Ray's Daily

"The world’s favorite season is the spring. All things seem possible in May."

Edwin Way Teale

Ah, tomorrow will be the first of May, one of my favorite months. I love the warm weather, the cool mornings, the flowers that abound and most of all I like all the smiling faces I see around me. Yep May is special, heck I am even old enough to remember the May Poles of Days gone by. Since tomorrow is May Day and I thought I would get a jump on other things that make the month special and check on the role that my fellow citizens and me are asked to play during the month. So here we go, May is:

Better Hearing and Speech Month – I will have to really work at this one because too much of the things I am hearing is hate speech and I’d rather not hear it.

Better Sleep Month – I don’t know if it can get any better at this but I’ll try, more naps coming up.

Borderline Personality Disorder Month – Avoid living on the border, be marginal where you are.

Creative Beginnings Month – I love this, permission to begin yet again and to do it creatively.

Get Caught Reading Month – I hope they don’t catch reading such things as …Oh well, I won’t go there.

Gifts from the Garden Month – This is my favorite, tomorrow morning I will be at one of my favorite Farmers Markets for their season opening.

International Victorious Woman Month – I don’t want to fight, you win, I give up.

Meditation Month – I need to think about this one.

National Family Month – Take time to talk to a family member, who knows you might meet someone you like.

National High Blood Pressure Month – In my case every day is Blood Pressure Day as I take my handful of blood pressure medications.

National Mental Health Month – The thing I like about this is that I can go crazy the rest of the year.

National Preservation Month and Older Americans Month – Do your part, preserve a senior.

National Share A Story month – Did I ever tell you the one about……maybe later, I am going out and enjoying the day, I hope you will too.

~~~

"A little Madness in the Spring

Is wholesome even for the King."

Emily Dickinson

~~~

Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees, and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

~~~

"I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection."

Thomas Paine

~~~

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books – Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court. From Mrs. Gilman’s two volumes, here are a couple of my favorite transcripts, all recorded by America’s keepers of the word:

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

A. No.

Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.

~~~

For every minute you are angry with someone, you lose 60 seconds of happiness that you can never get back.

~~~

A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They got on either end of the couch and struggled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn’t budge.

"Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We’ll never get this in."

A frustrated voice came from the other side of the couch: "In?"

~~~

In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

~~~

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman, "I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs. Why don’t you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can’t get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can’t do it."

"In that case," said the deputy, "you’re under arrest."

~~~

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

~~~

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband…much happier ! "

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I’m not in Heaven, dear."

~~~

"Earth teach me to forget myself as melted snow forgets its life.

Earth teach me resignation as the leaves which die in the fall.

Earth teach me courage as the tree which stands all alone.

Earth teach me regeneration as the seed which rises in the spring. "

William Alexander

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

"Fill your life with as many moments and experiences of joy and passion as you humanly can. Start with one experience and build on it."

Marcia Wieder

I have been really fortunate in my life to have had the opportunity to meet and often work with some amazing people. Almost always these were folks who were full of energy, confidence and enthusiasm. They never spent a lot of time standing around talking about what we might do, rather they would reach out and holler “come on lets go do it now!” The ones I always liked best were those who made the challenges fun and who maintained their sense of humor.

As I look back I find countless examples of how working with people with a positive outlook on life and who did not wait to do what needed to be done spilled over and fueled my own enthusiasm and sense of accomplishment. I liked Steve Brunkhorst thoughts on living a dynamic life that he shared not too long ago, here is what he said.

One who lives a dynamic life is energetic, passionate, enthusiastic, and vigorously active. A firm commitment to one’s purpose and goals is the foundation of the joy, power, and resilience he or she experiences each day.

Here are seven tips for living a dynamic life…

1. Accept every challenge as an invitation to expand your creativity and deepen your wisdom. Remember that each small victory is one step closer to a larger goal.

2. Honor your commitments in all things. Dare to build a legacy of integrity.

3. Build a support network. Seek the support of others who appreciate you and will encourage and assist you in achieving your goals.

4. Create a healthy self-nurturing environment. Balance activities that nourish body, mind, and spirit. Balance provides the energy to live passionately, joyfully, and actively.

5. Look backward to learn, and look forward to achieve. Expand your horizons to include new goals for a day when you have achieved your current goals.

6. Expect and accept only the best. Do not settle for something that does not align with your values or purpose.

7. Express gratitude daily. Allow the rarity of each day’s beauty to fill your moments with memories to treasure throughout your life.

I am grateful to Steve for his suggestions for while I have lived a full and gratifying life so far there are still great opportunities for more good things ahead. By following his advice I know I will continue to be able to work with some of the best and brightest and that will continue to make every day special.

~~~

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

Mary Oliver

~~~

Some headlines from the past you may have missed:

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

~~~

"I’ve learned that I should make the little decisions with my head and the big decisions with my heart."

~~~

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I’ll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!"

~~~

She said: It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink.

~~~

I suppose some degree of commerce would grind to a halt if telephone solicitors weren’t able to call people at home during the dinner hour.  But that doesn’t make it any more pleasant.

Now Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, has proposed "Three Little Words" based on his brief experience in a telemarketing operation — that would stop the nuisance for all time.  The three little words are "Hold on, please."

Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off instead of hanging up immediately — would make each telemarketing call so time-consuming that boiler rooms would grind to a halt.

When you eventually hear the phone company’s beep-beep-beep tone, you know it’s time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

~~~

She said, men have feelings too (but who really cares)

~~~

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.

One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.

When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."

~~~

"A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over; nobody’s home.’  I went over. Nobody was home."

Rodney Dangerfield

~~~

A little boy, who was "very" much afraid of the dark, was told by his mother to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. You don’t have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there he’ll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he’s out there?"

"Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called "Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?

~~~

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart. Pursue those."

Michael Nolan

~~~

It gives me great pleasure indeed to see the stubbornness of an incorrigible nonconformist warmly acclaimed.

Albert Einstein

There is a major oil spill in the gulf, the temperature has plunged to near freezing, and I am off to meet with a former colleague and lasting friend prior to attending a lecture on US – China relations. Rather than making an attempt at sharing wisdom I decided to go back six years and see what I had to say then. Here is what I wrote on April 28, 2004.

~~~

One of my pals sent this piece of wisdom:

If you spend all your energy avoiding the possibility of failure, failure is precisely what you’ll get. To avail yourself of life’s rewards, you must be willing to live with some of life’s risks. It is indeed foolish to take unnecessary risks. It is even more foolish to avoid risk completely.

When you take action, there’s always a chance that something will go wrong. Yet if you never go ahead with the action, you’ll never get anything accomplished. When you make a decision, there’s always a chance that you could be wrong. Yet if you never made a decision, you’d never get anything right.

There is risk in life, and life is certainly worth the risk. Know the risks, prepare for them, manage them, and get accustomed to living with them. Be willing to live with the possibility of failure. And you’re on your way to achieving amazing success.

Each of us is conditioned from the time we are little to conform. Parents set rules, society imposes convention, managers set limits, and friends criticize. My fear has always been that the more restrictions and limits we place on others the more we assure their conformance and stifle their performance. I think that spills into our private lives as well, many of us are so conditioned that we don’t even consider breaking out of our molds. Look around and I think you will see that those who have the most fun, those that get the most done, and those who have the greatest amount of self satisfaction are the non-conformists. So do something crazy once in awhile, forget the critics and enjoy the people who will join you as you proceed to enjoy life.

~~~

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don’t want to buy things they don’t need to impress people they dislike.

Emile Henry Gauvreau

~~~

Carolyn sent this to us, I doubt she is a blonde.

Why won’t they hire blondes as pharmacists? (They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? (It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? (To see what was on the other side.)

Why do blondes have more fun? (They’re easier to amuse.)

Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air? (She missed.)

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? (Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)

Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? (She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)

~~~

Maxine on "Lawn Care"

"The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

~~~

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD".

The Pastor said "SEX!" The congregation fell in total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

~~~

We can’t change how we started out but starting now we can change the ending.

~~~

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN IT CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it…"

~~~

A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life"

~~~

An evangelist had a great revival camp going.  One night he was up in front of a large audience, speaking on imperfection.  He asked his audience towards the end, "Has anyone ever known anyone who has come CLOSE to the perfection of our lord, Jesus Christ?"

Nobody, of course raised their hand.  So he issued the question again.  "Anybody! Has ANYONE ever known that kind of perfection?"

Finally a guy in the back raised his hand, so of course he was asked to stand up. "Tell us.  Tell us who you knew who was so close to perfection."

The man responded, "My wife’s first husband."

~~~

"We can’t all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by."

Will Rogers

~~~

Mr. & Mrs. Jones were eating breakfast one morning and Mrs. was reading a letter while she ate.

Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that?  I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience.  You did write to her, didn’t you?"

"Er, yes, honey, I did," said the husband.  "But I couldn’t spell ‘convenience’, so I substituted ‘risk’." (last time we checked, this husband was still recovering from his injuries.)

~~~

I had amnesia once — or twice.

~~~

A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck.

Finally, I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.

"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby. You can wait there."

~~~

The idea that men are created free and equal is both true and misleading: men are created different; they lose their social freedom and their individual autonomy in seeking to become like each other.

David Riesman

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”

Mother Teresa

I mentioned to a friend at breakfast last Saturday how important I think it is for us to constantly refill gaps in our lives as the years go by. I think too many see friends retire and move away, others relocate, kids get jobs long distances away and far too many loved ones die too soon. If we don’t find replacements for them our lives can soon become uninteresting and far too lonely. It would be as if we were a tree in a forest where tree after tree has died through fire, disease or pestilence to the point where all that is left is our self, alone in a barren land.

The next day my Australian Guardian Angel sent me an article written by Nazia Mallick entitled 30 Ways to Add More Life to Your Years that has some good suggestions on how we can keep living interesting and rewarding lives thus helping us avoid the loneliness that comes from isolation. I have selected a few of the suggestions to share with you today. I honestly believe that we all have the capacity to enjoy what life offers us, all we have to do is not give up and continue to invest in ourselves everyday.

Ways to Add More Life to Your Years

• Great love and great achievement involve great risk. Take the risk anyway.
• When you love someone, love them deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it is the only way to live life fully.
• Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship. Make amends immediately.
• When you realize you have made a mistake, hurt someone’s feelings, take immediate steps to correct it. Ask forgiveness.
• Keep your arms open to change, but don’t let go of your personal values.
• Quiet the voice in your head that says “I can’t do this.”
• Always live in a radiating possibility; become part of life’s song.
• Make conscious effort to change at least one negative attitude in your personality everyday. Surprise yourself.
• Avoid judging people by their relatives. Accept them for who they are.
• Try to live a good and honorable life because when you get older and reflect upon it, you’ll get to enjoy it a second time.
• Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
• Once a year plan to go to someplace you have never been before. It rejuvenates you like no other.
• When you are having disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current problem. Never rake up the past.
• The best relationship is the one when your love for one another is greater than your need for one another.
• When you hug someone, open your heart. Do it with love.
• Make eye contact. Look people in the eye softly when you speak to them. Try it and see the difference.
• Your character is your destiny. Build your character.
• Sometimes, not getting what you want is actually a blessing in disguise. Always look at the blessing.
• Take serious care of your health. Health indeed is wealth, not a cliché.
• Live life like it is your last day on the earth. King size.

To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.

Mark Twain

~~~

You know you’re a nurse if……

You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.

You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are unconscious.

You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.

You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock

Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.

You carry spare meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.

You refuse to watch ER because it’s too much like the real thing and triggers flash backs.

You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse.

You don’t get excited about blood loss…unless it’s your own.

You live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult."

You’ve told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and to HOLLER if they need help.

Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago’s water tank.

You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner, break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.

~~~

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

Mary Kelly

~~~

A young Army private seeks permission from his commanding officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explains, "my wife’s expecting."

"I understand," the officer tells him. "You go, and tell your wife that I wish her luck."

The following week the same soldier is back again with the same explanation: "My wife’s expecting."

The officer looks surprised. "Still expecting?" he asks. "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off."

When the same soldier appears again the third week, however, the officer loses his temper.

"Don’t tell me your wife is still expecting," he says.

"Yes, sir," says the soldier resolutely. "She’s still expecting."

"What in heaven is she expecting?" cries the officer.

Says the soldier simply, "Me."

~~~

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

~~~

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds, he remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?"

She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

~~~

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

~~~

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy, you’re lucky.  My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me heck for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second deaf man signed, "I turned out the light!"

~~~

Put blinders on to those things that conspire to hold you back, especially the ones in your own head. Guard your good mood. Listen to music every day, joke, and love and read more for fun, especially poetry.

Meryl Streep

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

George Bernard Shaw

A few years ago a friend who was then turning 50 sent me a list of his revised life lessons. As you can expect it was a long list. Today I want to share just a few of them with my comments. I have found it is never too late to make life adjustments, especially when the pay off is more enjoyment and satisfaction.

A few from Ken’s list

• If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back. – Boy is this true or what? Most of us only have to look around to see how much better off we are than those who are poor, hungry, homeless and unloved.
• Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. – I really agree with this one, each day provides its own opportunities it should not be loaded down with problems from the past or fear of the future.
• Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful. – This is something I need to do better; I collect too much that becomes part of dusty piles. Beauty and joy don’t come from those things we keep to use someday. The clutter distracts the mind as well. Keep the best and toss the rest so you can focus on what contains latent beauty and joy waiting to be used.
• All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. – How true! We get so use to our friends and loved ones it becomes too easy to take them for granted. Stop once in awhile and think what life would be like if they were not there.
• Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. – Many might think that my life is not all that great, but I don’t care. I honestly envy no one and would not trade my life with all its trials and tribulations for I have far too much to lose, including each of you.
• The best is yet to come. – I rarely see what that might be but I am always ready and expecting the best and I am seldom disappointed. As you have often heard me say, this year is my best so far, and you know what? I have absolutely no reason to find reasons why I may be wrong.

~~~

We can throw stones, complain about them, stumble on them, climb over them, or build with them.

William Arthur Ward

~~~

George, a career Army officer I once met, was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop.  The flight was pretty rough, and, after a while, George called off the jump because of high winds.  As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick. 

"How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn’t handle the smooth landing?" asked George.

"Well, Sir," one trainee explained, "we’ve always jumped out of planes. We’ve never actually landed before."

~~~

Something popped into my mind and left right away. Maybe it was lonely.

~~~

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service.

The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.  "You misunderstood my announcement.  This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister.

"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I’d like to meet him."

~~~

I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think.

~~~

HOME HINTS – Martha Stewart’s Way Vs The Real Woman’s Way

Martha’s way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Women’s Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha’s way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women’s Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha’s way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women’s Way: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.

Martha’s way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

The Real Women’s Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me: The Real Women’s motto: I made it and you will eat it and Idon’t care how bad it tastes.

Martha’s way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Women’s Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha’s way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women’s Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don’t do it.

Martha’s way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women’s Way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can’t rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn’t the headache anymore, it is because you are now BLIND!

Martha’s way #8: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women’s Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip……

Martha’s way #9: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women’s Way: Leftover wine?

~~~

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

~~~

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."

The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady.

It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.

The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan."

The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here."

The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."

The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she’s walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."

~~~

Lead the life that will make you kindly and friendly to everyone about you,

and you will be surprised what a happy life you will lead.

Charles M. Schwab

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

I learned that we can do anything, but we can’t do everything.. at least not at the same time. So think of your priorities not in terms of what activities you do, but when you do them. Timing is everything.

Dan Millman

I see kids all the time texting or using a computer handheld at the same time they are listening to something of importance. I often have television going while I think I am effectively reading a newspaper or a book. I also see all kinds of folks in their cars driving and talking on the phone at the same time. These days we call it multitasking, and unfortunately too many of us think we do it well and that it improves our efficiency when test after test proves the opposite.

The other day I realized that a byproduct of my multitasking behavior has been difficulty in sustaining effective concentration. It is an almost Pavlovian response that when I am home these days with  many things I want to do I end up trying to do at least two simultaneously and that my friends is dumb. I am pretty sure the reason that I enjoy being very early for meetings is that I use the waiting time for quality contemplation and reading.

Here are excerpts from a recent article by JoAnne Ceccarelli-Egan that I feel are on target:

Could Multitasking be a hindrance to you?

In an effort to keep stress contained, you get busier and your body learns to function in 5th gear and finds it difficult to slow down, relax and even sleep. Studies have shown that multitasking actually diminishes the effectiveness of performing tasks, increasing stress and activating the fight/flight response. Constant multitasking has been found to actually diminish brain function and kills brain cells. (David Meyer, Univ. of Michigan Study).

Multitasking Solutions

Is Multitasking the reality of your life? Are you caught in a cycle that is hard to break? What can you do about it? My first suggestion would be to become aware of it! When you are rushing, begin to distinguish when your life is full because that is your reality or if you are filling it up to distract yourself. If you are caught in the frenzy of multitasking, a good solution is to become conscious of what is happening at the specific time. It is helpful to be open to your thoughts and feelings and try not to evaluate or judge them. Begin to identify and label what is occurring and how you are feeling. For example, "I am thinking", "I am worrying", "I am feeling overwhelmed". You might also ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do I need to be doing this right now?

2. What could I postpone for a later date or not do at all?

3. What is the worst that would happen if I do not do it?

4. Do I want to do this now? If not, when?

5. How much time do I want to spend on it?

6. What motivates my behavior?

7. What would I be doing if I was not busy right now?

What do you do if the demands of life are real and you do have a great deal of expectations and responsibility? Have you ever considered making time to take a half an hour lunch break and go for a walk? Could you take a half day one weekend a month and spend it the way you wish? Is that too much time for "you"?

Does your mind race and have you forgotten how to relax? Are you conscious of what is happening in your day and your reaction to the situation? Are you honest with yourself?

~~~

"Most of the time multitasking is an illusion. You think you are multitasking, but in reality you’re actually wasting time switching from one task to another."

Boco Tjan – Professor at University of Southern California.

~~~

Young Morris asked his father, "Dad, was Adam Jewish?"

His father put down his newspaper and thought for a moment. He was an expert at Talmudic reasoning and in the art of making a point by an unanswerable question.

He replied, "If we can determine that Eve was Jewish, my son, we would at once see that Adam was Jewish, for who but a Jew could bring himself to marry a Jewish girl?" (Here he turned his head a bit nervously to make sure his wife wasn’t listening.)

"Therefore, we can drop the Adam problem and instead ask ourselves, "Was Eve Jewish?"

"To answer that, we have only to ask the question, "Would anyone but a Jewish girl say, ‘Here, have a piece of fruit’?"

~~~

If Barbie’s so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

~~~

Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk: 10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound 4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound 2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound 2 bars soap at $.83 each

"How much does that come to?" asked Larry.

"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents."

"If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the boy.

"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions. Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, "I don’t want to buy the item…that’s our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it."

~~~

Some people hold the key to the situation, and then are too lazy to turn it.

~~~

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

~~~

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.

~~~

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90 year old man. When she returned to her daughters house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!!!"

~~~

She said: My Dad had a sure way to keep my Mom from buying an outfit…

When she tries it on, he says, "I love that middle-aged look it gives you."

~~~

Tommy was sitting at the kitchen table eating his after school snack, when he blurted out, "Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I had any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

The boy’s mother replied, "That’s nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her that you were the only child in our family?"

"She just said, ‘Thank Goodness!’"

~~~

Ballerinas are always on their toes.  Why don’t they just get taller ballerinas?

~~~

My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run. After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything’s fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."

~~~

"We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck…But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness."

Ellen Goodman

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Anyone who proposes to do good must not expect people to roll stones out of his way,

but must accept his lot calmly if they even roll a few more upon it.

Albert Schweitzer

I recently met with a friend that I had not seen for over a year and I expressed my concern that it had taken so long to again meet. To my surprise I discovered that I had made my friend uncomfortable through my interest and concern for her wellbeing. As many of you know I have spent years working with others as they plan their life strategies and the steps that will take them where they want to go. I refuse any compensation for my time in the process, even to the point of turning down a cup of coffee on occasion.

I should not have been too surprised at my friend’s reaction as for many years I have run into folks that have been suspicious of my motivation. I remember thirty or so years ago when I was on the mayors employment and training board working to find ways to improve the future for our young unemployed. After serving a couple of years a community leader told me that it had taken him and others that long to become confident that I had no ulterior motive other than helping others.

It seems that way too many people have had so many bad experiences that they have become so suspicious and cynical that they resist human interaction. I think it is tragic that so many believe that people only do things when there is some kind of payoff. There is a big payoff, they just don’t see that it comes from helping someone be happier and building new friendships.

I am glad that I am still naive enough to believe that the people I meet are good people and that they have to prove otherwise before I’ll walk away. And you know what? In my three quarters of a century of life almost everyone I have met were people I still like, just in some cases they needed to decide that they could be happier if they just quit being so grouchy.

My only recent regret was that I did not clear the air of any of my friends concerns months ago for the time cannot be recaptured. Fortunately others have kept me more than busy and of course I did drop out on a number of occasions to either recreate or rehabilitate.

Here is something Ralph Marston wrote ten years ago, all our lives would better if we followed his advice and lowered our shields more often.

Thoughts of self

Imagine how it would be to go through this entire day without ever thinking of yourself. Think of all the concerns that would suddenly drop away. You’d be free to speak and act without worrying about what others would think. Your courage would soar because you’d be completely immune to fear and rejection. There would be no time wasted in being angry or taking offense or worrying. The limitations you’ve placed on yourself would completely disappear.

Just think of how much you could accomplish. Just think of the possibilities you could fulfill. Just think of the clear and refreshing sense of freedom it would bring.

The fact is, you can do it today. You can indeed be free of your own limitations, free from useless anger, worry, and despair. Decide to expand your focus beyond those familiar old self concerns which hold you down. Lose yourself in your own positive possibilities, and see what great things you can make happen today.

~~~

Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.

Henry Miller

~~~

My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently, he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

~~~

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs –jolted by every pebble in the road.

Henry Ward Beecher

~~~

A dog walks into a bar and says, "Hey, guess what! I’m a talking dog. Ever seen a talking dog before? I doubt it! So, how about a free drink for the talking dog?"

The bartender answers, "Sure, why not? The toilet’s right around the corner."

~~~

A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past; he is the one who is prematurely disappointed in the future.

Sydney J. Harris

~~~

My teenage niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here and don’t forget to let the people behind you know what you’re doing."

She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I’m going left!"

~~~

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

~~~

SOUTHERN SECURITY SYSTEM !!

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,

I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls-they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ’em in the house. Better wait outside.

~~~

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.

~~~

One evening, a wife drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple and how devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?"

"I don’t know her well enough."

~~~

“I always prefer to believe the best of everybody-it saves so much trouble.”

Rudyard Kipling

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.