Ray's musings and humor

Archive for September, 2007

I’ll next see you in October

“All things on earth point home in old October; sailors to sea, travellers to walls and fences, hunters to field and hollow and the long voice of the hounds, the lover to the love he has forsaken”

Thomas Wolfe

 

 

When this weekend ends you will wake up the next day in October. I am not sure if your ready, but I am. If you are like me you find that the world is back in full swing after going a little slower during the summer months. The frequency of meetings increase, the legitimate theatres are back in full swing, people are working and that means more calls, more interruptions, and a greater need to keep up. In order to do what I can to help you I am giving you an advanced look at the important things you will need to consider as you plan the coming weeks.

It is again:

National Pickled Pepper Month – Have you ever seen one? Do you think this may be the one that Peter Piper picked?

Country Music Month – She broke my heart when she spilled my beer and now she is no longer here.

Crime Prevention Month – Do your part obey the law for the next 31 days.

Energy Management Is a Family Affair Time – I wish my wife understood that my naps are my commitment to energy conservation.

Family History Awareness Month – I have found that there are some things we are better off not knowing.

Gourmet Adventures Month – Eat a sandwich in Africa.

Healthy Lung Month – A friend told me that a gal in his office had big and very healthy lungs, I just don’t understand how he could tell.

National Clock Month – What the hell does this mean, kiss a clock??

National Family Sexuality Education Month – This sounds illegal to me, maybe they only observe it in Red Neck country.

And it is National UNICEF Month – Please support the UNICEF fund drives, if you are in the US fill the orange trick-or-treat for UNICEF boxes that kids will use during the Halloween season.

So my friends we have much to do, you do your part and I’ll do mine, just don’t wait for me.

~~~

Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn.

Elizabeth Lawrence

~~~

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, William’s dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She’s a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We’re getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I’m awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father."

~~~

"I’m all in favor of free expression provided it’s kept rigidly under control.

Alan Bennett

~~~

A City Policeman went up to a vendor selling toys and said, "I’m sorry, you can’t sell that stuff without a license."  

The peddler replied, "I knew I wasn’t selling any, but I didn’t know the reason."

~~~

The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back. "Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"

"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!"

~~~

Confidence on the outside begins by living with integrity on the inside.

Brian Tracy

~~~

She said: My 20th high school class reunion was held at a hotel on the same night that another school’s 10th-year reunion was taking place.  

While my girl friends and I were in the rest room talking, some unfamiliar women entered. After their stares became uncomfortable, we turned toward them. One of the women said, "Don’t mind us. We just wanted to see how we’d look in another 10 years."  

~~~

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…

~~~

She told me that there are 10 Ways to know if you have "Estrogen Issues"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Everyone is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: How’s my driving call 1-800-***-.”

6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.

7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.

8. You can’t believe they don’t make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

~~~

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

~~~

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I’m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don’t have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

~~~

"To laugh often and love much… to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to give one’s self… this is to have succeeded."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Category:

Humor

Thanks Ashley

A bend in the road is not the end of the road… unless you fail to make the turn.

Author Unknown

 

Someone special spoke to my Kiwanis club this morning. Her name is Ashley, a beautiful lady in her mid 30’s who is now legally blind. You see Ashley suffers from retinitis pigmentosa, slowly but surly she has lost her peripheral vision to the point where she sees only what is directly in front of her. Her and her husband and a few others are founders of the Indianapolis Chapter of the Foundation Fighting Blindness.

Ashley is a vivacious gal with a sparkling personality; you would never know that she has limitations created by her sight problems. She learned that she had the problem as a student and that there is currently no cure. Many of us would have resigned ourselves to our situation and stood on the sidelines cursing our bad luck while we slowly went into hibernation rather than make Ashley’s choice to survive and thrive.

I am grateful that I am the luckiest guy I know since I get to meet people like Ashley, they inspire! My problems are temporary and in the scheme of things not all that big a deal but if they do start to get to me all I have to do is remember Ashley and her zest for life. Me, I want to be like Ashley and say to hell with my problems I have too much to do to be bothered by them.

 

All this reminded me of a story my friend Judy sent me sometime ago, here it is:

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.

When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

‘Oh, that’s my trouble tree,’ he replied ‘I know I can’t help having troubles on the job, but one thing’s for sure, those troubles don’t belong in the house with my wife and the children.. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again.’ ‘Funny thing is,’ he smiled,’ when I come out in the morning to pick ’em up, there aren’t nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.’

~~~

I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders.

Jewish Proverb

Things Adults Learn From Kids:  

 

1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.  

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.  

3. A 4 years-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.  

4. Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry.  

5. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.  

6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.  

7. You shouldn’t throw baseballs at the ceiling fan when on.  

8. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.  

9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.  

10. VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches.  

11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it’s already too late.  

12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.  

13. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock despite a 36-year-old man saying it can only be done in the movies.  

14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.  

15. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball cleats it does not leak – it explodes.  

16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.  

17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.  

18. Duplos will not.  

19. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.  

20. Super glue is forever.  

21. McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.  

22. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.  

23. Pool filters do not like Jello.  

24. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).  

~~~

People who think they’re out of this world make you wish they were.

~~~

There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area. She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.  

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?"  

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone. "Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ’em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse."  

~~~

Two kinds of people on earth can be seen: the people who lift and the people who lean.

Ella Wheeler-Wilcox

~~~

Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"  

"Why don’t you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.  

Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"  

"No, you may not. That’s utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi.  

Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.  

"I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."  

Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?"  

To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."  

~~~

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

~~~

Gerry walks into Saul’s tailors and asks how much are his made to measure suits.

‘$200 dollars’ answers Saul.

‘OK’ says Gerry ‘but I don’t need the buttons so get rid of them, and you can leave out the pockets too, oh and while you are at it I don’t want any lining either. Forget about the pockets in the pants too and leave out the zipper I can use a pin. No need for any belt loops or suspender buttons and you might as well leave out the hook and eye. Now how much will it be?’

Saul thought for a while then answered ‘$400 dollars’.

‘My Life! says Gerry, ‘that’s twice as much as before’.

‘I know’ says Saul ‘ But all those alterations…’

~~~

“Life’s blows cannot break a person whose spirit is warmed at the fire of enthusiasm”

Norman Vincent Peale

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Category:

Uncategorized

Autumn has begun

Delicious autumn!

My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.

George Eliot

 

 

Hi all, I am running slow and falling behind today so I am again going to provide some of my past stuff. I hope that is OK with you.

~~~

Summer has started its journey to the Southern Hemisphere, leaving us the fall of the year. I love autumn with it’s “I am alive” brisk mornings, the warmth of its days, and the scenes that it paints for us to enjoy. We again can walk hand-in-hand through woods watching the trees shed their green coats for those of red, yellow, and brown. We smell sausages on grills at football games, the aroma of apple cider warming in a pan, and the scent of burning logs from the fireplaces of those cuddled up watching the flames in the comfort of their homes. We hear the birds as they migrate to their summer homes and the rustle of leaves as the trees begin their hibernation waiting to be born again in the spring. We put on our favorite sweater that has waited faithfully for us to again don the clothes of fall. I don’t think I could ever move to warmer climes for I would have to miss the rosy cheeks of people and nature as fall descends upon us each year.

If your fall is not the same as mine, I will enjoy it for both of us.

~~~

If a man can paint a landscape, and convey into souls and ochres all the enchantments of Spring or Autumn; it is certain that the secret cannot be kept; the first witness tells it to a second, and men go by fives and tens and fifties to his doors.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 – 1882)

~~~

Wendy copied this from his diary.

Dear Diary,

For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.  Although I m still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.  My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!  The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress…

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00 am.  Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it! When I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!  Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.  She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.  She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring.  Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air – then she put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile! Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!!  It’s a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.   I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try  to steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.

Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other junk too.

Thursday:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.  Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.  When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room.  She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine – which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that heifer Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.  Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don’t have any triceps!  And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.)  The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.  However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather  Channel.

Sunday:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over  I will also pray that next year my wife, (the devil), will choose a gift for me that is fun – like a root canal or a vasectomy.

~~~

"You can never get all the facts from just one newspaper, and unless you have all the facts, you cannot make proper judgments about what is going on."  

Harry S Truman

~~~

She said:

Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants’ restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.

Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men’s room and found himself confronted by two marked doors.  One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus."

Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," Dave said.  Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men."  "Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms." 

~~~

Experience is something I always think I have until I get more of it.

Dan Kaercher

~~~

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America.  She stood five ft., one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32.  How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?"

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."

"Why is that?" Asked the professor.

"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She’d be way too old."

~~~

Do what you can to show you care about other people,

And you will make our world a better place.

Rosalynn Carter

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

Category:

Uncategorized

I am grateful, are you?

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.

Buddha

 

 

As I was deciding what to write today I stumbled across this article written by Davy Jones that I think is worth sharing. Have you written down what you are grateful for?

 

Around twenty years ago I was living in Seattle and going through hard times. I could not find satisfying work and I found this especially difficult as I had a lot of experience and a Masters degree.

To my shame I was driving a school bus to make ends meet and living with friends. I had lost my apartment. I had been through five interviews with a company and one day between bus runs they called to say I did not get the job. I went to the bus barn like a zombie of disappointment.

Later that afternoon, while doing my rounds through a quiet suburban neighborhood I had an inner wave – like a primal scream – arise from deep inside me and I thought "Why has my life become so hard?" "Give me a sign, I asked… a physical sign – not some inner voice type of thing."

Immediately after this internal scream I pulled the bus over to drop off a little girl and as she passed she handed me an earring saying I should keep it in case somebody claimed it. The earring was stamped metal, painted black and said ‘BE HAPPY’.

At first I got angry – yeah, yeah, I thought. Then it hit me. I had been putting all of my energies into what was wrong with my life rather than what was right! I decided then and there to make a list of 50 things I was grateful for.

At first it was hard, then it got easier. One day I decided to up it to 75. That night there was a phone call for me at my friend’s house from a lady who was a manager at a large hospital. About a year earlier I had submitted a syllabus to a community college to teach a course on stress management. (Yup, you heard me. 😉 She asked me if I would do a one-day seminar for 200 hospital workers. I said yes and got the job.

My day with the hospital workers went very well. I got a standing ovation and many more days of work. To this day I KNOW that it was because I changed my attitude to gratitude.

Incidentally, the day after I found the earring the girl asked me if anyone had claimed it. I told her no and she said "I guess it was meant for you then."

I spent the next year conducting training workshops all around the Seattle area and then decided to risk everything and go back to Scotland where I had lived previously. I closed my one man business, bought a plane ticket and got a six month visa from immigration. One month later I met my wonderful English wife and best friend of 15 years now. We live in a small beautiful cottage, two miles from a paved road in the highlands of Scotland.

‘THE ONLY ATTITUDE IS GRATITUDE’ has been my motto for years now and yes, it completely changed my life.

~~~

Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul.

Henry Ward Beecher:

~~~

The older brother was on vacation in Europe and his younger brother called him and said, "Your cat died."

The older brother is in tears. "I loved that cat. I’ve had that cat for 20 years. You can’t just blurt out bad news on the phone like that. You need to let me know gradually. You should have called and told me the cat was on the roof or something. Then the next day, tell me the cat still won’t come down. Then after you slowly work up to it, you can tell me the cat died."

The younger brother apologizes and says he’ll learn to be more sensitive in the future.

"By the way," the older brother adds, "How’s Mom"?

After a long silence, the younger brother says, "She’s up on the roof."

~~~

"We have a new recipe for an exotic gourmet dinner. First, take two credit cards…"

Bessie and Beulah

~~~

Little Golden Books That Never Made It:

Thank goodness they didn’t.

1. You Are Different and That’s Bad  

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables  

3. Dad’s New Wife Robert  

4. Fun Four Letter Words to Know and Share  

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book  

6. The Kid’s Guide to Hitchhiking  

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her  

8. Curios George and the High Voltage Fence  

9. All Cats Go To Hell  

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched  

11. Some Kittens Can Fly  

12. That’s It, I’m Putting You Up For Adoption  

13. Grandpa Gets A Casket  

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator  

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia  

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy  

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy  

18. You Were An Accident  

19. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will  

20. Pop! Goes the Hamster and Other Great Microwave Games  

21. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan  

22. Your Nightmares are Real  

23. Where would You Like To Be Buried?  

24. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School  

25. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?  

26. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things  

27. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry  

~~~

"Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there."

Mickey Friedman

~~~

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain’t been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How’d you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn’t do nothin’," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got ’em all.".

~~~

People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.

Abigail Van Buren

~~~

One morning the doorbell rang. The weather was very bad. It was raining cats and dogs. I opened the door and there stood a young girl, a Jehovah’s Witness, soaking wet. I felt sorry for her and asked her to come inside for a cup of coffee and to dry off a little. As we sat and drank our coffee, I asked her what her ‘happy message’ was. I thought perhaps we might discuss some difference of belief, but she stuttered and said. . ."Gee, I’m not sure, I never got this far."

~~~

We need a renaissance of wonder. We need to renew, in our hearts and in our souls, the deathless dream, the eternal poetry, the perennial sense that life is miracle and magic.

E. Merrill Root

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

Category:

Uncategorized

Free your will!!!

Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.

Benjamin Disraeli:

 

 

A young friend and I got into a discussion of free will over coffee a few days ago. Later in the day our discussion reminded me of this old joke:

 

The river banks were overflowing the waters kept rising at a record pace. Emergency crews were called in to help rescues hundreds of people stranded by the flood waters. One gentleman climbed to the top of his roof to avoid the ever rising water. Soon a rescue boat came by and a crew member hollered to the man, “jump and we will take you to dry ground”. The man responded with, “No, my god will save me.”

A little later as the water had risen to waist high a helicopter approached and over the loudspeaker her heard, “Grab the rope and we will pull you to safety.” The man responded again with, “No, my god will save me.”

Of course the river continued to rise and he drowned. When he got to heaven he asked God why he had not saved him and God responded “I sent you a boat and a helicopter there was nothing more I could do.”

 

Unfortunately there are too many people who expect their lives will improve when God or fate gives them a magic gift. They seldom understand that the gifts have already been given. You and I have been given the gift of this day. We also have been given the gift of a heart and mind. Like the drowning man all we need do is use our free will and take action. There is no reason for us to wait for a better day or a better time, we have this day and it is ready for us to use. Let’s not waste it by excusing ourselves because we believe someone else will make life better for us or that if we wait until tomorrow we won’t have to use our heart or mind today. If you wait as each day goes by you soon will be like the drowning man, all will be lost and it will be too late to change events.

~~~

Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within. It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy; it is that which we think and feel and do, first for the other fellow and then for ourselves.

Helen Keller

~~~

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"  

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"  

"Oh, that’s okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don’t mind answering the question."  

"I object!" the defense said again.  

"No, really," said the blonde. "I’ll answer."  

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."  

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"  

The blonde replied brightly, "I don’t know!"  

~~~

He said: I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can’t fix it, so I’m moving to New York.

~~~

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman. "Mom, what’s this?" I asked.  

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.  

"Is it working?" I asked.  

"Yes and no," she explained. "I’ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"  

~~~

Success is a journey, not a destination.

Ben Sweetland

~~~

Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western civilization.   

Moses said the law is everything.  

Jesus said love is everything.  

Marx said capital is everything.  

Freud said sex is everything.  

Einstein said everything is relative. 

~~~

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.

~~~

There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack. When they met up, the other redneck asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?"  

The redneck with the sack replied, "Just some chickens." The other redneck said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?"  

The redneck with he sack answered, "I’ll give ya both of them if you get it right."  

So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, "Five?"   

~~~

Ask yourself: Have you been kind today?

Make kindness your daily modus operandi and change your world.

Annie Lennox

~~~

The passengers on a cruise ship were fascinated by the sight of a bedraggled, bearded man on a small island.  The ship passed slowly by as he desperately shouted and waved his arms.

"Who is that person on the island?" one of the passengers asked a ship’s officer.

"I have no idea," mused the officer "but every year when we pass that island he goes crazy."

~~~

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

~~~

A plane took off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.  

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Please sit back and relax… OH MY GOD!"  

After a moment of silence, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"  

A passenger in Coach piped up, "That’s nothing… you should see the back of mine!"  

~~~

Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own.

Harold Coffin

~~~

This small skinny dude walks up to the bar and starts to sit on a bar stool, and a big dude on the next stool says, "That seat’s taken!"

The little dude sits down anyway.

The big dude grabs him and whacks him several times with the back of his hand and tells the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was Judo from Japan."

Next day the little dude returns, before the big dude gets a chance to hit him, he hits the big dude several times and the big dude falls to the floor. The little dude tells the bartender, "Tell that sucker when he wakes up, that was a Monkey Wrench from Sears."

~~~

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.

James Oppenheim

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

Category:

Humor

Where are you going?

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”

 

 

I have a few friends that got caught in a reorganization that has left them jobless. I understand their trauma as all of sudden finding yourself without employment after years of work can be daunting. As many of you know I feel that job loss provides people the opportunity to reassess their life plan and to invest in a future that will provide them years of satisfaction. I recently had a piece published on a Salvation Army Blog that I think might be helpful to my friends as well as some of us. Here I was what I wrote:

 

I think we all find sometime in our lives that the reins have been taken over by our jobs, environment, or some other external factor. We wake up one day and ask why am I here, and how did I get here. The awakening often triggers what is mid-life crisis for some and mid-life opportunity for others. Happily when it does it gives us the opportunity to decide to take the reins back and leave the past behind and move on. It is not easy to begin another journey, but you never get to a better place if you don’t take the trip.

The question is often asked, “Is there really a there somewhere,” you know the story, “the grass is always greener on the other side,” but too often it isn’t. The secret of finding it is to know where the pasture is before you go.

I spend hours each week with people in the middle of their careers who have decided that they are going to give both their families and themselves something better, a happier life. As we talk, explore, and examine the route that might get them there, we often find that they know what they want to leave but don’t know where they want to go. It is easy to know what you are running from but difficult to define what you are running to.

When I ask people who want to change their lives what they want they often respond in global terms. They say things like; I want to go to warmer weather, do something meaningful, or some other outcome. It is as if getting that one thing will result in getting control of their life back. The problem is that we do not take the time to know ourselves well enough. Sure moving to warm weather will be nice, but what do you do when you get there? Who will you work with? What will you do at work or at play? If you just stop and think through the good days you have had and why they were good you can build a list of things that you are looking for. The list can result from questions like: Do I want to work with people or not? Do I want to do something for people? Do I want to golf? You get the idea; once you really know the details you can then draw the picture of what you really are looking for and be able to recognize it when you see it. 

This does not only apply to the big stuff, if you’re not happy with how you fill your time, figure out what makes you happy, grab the reins and go. I know you will be glad you did. One of the ways to find some of the better moments is to stop along the way once in awhile to help someone else. If you don’t know how, ask the Salvation Army they can always use your help, even if it is for only a few hours, if you do you will be glad you did,

Oh by the way, the best move of my life was when I grabbed the reins back so I could do things that really mattered.

~~~

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

Seneca

~~~

An extraordinary event was witnessed at a Memphis branch Union Planters bank today. Heather Williams of Germantown pulled up to the drive-thru ATM, put her card in, withdrew cash and then her card, and pulled away in mind-boggling two minutes and 48 seconds. Ms. Williams set a new world record for "Female Drive- Thru ATM Withdrawal."

ATM Officials were giddy at the site of this remarkable woman. "Oh, man, I knew there was something special right when she pulled up!" Bank Manager Brian Sontag gushed. "She nailed positioning her car right in front of the ATM! She didn’t go too far forward, then have to put her car in reverse, then ease back up a little bit, then back completely out because she was too far from the machine. Unbelievable! "

As the record breaking ATM withdrawal was taking place, Sontag marveled at how Williams defied the dictates of style. "I was breathless when she got the car positioned right and would have been able to pass that story along to my grand- children. But I almost passed out when she had her ATM card *ready* to insert! There was no digging through her purse! No fumbling with that little white envelope that women store the card between uses. She had it ready — and get this — she didn’t have to check her address book for her PIN number!!!"

Sontag shook his head, amazed. "Williams also didn’t read every screen of the ATM window. She didn’t get on her cell phone and ask guidance from her best friend on the best denominations to withdraw!"

Sontag continued. "While the ATM was processing her request," Sontag sits, obviously overcome with disbelief, "Ms. Williams didn’t start touching up her makeup! There was no adjusting of the rear view mirror, no fumbling through her purse for some lipstick. This had an enormous effect on her record breaking run since she didn’t have to put all of that crap away when the money came out!"

When the money popped out of the ATM, Sontag reports, Williams was ready. "As I said, she wasn’t putting on her makeup. She was studying the machine and when that money came out, she removed it. Pressed the button to let it know she didn’t want any other transactions — and, because she never took her car out of ‘drive’, she didn’t put the car in *reverse* and back up over the guy behind her!"

Union Planters had a camera on the entire transaction and plans to turning the film into a training video for the ATM-challenged.

~~~

I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him.

Booker T. Washington

~~~

He said: My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.  

I noticed that their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long.  

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."  

~~~

"You can always tell a man who is a non-conformist, because he looks just like every other non-conformist."

~~~

With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church’s marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired, "Trips to where"?

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete."

Please tell the audience what you’re going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary."

Pete said, "I’m going to go get her."

~~~

Unless you change how you are, you will always have what you’ve got.

Jim Rohn

~~~

A pig goes into the telegraph office, fills out a "Send Telegraph" form and gives it to the telegraph operator.

The operator reads it and it says, "oink oink oink oink oink oink oink oink".

The operator then tells the pig, "For the same price you can have nine words in your message. Would you like to add another ‘oink?’"

The pig looks at the man in disbelief and replies, "But then it wouldn’t make any sense!"

~~~

“So many fail because they don’t get started – they don’t go.

They don’t overcome inertia. They don’t begin.”

W. Clement Stone

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

 

Category:

Uncategorized

Today’s lesson

Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.

Amelia Burr:

 

 

It has been some day. It started with a rebirth and ended with a funeral and there is a lesson to be learned in both cases.

Let me start with the rebirth, I have a long time friend who has been a media favorite and community icon for decades. For many years the people of Indianapolis have listened to my friends familiar voice day after day, week after week, and month after month. It was like his job became who he was, at least in the eyes of the public. He is so well known that people everywhere recognize him and express their appreciation for the what he did. Through it all it almost seemed that he was defined by his job and that often constrains people from ever breaking out and doing something different.

Fortunately for us my friend decided to walk away from what he has been doing in order to become what he want’s to do from here on out. I say fortunately because the choice my friend has made is to do more for people. He has always had much to offer and now he gets to offer it more often and to more people. All I can say is good for him, I know he won’t be holding up the coffin lid hollering “Wait I haven’t started yet.”

Which brings me to the loss of my former colleague, my friend just lost his battle with Lou Gehrig’s disease. He was only 64 years old. But unlike far too many of us he choose many years ago to lead a very full life, He held a number of positions in various organizations, always excelling in what he did. He had a small business as a side line. He designed software solutions that are in use throughout the country to this day. But those activities were only the tip of the iceberg, he was an avid photographer, a Mayan Historian, an explorer and an international traveler.  In other words my associate lived life to the fullest. He did not allow himself to become trapped in a job that stole all of his time and energy. He raised a family, stayed curious, and never let all the reasons why not stop him.

My friend who is being reborn is about to begin the adventure that undoubtedly will become his best years. And my old friend who has passed on is probably hollering “thanks everyone, I really enjoyed the ride.” In both cases these good people chose not to wait until it was too late to live.

What about you? Are you doing what makes you happy? If not, you might try doing something else, at least some of the time. If you do I think you’ll like life more than you do now.

~~~

Just living is not enough.  One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.

Hans Christian Anderson

~~~

David can’t get to sleep and is tossing and turning in his bed all night, turning this way, turning that way and keeping his wife Elizabeth awake. Finally she has enough!

"David! What’s wrong? Why can’t you sleep?"

"Oh, Elizabeth,’ says David. It’s business."

"What business?" asks Elizabeth. "I borrowed a million dollars from Samuel next door."

"So?" asks Elizabeth. "Well, I’m due to pay it back tomorrow." "So?" asks Elizabeth. "Well, I haven’t got the money."

"Right," says Elizabeth. And she gets up, goes to the window, throws it open and shouts: "Samuel, Samuel, wake up!" Samuel comes to his window.

"What’s wrong, Elizabeth? Why are you making all his noise?"

"My David tells me he owes you a million dollars." "Yes, that’s right," says Samuel. "And it’s due back tomorrow." "Yes, that’s right," says Samuel. "Well, he hasn’t got the money and can’t pay!" says Elizabeth and slams the window shut again.

David is beside himself. "O vey, o vey, why did you tell him that?" he asks.

Replies Elizabeth: "And you should be the only one to have a sleepless night?"

~~~

Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.

Janis Joplin

~~~

"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky.  

"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.  

"Do you think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world?"  

"Mmm hmm."  

"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"  

"Mmm hmm."  

"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"  

~~~

Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

~~~

Two blondes are walking along the beach when a seagull comes along and poops right on the head of one of them.  

"Oh dear," she says. "I have bird poop on my head."  

"Don’t worry," says her friend. "I’ll get a tissue…be right back!"  

"Don’t bother,” she says. “He’ll be miles away by then."  

~~~

“It takes a long time to become young.”

Pablo Picasso

~~~

Useless Inventions  

1. Non stick Cellotape  

2. Solar Powered Flash Light  

3. A black highlighter pen  

4. Glow in the dark sunglasses  

5. Inflatable Anchor  

6. Smooth Sandpaper  

7. Waterproof sponge  

8. Waterproof Teabags  

9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators  

10. Fireproof Matches  

11. Fireproof Cigarettes  

12. Battery powered Battery Charger  

13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes  

14. Hand powered Chainsaw  

15. Inflatable Dartboard  

16. Silent Alarm Clock  

17. A Pedal powered wheelchair  

18. Braille Drivers Manual  

19. Double sided playing cards  

20. Ejector seats for Helicopters  

~~~

Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.

Grandma Moses

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

Category:

Uncategorized

We are still needed

“Remember your humanity and forget the rest”

Albert Einstein

 

I am overloaded today between blood tests, doctor’s appointments and meetings, I really need to get some nap time so I am going back to what I wrote on September 19th six years ago, just ten days after 9/11.

 

September 19, 2001

 

If you are like I am you are impressed and grateful for the tremendous outpouring of support shown by so many for the victims of the New York and Washington disasters. People have donated their time, talent and money to assist those on need.

 

I hope that we will do the same for all of the victims.

The senior citizen who has seen the value of their IRA plummet, is a victim.

The former welfare mother who lost her job because she was the last hired and now must feed her children from a food bank, is a victim.

The American of Middle-Eastern extraction who has become the focus of irrational hatred, is a victim.

The hardworking employee who has lost his job and cannot afford to keep health insurance for his family, is a victim.

The husband, wives, boys, and girls who have lost their financial footing and now live in fear, are victims.

 

It has been easy to contribute our time, talent, and money to the high profile opportunities we have had to help those who have faced the tragic events of the past week. I pray that we will be equally supportive of those neighbors and fellow citizens in our own communities that are also victims.

~~~

Let a good man do good deeds with the same zeal that the evil man does bad ones.

Belzer Rabbi

~~~

Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness. Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness.

George Sand

~~~

Did you know that:

Karaoke is a Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".

"Normal" is a setting on a washing machine.

Sleep is that fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.

A cynic is someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.

The answer is what everybody is still looking for.

~~~

I’m not aging, I just need re-potting.

~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him three times what was wrong.  Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

~~~

Lord, if I can’t be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

~~~

You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.

"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn’t like the color."

~~~

"A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams."

John Barrymore

~~~

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there and found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. On the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.

Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop." Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks.

Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide, "The drums have stopped, what happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "bass solo."

~~~

"Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said."

~~~

After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!"

~~~

"Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one."

Mark Twain

~~~

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is anyone interested in a little wager?" he said, flashing some large bills around. "I’ve got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards …right down the middle…every time!"

Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, "I gotta see this!" he said. "You know, what? I’ll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee."

When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest.

Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green -6 inches from the cup.

The pro was astonished. "That’s incredible!" he exclaimed. "How did you train him to hit the ball like that! There’s no need for me to tee off. I couldn’t beat him with a stick. Here’s your money."

As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said "Oh, by the way, how does he putt?"

The trainer responded, "Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time."

~~~

I’m taking Lamaze classes. I’m not having a baby, I’m just having trouble breathing.

Steven Wright

~~~

"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall–Think of it, ALWAYS."

Mahatma Gandhi

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

Category:

Uncategorized

Life’s Lessons

 “When you find peace within yourself,

You become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.”

Peace Pilgrim

 

 

As the years go by I believe we have a choice of becoming more tolerant of our failings and the difference between ourselves and others. Unfortunately many of us become less tolerant and blame others for everything wrong in our world. Trust me, tolerance comes from knowing that we are not perfect and nether is anyone else. I hope as you grow older you too will find tolerance as it provides the framework for a happy and productive life no matter your age. Chose intolerance and you will find loneliness and unhappiness. Here is what someone else has learned and thankfully they were willing to share their lessons with us.

 

I’ve Learned

Author Unknown

I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do but to the best you can do.

I’ve learned that it’s not what happens to people that’s important. It’s what they do about it.

I’ve learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned that it’s a lot easier to react than it is to think.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I’ve learned that learning to forgive takes practice.

I’ve learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.

I’ve learned that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.

~~~

There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it behooves all of us not to talk about the rest of us.

Robert Louis Stevenson

~~~

A wealthy Texas oil magnate goes to Australia to sign a deal to share pumps in the Mid-East with an Australian company. He is picked up by an Aussie limo driver and instantly begins to complain. "That plane was way too small. We have them much larger in Texas. I could barely move my legs."

The limo driver agrees and begins to put his bags in the limousine.

The Texan asks him. "What’s that?"

The driver looks puzzled and says, "This is a limo that was sent for you."

The Texan says, "Pretty puny ain’t it? Texas has real limos, my five year old has bigger cars than that in his toy box." The limo driver is irritated but decides to hold his tongue as this man was very important to his bosses. As they drive it keeps coming.

"These roads are far too small, I have dental floss wider. In Texas, it will take you three days and an afternoon to get across one." "Those cattle are puny, wouldn’t even make good beef jerky. You should see the longhorns in Texas." "Is that an office building or did someone turn a cardboard box upside down and put a trademark on it? In Texas, we have skyscrapers that would put all these stacked on top of one another to shame."

The driver was very upset by this time and was just about let him have it when a kangaroo jumped across in front of the car, causing the driver to hit the brakes quickly. The Texan was badly shaken and being somewhat uneducated in the case of fauna, asked "What was that?"

The Aussie shrugged and said, "Damn grasshoppers."

~~~

I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.

Arthur Rubenstein

~~~

She said: I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly-assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter that escorts all cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California’s Bay Area.  

But what my father told his friend was, "She’s involved in some sort of escort service."  

~~~

Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect. It means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections.

~~~

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.  

"I’ll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.  

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.  

The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."  

~~~

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall but winter didn’t look too promising.

~~~

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I’ll admit I’m wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you’ll admit I’m right."

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I’m wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You’re right!"

~~~

Death is more universal than life. Everyone dies, but not everyone lives.

Unknown

~~~

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies, "Son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."  

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds. He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic.  

He asks the girl, "Do you like potato pancakes?"  

She says, "No." And the silence returns.  

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.  

He asks, "Do you have a brother?"  

Again, the girl says, "No." And there is silence once again.  

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl, "If you had a brother, do you think he would he like potato pancakes?"  

~~~

“Love is saying ‘I feel differently’ instead of ‘You’re wrong.’”

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

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The bad news office is closed!

Happiness is never stopping to think if you are.

Palmer Sondreal

 

 

Here we go, another weekend is upon us. I don’t know what you are going to do but I have decided to be happy the whole time. I am warning you my sad office is closed for at least two days. If you have bad news it will just have to wait. I’ll tell you what, why not join me and be happy too, let’s let all the naysayer’s wait until we get back. If you need help I have a gift you can use, the gift are the quotes I have saved for our trip. Here they are:

 

“If we are not happy and joyous at this season, for what other season shall we wait and for what other time shall we look?” 

Abdul-Baha

 

"Did you know…that when you walk past a flower, whether it be in somebody’s garden or on a vacant hillside, the flower will always smile at you. The most polite way to respond, I’ve been told, is to cheerfully return the smile."

Ron Atchison

 

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

Marcel Proust

 

If I keep a green bough in my heart, the singing bird will come.

Chinese Proverb

 

The pleasantest things in the world are pleasant thoughts:

and the great art of life is to have as many of them as possible.

Montaigne

 

Time spent laughing is time spent with the gods.

Japanese Proverb

 

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

~~~

As a doctor completed his examination of the patient he said, "I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking."  

The patient replied, "In that case I’ll come back when you’re sober!"  

~~~

The poor person eats potato soup; the rich person, vichyssoise.

~~~

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

1. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.  

2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.  

3. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.  

4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.  

5. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.  

6. Apply red nail polish to your toe nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).  

7. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.  

8. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.  

~~~

You pile up enough tomorrows and you’ll be left with nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to make today worth remembering.

Meredith Wilson

~~~

A hostess is making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. "Nora," she said to her veteran servant, "for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive."  

Nora’s face lit up. "Thank you, ma’am," she replied. "I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last twenty years."  

~~~

"Interns scare me. They’re too young. How can you have confidence in a doctor who has his rubber gloves pinned to his sleeves?"

Joan Rivers

~~~

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists, Bill, Sam and Thersa.

For the final test, the FBI agents took Bill to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find Betty, your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her !!"

Bill said, "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

Sam was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Sam came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."

The agent said "You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

It Thersa’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband Bob. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood Thersa, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat Bob to death with the chair."

~~~

There are three stages of men’s hair: parted, unparted and departed.

~~~

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heels in love with him, even though he was a married man.

"Oh, John," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn’t there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"

Taking her by the shoulders, John proceeded to scold her for her lack of discretion and good judgment. "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms – is that really what you want for us?"

"No, no…" she sobbed, heartsick.

"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

~~~

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.

Cynthia Nelms

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

Category:

Uncategorized