Ray's musings and humor

I am just too tired today

“If someone is too tired to give you a smile, leave one of your own,

Because no one needs a smile as much as those who have none to give”

 

 

Today is not one of my better days, fortunately by this time next week I should be out of the operating room and be in the recovery room at the hospital. I look forward to being young again and a more reliable Daily writer. Hopefully I have improved since I wrote the following.

~~~

January 19, 2000

 

If you were over 5 on this evening in 1953, odds are you were in front of one of the 68% of TV sets tuned to Lucy Ricardo giving birth to little Ricky. More people watched Lucille Ball that night on "I Love Lucy" than Dwight Eisenhower’s Presidential inauguration the next day.

~~~

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’

Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’ "

Charlie Brown

~~~

Famous Last Words:

— Unfortunately I can not totally agree with comrade Stalin.

— Of course you don’t look fat in that dress honey.  Well… maybe a little.

— Hey ya’ll watch this.

— LOOK! An old mine from world war…..

— Sure, rope bridges last forever.

— Trust me, I know what I’m doing.

— Do I cut the red or the blue wire?

— Oh shut up! I won’t fall!

— Oh, it looks like a dolphin is swimming this way…

— I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.

~~~

Cooking lesson #1: don’t fry bacon in the nude.

~~~

A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, How come you called God, "Harold"?" The little boy looked up and said, "That’s what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name." 

~~~

She said:

Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you’ve gotten sick of him.

Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

A woman’s work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

If you want a nice man, go for a bald one — they try harder.

Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.

~~~

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

~~~

Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second hiker says, ‘What are you doing?’
The first responds, ‘I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll have to jump down and make a run for it.’
The second says, ‘Are you crazy? Don’t you know you can’t outrun a bear?

The first guy says, ‘I don’t have to outrun the bear I only have to outrun you!’

~~~

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

~~~

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking." Exhausted

~~~

I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it!!! There are plenty more ribs where YOU came from!"

~~~

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. His friend asked, "What had the world done to you, my old friend?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That’s not bad."

"But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"Sounds like you should be grateful…"

"You don’t understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

Now he was really confused. "Then, how come you look so glum?"

"This week… nothing!"

~~~

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he’d been putting off for weeks. He’d cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

~~~

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

Robert A. Heinlein

~~~

During an Army war game a commanding officer’s jeep got stuck in the mud.

 The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

~~~

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don’t you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying a child."

~~~

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time;

It is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable."

Sydney J. Harris

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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