Ray's musings and humor

Archive for August, 2022

Better Late Than Never

Ray’s Daily

August 30, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

A wise man turns chance into good fortune.

Thomas Fuller

I have had the good fortune to have stumbled into some great opportunities. I have found that one of life’s great secrets is to be ready to turn even negative events into something worthwhile. I have spent a lifetime benefiting from the gifts I reaped from serendipity. So my friends be ready for opportunity, sometimes they are not easily recognized.

The Farmer’s Horse

by: Alan Watts

There is a story of a farmer whose horse ran away. That evening the neighbors gathered to commiserate with him since this was such bad luck. He said, “May be.”

The next day the horse returned, but brought with it six wild horses, and the neighbors came exclaiming at his good fortune. He said, “May be.”

And then, the following day, his son tried to saddle and ride one of the wild horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. Again the neighbors came to offer their sympathy for the misfortune. He said, “May be.”

The day after that, conscription officers came to the village to seize young men for the army, but because of the broken leg the farmer’s son was rejected. When the neighbors came to say how fortunately everything had turned out, he said, “May be.”

~~~

Good luck happens to people who work hard for it. Sometimes people just fall into the honey pot, but I’ve consistently strived to create whatever good fortune I can get in my life – and consistently strive just as hard not to screw it up once I have it!

Patrick Duffy

~~~

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. “The secret,” she said, “is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up.”

The boy looked at her quizzically… “Why does it have to be a secret?”

~~~

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 85, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests that they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:” Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers ” Yes”.

Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism? “

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about Viagra?”

Pharmacist: “Of course.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob turns to Rebecca:

“Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them!

~~~

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

~~~

Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle of the night feeding?”

“No. I always did that.”

“That must have been before you had women’s liberation.”

“No, it was before we had baby bottles.”

~~~

Quote from telephone inquiry “We’re only hiring one summer intern this year and we won’t start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss’ daughter finishes her summer classes.

~~~

A priest was sitting on the steps of the church one spring day enjoying the sunshine.  He saw a young boy approaching him on the sidewalk pulling a wagon.  Every few yards one of the wheels would fall off the wagon, the boy would say “Damn!” put the wheel back on, and continue down the street, and a wheel would fall off again a few yards later.

As the boy neared the steps, the priest saw this as an opportunity to make an impression on the boy, and stopped him.  “You know,” he said to the boy, “when a wheel falls off your wagon, instead of using profanity, you should say ‘Praise the Lord!’ instead.”  He went on to tell the boy how Someone is always watching over us and how we should be careful to do the right thing at all times.

The boy acknowledged his words and thanked him, and went on down the street.  The priest stood there, feeling quite pleased with himself.  About 50 yards away from the steps, all four wheels fell off the wagon, the boy stopped, heaved a huge sigh, and said, “Praise the Lord!”  Instantly the wagon raised off the ground, all four wheels returned to their places.

Upon seeing this, the priest said, “Damn!”

~~~

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”

Germaine Greer

~~~

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced.  “Will the laziest man please put his hand up?”

Nine hands went up.

“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.

“Too much trouble,” came the reply.

~~~

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here’s an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

     1) Hold down the shift key.

     2) Hit the 4 key four times.

~~~

“To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you’re overdoing it.”

Josh Jenkins

~~~

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn’t hear the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”

“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I’m sorry, Your Honor, I thought he was talking to you.”

~~~

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.

~~~

An older lady is making her first visit to her new doctor’s office. Before seeing the doctor she is required to fill-out forms. A nurse in the office offers to help her do this. The nurse starts by asking, “How old are you, Mrs. Silver?”

“None of your business,” she responds. The nurse then says, “But the doctor must know your age for his records.”

Mrs. Silver replies, “Okay. Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?”

“Yes.” answers the nurse.

“All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?”

The nurse says, “Zero.”

Mrs. Silver responds, “Right! And that’s exactly the chance of me telling you my age.”

~~~

A wise man turns chance into good fortune.

Thomas Fuller

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

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A New Day

Ray’s Daily

August 29, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning.

J. B. Priestly

Reprint: Ray’s Daily first published on August 29, 2002

The older we get the more we realize that we have all sorts of missed opportunities to be happy. Often it was a case of missed priorities. My friend Bob knows some of the secrets and has shared them with us.

How To Stay Young and Happy!

Throw out all the nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them — that is why you pay him.

Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably a few of your relatives to do the job.

Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Just never let your brain idle.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.

The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you your entire life is yourself.

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, and hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

Cherish your health. If it is good — preserve it. If it is unstable — improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve — get help.

Don’t take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country … but not to guilt.

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

And remember that Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take … but by the moments that take our breath away!

~~~

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.

Les Brown

~~~

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: “An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.'”

“See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded one jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.” She wasn’t selected for the jury.

~~~

Andy Rooney on Vegetarians: “Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter.'”

~~~

As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band.

“I’ll buy a chocolate bar on one condition,” I said to the boys. “You eat it for me.”

I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys.

He shook his head. “I can’t,” he said.

“Why not?”

Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, “I’m not supposed to take candy from strangers.”

~~~

Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!

~~~

Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said. “I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?”

“It’s not your income that bothers us,” the agent said. “It’s these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife.”

“Oh, that?” the owner said smiling. “Well… we also deliver.”

~~~

Quirks About Life That You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty…

– Most people deserve each other.

– All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

– The one who snores will fall asleep first.

– The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

– If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.

– The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.

– Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

~~~

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.”

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, “We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.”

The police said, “It’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.”

“Well, who was it?”

“The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

~~~

Quote from a recent meeting: “We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done”.

~~~

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown.

Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.”

“Why?” asked the nervous pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”

The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

~~~

YOGI BERRA SAID: “I really didn’t say everything I said.”

~~~

A teacher is giving a spelling bee.  She asks little John to spell the word “before.”

“Um…  Before: b-e-e-f-o-r” he replies erroneously.

The teacher then calls on Suzy.

“Before: b-e-p-h-o-r.”

Again, she is wrong, and the teacher calls on little Leroy.

“Before: b-e-f-o-r-e.” gloats the little boy.

“Very good, Leroy! Can you use the word in a sentence?”

“Yeah.  Before:  Two and two be fore.”

~~~

“The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.”

Hubert Humphrey

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

Have a Great Weekend

Ray’s Daily

August 26, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

“I choose gentleness. Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle.”

Max Lucado

Friday at last. This has been a week for me with a few problems but they are over and I look forward to a good weekend.  I hope you have one as well. Here are a few worthy thoughts from Angel Chernoff to get us started,

7 Simple Yet Powerful Reminders to End Your Week Right

1. We cannot control exactly what happens around us, but we can control how we respond. In your response is your freedom.

2. If we’ve learned one thing recently, it’s that we need to be gentle with ourselves and others. We’re all a bit weary and stressed. Be recklessly gracious.

3. It’s rarely as personal as it seems. What other people say and do is mostly because of them, not you. So let their opinions inform you, but don’t let them limit you.

4. There’s a time and place for everything, and every step is necessary. Just keep doing your best, and don’t force what’s not yet supposed to fit into your life. It will happen, when it’s time. Where you are right now is where your power is.

5. No single struggle defines everything we are. No single chapter tells the whole story. Keep turning the pages that need to be turned.

6. If the grass looks greener on the other side, stop staring, stop comparing, and start watering the grass you’re standing on.

7. When life feels like an emotional roller coaster, steady yourself with simple rituals. Make the bed. Water the plants. Rinse off your own bowl and spoon. Remember, simplicity attracts calmness and wisdom.

The bottom line is, despite the real world challenges you face, the biggest and most complex obstacle you will ever have to personally overcome is your own mind. In other words, you aren’t responsible for everything that happens, but you ARE responsible for undoing the self-defeating thinking and behavioral patterns that these undesirable experiences create…

~~~

“Being a gentle person means that though you have the power and potential to be devastating through your attitudes and actions, you control them so that you have a calming and soothing effect on others.”

Anonymous

~~~

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, “This is Mr. Magillicutty. I need you to bury my wife.”

“Mr. Magillicutty? Sidney Magillicutty?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“Didn’t I bury your wife 10 years ago?” the undertaker asked.

“I got married again,” the man sobbed.

“Oh,” replied the undertaker. “Congratulations.”

~~~

A man ninety years old was asked to what he attributed his longevity. I reckon, he said, with a twinkle in his eye, it because most nights I went to bed and slept when I should have sat up and worried.

Dorothea Kent

~~~

Here are some actual comments made by NYC Teachers on student’s report cards. These comment were made as part of their final narratives.

All the Teachers were reprimanded, but they said it was worth it!

1. “Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.”

2. “I would not allow your student to breed.”

3. “Your child has delusions of adequacy.”

4. “Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

5. “Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

6. “The student has a “full six pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

7. “This child has been working with glue too much.”

8. “When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.”

9. “The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is not coming.”

10. “If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

11. “It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.”

~~~

“It is better to ask some of the questions than to know all the answers.”

James Thurber

~~~

An elderly man was driving down the freeway, and the car phone rings. Answering, he found it was his son’s voice urgently warning, “I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-285.  Please! Be careful!”

“Hey!” said the senior citizen, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

~~~

I couldn’t remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really do melt in your hand…

Peter Oakley

~~~

The school of agriculture’s dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, “Why have you chosen this career?” he asked.

“I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father,” the student replied.

“Your father made a million dollars in farming?” echoed the dean much impressed.

“No,” replied the applicant. “But he always dreamed of it.”

~~~

“It is a sign of a creeping inner death when we no longer can praise the living.”

Eric Hoffer

~~~

A boy, who was a witness in court, was asked by a lawyer: “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I thought so! Who was it?”

“My father, sir.”

“And what did he tell you?”

“He said the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, I would be all right.”

~~~

“Statistics Means Never Having to Say you’re Certain”

~~~

Barbara said, I returned to my parents’ home to attend a funeral. At the funeral my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar.  “Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?” she asked as she left me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He must be the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother’s funeral. “It’s good to see you again, Rabbi,” I said. “Though I wish it weren’t always under such tragic circumstances.  “The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.

“Imagine,” she whispered, “after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your wedding!”

~~~

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, “This is Mr. Magillicutty. I need you to bury my wife.”

“Mr. Magillicutty? Sidney Magillicutty?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“Didn’t I bury your wife 10 years ago?” the undertaker asked.

“I got married again,” the man sobbed.

“Oh,” replied the undertaker. “Congratulations.”

~~~

A man ninety years old was asked to what he attributed his longevity. I reckon, he said, with a twinkle in his eye, it because most nights I went to bed and slept when I should have sat up and worried.

Dorothea Kent ~

~~~

Here are some actual comments made by NYC Teachers on student’s report cards. These comment were made as part of their final narratives.

All the Teachers were reprimanded, but they said it was worth it!

1. “Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.”

2. “I would not allow your student to breed.”

3. “Your child has delusions of adequacy.”

4. “Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

5. “Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

6. “The student has a “full six pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

7. “This child has been working with glue too much.”

8. “When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.”

9. “The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is not coming.”

10. “If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

11. “It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.”

~~~

“It is better to ask some of the questions than to know all the answers.”

James Thurber

~~~

An elderly man was driving down the freeway, and the car phone rings. Answering, he found it was his son’s voice urgently warning, “I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-285.  Please! Be careful!”

“Hey!” said the senior citizen, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

~~~

I couldn’t remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really do melt in your hand…

Peter Oakley

~~~

The school of agriculture’s dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, “Why have you chosen this career?” he asked.

“I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father,” the student replied.

“Your father made a million dollars in farming?” echoed the dean much impressed.

“No,” replied the applicant. “But he always dreamed of it.”

~~~

“It is a sign of a creeping inner death when we no longer can praise the living.”

Eric Hoffer

~~~

A boy, who was a witness in court, was asked by a lawyer: “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I thought so! Who was it?”

“My father, sir.”

“And what did he tell you?”

“He said the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, I would be all right.”

~~~

“Statistics Means Never Having to Say you’re Certain”

~~~

Barbara said, I returned to my parents’ home to attend a funeral. At the funeral my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar.  “Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?” she asked as she left me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He must be the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother’s funeral. “It’s good to see you again, Rabbi,” I said. “Though I wish it weren’t always under such tragic circumstances.  “The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.

“Imagine,” she whispered, “after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your wedding!”

~~~

“I have three precious things which I hold fast and prize. The first is gentleness; the second frugality; the third is humility, which keeps me from putting myself before others. Be gentle and you can be bold; be frugal and you can be liberal; avoid putting yourself before others and you can become a leader among men.”

Lao Tzu

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

Be Positive

Ray’s Daily

August 25, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

“Live life to the fullest, and focus on the positive.”

Matt Cameron

I am back after some internet, computer and health problems that only lasted for a couple of days. I learned that a 12 hour sleep session can work wonders I also benefited from some technical help and luck. Anyway things are back to goiod times. The following story offers the best medicine for recovery from a bad day. Somy friends have a good day, I know I will.

What Am I

I am seldom considered, though I do more to influence everything about you than virtually any one thing in your life.  I often control the time you get up in the morning, the time you go to sleep, what you eat and drink and the very thought that runs through your head.  I can make you either happy or sad, loving or hateful, cheerful or remorseful, congenial or spiteful and in doing so, control the very capacity that you have for success.

No, you don’t often think of me instead you BLAME the problem I create on the shortcoming of others, or the state of the economy, or your family or a million other reasons.  Often at times unable to find anyone else to BLAME you look for shortcomings within yourself on which to lay the BLAME.

When my impact on your life fully is considered in your every thought and action, when you are mindful of my awesome power, when you nurture and groom me for positive use in your life, I can become more contagious than the most prolific disease ever witnessed by man.  My influence will spread to every person you come in contact with.

Groomed and nurtured in a positive manner there will be no person or obstacle that can stand in the way of my success or fail to be impacted for the better.

‘I Am Your Attitude’

Author Unknown

~~~

“A positive attitude is a person’s passport to a better tomorrow.”

Jeff Keller

~~~

An older man strode in to his doctors office and said, “Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you’ve been giving to Mrs. Smith.”

“Oh, he did, did he?” the doctor shot back. “And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor’s orders?”

The old man says, “Since he found out I’ve been on birth control pills since December.”

~~~

“I feel the capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest significance.”

Pablo Casals

~~~

She said: I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, “Meatloaf” or “Pot Roast” or “Steak and Vegetables or “Chicken and Dumplings” or “Beef Pot Pie.”

However, I used to get very frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you’ll see a whole new set of labels. You’ll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” “I Don’t Care,” “Something Good,” or “Food.” My frustration is reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it will be there waiting.

~~~

The best cure for insomnia is plenty of sleep.

W.C. Fields

~~~

Two Jews, one old and one young, travel in a train in old Europe. The young Jew asks the Old Jew: -What time is it?

The old Jew does not answer.

After asking him 25 times, the young Jew seem to give up and asks the old Jew: – Tell me, why don’t you want to tell me what time it is?

The old Jew answers: – Because then you are going to ask me where I am going to and I will have to answer that I am going to Zlabodka to visit my beautiful daughter Lea and you will certainly ask if she is single and I will have to say that she is single and you will certainly ask to meet her for a Shiduch and the last thing I want in my life is my beautiful Lea to marry someone who does not have money even to by himself a watch!

~~~

There is no right way to do a wrong thing.

~~~

The teacher asks her class to give her a sentence about a public servant.

A small boy raises his hand right away, so the teacher calls on him.

“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” the boy says.

The teacher immediately took the lad aside to correct him.

“Do you know what pregnant means?” she asks.

“Sure,” replies the boy confidently. “It means ‘carrying a child.’ “

~~~

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

~~~

The story goes that four ministers had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd minister out, after the usual “3 to 1 majority rules” statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a *higher* authority.

“Oh, Lord!” he cried. “I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!” It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the minister finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. “A sign from God! See, I’m right, I knew it!” But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the minister prayed again: “Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, Lord, a bigger sign!” This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

“I told you I was right!” cried the minister, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The minister was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, “Oh God…,” the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, “HEEEEEEEE’S RIIIIIIIGHT!”

The minister put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, “Well?!”

“So,” shrugged one of the other ministers, “now it’s 3 to 2.”

~~~

“You’re off to great places, today is your day. Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way.”

Dr. Seuss

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

Another Reprint

Ray’s Daily

August 23, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

“There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over.”

David Nichols

I have an early appointment so here is a reprint of Ray’s Daily first published on August 23, 2002

The world, according to author, salesman, and speaker Don Hutson, consists of winners and whiners. “Have you noticed that you seldom hear highly successful people whining?” he asks. Instead, everyone silently cheers when whiners leave the room and take with them their own personal dark clouds that have been hovering over their heads.

Whiners make excuses; winners just get the job done. In weight- reduction classes, participants are often reminded that being thin feels better than, say, chocolate tastes.

That’s true for accomplishment, too. Having a good excuse for a poor performance doesn’t compare with the thrill of having produced excellent results.

Tony Alessandra

~~~

Ken sent us these answers from the original Hollywood Squares show.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A: Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago, when he was 41 years old. Now he says it was “one of the best things I ever did.” What was it?

A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

~~~

The Earth is full – go home.

~~~

Two older women, Judy and Monica, who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

“My dear,” said Monica, “Are those real pearls?”

“They are,” replied Judy.

“Of course, the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them,” smiled Monica.

Judy responded, “Yes, but for that you would need real teeth.”

~~~

REHAB is for quitters

~~~

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y’allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are xamples excerpts from the Y’allbonics/English dictionary:

RETARD – (verb) – To stop working.

Usage “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.

Usage “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”

RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege.

Usage “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

~~~

“I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes aren’t coming true.”

Eric Presbrey

~~~

There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand– it being hot and him being thirsty– he decided to stop. once he got up to the little boy’s stand, he noticed a sign that said “All you can drink 10 cents”, well, he thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to get some anyway. Well, he gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig. so he slapped it back onto the table and says, “fill ‘er up.” and the kid says, “sure thing, that’ll be 10 cents.” To this the business man says, “but your sign says all you can drink for a dime.” “It is,” the little boy replies, “that’s all you can drink for a dime.

~~~

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

Colin Greene

~~~

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

4. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

5. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

~~~

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

~~~

“It’s no good, sir,” said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. “I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.”

“Goes in both ears and out the other?” asked the puzzled teacher. “But you only have two ears, boy.”

“You see, sir? I’m no good at math, either!”

~~~

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Guitry

~~~

It’s October, and an Indian chief thinks it’s going to be a cold winter. So he instructs his tribe to collect firewood. To double-check his prediction, the chief calls the National Weather Service and asks a meteorologist if the winter is going to be a cold one.

The man responds, “According to our indicators, we think it might.”

So the chief tells his people to find extra wood, just in case. A week later he calls the National Weather Service again, and they confirm that a harsh winter is headed their way.

The chief orders all of his people to scavenge every scrap of wood they can. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks, “Are you absolutely sure this winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replies. “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”

~~~

“A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it.”

Edward P. Morgan

~~~

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.  As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts.  The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints – this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, “Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating.  After all, who wants to live to 100?”

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, “Anyone who’s 99.”

~~~

“The thing you have to be prepared for is that other people don’t always dream your dream.”

Linda Ronstadt

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

Better Days Ahead

Ray’s Daily

August 22, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

“Optimism isn’t a belief that things will automatically get better; it’s a conviction that we can make things better.”

Melinda Gates

I hope you had a good weekend. I spent most of mine resting. Lately I have had little energy due to what seems to be severe iron deficiency. I will soon be seeing a hematologist where I will probably get some infusions to restore my hemoglobin. I look forward to getting back to doing the things I need to do.

While I rest I want to share some things we should do for ourselves.

Promise yourself . . .

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

Written by Christian D. Larson in 1912

~~~

“The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.”

Winston Churchill

~~~

The shoe dealer was hiring a clerk.  “Suppose,” he said, “a lady customer were to remark while you were trying to fit her, ‘Don’t you think one of my feet is bigger than the other?’ What would you say?”

“I would say, ‘On the contrary, Ma’am, one is smaller than the other.’ “

“The job is yours.”

~~~

Everybody repeat after me: “We are all individuals!”

~~~

Morty and Sarah had just returned home from a party. Sarah said, “Do you realize what you did tonight, Morty?”

“No I don’t,” Morty replied, “But I’ll admit I was wrong. What did I do?”

~~~

Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

~~~

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. “My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.

“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways,” said the nun.

“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.

“Well, there is one thing,” she said.

“Just name it,” said God.

“It’s those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.”

“Consider it done,” said God. “Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”

“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.

“Name it. Please,” said God.

“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun. “They’re so hard to peel.”

~~~

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Erma Bombeck

~~~

The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking.”

~~~

“The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something. Don’t wait for good things to happen to you. If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope, you will fill yourself with hope.”

Barack Obama

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

Another Reprint

Ray’s Daily

August 19, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

“You cannot hold a torch to light another’s path without brightening your own.”

Reprint: Ray’s Daily published on August 19, 2002

Have you noticed how so many of us respond in kind to people we don’t like? If they get angry, so do we. If they get surly, so do we. If they argue, we argue back. Don’t you think that when we do these things we are behaving and becoming exactly like the person we dislike. I honestly believe that our lives are much happier when we make kindness a habit. You always feel better when you act and speak kindly then if you are unkind in your thoughts and actions. I have found that when we react to those bitter, angry, and disgruntled people we meet in a kind way, they don’t know what to do, and they will often respond in kind.

~~~

One of the world’s greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor.  One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket.  The conductor said, “Take it easy.  You’ll find it.”

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn’t find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, “I’m sure you bought a ticket.  Forget about it.”

“You’re very kind,” the professor said, “but I must find it, otherwise I won’t know where to get off.”

~~~

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

~~~

“An old timer is a man who’s had a lot of interesting experiences — some of them true.”

~~~

When a physician remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, “High blood pressure, Doc.  It comes from my family.”

“Your mother’s side or your father’s?” the doctor asked.

“Neither,” he replied.  “It’s from my wife’s family.”

“Oh, come now,” the doctor said.  “How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?”

He sighed.  “You oughta meet ’em sometime, Doc!”

~~~

Love is holding hands in the street …

Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant …

Marriage is a Chinese take-out

Love is cuddling on a sofa …

Marriage is deciding on a sofa

Love is talking about having children …

Marriage is talking about getting away from children

Love is going to bed early …

Marriage is going to sleep early

Love is losing your appetite …

Marriage is losing your figure

Love is sweet nothing in the ear …

Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank

Love is a flickering flame …

Marriage is a flickering television

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws …

Marriage is “Don’t you think you’ve had enough!”

~~~

“Any husband who says, ‘My wife and I are completely equal partners,’  is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.”

Bill Cosby

~~~

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody- or-other had printed it.

“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.

“Yes, that was it!”

“You idiot! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!”

“Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther.”

~~~

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”

~~~

“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.”

Milton Berle

~~~

A salesman from another country was making a pitch to the furniture buyer of a Glasgow department store. “And if you carry our new line of dining suites, I’ll have the pleasure of presenting you personally with a case of fine wine,” the sales-man said.

“Oh, we’re not allowed to accept gifts,” said the buyer, “that would be a form of bribery.”

“I’ll tell you what,” said the salesman, “just to keep it all above board, I’ll sell you the wine.”

“How much for?”

“Say, a pound a case.”

“Oh, well,” said the buyer, writing out the purchase order, “at that price, I’ll take two cases.”

~~~

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”

W. C. Fields

~~~

A guy walked into his friend’s office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

“Hey, what’s up with you?” he asks.

“Oh, its my wife,” replied the man sadly. “She’s hired a new secretary for me.”

“Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?”

“Neither, He’s bald.”

~~~

A computer expert is someone who can tell you logically why he doesn’t know what to do about your problem.

~~~

An airline customer-service agent got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.

He told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. He further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.

“I’ll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!” she said, and hung up.

~~~

“Truth often suffers more by the heat of its defenders than from the arguments of its opposers.”

William Penn

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

Give yourself a break

Ray’s Daily

August 18, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

Ted Rubin

If you are like most of us some days are more difficult than most days. How we handle the challenges we face can make a world of difference in our sense of well being. I hope you have learned how to roll with the punches, staying calm.

Here are some helpful positive steps we can take, sent by Angel Chernoff.

5 Little Things to Remember Before You Lose Your Mind

1. Give yourself a break today. Instead of dwelling on the people who have let you down, refocus your energy on appreciating those who lift you up. Remember, you can’t control the impolite things some people say and do to you, but you can decide not to be distracted by them today.

2. Sometimes your mind needs more time to accept what your heart already knows. Breathe. Be a witness, not a judge. Give yourself the space to listen to your own voice — your own soul. Too many people listen to the noise of the world and get lost in the crowd.

3. Be kind, but learn to say no. You can’t always be agreeable. That’s how people take advantage of you. Sometimes you have to set boundaries. Sometimes saying no is vital self-care.

4. When life feels like an emotional roller coaster, steady yourself with simple rituals. Make the bed. Water the plants. Rinse off your own bowl and spoon. Simplicity attracts calmness and wisdom.

5. Whatever you do, don’t get stuck on the one little thing that wrecks your mood today. Breathe and be grateful for what’s in front of you. Some of it is a blessing, and nothing lasts forever. Life is just too short to waste on daily negativity…

YES, YOU CAN THINK BETTER, which means you can tap into your inner strength and ultimately live better.

~~~

The opportunity to step away from everything and take a break is something that shouldn’t be squandered.

Harper Reed

~~~

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He only had one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn’t published in a referred journal.

5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.

6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

13. Some say He had His son teach the class.

14. He expelled His first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

~~~

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

~~~

The students in her third grade class were bombarding her with questions about her newly pierced ears.

“Does the hole go all the way through?”

“Yes.”

“Did it hurt?”

“Just a little.”

“Did they stick a needle through your ears?”

“No, they used a special gun.”

Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, “How far away did they stand?”

~~~

I look forward to being older, when what you look like becomes less and less an issue and what you are is the point.

Susan Sarandon

~~~

She said: When I arrived for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.

“For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I’ve even found her sitting in the wrong desk.”

“I don’t understand that,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?”

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, our appointment was for tomorrow.”

~~~

I panicked and hung up! What kind of sick company has an actual PERSON answer their phone?!

~~~

Mrs. Taylor, asked her 5th grade history class, “When was Rome built?” and called on Timothy to answer first.

“Rome was built at night.” was his answer.

“At night?” asked Mrs. Taylor, holding her ruler firmly in her hands.  “How ever did you get such an idea?”

“Well,” gulped the student, hoping his answer would satisfy her, “everyone knows Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

~~~

Jump into the middle of things, get your hands dirty, fall flat on your face, and then reach for the stars.

Joan L. Curcio

~~~

An influential Londoner wound up a business trip to the Orient with a visit to Taipei. At a luncheon, he was asked to say a few words. Since he spoke not a word of Chinese, his address was to be translated by an interpreter, sentence by sentence. “I want you to know,” he began, “I’m tickled to death to be asked here today.”

A look of panicked confusion appeared on the interpreter’s face. “This poor man,” he said in Chinese, “Scratches himself until he dies, only to be with you today.”

~~~

“Whatever you’re feeling, be good to yourself. If you feel lost, be patient with yourself while you find your way. If you feel scared, be gentle with yourself while you find the strength to face your fear. If you feel hurt, be kind to yourself while you grieve and slowly heal. You can’t bully yourself into clarity, courage, or peace, and you can’t rush self-discovery or transformation. Some things simply take time, so take the pressure off and give yourself space to grow.”

Lori Deschene

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

Things to do

Ray’s Daily

August 17, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

“Sometimes being an adult means doing the right thing, even if it’s not what you want.”

Laurie Halse Anderson

Some of us who have retired often find we have done everything that was on our things to do list and wonder what to do next. Fortunately as you know there is always plenty we can do, so the secret is to keep doing them. Here is a list of things we can select for our new to-do list.

On this Day

•    Search out a forgotten friend

•    Mend a quarrel

•    Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust

•    Share something you treasure with another

•    Call or contact someone you haven’t spoken to a while

•    Give a soft and caring answer to a question

•    Encourage youth

•    Manifest your loyalty in your words and deeds

•    Keep a promise to someone

•    Find the time for others

•    Forego a grudge

•    Forgive an enemy or someone who has wronged you

•    Listen more and speak less

•    Strive to understand what others say to you

•    Apologize if you know you were wrong

•    Reconsider the intensity of your demands on others

•    Think first of someone else

•    Appreciate, be kind and be gentle in all that you do

•    Smile and laugh at every opportunity

•    Have confidence in yourself and all that you do

•    Take up arms against malice

•    Decry apathy or complacency

•    Express your gratitude

•    Gladden the heart of a child

•    Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of all that surrounds you

Author Unknown

~~~

“Life is too short to try and please everyone. Take charge and do what’s right — not what’s popular.”

Farshad Asl

~~~

She said: I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn’t help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. “I’ll take care of it,” she said. Moments later the lights went out.

Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights. A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, “Whatever you do, please don’t ask about the engines.”

~~~

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

~~~

It was a large wedding party, and afterwards the photographer took a long time getting family groups together for pictures. The groom sat by me, waiting with barely concealed impatience. “Now I’d like to get the bride alone,” the photographer finally announced.

Leaning towards me, the groom whispered, “So would I!”

~~~

She said: Question authority, but not mine.

~~~

I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day, so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on.

He replied, “I left my job because of illness and fatigue.”

A few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what happened.

Turns out my neighbor’s boss got sick and tired of him.

~~~

When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks.  The wildest thing was—prepare to be shocked—we deliberately ingested carbohydrates!

Dave Barry

~~~

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.  He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.  I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, “I’m surprised at you.  Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”

Mom smiled and then replied…..”Oh……I remember!”

~~~

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing.”

Theodore Roosevelt

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

Happy Birthday Nancy

Ray’s Daily

August 16, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears.

John Lennon

Today is my wife’s birthday and a day with an early moring Doctor appointment so I will sendanother Daily reprinted from yester year.

Reprint of Ray’s Daily published on August 16, 2004

Some this and that:

  • Popular music icon Elvis Presley died in Memphis, Tennessee on this day in 1977. He was 42. My wife was born in Havana on this day in a year that will remain unknown.
  • It is also Klondike Gold Discovery Day, and no, my wife was not there at the time thank you.
  • Yesterday was Sunday, a day of rest for many of us, I often forget what day it is and I rest then too.
  • OK; I have not heard from some of you in countries outside the US for awhile. You know when I don’t hear I worry, so write today!
  • During the last few weeks I have been getting a number of requests from people who have asked to be added to our daily mailing list. Some have been people who have had the daily forwarded to them by a friend; other requests have come from one of you. As always I am glad to add your friends, that way you won’t have to resend every day.

~~~

I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means.

Joan Didion

~~~

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back seat?”

The man in the car says, “I found them.  I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven’t a clue.”

The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should take them to the zoo.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

“Hey, they’re still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!”

“Oh, I did,” says the driver, “and we had a swell time. Today I’m taking them to the beach.”

~~~

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s,

~~~

There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, “Whenever it breaks.”

~~~

The big thing today is computer dating. If you don’t know how to run a computer it really dates you.

~~~

It was the usual muddy day in the country. Our first grade teacher, Miss Brown, had just finished putting the 36th boot on the 18th pair of little feet and was anxious to finish the last pair so she could go to lunch.

The last pair of boots was for little Johnny Smith, a quiet boy. Miss Brown had a very difficult time getting his boots on as they were a bit too small for his growing feet, but she finally won the battle.

To her dismay, little Johnny looked blandly up into her face and announced, “Teacher, these boots aren’t mine.” In a hurry, but wanting to be kind, Miss Brown groaned, but with grim gentleness removed the boots and straightened her aching back.

Whereupon Johnny continued, “They’re my little brother’s, but Mommy said I could wear them to school today.”

~~~

“The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it ‘Jumping up and down.'”

Rita Rudner.

~~~

At one game, a lady kept up a steady flow of threats at the umpire. No matter what was happening on the field, she kept yelling, “Kill the umpire! Kill the umpire!” This went on for an hour. Another patron said, “Lady, the umpire hasn’t done anything wrong.”

The woman said, “He’s my husband and he came home last night with lipstick on his collar! Kill the umpire!!”

~~~

“When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.” Stanislaw J. Lec

~~~

There was a nice lady, a minister’s widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was planning a week’s vacation in California at a campground, but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn’t bring herself to write “toilet” in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on “bathroom commode,” but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as “BC.”

“Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own ‘BC’? If not, where is the ‘BC’ located?” is what she actually wrote.

The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady’s check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what “BC” meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.

The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn’t decipher it either. The staff member’s wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. “Of course,” the first staffer exclaimed, “‘BC’ stands for ‘Baptist Church.’ ” And he sat down and wrote:

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the ‘BC.’

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.”

~~~

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, “You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.”

“Well,” said the other woman,” that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!”

~~~

In Mesa, AZ, police arrested a 71 year-old woman for running an amphetamine lab from a retirement home. The staff became suspicious when several of the residents were seen staying up after 7:30 pm.

~~~

“Every heart that has beat strong and cheerfully has left a hopeful impulse behind in the world, and bettered the tradition of mankind.”

Robert Louis Stevenson

 ~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

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