Ray's musings and humor

Ray is going into the shop

If I had my way I’d make health catching instead of disease.

Robert Ingersoll

 

 

We’re shutting down the daily for about a week. Ray is going back into the shop for repairs at 6AM Monday morning. Hopefully this time it will be the real thing and not a dress rehearsal and that rather than a temporary fix this one is permanent. He’s pretty busy today so I am sending you past words of wisdom or at least words. Enjoy! See you in a week.

Ray’s Computer

~~~

January 25, 2000

On this day in 1890: Nellie Bly completed her round-the-world trip in record time, beating Jules Verne’s fictional character Phileas Fogg’s record of 80 days. If she tried it today she would spend 80 days in airport, hotel, and baggage claim lines.

~~~

Here are some things I wish I knew when I was a kid:

If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you "how you feel about it."

Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger-flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain or the Spice Girls

all weekend. I was an usher in a movie theatre, for those of you too young to remember we would escort people to their seats.

It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of, "It’s my life," and "You’re not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it or you’ll sound like a "baby boomer" (also known as *your parents*).

Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

~~~

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

~~~

You know IT’S YOUR LAST DAY AT WORK WHEN…

  • You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What’s this?", you realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.
  • A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It’s his wife.
  • While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard.  It shorts out.
  • You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
  • You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”
  • You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You’re in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

~~~

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

~~~

He said I am glad to be a guy because:

Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president. (In this lifetime.)

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

~~~

I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.

~~~

A guy tells his doctor, "I am under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people and insulting them. You gotta help me, doctor!"

The doctor says, "Tell me about your problem."

The guy looks at him and yells, "I just did YOU STUPID S.O.B.!"

~~~

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says,

"My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!"

~~~

"Can people predict the future with cards?" said one little boy to another.

"My mother can," said the other boy.

"Really?"

"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Dad gets home."

~~~

A man was standing first in line for tickets from those who had canceled their reservations to a sold-out play.

The manager said he had two together, and pointed to the two women behind the man. "You wouldn’t want to come between Mother and daughter, would you?"

The man turned around, and replied, "No. I did that once, and regretted it right up until the divorce."

~~~

She said: Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

~~~

"If I ever see a falling star, I’m going to use my wish to wish that it had never fallen in the first place. If I’m lucky, that will throw the entire universe into a logic loop and while everyone is busy attending to that, I’ll skip work the next day."

Abhishek Gami

~~~

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

~~~

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he’d learned in seven years."

Mark Twain

~~~

Mr. Smith patted his daughter’s hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent." Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it’s going to be so hard leaving mother."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr.  Smith. "You can just take her with you."

~~~

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Do it and die."

~~~

Dear Lord,

So far today, Lord, I’ve done alright. I haven’t gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or over-indulgent. I’m very thankful for that.

But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed. And from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

~~~

Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being,

and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.

World Health Organization

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

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