Ray's musings and humor

Here I go again

Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.

Jim Rohn

 

Today was my heart day. I went to my cardiologist to review my current health status and to learn what I am expected to do next. Unfortunately I failed on of his tests. It was an eye test, he had me stand up straight and look down to see if I could see my shoes and lo and behold I could not as my belly was in the way. So now I have been ordered to go through a paunch reduction program. He has ordered me to lose about 20% of my weight without having any limbs or body part removed surgically.

It was easy for him to say, he does not know how hard it is to resign from the gluttony society. But if it will help my return to semi-physical prowess it will be worth it. I have done it before in a competitive race with a friend where I had to report my weight on a daily basis; regrettably my friend has moved on and probably has stayed slim so I will be on my own. Since I am in fear of my medical caregivers and their propensity to beat on me I will start weighing myself every day and do it without holding on to the towel bar even though I am lighter when I do it that way. I have three months before my next weigh in and since I am sure that light weight clothes and pockets loaded with helium filled balloons won’t do the job I need to go back to a frugal diet. Wish me luck.

 

It’s just no use

Can’t deny it

My belt’s not loose

I need to diet!

 

Beef burgers and chips

Get away from me!

Kept far from my lips

Just salad for tea

 

This body I must pump

Need to exercise well

Must tighten up my rump

And my huge bloated bell…(y)

 

This is a fight I can win

I truly can become slim

With fast food do not sin

And keep going to the gym

 

Need to get in shape and not feed

I would just like to be quite svelte

You never know, I may yet need

To actually tighten my belt!

~~~

If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.

Anon

~~~

10 reasons Adam was the luckiest man

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.

2. He had no in-laws to drop in.

3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.

4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.

5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.

6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.

7. He never had to shovel snow!

8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn’t normal.

9. There was no “standard weight and height” tables – and the word FAT meant good.

10. When God asked “Adam, where are you?”  He replied, “The woman you gave me was reading the map.”

~~~

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Thomas Jefferson

~~~

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. “Professionally employed?” he asked.

“We’re a military family,” the wife answered.

“Children?”

“Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve,” she answered proudly.

“Animals?”

“Oh, no,” she said earnestly. “They’re very well behaved.”

~~~

Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.

Margaret Lee Runbeck

~~~

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”

“Objection!” said the defense attorney. “Irrelevant!”

“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand. “I don’t mind answering the question.”

“I object!” the defense said again.

“No, really,” said the blonde. “I’ll answer.”

The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”

So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”

The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know!”

~~~

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

Lao-Tzu

~~~

Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men’s room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him.

After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said,  “I’m that man. I was the one who gave you the dime.”

“You’re not the one I’m looking for. I’m looking for the guy who left the stall door open!”

~~~

Don’t dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

English Proverb

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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