Ray's musings and humor

Where am I?

Don’t be dismayed at goodbyes.  A farewell is necessary before you can meet again.  And meeting again, after moments or lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.

Richard Bach

 

 

Today I am going to repeat a past daily. I am a little slow out of the gate since I have had a bad case of technology overload. I did a major firmware, maps, and more upgrade to my GPS device. I also decided that I really didn’t need to carry a Palm Pilot (PDA) and a cell phone so I went a bought one of those super duper, wham bam, cell phone/PDA/camera/video/MP3 player/—- things. It does everything, e-mail, web access, and all that other stuff. In truth it does everything if you set it up right and even an idiot can do it with little trouble. Fortunately, I guess, I am not an idiot since it took me hours to get everything operational and then to link it in with my desk top calendar, address books, task lists, memos, and other stuff. Anyway I am now capable of going somewhere, knowing how to get there with my GPS and then contacting the outside world via e-mail or phone to see if anyone knows why I went there in the first place. So I am off and you are stuck with another reprint.

Bye for now.

Ray’s Daily June 26, 2003

 

A new friend, Jacque a Florida High School Teacher sent us these lessons for living:

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one:

“What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?”

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. “Absolutely,” said the professor. “In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say ‘hello’.

I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

~~~

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 -year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.  The little boy again counted his coins. "I’ll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.

When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn’t have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

~~~

To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven.

Johannes A. Gaertner

~~~

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat. The women just won’t leave him alone.

His mother-in-law says, "You’re driving too fast!"

His wife says, "Stay more to the left."

After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who’s driving this car – you or your mother?"

~~~

When things go wrong…..don’t go with the flow.

~~~

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

6. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale’s.

~~~

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

~~~

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years.  "Mr. Avery, don’t leave it too late.  I have exactly the one you need.  You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don’t bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I’ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs."

"That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said ‘two sisters’. I didn’t say they were mine."

~~~

Kissing    A means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.

~~~

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife."

~~~

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

~~~

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson." The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told: "Doctor, I’ve been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson." "That’s wonderful," said the doctor.

"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I’m Lady Nelson."

~~~

If aliens saw us walking in the park, picking up after our dogs, who will THEY think is the dominant species?

~~~

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.  "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I’ll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.  "Why there are three doctors there already!"

~~~

People who think they’re out of this world make you wish they were.

~~~

Morris and Harry were both fanatics about deep sea fishing.  Each would come back from fishing trips, and tell the other big lies about the number, and sizes of the fish they caught.

So Morris comes back from his latest fishing trip, and tells Harry… …." You wouldn’t believe, but in da Bahamas I caught a 500 pound herring. "

Harry says…." That’s nothing, last time I fished in da Bahamas, I pulled up an old lantern from a sunken Spanish ship….and da candle was still burning ! "

They both looked at each other, knowing that the other was lying.

Finally, Harry said to Morris…." Look Morris, if you take 450 pounds from off your herring….I’ll blow out my candle! "

~~~

Isn’t it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?

~~~

I am certain that after the dust of centuries has passed over our cities, we, too, will be remembered not for victories or defeats in battle or in politics, but for our contribution to the human spirit.

John F. Kennedy

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: