Ray's musings and humor

Sail On

"The way is not in the sky, the way is in the heart.

For the traveler who knows his direction, there is always a favorable wind."

Stuart Avery Gold

~~~

 

 

Ray is away all day today and had nothing to say so here is something from a different day.

Ray’s computer.

~~~

August 20, 2002

It was only 10 (now 17) years ago today that some of us in the US were watching, Married With Children, Seinfeld, Murphy Brown, Home Improvement, Northern Exposure, The Golden Girls, L.A. Law, Cheers, Twin Peaks, Mad About You, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Night Court and The Cosby Show on television. It is hard to believe that it was that long ago and that all the shows are gone. I don’t watch many these days, with the exception of The West Wing and Law and Order, but I did enjoy many of these old shows.

~~~

If you are like I am you have been concerned about the investments you have made as part of your long term retirement plans. I bemoan the fact that the Dow has fallen into the $9 thousand range, I guess I need to remember that the Dow average was only $3,301 just 10 years ago.

~~~

"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious."

Brendan Gill

~~~

My wife and I got married in New York years ago, believe me these are true.

“39 ways to tell your a New Yorker”

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about "the best" way to get from

Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

4. You never pronounce the letter "R."

5. The subway makes sense.

6. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.

7. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

8. You’ve considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple."

9. Your door has more than three locks.

10. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

11. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

12. You call an 8-by-10-foot plot of patchy grass a yard.

13. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Wapner.

14. You think Central Park is "nature."

15. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer’s speaking.

16. You’re paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it’s a "steal."

17. You’ve been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.

18. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.

19. You haven’t seen more than 12 stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.

20. You go to dinner at 9pm and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.

21. Your closet is filled with black clothes.

22. You haven’t heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did it terrified you.

23. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.

24. You take fashion seriously.

25. Being truly alone makes you nervous.

26. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.

27. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."

28. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.

29. You have jaywalking down to an art form.

30. You’re suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

31. You haven’t cooked a meal since helping mom last Thanksgiving.

32. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

33. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.

34. $50 worth of groceries fits in one paper bag.

35. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.

36. You don’t hear sirens anymore.

37. You’ve mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city’s air quality and what it’s doing to your lungs.

38. You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.

39. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian, and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.

~~~

If the computer is so smart, how come it gets blamed for our mistakes?

~~~

A concerned Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.

"I’ll say he is Daddy," she replied. "Why just last night he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves, and if you guys are easy to get along with.

~~~

"You are not responsible for the face you are given, but you are responsible for the expression on it."

Anonymous

~~~

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them. The first Texan says, “My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger"

The second Texan says, ‘ My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5000 head of cattle and they call my place Big Johns’.

They both look down at the Jewish man who says, ‘ My name is Irving and I own 300 acres ‘ .  Roger looks down at him and say, ‘ 300 Acres ? What do you raise ? ‘ ‘Notink’ Irving says. Well then, what do you call it?’ Asked John.

‘Downtown Dallas.’

~~~

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

~~~

"I Know About Stressed — It’s Desserts Spelled Backwards"

~~~

Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Boca Raton, are getting ready to go out to dinner. Shirley says, "Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?"

Abe says, "Do I care?"

A few minutes later Shirley says, "Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"

Abe says, "Who cares?"

A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, "Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"

Abe says, "Shirley, I really don’t care what you wear, but if you don’t move your tuchas, we’re going to miss the Early Bird Special.

~~~

"If people around you aren’t going anywhere, if their dreams are no bigger than hanging out on the corner, or if they’re dragging you down, get rid of them. Negative people can sap your energy so fast, and they can take your dreams from you, too."

Earvin "Magic" Johnson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 

Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 1500 readers from all over the world.

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