Ray's musings and humor

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

Andre Gide

 

It is late in the evening and I am preparing for a two day special assignment. I am only leaving a skeleton crew behind to watch the store. Since I am pressed for time I am going to once again dip into the archives and select something to send early in the morning. Since I will be out of commission there will be no Daily on Thursday. While I am gone I would appreciate it if you would introduce the programs needed to reduce unemployment by three percentage points, thank you your cooperation.

Ray

~~~

Ray’s Daily first published on December 14, 2004

Never hurry.

Take plenty of exercise.

Always be cheerful.

Take all the sleep you need.

You may expect to be well.

James Freeman Clarke

~~~

Last Thursday afternoon I took plenty of exercise as I walked around the outside of the RCA Dome and our Convention Center. In fact for me it was more than plenty of exercise as I went upstairs, downstairs, and walked more than I had in years. Fortunately when I had completed my journey I was able to crawl to my car. The next day I paid the price as I sat through a long but special luncheon.

On Saturday I attended a Criminal and Juvenile Justice Summit sponsored by our mayor. Unfortunately I was only able to stay for the opening session of the all-day conference. My spirit was there, but my body took me home. Sunday was not much different as I missed two different grandson’s games. Yesterday I met all my obligations as I enjoyed the road to recovery.

The prognosis is great as long as I never hurry, stay cheerful, take lots of naps and avoid walking around large buildings. Just think if I never felt bad I would not know what feeling good really was.

~~~

To be or not to be isn’t the question.

The question is how to prolong being.

Tom Robbins

~~~

Driving styles:

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle.

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male.

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male.

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female.

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another’s car: Colorado.

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn’t hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel:

Las Vegas.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida “seasoned citizen” driver, also known as “no-see-um.”

Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn: New Mexico resident.

~~~

Is there another word for synonym?

~~~

Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body.  After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.

“Sam, you’re in excellent shape for an 85 year old man.  But I’m not a magician – I can’t make you any younger”, says the doctor.

“Who asked you to make me younger, already?” says Sam.  “You just make sure I get older!”

~~~

“For what has been — thanks! For what shall be — yes!”

Dag Hammarskjold

~~~

My two brothers arrived at boot camp together. On the first morning, their unit was dragged out of bed by a drill sergeant and made to assemble outside.

“My name’s Sergeant Jackson,” he snarled. “Is there anyone here who thinks he can whip me?”

My six-foot-three, 280-pound, brother raised his hand and said, “Yes sir, I do.”

The sergeant grabbed him by the arm and led him out in front of the entire group.

“Men,” he said, “this is my new assistant. Now is there anyone here who thinks he can whip both of us?”

~~~

When push comes to shove… somebody’s gonna figure out that “push” and “shove” mean the same damn thing.

~~~

A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively.

“I feel terrible,” she told him.  “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”

“Oh, just forget it,” consoled her husband.  “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”

“Yes, I know.  And it’s lucky you have!” said the woman, drying her eyes.

“I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!”

~~~

So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .

~~~

A few years ago, as a solar eclipse approached, a planetarium director in Southern California sent out warnings to the community about the eclipse. He warned people not to look directly into the sun during the eclipse. Soon after issuing the warning, the planetarium director received an indignant letter from a local resident… The letter read:

“Dear Director Atherton, If an eclipse is so dangerous, you should never have scheduled one in the first place!”

~~~

A man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.

“That’s it! . . .  I can never remember that word!!”

~~~

Wisdom is knowing what to do next;

Virtue is doing it.

David Starr Jordan

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

<span>%d</span> bloggers like this: