and said, “I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your wife. Her mind has completely gone.”

“I’m not really surprised,” Bernie replied, “Sadie’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years.”

~~~

Henny Youngman remarked once that, in his will, he is leaving his body to Julia Roberts. “If she can’t wait, she can have it now,” he added.

~~~

A minister ended services on Sunday morning the previous week by saying to the congregation, “next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And to familiarize yourselves with this subject, as a preparation for my discourse, I would appreciate it if you all could find time to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark during the week.”

Last Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said, “Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands.” Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then, said the preacher, “You are definitely the people I want to talk to. Because there is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.”

~~~

What do you get when you play country music backwards? The guy gets his girl back. He gets his pickup back. He stops drinking!

~~~

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

~~~

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart,

Who looks outside, dreams.

Who looks inside, awakens.

Carl Jung

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

 

One of the keys to the good life

The small courtesies sweeten life; the greater, ennoble it.”

Christian Nestell Bovee

courtesy 

I think the things I appreciate most in people are courtesy and civility. I truly feel sorry for those who are so self-centered that they care little about others. These are the folks that are always late keeping others waiting without giving their tardiness a second thought often resulting in people no longer inviting them to events. These are the same folks who feel no qualms about failing to keep promises. Many expect others to do their bidding without regard to the other’s needs. The sad part is that they don’t seem to care that their behavior will most probably lead to a lonesome existence and a path that includes few successes.

In my experience the people who are sensitive to those around them, those who go out of their way to be courteous to others without regard to their importance are those who achieve the most in life. Not just the most in material gain but also in a life that includes little animosity and an abundance of caring friends.

You never know when an example of common courtesy will pay real dividends. The following story is a good illustration of what I mean.

 

A Lesson In Courtesy

Author: Howard J. Chidley

I read a story recently of how a young man got his start in life through being courteous. This young man was an assistant doorkeeper in the capitol at Washington. His work was to direct people where they wanted to go in that great building. One day he overheard a stranger ask one of the other doorkeepers for help in finding one of the senators from California. The doorkeeper answered in a very discourteous way that it was none of his business where the senators were.

“But can’t you help me?” the stranger said. “I was sent over here because he was seen to come this way.”

“No, I can’t,” the doorkeeper answered. “I have trouble enough looking after the representatives.”

The stranger was about to turn away when an assistant, who had overheard the conversation, said: “If you are from California, you have come a long way, I will try to help you.” Then he asked him to take a seat, and hurried off in search of the senator. He soon brought him to the stranger, who then gave his card to the doorkeeper and asked him to call at his hotel that evening. That stranger was Collis P. Huntington, who was a great railroad official in those days.

When the doorkeeper called upon him that night, Mr. Huntington offered him a position at nearly twice the salary he was then receiving. He accepted the new position and was rapidly promoted from that time on.

The lesson I would have you learn from this is that you never know when a good deed is going to return to you. I don’t mean that you should be courteous, expecting that you are going to be paid for it each time, for the greatest pay for kindness is just the feeling that you have helped someone. As the old saying goes, “Civility costs nothing,” and on the other hand, you never gain anything by getting the ill-will of anybody or anything, even of a dog. Be courteous: it is the mark of a gentleman, of a lady, and it is often the passport to success.

~~~

“I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word – politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.”

Fran Lebowitz

~~~

My good friend Nurse Nancy sent this to me years ago. I share it with my women friends today in support of the importance of preventative medicine:

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry.  By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared.  And you can do this right in your own home!

Exercise 1 – Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box.  Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure.  Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath).  Repeat again, in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.

Exercise 2: – Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect.  Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car.  Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.  Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3 – Freeze two metal bookends overnight.  Strip to the waist.  Invite a stranger into the room.  Press the bookends against one of your breasts.  Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.  Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!

~~~

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

~~~

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so. “I think so, too,” said Mabel. “Let’s go!”

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half. They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

“I guess we can go home now, Mabel,” she said. “This is where we came in.”

~~~

To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart.

Donald Laird

~~~

This woman was talking to her friend when she got back from her recent trip to Spokane, Washington. Her friend asked her how she liked Spokane.

She answered, “I don’t know, I never got there.” 

So the friend says, “You never got there… what do you mean?” 

She answers, “You know me, I have to stop at every rest area and they all say ‘clean bathrooms’, well. . . it takes longer that you think!”

~~~

Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

~~~

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I …”

ELLEN: I is .

TEACHER: No, Ellen.. Always say, “I am.”

ELLEN: All right. “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

~~~

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

~~~

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.  They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,  “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye,  ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation.”

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen  said,  “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be quite ill.

~~~

“I shall pass this way but once; any good that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being; let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

Etienne de Grellet

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

 

Sorry I can’t stay, I am going out to do something new

“If you dare nothing, then when the day is over, nothing is all you will have gained.”

Neil Gaiman

 chance

I think too many of us live by default. We get into a routine that does not require us to step off the beaten path or to explore new opportunities. This came to mind when I thought back on the many people have complained to me over the years that their life was uninteresting and lacked sizzle. Invariably I would suggest stepping out and doing something new like join a club or subscribe to a theatre series. Sadly few ever were willing to take the risk they would be taking if they stepped out of their comfort zone, a sure way to avoid happiness.

As I thought about this I realized these folks would be better off accepting their plight so they could quit complaining about what they had. In other word’s if you are unwilling to step out you should not blame fate or others for you have made a choice to stay where you are at. Living by default requires no special talent, it entails little risk, all it does is assure a grey existence. Happily I know many who once they realized that there was little excitement in a stagnant life did step out and not only found a more interesting place they also discovered they had more to offer than they had realized in the past.

Here is a piece written by Byron Pulsifer that explains what how to move to a better life.

Waiting for No Risk

I could have easily waited it out putting in a few more years, going through the motions with just enough effort to keep me employed. But, if I did this, I knew that I would be unhappy every day I went to work and wasting away knowing that each day was only a façade to what I really wanted.

The Concern Was This:

If I leave now, what would I do, and how would I survive financially?  Both of these questions are not ones to be answered easily or quickly.  Maybe it was better just to wait to see how long I could survive in my job before I couldn’t take it any longer.  Maybe there would be something in the newspaper or want ads that would be more appealing and give me a reason to leave so I would enjoy my last few years before official retirement.

Many People Think These Thoughts

In one of my past jobs of counselling people, I was told over and over and over again about the desire for a different job, a job that would be satisfying and where one would be appreciated instead of seen as a mere job number of job function.  These people all were waiting for something else, something that would force them out of their current position because it was so much better. But, even more important, it was something that was secure without risk and would give them everything they wanted without having to worry about one thing.  The solution for these people, and for myself in fact, was not and is not a move without risk.

Life Is Full of Risks

Life is full of risk and the wisdom of these words must be repeated over and over again. We all take risks some bigger than others.  It really comes down to how badly you want to change something whether that be finding a new career totally outside and away from what you do currently to changing a habit that has caused you problems in the past and present.

Our Decision

Each one of us must decide whether a change is something that we cannot live without or we decide that we are going to keep doing what we have always done.  The old saying, “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you got.” Bear in mind, though, that if you keep doing what you already are doing you are also making a decision and are also taking a risk.

Why?

You are risking staying in the same old rut without any hope of realizing a new dream. Nothing changes if you never take action, if you never make that decision.  You will never find a new career or life that simply finds you and takes you away without some risk.

~~~

“A ship is always safe at the shore – but that is NOT what it is built for.”

Albert Einstein

~~~

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, “Please, is there a doctor in the house?!”

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, “Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, Jewish girl?”

~~~

Every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of happiness wasted.

~~~

Seen On The Church Marquee

“Under same management for over 2000 years.”

“Soul food served here.”

“Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.”

“Wal-Mart isn’t the only saving place!”

“It’s hard to stumble when you’re down on your knees.”

“What part of “THOU SHALT NOT” don’t you understand?”

“The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.”

“Can’t sleep? Try counting your blessings.”

“To belittle is to be little.”

“Don’t let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you.”

~~~

Today is the tomorrow you looked forward to yesterday.

~~~

In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor.  One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a “severe nonlinear waterfowl issue.”  Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, “What exactly is that?”

The programmer replied, “They don’t have all their ducks in a row.”

~~~

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he’d learned in seven years.”

Mark Twain

~~~

There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was nowhere in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made and excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the roasted pork.

While he’s waiting for his order to be prepared, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi’s meal. He takes the cover off the platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth.

The congregation president is more than a little surprised….Shocked he was !

Quickly the rabbi said..”What a fancy place,” explains the rabbi, “Just look at how they served the baked apple I ordered.”

~~~

“…maybe sometimes it’s riskier not to take a risk. Sometimes all you’re guaranteeing is that things will stay the same.”

Danny Wallace

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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