Ray's musings and humor

Late Shopping

Ray’s Daily

December 22, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” 

Thich Nhat Hanh

Ray’s Daily first published on December 22, 2003

Well here we are, the first day of the Christmas shopping season for all us procrastinators. I think I may implement an alternative plan next year. As many of you know it has been my proposed practice on New Year’s Eve to set the clock ahead a few hours so that I could celebrate New Year’s eve while I am still awake. The upside is that we would avoid all those on the highways that drink too much, the downside is that some restaurants might frown on our use of noise makers and kissing other customers at 8 PM. In the same vein I was thinking if I moved the calendar ahead a week next year, I would be able to avoid the Christmas rush since I would be shopping after everyone celebrated Christmas, prices would be better too. Then when we celebrated New Year’s Eve on January 6th, people would not think we were celebrating early on News Years day, just obviously that we were out of our minds. Who knows the restaurant might even provide free food if we would just leave.

Of course I am married to a traditionalist who buys none of this, and since it is she who must be obeyed I, like you, will be trying to stay awake late on New Year’s Eve and join all of you who do so, celebrate a traditional Christmas.

~~~

Over the last month or so we have had a number of new people join our list, which is always good. What is even better is how some of you do more than just read the daily. A Priest reported that he had found something he would use in one of his homilies, another resends it to a wider distribution list, another friend reported that he had integrated a few of our items into his weekly class for kids, it goes on and on. I am always surprised but also pleased when a friend of a friend asks to be added or when one of you sends in the names of friends or relatives to go on the list. In a few cases some of these have become pen pals. But no matter why you are here I am glad to be with you each day.

~~~

She told me why SANTA CLAUS must be a WOMAN!

Men don’t know how to pack a bag.

Most men wouldn’t be caught dead wearing red velvet.

Men don’t even think about selecting gifts until after lunch on Christmas Eve.

Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.

If Santa were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and Chia Pets, still in the bag from the mall.

If Santa were a man he would have no reindeer, because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped across the front of the sleigh. And Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. And if he did find some way to power the sleigh, he’d never get to everyone’s house because he would get lost up there in the snow and never stop to ask for directions.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened by having to be seen with all those elves.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowl full of jelly.”

Having to do the “Ho Ho Ho” thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up chicks.

And last but not least, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment!

~~~

“I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up… they have no holidays.”

Henny Youngman

~~~

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from Chicago, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida.

At the end of their White House tour, the guide asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guide said “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys look at it and give me a bid.”

So to the back fence they went.

First up was the Florida contractor.

He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, $100 profit for me.”

Then the guide asks the Chicago contractor how much. Without even going around to take a look at the job the contractor says: $2,700.”

The guide, incredulous, looks at him and says “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy” says the guy from Chicago, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri.”

~~~

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

Mahatma Gandhi

~~~

Andy Rooney On Prisons:

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.

~~~

A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, “Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?”

The Pope considers for a moment, and says, “I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you.”

The next day the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, “My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape.”

“And what’s the bad news?” asks the man.

“You tee-off tomorrow morning,” the Pope replies.

~~~

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

David H Comins

~~~

A lawyer was cross-examining a witness:

“You have just testified that you heard the shot at exactly 11:32 p.m.? How did you know what time it was? Did you look at your watch?”

“No,” the witness said. “I looked at the sundial in the garden.”

“That’s absurd,” screamed the lawyer. “How could you tell time by a sundial at 11:32 at night?”

“I had a flashlight,” the witness said.

~~~

How do I know anything really exists? Kick it *really* hard.

~~~

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day.

While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, “Grandpa, they didn’t have a whole lot of problems with all  these diseases when you were young did they?”

Grandpa replies, “Nope.”

The teen says, “Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?”

Grandpa replies, “A wedding ring.”

~~~

“If we are to enjoy life, now is the time, not tomorrow or next year….

Today should always be our most wonderful day.”

Thomas Dreier

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

Advertisement

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: