Ray's musings and humor

Archive for April, 2010

Let’s celebrate, it’s May tomorrow!

"The world’s favorite season is the spring. All things seem possible in May."

Edwin Way Teale




Ah, tomorrow will be the first of May, one of my favorite months. I love the warm weather, the cool mornings, the flowers that abound and most of all I like all the smiling faces I see around me. Yep May is special, heck I am even old enough to remember the May Poles of Days gone by. Since tomorrow is May Day and I thought I would get a jump on other things that make the month special and check on the role that my fellow citizens and me are asked to play during the month. So here we go, May is:

Better Hearing and Speech Month – I will have to really work at this one because too much of the things I am hearing is hate speech and I’d rather not hear it.

Better Sleep Month – I don’t know if it can get any better at this but I’ll try, more naps coming up.

Borderline Personality Disorder Month – Avoid living on the border, be marginal where you are.

Creative Beginnings Month – I love this, permission to begin yet again and to do it creatively.

Get Caught Reading Month – I hope they don’t catch reading such things as …Oh well, I won’t go there.

Gifts from the Garden Month – This is my favorite, tomorrow morning I will be at one of my favorite Farmers Markets for their season opening.

International Victorious Woman Month – I don’t want to fight, you win, I give up.

Meditation Month – I need to think about this one.

National Family Month – Take time to talk to a family member, who knows you might meet someone you like.

National High Blood Pressure Month – In my case every day is Blood Pressure Day as I take my handful of blood pressure medications.

National Mental Health Month – The thing I like about this is that I can go crazy the rest of the year.

National Preservation Month and Older Americans Month – Do your part, preserve a senior.

National Share A Story month – Did I ever tell you the one about……maybe later, I am going out and enjoying the day, I hope you will too.


"A little Madness in the Spring

Is wholesome even for the King."

Emily Dickinson


Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees, and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.


"I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection."

Thomas Paine


Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books – Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court. From Mrs. Gilman’s two volumes, here are a couple of my favorite transcripts, all recorded by America’s keepers of the word:


Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

A. No.


Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.


For every minute you are angry with someone, you lose 60 seconds of happiness that you can never get back.


A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They got on either end of the couch and struggled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn’t budge.

"Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We’ll never get this in."

A frustrated voice came from the other side of the couch: "In?"


In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer


A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman, "I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs. Why don’t you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can’t get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can’t do it."

"In that case," said the deputy, "you’re under arrest."


The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.


A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband…much happier ! "

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I’m not in Heaven, dear."


"Earth teach me to forget myself as melted snow forgets its life.

Earth teach me resignation as the leaves which die in the fall.

Earth teach me courage as the tree which stands all alone.

Earth teach me regeneration as the seed which rises in the spring. "

William Alexander


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.


Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.


This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Want a dynamic life?

"Fill your life with as many moments and experiences of joy and passion as you humanly can. Start with one experience and build on it."

Marcia Wieder




I have been really fortunate in my life to have had the opportunity to meet and often work with some amazing people. Almost always these were folks who were full of energy, confidence and enthusiasm. They never spent a lot of time standing around talking about what we might do, rather they would reach out and holler “come on lets go do it now!” The ones I always liked best were those who made the challenges fun and who maintained their sense of humor.

As I look back I find countless examples of how working with people with a positive outlook on life and who did not wait to do what needed to be done spilled over and fueled my own enthusiasm and sense of accomplishment. I liked Steve Brunkhorst thoughts on living a dynamic life that he shared not too long ago, here is what he said.


One who lives a dynamic life is energetic, passionate, enthusiastic, and vigorously active. A firm commitment to one’s purpose and goals is the foundation of the joy, power, and resilience he or she experiences each day.

Here are seven tips for living a dynamic life…

1. Accept every challenge as an invitation to expand your creativity and deepen your wisdom. Remember that each small victory is one step closer to a larger goal.

2. Honor your commitments in all things. Dare to build a legacy of integrity.

3. Build a support network. Seek the support of others who appreciate you and will encourage and assist you in achieving your goals.

4. Create a healthy self-nurturing environment. Balance activities that nourish body, mind, and spirit. Balance provides the energy to live passionately, joyfully, and actively.

5. Look backward to learn, and look forward to achieve. Expand your horizons to include new goals for a day when you have achieved your current goals.

6. Expect and accept only the best. Do not settle for something that does not align with your values or purpose.

7. Express gratitude daily. Allow the rarity of each day’s beauty to fill your moments with memories to treasure throughout your life.


I am grateful to Steve for his suggestions for while I have lived a full and gratifying life so far there are still great opportunities for more good things ahead. By following his advice I know I will continue to be able to work with some of the best and brightest and that will continue to make every day special.


Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

Mary Oliver


Some headlines from the past you may have missed:

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66


"I’ve learned that I should make the little decisions with my head and the big decisions with my heart."


A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I’ll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!"


She said: It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink.


I suppose some degree of commerce would grind to a halt if telephone solicitors weren’t able to call people at home during the dinner hour.  But that doesn’t make it any more pleasant.

Now Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, has proposed "Three Little Words" based on his brief experience in a telemarketing operation — that would stop the nuisance for all time.  The three little words are "Hold on, please."

Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off instead of hanging up immediately — would make each telemarketing call so time-consuming that boiler rooms would grind to a halt.

When you eventually hear the phone company’s beep-beep-beep tone, you know it’s time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.


She said, men have feelings too (but who really cares)


A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.

One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.

When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."


"A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over; nobody’s home.’  I went over. Nobody was home."

Rodney Dangerfield


A little boy, who was "very" much afraid of the dark, was told by his mother to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. You don’t have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there he’ll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he’s out there?"

"Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called "Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?


"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart. Pursue those."

Michael Nolan


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.


Ray Mitchell


Indianapolis, Indiana


Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.


This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Dare to be different

It gives me great pleasure indeed to see the stubbornness of an incorrigible nonconformist warmly acclaimed.

Albert Einstein




There is a major oil spill in the gulf, the temperature has plunged to near freezing, and I am off to meet with a former colleague and lasting friend prior to attending a lecture on US – China relations. Rather than making an attempt at sharing wisdom I decided to go back six years and see what I had to say then. Here is what I wrote on April 28, 2004.


One of my pals sent this piece of wisdom:

If you spend all your energy avoiding the possibility of failure, failure is precisely what you’ll get. To avail yourself of life’s rewards, you must be willing to live with some of life’s risks. It is indeed foolish to take unnecessary risks. It is even more foolish to avoid risk completely.

When you take action, there’s always a chance that something will go wrong. Yet if you never go ahead with the action, you’ll never get anything accomplished. When you make a decision, there’s always a chance that you could be wrong. Yet if you never made a decision, you’d never get anything right.

There is risk in life, and life is certainly worth the risk. Know the risks, prepare for them, manage them, and get accustomed to living with them. Be willing to live with the possibility of failure. And you’re on your way to achieving amazing success.

Each of us is conditioned from the time we are little to conform. Parents set rules, society imposes convention, managers set limits, and friends criticize. My fear has always been that the more restrictions and limits we place on others the more we assure their conformance and stifle their performance. I think that spills into our private lives as well, many of us are so conditioned that we don’t even consider breaking out of our molds. Look around and I think you will see that those who have the most fun, those that get the most done, and those who have the greatest amount of self satisfaction are the non-conformists. So do something crazy once in awhile, forget the critics and enjoy the people who will join you as you proceed to enjoy life.


I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don’t want to buy things they don’t need to impress people they dislike.

Emile Henry Gauvreau


Carolyn sent this to us, I doubt she is a blonde.

Why won’t they hire blondes as pharmacists? (They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? (It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? (To see what was on the other side.)

Why do blondes have more fun? (They’re easier to amuse.)

Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air? (She missed.)

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? (Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)

Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? (She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)


Maxine on "Lawn Care"

"The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."


A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD".

The Pastor said "SEX!" The congregation fell in total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."


We can’t change how we started out but starting now we can change the ending.


With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN IT CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it…"


A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life"


An evangelist had a great revival camp going.  One night he was up in front of a large audience, speaking on imperfection.  He asked his audience towards the end, "Has anyone ever known anyone who has come CLOSE to the perfection of our lord, Jesus Christ?"

Nobody, of course raised their hand.  So he issued the question again.  "Anybody! Has ANYONE ever known that kind of perfection?"

Finally a guy in the back raised his hand, so of course he was asked to stand up. "Tell us.  Tell us who you knew who was so close to perfection."

The man responded, "My wife’s first husband."


"We can’t all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by."

Will Rogers


Mr. & Mrs. Jones were eating breakfast one morning and Mrs. was reading a letter while she ate.

Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that?  I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience.  You did write to her, didn’t you?"

"Er, yes, honey, I did," said the husband.  "But I couldn’t spell ‘convenience’, so I substituted ‘risk’." (last time we checked, this husband was still recovering from his injuries.)


I had amnesia once — or twice.


A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck.

Finally, I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.

"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby. You can wait there."


The idea that men are created free and equal is both true and misleading: men are created different; they lose their social freedom and their individual autonomy in seeking to become like each other.

David Riesman


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.


Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.


This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Be Wise!

Wisdom is knowing what to do next; Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

David Starr Jordan:




One day last week I shared some thoughts from a friend who had just reached fifty, they were reported to be some of his learned life lessons. I thought I would pull up a few more for me to think about and to share with you, so here goes.

  • Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good. – In my case I think it is fair more times than not, but there are times when it’s not and then we have a choice. Linger with it and getting bogged down or not letting it get to us and moving on. I have found it is just not worth letting unfairness takes its toll.
  • When in doubt, just take the next small step. – I have learned that stopping can be fatal, it becomes to easy to just give up, always putting off moving on. Read a book, see a neighbor, start an easy project, there is always something to be done on your way to the next big step.
  • Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. – I am dismayed by how much hatred I see around me everyday. Haters provide me a choice, I can walk away from those who try to install their hate in my mind or I can give them the opportunity to steal my happiness. We can solve problems constructively together or we can fall into the trap of feeling that success requires tearing down those we don’t like. Fortunately life rewards the builders and leaves the destroyers behind amidst the rubble they create.
  • Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does. – Like I have often said, this is as good as I get, take me or leave me, it is up to you. I promise to always do my best but I know I often stumble, but that’s fine with me. Anyway I’d rather be a little silly and not always serious.
  • You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. – A friend told me one time that he thought I had the ability to lose gracefully and that as a result I was always allowed to come back and play another day, I think it was one of the best complements I have ever received. I even like to lose when I am wrong for I will have learned something.
  • Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present. – Don’t underestimate the importance of this advice. If you are like I am you know all kinds of folks who carry the burden of their past pain, some lasting from their childhood. I have made many mistakes and have often felt pain in the past, but I cannot change history so I’ll not waste time living it down, I am much happier writing a new history page each day.


The truest greatness lies in being kind, the truest wisdom in a happy mind.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox


She said, I a Dominican sister, I lived in a convent named for a deceased pope. One day while I was wearing contemporary clothes instead of my habit, I drove into a gas station to get the communal car filled up. After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked toward my car window to return my credit card.  It was clear from his furrowed brow that he had something on his mind.

The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the convent’s name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card. “Pardon me,” he asked hesitantly, “but how do you pronounce your husband’s middle name?”


"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt


They say that a preacher’s wife is always his number one assistant. An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer time went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don’t think the sermon ever got off the ground."

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"


One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.

Sigmund Freud


Morris and Rachel are sweethearts. Morris lives in a small village out in the country and Rachel lives in town. One day, they go to see the Rabbi and set a date for their wedding. Before they leave, the Rabbi asks them whether they want a contemporary or traditional service. After a short discussion, they opt for the contemporary service.

Their day arrives but the weather is rotten and a storm forces Morris to take an alternate route to the synagogue. The village streets are flooded, so he rolls up his trouser legs to keep his trousers dry.

When at last he reaches the shul, his best man immediately rushes him up the aisle. As the ceremony starts, the Rabbi whispers to Morris, "Pull down your trousers."

"Rabbi, I’ve changed my mind," says Morris, "I think I prefer the traditional service."


Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.


A gal was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.  She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that’s a thermos…..it keeps things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that’s amazing….I’m going to buy it !" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What’s that,’ he asked? "Why, that’s a thermos…..it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two popsicles, and some coffee."


Why is it called ‘after dark’, when it is really after light?


A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes.  "I’ll have a Jumbo Jet," he said.  When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway.

He called his waiter over and asked, "Was that the Jumbo Jet?"

"Yeah," the waiter answered.  "Went pretty fast, didn’t it?"


Success is liking yourself, liking what you do and liking how you do it.

Maya Angelou


Jill: What happened to you and your last boyfriend?

Mary: Well, you know how men are supposed to be hunters and women are supposed to be gatherers?

Jill: Yeah, I know about that.

Mary: Well, he couldn’t hunt enough money to keep up with my gathering.


One’s first step in wisdom is to question everything – and one’s last is to come to terms with everything.

Georg C. Lichtenberg


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.


Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.


This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Refill the gaps!

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”

Mother Teresa




I mentioned to a friend at breakfast last Saturday how important I think it is for us to constantly refill gaps in our lives as the years go by. I think too many see friends retire and move away, others relocate, kids get jobs long distances away and far too many loved ones die too soon. If we don’t find replacements for them our lives can soon become uninteresting and far too lonely. It would be as if we were a tree in a forest where tree after tree has died through fire, disease or pestilence to the point where all that is left is our self, alone in a barren land.

The next day my Australian Guardian Angel sent me an article written by Nazia Mallick entitled 30 Ways to Add More Life to Your Years that has some good suggestions on how we can keep living interesting and rewarding lives thus helping us avoid the loneliness that comes from isolation. I have selected a few of the suggestions to share with you today. I honestly believe that we all have the capacity to enjoy what life offers us, all we have to do is not give up and continue to invest in ourselves everyday.

Ways to Add More Life to Your Years

  • Great love and great achievement involve great risk. Take the risk anyway.
  • When you love someone, love them deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it is the only way to live life fully.
  • Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship. Make amends immediately.
  • When you realize you have made a mistake, hurt someone’s feelings, take immediate steps to correct it. Ask forgiveness.
  • Keep your arms open to change, but don’t let go of your personal values.
  • Quiet the voice in your head that says “I can’t do this.”
  • Always live in a radiating possibility; become part of life’s song.
  • Make conscious effort to change at least one negative attitude in your personality everyday. Surprise yourself.
  • Avoid judging people by their relatives. Accept them for who they are.
  • Try to live a good and honorable life because when you get older and reflect upon it, you’ll get to enjoy it a second time.
  • Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
  • Once a year plan to go to someplace you have never been before. It rejuvenates you like no other.
  • When you are having disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current problem. Never rake up the past.
  • The best relationship is the one when your love for one another is greater than your need for one another.
  • When you hug someone, open your heart. Do it with love.
  • Make eye contact. Look people in the eye softly when you speak to them. Try it and see the difference.
  • Your character is your destiny. Build your character.
  • Sometimes, not getting what you want is actually a blessing in disguise. Always look at the blessing.
  • Take serious care of your health. Health indeed is wealth, not a cliché.
  • Live life like it is your last day on the earth. King size.

To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.

Mark Twain


You know you’re a nurse if……

You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.

You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are unconscious.

You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.

You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock

Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.

You carry spare meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.

You refuse to watch ER because it’s too much like the real thing and triggers flash backs.

You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse.

You don’t get excited about blood loss…unless it’s your own.

You live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult."

You’ve told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and to HOLLER if they need help.

Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago’s water tank.

You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner, break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.


Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

Mary Kelly


A young Army private seeks permission from his commanding officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explains, "my wife’s expecting."

"I understand," the officer tells him. "You go, and tell your wife that I wish her luck."

The following week the same soldier is back again with the same explanation: "My wife’s expecting."

The officer looks surprised. "Still expecting?" he asks. "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off."

When the same soldier appears again the third week, however, the officer loses his temper.

"Don’t tell me your wife is still expecting," he says.

"Yes, sir," says the soldier resolutely. "She’s still expecting."

"What in heaven is she expecting?" cries the officer.

Says the soldier simply, "Me."


Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.


A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds, he remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?"

She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"


Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?


Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy, you’re lucky.  My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me heck for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second deaf man signed, "I turned out the light!"


Put blinders on to those things that conspire to hold you back, especially the ones in your own head. Guard your good mood. Listen to music every day, joke, and love and read more for fun, especially poetry.

Meryl Streep


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.


Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.


This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

I hope your life is as happy as mine

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

George Bernard Shaw




A few years ago a friend who was then turning 50 sent me a list of his revised life lessons. As you can expect it was a long list. Today I want to share just a few of them with my comments. I have found it is never too late to make life adjustments, especially when the pay off is more enjoyment and satisfaction.

A few from Ken’s list

  • If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back. – Boy is this true or what? Most of us only have to look around to see how much better off we are than those who are poor, hungry, homeless and unloved.
  • Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. – I really agree with this one, each day provides its own opportunities it should not be loaded down with problems from the past or fear of the future.
  • Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful. – This is something I need to do better; I collect too much that becomes part of dusty piles. Beauty and joy don’t come from those things we keep to use someday. The clutter distracts the mind as well. Keep the best and toss the rest so you can focus on what contains latent beauty and joy waiting to be used.
  • All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. – How true! We get so use to our friends and loved ones it becomes too easy to take them for granted. Stop once in awhile and think what life would be like if they were not there.
  • Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. – Many might think that my life is not all that great, but I don’t care. I honestly envy no one and would not trade my life with all its trials and tribulations for I have far too much to lose, including each of you.
  • The best is yet to come. – I rarely see what that might be but I am always ready and expecting the best and I am seldom disappointed. As you have often heard me say, this year is my best so far, and you know what? I have absolutely no reason to find reasons why I may be wrong.


We can throw stones, complain about them, stumble on them, climb over them, or build with them.

William Arthur Ward


George, a career Army officer I once met, was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop.  The flight was pretty rough, and, after a while, George called off the jump because of high winds.  As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick. 

"How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn’t handle the smooth landing?" asked George.

"Well, Sir," one trainee explained, "we’ve always jumped out of planes. We’ve never actually landed before."


Something popped into my mind and left right away. Maybe it was lonely.


After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service.

The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.  "You misunderstood my announcement.  This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister.

"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I’d like to meet him."


I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think.


HOME HINTS – Martha Stewart’s Way Vs The Real Woman’s Way

Martha’s way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Women’s Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha’s way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women’s Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha’s way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women’s Way: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.

Martha’s way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

The Real Women’s Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me: The Real Women’s motto: I made it and you will eat it and Idon’t care how bad it tastes.

Martha’s way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Women’s Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha’s way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women’s Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don’t do it.

Martha’s way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women’s Way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can’t rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn’t the headache anymore, it is because you are now BLIND!

Martha’s way #8: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women’s Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip……

Martha’s way #9: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women’s Way: Leftover wine?


A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.


A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."

The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady.

It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.

The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan."

The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here."

The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."

The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she’s walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."


Lead the life that will make you kindly and friendly to everyone about you,

and you will be surprised what a happy life you will lead.

Charles M. Schwab


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.


Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.


This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

I got off the treadmill, you can too!

"The one who would be in constant happiness must frequently change."




I was reading the latest Wilson Quarterly the other day and ran across a summary of an article on what the future might hold for our offspring. The author reported that wealth and material goods do not insure happiness; in fact he reported that many get on what behavioral scientists call the “Hedonic Treadmill.” Folks start to acquire wealth and material goods and soon it is never enough, they always think they need a bigger, faster, more luxurious car. The $3,000 home video system is no longer good enough, it goes on and on. The house is constantly in a state of change and buying more becomes almost an obsession.

I must admit I have often been guilty of wanting to acquire the latest toy or felt the need for a new car more often than necessary. It was as if I was collection things believing that the more I had the better person I would seem to be in the eyes of not only others but also myself. I honestly now feel that my real growth started when I evolved to the point where I realized I did not need it all, in fact I don’t even need much of what I have left.

For me it has become not acquiring things I don’t really need that has left me with a level of satisfaction I seldom felt in the past. I can’t have at all and I am thankful that I can’t, for where would I put it, what would I do with it and what would I miss if I was so busy acquiring that I did not have time for living.

Confucius said constant happiness requires frequent change. In my case he was right, for each year my life has gotten better as I have changed. A few years ago I saved an article that offered Confucius’ steps to happiness, I have listed the basic principles below. I wish I knew who wrote the piece so I could give the author credit but unfortunately I don’t know who he or she is.

1. Invest in intimate ties

Confucianism’s view of life is built on the idea of ‘Jen’. This means a feeling of concern for the wellbeing of others. Those following Confucianism should bring Jen into both their social relations and, so far as they are able, into society itself. Compared with the modern observed conditions of happiness this looks like good advice. Generally speaking marriage makes us happier, more friends make us happier and people are especially happy if they have someone to confide in.

2. Embrace society

Society is accepted within Confucianism and the philosophy encourages its followers to engage in it. Looking at the research, this is also good advice. People who are members of clubs, churches and other organisations are happier, people who have a job are happier, and so on. The evidence shows that this is also true at a societal level. Countries in which people have the densest networks of friends are also those in which people are the happiest.

3. Be successful

Confucianism recommends a devotion to your occupation. The wealth earned from working is also seen in a positive light within Confucianism. Generally speaking people with more money and higher status are happier (but bear in mind that more money doesn’t always equal more happiness).

I agree but not for the acquisition of wealth but rather to participate in meaningful activity. Ray

4. Have fun

Confucius thought moderate amounts of fun were acceptable. This is backed up by modern research finding that people who engage in pleasurable activities are happier (I know, surprise surprise!).

5. Live healthily

Still in the land of the blindingly obvious – yes, people who are healthier are happier. Still, just because the advice is obvious doesn’t mean it’s any less relevant, or any more likely for people to actually act on!

6. Meet your obligations

One of the most important aspects of ancient Chinese Confucianism is a sense of duty and responsibility. There’s some sparse evidence from the individual level that this might lead to greater happiness.

7. School yourself

You’ve guessed it, the well-educated are also happier.


To be able under all circumstances to practice five things constitutes perfect virtue; these five things are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness and kindness.



A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days. "Just act surprised and tell them you didn’t think that they were old enough to remember them."


I’ve got it all together and now I’ve forgotten where I put it.


An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town.  The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest. No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered.  It was a simple place …  2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment.  Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove.  It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron.  What was strange about it was its location …  it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist.  "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer.  "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics.  By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I’m sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning.  Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries." The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. 

When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct.  "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."


SHE SAID: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.

HE SAID: Don’t you ever want to improve?


Heavily laden with groceries, my aunt asked a young clerk at the grocery store to accompany her to her car.  Arriving there, she unlocked and opened the doors and, without thinking, sat down in the back seat to check off her list of errands. A moment later, the perplexed clerk walked around the car to my aunt.

"Lady," he said firmly, "I don’t mind helping you load your groceries, but I really gotta draw the line at driving you home."


A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.


A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what’s sex?"

Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub-topics and by the time he’s finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks, "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs…"


Go before the people with your example, and be laborious in their affairs.



Stay well, do good work, and have fun.


Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.


This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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