Ray's Daily

Life is good

If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a problem.  Everything else is inconvenience.

Robert Fulghum

 

I just got back from spending the night at the hospital participating in the sleep study to analyze my sleeping habits. I missed the whole thing! I slept right through it, wait…that was what I was supposed to do so I guess it’s OK. The only side effect from the study is that my hair is thicker from all the goop they put on the electrodes to monitor my brain waves. Since they did not tell me much I don’t know if they found many waves to monitor.

The docs will check the results and I’ll know sometime in the future and if they found anything correctable. It appears that with their breathing machine set at the same pressure I use at home that I had no loss of breath, so we’ll see.

So now I begin the preparation for my off shore activities next week. I will try to get a couple more Dailies out before we shut down the presses for a few weeks while my nonexistent staff takes a short vacation. We plan on being back in action in early May. In the meantime I have assigned a number of watchers to monitor your activity so if you misbehave I will be able to enjoy hearing about what you did. If you behave the whole time I am gone, sorry, remember you can’t have everything. But either way please have fun and don’t take things too seriously.

I have found the last week or so to be both interesting and challenging. I found myself a few times letting my failure to perform as I would have liked take me down a notch. Fortunately I have failed often enough to know it usually is temporary, what happened is past and agonizing over it is of no value. Fortunately I, like you do have so many positives banked that they more than offset occasional negatives. This morning as I was thinking about that reality I decided to see if our old friend Ralph Marston had anything to say on the subject and I found this piece that I really liked and want to share it with you.

Add a little joy

Whatever you’re doing, add a little joy to it. After all, you’re much more effective when you’re enjoying the moment you’re in. It takes only the slightest effort to put a gentle smile on your face. And when you do, you instantly change your perspective to a more empowered one.

You don’t have to wait or beg or hope for joy to come to you. Simply allow joy to flow from you. Remember that you’re in full control of your own attitude. So choose an attitude that supports you and affirms the positive value of the moment you’re in. Whatever else the moment may contain, add a little joy to it. Choose to feel what feels best to you.

Add a little joy to each day. And add a lot of beauty to the world.

Ralph Marston

~~~

Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional.

M. Kathleen Casey

~~~

Overheard at the day care center, or was it the senior center.

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarian Section”

A:  The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?’

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

~~~

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.

Cullen Hightower

~~~

“I’d like the number for Rachel Cohen in Brooklyn, New York.” the young man said to the information operator.

“There are multiple listings for Rachel Cohen’s, in Brooklyn” the operator said. “Do you have a street name?”

The young man hesitated a moment, “Well, uh, most people call me “Max.”

~~~

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech – every now and then she stops to breathe.

Jimmy Durante

~~~

A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, “You know, honey, I think there might be some real merit to what this article says, that the intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling block to the son.”

“Well, thank heaven,” said the wife, “at least our James has nothing standing in his way.”

~~~

Don’t tell me that worry doesn’t do any good. I know better. The things I worry about don’t happen.

~~~

The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate. After the service a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, “Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don’t want you to leave!”

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said “Now, now, Carolyn, don’t carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me”.

“Yeah right”, she said, “That’s what they said the LAST time too!!!”

~~~

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

~~~

She said: At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup.

I didn’t realize how long I’d been until someone slid a note under the door.

“You win,” it read. Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot.”

~~~

Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies.

Erich Fromm

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

I’m Tired

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.

Irish Proverb

 

If you have walked around Indianapolis today or yesterday and saw a pretty wide trench in the sand the chances are it was done by my rear end dragging. I lost my energy sometime earlier in the week and my docs are sending me to the hospital this evening to be wired up for another of those eerie all night sleep studies. Hopefully the wizard will be there and work some magic especially since I have to leave the country next week on a secret water assignment. Since anything I would write today would probably be of even less value than usual I am sending you another Daily from days past. I do hope to publish tomorrow but if I don’t you’ll hear from me next week before I row off.

Ray

~~~

Ray’s Daily first published April 14, 2005

Have you noticed how many people these days seem overly tired, frustrated, lethargic, and even grouchy? I often feel that we have become so centered on our jobs or other responsibilities that we don’t take care of ourselves. Often we don’t even notice the changes taking place in our productivity and sense of well being. I was with a friend not too long ago that had the good sense to recognize what was going on in her life. I suggested, as I often do that the best time to take a vacation is when you can’t.

In the same vein here are some thoughts I stole from a recent article by Denis Waitley, entitled Balance Your Workload with a Generous Number of Mini-Vacations for Maximum Productivity.

He said that by re-energizing and renewing yourself frequently, you will avoid burnout and become much more motivated and productive. He recommended that you don’t keep your nose to the grindstone for years and wait for retirement to travel. Balance and consistency are the keys. Enjoy the process, not just the result.

Many people today are concerned with quality time, time generally defined in part as that spent on recreation, personal pursuits, time with children, spouses and friends. While Waitley believes that quality time is important, one must also spend quantity time. The average father spends less than 30 minutes each week in direct one-on-one communication with each of his children. How can we possibly expect good family relationships with so little communication?

It’s not in the image of our big dreams that we run the risk of losing our focus and motivation. It’s the drudgery and routine of our daily lives that present the greatest danger to our hopes for achievement.

He also suggests that you sit down right now and plan to reward yourself with a three or four day vacation from any work activity, this can be done across a weekend, you don’t even have to travel. If you need a break take one, if you don’t the one you will be hurting the most is yourself. And by all means leave all your work at work.

OK, ready? Go to your calendar and lock in the dates, and if you have a fantasy to fulfill during the time off, write that down too, you will be glad you did.

~~~

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was.  I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory.  I was naïve.  I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer.  It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with:  that I am nobody but myself.

Ralph Ellison

~~~

Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on Business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with a assortment of Human Skulls.

“What are you doing?” asked the American.

“Oh, I’m selling skulls”, replied the Irishman.

“And what skulls do you have?” said Bud.

“Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!” said the Irishman.

“That’s great!” said Bud. “Give me some names!”

“Well!” said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. “That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that’s Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland…God bless his soul..”

“Sorry” said Bud, “But did you say St. Patrick?”

“That’s correct!” said the Irishman.

“I have to have that!” said Bud and paid him $1,650.00 in cash.

Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub. People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune.

Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.

“Goodness”, said Bud, “What are you doing?”

“Oh, I’m selling skulls”, replied the Irishman.

“And what skulls do you have today?” said Bud.

“Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!” said the Irishman.

“That’s great!” said Bud. “Give me some names!”

“Well!” said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. “That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that’s Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland…God bless his soul..”

“Sorry” said Bud, “But did you say St. Patrick?”

“That’s Correct!” said the Irishman.

“Well!”, said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick.”

“Oh yes!” said the Irishman, “I remember you now!…you see… This is St. Patrick when he was a Boy……!!”

~~~

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok, they know me here.

~~~

A church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money for a special trip to Bethlehem.

They made a large sign that read: CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP. On the scheduled Saturday, business was very good. But, by two o’clock the sky clouded, the rain poured, and there were hardly any customers.

Finally, one of the soprano singers had an idea. She printed a very large poster with the words: WE WASH. GOD RINSES. (Next to the words was an arrow pointing skyward.) Business boomed!

~~~

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it.”

Irene Peter

~~~

On his eightieth birthday party, the famous writer gave a small speech, he started “At such an age actually, a man has a lot of advantages” he paused. The pause lasted for a while, and then he added “Well I am just trying to remember what they are!”

~~~

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”

Rich Jeni

~~~

Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned his doctor, waking him up.

“I’m really sorry to bother you so late,” he said, “but I think my wife has appendicitis.”

Still half asleep, the doctor reminded him that he had removed hs wife’s inflamed appendix a couple of years before.

“Whoever heard of a second appendix?” the doctor asked.

“You may not have heard of a second appendix, doc,” the man replied, “but surely you’ve heard of a second wife!”

~~~

I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.

Arthur Rubenstein

~~~

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

“Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

~~~

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

e.e. cummings

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Take it easier

Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.

Ovid

 

The day before yesterday I shared with you that there would be no Daily yesterday as I was committed to activities from 6 am until 11 PM. My wife and a few of you questioned my sanity especially since I have been moving a little slow this week. It did not take long before my stamina ran out  well before my tasks ran out. So as often happens I was wrong. I missed what appeared to be a critical meeting and sent my wife off with friends to dinner and a musical while I napped. And as usual the world did not end, the meeting I missed went fine without me, my wife enjoyed the show and I again learned that I ought to practice what I preach.

Just the day before my Pulmonologist thought my sleep apnea could be responsible for my fatigue and so I will be spending tomorrow night in the hospital participating in another sleep study, my last and only other one was 13 years ago. Possibly we will find a solution. It could not be old age, or could it? Anyhow I can not depend on a medical answer so it is back to life style changes. In that vein I picked up a few tips from Zenhabits that I thought I should share with you.

 

Let’s slow down

Do less. It’s hard to slow down when you are trying to do a million things. Instead, make the conscious choice to do less. Focus on what’s really important, what really needs to be done, and let go of the rest.

Be present. It’s not enough to just slow down — you need to actually be mindful of whatever you’re doing at the moment. That means, when you find yourself thinking about something you need to do, or something that’s already happened, or something that might happen … gently bring yourself back to the present moment.

Disconnect. It’s hard to slow down when you’re always checking new messages coming in.

Appreciate nature. Many of us are shut in our homes and offices and cars and trains most of the time, and rarely do we get the chance to go outside. Instead, take the time to go outside and really observe nature, take a deep breath of fresh air, enjoy the serenity of water and greenery.

Find pleasure in anything. Whatever you’re doing, be fully present … and also appreciate every aspect of it, and find the enjoyable aspects. Life can be so much more enjoyable if you learn this simple habit.

Single-task. The opposite of multi-tasking. Focus on one thing at a time. When you feel the urge to switch to other tasks, pause, breathe, and pull yourself back.

Breathe. When you find yourself speeding up and stressing out, pause, and take a deep breath. Take a couple more. Really feel the air coming into your body, and feel the stress going out.

~~~

Don’t underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering.

Pooh’s Little Instruction Book, inspired by A.A. Milne

~~~

Nancy and I were parent’s in the fifties and this sure brings back memories

 

In 1953 the year we got married the US population was less than 150 million… Yet you knew more people then, and knew them better… And that was good.

The average annual salary was under $3,000… Yet we could put some of it away for a rainy day and still live a decent life… And that was good

A loaf of bread cost about 15 cents… But it was safe for a five-year-old to skate to the store and buy one… And that was good.

Prime-Time meant I Love Lucy, Ozzie and Harriet, Gunsmoke and Lassie… So nobody ever heard of ratings or filters… And that was good.

We didn’t have air-conditioning… So the windows stayed up and half a dozen mothers ran outside when a child fell off their bike… And that was good.

The kids teacher was either Miss Matthews or Mrs. Logan or Mr. Adkins… But not Ms Becky or Mr. Dan… And that was good.

The only hazardous material you knew about… was a patch of grassburrs around the light pole at the corner. And that was good.

We loved to climb into a fresh bed… Because sheets were dried on the clothesline… And that was good.

People generally lived in the same hometown with their relatives.. So “child care” meant grandparents or aunts and uncles… And that was good.

Parents were respected and their rules were law…. Children did not talk back….. and that was good.

TV was in black-and-white… But all outdoors was in glorious color….And that was certainly good.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

REMEMBER…

Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Abbott & Costello, Sky King, Little Lulu comics, Brenda Starr, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing cowboy, playing hide and seek and kick-the-can and Simon Says, baseball games, amateur shows at the local theater before the Saturday matinee, bowling and visits to the pool…and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar, and wax lips and bubblegum cigars

Didn’t that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!

And was it really that long ago?

~~~

“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.”

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

~~~

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”

~~~

“It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.”

Jackie Mason

~~~

“It’s no use. Art doesn’t listen to me,” said a little boy who was praying for a new bike.

“Art who?” asked the boy’s mother.

“Art in heaven,” came the reply.

~~~

“A woman’s dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.”

Sophia Loren

~~~

At the beginning of the grandparents’ class I teach, I ask participants if they would share the very first feelings they had when they learned they were going to be grandparents.

Most people say they were happy and excited. During one class, however, an expectant grandmother blurted, “I just hated it! I finally knew for certain that my daughter was having sex.”

~~~

Mitzi was at the Motor Vehicle Bureau applying for a driver’s license. Filling out the forms, when she came to the line: “Color of Hair”, she put…”L’oreal Preference 8 1/2B.”

~~~

Parents’ Dictionary:

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies

Whodunit: None of the kids that live at your house

~~~

Some of the secret joys of living are not found by rushing from point A to point B, but by inventing some imaginary letters along the way.

Douglas Pagels

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

It works for me

Perfection itself is imperfection.

Vladimir Horowitz

 

It is going to be another full day with meetings, doctor appointments and an anniversary dinner. Tomorrow is even busier starting with 6:45 AM tests at the hospital, a raft of meetings followed by a late evening dinner and musical comedy so there will be NO DAILY tomorrow.

While I do have to rush off soon there is something I would like to share with you. Years ago I met a public health expert while we were working with UNICEF, CDC, USAID and others to protect the health of children in Eastern Europe after the fall of the former Soviet Union. Recently this acquaintance/friend sent me the following poem. While I don’t think I could follow its guidance on a full time basis I do think that I will take a day every once in awhile and take advantage of its therapeutic value.

Imperfection

Elizabeth Carlson

I am falling in love with my imperfections

The way I never get the sink really clean,

     forget to check my oil,

     lose my car in parking lots,

     miss appointments I have written down,

     am just a little late.

I am learning to love

      the small bumps on my face

      the big bump of my nose,

      my hairless scalp,

      chipped nail polish,

      toes that overlap.

Learning to love

      the open-ended mystery

            of not knowing why

I am learning to fail

      to make lists,

      use my time wisely,

      read the books I should.

Instead I practice inconsistency,

      irrationality, forgetfulness.

Probably I should

      hang my clothes neatly in the closet

      all the shirts together, then the pants,

      send Christmas cards, or better yet

      a letter telling of my perfect family.

But I’d rather waste time

      listening to the rain,

      or lying underneath my cat learning to purr.

I used to fill every moment

     with something I could cross off later.

Perfect was

     the laundry done and folded

     all my papers graded

     the whole truth and nothing      but

Now the empty mind is what I seek

      the formless shape

      the strange off center

      sometimes fictional me.

~~~

Persuade thyself that imperfection and inconvenience are the natural lot of mortals, and there will be no room for discontent, neither for despair.

Ieyasu Tokugawa

~~~

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.

  •       Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

  •       Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S.  – Any sign of that book we sent for, “The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats”?

  •       Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

  •       To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck…

  •       Selma, don’t come in! The boa constrictor got loose again…

~~~

Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

~~~

If you want to catch beasts you don’t see everyday,

You have to go places quite out-of-the-way.

You have to go places no others can get to.

You have to get cold, and you have to get wet, too.

Dr. Seuss

~~~

Isn’t the only time a woman wishes she were a year older be when she is expecting a baby?

~~~

Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine… except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!

~~~

A fool and his money are never around when you need them.

~~~

An elderly lady was known for her faith and her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout “Praise the Lord!”

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get angry at her proclamations and he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!”

Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed to God to send her some assistance… She stood on her front porch and shouted, “Praise the Lord…God I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries.”

The next morning the lady went out on her porch, noted a large bag of groceries and she shouted, “Praise the Lord.”

The neighbor jumped up from behind a bush and said, “Ha ha.. I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries. God didn’t.”

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, “Praise the Lord. He not only sent me groceries but He made the devil pay for them. PRAISE THE LORD.”

~~~

“This is a new dress. Do you like it? It’s from my favorite designer, On Sale.”

Rita Rudner

~~~

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

“Your veal parmigiana was superb,” the customer said. “I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there.”

“Naturally,” the chef said. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported.”

~~~

“Sometimes we strive so hard for perfection that we forget that imperfection is happiness”

Karen Nave

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Trust your heart!

“Stay the course, light a star, Change the world where’er you are.”

Richard Le Gallienne

 

The other day I spent a little time with one of my Doctors who has become my friend. He is highly regarded and practices in a nationally recognized group. Our recent conversation got into the heath challenges we face in the US with a system that is not working now and with some of the proposed cuts in programs stands a chance of getting even worse. I learned he is not a fan of the insurance companies with their high administrative costs and burdensome paperwork demands.

He, like some others I know, bemoans the fact that they got into the practice of medicine to practice medicine and help folks, not into a system that judges docs primarily by how much revenue they can bring in. He said, like we often do in the Daily, that money does not buy happiness and that too many of us chase the dollar rather than chasing our dreams. I really like my doctor friend he is a good guy and he really cares about the people he treats. I wish more were like him.

What brought our conversation to mind was this piece that was sent yesterday by Ralph Marston, another one of the really good guys.

Rich in this moment

Do you really want to be rich? Then be rich in this moment, right now, where you are, with all that you have. Let go of the need to control, the need to judge, and the need to possess, and feel the immense beauty of simply, authentically being you. Every richness you could ever truly care about is here for you to allow.

It’s great to have ambitious plans and meaningful intentions for the future. Remember that the way you’ll achieve those intentions is by lovingly harvesting the immense richness of right now. You don’t have to fight for or wait for or hope for some future circumstance to make you rich. The experience of richness comes when you fully accept and celebrate in this moment that you have more than enough.

In the richness that is yours now, all you could ever desire is well within your reach. Feel the richness as it erases all doubt and gives you the confidence to reach even higher, free of need, filled with love.

All of life’s richness will come to you in some moment or another. Be rich in this moment, and let the richness continue to grow.

I guess I would add, stay the course, always be yourself and follow your heart and not someone else’s suggestion that you are on the wrong path.

~~~

“The greatest treasures are those invisible to the eye but found by the heart.”

~~~

The Top 13 Signs You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO

13. Its clever name? “Whatevercare”  

12. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento.  

11. Anesthesia? Your choices: Whiskey, a bullet to bite on, or a Louisville Slugger to the head.  

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.  

9. “Radiation therapy” machine looks suspiciously like a tanning bed.  

8. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.  

7. “Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?”  

6. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal and oral thermometers.  

5. “Take two leeches and call me in the morning.”  

4. No X-ray machine, but each doctor is issued a pair of “X-ray specs.”  

3. Tongue depressers taste faintly of Fudgesicle.  

2. Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow’s doorstep.  

1. Radiation treatment for cancer patients consists of a carrying a postcard from Chernobyl in your pocket.  

~~~

Hello. Incontinence Hotline. Can you hold?

~~~

He said: I’ve sure gotten old.  I’ve had 2 by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.  I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.  Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But…

Thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!

~~~

True religion is the life we live, not the creed we profess.

J.F. Wright

~~~

“So, what’s the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband.”

“Oh, everything went wrong: First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

“All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!”

~~~

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it.”

Buddy Hackett

~~~

One of the joys of living in a small town was revealed to me while I vacationed in a northern Michigan village.  At the post office, I noticed a poster with a photograph of a woman smiling.  Just below the picture was this message: “Have you seen this person?  If so, give her a hug. Today is her birthday.”

~~~

He does the work of 3 men… Moe, Larry & Curly.

~~~

Maine State Police Detective Joseph Zamboni, after being saluted as 2001 Trooper of the Year, recalled a case in which a woman stabbed her husband with a knife and then asked Zamboni if she could have it back. He asked her why.

“Well, it was part of a set,” she told Zamboni.  “I got it as a wedding present.”

~~~

He who slings mud loses ground.

~~~

He said: I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

~~~

“There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart…pursue those.”

Michael Nolan

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

A three day Daily

“Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.”

David Henry Thoreau

 

If Thoreau is correct I am going to have a heck of a month. I spent all day today, Tuesday, doing my annual taxes, I will have to send in a good sized check but I think I should pay for what we are doing rather than building more debt so it’s OK. I will be tied up tomorrow at the Hospital getting my Pacemaker re-oiled and then being tested by my favorite Electro-Physiologist. I will rush from there to go to get an update on the Haitian rebuilding effort. Thursday I have an early Kiwanis induction ceremony and them I am on my way out of town on special assignment.

Next week’s big event is my wife’s and my 21,170^th day anniversary, who would have thought that she would put up with me for that many days, of course it is not next week yet so she still has time to change her mind. The following week, on the 20^th I’ll be off again to exotic locales until early May. So please read today’s daily r   e   a   l   y    s   l   o   w   l   y    since it will have to last until Friday when I can again ramble on with you.

The tough part is that I only have a little time to fit in the rest of April’s events for it is:

• National Humor Month – It really is I’m not joking. Tell a funny story to your favorite country!
• Keep America Beautiful Month – I don’t care what they say I am not going to hide in my house all month just to keep the outside looking more attractive.
• Poetry Month – There was a young man from…. OOPs never mind.
• Stress Awareness Month – I am aware, I just did my taxes today!
• Sexual Assault Awareness Month – This is really no joke, especially for the victims. I am pretty sure I never got assaulted but if you know that I was would you remind me as my memory is really poor these days.

~~~

Growing old is no more than a bad habit which a busy person has no time to form.

Andre Maurois

~~~

While I was working in the men’s section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.  When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first.  Then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs. “I don’t know his size,” she said, “but my hands fit perfectly around his neck.”

~~~

If he/she says that you are too good for him/her – believe them.

~~~

True Tombstone Inscriptions

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903-Died 1942

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

—

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.

The Good Die Young.

~~~

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

~~~

Morris went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up.  What should I do?”

“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.

“Nope,” Morris replied.

“Okay, then write him a nasty letter asking him for the $1000 he owes you,” said the lawyer.

“But it’s only $500,” Morris insisted.

“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and we will then have the proof we need to nail him.”

~~~

A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same way.

~~~

The fourth-grade class was studying the development of the auto industry. The teacher had emphasized the role played by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines decreased production costs. At the end of the unit, she gave a test including the question: “What did Henry Ford invent that made buying a car more affordable?”

One of the brightest students in the class wrote: “0% financing.”

~~~

“I bequeath all my property to my wife on the condition that she remarry immediately. Then there will be at least one man to regret my death.”

Heinrich Heine

~~~

A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.

Mother mouse barked fiercely, “Woof, woof, woof!” The cat was so terrified that it ran for it’s life.

Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, “Now, do you understand the value of a second language?”

~~~

“Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature.”

Harold Coffin

~~~

A husband said to his wife, “You know, dear, it may be time for you to consider getting a hearing aid.”

“How much do they cost?”

“They’re usually about $3,000.”

“Okay, I’ll get one. As soon as you say something that’s worth $3,000.”

~~~

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

~~~

A young blonde secretary was describing her evening’s exploits to a friend.” After dinner,” she said, “he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that.”

“That was smart,” her friend said, approvingly. “Then what happened?”

“He kept insisting, and I kept refusing,” the secretary said.

“You didn’t weaken your resolve, did you?” asked the friend.

“Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry.”

~~~

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”

Lily Tomlin

~~~

While driving through South Carolina, I kept having to slow down for road repair crews. To keep the workers safe, the highway department posted a series of signs that read, “Let ’em work. Let ’em live.”

On one of the signs, an exasperated motorist had added, “Let ’em finish!”

~~~

Happiness is a matter of one’s most ordinary and everyday mode of consciousness being busy and lively and unconcerned with self.

Iris Murdoch

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Wow, the impossible happens again!

A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success.

Elbert Hubbard

 

 

  

 

~~~

I am scheduled to attend a series of lectures tomorrow in the early evening, I may not be able to get there much less find a parking place as it will take place at Butler University where the basketball team will return from the NCAA Championship game. It is a great school, a great campus and the place where dreams come true. It is the school where the basketball team graduates the overwhelming majority of its student athletes and it is the home of Matt Howard, three time academic All-American and national student athlete of the year.

Yep, Indianapolis is the home of the Butler Bulldogs who have become for many, Americas team. They study hard, they play hard and they play for a young coach who has brought them to the National Championship game for the second year in a row. Win or lose tonight they are Champions and those of us who live in their shadow take pride not only in their success but more importantly in their character.

 

Just as a reminder this is what I put in the Daily on the same afternoon last year.

 

Go Dawgs!!!

It has been a great weekend here in my hometown of Indianapolis. We welcomed visitors from all over the United States who came to watch our College Men’s Basketball national championship games. If you watched any of it on television you saw my city at its best, our citizens are gracious hosts and sure know how to throw a party.

Of course we take special pride in the accomplishments of our Butler University Bulldogs who will play in the championship game tonight. Win or lose, their run to the championship will live on as one of the all time great sport stories. Butler is a small school, it does not have any highly recruited players and they have one of the youngest coaches in basketball who has worked his magic for only three years as a head coach.

They may not bring big names to the game but they bring class, humility, team sprit and big hearts. In some ways they exemplify what I find to be the best of where I live — a town filled with good people who do good things for each other. So my friends if you hear a loud shout from America’s heartland tonight it will be me hollering GO DAWGS!!!!

~~~

For in the true nature of things, if we rightly consider, every green tree is far more glorious than if it were made of gold and silver.

Martin Luther

~~~

In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida.  Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.

“Excuse me,” she said to the manager.  “My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I’d like a small room for two weeks.”

“I’m awfully sorry,” he replied, “but all of our rooms are occupied.” Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.

“What luck,” said Mrs. Goldstein.  “Now there’s a room.”

“Not so fast, Madam.  I’m sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed.”

“Jewish?  Who’s Jewish?  I happen to be Catholic.”

“I find that hard to believe.  Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?”

“Jesus, Son of Mary.”

“Where was he born?”

“In a stable.”

“And why was he born in a stable?”

“Because… a schmuck like you wouldn’t let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!”

~~~

The love of our neighbor in all its fullness simply means being able to say to him, “What are you going through?”

Simone Weil

~~~

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.

“I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me,” he said.

“But that dollar was for Sunday School,” his mother replied.

Smiling, the boy said, “I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!”

~~~

“If you think your boss is stupid remember; you wouldn’t have a job if he was smarter.”

Albert Grant.

~~~

The brillant barrister F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man’s arm: “Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?” Smith asked the plaintiff.

The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face contorted with apparent pain.

“Thank you,” said Smith. “And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before the accident?”

The man’s arm shot above his head.

~~~

“You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions.”

Naguib Mahfouz

~~~

Jack died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack’s Last Will and Testament.

“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.

To my daughter, Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp.”

~~~

You can’t please everybody if you are going to make a difference in this world.

Melvin Chapman

~~~

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: “What’s that stuff on those hills?”

“Just snow,” replied the stewardess.

“That’s what I thought,” said the lady, “but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece.”

~~~

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Bill Watterson

~~~

The teacher was giving her second grade students a lesson in science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now, it was question time and she asked, “My name begins with the letter M and I pick up things. What am I?”

A little boy in the front row said, “You’re a mother.”

~~~

Let me arise and open the gate,

to breathe the wild warm air of the heath,

And to let in Love, and to let out Hate,

And anger at living and scorn of Fate,

To let in Life, and to let out Death.

Violet Fane

 

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Have you checked your priorities lately?

True wisdom is to know what is best worth knowing, and to do what is best worth doing.

Edward Humphrey

 

I attended a large Salvation Army appreciation dinner last night and as usual met some interesting good people. I also had a chance to visit with many friends that I don’t see often enough.

The main speaker for the evening said something that really got me thinking. He asked if we had our priorities in the right order. He suggested that most people do want to help others, contribute to a good cause or donate their time and talent, but only if they have any time our money left over after they do all the other things they might do. In other words he wondered if we are so conditioned to pleasing ourselves that we never have time to serve or have left over funds to give. Now I know that lot’s of folks barely make ends meet after they buy the basics and others are not able to do anything that requires physical activity but there is so much opportunity to help that there is something everyone can do.

OK, why did all this hit home for me? It did because in the last ten years or so I have spent most of my time doing things that I hope make a difference and they have been the best years of my life. I now regret all the years that I didn’t do much because I didn’t think I had any available time. I now know that if I would have changed my priorities to make sure I dedicated more time to others I would have reaped great benefit. I would have done better if I had just stopped and asked myself questions like, is seeing the latest movie really more important than spending a few hours volunteering? I know now I would have met and become friends with some really great people if only I would just have given a little more of my time.

Here are a few paragraphs that I have excerpted from an article by Catherine Pratt that are worth thinking about:

Your life’s priorities are whatever you spend time doing.

Think about what things you do in an average day. What are you doing with your time? Whether you realize it or not, those activities are your priorities. Most of us never even think about what we spend our time doing. We get up, we go to work, we come home at the end of the day. We’re just going through the motions never really thinking about what we do or how we do it or even why we do it. So, if you come home at night and flop down on the couch and watch tv until you go to bed, those 5 hours or so you just spent watching tv are one of your life priorities.

If you spent 8 hours working at a job you hate, that job is still your priority. If this is fine with you then you’re doing okay. But if you spend time wishing you had a more fulfilling job or even something as simple as more time to read or learn to paint, then it’s time to think about your life priorities.

Think about why you’re doing something

Think about all the things you spend your time doing on an average day or even on the weekend. Why do you do those things? Are they really life priorities or do you just do them because that’s what you’ve always done? Also, do you always do something that’s taking a lot of your time without even realizing it? For example, do you come home and instantly flip on the tv? It takes time and concentration for that tv to be on even if you just have it on as background noise. Think about why you do that thing. Is it because you’re tired or just because you’ve gotten yourself in a rut without even realizing it? Is there something you could be doing that would make you happier?

Is what you do really all you want to do? Could you forego one evening of TV watching to do a weekend errand during the week so you’ll have a few hours open on the weekend to give to others? Don’t be like me and wait too long to get your priorities straight for if you do you might find it is too late and I’ll tell you my friend you will have missed out on some of life’s great rewards.

~~~

People first, then money, then things.

Suze Orman

~~~

A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup.

The nurse starts with certain basic items. “How much do you weigh?” she asks.

“One-seventy.” he says.

The nurse puts him on the scale.

It turns out that his weight is 183.

The nurse asks, “Your height?”

“Five-eleven.” he says.

The nurse checks and sees that he’s only 5′ 8 1/2″.

She then takes his blood pressure, and it’s very high.

The man explains, “Of course it’s high.  When I came in here, I was tall and wiry. Now, I’m short and fat!”

~~~

I’m convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I’m so far behind I’ll never die!

~~~

A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.

“Don’t play with your food,” one second-grader cited.

“Don’t be loud,” said another, and so on.

“And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?” the priest inquired of one little boy.

Without batting an eye, the child replied, “Order something cheap.”

~~~

“Law of Volunteer Labor”

People are always available for work in the past tense.

~~~

The roof of the chapel was leaking and the priest asked for volunteers to raise funds for its repair. Mike offered his services. About a week later, the priest met Mike who was straggling from side to side as a result of having imbibed too freely. Mike was apologetic. “I’m collecting for the roof, Father,” he said. “Every one of the neighbours I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after paying his subscription.” The priest was shocked. “Are there no teetotallers in the parish, Mike?” “Oh, yes, to be sure,” said Mike. ” I’ve written to them.”

~~~

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

~~~

“Your honor,” a defense attorney began, “I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr.  Johnson was nowhere near the scene of the crime when it occurred.”

The judge looked at the defense table and said, “This is the third time you’ve been in this court room this week, and I’m getting sick of hearing your lies.”

The defendant stood up with a confused expression and said, “Your honor, you must be mistaken.  I’ve never been here in my life.”

Waving his finger, the judge replied, “I was referring to your lawyer.”

~~~

She said, I haven’t found Mr. Right, but I have found Mr. Cheap, Mr. Sleazy and Mr. Wrong.

~~~

A medieval Jewish astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.  Sure enough, the woman died a short time later.  The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman’s death.  He summoned the astrologer and commanded him: “Prophet, tell me when you will die!”

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave.  “I do not know when I will die,” he answered finally.  “I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later.”

~~~

The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.

Stephen Covey

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.