The truly generous is the truly wise, and he who loves not others, lives unblest.
Ray’s Daily first published on December 20, 2002
The weather in Indianapolis will change for the worse today, it always does whenever I ring bells outside for the Salvation Army. The side benefit though is that people seem to be more giving out of sympathy for runny noses, frozen feet, and shivering.
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,” the message on the dreidel will be the more generic: “Miraculous stuff happens.” In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.”
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
To: All Employees
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
3. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Don’t worry that children never listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you.
It’s forty below zero one-winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, “You owe me quite a bit on your tab.”
“Sorry,” says Pat, “I’m flat broke this week.”
“That’s okay,” says the bartender. “I’ll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall.”
“But,” says Pat, “I don’t want any of my friends to see that.”
“They won’t,” says the bartender. “I’ll just hang your parka over it until it’s paid.”
If George Washington were alive today, he’d be most noted for his old age.
Bill had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week’s vacation in France.
“I wish we’d brought the refrigerator with us,” said Morris.
“What on earth for?” asked the wife.
“I’ve left our airline tickets on it.”
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, “But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half.”
“Just bring me a size eight.”
The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, “I’ve lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my business has filed Chapter 7.
The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off.”
“A worrier always seems less troubled by what happens today than by what might happen tomorrow.”
It is said that when you tell an Englishman a joke, he will laugh three times. First – when you tell it, to be polite. Second – when you explain it, to be polite. And third – in the middle of the night when he wakes up and finally gets it.
When you tell a German the same joke, he will laugh twice. First – when you tell it, to be polite. And second – when you explain it, to be polite. He won’t laugh a third time because he will never get it.
When you tell an American the same joke he won’t laugh at all. Instead he will say, “It’s an old joke and besides, you tell it all wrong!”
*grin* It makes “them” wonder!
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here.”
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter Jim?”
Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: “Throw me my 7-iron! You can’t get out of here with an 8-iron.”
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute… I’ll find someone.
Some neighbors of my grandparents gave them a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that my grandmother had to throw it away.
Ever gracious and tactful, my grandmother still felt obliged to send the neighbors a note. It read: “Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn’t last very long in our house.”
“Happiness is not a reward – it is a consequence.
Suffering is not a punishment – it is a result.”
Robert G. Ingersoll
Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.
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