December | 2022 | Ray's Daily

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Archive for December, 2022

Merry Christmas

Ray’s Daily

December 23, 2022

I wish you all peace, joy, and the brightest of futures.

I hope you have a great Christmas. Iwill spend mine with my wife and daughters. This will be the last Daily for this year as we are taking a few days off and will resume the Daily on January 2 next year.

Christmas Greeting From A Fairy To A Child

by Lewis Carroll

Lady, dear, if Fairies may

For a moment lay aside

Cunning tricks and elfish play,

‘Tis at happy Christmas-tide.

We have heard the children say –

Gentle children, whom we love –

Long ago on Christmas Day,

Came a message from above,

Still, as Christmas-tide comes round,

They remember it again –

Echo still the joyful sound

“Peace on earth, good-will to men!”

Yet the hearts must childlike be

Where such heavenly guests abide;

Unto children, in their glee,

All the year is Christmas-tide!

Thus, forgetting tricks and play

For a moment, Lady dear,

We would wish you, if we may,

Merry Christmas, Glad New Year!

~~~

No matter where you are in the world today, no matter your religion or your beliefs, I hope you too will embrace “Peace on Earth, good-will to men.” I know of no time when goodwill was needed more. The events of the last few years have shown that hatred, animosity, and terror affects us all, and that no one is guaranteed safety and tranquility. It will take us all, and millions of others working for peace and understanding if we are to stop and reverse the insanity. At the very least we can be kind to each other and invest in the brightest possible future for all children in the years ahead. During this season of celebration let us not forget the fact that our religions and our philosophy is based on the promise of a better life for all.

I hope each of you have the happiest of holidays, hopefully with those you love and care for.

~~~

The peace makers shall be called the children of God.

Bible

~~~

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of Chrisnukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens. In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa’s dentist. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful

~~~

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”

~~~

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday(tm), practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “AMERICA” in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

~~~

All I Need To Know I Learned From Santa

1. Encourage people to believe in you.

2. Always remember who’s naughty and who’s nice.

3. Don’t pout.

4. It’s as much fun to give as it is to receive.

5. Some days it’s ok to feel a little chubby.

6. Make your presents known.

7. Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.

8. Bright red can make anyone look good.

9. Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you’ve gained.

10. If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you’re very important.

11. Whenever you’re at a loss for words, say “HO, HO, HO!”

~~~

Until one feels the spirit of Christmas, there is no Christmas. All else is outward display–so much tinsel and decorations. For it isn’t the holly, it isn’t the snow. It isn’t the tree not the firelight’s glow. It’s the warmth that comes to the hearts of men when the Christmas spirit returns again.

Unknown

~~~

Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration is being wreathed in smiles.

Unknown

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of readers from around the world.

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Late Shopping

Ray’s Daily

December 22, 2022

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“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

Ray’s Daily first published on December 22, 2003

Well here we are, the first day of the Christmas shopping season for all us procrastinators. I think I may implement an alternative plan next year. As many of you know it has been my proposed practice on New Year’s Eve to set the clock ahead a few hours so that I could celebrate New Year’s eve while I am still awake. The upside is that we would avoid all those on the highways that drink too much, the downside is that some restaurants might frown on our use of noise makers and kissing other customers at 8 PM. In the same vein I was thinking if I moved the calendar ahead a week next year, I would be able to avoid the Christmas rush since I would be shopping after everyone celebrated Christmas, prices would be better too. Then when we celebrated New Year’s Eve on January 6th, people would not think we were celebrating early on News Years day, just obviously that we were out of our minds. Who knows the restaurant might even provide free food if we would just leave.

Of course I am married to a traditionalist who buys none of this, and since it is she who must be obeyed I, like you, will be trying to stay awake late on New Year’s Eve and join all of you who do so, celebrate a traditional Christmas.

~~~

Over the last month or so we have had a number of new people join our list, which is always good. What is even better is how some of you do more than just read the daily. A Priest reported that he had found something he would use in one of his homilies, another resends it to a wider distribution list, another friend reported that he had integrated a few of our items into his weekly class for kids, it goes on and on. I am always surprised but also pleased when a friend of a friend asks to be added or when one of you sends in the names of friends or relatives to go on the list. In a few cases some of these have become pen pals. But no matter why you are here I am glad to be with you each day.

~~~

She told me why SANTA CLAUS must be a WOMAN!

Men don’t know how to pack a bag.

Most men wouldn’t be caught dead wearing red velvet.

Men don’t even think about selecting gifts until after lunch on Christmas Eve.

Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.

If Santa were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and Chia Pets, still in the bag from the mall.

If Santa were a man he would have no reindeer, because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped across the front of the sleigh. And Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. And if he did find some way to power the sleigh, he’d never get to everyone’s house because he would get lost up there in the snow and never stop to ask for directions.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened by having to be seen with all those elves.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowl full of jelly.”

Having to do the “Ho Ho Ho” thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up chicks.

And last but not least, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment!

~~~

“I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up… they have no holidays.”

Henny Youngman

~~~

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from Chicago, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida.

At the end of their White House tour, the guide asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guide said “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys look at it and give me a bid.”

So to the back fence they went.

First up was the Florida contractor.

He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, $100 profit for me.”

Then the guide asks the Chicago contractor how much. Without even going around to take a look at the job the contractor says: $2,700.”

The guide, incredulous, looks at him and says “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy” says the guy from Chicago, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri.”

~~~

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

Mahatma Gandhi

~~~

Andy Rooney On Prisons:

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.

~~~

A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, “Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?”

The Pope considers for a moment, and says, “I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you.”

The next day the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, “My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape.”

“And what’s the bad news?” asks the man.

“You tee-off tomorrow morning,” the Pope replies.

~~~

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

David H Comins

~~~

A lawyer was cross-examining a witness:

“You have just testified that you heard the shot at exactly 11:32 p.m.? How did you know what time it was? Did you look at your watch?”

“No,” the witness said. “I looked at the sundial in the garden.”

“That’s absurd,” screamed the lawyer. “How could you tell time by a sundial at 11:32 at night?”

“I had a flashlight,” the witness said.

~~~

How do I know anything really exists? Kick it *really* hard.

~~~

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day.

While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, “Grandpa, they didn’t have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?”

Grandpa replies, “Nope.”

The teen says, “Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?”

Grandpa replies, “A wedding ring.”

~~~

“If we are to enjoy life, now is the time, not tomorrow or next year….

Today should always be our most wonderful day.”

Thomas Dreier

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

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Happy Holidays

Ray’s Daily

December 21, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

“A joy that is shared is a joy made double.”

John Roy

Ray’s Daily first published on December 21, 2004

As you look to finish selecting the rest of your holiday gifts you might want to consider these from an unknown author.

To your enemy, forgiveness.

To an opponent, tolerance.

To a friend, your heart.

To every child, a good example.

To all, charity.

To yourself, respect.

I often wonder why when we have so much to give we miss so many chances to make someone happy. When we do we also benefit, for when we give forgiveness we unload our anger, when we are tolerant we no longer search for flaws, when we give our hearts to friends we let them know the joy the bring into our lives, when we are good examples we sow the seeds of goodness in the generations to come, when we are charitable we are rewarded by reinforcing our humanity, and when all is said and done we end our day by respecting ourselves.

~~~

In recognizing the humanity of our fellow beings, we pay ourselves the highest tribute.

Thurgood Marshall

~~~

History from Wendy: For those who never saw the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930’s and ’40’s. Before the Interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers’ fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet……and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD

TO GAIN A MINUTE

YOU NEED YOUR HEAD

YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT

Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG

DRIVER SNOOZING

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

IS NOT AMUSING

Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER

LET’S REHEARSE

ALL TOGETHER

GOOD MORNING NURSE

Burma Shave

BY CAUTIOUS RIDER

TO HER RECKLESS DEAR

LET’S HAVE LESS BULL

AND MORE STEER

Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH

WEATHER WAS NOT

TIRES WERE THIN

X MARKS THE SPOT

Burma Shave

~~~

The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

~~~

The boyfriend said, “We’re going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I’ve gotten three tickets for the big game.”

“Why do we need three?” asked the girl.

“They’re for your Father, Mother, and kid sister.” he replied.

~~~

I got my IQ test results back, they were negative.

~~~

The officer pulled me over for speeding. I explained that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.

But rather than letting me off, he wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, “Congratulations. The first year is paper, right?”

~~~

When you learn not to want things so badly, life comes to you.

Jessica Lange

~~~

*A Man’s Guide to What A Woman Is Really Saying*

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE….. without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?… we haven’t had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA’S FINE….. you cheap slob!

I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW…. I just don’t want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?… I can’t believe you have nothing planned.

I LIKE YOU, BUT…… I don’t like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN…. you never listen.

I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE…. I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I’LL PAY FOR MYSELF…. I’m just being nice; there’s no way I’m going dutch!!

~~~

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

~~~

A little son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time the rite of baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub.

The first kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family cat rebelled. It struggled with him, clawed and tore him, and got away.

With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony. But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face.

Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on the floor in disgust and said: “Fine, be an Atheist.”

~~~

Father grumbling to his two boys as he reluctantly gets ready for an evening out: “Other kids make their mothers too tired to want to go out — but not you two.”

~~~

Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Houston, Texas prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a quick peek at it and address him by name.

Once, during a check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. “Welcome to Houston, Mr. Bell,” the desk clerk said.

“Oh, please,” the man replied, “call me Taco.”

~~~

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was…surrounded by trees and bushes.

~~~

Forgiveness does not change the past,

But it does enlarge the future.

Paul Boese

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

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Another Holiday Reprint

Ray’s Daily

December 20,2022

http://rays-daily.com

The truly generous is the truly wise, and he who loves not others, lives unblest.

Henry Home

Ray’s Daily first published on December 20, 2002

The weather in Indianapolis will change for the worse today, it always does whenever I ring bells outside for the Salvation Army. The side benefit though is that people seem to be more giving out of sympathy for runny noses, frozen feet, and shivering.

~~~

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,” the message on the dreidel will be the more generic: “Miraculous stuff happens.” In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.”

~~~

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.

Erica Jong

~~~

To: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)

3. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

~~~

Don’t worry that children never listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you.

Robert Fulghum

~~~

It’s forty below zero one-winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, “You owe me quite a bit on your tab.”

“Sorry,” says Pat, “I’m flat broke this week.”

“That’s okay,” says the bartender. “I’ll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall.”

“But,” says Pat, “I don’t want any of my friends to see that.”

“They won’t,” says the bartender. “I’ll just hang your parka over it until it’s paid.”

~~~

If George Washington were alive today, he’d be most noted for his old age.

~~~

Bill had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week’s vacation in France.

“I wish we’d brought the refrigerator with us,” said Morris.

“What on earth for?” asked the wife.

“I’ve left our airline tickets on it.”

~~~

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

~~~

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, “But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half.”

“Just bring me a size eight.”

The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, “I’ve lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my business has filed Chapter 7.

The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off.”

~~~

“A worrier always seems less troubled by what happens today than by what might happen tomorrow.”

Unknown

~~~

It is said that when you tell an Englishman a joke, he will laugh three times. First – when you tell it, to be polite. Second – when you explain it, to be polite. And third – in the middle of the night when he wakes up and finally gets it.

When you tell a German the same joke, he will laugh twice. First – when you tell it, to be polite. And second – when you explain it, to be polite. He won’t laugh a third time because he will never get it.

When you tell an American the same joke he won’t laugh at all. Instead he will say, “It’s an old joke and besides, you tell it all wrong!”

~~~

*grin* It makes “them” wonder!

~~~

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here.”

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter Jim?”

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: “Throw me my 7-iron! You can’t get out of here with an 8-iron.”

~~~

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute… I’ll find someone.

~~~

Some neighbors of my grandparents gave them a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that my grandmother had to throw it away.

Ever gracious and tactful, my grandmother still felt obliged to send the neighbors a note. It read: “Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn’t last very long in our house.”

~~~

“Happiness is not a reward – it is a consequence.

Suffering is not a punishment – it is a result.”

Robert G. Ingersoll

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

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Christmas Past

Ray’s Daily

December 19, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.”

Norman Vincent Peale

TodayI would like to revist Christmas week past so here is Ray’s Daily from December 19, 2003

I think I mentioned the other day how much I appreciate the feeling of the season. When I ring bell’s outside, helping to raise funds for the Salvation Army I am constantly greeted with a Merry Christmas or Happy Holiday’s from men, women, and children of all ages. Yesterday seniors at a local retirement community warmly greeted my fellow Kiwanians as we did our best to sing carols at their morning meal. While I seldom see many of you, the friends I do run into often close our brief meeting with a hug and their good wishes.

Equally important to me is the holiday messages I get from so many of you. As an example one of my heroes is a Doctor now working with the World Health organization outside the U.S. She was instrumental in helping to put together a partnership between Ted Turner’s UN Foundation and Kiwanis International that put $2 million into programs in Africa. She sent me an E-mail this week for which I am grateful

I am sure that many of you have not heard of Albert Schweitzer. He was an unselfish humanitarian who spent much of his life in one of the world’s most difficult places, French Equatorial Africa. He was a Doctor, world class musician, and theologian who gave up fame and fortune to help others who the world had abandoned. Mary, and others like her carry on that tradition. Unsung heroes, often living in the most difficult circumstances, doing for others. Many of you serve others as a profession, personal philosophy, or as a way of life, others of us demonstrate our commitment to others in our daily lives. Humanity is built upon the foundation of people who care, care for their family, care for others, and care for themselves. You are heroes in your own right. Stop for a minute and just think what our world would be like if everyone just turned their back on the needs of others. Thanks for all you do, and especially thanks to those of you who have let me know how you are doing.

~~~

Down these mean streets a man must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid… He is the hero, he is everything. He must be a complete man and a common man and yet an unusual man. He must be, to use a rather weathered phrase, a man of honor, by instinct, by inevitability, without thought of it, and certainly without saying it. He must be the best man in his world and a good enough man for any world.

Raymond Chandler

~~~

A pick pocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. “Mr. Brewster,” the Judge said, “you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150.”

After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster’s lawyer stood up and said, “Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd…”

~~~

Surely the finest teachers of creativity, persistence, and unconditional love are children.

~~~

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

“Not Gutenberg?” Gasped the collector.

“Yes, that was it!”

“You idiot! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!”

“Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.”

~~~

There is no heavier burden than great potential

Linus (Peanuts)

~~~

** SIGNS YOU NEED A NEW DOCTOR **

– He calls you at two in the morning “just to talk.”

– He keeps accidentally referring to himself as “the defendant.”

– He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Brooklyn.

– He tries to color your X-Rays with crayons.

– Your internist thinks that “saline solution ” is taking his yacht to Barbados for 3 weeks.

~~~

She’s always late, in fact, her ancestors arrived on the June flower.

~~~

One evening while I was preparing dinner, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. “Mom,” she asked, “what’s a quarter horse?”

As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, “I know! It’s the one they have in front of the grocery store.”

~~~

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

~~~

“I have good news and bad news,” the defense attorney told his client. “First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.”

“Oh, no!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is only 180.”

~~~

Researchers at Johns Hopkins announced an incredible breakthrough in shoe science. Solving a puzzle that has eluded scientists for decades, they reported that it’s the left sandal that’s the flip, and the right sandal is the flop.

Craig Kilborn

~~~

“Intelligent” is a term used to describe someone who agrees with you.

~~~

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched this small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read: “Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service.”

After explaining his needs, he said, “I’ll be back for my suit tomorrow.”

“Won’t be ready til Saturday,” replied the proprietor.

“But I thought you had 24-hour service,” the customer protested.

“We do, son,” the proprietor said reproachfully. “But we only work eight hours a day. Today’s Thursday – eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That’s 24-hour service.”

~~~

Why Men Shouldn’t Take Messages…Husband’s note to wife:

“Doctor’s office called: Said Pabst Beer is normal.”

~~~

The Hospital regulations where Betty last worked as a nurse, like most all others, require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. One day Betty, found an elderly gentleman, already dressed and sitting on the bed with an overnight suit case besides him. The guy insisted he didn’t need Betty’s help to leave the hospital.

But after Betty educated him about the hospital rules, and vehemently insisting she would take him down to the hospital exit, he reluctantly agreed to let her wheel him to the elevator.

After they were downstairs and at the exit door, Betty asked if his wife or someone was meeting him and taking him home. “I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

~~~

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”

Stephen Wright

~~~

Contrary to popular belief, most blondes do indeed know the value of a dollar. The other day a blonde from Atlanta had her car break down. The tow truck driver charged her $65.00 to take the car to the garage less than 10 miles away.

When she told her husband that evening, he said that the driver had taken advantage of her.

She said, “I thought so. But I made him earn it. I kept the brakes on all the way.”

~~~

“Appreciation is a wonderful thing; it makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.”

Voltaire

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of readers from around the world.

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Be Grateful

Ray’s Daily

December 16, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

“Peace on earth will come to stay, when we live Christmas every day.”

Helen Steiner Rice

There is more to the gifts we receive than what is packed inside. We do well to appreciate the effort behind what we are given.

The Long Walk

In the midst of shopping, decorating, card writing, cooking and baking … before you get frazzled and frayed in the days leading up to Christmas, I want to share an old story with you. In the telling, I pray you might allow it to influence your decisions and activities during the holidays.

Some time ago there was an American missionary living in a very remote, tiny African village. The young woman was a teacher who laboured alongside the natives.

One Christmas Eve a little boy from the missionary’s class proudly brought her a crudely wrapped gift. The teacher was quite surprised. This young boy was very poor. What could he possibly give? The teacher unwrapped the gift and found within the crumpled brown paper a beautiful, exquisite seashell.

The missionary, knowing the only place to find such shells was many rugged miles away, expressed her enthusiastic appreciation.

‘My goodness,’ she told him, ‘you’ve travelled so far to bring me such a wonderful, lovely present!’

At first the little boy appeared surprised by her reaction, but his eyes quickly brightened and a wide smile crept across his small face.

‘Oh, teacher,’ he explained, ‘Long walk part of gift.’

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

It might be tempting to believe what the marketers are trying to tell and sell us – that the ‘perfect’ gift will make for a perfect Christmas. Don’t believe it. As the little boy taught his teacher and reminds you and me, it’s not the gift that really matters – it’s the effort, thought and love behind the giving of the gift itself.

Even if you navigate these next few days with the right spirit and attitude befitting the celebration of the world’s greatest birthday, you might still find yourself worn out and weary. If you do, don’t despair. Just remember the heart-warming words of that little boy – words which I pray might echo down through the years . . . . ‘LONG WALK PART OF GIFT’

Written by Jim Daly of Focus on the Family

~~~

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.”

Helen Keller

~~~

Here are some more words for you to use in your conversations today.

Lactomangulation (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the ‘open here’ spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

Peppier (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

~~~

Hypochondriacs are just like fishermen, because neither have to catch anything to be happy.

Lawrence Brotherton

~~~

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up?”

Nine hands went up.

“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man. “Too much trouble,” came the reply.

~~~

Marriage changes passion … suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

~~~

A woman goes to a bank and meets with a loan officer.

“I want a loan,” she tells him. “I’m going to divorce my husband.”

“Oh, we don’t give loans for divorces,” says the loan officer. “We do make loans for automobiles, businesses, home improvements …”

The woman interrupts. “Well, getting rid of him would certainly be a home improvement!”

~~~

The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions–the little, soon-forgotten charities of a kiss or smile, a kind look or heartfelt compliment.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

~~~

A little boy had been pawing over a stationer’s stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, “Just what is it you’re looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, Anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?”

The boy shook his head and answered, “Got any like a blank report card?”

~~~

She said, “I haven’t found Mr. Right, but I have found Mr. Cheap, Mr. Sleazy, and Mr. Wrong.”

~~~

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.

“What happened, Mother?” the daughter asked.

“I had to slap his face three times!”

“You mean he got fresh?”

“No,” she answered…

“I thought he was dead!”

~~~

“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

Albert Einstein

~~~

My wife said:

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power.

But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.

Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

~~~

“A joy that is shared is a joy made double.”

John Roy

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

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Favorite Things

Ray’s Daily

December 15, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

A.A. Milne

Ray’s Daily first published on December 15, 2004

It is close to the end of the year and a good time to reflect and take stock of the last twelve months. Most of us score our year based on the high points, both good and bad. A gal named Audrey understands better than most that it is the everyday things that make life enjoyable. Here are some of her favorite things:

Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

Having someone tell you that you’re beautiful.

Laughing at an inside joke.

Friends.

Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

Playing with a new puppy.

Sweet dreams.

Hot chocolate.

Road trips with friends.

Swinging on swings.

Making eye contact with a stranger

Making chocolate chip cookies.

Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.

Holding hands with someone you care about.

Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change

Watching the sunrise.

Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.

I think if you make your own list of the things you like, you will be glad you did. It is too easy to take the good things in life for granted, every once in awhile it is worth asking what life would be like without them.

~~~

Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: “I’m with you kid. Let’s go.”

Maya Angelou

~~~

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

“Hallo, Mr. Chirac!”, a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Chirac replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Chirac paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command.” “Begorra!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back!”

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!” “And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Chirac asked. “Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Chirac sighed, amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke.” “Saints preserve us!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!” We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to two hundred thousand!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!”, said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Chirac. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” said Paddy, “we’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there’s no way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners.”

~~~

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

~~~

Just after the maid had been fired. She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, “I never forget a friend. This is for helping me clean the dishes every night!”

~~~

At a lavish country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

“Look,” she said. “We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other.”

“Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong!” the young man declared.

“For the past 5 years I’ve been working in the bank where your father has his account.”

~~~

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

~~~

She told me:

Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie.

To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.

This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very “with it” attitude. “I see we have the same taste,” I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.

“Yes,” she replied. “I’m getting this for my grandmother.”

~~~

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

~~~

Maureen told her young son to go to bed and be sure to say his prayers and ask God to make him a good boy.

The boy’s father, passing by the bedroom, overheard his son praying: “And make me a good boy if You can; and if You can’t, don’t worry about it, ’cause I’m having fun the way I am.”

~~~

In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his young son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, “You know, Bobby, if we really mess this up, we’ll never have to do it again.”

~~~

“She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.”

Mae West

~~~

Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!

Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.

When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!

~~~

“Each time someone stands up for an ideal, Or acts to improve the lot of others, Or strikes out against injustice, They send forth a ripple of hope.”

Robert F. Kennedy

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

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Things are better than we realize

Ray’s Daily

December 14, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

“Reflect upon your present blessings—of which every man has many—not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”

Charles Dickens

It is a good time to appreciate the good things in our lives. I think too many of us fail to appreciate all we have. The following is a good reminder of things we often take for granted.

19 Signs You’re Doing Better than You Think

You are alive.
You are able to see the sunrise and the sunset.
You are able to hear birds sing and waves crash.
You can walk outside and feel the breeze through your hair and the sun’s warmth on your skin.
You have tasted the sweetness of chocolate cake.
You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night.
You awoke this morning with a roof over your head.
You had a choice of what clothes to wear.
You haven’t feared for your life today.
You have overcome some considerable obstacles, and you have learned and survived.
You often worry about what you’re going to do with your life – your career, your family, the next step, etc. – which means you have ambition, passion, drive, and the freedom to make your own decisions.
You live in a country that protects your basic human rights and civil liberties.
You are reasonably strong and healthy – if you got sick today, you could recover.
You have a friend or relative who misses you and looks forward to your next visit.
You have someone with whom to reminisce about ‘the good old days.’
You have access to clean drinking water.
You have access to medical care.
You have access to the internet.
You can read.

The truth is you’re doing better than a lot of people in this world. And while you may not have ALL of the aforementioned right now, you get the idea. So remember to be grateful for the things you DO have. Because in the end, the secret to being grateful is no secret. You choose to be grateful for the little things, again and again.

Marc Chernoff

~~~

“Strive to find things to be thankful for, and just look for the good in who you are.”

Bethany Hamilton

~~~

Funny Kids’ Opinions

On science: “We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.”

–Travis, age 11

On beauty: “If you want to be loved by someone who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.”

–Anita, age 8

On beauty: “It isn’t always how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything, and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.”

–Brian, age 7

On marriage: “Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.”

–Eddie, age 6

On marriage: “Twenty-three is the best age, because you know the person forever by then.”

–Cameron, age 10

On relationships: “Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.”

–Lynnette, age 8

On relationships: “Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.”

–Erin, age 8

On science: “One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in 1 second.”

–Harold, age 11

~~~

Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, and so am I!

~~~

A couple were vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he’d like to camp and to calm her concerns, they’d talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, “Well, we haven’t seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter.”

The wife shrieked, “There’s two types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous”?

The ranger replied, “Well, that’s easy. See, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it’s a black bear. If it shakes the tree until you fall out, it’s a grizzly.”

The motel room was quite nice.

~~~

Sometimes being in the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

~~~

If you like gambling, the worst thing you can do is bring your spouse with you to the casino.

If you lose, they get mad.

If you win, they want half!

~~~

A mother may hope that her daughter will get a better husband that she did, but she knows her son will never get as good a wife as his father did.

~~~

I was in a customer’s home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their four-year-old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pant leg and excitedly exclaimed, “I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it”?

I said, “Sure Michelle.”

So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl’s bicycle.

“Wow, Michelle! That’s a beautiful bicycle.” I complimented. “Can you ride it”?

“Yeah, I can ride it,” she said, then with a sad face she pouted, “but it’s broke.”

I looked at the new bicycle and couldn’t see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, “What’s wrong with it”?

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, “but every time I ride it, it falls down!”

~~~

If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it.

Jonathan Winters

~~~

We finally got a local doctor who set-up his practice right in his home. He was awakened one morning about 4:00 A.M. by a man who said he brought his wife in.

Thinking it to be an emergency, the doctor hurried out to the truck with the man. There sat a healthy looking young woman whom the doctor had just seen the day before.

“Good morning Doctor.” she smiled. “You told me to come in for a blood test this morning before breakfast.”

~~~

Proud father to mother as they watched their small son lying on the floor studying by the light from the TV screen. “Reminds you of Abe Lincoln, doesn’t it?”

~~~

A woman was determined to get her newly retired husband some attractive leisure clothes. She went into a men’s clothing store and told the salesgirl, “I’m looking for something youthful, something wild in a men’s pair of slacks.”

“Oh,” sighed the salesgirl. “Aren’t we all?”

~~~

“When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself.”

Tecumseh

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

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Courtesy

Ray’s Daily

December 13, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

He who sows courtesy reaps friendship.

Saint Basil

Sorry about missing the Daily yesterday. I have been under the weather since last Sunday and just now am returning to normal.

Here we are in the Holday season when each of us has the opportunity to earn the proverbial good will that underscores the season. I thought the following is an appropriate reminder about how we can live in the spirit of the season.

‘There are some things money can’t buy . . . like manners, morals and integrity.’

I wish I knew who first said this because I’d like to thank them. Growing up we had house rules and expectations. If you open it, close it; if you use the last one, replace it; if you turn it on, turn if off; if you unlock it, lock it; if you break it, fix it; if you borrow it, return it; if you make a mess, clean it up and many others. Everyday rules for a family of four to live, survive and exist in supreme harmony, well most of the time. These manners stemmed from mutual respect for each other, common sense and the fear of retribution from Mom and Dad . . . more Mom than Dad.

Politenesses, like the magic words ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘excuse me’, seem to be on the verge of extinction like elephants, rhinos and lions – oh my! Why is this happening? Are people just rude? Have they forgotten lessons they were taught as a child, or even worst, were never taught?

Am I being overly critical or sensitive if I send a gift and expect the person to acknowledge that they received it? My grandmother once said, ‘expect nothing and you will never be disappointed’. I tried. It doesn’t work. Nothing drives me up a wall quicker than sending a gift and still wondering, weeks later, did they receive it? Whether you liked it or not, let me know that you got it and then re-gift it to someone else.

In this age of technology, it’s so easy to send a tweet, an email, or a text message. Heaven forbid we should expect a written note, phone call or a letter tied to the leg of a pigeon! When a sent gift goes unacknowledged and I complain about it, as I usually do, and my husband, the voice of reason will say, ‘That was your generation, this generation is different.’ Poppycock! Certain courtesies like saying ‘please’ when you ask for something and ‘thank you’ when you receive something should transcend generations. But have they? Maybe Jeff’s right . . . so off I went to conduct my own secret study.

First to the supermarket. When checking out the young cashier looked me straight in the eye, handed me my receipt and said ‘There you go’. Excuse me! When did ‘there you go’ replace ‘thank you’? I wanted to scream but held my tongue and took off for my next secret study – a restaurant. During lunch I asked the server for a bottle of ketchup and was answered with a ‘no prob’. Now maybe my age is showing but I wouldn’t think that getting a bottle of ketchup should be any sort of problem to start with. It’s not like I asked him to tell me what the stock market was going to do! Now that might pose a problem!

My third and final stop was a local department store. I stood in the check-out line behind an elderly woman who was paying for her purchase. Ten minutes later after a sundry of questions, she finally walked away. The two sales clerks turned to each other and started to mimic her. I stood ramrod straight, biting my tongue and willing the vein in my neck to stop pulsing! After they took my payment and wrapped my purchase, I looked them straight in the eye and ask, “Are you going to make fun of me when I walk away?” Before either could answer, I asked for their names and told them I was the new corporate customer service trainer and I’d be seeing them soon. Then I walked away. Truth – I am a corporate customer service trainer. Lie – just not for their store!

Maybe good manners and courtesies have changed and mean different things to younger generations. I do however believe that certain courtesies are just plain common sense. Of course, in the words of Mae West, ‘If common sense were common, men would ride side saddle.’

For taking the time to read this story, here’s a sincere thank you!

Written by Rosie Taylor

~~~

Courtesies of a small and trivial character are the ones which strike deepest in the grateful and appreciating heart.

Henry Clay

~~~

She said:

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful, we never felt hungry! But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There, in very fine print was: “Serves 6.”

~~~

Creditors have better memory than debtors.

~~~

Blonde definitions

Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.

Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn’-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.

Control \kon-trol’\: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \i-klips’\: what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i’-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee’-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left’ bangk’\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty \mis’-tee\: How some golfers create divots.

Paradox \par’-uh-doks\: two physicians.

Parasites \par’-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm’-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm! .

Polarize \po’-lur-ize\: what penguins see with.

Primate \pri’-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief \ree-leef’\: what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck \rub’-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress \seem’-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Selfish \sel’-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued \sub-dood’\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed \sood’-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government.

~~~

“I recently went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn’t want to go because I’ve put on, like, 100 pounds!”

Wendy Liebman

~~~

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles.

Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning.

After thinking about it, David replied, “How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?”

~~~

A man may make many mistakes, but is not a failure until he starts blaming someone else for them.

~~~

An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch.

“You used to sit closer to me,” said the woman. So the man moved closer.

“You used to put your arm around me.” So the man put his arm around her.

“You used to nibble on my ear.” “Okay, I will be right back. Let me get my teeth.”

~~~

Bill says he and his wife have structured conversations.

“First, she gives me her opinion, then she gives me my opinion.”

~~~

“Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little.”

Edmund Burke

~~~

Jill and Nadine were having lunch and Nadine looked a little upset.

“Whats wrong?” asked Jill.

“I’m really worried about myself,” Nadine said forlornly. “My memory has always been a source of quiet pride to me, but lately it’s been failing me. I’m having a hard time remembering things from the mundane to the major.”

“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” Jill said consolingly, “sounds like you’ll forget all about it tomorrow.”

~~~

Courtesy is a silver lining around the dark clouds of civilization; it is the best part of refinement and in many ways, an art of heroic beauty in the vast gallery of man’s cruelty and baseness.

Bryant H. McGill

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

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12-8-2003

Ray’s Daily

December 9, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

Joy is not in things; it is in us.

Richard Wagner

Ray’s Daily first published on December 9, 2003

As many of you know our golden years are filled with our grandchildren’s spectator events. We are at a soccer game, basketball game, gymnastic meet, or some other event at least two or three times a week. Last weekend was no exception two soccer games and the Indiana State Gymnastic Championships where you had to qualify by exceeding a cutoff score during the fall season. My 8, soon to be 9, year old granddaughter participated. She ended up number 1 on the bars, and 5th overall. She also had very good scores on the vault and floor exercise, but had a slip on the balance beam which lowered her to her 5th place finish. Her next meet is in Florida in January. If you happen to go to a meet, bring a book, it is wait and wait followed by a minute or two of actual performance and then wait for the next skill. The thing that impresses me the most is her self discipline, her long hours of practice each day, and her great joy in doing it.

~~~

This is dedicated to my friend Clint, he moved to Michigan from Indianapolis, we miss him and at this time of year he may be missing us.

Aug. 20 – Moved to our new home in Michigan. It is so beautiful here. The hills are so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. This is God’s Country. I love it here!

Oct. 14 – Michigan is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors – you should see the beautiful shades of red and orange and yellow! Went for a ride through some beautiful rolling hills and spotted some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be Paradise… I love it here!

Nov. 3 – Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature, the very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 – It snowed last night! Woke up to find everything blanketed in white, just like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother nature in perfect harmony. I love Michigan!

Dec. 12 – More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again (that rascal) and pushed all the snow back into the driveway, but we bundled up and had a good time clearing it – and we made a snowman out of it! A winter wonderland… I love it here!

Dec. 19 – More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work on time! I’m exhausted from shoveling. That damn snowplow!

Dec. 22 – More of that white crap fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow man hides around the corner and waits until I’m done shoveling this driveway, the jerk! And you should see our heating bills!

Dec. 25 – “White Christmas” my busted ass! More friggin snow. If I ever get my hands on that son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I’ll break the bastard’s nose. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt this friggin ICE!

Dec. 28 – More white sh*t last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for shoveling out the driveway every time “Snowplow Harry” comes by. Can’t go anywhere, car’s buried in a mountain of frozen snow. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ of the sh*t tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10″ is?

Jan. 1 – Happy Damn New Year, the weatherman was wrong AGAIN. We got two feet of the white sh*t this time. At this rate it won’t melt before the Fourth of July. The snowplow got stuck up the road, and the jerk had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. After I told him I’ve broken six shovels already, shoveling all the sh*t he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his damn head!

Jan. 8 – Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back, a damn deer ran in front of the car and I hit the bastard. Did about $3,000 worth of damage to the car. Those damn beasts ought to be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

Mar. 22 – Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rotting out from all that damn salt they keep dumping all over the road? Car looks like a piece of sh*t!

April. 10 – Moved back to Florida. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in that God forsaken state of Michigan!

~~~

There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self- esteem, the more likely one will be to treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity.

~~~

My sister-in-law was very busy one day working in her house. She had just gotten to the basement after quite a few trips up and down when she heard the telephone ring upstairs. Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end.

“Hello”

“Yes.”

“We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey.”

Sorry I don’t wear them.

~~~

If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren’t doing much at 20.

~~~

My mom got mad at my dad the other day and went shopping to relieve her irritation…

When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses…

“Ten!” he hollered, “What could any woman want with ten new dresses??”

My mom calmly replied, “Ten new pairs of shoes.”

~~~

Mommy, What Is the Definition of…

** Abusive? What’s the matter, stupid, don’t you know the answer?

** Paranoid? You probably think I don’t know the answer, do you?

** Bigotry? I’m not going to tell someone like you.

** Over-Sensitive? How could you ask me a question like that?

** Depressed? You would have to ask me that?

** Nonchalant? It’s not important.

** Evasive? Go do your homework.

** Insomnia? I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.

~~~

Office rule: Never agree with your boss until he says something.

~~~

** Signs You Have a Cheap HMO Plan **

10. Directions to the doctor’s office include, “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

9. When you enter the office, you see a dispenser with the sign “PLEASE TAKE A NUMBER.”

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7. The only psychiatrist in the plan is nicknamed “Joe the bartender.”

6. The only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is, “An apple a day.”

5. Your “primary care physician” is wearing pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. “Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges” is not a misprint.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. Your pills come in different colors with “M” on them.

1. Prescription for anti-depressant medication: A coupon for a double espresso at Starbucks.

~~~

A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.

~~~

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, “When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it’s all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”

“Why complain?” said the counselor, “You’re still getting the same service.”

~~~

Real joy comes not from ease or riches or from the praise of men, but from doing something worthwhile.

Pierre Coneille

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

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