Ray's musings and humor

“You may delay, but time will not.”

Benjamin Franklin

 

I am busy and somewhat distracted today and must leave for a meeting. I do feel the need to get my taxes done as well and hopefully today I will learn about my next medical adventure. So rather than try to come up with a new Daily I found this one from seven years ago that shows that in some ways I have not changed much.

 

Ray’s Daily first published on March 29, 2005

I probably have told you that lately I find I have escalated my procrastination skills to record setting levels. The sad part is that I know better, I am always uncomfortable with having things linger on my to-do lists as they approach required deadlines, and I almost always find that once I get started the tasks are easy and often turn out better than I expected.

My most recent example has been the preparation of my Federal and State taxes. I have been putting off doing them week after week as my wife increased the frequency of her do-the-taxes reminders. Well the news is that I got them all done this weekend. As always with the software I use the whole thing was relatively painless and went fairly quickly, and as usual I regretted waiting so long. But that is not the big news; the big news is that when I was done it turns out that I will get all of my 2004 estimated federal tax payments back. This means that I either have made a major mistake or I have stumbled on an easy way to reduce federal income tax liabilities.

After checking or rechecking it appears that we made no mistakes, of course the friendly IRS will let me know if I am wrong. Since I hold each of you in such high regard I thought I should share the secret with you. The first thing is to make sure you have no supplemental income from consulting contracts or any other payment for your work, this way there are no bothersome W2’s or income 1099’s which also result in zero self-employment taxes. The second secret is to keep cash in Money Market accounts and certificates of deposit that pay less than two percent interest. The third secret is to invest in equities that pay little or no dividends. So if you really want to reduce your taxes, quit your job, put whatever cash you have into low or no interest bearing accounts, and buy securities in companies with low profits.

Now I don’t want you to think that by following this plan that you will no longer work. I find I am given all kinds of opportunities to work for free and sometimes even for food. Despite all of this if the FED’s do send my money back, my wife and I will probably take a trip to New England in the fall.

~~~

Nothing hurts more than having to pay an income tax, unless it is not having to pay an income tax.

~ Thomas Robert Dewar ~

~~~

“Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food-preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.”

~~~

The most efficient labor-saving device is still money.

~~~

One of my nurse buddies told me that:

* The patient furthest away from the nurses’ station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses’ station.

* You always remember “just one more thing” you need after you’ve gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.

* The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.

* When you cancel extra staff because it’s so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.

* If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on. Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.

* There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.

* When management smiles at you, be afraid, very afraid …

* Staffing will gladly send you three aides–but you have to float two of your RNs.

* As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.

* Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you’ve had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.

* You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room.  You always remember when you get back to the other end …

* Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn’t doing well.

* Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.

* The more sophisticated the equipment, the longer it takes to get repaired.

* Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

* As soon as you’ve ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!

~~~

An accountant couldn’t get to sleep, so he tried counting sheep. Then he made a mistake, and it took him all night to find it.

~~~

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir,

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane. Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn.

I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat.

Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that, too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?

~~~

It’s so simple to be wise.  Just think of something stupid and then don’t say it.

Sam Levenson

~~~

A tourist from the city was visiting a quaint country village, and got talking to an old man in the local pub.  “And have you lived here all your life, sir?” asked the tourist.

And the old man, with a wise look, said, “Not yet.”

~~~

There’s nothing so rewarding as to make people realize they are worthwhile in this world.

Bob Anderson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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