I have decided that I am going to have a good week. No one is going to make me unhappy or get me angry. If you want to argue, wait for a week, if you want to share some joy let’s do it. There is too much to enjoy to let others or events take us down.
August 23, 2009
Yep I am going to focus on what is right. So:
- If I won the Irish Sweepstakes, have money in a secret account from an African banker, or some other such windfall, give it to somebody else.
- If you are planning on sending me hate mail, don’t, I find haters to be hateful and they can take me off their list.
- If you want to argue forget it, I don’t know what happened to reasoned debate but it seems to have gotten lost somewhere.
- If you want to tell me why you are unhappy and that you want me to be unhappy too don’t bother. I am not one who seems to only be satisfied when they are miserable and go out of their way prove they have every right to be.
- I don’t need to hear about all the people you blame for where you are today if you are perfect and faultless.
- I do want to hear about what’s right in your life.
- I would love to share in a moment that made you happy.
- I would love for you to join me in having a really good week. And for god’s sake don’t let anybody try to convince you that things are lousy and that the whole world has gone bad.
“One day at a time–this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”
Two older women, Judy and Monica, who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.
"My dear," said Monica, "Are those real pearls?"
"They are," replied Judy.
"Of course, the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled Monica.
Judy responded, "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."
"The thing you have to be prepared for is that other people don’t always dream your dream."
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y’allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are xamples excerpts from the Y’allbonics/English dictionary:
RETARD – (verb) – To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh."
RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats."
"I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes aren’t coming true."
There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand– it being hot and him being thirsty– he decided to stop. once he got up to the little boy’s stand, he noticed a sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents", well, he thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to get some anyway. Well, he gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig. so he slapped it back onto the table and says, "fill ‘er up." and the kid says, "sure thing, that’ll be 10 cents."
To this the business man says, "but your sign says all you can drink for a dime." "It is," the little boy replies, "that’s all you can drink for a dime.
Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.
4. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
5. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
"It’s no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."
"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears, boy."
"You see, sir? I’m no good at math, either!"
“When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"”
Sydney J. Harris
"Hello, help desk."
"Yes, this is Mrs. Duffy on the sixth floor. I want to report a violation of company policy."
"What seems to be the trouble, Mrs. Duffy?"
"I have found some of the computers in the office here are being used to look at orgies."
"We have filtering software on the network that prevents sites like that from being displayed."
"Well, I just sat down at one of the computers and clicked on the bookmarks."
"And there’s a list of pornographic sites?"
"I should say so. Quite a few."
"They should be blocked by the filter. Did you click on them?"
"I didn’t have to. They say dot O-R-G and I’ve been around long enough to know what that means."
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints – this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tired and slower, etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who’s 99."
We can throw stones, complain about them, stumble on them, climb over them, or build with them.
William Arthur Ward
Stay well, do good work, and have fun.
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