Ray's musings and humor

Archive for August, 2007

He was a great street sweeper!

The truest greatness lies in being kind, the truest wisdom in a happy mind.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

 

I like what Wilcox wrote but I don’t think the greatness she speaks of must come from the appreciation of others. Too often the medals in this world go to those who seek them and yet most of the great things are done by people like you and me. It is the aggregate of the good works of many that makes a society thrive.

 

If you are like I am you hear people all around you blame someone else for a world not to their liking. They feel that it is up to someone else to make it better. Too many feel that if we got rid of the young people, or those who believe differently then us, or those who don’t look like us, or have some other characteristic different then our own, that we would be better off. If we thought they were right the solution would mean putting only people like themselves in control. Of course if we follow their logic to its conclusion the only real answer would lie in ethnic purification, expulsion, genocide and all the evils that over the centuries have first flourished and then in the end destroyed societies.

 

Sadly I sometimes feel that too many people today are so busy searching for recognition or retribution that they don’t have time for kindness nor happiness. In truth we each are the judges of our own greatness. Appreciation for what we do lies within ourselves. The happiest people I know always choose kindness over hatred.

 

I also think Wilcox is right when she says the truest wisdom exists in a happy mind. Wisdom does not require us to have great knowledge; it only requires us to make choices that do not distract from our natural happiness. Any day that we can look back upon with satisfaction because we did our best and did it without expense to others is a day where there is a foundation for happiness. We don’t require things we don’t have in order to achieve happiness. Happiness only requires us to like who we are and what we do.

 

I am especially fortunate because so many of you do so much for others that it adds to my own happiness. And to tell you the truth I would much rather stick around with you guys than invite the hate and fear mongers to sit at my table.

~~~

When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.

The Dalai Lama

~~~

Future Novelists… These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays

  • Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.  
  • His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.   
  • The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.  
  • The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.  
  • From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.  
  • John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.  
  • He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.  
  • "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.  
  • The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.  
  • He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.  
  • She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.  
  • It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.  

~~~

"I have an inferiority complex, it’s just not a very good one."

~~~

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.  

Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."  

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.  

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"  

~~~

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time.

It is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.

Sydney J. Harris

~~~

An 80-year-old- couple are having problems remembering things, so they decide to see their doctor to find out if anything is wrong with them. They see the doctor and tell him about the memory problems they’ve been having. After a check-up, the doctor tells them that they are physically fine but might want to start writing things down to help them remember things. They thank the doctor and leave.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" asks his wife. "To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks. "Sure," he says. She says, "Maybe you should write it down so you’ll remember." "I’ll remember," he says "Well, I would also like some strawberries on top," she says. "You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget."

"I can remember that," he says, as he begins to loose his patience. "You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I would also like whip cream on top," she adds, "I know you will forget that so you better write it down." Hopping mad he says, "I don’t need to write that down! I will remember just fine." He fumes into the kitchen to get the food.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

~~~

Earlier today I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

~~~

"I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.  

Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while.  

I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don’t know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had."  

~~~

If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause and say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

News

“Never awake me when you have good news to announce, because with good news nothing presses; but when you have bad news, arouse me immediately, for then there is not an instant to be lost.”

Napoleon Bonaparte

 

 

Have you noticed how some days are really good, some pretty bad, some so-so and then those that are really good for a moment or two before they swing to the really bad. In my case those days, with their mental gyrations really exercise my mind and test my coping skills. When that happens I should be grateful that describes my total exercise regimen.

So far my day has included plenty of highs and lows. It started out with my making myself a good breakfast, I did wonder why what I took out of the freezer was not so solidly frozen. Of course like all highly skilled husbands I closed the door tightly and kicked the front of the appliance a bit, proud that I had fixed the problem. The bad news was that I could not overlook the water that started to drip on the floor as the ice in the icemaker melted.

The good news was that I discovered I had purchased an extended service contract; I never do that, so in this case my psychic powers must have kicked in at the point of sale. So I spent about 10 minutes utilizing my “press one if…..” skills before I got to a real person. The bad news was after I provided 3 or 4 dozen contract numbers, service numbers, model numbers, serial numbers, house numbers and phone numbers she scheduled a rush service call and happily reported that a service guy would be out late in the afternoon Thursday, I asked what I was going to do with all of the food in the freezer, fortunately she did not tell me.

The good news was I was able to load the most costly stuff into an outside freezer. The bad news was that after I called management to appeal my case so I could get a expedited service call, they called seven local alternative service company’s none who were interested in providing service.

The good news was that they told me to go ahead and get the service myself and they would pay the costs. The bad news was that after I tried everyone locally I called the manufacturer who happily reported that they had someone that would be out next Friday.

So my friends I now have some soft food, some aging dairy products, warm condiments and that’s not good, so out they go.  But all is not lost, we were able to scratch “clean out the refrigerator and freezer” off of last years things-to-do list.

~~~

“Anything that begins "I don’t know how to tell you this" is never good news”

Ruth Gordon

~~~

As the storm began to rage, the absent minded blonde professor started outside when his wife stopped him, asking, "Hey, where do you think you’re going, George?"

"I’m going out to water the flowers," replies the professor.

"But… dear, it’s raining outside!" replies his wife.

"You’re right," says the professor, closing the door and now walking to the closet….."I’d better take my umbrella."

~~~

A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

~~~

A psychiatrist was administering a Rorschach inkblot test to his patient. The doctor showed the first blot and asked what it resembled.

"That’s two poodles having sex," replied the patient.

To the second inkblot, the patient said, "That’s a naked gal leaning out a window, telling all the men who go by to come in and have sex with her."

The doctor showed him the third inkblot. "That’s a pair of panties," the patient said.

Unable to withstand this any longer, the doctor blurted out, "You have a filthy, disgusting mind!"

"Look who’s talking!" the patient cried. "You’re the one with all the dirty pictures."

~~~

None will improve your lot, if you yourself do not.

Bertolt Brecht

~~~

They love you…but they are not your lover.

They care for you, but they are not from your family…

They are ready to share your pain, but they are not in your blood relation.

They are……..FRIENDS!!!!!

True friend scolds like a DAD…

Cares like a MOM….

Teases like a SISTER….

Irritates like a BROTHER…and finally loves U more than a LOVER….!

~~~

Women like silent men; they think they’re listening.

~~~

Rabbi Sam Wolfson was giving his speech to the Jewish federation about the " Tragedy of Jewish Inter-Marriage " with non-Jews. Toward the end of his long speech the Rabbi clapped his hands…waited 10 seconds…and clapped his hands again. The Rabbi then explained that every time he clapped his hands some Jew married a non-Jew.

Immediately Morris jumped up from his seat in the audience and shouted, "So Stop With Your Clapping!"

~~~

Make new friends and keep the old; one is silver, the other gold.

~~~

A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking unto himself a bride.  

"Whatsa dees?" screamed Mother. "Who’s a gonna love you like a Momma? Who’s a gonna starch-a you socks? Who’s a gonna make-a you lasagna?"  

"Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Why are you talking like that? We aren’t even Italian."  

~~~

"Do You Want to Talk to the Man in Charge, or to the Woman Who Knows What’s Going On?"

~~~

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’ "

Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.

"What’s the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don’t you begin?"

"I’m waiting for my secretary," he replied.

~~~

"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they share a common enemy."

Sam Levenson

~~~

A Catholic boy was bragging to his Jewish friend. "My priest knows more than your rabbi."

"Of course he does," said the Jewish boy. "You tell him everything."

~~~

A friend of mine was visiting a college which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet.  If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer investigate immediately.

On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running."

~~~

Success has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself.

It’s what you do for others.

Danny Thomas

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

And the beat goes on.

If I’d known I was going to live so long,

I’d have taken better care of myself.

Leon Eldred

 

 

This is a big week for me, I get to spend time with my cardiologist on Wednesday and then with the heart surgeon on Thursday. The expectation is that we will schedule surgery that has a high probability of getting my heart rate to stabilize. After the last month of limited energy I have high hopes of returning to vigor soon. Even as tired as I have been I continue to feel good about my health as so many others face much graver problems. But trust me, I know the difference between feeling good and just feeling OK. I wouldn’t of course if I hadn’t had so many years filled with good days. As I thought about it I dipped into my archive and found what Ralph Marston had to say on the subject.

 

The sunshine feels so very much warmer after weeks of rainy days. Your loved ones seem so much more precious whenever they’ve been away.

You truly appreciate and value your good health after recovering from a difficult and prolonged illness. You learn new respect for financial discipline after working your way out of a burdensome debt.

It’s easy and natural to appreciate the good things after you’ve experienced life without them. Yet sadly, that can often be too late.

How very much better it is to appreciate the good things you have while you still have them. For then, not only can you appreciate them, you can put them to positive and productive use.

So begin each day by counting your many blessings. Pay particular attention to the ones so overwhelmingly a part of you that you might otherwise take them for granted.

True abundance and gratitude are solidly linked. The more you appreciate the good things, the more numerous they will be.

 

I always appreciate the wisdom he shares with us all. While I don’t expect any daily glitches this week I may have to turn its composition over to my computer once or twice. You stay well, soon I will, too.

~~~

“Happiness? That’s nothing more than a good health and a poor memory.”

Albert Schweitzer

~~~

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors’ house each month. Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren’t going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive."

He said, "Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."

She said, "No, I don’t want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."

He then said, "I don’t think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol’ Spot’s (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol’ Spot didn’t slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class. After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit. About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie’s ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."

With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "It’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone’s stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn’t long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’ Spot never even stopped."

~~~

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?

~~~

A man stubbed his toe so badly he decided to go to the doctor. When he arrived at the office, the nurse directed him to remove his clothes and wait in the next room.

"I just hurt my toe," complained the man. "Why do I need to take off my clothes?"

"Everyone who sees the doctor has to undress," explained the nurse politely. "It’s our policy."

"Well, I think it’s a stupid policy! Making me undress just to look at my toe! Geeez!"

From the next room another man’s voice piped up. . .

"That’s nothing! I just came here to fix the telephone!"

~~~

"If you can’t find the time to do it right the first time, when will you find the time to do it over?"

~~~

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.  

"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."  

"Let’s see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.  

The salesperson put the device around Morris’ neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.  

"How does it work?" , asked Morris.  

"For $2.00 it doesn’t work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder."  

~~~

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

~~~

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o’clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him," asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."

~~~

It may be possible to incorporate laugher into daily activities, just as is done with other heart-healthy activities, such as taking the stairs instead of the elevator. The recommendation for a healthy heart may one day be exercise, eat right and laugh a few times a day.

Michael Miller, MD

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Smile!!!

“There are two types of people – those who come into a room and say, "Well, here I am!" and those who come in and say, "Ah, there you are."”

Frederick L. Collins

 

 

I worked three days this week cooking at a major horseshow. My Kiwanis club does it each year and uses the money we earn to help brighten the lives of children in need. Our clientele is almost exclusively riders, owners, stable hands, and people who travel to major competitions around the United States and beyond. The riders vary in age from young children to senior adults and they as well as the stable hands and stable owners come from various parts of the world. Our club has served many of these people in previous years and they go out of there way to let us serve them whenever they are here.

 

Many of our customers seem like old friends. Why? It is more than the food we make, although the food is very good, I think it is in some part because of my fellow members who enjoy serving others. Their humor and good will spills over and our customers respond in kind.

 

In my experience the good will shown to others pays real dividends in the smiles and warmth they return. Here is something that I saved that shows us how we can brighten the lives of others while brightening our own world everyday.

 

We sometimes walk by our peers, co-workers or even complete strangers multiple times throughout our week without even thinking twice about saying thank you or holding a door open. Some of us are polite all the time, but occasionally we need a reminder which is why we have compiled a list of small actions we can do on a regular basis. They are appreciated more than we realize and also help us to become kinder people, so why not try to do them all the time!

– When you say hello to someone, add a smile.

– When someone gives you a compliment, respond by saying “Thank you”. Don’t ignore them, or minimize the compliment.

– When you ask for something, say “please.” When you receive it, say “thank you.”

– If you are going through a door, and someone else is following closely behind you, hold the door for them. Step to the side to let the other person go first, or hold the door after you pass through the doorway. If someone holds the door for you, say “Thank you.”

– If you see trash on the floor, pick it up. This is a job for all of us! And since walking is good exercise, walk to the waste basket to throw things away. Life is not all about making long distance basketball shots!

– If someone drops something, pick it up and hand it back to them. Help each other out!!

– Tame your tongue: let your yes be yes, and your no be no. If you don’t have something nice or encouraging to say, then consider saying nothing!

– If you make a mistake, admit it and apologize. Saying, and meaning, “I’m sorry” helps to cover a multitude of sins.

– When you make a commitment, honor it. Make your commitments wisely.

~~~

“Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.”

Mother Teresa

~~~

When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked. Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I’ll take them." Relieved, I started to to ring her up, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one’s been opened."

~~~

Love is the doorway through which the human soul passes from selfishness to service and from solitude to kinship with all mankind.

Author unknown

~~~

Bob meets Doug at the bar after his day at divorce court.

"Did the judge split everything fairly when he granted your wife a divorce?" asked Doug.

Bob replies, "Sort of. She got to keep the house, the car, the boat, the furniture and MY dog. I got to keep everything I was wearing."

~~~

The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to act idiotic.

~~~

Now These Really Do Ring True!!

  • Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
  • Law of the Workshop – Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
  • Law of the Telephone – When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy Signal.
  • Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you Had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat Tire.
  • Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were In will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
  • Bath Theorem – When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
  • Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases When you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
  • Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
  • Law of Bio-mechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
  • Theatre Rule – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last
  • Law of Coffee – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
  • Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
  • Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing Face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

~~~

If you can’t read this, you’re illiterate.

~~~

She said: My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald’s one day and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez". I didn’t have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke" He didn’t complain he just accepted my answer.

A few days later we were driving past a McDonald’s once again. He was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands all day. So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french fries?" And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are you fixed?"

~~~

Don’t hurry, don’t worry. You’re only here for a short visit, so be sure to stop and smell the flowers.

Walter Hagen

~~~

At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties.  

"Oh, I have a 3.9, so I’m much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What’s your G.P.A.?"  

Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway.  

~~~

Kindly words, sympathizing attentions, watchfulness against wounding men’s sensitiveness, these cost very little, but they are priceless in their value.

F.W. Robertson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

Nancy is…………

"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury;

And refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable;

And wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly;

To listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart;

To bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never;

In a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common.

This is to be my symphony."

William Ellery Channing

 

 

Today is my wife’s 40-something birthday, I don’t quite understand it since I am pretty sure we have been married almost 55 years. If you are married you know there are certain things you just have to accept.

 

I would like to dedicate the above quote to her and our marriage of many years. Especially the part that deals with small means, lack of luxury and so on. I want you to know I have taken the guidance provided by Channing to heart by offering her both elegance and refinement; I hope she will be pleased that I have again avoided the temptation to buy her something of value.

Actually we are at the point in our lives where there is not much we really need that we don’t have. We made a pact sometime ago that our cruises and our vacations will be our primary gift to each other. Of course I did buy her something so that she knows I have not forgotten, even though she may want to forget.

Someone asked me not long ago the secret of a long and mostly happy marriage. I responded with a few words; compatibility, mutual concern, trust, and understanding. I am not sure we ever were able to run through the daisies in slow motion, but we sure did learn to live with each other without regret, and that’s not bad.

~~~

Chains do not hold a marriage together.

It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.

Simone Signoret

~~~

A young boy came to Sunday School late.  His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.

To which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.

~~~

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

~~~

FATAL THINGS TO SAY IF YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT

"I finished the Oreos."

"Not to imply anything, but I  don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds."

"Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

"I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay like that!"

"Well, couldn’t they induce labour? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Get your own ice cream."

~~~

A chrysanthemum by any other name would be much easier to spell

~~~

Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance. She went to visit her Mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed.

A few days later a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen."

~~~

True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway.

Edna Buchanan

~~~

Early in their marriage, the old perfesser did something really stupid. Doesn’t matter what it was, for the sake of this story, just trust me… it was stupid.

MrsPerfesser chewed him out for it. Knowing it was really dumb, he sensibly apologized, and they made up.

However, from time to time, MrsPerfesser reminds him what a dolt he had been on that occasion.

"Honey," the old perfesser finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was ‘forgive and forget’?"

"It is," said MrsPerfesser. "I just don’t want you to forget that I’ve forgiven and forgotten."

~~~

You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.

John Greier

~~~

Miss Figpot was quizzing her third-grade students on their spelling words.  She asked Little Johnny to spell "straight."  Johnny did so without error.

"Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?"

Johnny replied, "Without water."

~~~

I really do believe I can accomplish a great deal with a big grin,

I know some people find that disconcerting, but that doesn’t matter.

Beverly Sills

~~~

Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don’t you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "Means carrying a child."

~~~

Life is not measured by how many breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

~~~

The diplomat was cornered at an official function by a more-or-less attractive woman who challenged him to guess her age.

Without missing a beat, he answered gallantly, "Madam, your question presents a rare challenge for me; I cannot decide whether to say how young you must be because of your fresh beauty, or how old you must be because of your obvious wisdom."

~~~

I solved the parking problem. I bought a parked car.

~~~

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat.  But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

"That’s right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice."

"Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.

"Of course she’s my wife!  Do you think my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

~~~

When asked what she wanted for her birthday, little Sarah said, "One of everything, please!"

~~~

You may have heard the old joke about Shirley, the Jewish mother in NYC, who brought her 6 year old boy to the psychoanalyst, who diagnosed: "Nothing much wrong with your son, just a slight Oedipus complex.

Said Shirley the mom… "Oedipus, schmedipus, the important thing is that he loves his mother"

~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering,

And take without forgetting.

Elizabeth Bibesco

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

How to put more stress into your life

 

Stress is an ignorant state.

It believes that everything is an emergency.

Nothing is that important.

Natalie Goldberg

 

 

 

I hope you can hear me. Ray is taking a long nap so I have to keep my voice low. He worked at a charity fundraiser this morning and got home beat. I did not want to wake him up or wait to put out the daily so I looked in his files and pulled out some old stuff for today. Thanks for your understanding.

Rays Computer

~~~

August 15, 2003

In this day and age we are all expected to stay stressed. Those of us who stay calm and are committed to a more relaxed life are often viewed with suspicion. Obviously we don’t have ambition, nor do we understand just how bad everything is. So if you are being discriminated against because you lack acceptable levels of stress follow these tips. You’ll have no trouble if you practice these clinically proven methods:

  • Never Exercise – Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.
  • Eat Anything You Want – Hey, if cigarette smoke can’t cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn’t likely to.
  • Gain Weight – Work hard at staying at least 25% over your recommended weight.
  • Take Plenty of Stimulants – The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
  • Avoid Relaxation Practices – Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The ‘perpetual work’ ethic is good for staying stressed.
  • Get Rid of Your Social Support System – Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
  • Personalize All Criticism – Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don’t take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!
  • Males and Females Alike – Be Macho. Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
  • Become a Workaholic – Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
  • Discard Good Time Management Skills – Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
  • Procrastinate – Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.
  • Worry about Things You Can’t Control – Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.
  • Become Not Only a Perfectionist But Set Impossibly High Standards – and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don’t meet them.
  • Throw Out Your Sense of Humor – Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn’t be treated as one.

~~~

The superior man is satisfied and composed; the mean man is always full of distress.

Confucius

~~~

Cowboy: "Well, I suppose you’ve been alright.  You’ve been a decent horse, I guess.  A bit slow sometimes, but a decent horse, and…"

Horse: "No, you stupid idiot I didn’t ask you for FEEDBACK!  I said that I wanted my FEEDBAG!"

~~~

She didn’t know it couldn’t be done so she went ahead and did it.

Mary’s Almanac

~~~

Do you remember when you said to the kids?

Don’t ask me, ask your mother.

Were you raised in a barn?

Get your elbows off the table!

If you forget, you’ll be grounded till the end of the world.

You call that a haircut??

"Hey" is for horses.

This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.

Turn off those lights. Do you think I am made of money?

Don’t give me any of your lip, young lady!

You call that noise "music?"

We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where we are.

No, we’re not there yet.

As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.

I’ll tell you why. Because I said so. That’s why!

So you think you’re smart, do you?

What’s so funny? Wipe that smile off your face.

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.

You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.

This is your last warning!

I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!

What do you think I am a bank?

What part of NO don’t you understand?

I don’t care what other people are doing! I’m not everybody else’s Father!

Hey, did you hear me talking to you?

Don’t use that tone with me!

Am I talking to a brick wall?

If I catch you doing that one more time, I’ll..

Act your age.

Don’t make me stop the car!

What did I just get finished telling you?

~~~

If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.

Katherine Hepburn

~~~

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don’t know. I’ll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door."

~~~

You have to be careful about being too careful.

Beryl Pfizer

~~~

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.  The whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That’s not true, Mary. Lots of people don’t even know you."

~~~

"There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who don’t."

~~~

This woman’s husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?"

Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."

~~~

Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.

Charles Dickens

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

Albert shares his wisdom

“Three keys to more abundant living:

Caring about others, daring for others, sharing with others.”

William Arthur Ward

 

 

An actress friend who I hold in high regard wrote me and said, “You have the heart of a writer…and a poet.” She sent the note in response to yesterday’s daily. I appreciate what she said but a more accurate statement might have been "He is someone with a heart who tries to write." I would hope at the end of my days they would say, “He cared.”

 

Someone else sent me what Albert Einstein had to say about our reading habits. He wrote:

“Somebody who reads only newspapers and at best the books of contemporary authors looks to me like an extremely nearsighted person who scorns eyeglasses. He is completely dependent on the prejudices and fashions of his times, since he never gets to see or hear anything else. And what a person thinks on his own without being stimulated by the thoughts and experiences of other people is even in the best case rather paltry and monotonous.

There are only a few enlightened people with a lucid mind and style and with good taste with a century. What has been preserved of their work belongs among the most precious possessions of mankind. Nothing is more needed than to overcome the modernist’s snobbishness.”

 

The quote really hit home with me as I think that contemporary society often suffers from a false sense of superiority fed by those who think only as they do. I don’t think that reading the classics is an indication of any intellectual prowess; rather I think that lingering with the skilled writers of old allows us to walk slowly through fields of ideas. I don’t feel that completing the reading of anything is an accomplishment in itself, nor do I think being able to recall all that was written is all that important, with my memory that would be impossible. For me the experience is a success if it generates one thought, opens one door, or starts me examining something I would overlook otherwise. Some of my greatest satisfaction comes from contemplation that has been triggered by something I read as I often find things that I did not know about myself. Those of you who are regular readers of the daily then often hear the results of these “Eureka” moments. I don’t share my innermost secrets with others, just you, and like I have often said “I may not be all that great but this is as good as I get.”

~~~

“Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness”

Harold Kushner

~~~

Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers":

  • "What’s shaking, Norm?" "All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
  • "What’s new, Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach & they’re demanding beer."
  • "What’d you like, Normie?" "A reason to live. Give me another beer."
  • "What’ll you have, Normie?" "Well, I’m in a gambling mood Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap." "Looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky."
  • "Hey Norm, how’s the world been treating you?" "Like a baby treats a diaper."
  • "What’s the story, Mr. Peterson?" "The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending."
  • "Hey Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you." "I know, if she calls, I’m not here."
  • "What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, ‘Insert beer here.’"
  • "Whatcha up to, Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
  • "How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I’m sorry to hear that." "No, I mean pour."
  • "How’s life treating you, Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
  • "What’s going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
  • "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Alright, but stop me at one….make that one-thirty."
  • "How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?" "It’s a dog eat dog world, Woody & I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear."
  • "What’s the story, Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
  • "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "A little early, isn’t it, Woody?" "For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions."

~~~

"Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense.

~~~

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?  

His mother had an idea: "Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?"  

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.  

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."  

"What’s wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it’s a wonderful gesture."  

"We hadn’t started eating yet."  

~~~

"Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them."

Jimmy DeMaret

~~~

Lil’ Johnny’s mother asked him what he would like for his birthday. "I’d like a little brother," he replied.

"Oh my, that’s such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?"

"Well," responded Lil’ Johnny, "there’s only so much I can blame on the dog."

~~~

I used to eat a lot of natural foods, until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

~~~

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. "You can’t get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!"

~~~

If I begin to procrastinate today instead of tomorrow, would that be considered self-improvement?

~~~

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife’s roommate commented, "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

~~~

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."

Robert Redford

~~~

Sue:  Mary, what exactly is an "oxymoron"?

Mary:  It’s a phrase made up of contradictory terms, like "deafening silence."

Sue:  Oh, I get it.  Like "Mr. Perfect"!

~~~

“I pray for a more friendly, more caring, and more understanding human family on this planet. To all who dislike suffering, who cherish lasting happiness, this is my heartfelt appeal.”

Dalai Lama

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

 

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