Ray's Daily

“Life is full of obstacle illusions.”

Grant Frazier

As most of you know my favorite role model is my 11 year old granddaughter. Just this week we learned that she has been selected to the US Gymnastics Association’s National Team for her age group. In December they are flying her and her coach back to the national camp in Texas for further development. Of course I am proud of her, but not so much for the recognition she gets and the trophy’s she has won, but rather for how she faces life.

I honestly believe that she is not all that enamored with always winning but finds joy in doing the best she can. When someone beats her in an event she is first to congratulate them and always with a big smile. She is almost always smiling and when she does something well she radiates an infectious elation. She practices most every day for four hours, for most of us that would become pretty old but not her, she seems to love doing it. I think part of her secret might be that she finds happiness in doing the best she can and personal pleasure in doing something a little bit better today than she did yesterday.

She does well in all her endeavors, she is an excellent student, participates in non-gymnastic events when she can, and has great friends. It seems to me that she sees obstacles as just things you encounter during another day in the office. She does not waste time thinking about problems, she just gets up with a smile and if she can’t go through the wall she just climbs over it and treats it as no big deal. Too many of us arrive at a wall and sit and agonize over our bad luck that it is there and often we lack the confidence needed to get by it only to later find that it was only an illusion. If we were like my granddaughter we would never have stopped at the base of the wall in the first place, we just would have kept going and did whatever it took to get to the other side and moved on.

So I will continue to be awe struck by my granddaughter Jorden’s accomplishments, not by the trophies she has won or the recognition she has received but rather by the way she lives. When I grow up I want to be just like her.

~~~

 “Life’s up and downs provide windows of opportunity to determine your values and goals.

Think of using all obstacles as stepping stones to build the life you want”

Marsha Sinetar

~~~

Laws of Slow People

1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don’t know each other.

2. They drive side by side, too. If they can’t find another slow driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane.

3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in their rearview mirrors, either.

4. Slow people drift sideways so they’ll block the path of anyone trying to pass them. If two people or vehicles are trying to get around them at the same time, they drift into the path of the one that is moving at the highest speed.

5. Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and you’ll wind up with soggy ice cream every time.

~~~

Courage is grace under pressure.

Ernest Hemingway

~~~

A scroungy looking fellow goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way; I don’t think you can pay for it." The guy shrugs, "You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain’t risqué."

"Done!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a very large gerbil. He puts the gerbil on the bar and it scampers down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing some wonderful Scott Joplin tunes.

The bartender says, "Truly Amazing! I’ve never seen anything like that before. And your furry friend is truly good on the piano." The fellow grins, downs the drink and asks for another. "Cash, another miracle or else no drink," says the bartender.

Undaunted, the fellow reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous baritone voice and great pitch. A fine singer. Another patron from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $500 on the spot for the frog.

The guy says, "Done, sir." He takes the five hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger beats a hasty retreat out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, "What are you? Wacko? You sold a singing frog for just $500? That thing must be worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Maybe not…," says the guy, "Considering my friend the gerbil is also a ventriloquist."

~~~

If evolution is true, how come mothers still have only two hands?

~~~

One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields.

The first cow said, "I’m telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I’ve heard it’s spreading so fast that it’s already on Farmer Brown’s land just down the road!"

The second cow replied, "So what? It doesn’t affect us chickens!"

~~~

I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

~~~

One finds the most romantic people at home improvement centers.

My son was helping a couple purchase a new door for their home.  After he asked what size they needed, the stumped husband yelled clear across the store to his wife in home supplies, "Honey, c’mon over here and see which one of these doors you can fit through!"

~~~

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewelry. The elephant then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.

When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.

"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.

"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. What do you mean ‘describe’ him?"

"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant."

"I can’t help you out," said the frustrated jeweler, "he had a stocking pulled over his head."

~~~

Choose heaven for the climate & hell for the company.

~~~

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate.

"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner!"

~~~

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."

~~~

“There seemed to be endless obstacles… it seemed that the root cause of them all was fear.”

Joanna Field

~~~

 Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

“To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path.

Don’t worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest”

As some of you know I spend much of my time with others who are in the process of deciding what they want to do with the rest of their lives. As I am sure you know it is not an easy task. Too many of us get lost in the process, someone tells us to go that way, another sends us someplace else, and our past tries to keep us on the same path we have always been on. Way too often the range of choices we have available to us is so debilitating that we just give up and stay in the same old rut.

If we are to venture of in a new direction, we don’t need a map, we can make our own. Every step we take may seem to lead in a wrong direction but that is never the case, each step is progress and if we take a wrong turn we just backtrack and follow the other path. Often it is not the destination that rewards us but the journey itself. Everything we see and lean along the way helps to make our journey more worthwhile.

I know one thing that is absolutely true; if you don’t start you will never get there. If you don’t know where and when to start, don’t worry about it just start somewhere. Progress is made by discovering barriers and finding paths. Life is to be explored and if you don’t want to enrich the journey all you have to do is stay put, close down your dreams, and be satisfied ending up where you are. But if you will miss more than you know.

But if you take the journey you will find as you progress you will gather momentum and discover navigational skills you never knew you had. Who knows you might find that your magic place is really not that far away. By the way, if you do start soon look for me, I’ll be the guy alongside the road who waves and wishes you bon voyage.

~~~

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”

Buddha

~~~

One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. The next year things were different, however.

"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed.  "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"

"Oh, that’s easy," the grandmother replied.  "This year I didn’t sign the checks."

~~~

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:

"I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours."

~~~

She said: Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson Jermon was constantly hungry, I went to the ‘fridge to find something he might like. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili. "Hey, Jermon," I called out excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. "Look! I found some chili." Struggling to be polite, he said, "If you’re that surprised, I’m not really sure I want it."

~~~

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

~~~

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnnie down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma’s kitchen.

"Well now, where’s my bucket and where’s my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can’t get any water from that water hole, "Gramma!" exclaimed Johnnie. "there’s a big ol’ alligator down there waiting for me!"

"Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnnie. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt anyone. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Johnnie, "if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!"

~~~

They say you can’t have too much of a good thing. I wish I’d been part of that study.

~~~

At a Mass at which some young ladies were to take their finals vows to become nuns, the Bishop presiding noticed two Rabbis enter the church just before the service began. They insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The Bishop wondered why they had come, but he didn’t have time to inquire before the Mass began.

When it came time for the announcements, the Bishop’s curiosity got the better of him. He welcomed the two Rabbis and asked why they had chosen to be present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ."

The elder of the Rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."

~~~

Right is right, even if everyone is against it; and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it.

William Penn

~~~

A young man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing inconsolably.

"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, and it’s lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

~~~

He who is outside the door has already got a good part of his journey behind him.

Dutch proverb

~~~

He said: The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar. "Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."

~~~

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Oscar Wilde

~~~

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.  

"I’m losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "What should I do?"  

"Pay me in advance."  

~~~

Ever notice how kids learn to drive a car in no time, but cannot understand the workings of the lawn mower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner?

~~~

"I play golf in the low 80’s," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.

"Wow," said the young man, "that’s pretty impressive."

"Not really," said the little old man. "Any hotter and I’d probably have a stroke."

~~~

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

~~~

“The difficulties you meet will resolve themselves as you advance.

Proceed, and light will dawn, and shine with increasing clearness on your path.”

Jim Rohn

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

"Happy the man, and happy he alone,

He who can call today his own;

He who secure within can say:

Tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived today." 

Horace

At the close of each day it is worth heeding Horace’s advice for every day we live is special. We can make everyday even better by doing those things that make good people special. It is when we give some of ourselves to others that we accomplish more than we ever can by spending our time acquiring.

Here is a story that I used in the daily five years ago today. It continues to be an inspiration, the woman had the gift of generosity and the man realized that her gift was more valuable than any precious stone. We all have the precious gift embedded in our souls unfortunately too many keep it locked away and never receive the benefits it offers. Her gift is always there for each of us all we have to do is follow her example.

~~~

A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.

"I’ve been thinking," he said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone."

~~~

“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”

Mitch Albom

~~~

Rejections

HE: Can I buy you a drink?

SHE: Actually I’d rather have the money.

HE: Hi. Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice?

SHE: Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE: I must’ve been given your share.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads

SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don’t be shy. Ask me out.

SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven’t I seen you some place before?

SHE: Yes. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?

SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Where I’ll be the rest of your life – in your wildest dreams.

~~~

Imagination was given to us to compensate for what we are not;

A sense of humor was given to us to console us for what we are.

Mark McGinnis

~~~

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"  

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn’t blue."

~~~

"Objects in mirrors are often dumber than they appear."

~~~

A big executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. He explained to the porter, "I’m a heavy sleeper, but I want you to be sure and wake me up at 3:00 am for the stop in Buffalo. I don’t care what I say, you just make sure I get off in Buffalo."

The next morning the executive woke up in Chicago. He was furious. He found the porter and really gave him an earful before hustling off to purchase a return ticket.

After he left, a co-worker said to the porter, "How can you stand there and let that passenger abuse you like that?"

"That’s nothing," said the porter. "You should have heard the guy who I put off in Buffalo!"

~~~

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

~~~

Old Rev. Johnson was begging his board of directors to buy a new chandelier for the church. Pleading for more than an hour, he sat down sullen and hopeless in his ambition to acquire a chandelier. Then the elder president of the board stood up. "What’re we wasting time talkin’

for?" he said rhetorically. "Foist of all, a chandelier, … we ain’t got nobody who could even spell it. Second, we ain’t got nobody who could even play it. And third, what we need most in the church is more light!"

~~~

A confident manner is important: Computers can sense this!

~~~

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer’s soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?  

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."  

"You don’t understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"  

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."  

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"  

"Naw! I’ve lived here all my life," answered the farmer.  

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.  

This caught the farmer’s attention and he asked, "When is it gonna be?"  

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."  

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don’t mention it to my wife. She don’t get out much and she’ll wanna go all three days."  

~~~

"Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it."

Stephen Leacock

~~~

He said: My Dad has a sure way to keep my Mom from buying an outfit… When she tries it on, he says, "I love that middle-aged look it gives you."

~~~

Fear less, hope more.

Whine less, breathe more.

Talk less, say more.

Hate less, love more.

And all good things are yours.

Swedish proverb

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us,

that the less we use our power the greater it will be.

Thomas Jefferson

I wonder sometimes if we have become too dependent on the use of power believing that it is the solution to every problem. I sure hope not because history has proven that the misuse of power never works over the long haul. The bully, whether a person, organization, business, or even a country can expect that retaliation will come one day.

Sadly those who are power centered feel no need to search for alternative solutions to the problems they face. Unfortunately when you shoot off your guns first and that doesn’t solve the problem there is not much left to do but raise the stakes which usually results in even more violent confrontations. In fact every time more pressure is applied the counter pressure grows and history has shown that there is no better way to unify an opponent than the use of force.

Sadly in this day and age it is the reaction to the use of force that is sometimes worse then the use itself. Who would of thought that a handful of terrorists could win so much by just one act. There action has triggered a war that has taken the lives of thousands and continues to do so. Everyday people have changed their behavior out of fear. Billions of dollars have been redirected away from human needs in an effort to protect ourselves from an invisible enemy and to fight what appears to be an unwinable war. I don’t have the answer but I am pretty sure further polarization of nations and cultures is not it.

The truly strong raise above the trap created by dependency on the use of power, in fact the wise retain power as deterrence and as a vehicle to bring both sides together. I wish someone with the power had the courage to say enough is enough and offer to search for more peaceful solutions. Unfortunately I doubt that will happen since everyone on all sides has decided that their advisories can never be trusted. I fear that the answers will never be found in our fighting each other but only by finding a way to search for answers together.

People don’t want to die! What has happened to humanity that we seem to have little interest in making all people safe so all could live? Maybe in the end it will turn out that the solution was up to all of us, including you and me.

~~~

“If each man or woman could understand that every other human life is as full of sorrows, or joys, or base temptations, of heartaches and of remorse as his own . . . how much kinder, how much gentler he would be.”

William Allen White

~~~

On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jewish man who was now a very militant atheist. But he sent his son Morris to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it was a great school and completely secular.  

After a month, the boy came home and said casually, "By the way, Dad, I learned what Trinity means!  It means ‘The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.’"  

The father could barely control his rage. He seized his son by the shoulders and declared, "Morris, I’m going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. Forget this Trinity business. There is only one God…  and we don’t believe in him!"  

~~~

"Everything you can imagine is real."

Pablo Picasso

~~~

IMPORTANCE OF PROOF READING

* IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."  

* It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.  

* There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.  

* There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.  

* In the City Beat section of Friday’s paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.  

* Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.  

* In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.  

* Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson’s wife grazed sheep on the front lawn of the White House." I’m sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."  

* In one edition of today’s Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley’s Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.  

* The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.  

~~~

My Dad has a sure way to keep my Mom from buying an outfit… When she tries it on, he says, "I love that middle-aged look it gives you."

~~~

A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door.

"Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here… let me look at you… let me hold you ! Let’s have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I’ve missed your lovin’ so much !"

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let’s hear you play that harmonica."

~~~

Sometimes you have to take the leap, and build your wings on the way down.

Kobi Yamada

~~~

He said: At 5 P.M. one Halloween afternoon, my dental hygienist realized that she wouldn’t make it to the store in time to get snacks for trick-or-treaters. So she took home some free samples from the office supply cabinet. That night she handed out dozens of toothbrushes, toothpaste, and dental floss.

The next year, although she had bags of chips and popcorn, not one child came knocking at her door.

~~~

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

~~~

She said: One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse’s office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas.  

"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.  

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I’ve come to spend the day with him!" 

~~~

“Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children’s future. And we are all mortal.”

John Fitzgerald Kennedy

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

Life is the only real counselor; wisdom unfiltered through personal experience does not become a part of the moral tissue.

Edith Wharton:

A wise person sent me the following; there is nothing more I can add.

~~~

Time gets better with age

Age 5 – I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night".

Age 9 – I’ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.

Age 14 – I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.

Age 15 – I’ve learned that although it’s hard to admit it, I’m secretly glad my parents are strict with me.

Age 24 – I’ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.

Age 26 – I’ve learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures.

Age 30 – I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.

Age 42 – I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don’t know how to show it.

Age 44 – I’ve learned that you can make some one’s day by simply sending them a little note.

Age 46 – I’ve learned that the greater a person’s sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.

Age 47 – I’ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.

Age 48 – I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

Age 49 – I’ve learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.

Age 51 – I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

Age 52 – I’ve learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.

Age 53 – I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.

Age 58 – I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.

Age 61 – I’ve learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.

Age 62 – I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

Age 64 – I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

Age 65 – I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

Age 66 – I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.

Age 82 – I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.

Age 90 – I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

Age 92 – I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.

~~~

When I was young, I used to admire intelligent people; as I grow older, I admire kind people.

Abraham Joshua Heschel

~~~

She said: Concerned about fitness in my 50’s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor…

"I’m here to do my postnatal exercises," I told the instructor.

She gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?"

"Twenty-three," I replied.

~~~

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Yogi Berra

~~~

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses – I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.  

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping. The receipt included $45 in makeup.  

I said, "Wait a minute I’ve given up beer and you haven’t given up anything!"  

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."  

I told her, "Hell, that’s what the beer was for!"  

I don’t think she’ll be back.

~~~

He who cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself.

George Herbert

~~~

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. We used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso to allow for storage in a carrying case.

As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?"

He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can’t feel her legs!"

~~~

"Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers?

Men don’t like flowers. I’ve been wearing a great scent. It’s called New Car Interior."

Rita Rudner

~~~

In days past, children were given names that sound strange to us today — Prudence, Charity, Faith, and so on. One boy was named Amazing, and he resented it all his life. People laughed at him because of it. He told his wife that, when the time came, he did not want his name on his tombstone. When he died, she followed his wishes and put on the tombstone, "Here lies a man who was faithful to his wife for 60 years."

But even in death, he couldn’t escape the curse, because everyone that looked at his tombstone said, "Why, that’s Amazing!"

~~~

"Virtue is often the result of insufficient temptation."

Cheers, George

~~~

I was flying between Maui and Oahu.  It’s only a 30 minute flight and so, to save money, I flew with a small airline in a little, twin-engine plane. About eight minutes into the flight the pilot announced that we were going to have to turn back due to some engine trouble.

The nervous passenger I was seated next to turned to me and said, "Oh-h-h m-m-my G-g-god.  If we l-l-loose an engine, how f-f-far d-d-do you think the other o-o-one will t-t-take us?"

I told him, "One engine?  Oh, I’m sure it’ll take us all the way to the scene of the crash.  Hell, we’ll probably make good time too.  I bet we beat the paramedics there by at least a half hour!"

~~~

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!"

~~~

So many gods, so many creeds,

So many paths that wind and wind,

While just the art of being kind

Is all the sad world needs.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.”

Anne Frank

A friend asked me to think about being stranded on an island. She said I could invite three people and she wanted to know who they would be and why?  She said I could also have three books, three luxuries, a pet, and a secret vice. Sometimes I wish people would not require me to think this much, but since she asked here are my answers

The three people would be Ann Frank, because of her humanity, wisdom, and the ability to deal with loneliness, Bob Vila since I am probably the least handy person in the world, and my wife since she knows me better than I do plus she keeps track of all my medicines.

For books I would like a Treasury of Philosophy, there is so much in this world to wonder about that thinking along with the great philosophers of the past would keep my mind occupied. I also would bring a comprehensive world history so that I would not lose track of what brought us this far, and finally a survival guide that would provide me with things I needed to know and things I could do.

The three luxuries would be a completely outfitted kitchen so I could cook the food I love to eat; a satellite radio for music, spoken word, and the news; and a comfortable bed to sleep in.

The pet is easy, it would be a Miniature Schnauzer, we had one many years ago and he was a joy. Our current pet is a ceramic replica of him, we did not replace him with a live dog as the pain of losing the original was so heavy and we wanted to travel, etc.

The secret vice is a tough one, I have pretty much left them all behind, I can’t smoke, I can’t drink, I can’t…. can’t…can’t…, I guess my not-so-secret vice would be semi-gluttony, if you bring me a wide variety of food I will be content.

She also said I could have a book to record my journey, I hope she would let me substitute a laptop computer, I need spelling and grammar checkers, plus how could I communicate with you without a computer.

~~~

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY’S wrong!"

~~~

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.  

By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.  

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I’m home!"  

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It’s after seven o’clock!" 

~~~

"The best way to predict the future is to invent it."

Alan Kay

~~~

Dog Truths

LEASH:  A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.  Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog’s rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their persons want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out.  Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn’t get the attention you require…especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection,  given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.

~~~

She said: A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. And a woman’s gotta do what he can’t.

~~~

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about both.  

The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."  

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.  

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."  

~~~

Some people just don’t know how to drive…I call these people "Everybody But Me."

~~~

Boss: (to employee) – Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, so Knock, Knock.

Employee: Who’s there?

Boss: Not you anymore.

~~~

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."

George Orwell

~~~

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.  

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

~~~

“There is none more lonely than the man who loves only himself.”

Abraham Ibn Esra

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

“But what is the use of preaching the Gospel to men whose whole attention is concentrated upon a mad, desperate struggle to keep themselves alive?”

William Booth

I worry sometimes that we who have so much find it too easy to judge those that don’t. If I was in an area where I did not have warmth, faced danger on every street corner, had no income, and was hungry most of the time I doubt that I would worry too much about politics. I think that too often the powerful do not hear the voices of the powerless and than they don’t understand when the powerless either give up and die or fight back. I have no answers but I do think that the basic needs of life always come first. I felt the same way a few years ago when I wrote:

You guys know how I feel about most things. Generally I am an optimist and believe that we have the capacity within ourselves to brighten our lives. I do wonder sometimes though if I would feel the same way if I did not have a comfortable situation that meets all my basic needs. I am sure many of you remember Maslowe’s Hierarchy of Needs; in effect he said that food, shelter, etc. are needs that must be met before we can even think about our other options. I am sure you are like I am and are glad that we do have more than the basic comforts. It is however important that we have empathy for others and count our blessings. This is not to say that we don’t have our own problems, the difference between us and those who have no food, no shelter, no life is that we can do something.

~~~

“A hungry people listens not to reason, nor cares for justice, nor is bent by any prayers”

Seneca

*******

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don’t think that’s going to help."

"Sure it will." he said. "It’s the only way I can see the numbers."

~~~

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is.  I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."

Emo Philips

~~~

Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions. I loved this game and still do. Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.  

For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate…why am I still driving around in a thimble?  

~~~

"On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time."

George Orwell

~~~

The Italian says, "I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine."  

The Mexican says, "I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."  

The Scot says, "I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."  

The Swede says, "I’m tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."  

The Japanese says, "I’m tired and thirsty. I must have sake."  

The Russian says, "I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."  

The German says, "I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer."  

The Greek says, "I’m tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."  

The Jew says, "I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."  

~~~

Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.

Thomas Edison

~~~

Several years ago we had an intern who was not too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do"?

"Just use copier paper," she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

~~~

A customer at Blockbuster had mentioned that before the movie begins, a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." He then added, "How do they know what size screen I have"?

~~~

"The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky"

Solomon Short

~~~

New Words for These Times

Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.

Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.

Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.

Dadicated: being the best father you can be.

Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time in the hopes you’ll have something to read or write and not have to do any work.

Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.

Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.

Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time. ( Do you still say God Bless You )

Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.

Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer exists.

Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.

Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.

Mandals: sandals for men.

~~~

"Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories – those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost."

Russell Baker

~~~

In Washington State, a little north of Seattle, is a river called the Stillaguamish, but it wasn’t always called that. It was originally named "Aguamish" after a local Indian tribe.  

When Lewis & Clark finally made their way to the west coast they came to the Aguamish tribe and met the chief who told them what the name of the river was and gave them a tour of the area.  

Years later Merriweather Lewis returned and met the Aguamish chief again and the subject finally came around to the river:  

"Chief, I’ve been told that, because of so many white men have arrived in the area, many of the rivers are being renamed because they couldn’t pronounce the names.  Tell me, what is the name of your river now, please, " Lewis pleaded.

"Oh," replied the chief.  "It’s Stillaguamish."  

~~~

If you want to keep on getting what you’re getting, keep on doing what you’re doing.

~~~

He said: My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home repair project.

For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn’t surprised the day my other sister, Pam, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.

"I can’t get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.

Pam suggested, "Why don’t you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?"

~~~

“It is hard work to be good when you are very little and very hungry, and have many sticks to beat you, and no mother’s lips to kiss you”

Marie Louise De La Ramee

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

“There are none so blind as those, that will not see”

I thought he could not hear and that he was blind but what he had was a closed mind. I wonder sometimes how much we miss in life because we have chosen not to look or listen. Some say that they won’t eat Chinese, German, or some other countries food because they had some once. To me that is like saying “I don’t like any American food because I ate fried chicken once and did not like it.” I have found in every cuisine food I liked and food that was not to my taste, but I would not have find what I liked if I had not tried it.

It would not be so bad if the barriers stopped at food, but they do not. Too many of us avoid travel because we had a bad experience one time in the past. If I had let an unpleasant hotel stay in Paris keep me from returning I would have missed seeing the city at night from Montmartre or having a pleasant spring lunch on a river barge while cruising on the Seine. I don’t like Wagner but it did not keep me from learning that I really enjoy the works of Puccini. Soccer was never for me until I had grandchildren who played and when I attended their games I learned what I had been missing.

When I stop to think of things I avoid because of a past experience it becomes embarrassing to know that I have made decisions based on only one or two experiences from the past. What have I missed? Unfortunately I think I missed too much. Since retirement I have become more adventurous, I do more, listen more, and see more. Not only do I learn things I never knew, I also now see things I am sorry I missed in the past.

Maybe some of us close our minds because we just don’t want to be bothered, or because it is sometimes unpleasant to deal with things in our world. I regret that these closed minds miss so much, I also regret that we often could have used their wisdom if only they would see, hear, think and share their thoughts.

Our lives are finite; each minute is an opportunity to reward ourselves with a new discovery, a new experience, and new found pleasure. I feel sorry for those who will try to hold up their coffin lid to holler out “wait! I am done yet” only because they have let too much pass them by in their life.

~~~

“Let us resolve to be masters, not the victims, of our history, controlling our own destiny without giving way to blind suspicions and emotions.”

John Fitzgerald Kennedy

~~~

A college professor asked his class a question.

"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when Called upon said, "Professor you’re 44."

The Professor said, "You’re absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said, "You see professor, I have a brother, he’s 22, and he’s only half crazy."

~~~

Don’t bother me. I am in the midst of living happily ever after!

~~~

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.

She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Later it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You’re a mother!"

~~~

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly: what is essential is invisible to the eye.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

~~~

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I’ll get it!"

~~~

When choosing between two evils, I always take the one I haven’t tried before.

Mae West

~~~

Church Bulletin Bloopers

• The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
• 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
• On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
• Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

~~~

"The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them."

Robert Frost

~~~

"So, what’s the matter?" asked Becky. "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with the old professor?"

"Oh, everything went wrong," says Mrs. Professor. "First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait and then that I was reeling in too soon. "All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse," lamented Mrs. Professor, "I ended up catching the most fish!"

~~~

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

~~~

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn’t matter," she explained, "you don’t know what it means."

"I do, too," Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won’t start."

~~~

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do,

something to love and something to hope for.

Jose Addison

~~~

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Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.