Ray's musings and humor

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Satchel Paige

 ! 1 Too-Young-to-Be

It is going to be a full day today. Relatives are flying in for a four day series of events around my birthday. That includes a private celebration Saturday at a local restaurant. The one gotcha is that I see a gastro-intestinal specialist this afternoon to see what they need to do with some plumbing problems I am having. I just hope that what needs to be done will not interfere with me attending my own birthday parties.

Anyway there is a lot going on right now and there will be for a few days so I am sending another previously published Daily and I do not plan on publishing the Daily tomorrow. If all goes well we will be back in business on Monday.

 Ray’s Daily first published on January 31, 2006

 Life is for Living

by Author Unknown

Life is a gift we’re given each and every day.

Dream about tomorrow, but live for today.

To live a little, you’ve got to love a whole lot.

Love turns the ordinary into the extraordinary.

Life’s a journey always worth taking.

Take time to smell the roses… and tulips…

and daffodils… and lilacs… and sunflowers…

Count blessings like children count stars.

The secret of a happy life isn’t buried in a

treasure chest… it lies within your heart.

It’s the little moments that make life big.

Don’t wait. Make memories today.

Celebrate your life!

~~~

Today is the anniversary of my birth. I have one every year and to tell the truth I cannot tell the difference between how I was yesterday and how I am today. In all honesty I never really could tell the difference. I find that all that happens is that I have lived another year.

As far as birthdays are concerned I have new one everyday. I wake up reborn, ready to see what the world has in store for me, and to the opportunity to do the best I can. I wasted way too much time getting here to miss all that I will see and do today. I do worry sometimes that I may be losing it though, as it also seems like I am getting younger every day. While you and I cannot get together each day for a party we can at least start fresh together. So may I wish you a happy birthday today, and I hope you have another one tomorrow.

My 2015 comment: I still feel the same way but unfortunately my body often does not. Ray

~~~

A man ninety years old was asked to what he attributed his longevity. I reckon, he said, with a twinkle in his eye, it’s because most nights I went to bed and slept when I should have sat up and worried.

Dorothea Kent

~~~

A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak. “Father, I am going to marry!”

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila. “Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?” says the father. “What is her name?”

“O’Brien” replies the son… “She’s Catholic…”

“Oy!” says the father, “But are you happy?”

“I’m happy,” says the son.

“Ok, as long as you’re happy; my blessings to you both,” replies Moisha.

But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah to marry in the Jewish tradition. Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, “Father, I too will be married soon!”

Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God’s praises. “What is her name,” implores the father?

“Kazalopodopolous,” says the son. “She’s Greek Orthodox…”

“Oy,” says Moisha, “But are you sore that you’re happy?”

“I’m happy, father.”

“Ok, then you, too, have my blessing,” intones Moisha sadly.

Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray, “Please God, let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl, to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes. PLEASE!”

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, “Father! I am to wed in the spring!”

“Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME” his father immediately demands?

“Goldberg!” says Chutzpah!

Moisha is beside himself with joy! “Praise God! Praise the Prophets!” Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, “Is she Doctor Goldberg’s daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?”

“No…” says Chutzpah.

“Hmmm,” says Moisha. “Must be Attorney Goldberg’s daughter Rachel from Santa Monica?”

“Ah, no, father” says Chutzpah.

“Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?”

“Whoopi from Hollywood,” says Chutzpah.

~~~

I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t’ make any difference.

Steven Wright

~~~

I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording:

“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.  Please leave a message after the beep.  If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

~~~

“The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.”

William James

~~~

Soon after their last child left home for college, Linda’s husband was resting next to her on the couch with his head in her lap. She carefully removed his glasses. “You know, honey,” she said sweetly, “Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married.”

“Honey,” he replied with a grin, “Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”

~~~

Cheerfulness and contentment are great beautifiers and are famous preservers of youthful looks.

Charles Dickens

~~~

When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.

I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son’s bed was perfectly made each day.  Until that is, one night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret. . .He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag!

~~~

“Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am EST”

~~~

TOOLS AND THEIR USAGE

* HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

* MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

* HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

* WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you’ve been searching for, the last 15 minutes.

* DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your iced tea across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

* WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, “Ouc….”

* HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

* TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

* PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

* SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

* BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

* PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

* HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

~~~

The best way to predict your future is to create it.

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

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